Human VS

by DubleTruble96

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Other, Gore, Violence, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6
Length: 21822

Austin is sent to different Equestrias to see if he would be able to survive, but plays instead.

WELCOME TO HUMAN VS! THE ONLY REALITY GAME SHOW THAT PITS ONE FEEBLE HUMAN AGAINST THE MANY DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF EQUESTRIA!!

Austin, a mere human with average statistics, but has a huge sense of humour and a very wide range of skills that help him survive a variety of situations. But how will he put up against Equestria? Many different Equestrias, that is!

He will be set in a variety of horrific situations: The Rainbow Factory, Pinkamena's Bakery, Magic Kindergarden...

But Austin's sense of humour is bigger than his survival instinct, so he's more likely to screw with everything rather than survive...

Will he escape the evil clutches of some of the worst Equestria has to offer? Or will he just mess with their stuff so much that they lose their minds?....Again.

Read on and find out!

Published 2012-10-17 10:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-25 01:54:19 UTC

The Rainbow Factory

Human VS

The Rainbow Factory

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Arena: Cloudsdale Rainbow Factory
Challange: Avoid being turned into a rainbow by Rainbow Dash, the head of the factory.
Danger Level: High

Match beginning in 3....2....1....

=================================================================================================

Austin spawned in the Cloudsdale Rainbow Factory Holding Cell. The gate slowly opened up and a pegasus worker covered in a variety of colours and blood steps in.

"You, human. You're next."

"Sure thing my rainbow-covered amigo!"

"Don't call me that."

"Alrighty then."

The pegasus led him through the factory, a lot of banging and clanging emitting from machinary all over the place. A loud hiss is heard, followed by the bubbling and glooping of rainbow juice being extracted from the machine, the 6 spouts each spurting a different colour. Whatever that was, it looked hot. Steam rose from each stream of molten colour. Austin just kept smiling and looking around like a kid in a candy store. Finally, they led him to a large machine...The Pegasus device. The machine that slaughtered pegasi and ponies and extracted their colour. Austin just smiled at it like it was an old friend.

"Well well well! Look what the cat dragged in!" Rainbow Dash flew down and trotted over, with a huge and insane-looking smile on her face.

"Hey Dashie! Nice machine!" Austin beamed.

"Can it. You lost the race fair and square, so you have no reason to protest."

"But I'm not protesting. I don't have a picket sign or anything."

Rainbow Dash facehoofed and sighed.

"Just strap him into the machine already..."

"Awww, I don't get a final request?"

"This isn't death row!" Rainbow's grin turned into a frustrated frown. She just wanted to make the next batch of rainbows, but she was out of red, so she was going to take the red from Austin. But it was proving to be more pain that what it was worth.

"So? I think that it's only right."

"No other pegasi got a final request."

"No other pegasi asked for one. They were too busy whimpering."

She facehoofed again, then groaned.

"Fine fine! What do you want?"

"I want a cupcake from Sugarcube Corner."

"Fine. You there, guard! Get a cupcake from-"

"Waitwaitwait....I want a cupcake from Sugarcube Corner, delivered by Rainbow Dash."

"WHAT?!"

"You granted a final request, and that's my final request. Get going!"

"I'm not doing that!"

"Then you're uncool."

"You can't just say that because I won't get you a cupcake!"

"I can and did."

She just groaned, then flew out the window. Austin and the guards waited for Dashie's return, the whole while Austin was annoying the guards with his constant idle chitchat.

"So then I said, 'Rainbow, I wanna race so that I can at least try to earn my freedom' and she said 'okay' and then we raced, but I think she cheated because she used her wings, and I didn't have wings, so I thought it was cheating and-"

"Would you PLEASE JUST SHUT UP?"

"What? I can't tell you a story?"

"We know what happened! We were there!"

"Oh, well that renders the story useless...But what do you think? Do you think it was cheating?"

"She's used to racing pegasi..."

"Well I'm not a pegasus, and she knew that, so I think it was cheating."

"It's not cheating. You were just unlucky to have no wings."

Rainbow Dash then flew in with a small cupcake, pink frosting and chocolate base.

"Ewwww....Strawberry icing? And no sprinkles? Wow Dashie...that's just bad..."

"Well you didn't say you wanted a certain flavor!"

"I want purple icing that tastes like chocolate, and a chocolate base. And get some sprinkles....I don't eat cupcakes without sprinkles."

Rainbow Dash grumbled and set the first one down, then flew out to get another.

"Well ANYWAY..."

The guard groaned heavily.

"There, here's you stupid cupcake. Purple chocolate icing, sprinkles, with a chocolate base."

"Thank you...."

"Well aren't you gonna eat it?"

"I can't eat it with your guards holding my arms behind my back..."

"Well we can't just let you go!"

"Then I guess you'll have to feed it to me."

"I went out to get it. I'm not feeding it to you."

"Then get one of your guards to do it."

"No!"

"Then how can you fulfill my final request?!"

Rainbow gritted her teeth.

"FINE! Look, guards...let him go, but keep a close eye on him...."

"Thank you."

Austin walked over and picked up his cupcake, then looked at the guards and took a bite. He was very obedient, not even trying to run away, and rather, sat there, quietly, eating his cupcake. Rainbow Dash just waited impatiently and kept looking at the clock. One of the guards whistled and the other one just stared somewhere else.

Austin finally finished his cupcake, then looked at the other cupcake.

"Anyone want that other cupcake?"

"I thought you don't eat cupcakes without sprinkles."

"I don't, I just want to know if you do."

"No, I don't want one. Now get into the machine!!"

"Yeah yeah...okay..."

Austin walked over and strapped himself into the machine and smiled at them.

"Toodles you guys! Next time you see me I'll be a rainbow I guess!"

As the machine hauled Austin inside, Rainbow Dash just groaned.

"Man that guy is WEIRD...."

Meanwhile, a long scalpel lowered it's blade towards Austin, and Austin stared at the shiny silver blade as it inched downward to aim for his chest. Austin just kept smiling, fiddling with something in one hand. Suddenly, his wrist strap undid itself and Austin undid his other hand. He grabbed the scalpel and broke it off the machine's arm, and sliced through the other straps and giggled. Escaping the pegasus device was easy when you have fingers.

Austin put the scalpel's handle in his mouth and hopped down into the lower parts of the machine. He looked at all the clanging and hissing parts of the machine, and tapped his chin in thought.

"Such a big machine...it'd be a shame if it just broke down because some human happened to jam a set of gears with a scalpel!"

Austin jammed a set of rather important gears with the scalpel handle, and grinned, then climbed back out of the machine.

"Like that."

Austin lept over to a catwalk and picked up a monkey wrench, then clamped it onto a valve and twisted, making it hiss and leak rainbow juice all over the floor.

"Oopsie!" Austin snickered and ran down the catwalk to mess with more machinery.

"What do you mean the pegasus device is broken?!"

"I mean it's broken, Ms. Dash...The machine won't work now, and the corpse of that human hasn't been found yet."

"That's because he hasn't been killed yet!! FIND HIM! And quickly! Before he destroys the entire factory!"

Meanwhile, a few pegasi were chasing Austin, that is until he 'accidentally' tripped them and made them fall into a vat of green. The emerged unharmed, but they were green from head to hoof. Austin laughed and continued running, then grabbed a sledgehammer that he found lying around. He then proceeded to break any machinery that happened to be in his general view. The machinery hissed and shook, rattled and rumbled...It looked ready to explode. Austin just skipped along, hitting things with his hammer. Finally, he took notice of two guards flying at him with rather dangerous looking knives.

"Ooooh! I'm in trouble!" Austin giggled and dropped the hammer, then ran down the catwalk to play a game with the guards. He dove between pipes and through windows and doors, the whole while the guards keeping up with him, until Austin picked up a larger knife and ran to on of the hoses connected to a giant metal vat of purple ooze.

"What's your favorite colour?" Austin grinned as the guards stopped in their tracks and turned to fly away. "Mine's purple!" Austin then sliced through the hose and aimed it at the guards, firing a tidal wave of purple fluid everywhere, dying everything a shade of lavender. Austin giggled and ran to mess with more machines.

"We've just lost a vat of purple, Ms. Dash. Blue levels are going down as well."

"Do I have to do everything myself?!" Rainbow then flew out into the main area to take a bird's eye view of the factory. She then heard another vat explode.

"The human has blown up the vat of orange, Ms. Dash."

"I CAN SEE THAT!!"

Austin grabbed a valve and twisted it, spraying green everywhere. Austin seemed to be on a rampage that would not cease until either the factory was nothing more than twisted metal, or he was eliminated. Rainbow Dash had chosen the latter, Austin had other plans in mind. He knew that RD was coming to kill him. So he had messed up her factory until the point that was near impossible to repair. The only thing he needed to do now was what RD had captured him for. Destroy the vat of red.

Austin grabbed the bright red valve handle and grinned, then went to turn it.

"STOP right there..."

Austin turned and saw the very angry pegasus staring right back, coated in green, blue and yellow, her hooves dyed purple.

"Hey look! It's Rainbow Rainbow Dash!" Austin laughed and slapped his leg.

"Shut it! You messed up my factory, wasted more than a year's worth of rainbow juice, and destroyed half of my machines!"

"Awwww, well to be honest you had it coming."

"I'm here to take care of you."

"I'm here to take care of you!"

"Don't copy me!"

"Don't copy me!~"

"STOP SAYING WHAT I'M SAYING!!"

"STOP SAYING WHAT I'M SAYING!" Austin grinned at her.

Rainbow flew into a mixture of rage and insanity, then flew at Austin with a very large knife. Austin just side-stepped and Dashie missed, and punctured the hose connecting the red to the rest of the factory.

"Oooh. That's gotta hurt...." Austin said, wincing.

Rainbow Dash looked in shock and horror as the red fluid first just spritzed, then sprayed. She desperately tried to cover it with her hooves, but it was far too late for that. Austin just smiled then wandered over to the very noticable and very conveniently placed emergency self-destruct button for the Pegasus device.

"DON'T TOUCH THAT!!"

"Touch what? This big red button? This one right here?"

"I beg of you! DO NOT TOUCH THAT BUTTON!!"

"Why?" Austin read the warning label above it. "Caw-tee-on! Sounds fancy!"

"You moron! That says CAUTION!!"

"Ohhhhhhh! In that case..." Austin quickly pressed the button and grinned at the mare who just stared at him like he was the one who was insane.

"See you later Rainbow CRASH!!" Austin ran through the exit door and promptly fell through the clouds.

Rainbow's ears just dropped and she moaned.

Regardless whether or not he died after that fall, she knew that the Pegasus device, and possibly everything else, was gonna blow.

In ten seconds flat.

"Oh cruel irony..." She muttered.

