A Realistic Note About Compatibility

by SwiperTheFox

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Original Character, Sex, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 5943

A human that has come into Equestria learns an important life's lesson about compatibility.

Sometimes human males travel to other planets for some reason, and sometimes those planets happen to be populated by lavender colored equines. Sometimes said human males feel xenophilic attraction. One fateful evening, you decide to take things to the next level. You wonder if you're being, well, realistic.

Please note that I wrote this with my brain turned off. I just wanted to let out some frustrations with the traditional ways that authors write clopfics and how they work out. It's symbolic, I suppose, in terms of looking back at previous stuff I've written (which often, honestly, weird me out). This story isn't in continuity with anything. Anyways, thanks for reading.

Published 2012-10-17 06:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-17 06:40:02 UTC

A Realistic Note About Compatibility

"Finally," you groan to yourself as you shut the bedroom door behind you. Your eyes drink in Twilight's amazing body. The moonlight bursts through the nearby window onto her brilliant mane and tail as well as her shapely curves. You can hardly wait to have your tender, human fingers upon her lavender, alien flesh.

All of her rubbing of her warm fur upon your bare skin has always driven you out of your mind before, even in just scant moments such as brushing her tail yesterday and patting her back the day before that. She at least lets you spend so much time in her bedroom— with important books in big shelves everywhere amongst her neatly made dressers as well as various accouterments from her varying adventures sitting atop tall stands. Her essence of one part feminine seductiveness and one part brainpower seems to almost seep out from the walls.

It has taken quite a while to soften her up. Sure, she welcomed you to Equestria with open hooves two weeks ago, but she treats most humans that way (the fact that alien visitors happen semi-commonly surprised the hell out of you, with Canterlot even creating an Interplantery Immigration Assistance Agency). You felt smitten the moment you locked eyes with hers while hearing her melodic voice bouncing about your head, as badly stereotypical and clichéd it had seemed. You had hardly cared.

Serving her romantic dinners, playing her easy-breezy music, doing her daily chores, and so on had all made Spike adore you as well as gotten you closer and closer to that purple-maned sweetheart. Still, it had taken sneaking a message into an open diary page in your room left on your dresser (again, acting so blasted melodramatic and soap-opera-ish) for her to finally realize the true depth of your feelings. It felt like a light-switch going off for her, though, and she had happily accepted your offer to get serious.

And, now, she's sitting there atop her bed. Spike is at Sweetie Belle's slumber party. The moon is full. And you feel more than ready for some red-hot library lovin'.

"Well, I suppose now’s the moment, Swish," Twilight coos, rubbing her mane with her front hooves before sliding closer on her bed. The shimmering strands slink down her shoulders as her ears flick forwards. She lowers her voice a bit as you step over closer, sitting atop a nearby end table.

’Swish’, yeah? Materializing in a broom-closet in Sugarcube Corner before bursting out and rubbing yourself all upon the floor in confusion (fighting with a bunch of brooms swishing about you and breaking them into pieces before you sheepishly realized where exactly you were), had given Pinkie Pie the best idea for a nickname for you. It had stuck, just like her special terms with the other human beings around. You had minded it for little while. Yet Twilight always said it in a way that made your heart a flutter.

Your legs nervously tap against the table legs. Sweat has already started dripping down your cheeks. She's, wow, she's more than beautiful... there are perfect tens and then there are elevens! Your hands reach up to your collar, opening it up a bit.

She freezes for a moment except for her eyes, running up and down your body over and over again. You finish opening up your collar and take in a little breath. You hope that your hands aren't shaking. Twilight blinks rapidly. Your own eyes dance along her great body, small by human standards at around three feet tall yet delicately pretty almost like a priceless artwork in a celestial museum.

You realize that she interpreted your collar move as an opening to take off your shirt. Not sure what to do, you merely lean back a bit, feeling the sweat sliding down your sides, and awkwardly cough. She scoots a bit closer to you on the bed, her front hooves poised against the end table where you sit.

"So," you mutter, your eyes staring at the floor as your feet taps the wooden table again and again.

"So," she repeats. You detect some faint sort of feminine sound, almost like a squeaking. You glance over at her, and you pick up streaks of sweat moving through her mane. Gigantic blushes seem to crowd out the rest of her face.

