The click of the lock was the last sound to echo through the dingy little hotel room as Sunset made her way in. The faint smell of mold threatened to turn her full stomach as she slumped down on the stained couch. The dull roar of laughing and conversation still rang in her ears and a slight smile still lingered on her lips from the Hearth’s Warming festivities, but something still wouldn’t settle right.
Sunset pursed her lips–there was never any comfortable position on this terrible couch. It at least had a view out the window to the snow gently falling over the parking lot, but that was about it. She let out a soft sigh as she rested her chin in her hand and looked out to the blanket of white covering the world, thinking about how she really had to find something more permanent. Her mind tried to brainstorm solutions other than trashy hotels, rented rooms, or an uncomfortable stack of books in the school library, but something else was clawing those thoughts away. She shifted in place again as she tried to push the gnawing doubt away, but to no avail.
With tightly closed eyes, Sunset reminded herself of the warmth in her core that lingered from the joy of the past day. A family. For the first time in what felt like more than a decade it was there for her, with tables filled with pies and cookies and couches full of friends that cared. She desperately reminded herself of that joy, but the word ‘cared’ struck in her mind like a lightning bolt to shatter the illusion.
Did they really? Sunset’s heart sank as the horrific feeling of abandonment clawed through her veil of happiness. The feeling of being there in the school on her knees crying like she hadn’t in years, like she was a lost and lonely filly again. The terrible desperation of feeling like she’d lost everything in life again just like she had at the bottom of that pit.
Sunset tried to take in a deep breath to soothe the fears away. Everything’s gone back to normal, right? Everything got worked out and now everyone can go back to the way things were. Her internal reassurances felt like trying to light a match at the bottom of the ocean. She could feel the illusion of trust, of safety, of love, all fall to pieces like glass off of a broken mirror. She could feel tears forming at the edge of her vision as she recalled the fleeting joy of a moment where they were all walking through the hallway in school, talking about their favorite kind of cookies of all things, where she finally felt included, finally felt like she belonged. Months of feeling like the odd one out and doubting the concept of friendship would ever work out for her melted away in that moment and the future finally looked bright, if even just a moment.
All she could do was blink away the wave of sadness. She mourned the memory in the pile of her shattered trust. All it took was a few rumors, someone else making her look like the bad guy again, and it all flew away like dust in the wind. Months of learning to be better and accept that different path and they shunned her through no fault of her own. The question burning in her gut through all the joyful festivities and bright smiles finally manifested: how am I ever supposed to trust them again?
Sunset’s breath caught in her throat when the thought hit her. As desperately as she tried to search, an answer never came. Yet again she felt alone and lost in the world, like she’d just looked up to Twilight from the bottom of that crater with nothing but her tattered clothes and a failed dream. If all it took was one bad day, how could she ever know she wouldn’t lose all she’s worked for again? The thought banged around in her mind and drove her tears across her eyes as she struggled with it.
She wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen again, after all, the way Apple Bloom and her friends went about it was more than enough to make it look like it was her without a shadow of a doubt. Another incident on that level would be hard to pull off. The logical reassurance didn’t really matter to the sorrow gripping her heart, however.
Sunset wiped her eyes. Another long, shaky deep breath and another few failed reassurances later she picked up her cheap flip phone and thought about calling or texting someone. Maybe Applejack would give her an honest answer, or Rarity would at least find a flowery way to soothe her fears, but as her fingers hovered over the keys she thought better of it.
With a gentle toss her phone bounced to the other side of the couch and Sunset instead reached into her backpack. The smooth binding of her journal greeted her, and the warmth radiating from a friend that hadn’t just shunned her gave her a little solace.
The smooth brushing of the pages as she flipped the book open filled the silent room. A smile spread over Sunset’s lips as she read Twilight’s last line in the magical ink: “Find your family.”
That trust in herself that she could do that solved all of this, but the more she tried to find relief in the reality of getting through this, the more the doubt that it’d just happen again gripped at her core. Her mind swirled with that uncomfortable anxiety as she tapped her pen against the paper. How strong is the bond if it could’ve been broken forever in just one day? Sunset shook her head, thinking that Twilight deserved an update at least. She twirled her pen back to the paper and began.
Dear Princess Twilight,
I probably say it way too much at this point, but thank you so much for the advice. Part of me knew the girls were still my family, and I went back to them to try to work things out.
