Any Port

“Tell me again why we’re going to the basement for this?”

“Because if Izzy or Celestia-forbid my sister walks in on us, I will literally never hear the end of it. Now come on, put some pep in your step!”

You grunt under the weight of the massive burlap sack balanced precariously in your arms. Being a “big, strong human,” Zipp opted to give you the sack that’s nearly thrice the size of the one she’s carrying. With her comparably greater amount of free movement, she flaps her wings a couple of times to give her a slight boost, allowing her to reach the little chain dangling from the ceiling of the Crystal Brighthouse’s dim, quiet basement. With an audible click, a single light bulb turns on above the two of you.

“Here, let me grab a table.”

Setting her own burlap sack aside, she quickly digs through the nearby pile of knickknacks, chairs, tarps, and other basement/storage area staples. A proud “ah-ha!” escapes her before the sound of something being dragged along the ground graces your ears. It’s difficult to tell exactly what’s happening on account of the massive burlap sack blocking your vision, but if you had to guess, you’d say she found the table she was looking for.

“Alright, set ‘em down!”

You happily do as she commands, the foldable plastic table audibly groaning under the weight of the sack. You try to hold in a groan as you shake out your poor, aching arms, but do a miserable job at it.

“Hey, thanks for being a trooper.” Zipp nudges you in the bicep with a hoof, inadvertently making you wince in pain. “I’ll treat you to dinner for the trouble, okay?”

“Appreciate it,” you mumble as you roll your sore shoulders and grab a chair that’s a bit too small to be convenient for your humanoid form. “So, those are really all letters?”

“Eeyup,” she chuckles as she tosses the sack she’d set aside next to yours. With practiced ease, she nimbly undoes the ropes tying them shut, raising an eyebrow at you matter-of-factly when hundreds of letters pour out of them and onto the table. “Now you see why I hate Hearts and Hooves Day so much.”

“And this happens every year?!”

“Yeah, though there have been a lot more the past couple of years specifically, what with having triple the ‘options.’”

“Dang,” you mumble with a click of your tongue. “I am… so sorry.”

“Eh, I’m used to it.” She shrugs and takes a seat across from you, tossing the sacks aside and pushing the letters into a disorganized pile if only to prevent them from falling onto the floor. “Now let’s have a laugh at some poor stallion’s expense.”

You give her an incredulous smile of your own while she whips out a letter opener and grabs the first of what is sure to be many, many letters. You agreed to help her with this monumental task yesterday evening after she confided in you her disdain for today: Hearts and Hooves Day.

For Princess Zephyrina "Zipp" Storm, Hearts and Hooves Day is the perfect… well, storm. Everyone living at the Brighthouse (except you, what with you not having contributed to the restoration of Equestria’s magic) is fairly popular in the eyes of the public, and there are many lonely stallions and mares looking for love during this “romantic” time of year. Zipp, however, has it the worst, somehow even beating out her ever-popular sister. Being a princess will do that to you, you suppose.

Her situation is made even worse on account of her mother, Queen Haven, who insists that she maintain appearances. In other words, while she obviously doesn’t have to return the affections of any of the countless potential suitors sending her love letters and invitations for marriage every Hearts and Hooves Day, she does have to respond to them to officially turn them down.

Every.

Single.

One.

Thus, too embarrassed to ask her other friends, she requested that you help her out with it, insisting that it would not only be really funny reading the letters of hopeless romantics with no chance, but also that she would make it worth your while by paying for dinner. Of course, you were more than willing to help her anyway. Your heart skipped a beat when she asked to talk to you, and then it skipped another when she asked for your help. Zipp is one of your closest friends, but she’s just so darn cool that there was no way you wouldn’t find yourself falling hopelessly in love with her.

You’ve elected to keep that little nugget of information to yourself, though. Your friendship with her takes priority over everything else, and you’d rather not be just another name in the massive pile of rejects collected on the table even if it means forfeiting any chance you may have had with her.

“Hah, I picked a great first letter! Check this one out!” She looks up at you with an expression that can only mean mischief before clearing her throat. In a deep, mocking voice, she begins to read. “Dearest Zephyrina, it would be my honor and my pleasure to accompany you to this year’s Zephyr Heights Hearts and Hooves Day Ball. As you are well aware, the Wellington estate carries much influence throughout Bridlewood, and my family has been eager to meet your own. Surely you would agree that our union would bring about a new era of prosperity for both the pegasi and the unicorns, no? I look forward to hearing back from you posthaste. Charmed, Duke Rich Wellington.”

“...Wow. That guy has his head shoved so far up his own rear end I think it’s right back where it started.”

“RIGHT?! Half of them are like this! Seriously, who in Equestria are the Wellingtons?! ‘A new era of prosperity for both the pegasi and the unicorns’ my butt! Aren’t we already doing that?!”

“Yeesh, I can only imagine how insufferable that guy must be in person.”

Zipp laughs as she whips out a sheet of paper. With shockingly delicate hoofwriting and insane speed, she jots down an entire response letter which boils down to the wordiest, most polite way of telling Mr. Wellington to never speak to her again.

…Wow, she is really good at making that sound professional. She’d be a middle-manager's worst nightmare.

“Okay, you try one!”