Your feet tapping sounds more and more like a metronome, driving your nervousness to another level. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Dammit, aren't there animal instincts or something that should be going off? Something? Tap. Tap. Tap. Something! Anything!

"Twilight, I," you murmur, watching as she slides her front hooves against the wood where you sit. She makes little circles that come mere millimeters from your leg but withdraw split-seconds afterward. "I... just..."

"Are you... a..." she says, the initial determination in her voice seeping out until she seems quiet as a church-mouse, "a..." She closes her eyes and takes a gulp. "A virgin?"

You feel yourself reflexively sticking out your teeth and sticking them over your lips, which have to make you look just ridiculous. A shiver rockets through your body as you lean forwards on the table, your hands now in your lap. "Y-y-yes." Oh, oh dear God, why... why am I... why am I reacting like this? Dammit!

"I'm..." she whispers, burying her face in her hooves and making her now messy mane droop across a third of the bed, "I’m one too."

"Well, uh," you say, your anxiousness creeping through your veins like a blasted virus. Your joints seem slow, your breathing working overtime like a dying athlete. You turn on the table and face Twilight directly, trying to steady yourself. "It's okay."

"Okay?" Twilight repeats, still poised on the bed with her backside faced up and her head pushed into her hooves. Her ears have flopped down onto the nearby pillow with her tail curled upon a back hoof.

"I really," you say, bits of masculine determination popping up inside your fragile senses, "would love to be..."

"My," Twilight begins.

"Your," you comment, "first."

She abruptly stands up on the bed, brushing her mane out of her eyes and letting out a deep breath. She glances up at you while nudging her body to the side against your right leg. "So, you... you at least, uh, 'kind of' know what to do? Right, Swish?"

She motions over to her nearby bookcase out of the corner of her eye. "My research has really been, well, of only marginal use. Especially given that, well, the physical and emotional events may proceed so differently on your—" She closes her eyes and holds her head against your side, her horn stroking your arm. "Your planet."

Planet... You think back to that moment last week as you both stood atop Sugarcube Corner with Twilight positioning the telescope above your eyes to show you Earth, way off in another side of the Milky Way galaxy. Twilight's horn bonking against your elbow in the here and now snap you back to attention. "I, can, ah..." Your hands nervously scratch against the bottom of your chin and across your neck. You try your best not to shiver. "I can 'take the lead."

You at least hope you can, having never gotten this far with your ex-girlfriend. At least there’s the gobs and gobs of hentai… although that’s as realistic as fairies. Or, not as realistic as magical talking equines… You slide off of the end table, moves so awkward that you almost stumble flat on the floor. Twilight gazes up at you at the tip of the bed, her hooves mashed together as the sweat seems to ripple off of her like rain off a roof. You reach out with both arms forwards and legs spread out, worried for a second that you look like Frankenstein's monster lurching, and you run your fingers against Twilight's shoulders.

She coos softly before closing her eyes. Her anxious, blushing facial features look truly fantastic, you can't imagine anything from any planet looking so cute. You've dreamed about making out for hours, a hazy sepia-tone of tenderness shifting through the scene as your fingers grip the back of her head and her mane rubs your neck. Now, you can make those dreams come true. You close your eyes and push your face forwards.

"Ugh," she remarks, causing you to jitter for a split-second before you snap your eyes back open. You feel your nose rubbing upon hers with your lips still inches away. Her nose feels oddly cold and wet, at least compared to your fantasies.

"Twilight," you murmur, and you try to smack lips with her once again. Your eyes slide a bit forwards to help with aim. "I want you." Desire seems to ripple through your senses.

Your lips meet her... nose. She tries her best not to sneeze as you accidentally kiss her nose and pull your head up to the side. She blows out a big breath out her nose before arching her eyebrows at you. You clench your teeth for a moment.

"Swish, sweetie, how exactly will this work?" she asks, each word of her melodic cadence feeling like a piece of sandpaper rubbing against your chest.

Your eyes survey every nook and cranny of Twilight's amazingly pretty face. Your own face seems rather physically flat as well as tall in comparison. "Maybe, uh, if I angle my face like ninety degrees to the side," you mutter, shifting your body over as you get on your knees, "and then my kiss can get past your snout?"

