Human VS

Human VS
Equestria: Crossing Over (Fanfic)

Arena: Ponyville Area, Equestria
Challenge: Complete the Story...?
Danger Level: Miniscule

Match Beginning in 3.......2.......1....

The jester-hat wearing human spawns in on the edge of the cliff, staring down into the abyss. He knew how the story went. Blah blah blah, chase scene, blah blah blah, leap into an abyss, blah blah blah, ponies. He wrote the damn story!

"A self-insert fic inside a self-insert fic? How many levels are there in this rabbit hole?" He chuckled, rolling his eyes and shrugging. He had no strong desire or need to wait around for the FBI agents that had no reason to be chasing him, nor did he have any reason to run the first time. Come to think of it, that was never really explained...? Regardless, his producer wasn't paying him to NOT jump into this dark cliff, then skydive from his world into a world of colorful equines.

"Should I scream something on my way in? Like.. HI HO SILVER! Nah that's too old-timey... GERONIMO!! No that's too cliche.." As he paused for thought, he heard several crunching noises as a troop of the aforementioned agents had located him. "Ah, darn. No time! CANNNONNBALLLLL!!!" With a leap, he tucked his legs against his chest and hugged them, dropping like a jingling stone into the mouth of the hole.

The FBI agents peered into the hole, then looked at each other, shrugging.

Darkness soon turned to light, and just like before, he found himself skydiving toward Ponyville. Pegasi flew under him, completely unaware of the jester, and rather than get their attention in the usual way, he decided to have some fun.

"Well, it's not every day you get to skydive without a chute!" He shouted with a huge smile, then he did several flips and twirls, then pulled out a set of juggling balls. Unfortunately, they were much lighter than he was, and he quickly lost them as soon as he threw them up. Then he pulled out a deck of cards and they had the same fate. "They make that look easier in the cartoons.." He said dryly, looking up at his props, then he shrugged.

"Nothing left to do now, other than the patented Corkscrew Maneuver!" He quickly inverted himself, aiming his head directly at the ground, crossing his arms over his chest, then angled his feet so that he started to spin, picking up more and more speed as he fell. "EEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

His loud exclamation was overheard by a pair of roaming pegasi, seeing what looked like a colorfully dressed hairless monkey speeding headfirst into the ground. They swooped down and quickly grabbed onto him, inverting the jester and getting him to sit carefully in their forelegs.

"Aww party poopers. You shoulda let me hit the ground! It's okay, I'll respawn in the next chapter. I just thought that biting it 10 minutes into THIS chapter woulda been hilarious!" He protested, squirming a bit while they tried to keep him from leaping to his death and exchanged confused glances.

"What the hay IS this thing, Cloud Kicker?"
"I dunno but it sure is squirmy! Stay still, weirdo! We're trying to make sure you don't hurt yourself!"
"Should we bring it to Twilight?"
"Yeah, she'd know what to do with...whatever this thing is.."
"I have a name ya know!"

The two pegasi carefully dropped the jester hat-wearing young man just outside Golden Oak Library, then Cloud Kicker knocked on the door while the other, currently unnamed pegasus kept an eye on Austin.
"Just don't run away, okay? We're not gonna hurt you!" She said, smiling maternally. "We understand you're probably really nervous, but we're your friends!"
"I'm not nervous! And if I run away, it's more likely because I want to cause some chaos and mischief, not because I'm afraid." He corrected with a nod, the sparkling red bells on his hat tingling.
"Oh dear, I think he's becoming delirious... That fall must've put him into a state of shock!"

Austin frowned, giving her a confused look and opening his mouth to correct her again, wanting to assure the pegasus that he was just fine and in no way delirious, when the door opened. Twilight stood in the doorway, smiling and greeted Cloud Kicker and the other pegasus, who was apparently named Sunny Sky before looking past them at Austin with a mix of confusion and wonder.

"Hey Twilight. We found this... thing falling out of the sky at breakneck speeds! We just barely managed to catch it, it was going so fast! We were hoping you knew what it was..."
"Leave it to me, girls!" Twilight said with a big smile, then the two pegasi looked at Austin and gave him their best reassuring looks.
"Just stay with Twilight. Twilight is your friend!"
"Yeah! We don't want you getting hurt... weird... bipedal... thing!"
"Just go inside and sit down, okay?"

Austin deadpanned at them, not appreciating the baby-talk, but knew better than to correct them again; So he just went inside and sat down on the closest stool. Twilight waved goodbye to the pegasi, then closed the door and turned to look at him.

"SO..." She said awkwardly, giving him a big, fake grin. "..what are you?"
"I'm human, my name is Austin, you're a unicorn, your name is Twilight Sparkle, protege of Princess Celestia and local librarian and bookworm." He said dryly.
"How did you-"
"It's easier if I just say it like this...We're on a TV show. Human VS. I'm the human. You're the... thing I'm up against. Well, not you SPECIFICALLY... But... this." He said, spreading his arms and doing jazz-hands at his surroundings.
"You're... against my library?"
"No!" He facepalmed, then stood up and spread his arms again, spinning a bit. "THIS. All this. I'm against like... the whole world."
"You.. feel like the world is against you."