Author's Note

You want Human VS to continue? I need some ideas! I think we can work out an arrangement~

I need ideas for the next chapters of Human VS! Who will Austin be put up against next chapter? That's up to you! Help me out by commenting, sending me a message, or even spamming my inbox with as many ideas as you possibly can come up with!

Remember, this is NOT a porno! I want ideas that are funny (they can be gory too!) but UNDER 18! So stuff like "Sweet Apple Massacre" and "Lil' Miss Rarity" are out of the question.

Here's where you can find me!

YOUTUBE: DusktheHedgehog69
DEVIANTART: DubleTruble96
TUMBLR: asknightwisp.tumblr.com
FIMFICTION: DubleTruble96
FACEBOOK: Unavailable until further notice.

Pinkamena's Bakery

Human VS

Pinkamena's Bakery

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Arena: Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville
Challange: Survive Pinkamena's basement and get out alive, and not turned into a baked good.
Danger Level: Severe

Match beginning in 3......2......1.......

=================================================================================================

Austin awakens in a dimly-lit room, strapped to a blood-stained metal table. He sees a variety of torture tools set on a table beside him. All he can see and smell is blood and death. Austin looks around from his place on the table. He doesn't see much else, just a large door, a few other torture devices and a few dead ponies laying the corner of the room.

"Oh hey Frankie! Bobby! What's up bro? You seen better days, huh? HEY! Patty! You look the worse for wear. Sorry I couldn't save you guys." Austin joked with the corpses. Pinkamena then walks into the room and smiles.

"Hello Austin. Glad to see you're finally awake."

"Hello Pinkie! Good to see you're finally here."

"Don't call me Pinkie. It's Pinkamena now."

"Pinkamena? Like Pinkamena Diane Pie?"

"Yes..."

"Sounds tasty."

"That's not funny."

"I thought it was. Not my fault you have the last name 'Pie'."

"Cute. Now shut up and get screaming..."

"That's doesn't make any sense."

"It doesn't have to make sense! I'm Pinkie- OOP...I mean Pinkamena...Diane Pie."

"Surrrre, whatever you say Pinkie-mena."

"Stop calling me that!"

Pinkamena grabbed a scalpel from the little table beside him, and lowered it to his chest.

"Wait a sec."

"What is it now?!"

"You're ABSOLUTELY certain you have enough ingredients to make me into cupcakes?"

"Yes! I am!"

"Icing?"

"Got it."

"Eggs? Flour?"

"Yes. Yes. Now just shut up and-"

"What about chocolate chips?"

"Chocolate...ch-...WHAT AM I SAYING? No, I don't have chocolate chips. But your cupcakes don't need them!"

"You suuuuure? Come on...Think of the taste."

Pinkamena's mouth started to drool, but she snapped out of it.

"STOP SAYING THAT!!"

"The melty soft chocolate chips mingling with the taste of flesh, blood and vanilla icing..."

She started to drool again. Deep down, she was still Pinkie. Just really insane Pinkie. Didn't mean she hated sweets anymore, though...

"No! I...I don't need.....ch-chocolate.....chips."

"Just imagine it...And me being 6 feet tall? Man, that's a lot of cupcakes....6-9 dozen at least!"

She seemed to go into a bit of a trance, thinking about all those cupcakes.

"Pinkamena?"

No answer.

"Pinkamena? Hellloooooooo?"

Still nothing.

"Pinkie? Pinkie Pie? Pinkamena Diane Pie? Anything?"

She just stared into space, drooling. She was lost in her own thoughts. It's gonna be a while before she snapped back to reality.

"Pinkamena!"

She snapped back and blinked.

"What? Oh...right..the human."

"Now, are you SURE you don't need to go buy some chocolate chips?"

"Okay okay okay...Just...stay put." Pinkamena ran out of the bakery lickety-split, and dropped her scalpel. Austin just barely managed to catch it in between his fingers, and flips it upside down, then carefully, ever so carefully, slices through his bondings. He gives the rest of the straps a few quick slices, and stands up, putting the scalpel back on the table.

"So how can I mess around with a bakery? BY BAKING OF COURSE!!"

Austin ran upstairs and started pulling spices, staples and powders from the shelfs, throwing them into a big bowl in quick succession. He stared at the pile of powder in the bowl.

"Hmmm....Needs some red...."

He goes to the fridge and opens it, revealing a variety of pony body parts.

"Scratch that idea..." He slams the fridge closed, then looks around.

"Water!" He takes a large measuring cup and collects some water, then dumps it into the bowl, and continues the onslaught of baking supplies.

"Perfect!" Austin pours his crazy concoction into muffin trays, and throws it into the oven on HIGH. Now that his mixture is baking, he runs back downstairs to play with Pinkamena's torture implements.

"Ooooh! A hacksaw! I wonder if it can cut through steel?" Austin runs the serrated edge against the metal table he was strapped to. It hardly makes a scratch in the table, but severely breaks the teeth of the saw.

"Whoopsie." Austin grinned and tossed it over his shoulder, then looks at the large wood-chipper in the corner.

"It looks broken! I'll fix it!" He tears off the maintenence panel and starts pulling wires and gears, then removes one of the blades and puts it somewhere else. Finally, he tosses her supply of surgery tools into the machine and closes the panel.

"I wonder what else I can mess with..." He spots her collection of butcher's knives. Cleavers, blades, saws, and all sorts of razors. It was quite impressive. Too bad Austin tried chopping the steel table with them. Now dented and bent, Austin hangs the blade collection back up right where it was. There was only ONE more thing Austin needed to mess with. Pinkamena's infamous cutie-mark dress.

He walked over to her closet, and opened it up. Inside, she had multiple scraps and pelts from different ponies, but Austin only wanted the unicorn horn necklace and the dress. He took them both, and walked upstairs. He had something special in mind for these....

Pinkamena returned shortly after, and when she came downstairs, she was in a state of shock. Her entire basement slaughterhouse was now a mess, with pieces of her torture devices scattered and broken, her knife collection bent and dented, and her victim was now gone. She dropped the bag of chocolate chips she had in her mouth and twitched.

"WAIT! My cutie mark dress! Oh it had better be okay!!" She ran to the closet and saw it missing, then immediately ran upstairs in a frantic search for her prized possession. She saw it burning in the main area, with a note scrawled beside it in ashes:

'Bye Bye Pinkie! Sorry I left the party early, but the refreshments were gross. I wouldn't open the oven if I were you.'

Pinkamena extinguished the flaming dress and nearly cried when she saw it had burned almost entirely. She then heard something...like..Metal flexing and straining.

"What the bu-"

Her oven then exploded in a flurry of burnt cake batter, muffin trays, and very hot dough, spraying the entire bakery kitchen and the opposite wall in the main area.

Austin smiled, chewing on a vegetarian cupcake taken from Sugarcube Corner, staring at his havoc from afar. He finished his cupcake and tossed the wrapper, walking away with a satisfied smirk. The night rang out with a scream of despair and frustration from Pinkamena Diane Pie.

Author's Note

You want Human VS to continue? I need some ideas! I think we can work out an arrangement~

I need ideas for the next chapters of Human VS! Who will Austin be put up against next chapter? That's up to you! Help me out by commenting, sending me a message, or even spamming my inbox with as many ideas as you possibly can come up with!

Remember, this is NOT a porno! I want ideas that are funny (they can be gory too!) but UNDER 18! So stuff like "Sweet Apple Massacre" and "Lil' Miss Rarity" are out of the question.

Here's where you can find me!

YOUTUBE: DusktheHedgehog69
DEVIANTART: DubleTruble96
TUMBLR: asknightwisp.tumblr.com
FIMFICTION: DubleTruble96
FACEBOOK: Unavailable until further notice.

Magic Kindergarden

Human VS

Magic Kindergarden

=================================================================================================

Arena: Canterlot School For Gifted Unicorns, Kindergarden Classroom
Challenge: Pass Kindergarden Class without going insane.
Danger Level: Low

=================================================================================================

Match beginning in 3.....2.......1........

=================================================================================================

Austin spawns in a desk much too small for him, with a textbook about basic magic and a pencil. The fillies and colts that are all there giggle and point at the giant human who has just appeared in their classroom.

"What are YOU doing here? You look older than my mom!"

"Granted, I probably am. Ever watch the show 'Human VS'? It's the new hit television series that's been broadcasting all over Equestria. We're currently filming the episode right now." Austin smiled at the little filly who just insulted him.

"My mom won't let me watch it. She says it's a mommy and daddy show." The little unicorn pouted.

"Oh, well that's a shame. The point is, my current challenge is to pass Kindergarden class without letting little fillies and colts like you get to my head!" Austin just beamed at her, and the filly stared with a rather befuddled look in her eyes. Austin then knew it was probably the time to terminate the conversation.

The teacher walked in, knowing well about the filming session, so she didn't bother asking about the human who had just spawned in a desk in front of her.

"Welcome to Magic Kindergarden." She said, writing her name on the board. "My name is Ms. Shinestar."

Austin immediately raised his hand. "TEACHER...OOH! TEACHER TEACHER!!"

She sighed and rubbed her forehead gently with her hoof. "Yes Austin?"

"Can I get a bigger desk that's more human sized? I think I'm about to-"

The desk then shattered to pieces, sending Austin crashing all of a foot to the floor.

"-break it." Austin said, finishing his sentence with a broad grin.

Shinestar rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry, but we only have desks designed for fillies and colts under the age of 8, so you'll just have to make do."

"Now, we are here to learn how to use basic magic and levitatio-"

"TEACHER!! TEACHER!!" Austin raised his hand again.

"Ugh...Yes Austin?..."

"I'm an Earth-human. I can't do magic."

The foals all snickered and giggled to themselves. The teacher gritted her teeth.

"Aren't all humans 'Earth-humans'?"

"Yeah, well kind of. None of us can fly without a big machine, but I heard that we can do some forms of magic, but most of it is just illusions."

"Then that's not magic, it's just an illusion."

"Well, aren't a lot of magic spells only illusions?"

"Yes, but that's different because we have to focus the energy to our horn."

"So? They're just illusions, so it's not magic, case closed."

One colt suddenly squealed "Case open!" He grinned and all the foals laughed again.

The teacher looked ready to grind her teeth to powder.

"Okay then Austin. Show us your 'magic', then."

Austin smiled.

"With pleasure!" With that he stood up and...his head went straight through the ceiling. A few foals laughed, but the teacher looked worried.

"Oh my Celestia are you alright?!"

"Just dandy! By the way there's a bit up here..."

The foals all laughed again and the teacher sighed. Austin pulled his head out of the ceiling and shook the plaster out of his hair. "Got a deck of cards?"

The teacher gave him a deck of cards and Austin spread them out in his hands.

"Okay now pick one, any one!"

The teacher withdrew one card from the fan.

"Don't show me, but remember your card. Now put the card back in the deck." Austin cut the deck and the teacher put the card back.