You hardly feel confident. She holds her front hooves against her chest, looking deeply embarrassed, and she purses her lips while closing her eyes. Her eyelashes, picked up from Rarity for sure for this special occurrence, flutter seductively. You move closer ever so gently, that pleasant aura of love going through you once again.

And you find yourself kissing her chin. You slide your lips over upwards, but she pushes her head back to work with you, and that leaves you slurping against her cheek. Your fingers position upon her neck, trying to motion her still. You pop back before trying once more, your nose bonking against her snout time and time again. You stop, curl your head far to the right, and attempt to kiss her one last time. She freezes like a statue, eyes still closed while somehow blushing even brighter than before.

And your lips brush up against the bottom of her lips as her horn somehow manages to almost poke against your eye. You shiver a bit as your hands release her, causing Twilight to slid down from your grip until she's just leaning up against your chest. You open your mouth, ready to scream out something primal in frustration, but nothing comes out. Twilight, making a whimpering sound, brushes both front hooves against your chest.

"Okay, maybe," you say as Twilight moves down and lies flat upon the bed with you sitting adjacent to her, "we can practice kissing or something." Oh, sweet god, what did I just say!

"I'll make it a personal project on my advance notice sublist, a specially emphasized part of my grand master to do list!" Twilight calls out, trying to put on a forced smile. You can see the emotions rippling underneath her skin, her eyes ready to shred tears in just seconds. “It’s, okay, Swish. If you don’t mind…”

Dammit! Think of something! Not sure how to get things back on track, you start stripping your shirt off. Your hands get awkwardly lost in the flannel for a moment as you take in a torrent of little breaths. Seriously, how do ponies kiss other ponies then? How does the snout to snout contact work? Does the mare have to lie flat back on the bed while the guy stands up a full like one-hundred-eighty degrees above you in the other way or something? Spiderman with Mary Jane type stuff or what?

You pause as you run your hands in your shirt, Twilight watching your moves intently. Who's that one guy all the women like lately... ah! What would that sexy Latino with his passionate Latino fueled sensuality superpowers from Sex in the City do? Or that Latino tiger of lust from Eat, Pray, Love?

For lack of a better thought, you try to pump up some sense of panache by tossing your shirt dramatically across the room. It hits against a lamp and shoves it back against the wall with a nasty cracking sound. You thrust a hand against your mouth, feeling as red as a beet. Come on! What would mister thick brown chest hair with bright smile and leopard skin underwear do? Think like the Latin lover!

You wish you'd seen more of that stupid Sex in the City movie and its sequel, both of which your ex-girlfriend on Earth had dragged to twice. It’s either that or hentai as your frame of reference. For the latter, well, you don’t have any tentacles on the ready to sic on her.

Twilight makes a soft, almost squeaking sound over to your right. You look over and see her just staring at your bare chest, seeming very confused. Think! Latin lovers are... are... aggressive. Masculine. They know what they want and how to get it. They talk down to their girls. They chomp roses with their bare teeth. They dominate. They show power. They growl. They thrust. They grab. They render the awkward-est nerdy princess behind the library desk into a sensual tigress for them to mount, both partners roaring. That's it, right?

You step back over right besides Twilight while slipping your belt off and sliding your shorts to the floor. Be aggressive! You kick the shorts right underneath her bed, making it clear that you won’t need them for quite a while. Twilight merely looks up with you, her mane drooping over her shoulders and going down her chest as her mouth hangs slightly open. She seems overcome with sheer awkwardness— just begging you with her eyes to make some moves.

You hold Twilight up in the air in front of you, an easy task since these ponies seem so blasted light and small compared to human beings, and you thrust her against your body. Your messy kisses move along her neck, her mane dancing against the side of your face, over to her shoulders and along to her chest. Your tongue ripples along her fur as you feel her hooves rubbing against your body. She wants this. She wants this to work just as badly as you want it to.

And you want it bad. After holding her up like a toy, your face moving down her body, you drop down onto the bed. Her back hooves curl along your belly, and you help her along, fingers stroking her back. She has herself lay flat over you now, her face poised right above your briefs and the hard throbbing going inside of them. Twilight slinks her face against your thighs, and the pleasure seems to course all through your senses.