It actually worked! We realized who else it could’ve been, and then Apple Bloom and her friends confessed to all of it. We worked past it all and had a really great evening on the farm and a breakfast the next morning like you wouldn’t believe!
But…
A lump formed in Sunset’s throat. She wondered if she should even bring any of this up. Twilight might not even have a solution. Maybe there isn’t one in the first place. Should she really sour the good news with all of this? Sunset grimaced and gripped the sides of her head as she let out a frustrated huff. Knowing how much this was going to eat at her if she didn’t, Sunset’s hand rushed back down to the page.
I have no idea how to get through these doubts. I felt like I lost everything when Fluttershy told me I wasn’t their friend anymore. I know they were hurting and felt betrayed, but how could they throw me away so easily? I tried so hard to be a good friend before that and I lost it all in an instant. How do I know it won’t happen again? How can I trust that they’ll be there for me if something else like this happens?
I don’t know how to get through this and feel the same. I want things to go back to how they were, but now I can’t help but feel like I’m just waiting for it all to fall apart again.
The pen stopped and Sunset didn’t realize the tears had been welling up until one silently crossed her cheek. She shook her head and wiped her eyes, hoping for the shining magic of a response to steal the pain away before leaning back over to the page.
What should I do? I know everything should be fine but I just feel so lost.
The pen rolled out of Sunset’s hand along with a sorrow-filled sigh. Sunset shook the tears out and tried to steel herself against it all. She let out a half-hearted chuckle thinking about all the beasts and monsters she’d stared down in Equestria, how she’d insulted an alicorn to her face and didn’t even flinch, how many people she’d threatened and manipulated without an ounce of remorse and now she was broken up over a few feelings? She tried to tell herself she was stronger than this, but the heartbroken doubt just yanked her right back.
Sunset laid her hand over her chest. For a moment she wished she’d never even tried to make friends if this kind of pain was the cost, but she grimaced and shook the thought out of her mind. All the laughs and smiles at the sleepovers and the warmth of knowing she’d have someone around to talk to that actually cared once the school bell rang, it had to be worth it. With a heavy heart, Sunset slumped down into the stiff couch and let the book drape over her.
It’d probably be a few hours until Twilight got back to her, she thought. Plenty of time to wallow miserably. Sunset looked around the room, hoping for a distraction, but there was nothing besides the broken lamp and a few dead cockroaches.
Just before Sunset resigned to a nap to try to get her mind off of it all, a flash of light beamed across her chest. Her eyes immediately shot open and she scrambled upright. Both of her hands gripped the journal like it was an invaluable artifact from a lost civilization. Her eyes struggled to come into focus, but finally she managed to align them on the page.
Dear Sunset,
I’m so happy to hear that things worked out! I knew that if you stayed true to yourself your friends would come back around. I never would’ve guessed it would’ve been the crusaders though. They’ve definitely gotten up to some trouble here before but nothing on that level.
As long as it all gets worked out at least, right? I’m also really happy to hear that you finally got to experience a proper Hearth’s Warming. It’s so nice to come together like that isn’t it? You have to tell me what kind of traditions they have over there in the human world sometime.
Sunset pursed her lips at the pleasantries. Anxiety clawed at her as she watched the pauses in the ink, dreading the thought of them stopping completely.
But we don’t have to talk about that now. I’m really sorry to hear how much everything hurt you. I think after a situation like this it’s completely understandable to have your doubts about your friends.
I think it’s important to keep in mind that they felt just as betrayed when they thought you were behind all of this. Everyone deserves a second chance to be better, but when you’ve given out that chance and they still hurt you, it can feel terrible to have put your faith in someone that only ever wanted to take advantage of you.
But if your friends are anything like mine, I know they would’ve eventually seen past their own hurt and given you a chance to show the real you, even if it took them some time to get past their own hurt.
Sunset let out a slow sigh and looked away. The light flowing across the forming ink did nothing to quiet the beast chewing through her hope for the future.
I know it can be tough when you start to doubt the power of friendship. I’ve definitely had moments where I thought it was all for nothing too. Recently I even made up with a friend that I hurt a long, long time ago. She didn’t believe in friendship anymore after that, but after we worked through things I know her life is so much better for it. Please don’t lose faith, Sunset. It’s the most important thing you could believe in and you’ve already come so far.