"Now I will attempt to pick your card from the deck." Austin thumbed through the cards, passing card by card. The foals and teacher all watched in hushed anticipation. Austin then withdrew one card from the deck and showed it to the teacher.

"Was this your card?"

The card was the 10 of clubs.

"By Celestia it was!"

All the foals ooh'd and ahh'd as Austin just gave a small bow.

"Thank you, thank you..."

The teacher then regained her manner. "Ahem...Well...it's not real magic if you don't have to focus energy on something."

"Says who?"

"Says me! I'm the teacher!" She just sighed and muttered to herself. "Calm down, Shinestar, calm down...Can't lose your cool in front of the foals..."

Austin just smiled and passed a slip of paper to the colt who sat beside him. The little colt looked at it and giggled, then the teacher snapped at them, "AUSTIN!"

"Yes Ms. Sunshine?"

"It's Shinestar, and were you passing notes?"

"No I was passing gas." He then farted rather loudly and all the foals laughed again.

The teacher growled and snapped the chalk that was still in her telekinetic grip. Austin just grinned at her.

The day then passed without too much more delay, but things went downhill after lunchtime. The foals all came back and Austin crouched to get in the door, then sat on the remains of his desk.

"Welcome back, class." Shinestar said, finally calming down. "Today we will learn how to pick things up with our magic. Do you all remember your levitation spells?"

"Aw, sorry! I must've missed that lesson!" Austin sighed.

"But we just learned it today!"

"Yeah I wasn't paying attention. You started talking, but no words came out, it was just 'BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH'." The foals all laughed and the teacher rolled her eyes.

"Well it's not like you could cast it any way...You're only an....'earth human'."

"Well how do you know that I'm not a pegasus human?" Austin grinned and the foals all laughed again.

"Your lack of wings give it away...."

"Better than being a unicorn human. What would I do with a horn sticking out of my face?"

"And what's that supposed to mean?" The teacher was obviously rather insulted, but the foals wouldn't stop giggling.

"I mean a human with a horn on their face would look rather silly!" Austin grinned at her and the teacher sighed and rubbed her forehead.

"Now back to the lesson-"

"Teacher?"

"What is it Austin?!"

"Can I play ring-toss on your horn?"

"No. Now class, I would like you to bring out your-"

"Teacher?"

"Yes Austin?!"

"Would you be able to catch an apple on your horn if I threw it at you?"

"No! Class, bring out your toys and-"

"Teacher?"

"WHAT?!"

"Can I use the washroom?"

"Ugh...yes....yes you can, now just stop interrupting!"

Austin stood up (slowly and more carefully this time), and went to leave the classroom. But as soon as he was behind the teacher, he grabbed some toy rings and grinned at the class. The foals all giggled silently and Austin winked. He then started gently tossing rings at the teacher. She didn't notice at first. The rings bounced off her desk and one got stuck on her tail, but finally, with a gentle toss, the ring slowly arced as it flew through the air and slipped over the horn of Shinestar. The foals immediately cheered and burst into a flurry of giggles, while Shinestar just stared at the ring that was on her head, and she started to turn 4 shades of red. Austin giggled.

"That's MY cue to exit stage left!" Austin then slipped out the door and ran down the hall, while a very angry unicorn chased him weilding the dreaded 12-inch wooden ruler.

Austin was sitting in the principal's office of the school. The gruff-looking stallion sitting behind the desk stared at him and Austin stared back.

"So?" He finally said.

"So what?" Austin asked.

"How many rings did you toss before you landed one?" The stallion grinned and the two burst into laughter, pounding his desk. Austin just sighed and wiped a tear away from his eye.

"Ohhh, good times. Hey did you see the episode with RF Dashie?" The principal nodded and grinned.

"Clever work with the self-destruct switch!"

"Thank you! I really should've thought twice when I ran off and fell through the clouds though!"

Author's Note

You want Human VS to continue? I need some ideas! I think we can work out an arrangement~

I need ideas for the next chapters of Human VS! Who will Austin be put up against next chapter? That's up to you! Help me out by commenting, sending me a message, or even spamming my inbox with as many ideas as you possibly can come up with!

Remember, this is NOT a porno! I want ideas that are funny (they can be gory too!) but UNDER 18! So stuff like "Sweet Apple Massacre" and "Lil' Miss Rarity" are out of the question.

Here's where you can find me!

YOUTUBE: DusktheHedgehog69
DEVIANTART: DubleTruble96
TUMBLR: asknightwisp.tumblr.com
FIMFICTION: DubleTruble96
FACEBOOK: Unavailable until further notice.

Slender (Pony)

Human VS

Slender (Pony Version)

====================================================================================================

Arena: Everfree Forest
Challenge: Collect All 8 Pages And Escape
Danger Level: Severe

Match beginning in 3......2.......1.......

====================================================================================================

Austin spawns in a deep, dark, dense, and....um.....DARK forest. He looks around and hears the birds? chatter noisily. Only armed with a flashlight, his hiking boots.....and 12 pounds of dynamite! Which would be useful if Austin had remembered his pack of matches. Frustrated with his stupidity, he leaves the dynamite where it lay and left to find the 8 missing pages that for some reason are attached to trees, rocks and bathroom chairs.

He flicks on his flashlight and wanders off into the shadowy forests, unaware that a certain pony is watching his every step. Okay I lied. He is well aware of the Slenderpony, and is already prepared to mess with this strange creature's head. About 2 hours before the show started filming, he prepared some doodles on old looseleaf paper. He also brought a supply of tape. He immediately set to work.

He spotted the first of 8 pages right away. A poorly drawn doodle of a faceless pony wearing a suit, surrounded by trees. He took it down and heard drums, faintly beating in the background. He grinned and replaced the page with his own poorly drawn doodle, only it showed the faceless pony wearing a striped turtleneck sweater, wearing a fedora. He then set out to find the other pages. Meanwhile, the Slenderpony approached the tree and saw the rather offensive drawing and took it down with one of his strange tentacle-like extremities.

Austin continued his trek, this time stopping near a large rock, spotting yet another page. Scrawled across it, read "HAS NO EYES, HOW CAN HE SEE?". Austin took it, replaced it with his own doodle, and continued onward. The Slenderpony, still close behind, took a look at Austin's next doodle. Scrawled across the page in black crayon were the words "HAS NO POKER FACE, DON'T PLAY TEXAS HOLD EM WITH HIM!" and it depicted a faceless pony holding cards, obviously gambling or something. Slenderpony would've made a rather disgusted face if he had one, so he just tore it off and followed the human.

Austin continued, going through the concrete tube, on the stragely placed 'plus-sign' wall, and even on the truck. And with each page, he made his own, and each page made Slenderpony angrier and angrier. He decided that 5 pages was enough and that he would end this miserable fool's game. Austin turned the corner and was rather startled when he saw Slenderpony waiting for him. He immediately turned around to avoid losing. They both stood there in a rather awkward stand-off.

"So...uhh....Get my pictures?" Austin said, still not facing Slenderpony.

He got no form of response.

"Oh okay. I guess besides bein' faceless and ugly, you're rude too."

"I am NOT ugly!! And yes, human. I did get your....rather offensive drawings of me." Slenderpony finally responds.

"Oh come on, you gotta admit they were a LITTLE funny!"

"Oh? Well what if I did this?!"

Austin spots a crumpled piece of paper thrown over his shoulder. He bends down and picks it up, uncrumpling it. He sees a rather crudely drawn doodle of what he assumed to be himself, wearing dorky glasses and the words "Big stupid doo-doo head" with an arrow pointing at the doodle.

"Oh ha ha ha..Really mature..." Austin just tosses it aside and stands back up.

"Well it's bad enough I have to do this everytime someone sees one of my drawings, so I don't need some wise-ass human replacing all of them with his own crudely drawn garble!" The Slenderpony sounded kind of hurt.

"Hey hey hey....I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know..."

"No! You didn't!! Just...Just go find the other 3 pages and leave me alone!"

Austin sighs. "Listen, Slendy....um...if you don't mind me calling you Slendy...I'm sorry about that...I thought you were like the other ponies who tried to ruthlessly murder me the minute I let my guard down. Listen, how about we find the other 3 pages, and I'll take you out for ice cream, huh? Would you like that?"

"Uh...uh-huh...." Slenderpony managed to sniffle.

Austin smiled and together they located the other 3 pages, then went out to Sugarcube Corner for some ice cream. Needless to say, Pinkie nearly fainted when she saw Slenderpony, but after a brief explanation, she calmed down and even threw Slenderpony a 'Welcome To Ponyville' party.

Austin then looked toward the camera and grins, then static overtakes the screen and it shuts off.

You stare at your TV screen. It just shut off all by itself. You walk over and tap the top of it gently. That was weird...you play with the antennae for a while before you give up. Whatever happened, you lost the signal to your TV set. You sigh and walk into the kitchen and get a glass of water. That's when you notice the crudely drawn letters scratched onto old looseleaf.

You feel a chill run down your spine and the shadows of your dimly lit house start to ominously darken as you feel a presence lurking behind you.

The note reads, simply: DON'T LOOK OR HE TAKES YOU

Author's Note

You want Human VS to continue? I need some ideas! I think we can work out an arrangement~

I need ideas for the next chapters of Human VS! Who will Austin be put up against next chapter? That's up to you! Help me out by commenting, sending me a message, or even spamming my inbox with as many ideas as you possibly can come up with!

Remember, this is NOT a porno! I want ideas that are funny (they can be gory too!) but UNDER 18! So stuff like "Sweet Apple Massacre" and "Lil' Miss Rarity" are out of the question.

Here's where you can find me!

YOUTUBE: DusktheHedgehog69
DEVIANTART: DubleTruble96
TUMBLR: asknightwisp.tumblr.com
FIMFICTION: DubleTruble96
FACEBOOK: Unavailable until further notice.

Return Of Pinkamena

Human VS

Pinkamena's Bakery 2:Return of Pinkamena

====================================================================================================

Arena: Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville
Challenge: Escape the bakery alive and in one piece....Again.
Danger Level: Severe

Match beginning in 3...2...1...

====================================================================================================

Austin awoke in a strangely familiar setting. The smell of rotting blood and decayed flesh invaded his nostrils and slapped him in the face. He grunted in disgust and started to shimmy his hands free. Then Pinkamena walked in, clapping her hooves slowly.

"Well well well...Looked what the cat dragged in...You know, it took me an awfully long time to get all that hide for my cutie mark dress. Lucky for you, I kept my most prized cutie marks locked away from you...And about that unicorn horn necklace..." She walked over and placed a hacksaw at his neck and slowly and ever so gently dragged it across, hardly making a nick in him.

"It takes me 15 minutes to saw through the magical horn of a unicorn, you know...They're awfully strong bones...And they take a while to cut. I ran down 4 saws to acquire enough horns for that necklace. Only to find it a week later, smashed to pieces."