“Oh, God, I love you,” you mutter, feeling her pushing her snout against your belly and bite against the tip of your briefs. Looking straight up, your run your face as well as both hands through her pretty, perky tail before shifting your gaze to her flanks. “Love you so much.” It had only been a few days in Equestria, but that purple plot had haunted your dreams like nothing else.

“Ahhhh,” Twilight murmurs as you run a trail of kisses up her back right hoof. You make your way over to her belly, hardly seeing much with her tail curled over along her body. You playfully swat it away and take a deep breath. Briefs pushed down your legs, you sense Twilight’s snout pressing against your manhood. “And you’re, oh, so big, Swish.”

“So,” you say, trying to get a real idea about what to do next. You stare upwards at Twilight’s rear area. Your kisses up her back hooves lead into… nothing. “Just a goddamn moment.” You’ve thankfully lowered your voice to below a whisper before your face rubs against her fur, looking for anything erogenous as her tail flops in a ball over your head like a hat.

Twilight, tickled beyond belief at your fidgeting fingers, shivers with delight and brushes her face against your leg. You blink before letting out a frustrated cough. Okay, so, I didn’t know much about horses, but on Earth at least there have breasts on their bellies and their… their entrance on their rears? Right? You run your fingers along Twilight’s chest for a moment, your manhood still sticking up at full attention besides Twilight’s head, and you clear your throat loudly.

“Oh, gosh, I can’t believe I forgot,” Twilight suddenly remarks, shifting about on top of you. “The concealment spell! I had caught both Pipsqueak and his friends staring behind me way too many times these past few days— oh, Celestia!” She murmurs something faintly as she stands up a bit more straight.

Packets of purple sparkles coarse along Twilight’s body. You lean over to the right and shut your eyes for a moment before hearing her make a happy sigh, causing you to slide you face back underneath her legs. Okay, so… Your eyes survey all along her warm lavender underside. No breasts? Still? You push her down a bit before meeting your eyes directly with her plot.

And you finally see it, her very wet and very cute looking pink marehood sticking out amidst her smooth rear. You blink. She shifts her head from side to side while making an anticipatory noise, almost like a growl.

“I’m, ah, really ready,” she mutters, “for you…” You can’t see her face, but you know she has to be blushing once again. Dirty talk is hardly something she does every day.

“Ready and, uh, snug,” you say, keeping yourself from blurting out ‘small’ by some miracle. You kiss up along her flanks, moving steadily toward her marehood. “And tight.” And what looks like way, way too goddamn… no. No, think positive or something!

Your messy slurp straight up Twilight’s slit causes her to scream out, her body shaking loudly with all four of her hooves smacking against your sides. You hesitate, watching as love juice slips around her marehood like never before, before bringing your right hand over and massaging along its left side.. Something like a light pop, almost like a small balloon bursting, sounds off. Twilight then makes a pleasure-filled set of groans, pushing her head down against your leg and bonking her horn into the bed-sheet.

Your fingers stroke against her marehood, with your index finger playfully sticking inside just like an inch. Her pink folds clench against it as feminine fluids seem to start to pour out. Twilight’s passionate noises, marked all the while by her heads constant rubbing against your leg, continue on and on. You make out a few more of the strange pops before you slide your face a bit over.

Your index finger slides right in, and you slobber up against the bottom of her marehood, breathing deeply. She shivers from the tip of her hooves upwards. You hear something weird, almost like a low buzzing sound, and you keep on kissing. Your index finger pushes in her cute pink slit a bit more before you move over your ring finger. She’s really wet, so… hopefully? You jam it in.

*Whomp!

Twilight’s legs buck against your head, causing you to cry out in pain. Your fingers pop away from her and rub against both your temples as scratchy, itchy sensations run through you. She leans up, her head pointing off towards the ceiling as her noises speed up. You suck in a huge breath as you see Twilight convulsing before suddenly standing as still as a statue. You begin, “Twi—”

“Celestia!” Twilight shouts out at full force, surprising the hell out of you as she bounces over along your body and wiggles against your right arm. You watch as she buckles in place, her magical aura coursing along her fur with humming sparks leading right up to her horn. Another, louder pop shoots out of the tip of the horn with a bright purple shine before she calms a bit down. The pain from Twilight’s hit slips out of you pretty fast, although everything still seems rather hazy.