“Alright, let’s see here.” Repeating after her, you pick from Mt. Doomed Romantics and gingerly open a letter with a shoddy looking wax seal holding it shut. “Ahem. Princess Zephyrina, it would be an honor and a pleasure to make your acquaintance at the Zephyr Heights Hearts and Hooves Day Ball this year. While I am sure you’ve received plenty of invitations already, I assure you that none of your other potential suitors could hold a candle to what I have to offer. Have you ever considered taking up the company of another mare? This duchess believes we can turn all of Equestria on its head with the sparks that will surely fly! Waiting with bated breath, Duchess Dynamo.”

“...Wow.”

“Looks like you’ve captured the hearts of stallions and mares!”

She tries to stifle a laugh, but fails miserably. She snorts loudly before banging on the table with one hoof, tears in her eyes like you just said the funniest thing she’d ever heard.

“Yeah, I have!” It takes her a few moments to calm herself down, but when she finally manages to wipe the tears from her eyes, her amused smile is still plastered on her face. “I’m gonna blame it on the royalty thing more than anything else.”

“Oh, come on, Zipp. Setting aside the princess thing, you’re super athletic, you’ve saved the country multiple times over, you’re pretty without even trying, and you’re the smartest mare I know. You don’t need to sell yourself short when you’re the greatest catch in Equestria!”

Her smile runs from her face faster than she can fly, replaced by quickly reddening cheeks that stick out like a sore thumb on her white coat. However, one awkward cough and a forced laugh is enough for her to regain her composure. Or, at least, to pretend she has.

“I-I appreciate that, but all these fops don’t actually know a thing about me.” She shakes her head as if to rid herself of any unwanted thoughts. “And besides, the reason that was so funny is that for some reason, half the mares that contact me think they’re the only ones doing so.”

“You’ve seen a letter like that before?”

“Dude, we’re probably going to read another two dozen just like it tonight alone.” She rolls her eyes and laughs yet again, this time with a more genuine smile on her face. “And speaking of, we should probably get moving. If you find another funny one, don’t hesitate to read it out. Otherwise I trust you to make the responses sound official and polite and whatnot. If you’re not sure, just let me know, alright?”

“What if they notice that our handwriting… hoofwriting… whatever doesn’t match up?”

“Then they’ll probably assume I had an aide writing them for me. Congrats, dude! You’ve been promoted!”

The two of you share a laugh as you reach for a blank piece of paper, quickly drafting up a response. You have a little bit of experience writing professional emails and such in your old world, so this type of formal speech comes naturally to you. It isn’t fun per se, but it’s doable. And if you plan to get through the seemingly endless pile of letters, you’re going to have to get used to it. For a brief moment, you wonder if this was worth it. But looking across the table at Zipp, seeing those striking blue eyes of hers getting lost in a furrowed brow of frustration as she reads another one of her many letters, you feel your heart beating just a little bit faster in your chest.

It’s worth it.

“Aaaaand done!”

Zipp leans back in her chair as her pen rolls across the table haphazardly. Next to you are two familiar burlap sacks, now filled with just as many responses as there were letters when you entered this dingy basement. You look across the table at your exhausted partner-in-crime, watching as she slumps her shoulders over the back of her chair.

“That wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be!” you lie.

“Hey, from my perspective, it was way easier than it normally is.” She smirks at you as she leans forward. “This is the first time since I was ten years old that I didn’t have to do it all by myself. Thanks for that. Really.”

“Ten?!”

“Some ponies are gross. It’s nothing new,” she sighs as she stretches out her wings, clearly taking great satisfaction in the relief that comes with doing so. “Anyway, we made good time! If we hurry, we can probably grab dinner tonight before the restaurants close. Your pick, of course.”

You hesitate for a moment, your voice caught in your throat as you stammer out a response.

“A-are you sure about that?” You really, really don’t want to bring this up, but you’ve known Zipp for a long time now. This is far from the first time you’re going to ruin your own chances with her for the sake of your friendship, and it probably won’t be the last. “If we go out to dinner together, everypony is going to assume we’re… you know… on a Hearts and Hooves date.”

“Oh. …Oh! R-right.” Zipp clears her throat once more, her eyes darting away from you and towards the sacks. “W-well, I wouldn’t… that is to say, I…” Her entire face grows beet red, and even though you can’t see yourself, you can tell from the sudden increase in temperature that yours is doing the same. “I’m okay with that.” Her voice cracks. Hard. Panicked, she clears her throat for a third time, managing to force out some more normal-sounding words. “I-it would show any would-be suitors that I’m not interested in them! Yeah!”

While her words are obviously forced, the fact that she’s saying them at all has butterflies filling your stomach. Why is she so embarrassed? Shouldn’t you be the panicked one here?!

“W-well, I would love to,” you squeak out, your own voice following her lead and cracking against your will. “If you’ll have me, I mean.”

“There’s no one I’d rather dine with.”

She gives you an anxious smile before flapping her wings and taking to the air. At least, what little air there is in the basement. Then, faster than you can process, she crosses the table, places the world’s quickest peck on your cheek, grabs the smaller of the burlap sacks, and flies right up the nearby stairs.

“Be ready by 8:00! And leave the letters by the door!”

“...O-okay,” you barely manage to force out before she shuts the door behind her. “Wow.”

You place your hand on your chest, feeling your heart beating so hard that it’s making your ears ring. You swallow a lump that you hadn’t realized was forming in your throat and lean back in your chair. After sending so many rejection letters, you never expected this to happen.

Maybe Hearts and Hooves Day won’t be so bad, after all.