Austin for once in his life started to sweat with fear. She bound him tightly this time. He wasn't going to slip out as easily...

"You know, if you had done that to anypony else, they'd live the rest of their lives trying to exact revenge?~ Lucky for you, I'm a bigger pony than that...I mean, after all, you did blow up my oven, burn my precious dress and smash the necklace it took me 8 months to assemble, but in the end, they were just taking up space. Now I can devote my time doing it all over again! I had such fun doing it the first time..." She set down the saw and picked up a glove with long claws on it.

"So I thought, to myself...'Hey Pinkie, what if you found that human again and made him watch you torture innocent ponies in front of him, before skinning him alive and then tearing his heart out?' Doesn't that just sound great?!"

Austin mumbled something from his gag.

"I know! It's gonna be awesome!" She grinned and cut the gag from his face.

"You know that's not gonna happen." Austin said.

"Oh? And what will YOU do to stop it? I'm the one with the cards here, Austin...All of them. And know what? They're all aces."

"There are only 4 aces in a deck, you moronic pink lunatic."

"I'm not a moron!"

"My mistake, Ms. Pie...I meant to say 'idiot'! Thanks for the correction~"

Pinkamena backhoofed Austin across the face, and Austin shook his head a bit.

"Careful, you might ruin your hooficure." Austin smiled.

Pinkamena growled and left the room, then came back dragging a bound-up pony. The pony screamed and cried for help but Pinkamena just laughed.

"There's no one here to help you now!!" Pinkamena got into the pony's face. "No one...Not even Celestia can help you now!"

Austin suddenly gave Pinkamena the back of HIS hand. She flopped onto the blood-caked floor and held her cheek.

"What the- EEP!" Austin lifted her up and smiled.

"Now who's got the aces, Pinkie?"

Pinkamena swallowed and Austin threw her across the room. She hit the wall and groaned, then Austin picked her up again.

"You know, Pinkie, I've had it with you and your bakery....All the killing and the blood...It's rather disgusting." He threw her again, this time at the chair she had him in. He strapped her hooves to the legs and arms of the chair and knelt down in front of her, smiling.

Pinkamena squirmed and wiggled, trying to get free. Austin sighed. "How about I torture YOU? That sounds fun! Doesn't it?"

Pinkamena tried to bite at him. "OF course not!"

"I know!" Austin walked out and came back with a pair of tongs. Pinkemena immediately locked her jaw into place, expecting Austin was going to rip her teeth out. Instead, Austin walked over and pinched her nose. Hard. She immediately started to kick her legs and whine.

"OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!"

"Aww, is Pinkie gonna cwy? Huh? Is the big pink toughie gunnah cwy now?"

Pinkamena kept whining and Austin let go. Then he walked over with a toy baseball bat designed for toddlers.

Austin started to beat her head with it.

"Stop that!" *whap* "Cut it out!" *whap* "That's starting to hurt!" *whap* "Stooop!" *whap*

Pinkamena started to cry. Austin walked over with some salt and ice. He proceeded to pour salt on the ice, then hold it against her arm. Pinkamena squealed in pain and her tears soaked her cheeks. Austin then left and came back with a pillow. He hit her repeatedly.

"Stop hitting me!!" *whap* "I'll bite you!" *whap* "Seriously!" *whap*

Austin finally left and came back with her precious Rainbow Dash Cutie Marks. She immediately shook her head and mouthed the word "no" over and over. I held them in one hand and a lighter in the other. Pinkamena burst into tears and shook her head.

"Nononononono!!"

Austin then burned them and dropped it, letting it turn to ash. Pinkamena watched it, tears rolling down her cheeks. He just smiled.

"In honor of the brave and loyal Rainbow Dash. May she rest in peace."

Pinkamena wouldn't stop crying. Austin just walked over and slapped her cheeks gently.

"Hey, suck it up. You got ponies to kill, remember?"

Pinkamena kept crying like a filly after a nightmare. Austin walked over and cut the pony loose, and she thanked him and ran out of the bakery. Meanwhile, he walked back to Pinkamena and smiled at her warmly.

"So, uh Pinkie? Yeah I'm gonna go now...See, the episode is almost over and stuff, and I gotta get back to my trailer..." Austin checked his watch. "Yeah...Listen, the director will pay you for your time and I'll maybe see you in a later episode!"

Pinkamena was still crying.

"Fantastic!" Austin clapped his hands and walked upstairs.

"Oop, before I forget..." Austin walked over to Pinkamena's oven and threw a stick of lit dynamite into it and slammed the door. Austin smiled and walked out of the bakery, greeted a pony dragging a body bag, and walked into the Everfree Forest. A loud explosion was heard erupting from Sugarcube Corner.

They say that Pinkamena still weeps to this very day.

Author's Note

You want Human VS to continue? I need some ideas! I think we can work out an arrangement~

I need ideas for the next chapters of Human VS! Who will Austin be put up against next chapter? That's up to you! Help me out by commenting, sending me a message, or even spamming my inbox with as many ideas as you possibly can come up with!

Remember, this is NOT a porno! I want ideas that are funny (they can be gory too!) but UNDER 18! So stuff like "Sweet Apple Massacre" and "Lil' Miss Rarity" are out of the question.

Here's where you can find me!

YOUTUBE: DusktheHedgehog69
DEVIANTART: DubleTruble96
TUMBLR: asknightwisp.tumblr.com
FIMFICTION: DubleTruble96
FACEBOOK: Unavailable until further notice.

Insane Surprise

Human VS

Insane Surprise

====================================================================================================

Arena: Cloudsdale?
Challenge: Last through one of Surprise's infamous birthday parties and make it out. Alive.
Danger Level: Severe

Match beginning in 3...2...1...

====================================================================================================

Austin spawns tied to a chair and gagged, sitting in front of a table covered with a blood-stained tablecloth and a large cake which he can only assume is made of pony parts. He looks to his left. Sitting there is a bag of flour and a bucket of turnips...or radishes. He could never tell the difference. He looked to his right. On another stool was a pile of lint, and another held a stack of rocks wearing a party hat. Finally, he looked across from him.

Sitting there across the long table was a white mare, with a sunshine-yellow mane and tail which hung straight and limp. Her glassy eyes the colour of purple like the summer sunsets, and her wings neatly folded at her sides. She smiled at him with sharp teeth and a twitch.

"Thank you all for coming! It means so much to me that you all could make it..." She said. She then started to puppet the inanimate objects and make them 'talk'.

"It's no trouble Surprise! I'm glad we could come!" said the pile of rocks.

"Yes, this looks like a swell time!" the lint said.

"Can I have another glass of punch?" the flour bag asked politely.

"Sure thing, Madame LeFlour!" She placed a glass of punch in front of it. Austin just rolled his eyes.

"Who's the new guy?" The rocks asked in a gruff sounding voice.

"Oh him! That's Austin...He's a new friend who's going to be partying with us! I hope you don't mind!" Surprise grinned. Austin mumbled something through his gag.

"What'd he say?" the rocks asked.

"Oh! He just said that he would be loyal to me and not run away like everyone else did when Pinkie Pie came along and ignoring ME and not coming to my parties anymore! I mean, after all, I WAS the number one party mare until SHE HAD TO BUTT IN AND RUIN MY LIFE!!!" Surprise panted heavily and Austin gave her a look of confusion.

"Yourrr erkayr Surprerse?" He managed to mumble somewhat coherently.

"Yes yes I'm fine! You won't leave me! As long as you're here it's nothing but smiles!" She grinned at him, bearing her sharp teeth again.

Austin wasn't necessarily worried about himself more than he was Surprise. She looked ready to snap....again. Austin looked around. The place he was in looked similar to Sugarcube Corner, but wasn't...He could tell to the amount of clouds that made up the place.

"Do you want some punch? It's made fresh!" She slid him a glass of red punch. He just stared at it, then looked at her and shook his head. The blood-red colour didn't look very appetizing...

"Oh...okay then...um...How about some cake?"

He shook his head again.

Surprise looked crestfallen.

"okay...um...Well, lemme introduce you to everyone! This is Rocky, Madame LeFlour, Sir Lints-alot and Mr. Turnip!" Austin looked around, silent.

"Oh silly me! Here, let me get that..." She walked over and undid the gag.

"Something tells me you got these...ummm 'guests'...from Sugarcube Corner..."

Surprise twitched. "WHAT?! No! Of course not! I just um...I...uh..."

"You what?" Austin smirked.

"Okay so I did, but they left Pinkie! So they would've loved it here because they hate her just as much as I do!" She grinned at him.

Austin sighed and rolled his eyes again.

"Listen...Surprise, I know you hate the fact that Pinkie is more popular-"

"More dispicable."

"-then you and you feel that she took-

"Stole."

"-all your party guests...But you can't-"

"Can."

"WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT?!" Austin sighed. "Look, I'd love to party with you, but the NORMAL way...All you gotta do is untie me."

"But you look so comfy that way! Besides, you haven't finished your cake!"

"I can't do that with no hands..."

"I can feed you!"

"No thanks."

Surprise just sighed and walked over, then undid his hands.

"Just don't be running away the moment I do this."

"I promise I won't."

"Do you Surprise Swear?"

"What's that?"

"I swear on my life I'll never stray from the promise I've made today."

"um...okay, sure."

"No! You have to say the line!"

"Ugh....I swear on my life I'll never stray from the promise I've made today."

"Good."

Austin stood up and rubbed his wrists.

"Thanks...but you know I had my fingers crossed, right?"

Surprise's eyes shrunk and she blinked.

"Sorry, but I don't make oaths to murderers." Austin ran toward the door and kicked it open, then turned around.

"And for the record, Pinkie Pie is not that bad! You should actually talk to her sometime!" Austin waved and leapt from the doorway and plummeted down to the ground.

Surprise stood there and twitched, then heard something. A knock on her back door.

"Hey Surprise, sorry I couldn't stop and chat. I had something to do and it needed to be done fast. You know how it goes..." Firefly said as she walked in.

Surprise growled under her breath.

"I know how it goes alright..."

Author's Note

You want Human VS to continue? I need some ideas! I think we can work out an arrangement~

I need ideas for the next chapters of Human VS! Who will Austin be put up against next chapter? That's up to you! Help me out by commenting, sending me a message, or even spamming my inbox with as many ideas as you possibly can come up with!

Remember, this is NOT a porno! I want ideas that are funny (they can be gory too!) but UNDER 18! So stuff like "Sweet Apple Massacre" and "Lil' Miss Rarity" are out of the question.

Here's where you can find me!

YOUTUBE: DusktheHedgehog69
DEVIANTART: DubleTruble96
TUMBLR: asknightwisp.tumblr.com
FIMFICTION: DubleTruble96
FACEBOOK: Unavailable until further notice.