“Look, Twilight?” you ask, brushing your hair with your right hand. The miniature headache seems to have worn off thankfully soon. Your eyes travel from her deeply overcome face, her tongue hanging out, to the miniature waterfall coming off of her flanks onto the bed. “I just—”

“Please, you… you need,” she pants, drooling out onto your thigh, “Swish, oh— my goodness, need to take it easy. I’ve had—” She takes a gulp, composing herself a bit more even though you can see the sheer pleasure still boiling her senses beneath her big eyes. “Like seven full orgasms already.” She sucks in a huge breath while snorting her nose. “Oh, Luna… another and I’ll faint, fast asleep, for sure…”

Well, that was a… a learning experience, I guess. You bite your lip, thinking about how her pretty pink slit couldn’t even really hold just two of your fingers. “So, now we need to,” you begin, not even sure how to finish the sentence. I suppose I’ve ruled out three places on her so far? Dear God…

“Silly me,” she says, still panting but focusing on your now limp manhood flopped against your thigh, “I need to return the favor… right?” She looks up at you with ears flipping about, clearly not sure if her nervous, hesitant voice sounds ‘dirty’ or just ‘pathetic’.

“S-s-s-sure,” you mutter, sliding your body over a bit so that your back pushes up against a stack of pillows behind you. Twilight steps over and sits upon your chest and belly once again, her snout nudging against your manhood. You feel her tongue slurping against your thigh, and you know you’ll snap back to full attention in no time. Her tail swishes ever so playfully against her rump. Without thinking at all, you grip both flanks with both hands, fingers digging into her cutie marks.

She kisses against the bottom of your shaft, and you let out a pleasure-filled whine. Your eyes look back against her marehood, still very wet, as her hooves lock into position against your sides. The thought pops up in your head of stroking her again, trying to dodge her potential bucking, but you swat that thought away.

“Uh, Twilight,” you suddenly call out, feeling overcome with embarrassment at how to even broach the question.

“Yeah?” she asks, kissing up and down your thigh with her mane brushing along your manhood.

“Is that anything that we can do for you, ah,” you begin, moving your fingers around the top of her plot with her marehood right in the middle of your sight. “You know? Preparation?”

“Preparing for… what exactly?” she says, lifting her head off of you and looking backwards in your direction.

She has no idea what she’s doing. “Well, uh,” you start, trying to sum up the courage to say things delicately without having her buck you again, “’Tab A’ normally slides into ‘Slot B’, you know?”

“Yeppers!” Twilight replies with a smile, closing her eyes and blushing. She seems utterly clueless to where you’re going.

“Is there anything like, spell-wise or something we can use? Enhancements? Additives in terms of size? Fitness boosters?” you ask, blushing so much that you feel like your cheeks could start bleeding. “Fitting the tab into the slot is an… an…” You shut your eyes tightly to let out the final words. “Big deal.”

“Oh, ah,” she answers, nudging her head subconsciously in the direction of her bookshelves while tapping her chin with a hoof. Her eyes narrow a bit as she sucks in a bunch of tiny breaths. “I’ve spent quite a while studying that, looking things up all day. I even, well, spent some time on that before we even met way back when.” She averts her eyes with you for a moment. “Not to dredge up that ancient history.” She makes a nervous cough. “Anyways, there’s no spell or potion in existence that I know of specifically made to boost sensual physicality that works without serious side effects.”

“Side effects,” you repeat.

“Right,” she goes on, holding out her front hooves and tapping through her words, “Slurping some ‘Milk of Amorous Clover’? Obsession, loss of self-control, delusions, paranoia, and the list goes on... Saying ‘Starks’ Saying of Senses’? Takes around two solid days to recuperate afterwards from an overdose, very easy to accidentally do by the way, with one left drooling on couches… And don’t get me started on adult-themed spin-offs of ‘Want It, Need It’!” She made a pained laugh, her horn lighting up suddenly.

This whole conservation seems to have already made you half flat, and you press both hands against your cheeks. You cock your head to the side and hold your mouth open, although you hardly know what to say. So… what? What now?