There was a long silence as Austin stared at her, the same expression locked on his face. Thiiiiis wasn't as fun as he was hoping, he thought to himself.

"Okay, since this chapter is going nowhere as is, I'm just gonna get this started in the usual fashion."
"Chapter? What are you talking abo-"

Before she could finish her sentence, Austin stood up, gave her a wave, then took a diving leap out of the nearest window before getting up and sprinting at top speed toward the market. Twilight quickly ran to the window and looked after him, then teleported out and gave chase.

"HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

He continued to run, a huge grin on his face. He knew this story like nobody's business. He wrote it after all! Soon enough, she would've called Fluttershy, then he'd run away, get caught and get tied up. But why would he wait, just to get bound to a chair when there was CHAOS to unleash?! He dashed past the apple stand, followed by Rainbow Dash's napping cloud causing both ponies to look at him, and the purple unicorn chasing him. Without another word, the two of them gave chase as well, catching up to her.

"Hey Twi! What's that thing we're chasing?"
"I don't know! Says he's a human or something, but then he leapt through my window and ran off!"
"I'll wrangle that varmint!" Applejack said, pulling the rope from her saddlebag and beginning to twirl it above her head.

He glanced behind, seeing the orange pony readying her lasso, then flashed a mischievous grin. He waited until the very last moment, and then reached around a stall on his way by and sent out a barrel. The lasso grabbed the barrel instead of him, and Applejack screeched to a halt before turning tail and trying to avoid it, only to have the barrel crash into her. Rainbow Dash scowled, shouting after the jester.

"HEY! NOPONY DOES THAT TO MY FRIENDS!"

She took to the air and sped after him, quickly catching up. She reached out and lifted him up by his underarms, higher and higher. "I got him Twilight!" She called, distracting her for just enough time for him to reach up and tickle under her belly. She squealed in laughter, dropping him again, and Twilight shot out a magical net to snag the rowdy jester. He looked at the net and yelped, the magenta grid slamming into him and the heavy weights swinging around one another as he fell backwards, the net ensnaring him. Twilight grinned and ran over.

"Gotcha! Now stop running and let us help... you?"

As it turns out, Austin had pulled a carnival trick on her, replacing himself with a look-alike dummy at the last possible instant. The magical net faded and she looked around, only to hear soft jingling from above. She looked up to see Austin's legs scramble over a rooftop, then he turned and looked back at her, spitting raspberries for a minute before running off again.

"Where'd he go?" Applejack said, running up behind her. "We just had him!"
"Over that rooftop! Rainbow, take to the sky and keep a bead on him! Me and Applejack will take the alleys!"

Rainbow salutes, then gains altitude, looking down from above. "He's heading toward Sugarcube Corner!"

Austin was indeed speeding toward Sugarcube Corner. Was it so that he could get Pinkie to warp him back home? No, of course not. Chaos was his game! He dropped from the roofs, then ran into the bakery, quickly entering and leaping the counter, leaving behind a very confused Mrs. Cake. AJ, Twi and RD came in after him, looking around.

"Mrs. Cake, did you see a-"

Mrs. Cake just pointed over her shoulder nervously, toward the kitchen. They went in after him, only to see him exiting with a heavy bag of flour over his shoulder. They ran after him, soon cornering him against a house. He looked around for possible escape routes, then spun around to look at the 3 ponies. Soon, Fluttershy, Rarity and Pinkie all came in too, likely told by other ponies who saw the chase.

"Austin, right?" Twilight said, slowly taking a step forward. "It's okay, we don't want to hurt you! We understand you're really scared and-"
"I'm not scared!" He said, putting his arm out, exasperated how they didn't get that yet.
"Then why do you keep runnin' off?" AJ said, frowning.
"It's.. it's part of my contract, or something. I gotta make each episode interesting!"
"Episode?" Rarity said, frowning. "Like.. on TV?"
"YES. Human VS. Channel 7? 6 PM EST, 7 CST?"

The ponies all looked at each other, muttering among themselves for a minute, then looked back at him.
"Theeeere's no show called 'Human VS'..." Rainbow said, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes, there is. We're on it right now. We're filming an episode as we speak!"

Suddenly, Austin's cellphone rang. He sighed heavily and put a finger up, setting down the bag of flour and turning his back to them as he answered the call. "Hello?"

"Who's he talking to..?"
"What's that box thing..?"
"Shhh!"

Austin paced a bit, pinching his nose. "Yeah I get it... Ok but-... Yes, I know what my contract says. They don't even know what I'm talking about.... Ok ok... OKAY... okay, see you at the studio. Ok... bye." He hangs up, then pockets the phone and picks up the bag of flour, heaving it onto his shoulder again as he turns to face the ponies.