Five Nights at Pinkie's (Night 1)

Human VS

Five Nights at Pinkie's

Arena: Pinkie Pie's Pizzeria
Challenge: Guard the pizzeria for 5 nights, from 12 AM to 6 AM and make sure nobody gets in...or out.
Danger Level: Severe

Match Beginning in 3......2........1.......

Austin spawns into a cramped security office with a small annoying little desk fan that's constantly running, a flickering light above his head, and a laptop monitor attached to the rest of the pizzeria. The light on the phone is flashing. He presses the button to play the recorded message.

"*KSSSHHHH* Hey Austin! Your producers have informed me that yous is takin' the job down at the pizzeria. Well, all I can tell yous is good luck. Seriously, you're gonna need it. Alright, here's what yous needs to know. The laptop in front of yous connects to every camera in the restaurant. And there's a camera workin' in every room of the restaurant. It ain't rocket science here. Open the laptop, check the cameras, and make sure no one gets in or out. Now, you only has a limited power supply, so be sure to make the most of it. A small portion is used to light your office and work the stupid fan, so you'll always be losin' a little power. Next, you'll notice two industrial strength titanium doors to the left and right o' ya. They ain't for show. If something starts comin' down da hallway, close 'em up! But they're magnetic, and use up more power. So only keep 'em closed as long as yous needs ta. Finally, make sure to check the lights. It's dark as piss down there, and if ya don't flick the lights on every now and then, you ain't gonna see if something is tryin' ta sneak in. One more thing, keep an eye on the curtains in Pirate's Cove. Awright that's about it. Good luck man....You're gonna need it. *KKSSHHPT*"

Night 1

Austin kicked back and put his feet up, with the laptop resting on his legs. He chewed heartily on his wad of strawberry bubblegum and grinned, then opened the laptop. He saw a small map of the restaurant in the bottom right corner, power usage at the bottom left, and the hours until 6 at the top right. He clicked the camera for Pirate's Cove and saw....a curtain. Well, that and a small sign saying "Sorry! Out of Order". He rolled his eyes and checked the show stage.

On it was 3 pony animatronics. Pinkie Pie, wearing a bowtie and a small black bowler hat. Rarity with a small bowtie. And Applejack with a bib on that said "Let's Eat!". Despite the creepy factor of their robotic limbs and bodies, it was honestly kind of silly. They seemed to be shut down at the moment. He snickered at how silly they all looked, but that's when the camera cut to black. He clicked it again and again, and soon the camera flicked back on, but Rarity was missing. He stared blankly at the laptop screen for a minute before clicking to the dining area. Rarity was standing away from the camera, but seemed to be staring right at it. It would've been unnerving...

If she hadn't looked so darn cute wearing that bowtie! Like oh my god! She's so freaking silly!

Austin did his best to hold in his laughter, then clicked the camera for Pirate's Cove again. Still just a curtain. He checked the show stage and noticed Pinkie and Applejack were now missing as well.

"Well crap." He said with distain. "I'm not very good at this night-guard stuff."

He clicked to the dining hall. Applejack was now there, staring at the camera with her jaws hanging open. He clicked to backstage and jumped a bit when he saw Rarity's black eyes and white pupils staring directly at the camera lens. He grunted a bit, then clicked to the dining hall again. Applejack was gone now. He clicked the bathroom camera and saw Pinkie and Applejack standing there. He smiled, then clicked the Pirate's Cove again. Something was peeking out from the curtains, but it was hard to see who it was. He clicked back to the bathroom and oh my god they're gone. Actually not all that surprising really.

He closed the laptop and put it on the desk, stood up, then peeked out the left hallway and into the corner. No one. He peeked down the right corner. Empty.

*Clank....hiss*

He turned around and saw Applejack standing in the corner, her head twitching and staring at the camera. He stared blankly, raising his arms in confusion. He waved a hand in front of her face to get her attention. Nothing.

"HELLLooooOOOO? I'm right HERE!!" He jumped up and down in front of her. "LOOK IN FRONT OF YOU! DO you SERIOUSLY only look at the cameras?! For god sake I could be eating in the dining hall with all 3 of you there and you'd be clueless!"

Applejack just kept twitching and staring at the camera. He groaned in exasperation and went back into the office. He waited a few seconds, flicked on the right light, and looked at the window. Applejack was now staring into the window, being creepy. He raised his middle finger and pressed the door button with it, turning the light off while he was at it.

He opened the laptop again. Pirate's Cove now seemed to be fully open, and the sign appeared to have been changed. "It's ME" was now written on it. He rolled his eyes, then leaned out the left hallway. Rainbow Dash was galloping towards his office. He leaned back in and slammed the door in her face. He turned the right light back on and saw Applejack had left. He opened the door and shook his head with a sigh.

Suddenly, his laptop made a loud ringing noise as the clock in the corner turned from 5 AM to 6 AM.

*DING DONG DING DONG......DING DONG DING DONNNG!*

He heard the intercom pipe children's applause through the restaurant. He blinked, then peeked out his door and saw nothing. He walked out into the dining hall.

Pinkie and her friends were back on the stage, and Pirate's Cove was closed again. He crumpled up a ball of paper and threw it at Pinkie, knocking off her hat. She didn't move. He smiled and then pulled out a permanent marker and drew all over their faces, then left the restaurant to prepare for Night 2.

Author's Note

Just in time for Halloween! Sorry about the huge gap of non-writing. A lot of stuff has come up and I haven't had time to write much on FIM Fiction. I'll try to update my stories as soon as I can! Until then, enjoy this FNaF parody!

Five Nights at Pinkie's (Nights 2 & 3)

Human VS

Five Nights at Pinkie's

Match Progression:

Night 1 - Complete!
Night 2 - Pending...
Night 3 - Locked
Night 4 - Locked
Night 5 - Locked

Match 2 begins in 3.....2......1......

Austin spawns once more in the cramped office. He tests the lights and doors, then flips open the laptop screen. He hears his phone ring...

"Hey man....*cough* If yous be hearin' dis, then that means you survived to Night 2 and probably figured out that them animatonics....animalsponics.....da robots!...move around at night. I dunno how it works...Somethin' about dem bein' on free roam mode at night or somethin'. Now, I'll be honest, Pinkie doesn't leave the stage often. But when she does, you just get this chill. She likes to sneak in behind you when yous is lookin' at the cameras. Basically, make sure she stays put on the stage and yous will be okay. You may also have noticed that da robots don't strike immediately, and wait until your back is turned. Dat helps a lot, because then yous can close da doors right in their stupid face! *wheezing laughter* Okay...One more t'ing. It seems dat the cameras stop working for a few seconds when they be movin' around. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but they seem to be able to cut off the power to your doors and lights. So make sure to close em up fast before they can cut the powah. Awright, good luck."

Night 2

He leans back in his chair, staring blankly at the dusty posters and old cobwebs. It's not very interesting around here. Austin flips the laptop on and looks at the show stage.

"Alright, they're still on stage....Still early though, so shouldn't get too comfortable..." He smirks as he checks Pirate's Cove. "Alright, curtains are still closed..." He clicks back to the stage.

"And now Applejack is gone of COURSE SHE'D BE GONE. I literally clicked away for like 2 seconds!!"

He flicked the light on and saw Applejack's cold green lifeless eyes staring into the window before he slammed the door button. He turned the light off, but quickly flicked it back on and stared at her again, then started to smirk....then snicker...then laugh uncontrollably.

She still had the crude marker drawn mustache on her face from last night, as well as a pair of huge bushy marker eyebrows. She looked like every stereotypical eye-patch donning, top hat wearing, cape hiding evil villain ever.

"NYEH! THE RENT IS DUE!" He mimicked, laughing uncontrollably. Soon, Applejack got bored and left. He checked the show stage again, she was back up on the stage next to Pinkie, but now Rarity was gone. He checked the dining hall. Yep there she is....With her crudly drawn black eye and "Austin was here" written on her left cheek. He started to snicker again, but that's when the cameras went black before flickering back on. Rarity was gone. He clicked to the left hall. All he could make out was her silhouette against a flickering light. He rolled his eyes and checked Pirate's Cove. Rainbow was peeking out.

"That's a little soon...it's only 1 AM..." Austin said with a grunt. He closed the laptop to reserve power. Maybe tomorrow he'll just bring a portable generator that runs on corn syrup or something.

4 AM soon rolled around. Austin had a few narrow escapes from Applejack and Rarity, but Pinkie never left the stage. Rainbow was still only peeking out. He actually ended up falling asleep. Applejack was at his door when suddenly..

"*BBRRRAAAAAAACCCCCKKKK......SNNNNNORRRRE....cough*"

She blinked, then reached into the office and turned on the light. She couldn't believe it! Austin had fell asleep on the job!! Her animatronic eyes blinked, then she walked right into the office.

"H-H-HEyyyyYY Rar-rity! *clank* Che- CHEck this out!"

Rarity shook her head in disgust. Applejack wasn't supposed to talk off stage!! She sighed and left the stage, not bothering to even stop at the cameras to be creepy. Soon she arrived in the left hall, looking at Applejack.

"W-WHAAttt is *whirr* itttt App-app-lejack?"

Applejack stifled a giggle and pointed to their sleepy security guard.

"Hehehe's asleep?!" Rarity shouted.
"Y-Yeah! FunnnYY rIGHt?"
"Wasn't he th-the one WHO DRew On OuR Faa-ces?!"
"Yep!"

Rarity's horn glowed and it levitated up a permanent marker. Applejack grinned.

5 AM, Austin yawned and woke up, rubbing his face a bit. He looked around. Not a single thing out of place. He opened the laptop. Rarity, Pinkie and Applejack were back on the stage. He checked Pirate's Cove. Rainbow had withdrawn back behind the curtains. He chuckled.

"What a load of bull....This place isn't THAT bad..." Suddenly the phone rang, and he jumped. He grunted and regained his composure, then clicked it on speakerphone.

"Speak to me."
"Austin? It's your producer."
"What's up, chief?"
"*snicker* Do you have a mirror handy?"
"No....Why would I need a mirror?"
"You may wanna check yourself before exiting the restaurant today! HaHAHAHA!!!" *click*

He got a dial tone. He blinked, then hung up. His producers are weird sometimes....

Suddenly...DING DONG DING DONNNG....DING DONG DING DONNNG!! *children's applause* He looked at the clock. 6 AM right on the dot. He smiled and got up from his desk, then walked out of the office, and down to the bathroom.

"Now what exactly were they talking abou- OH MY GOODNESS!"

His face was drawn with all sorts of stupid symbols and such, with the word "Lazy" scribbled backward on his forehead. He ran out to the show stage and glared at Rarity, the only one of them who could even wield a marker. She was in the same pose she normally was, standing stoic like a statue on stage. He grunted, then turned and left the building. The 4 animatronics then burst into laughter.