“However!” Twilight yells out with a sudden vigor, flipping about and eying your manhood with full intensity. “I have discovered that certain purely physically-oriented spells can be applied, with proper concentration, to sensual-related uses!” She wags her tail in the air, leaning down with her body ninety degrees over away from you on the bed. “I’ve been waiting for you all day for this, just dying for a chance to use it!”

“Uh, Twilight?” you whisper. She looks if she’d pounce on your manhood like a cat on a mouse.

Her horn lights up brightly as she glares at your manhood, now totally limp once again. Purple energies ripple across her face. She opens her mouth a little as she mutters something, her hooves propped up against your right leg. Determination almost drips from her tight looking face.

“Twilight,” you remark, raising your voice a bit as your legs reflexively shiver upon the bed-sheets. You grip against the pillows behind you, feeling something like a cold flash around your thighs.

“Glacientur sensualitatis, affectus superatus quondam iterum! Jussi!” Twilight calls out, her purple aura building up with her mane tossing over her shoulders.

*Foom!*

Her horn seems to shoot out like a laser. You feel her energies coating all through the area between your legs, and you want to scream. You can’t, though, sensing that your whole body has become immobilized.

You make a very long, very embarrassingly girly set of whines and chirps. Finally, you sense your arms and legs obeying again. Some kind of profound shot of pleasure goes off through your sides, causing you to shut your eyes and arch you back. Your arms shack against the bed-sheets. You feel your boner right back, harder than ever.

“That did it? Right?” Twilight asks, hopping up and down on the bed. Her smile seems big enough to burst off of her face. You watch her, looking almost ready explode from sheer joy, before locking your eyes at the constant flurries of bright blue sparks going off around your manhood. “I just— wow— I know I’ll make you so happy! It’ll feel so really good in just a second!”

“So happy,” you repeat. Sensations of one part pleasure and three parts total weirdness go off inside you. Your thighs feel as if you have row after row of ice cubes rubbed onto them. The tip of your manhood seems to jut about in the air, moved about by something like invisible kisses, but it all cuts off in a split-second.

“What?” Twilight hollers, ceasing her bouncing as she leans up against your legs and watches. The area between your legs twitches all over. And a blue, sticky film magically pops up atop your skin.

“C-c-c-c-cold,” you murmur, and you glare as your eyes feel wide as car wheels. Blue flake-like things coat your manhood, raining freezing sensations into your body. Your teeth already chatter, your fingers digging into a clump of the bluish-white material besides your navel. “What the hell is this stuff!”

“But, but,” Twilight comments, jumping off of the bed and magically lifting over several old, battered textbooks from the nearby bookshelf to her. “That can’t be right!” She flips through a few hundred pages in a split-second before making an angry moan. She shoots a glance over at you, eyes quivering as if she’ll cry at any moment, and she picks up a binder from a neat pile of binders besides the bed.

“Twilight! Tell me what this is!” Feeling frozen from the belly down and frustrated beyond else, you pick up a clump of the magical flaky stuff around and throw it right at the back of Twilight’s head. She ducks, the material making a loud ‘splat’-like sound upon the nearby dresser.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Swish!” Twilight yells over, magical pieces of paper floating above her head like a gigantic halo. “I just thought that a very, very de-powered version of Princess Luna’s snow curse—”

“Snow curse!” You leap out of the bed, thrusting your hands down and shoving as much of the magical material off of you as you can. “Are you freaking telling me that you cast a freaking snow curse on my goddamn dick! You grab your shorts and briefs from under the bed and thrust them back on, still grabbing clumps of the freezing stuff every other second and tossing them at Twilight. Your shirt seems to fly back on.

“Wait—” She ducks. “Just a—” She ducks again. “Moment!” She magically grabs that snowball inches from her chin and hurls it upwards onto the ceiling. “It’s not exactly what you think!”

You point with both hands at the melting and refreezing snow inside your underpants, teeth clenching, before stepping out towards the door. Twilight quickly sucks in an immense breath and flies through several more papers, her face flying in multiple directions. She points over at you and makes a pained sound, her face scrunching tightly.

“How the hell,” you growl back, halfway out the door already, “did you ever think this was a good idea!”