"I've been told I shouldn't be telling you that we're on an episode of Human VS. I've also been told that I need to get this episode moving or I'm fired."
"Fired? Episode...?"
"What was that box you were talking into?"

He smiled and waved. "Sorry no questions today! Gotta go! Remember, reality is an illusion! The universe isn't real! Buy gold! BYEEEE!" He then lifted the bag above his head and slammed it against the ground, causing it to erupt into a thick white cloud of dust. The ponies all coughed and waved their hooves in front of their muzzles, trying their best to clear away the flour-splosion. When the dust settled, they saw that Austin was gone. Again.

The ponies began to search all over town for the jester, even getting a few passerby to help out. Rainbow and Fluttershy were on sky patrol while the others covered the ground. How could something as visually loud as a human in Equestria be so slippery?! Eventually, Princess Celestia, having heard the news, flew down on her chariot as Twilight ran over, gave a bow, then looked up at her teacher.

"Princess! We're having such a hard time finding that... human thing. He keeps causing trouble everywhere he goes!"
"So I've heard..." Celestia said, trying to contain her amusement at the situation. "You said he was apparently on some sort of TV show...?"
"Yes, he keeps talking about this show called 'Human VS', but every time we corner him, he disappears again!"
"I've watched this show, he's quite the trickster!" Celestia said, chuckling. "But don't worry, there is a way to beat him."
"There is? Omigosh, thank you Princess! What is it?" Twilight said excitedly.

Within an hour, the whole town was quiet. Every pony apparently going back to their usual fare. A soft jingle escaped from a barrel as a familar jester hat-clad head peeked out, looking around. He looked confused, then climbed out of the barrel and went into the market. Nobody even bat an eye at him. They just went amongst themselves and left him be.

"Something ain't right..." He said, frowning. "It's quiet. Too quiet..." He ran to the library, opening the door and going in. Twilight was there, reading a book. She glanced up at him, gave him a polite smile and wave, then went back to her book.

"Hey, aren't you gonna chase me?"
"Mm-mm." She said, without looking away from the pages.
"You're not gonna tie me up and try to get me to talk?"
"Nnnnope."
"Seriously...?"
"Mm-hm."

He frowned a little more, then turned and pretended to leave. "Okayyy well.. I'm going to go wreck up the marketplace! You better come stop me!"
"That's nice, have fun!" She said, completely unfazed.
"Um... O-Okay well after that I'm gonna go kick over Applejack's cart!"
"Alright, enjoy!"
"....Annnnd then I'll burn down Sugarcube Corner!"
"There's some black powder in the storage closet, if you need it."

The horns on Austin's hat drooped and he looked dejected. "Really?" Twilight didn't even respond to that one. She just smiled, sitting there with her eyes glued to the page. With a soft flick, the page turned and she continued as silence rang out in the library.

"You...You're not gonna stop me."

Twilight set a bookmark into it, then stretched her forelegs and yawned before standing up and smiling at him, then turning tail and going upstairs to her bed.

"W-Wait where are you going?!"
"To bed."
"Yo-You can't be serious! I'm going to cause wanton destruction and and and utter chaos in your town!"
"We'll rebuild. We always do when something like you shows up."
"Hey! I am NOT some would-be villain-of-the-week!"

Twilight, again, gave no response as she went upstairs and got into bed. The droopy jester frowned, then left and closed the door behind him. He ran to Sugarcube Corner, but it was closed for the day. He went to Sweet Apple Acres, but the gate was locked. There wasn't a single pony who wanted to give his antics the time of day. That is.. until Celestia came down from the skies and landed near him.

"Celestia..." He said, his arms crossed.
"Austin.." She said, smiling warmly as usual.
"Peaceful evening for a flight from Canterlot...?"
"Very."
"You watch the show, don't you?"
"Every night."

He scowled as she just maintained her gentle smile, but the mischievous twinkle in her eye gave her away. He rolled his eyes, grumbling a bit.

"What was that?" She inquired, raising an eyebrow.
"Nothing."
"Well, something needs to happen, Austin. There's got to be a winner this week."

Another silence. He stared at her with a grimace, she stared back with a knowing smile. Finally, he took his hat off and threw it at the ground in defeat, turning away.

"Ohhhh horseapples... You win."

HUMAN DEFEATED!!

Bits Lost: 0
Ponyville: Barely Touched
Chaos Caused: 40 Bits of Damages

Celestia smiled as she lifted the hat from the ground with her magic, shaking it off and gently placing it back on his head.

"Don't take it too hard, dear. You did your best."
"I made it to like, the 3rd chapter! Out of 10!"
"Well, if it makes you feel better, I loved that corkscrew skydive you did earlier."
"Grrr.."

He crossed his arms again, rolling his eyes and sighing. "I guess it makes me feel a little better."
"And don't worry, this isn't the first time you've lost."
"Well, maybe, but it still sucks."

Celestia just chuckles and gently pats at his back with one of her wings. "Maybe try one of your other fics..."