Match Progression:

Night 1 - Complete!
Night 2 - Complete!
Night 3 - Pending...
Night 4 - Locked
Night 5 - Locked

Match 3 beginning in 3.....2......1........

"Hey Austin....Me again. Alright, I'm startin' ta think dat I'm bein' watched, so I'll keep this short and sweet. I wanted to warn you dat da robots get more and more aggressive as the week progresses. Also, dere's this weird 5th robot....Looks kinda like Pinkie, only she has a white coat and golden mane and tail. Dunno. Anyway, good luck...*door being kicked in* Oh crap."

Austin had decided to buy a midnight snack for his shift that night. Equestria doesn't have a lot of good food for humans, but hell, he's eaten worse. A whopping 16" hay-con and cheese pizza. A little grassy, but not too bad. Lots of fibre. He opened the box wide and the scent floated down the hallways and towards the stage. His laptop wasn't open, so he didn't notice Applejack's nose twitching at the scent.

"YooU smELL thAt?" She said to Rarity.
"Y-YeeaAAh. SmEEllls LiKE hAy-con PiZZa. But I CAn'T haVe AnyY. I'm TrYIng TO WatcH my FiGuure!"
"YoU're a RObot, RarE. Ya'LL d-dOn't haVe a FiggUURE."
"HeY...WhERe's PiNKie?!"
"OH gREat. ShE MustT'vE smELLed the pIZzA-a. WE-We-we'D better-r-r go LoOk foRR heR."

Austin flipped open the laptop and saw that all three of them were gone. He stared for a minute, then checked the west corner. Pinkie was staring directly at the camera. Oh crap oh crap oh crap. She isn't supposed to be out yet!! The night only just started! He quickly slammed the right door button so that she couldn't sneak in. He flicked the light on and saw Rarity staring directly into the left door, so he closed that one too. Minutes seemed like hours before they all left. However, he was now down to 75% power at 1 AM. He really should've brought the generator. He took a big bite of pizza and chewed as he opened the laptop again.

4 AM rolled around, and his power was down to 20%. He was getting worried...This may not be the first time he's died (how else do you think he 'spawns' places?), but it's going to be the first time he may actually LOSE a Human VS!! No! He couldn't disappoint his fans! 5 AM, with 14% power. He wasn't gonna make it without a hell of a lot of luck. It seemed like this hour lasted forever...

Soon, the power drained to 0% and suddenly...

*BRUUUUUuuuuuuu*

...everything went dark. He could barely see in his little room, and the hallways were pitch black on both sides. He heard it. A creepy music-box version of the Parasprite Polka. He turned his head to the left door and saw a pair of huge baby blue eyes and some teeth flickering in the darkness, staring right at him. He stared back, swallowing hard. Could THIS be the first loss in all of Human VS?! Soon, the song finished and everything went pitch black. He prepared for the worst and...

DING DONG DING DOOONNNG....DING DONG DING DONNNG! *children's applause*

He screamed and punched the air in excitement. "YYYEEEEEESSSSS!! I DIIID IIIITTT!" He ran out onto the show stage and got right into Pinkie's face, pointing a finger forcefully at her.

"YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD BEAT ME AT MY OWN GAME?! WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG! YOU CAN SUCK IT PINKIE!!" He fist pumped and cheered. "YEEEEESSSS!! YOU ALL SUCK! "
Suddenly he heard Rainbow Dash from Pirate's Cove.

"WoOuLD YOu JuST lEEAve? We GEt iT, yoU wOn."

Austin quickly regained his composure. "Ahem...Right...Sorry about that."

Applejack rolled her animatronic eyes. "It'S FiNE sUGarcUBE. NoW Go! WE NeeD to to tO prePAre Forr NighT 4."

"Right....Onward." He turned and left the restaurant, unaware of the pink animatronic staring daggers at the back of his head.

Five Nights at Pinkie's (Nights 4 & 5)

Human VS

Five Nights at Pinkie's

Match Progression:
Night 1 - Complete!
Night 2 - Complete!
Night 3 - Complete!
Night 4 - Pending...
Night 5 - Locked

Match 4 beginning in 3.....2.....1.....

A whispered, panicked call comes in...

"Austin....I-It's me. I don't know how long I gots, but I needs to tells ya to watch out for- AHHHHHHHHGHHGH!! *WarBLE CLANK*"

Austin spawns back in for his fourth night. Things, despite supposedly getting more difficult, have been going quite easily as the week progressed. He shook his head and opened the laptop immediately, not having a repeat of last time. Unfortunately, last night, he ran out of power. He looked around for a generator powered on strictly corn syrup, but he found out that there was no such thing. He grunted at the thought. NOW what was he going to do with all that corn syrup?! He bought like...3 five gallon bottles of the stuff! He shook his head again and clicked to the show stage to see they were still there. He clicked to Pirate's Cove and saw that Rainbow had yet to peek out. He clicked to the east hall corner, then the west. He didn't notice however the poster on the wall had changed to that of a yellow and white pony....

He close the laptop and looked up. An eyeless, inactive Surprise animatronic sat there, it's lifeless jaws hanging open ominously. He stared at her for a few minutes. Nothing. He had heard that you insta-lose if you stare at her too long. So he stared...And he stared....and he stared. Then he hit her upside the head with a slice of cold pizza. The red sauce smeared across her white fur, staining it an orangey colour. He snickered, then put a pair of googly eyes into her sockets and drew a mustache on her, and flipped up the laptop, then closed it again. She was gone. He opened the laptop again and saw all 3 animatronics were missing, and Pirate's Cove was wide open. 2 AM. Wow, that's early...He waited until Dashie was right outside the door, then slammed his hand against the door button, causing her to run into it. He laughed out loud, blissfully unaware of the pink animatronic that had snuck into the room. He kept laughing, even when she started to loom behind him. Suddenly, he put both his hands between his legs and bit his lip.

"I gotta pee."

He suddenly sped out the right door, running right over Applejack who was looming outside his window. Pinkie froze and looked at the empty chair, then looked outside. Applejack was laying on the floor, her robot eyes spinning dizzily. She had a size 13 shoeprint on her back. Growling audibly, Pinkie crossed her forelegs and sat back down in the darkness behind the security office chair.

Minutes soon turned to an hour, and Austin was still nowhere to be seen. How long does it take for him to use the flipping BATHROOM?! Pinkie was starting to get impatient. It went against everything she was programmed to do, but she got up, left the security office, and started toward the bathroom to kill him personally while he was using the can. Suddenly, everything was a blur as something zipped out of the bathroom, ran over Pinkie, and slammed the security office's right door shut. Pinkie hardly had time to react before she was trampled.

Pinkie jumped to her hooves and growled again, screaming some sort of mechanical gibberish. Rarity was on stage when this happened, and Applejack was just returning to the dining hall when they both heard her.

"Uh OhH. NoWW He'sS goNE And DOnE iT!" Rarity said with a small frown.
"WhAT DO yoU ThInk SHE'll dO to HIm?"
"I'm NoT SO suuurRe i WanT to KNow!"

Austin sat back, reading a book. He decided not to waste more power than he needed to, by checking only Pirate's Cove every now and then. He opened the laptop, checking the time. 4...no..5 AM. He smiled, then checked the left hall light. Rarity was there, staring into the door. He quickly slammed it shut, kicking back in his chair.

"Easy peasy, lemon-"

*BRRRUUUUUUuuuuuuu* Everything went black.

".....-squeezy?" He said with a squeak. He forgot to check the power. HE FORGOT TO CHECK THE POWER!! He checked his digital watch. 5:50 AM. He sighed in relief. There may yet be a ch-

Pinkie's eyes and teeth lit up the right doorway. Her song was NOT 10 minutes long! In fact, her song was hardly 50 seconds! He stared at her ominous flickering face in the dark hallway. She didn't even get to the next set of notes before she cut it off.

"That's a little early!" He said, panicked. He heard a clanking and whirring from behind as Applejack came in. Rarity soon joined her and her could smell a heavy scent of cotton candy. A heavy breathing noise was coming from just in front of him. He could only see 3 pairs of white dots as the animatronics started for their pre-

*DING DONG DING DONNNG....DING DONG DING DOOONNNGG!* *children's applause*

The lights suddenly came back on, and Austin and the 3 animatronics froze, then looked at each other. Everything was awkward for a good 30 seconds. No one knew who won that match....Pinkie looked at Rarity and Applejack, then to Austin.

"I ThInnK We WOn thAt RoUNd."
"What?! No way! You heard the bell! The rules are you have to stuff me into one of your weird suits or something."
"BuT We GoT YoU!!" Applejack protested. "We WERe IN tHE RoOm!"

They all started to bicker for a while before the phone rang, shutting everyone up. They looked at each other, then Austin pushed the button for speakerphone.

"Hello?" Austin said.
"Austin? It's your producer."
"Oh. Hey man. Can you help us settle a little debate here?"
"That's why I called. Ah-em. According to the rules of Human VS, the Human will lose "Five Nights at Pinkie's" if one or more of the following events take place, and I quote!: 1. Human does not make it to 6 AM on any given night. 2. Human is killed/dismembered by one or more of the animatronics. 3. Surprise crashes the game. 4. Human forfeits the game to the animatronics or is absent from the match on any given night. Now, Austin, technically you didn't make it to 6 AM before the animatronics got into the room."
"HaH! In YoUR fAcE!" Pinkie shouted.
"But..."
Pinkie stopped and looked at the phone again.
"You DID however make it to 6 AM without being killed or giving up. The rules state that the Human doesn't make it to 6 AM. That means that the Human must be unable or unwilling to continue the match, Pinkie...That means...." he paused. "Austin, you win this match. Now, get outta there and prepare for the final night." *CLICK*

Everyone was silent for a few minutes, then Austin stood up. He suddenly pulled out a radio and slammed it on the table, turning it on, blasting techno music throughout the office. He started to dance triumphantly.

"IN YO' FACE! IN YO' FACE! IN YO' FACE!" He suddenly changed tracks and 'We Are the Champions' started to play. He started to lipsync the words proudly.

Pinkie and the others stared at one another, then at Austin with distain. Pinkie suddenly turned of the radio.

"GeT OuT of MY ReSTauRANt." Pinkie said.

"Right." He picked up his things and made his way to the door, singing 'We Are the Champions' on the way out. Pinkie sighed, facehoofing.

Match Progression:

Night 1 - Complete!
Night 2 - Complete!
Night 3 - Complete!
Night 4 - Complete!
Night 5 - Pending...

FINAL ROUND

Final Match beginning in 3.....2.....1.....

Austin sat down in his cramped office. He sat back in his chair, smiling. A walk in the park.