Twilight stopped magically flying her things around, meeting you eye to eye. The intensity of your stare seems to make her shrink towards the floor. “I, uh,” she replied, “theorized that a reasonable amount of cold, slick rubbing against warm genitals would, well, provide a highly enjoyable contrast. Like my books seemed to say.” She tried to put on some kind of a hopeful expression, scooting a few feet closer to you. “And then I—”

You just stomp out the door, feeling your magical snow dripping down through your shorts and out along your legs.

“It’ll only last for around ten to thirty minutes!” Twilight shouts back as you begin down the stairs. “And I can speed that up to approximately three minutes! I, uh, think!”

You slam the door shut behind you. Magical snow filling up your shorts, you shove your hands down and start flinging it around you. Your eyes meet the door out of Twilight’s library and you finally smile again.

“But— but— but what else would you do now, anyways?” Twilight calls out through the thick wood from inside her bedroom. “Where are you—”

“I’m going to Rarity’s!” you yell back.

Several minutes later…

Spike gives you a thumbs-up sign, and you stick your head out of the thick waters of the tub. Warm sensations soothe every inch of you. Your back now slid against a round slab of marble, you clear your throat. The baby dragon clutches a scroll closely, looking halfway at you and halfway out the window where Sweetie Belle and Applebloom discuss their latest adventures outside the boutique.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I learned that it’s incredibly stupid as well as crazy to think that creatures that are from planets literally thousands and thousands of light-years apart can have sex.

Really, what the hell was I thinking?

Your faithful servant,

Swish

The End (?)

Optional Bonus Section

Meanwhile, in another place and time that may or may not be related to the past story...

Please note that this is only slightly connected to the last chapter, so feel free to ignore this completely...

The bright white female figure held the scroll right atop her head. "Your faithful servant, Swish," she quietly repeated to herself. She flashed back to several other messages from the past few days. "Well, Twilight, I see your plans have apparently met with some kind of interesting end."

Princess Celestia finished reading the note as her smile grew wider and wider, her neck arching back. She magically lifted it aside and folded it up into a small square that slid easily into a nearby folder on the large gray generator machine behind her. She shifted her head side to side for a second before flying her mane and tail back.

Her twisted laughter filled the whole room. She blinked rapidly, almost crying from the power of her voice, and she stepped forwards against the guardrail. Her eyes drank in the whole entire storage room, steam bellowing out of the ceiling as gigantic pipes and vats coated with all manner of machinery stuck out all around her.

She leaned over a bit to the right and gazed down at the biggest vat of them all. Bubbles continually seeped through the thick, ominous looking red fluid. Pure, concentrated 'milk of amorous clover' had to be kept nicely warm for storage, after all. Celestia lowered her voice and spoke over at the vat.

"Dosages, my inexperienced human future associate," she murmured, "it's the dosages that are the key to everything. Not to mention the clear fact that the inexperienced should always seek out the older, more skilled rather than blunder about with their fellow inexperienced."

She flushed out her devious smile. Going back to her normal, regal-looking expression, she turned about and headed over toward the door. Her mind flashed through the various plans she needed to go through.

"Now, just to get back to figuring out how much President Chelsea Clinton would need, if she does ever show up here herself," Celestia said to herself, gazing through the window above the door at the office within, "Best to err on the over-usage side. After all, it's all in the name of interplanetary diplomacy." She stopped, her eyes shifting back at the huge collection of concentrated lust potion though her face remained aimed at the door. "And who says diplomacy can't be fun?"

She had already convinced herself by using the amazing word 'fun'. Taking a deep breath, the alicorn hopped over and slid underneath the guardrail behind her. She reached out and grabbed a nice, thick glob before sliding back into the middle of the platform. Panting for a quick moment, she thrust her hoof into her mouth and slurped it up in a split-second. Feeling her senses heightened already, she sped over to the main office door and pressed her face upon the nearby window, her breath fogging the glass.

"Oh, Miss Ambassador," Celestia called out with a sing-song voice, watching intently as the smartly-dressed human woman inside got up, "rather than doing more dreary negotiations, how about an--" She held up a hoof and drew a heart shape upon the fogged glass. "Early break?"

The End
(Or Maybe Not)
(Take Of It What You Will)