The scrawling light stopped. Sunset waited with a nervous grip on the cover, but nothing else came. She looked over the text a few more times, trying to unlock some secret feeling waiting for her, but her heart remained cold. With an unsteady hand she picked her pen back up and pressed it to the page, pausing for a moment as the uncertainty held her back.
I… I’m just scared of how fast it all happened. One day everything was great and the next they all wanted nothing to do with me. How do I keep going knowing they could turn on me that fast again?
Sunset bit her lip anxiously and waited. The back and forth conversations were rare, but she cherished every time Twilight had the time to do it. This time though, it felt like watching a blade cross the dangling string of her own future.
Oh, Sunset, I hate to know you’re feeling that way about them. It’s true that they might’ve turned you away quickly, but it also hasn’t even been a year since the Fall Formal. They might still be apprehensive about you on some level, but judging from what you’ve told me since you’ve gotten the journal, you guys are getting closer faster than I ever did with my friends.
Trust is hard to earn and very easy to lose, but I promise you after your friends found out the truth their trust in you grew even stronger than before. Everyone at Canterlot High is probably expecting you to turn back to your old ways eventually, but I know you can prove them wrong. You’ve already shown me just how willing you are to accept a new path and I know as long as you stay true to yourself that they’ll have to accept the new you.
A weak smile crossed Sunset’s lips. The fear and hurt that consumed her quieted down to a dull roar as she felt the warmth of this connection, even through dimensions.
Thank you, Twilight. That really does mean a lot. I guess I just… I’m scared of trusting them again after feeling like I lost them forever. I feel like I’m just waiting for the next time everyone blames me and I end up alone. Is that normal? Am I just being selfish now that everything’s been fixed?
Sunset shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she watched the page with bated breath.
Of course you’re not being selfish, Sunset. It’s completely understandable to feel hurt after they distrusted you like that. Moments like these are thankfully rare, but sometimes things go wrong and we aren’t sure of our friends or even ourselves, and this might not be the last time it happens either, but it’s always important to give people a chance to make up for their mistakes.
After all, they gave you a second chance, didn’t they? Don’t you think they deserve the same?
Sunset blinked a few times. She could hardly imagine the amount of pain, suffering, distrust, and anxiety she caused when she drove the girls apart. The amount of faith in her that her friends had to have to even entertain the idea of being cordial with her… Sunset didn’t think she could’ve done the same.
I… yeah… I guess you’re right. They all apologized for it and tried to make it up to me. I probably have years before I make up for all I’ve done. I guess all you can do in the end is your best, and let people show you that they’re willing to do the same.
The weight washed off of Sunset’s shoulders for a moment as she let her wrist go limp. It wasn't a total relief, but saying it out loud felt like it opened a door to prove to her weary heart there are still five caring souls ready to walk with her.
Exactly! I should get you to start teaching friendship lessons with how quick you’re picking up on it. Just give it some time and I promise they’ll do their best to make sure you feel cared about again. No matter what, just stay strong, stay true to yourself, and your true friends will always shine through anything.
Sunset picked up her pen for one last stroke.
Thank you, Twilight.
The subtle clap of the book closing echoed through the silent room. Sunset set her journal to the side and looked back out through the dirty window to watch the drifting snow. The maelstrom of wounded doubt died down to a gentle swirl as she let out another sigh. As she tried to imagine the future it still felt murky and unsettling, but through the veil she could still feel a familiar warmth light a fire of hope for her.
The hurt refused to fully go away, but now Sunset could settle herself down with a little faith for her friends. She tried to imagine the lengths she'd have to go through for some kind of faith in the awful person she was. Would she have even given herself a chance? Maybe not. As the falling snow slowly covered the gray concrete, she let a grateful smile cross her lips at the thought that she got the chance to be someone new in the first place. Just like carving a path through the snow, it'd take time and trust, and something finally clicked into place knowing the long road can still go both ways.
Another long, deep breath from the dingy room that would likely not pass inspection. The lonely atmosphere of the depressing decor didn't feel quite as encasing as it once did when she walked in. Another day and her bags would be packed for the next destination, somewhere that might be a little more welcoming. Somewhere she might get to talk about her favorite cookies.
Sunset grabbed for her phone. Maybe the girls would want to hang out tomorrow too.