12 AM soon turned to 2 AM, and nothing happened. Literally. Soon, Rarity and Applejack left the stage. Rainbow Dash was getting ready to sprint out of Pirate's Cove, and Austin only had 60% power left. Things were starting to get hairy. He clicked on the light in the right door. Applejack was staring right into the window. He slammed the door. Rainbow made a mad dash for his room. He slammed the left door. Rarity soon appeared at his right door as well. Austin bit his lip. They've been hanging around the door for too long. He's wasting too much power.. Finally, they left..sorta. They both hid in the corners of the hallway. He opened the doors and sighed, then looked at Pirate's Cove. Rainbow was already peeking out again.

He shivered a bit, then turned on the left light. Rarity was there again, so he slammed the door.

"Go away!! You're killing my power!!" He frowned.

4 soon rolled into 5, and Austin was down to 10% power. Rainbow Dash was getting ready to do her 4th run of the night, Applejack hasn't moved from the bathroom in over 20 minutes, and Rarity was hiding in the supply closet. He was getting really anxious. He grabbed his lunch, opening it up. A banana, an apple crisp, and a sandwich heavy with chunky peanut butter. He took the banana, eating it hastily. Dying makes him really hungry when he respawns. He found that if he ate food before dying, the respawn hunger wouldn't be as bad. He was holding the banana peel, then looked at it. It gave him an idea... Carefully, while he had a free moment, he tossed the banana peel down the left hallway.

He checked Pirate's Cove, then saw the curtains wide open. He waited, and waited and waited until...

*SPLAT Kshhhhhhh CLANGGG* He looked out his left door and saw Rainbow Dash's leg flop down and her head roll away. He snickered, then pulled out the apple crisp. He checked the bathroom before biting into it. Applejack was gone. He turned on the right light, then saw Applejack in the window. But she wasn't staring at him. She was staring at his apple crisp. He moved it to the right. Her eyes followed. He moved it left. Her eyes followed again. He tossed it out the right hallway and she chased after it. He smiled and ate his sandwich instead. Rarity was wondering what all the commotion in the left hallway was about, so she ran down to check, only for her to meet the same fate as Rainbow.

*SPLAT Ksshhhhhhh CLANNNGGG* Rarity's torso and forlegs flew by the left door way. He smiled. 3 down, 1 to go.

*BRUUUUUUuuuuuu* Power died.

Pinkie's baby blues began to flicker and her song just started to play when-

DING DONG DING DONNNG.....DING DONG DING DONNNGGGGG!!!

The lights turned on and Austin leapt up.

"YEEEEEESSSSSS! I WOONNNNN!! YEAH HA HA!!" Pinkie saw Rainbow and Rarity broken apart at the end of the left hall, and Applejack munching on a pastry, then face hoofed again.

"REaLLy?!" She said, shaking her head, then started to pick up the dismantled bodies of Rarity and Rainbow. Austin ran right up to her and boasted.

"IN YOUR FACE PINK-"

The phone rang. They stopped and he turned it onto speaker phone.

"Hello?"
"Hey it's your producer again. The fans loved it Austin! They want to see more of you VS Pinkie's Pizzeria! So I signed you up to do the full week. See ya tomorrow, champ!" *CLICK*

Austin froze, hearing Pinkie over his shoulder. She grinned mischievously and pat him on the shoulder.

"See you on Night 6, Austin...." she whispered in one of the clearest voices she's ever done. He gulped.

Author's Note

Yes, Austin WILL be completing Night 6 and Custom Night! (Maybe he'll even try to do a 20/20/20/20 run....) See you then!

Five Nights at Pinkie's (Night 6)

Human VS

Five Nights at Pinkie's

Match Progression:

Night 1 - Complete!
Night 2 - Complete!
Night 3 - Complete!
Night 4 - Complete!
Night 5 - Complete!
Night 6 - Pending...
????? - Locked

BONUS STAGE!!

Bonus Stage beginning in 3.....2.....1......

Austin spawns into his tiny room with a knapsack. He pulls it off his back and opens it up. Inside is, you guessed it, a corn syrup powered portable generator. He should have more than enough corn syrup for- Where'd all his corn syrup go?....He turned, then looked under the desk only to find cobwebs and a friendly spider. He turned again, this time looking all the way around. That's when the phone rang, causing him to jump. He picked up the receiver.

*click*
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me. Your producer. Listen, the fans would hate it if you didn't have a chance for real fear. So no generators. Or you're fired. Alright, have fun!"
*click*

He held the receiver to his ear for another 5 minutes before slamming it down as hard as he could onto the base. He stepped out the right door and reared his foot back to drop kick the generator down the hallway, but stopped when he heard a clanking and whirring behind him. He turned around. Applejack was staring directly at him, glaring, her jaws open wide and menacing. She raised her forelegs to grab him, and lunged. He ducked under her lunge, then stood up again, then grinned and waved at her before turning tail and running toward the door. Rainbow suddenly slid to a halt in front of the door, then pounced. He barely managed to sidestep her before sprinting toward the left hallway. Rarity was standing in the way, her sharp metal teeth glinting in the flickering light. He stared for a split second before turning around and sprinted towards Pirate's Cove and hid behind the curtains, turning the sign around to say "Sorry! Out of Order".

Pinkie and the girls slowly approached the little stage before they yanked the curtains open and lunged at the shadow hiding in there. They grabbed the shadow and pulled it out.

"WhAt THe?!" Pinkie said. "A SwEAteR? BuT WHerE'd He-"

Suddenly, they heard both doors in the security office slam shut. Pinkie stamped her hooves in frustration, then pointed towards the security office.

"GET HIM!"

That's when something piped over the intercom.

*KSSHH* "Hey girls, Austin's producer here. The rules state that if you enter the security office while Austin is not distracted by the cameras, the power is not out, or Pinkie is not sneaking in, you will all be disqualified for the night. Sorry, them's the rules. Happy hunting!" *KSSH*

Pinkie ran her hoof across her neck, then pointed toward backstage. Rarity nodded and went backstage. All Austin could hear from the backstage was Rarity's animated screech and his producer screaming, then silence. Rarity spoke over the intercom next.

*KSSHHH* "He'S AS GoOD aS DEad GiRls." *kssh*

Pinkie shouted through the halls.

"YOU HEAR THAT, AUSTIN? YOUR PRODUCER IS DEAD. YOUR RULES ARE MEANINGLESS."

Austin swallowed hard.

"It's time for a set of NEW rules. Rule one: No doors."

Rarity hit the switch in the backstage, removing the power from the doors.

"Rule two: No lights."

The lights died. He looked around in the pitch blackness.

"Rule three: No cameras."

The cameras shut down. Austin bit his lip as he heard the animatronics shuffling around.

"Rule 4: You're here until you're in a suit, or 6 AM...Because we're nice like that. Good luck, human." She hissed. "You're going to need it."

Austin left the security office, knowing that it was pointless to stay. He'd be a sitting duck. He shuddered a little, then started down the right hallway. He could only hear the animatronics shuffling, and see the white flickering of Pinkie's face, as well as the white pupils of the other animatronics. He made his way in the inky blackness toward the dining hall, hiding under the table. He heard Rainbow shuffle by. He swallowed a bit.

He could just hide here for a few hours until daylight, but what would be the fun in that? Wait....fun....He grinned, then snuck, rolled, and dodged his way backstage. This was the only room with light at the time. Why? Well, Rarity needed a way of seeing which switch is which. He looked at all the eyeless heads, lifeless limbs and old body parts of the animatronics roaming outside. He smiled, then removed the endoskeleton from an old Rarity suit. He slipped his feet and torso into the tight metal body and hind legs of the suit, then pulled the forelegs, followed by the head. It was a tight fit, but it worked. He dropped down to all fours and stepped out, then went right over to Rainbow.

"Hey- er...ahum. HeY RAiNBow." He said in his best female robot voice.

Rainbow glanced at him, then glared a bit.

"RaRITy?"
"Er...YeAh. WAiT. DiD YoU HEar ThAt?"
"HeAR WhAt?"
"I THInK I HeaRD thE HuMAn iN thE CoVE AgAin!"
"WHAT?!"
"YeAh. YoU MiGHt WaAnnA Ch-CH-CHeCK it OuTOuTOuuutT."

Rainbow ran off to check her cove, and as soon as she had her back turned, he stood upright and gave her a swift kick in the rear end, causing her to tumble forwards with a loud crash. He quickly sprinted backstage to switch costumes. Meanwhile, Rarity ran over to inspect the noise.

"Oh MY GoSH DArLinG! ARe YoU OkAY?"

Rainbow reemerged, obviously preturbed at her.

"WHAt ThE HaY WAs thAt ABou-bou-bout?!"
"WhAT evErrr Do yoU MEAn DArlING?"
"I ME-aaan WHy DidD YoU KiCK me?!"
"KiCk YoU?! I WoUlDD NEvEr-"

That's when Austin came over in a Pinkie suit and changed his voice a bit.

"HeYY! DiD I TEll YoU To SiTT HeREE AnD BiCKEr? Or DiD I TeLL YoU To FINd thE HuMAn?!"

They both looked down, rubbing their forelegs.

"SoRRy PiNKie.." They said in unison.
"DoN'T SoRRy. GET GOING!!" He said, "stamping" his forelegs on the ground. "YOU!" He pointed at Rarity. "Go CHeCK THe KITcHen! YOu!" He pointed at Rainbow. "Go ChECk the SeCURiTy OFfiCEE! NOW!"

They both nodded quickly and sped off to the rooms Austin specified. Meanwhile, the REAL Pinkie heard all the commotion and went to investigate. Meanwhile, Austin ran backstage to change costumes. Pinkie stomped over to the kitchen and screamed at her.

"WHAT THE HAY AM I PAYING YOU FOR?! YOU DON'T EVEN FOLLOW SIMPLE INSTRUCTION! I CLEARLY TOLD YOU TO KEEP WATCH ON THE LEFT HALL!"
"BuT YOu SaiD-"
"NO BUTS! GET MOVING!"

Rarity sped off to the left hall to find Rainbow inspecting the security office.

"GeEz...WhAT In TaRTaUruS IS WrOnGg WItH heR?"
"WhAt HaPPeNED?"
"ShE TOLd Me tO ChECk ThE KiTTChEnNN, thEn RuNS iN AnD SCreamS aT me, SaYinnG I'M noTT DoInG My JOb!"
"ShE'S JusT A LitTlE On EDge."
"A LITtle? ThAT's ThE unDERstAteMenT of ThE cenTurY!"

Austin listened in closely on Pinkie's mutterings.

"Gosh darn human....so crafty. I wonder if Applejack is finished checking the bathrooms..."

He sped over to her and saluted to her.

"BaAtHRooMS ALl cLEar, Ma'Am. No SIgN of tHe HuMAn."
"Oh! ApPleJackk! I WaS JuST ThInkING abOuT YoU! Go ChECk thE KiTchHeNN."

Austin saluted again, then ran off towards the kitchen, but then snuck back around to the backstage again for one last swap. Applejack then ran over to Pinkie and saluted.

"BaAtHRooMS ALl cLEar, Ma'Am. No SIgN of tHe HuMAn."
".........AnD DId YoU CHeCK ThE KITcHEnn LiKE I TOLD YOU TO?!"

Applejack's ears flopped back.

"Er....I DoN'T ReCAlL YoU AsKiNG-"
"GOOO!!"

Applejack jumped and ran off toward the kitchen. Austin then ran back over, this time wearing a Rainbow Dash suit. He reared back, then kicked Pinkie hard, right in the flank. Pinkie flew forward and faceplanted into a set of tables. He snickered, then ran over to her and helped her up.

"PInKiE!! ARe YoU OkAY? THe HuMAn JuST KiCKeD YoU!! I SaW HiM HeADeD FoR ThE SHoW STaGe!"

Pinkie screamed and sprinted toward the show stage, then stopped and looked around.

"Where? Where'd he-" She was interrupted when she heard something that sounded like one of the show stage lamps breaking loose. She looked up, gasped, then...

*CRAAASHH*

DING DONG DING DONNNG...DING DONG DING DONNNGG!!

Children's applause piped through the store, and all the lights were flicked back on. Pinkie's head was now thoroughly lodged in a show stage lamp, and the other animatronics ran out to the show stage to take their places for the day, only to find their boss with a robo-concussion. Rainbow yanked the lamp off her head, while Rarity and Applejack helped her up. Pinkie growled, then stood up.

"WHERE IS HE?!"

Austin was standing in the dining hall, grinning and staring at them, clapping his hands.

"Well done....Well done indeed."

Suddenly, someone started to speak over the intercoms.

*KKSSSHHH* *COUGH* "Ahem...Austin.....girls.....It's me, your producer. Ya know, the one you tried to kill? Yeah, I'm still very much alive. Now, I signed Austin up for the entire week. Yes, Austin. You have to come back for one more night. But as for you 4...."

The animatronics gulped a bit, looking around nervously.

"You four are going to be playing by a new set of rules. Night 7 is going to be a Custom Night. Austin is going to be allowed to tamper with your programming to make you as aggressive as bears, or as cuddly as kittens. And yes, you can all thank Pinkie for that. I'm sure you'll love a human playing with your hard drives. Good luck Austin....and can SOMEONE bring me an ice pack?" *KSSSSHH*

Every other animatronic in the room glared at Pinkie. Pinkie just looked at Austin nervously.

"No hard feelings?"
"Nahhh..." Austin walked over, grinning, then leaned forward till he was face to face with her. "Let's just call it a night....See you tomorrow..."

He turned and left the room.

Smile.pny

Human VS
Smile.pny

Arena: Abandoned House, Unknown, Earth?
Challenge: Open the file. Survive the program. Delete the virus.
Danger Level: Moderate to Severe

Match beginning in 3.....2.....1.....

Austin spawns in a dark room. He feels around for a light switch. Finding one, he flicks it to the ON position. The lights flicker on.

"Huh. So the power still works. That much is apparent."

He turns to the lone set of furniture in the room. A single folding chair, a simple table, and a lone computer. Well that, the monitor, the mouse and keyboard. I looked around, then saw a note beside the mouse.

"Turn on the computer." He read aloud. "Alright! I'll always mindlessly follow a mysterious anonymous note's instructions!"

He sat himself comfortably at the computer. He switched it on, then saw that he was using Windows 98 version, however the logo and text held a red tint to it. He sat back, waiting for the computer to boot up. Finally, it whirred to life and he saw the background of the computer was a blood-red-tinted version of the default Windows background. There was a lone file that was called "smile.pny". He glanced at the note, which was now changed.

"Open the file." He read. He shrugged then moved the cursor to the file, which appeared to be a video file, and double-clicked it. Windows Media Player opened up and started to automatically play the video. However, there was no pause button, no rewind, and no fast forward. He glanced at the corner. The Close, Minimize, and Restore Down buttons were also missing. He glanced at the note.

"Watch the video." He muttered. "Eh...I'm gonna get some popcorn. This looks like it's going to be a long one."

He got up, turned around and went into the kitchen, pulled an unpopped bag of popcorn out, put it into the microwave, turned it on High, then put it in for 2 minutes.

2 minutes passed and the microwave opened up automatically. He pulled it out, shook it vigorously, then opened it up before going back into the room and sitting at the computer. Oddly, the video didn't play anything yet. Just a black screen. Finally, something started to happen. The borders of the video started to turn red, and soon a strange pony-like figure became evident. The pony was snow white, minus the multiple cuts, wounds and blood stains in her fur. Her mane and tail were jagged and messy, red just like the blood staining her coat, and her right ear appeared to be missing and covered in dried blood. Her eyes were jet black, with red irises. And her face was stretched into an unnatural grin. She opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was static. Suddenly, a piece of popcorn it her in the forehead.

"Ack! What in the-"

Her voice was raspy and demonic, but obviously female.

"Booooo!" Austin threw more popcorn through the computer screen. "That was a terrible movie!"
"Insolent mortal! How dare yo- Ack! Stop doing that!"
"Okay you got mute now."

Austin muted the computer, and the pony grinned.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Austin. Smile for me."
"Nah."

Austin got up casually and walked away from the computer. Smile.pny stepped out from the computer and started her song.

"Hush now, smile now. Know that I will find you. Hush now, smile now. Be scared of what I'll do to you..."
"Nah."
"Whuh...what do you mean 'nah'?! Be scared!"
"Nope." Austin tossed a piece of popcorn into his mouth.

She growled audibly, then did a few breathing exercises.

"Stick with the song, stick with the song..." She muttered to herself. "Ahem....Hush now, smile now. Pained screams are music to my ears. Hush now, smile now. I am but all your fears..."

Austin suddenly stopped and ran right over to her, stopping in front of her.

"Oh reaaalllly?"

Surprised by his sudden appearance, Smile.pny blinked at first, then opened her mouth.

"Yes?"
"Okay, Miss Know-it-all. What's my favorite colour?"
"Er..." Smile.pny frowned, however her sharp teeth were always visible. "Blue?"
"EHHHHH!" Austin imitated a buzzer. "Wrong! What's my favorite food?"
"Umm....Chicken?"
"EHHHH! Wrong again! Who married Marcy the Cow?"

That one really stumped her. She looked at the floor, deep in thought, unaware of Austin going up behind her.

".....I....don't know!"
"Charlie Horse!" He kicked the back of her forelegs hard, causing her to reel forward and topple down the nearby staircase.

She got up, screaming in frustration. She stopped soon after and did some more deep breathing.

"Stay calm! Stay calm...he's only trying to psyche you out...Ahem.....Hush now, smile now. Don't bother trying to run from me. I, will, track you down and kill you, don't you see?"

Austin suddenly ran right over to her again.

"So you will track me down? How? With who? With what? TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!" He grabbed onto her shoulders and shook her back and forth, hanging off her with an anxious expression.

"Demon magic?" She shrugged.
"But I thought you were a computer virus."
"A demonic computer virus."
"I don't understand, what's the diff?"
"Well....one could be a simple trojan, the other will crawl out of your computer and kill you."
"That sounds....kind of silly."
"Yes, but....UGH! You're doing it again! You're supposed to be hiding from me!"
"Okay okay! Fine! Geez pushy!" He turned around and walked away, then into another room and hid in the pantry.
"Come on, don't be shy, I only want to be your friend. Happiness and friendship is all I want to send...."

Austin suddenly came back out looking frustrated.

"Okay now you're sending me mixed messages."
"Huh?"
"Go hide, but no, come out, don't be shy..Like seriously! Hide, or don't hide?"
"I...you....ugh...Just go hide!!"

Austin turned and walked back into the kitchen, then hid in the pantry again. Smile.pny continued her song.

"Hush now, smile now, the taste of tears is really sweet. Hush now, smile now, tears make for a good treat......Hush now, smile now, your skin, it tastes like chocolate. You're like, the mouse in this chase and I'm the cat."

Austin stepped out again before she could continue her slow advance and song.

"Ooookay I'm sorry."

She huffed and rolled her eyes.

"What now?!"
"First off, tears are gross, salty waste products that is expelled through our tear ducts to help expel salt, as well as to express sadness or fear. So they are NOT at all sweet. Secondly, Chocolate and cat are not rhyming words. They're not even like...family rhymes. Unless you pronounce chocolate really weird...like chock-o-LAT and CAT. But I pronounce it the way it should be said as: chock-o-lit."

She groaned and face-hoofed, then looked back up at him.

"GO HIDE!!"
"Okay okay..."

He went back into the pantry while Smile.pny started her slow advance towards the kitchen again, singing all the while. Austin soon saw a faint red glow under the door of the pantry as she approached.

"Hush now, smile now, I only want to give you a hug. Then, I'll, spill your blood and drink it from a jug."
"Okay, one last thing, then I'll shut up: That sounds disgusting. Seriously, there's so much iron and other grossness in blood...I mean I could have like...AIDS or something...seriously, why would you drink that? I mean, I don't have AIDS, but I'm just saying, I could! And you'd be drinkin' it! Sorry! Shutting up now!"

Smile.pny was finding it really hard to smile at this point. She groaned a bit and continued her song as the glow got more intense under the doorframe.

"I know, where you are, and I just really want to play. I, can, smell your fear from one hundred miles away..."

She was about to turn and leave to add to the creep factor, but she stopped when she heard some strange crinkling noises from inside the pantry. Her eye twitched and she spun around again, opening the door wide, huffing angrily. Austin froze and without moving his head, looked at her. He was holding a bag of chips up and tilting it into his mouth. Slowly he chewed a bit and brought the bag down, then spoke with a mouthful of chips.

"Oh I'm sorry....did you want some chips?" He offered her the bag. Smile.pny looked like she was seconds from tearing her hair out, but then suddenly smiled again, unusually calm.

"No thaannks....Why don't you go hide in the upstairs closet?"
"Okie doki loki. Lemme just finish these chips." He finished the chips, threw the bag aside and walked upstairs. Smile.pny waited until he was out of earshot, then screamed to her hearts content.

Soon, after venting her rage, she sighed heavily, then started her song up again.

"Hush now, smile now, you know you cannot hide from me...Hush now, smile now, you know you cannot flee..."

Austin suddenly ran up to her and wrapped his arm around her, holding out a smartphone.

"Yeah but first...let me take a selfie~"

The smartphone flashed as it took their picture, then Austin ran off into the closet again. Smile.pny growled.

"....huff.....I know, you will run but you will not escape my grasp. I know, your last breath will likely be a gasp."

Austin rolled his eyes. This was getting boring. He stepped out and walked past her.

"Yeah yeah yeah, this is getting stupid." He stood near the edge of the stairs. "Look if you're gonna kill me, just kill me...This is getting late."

Smile.pny finally had enough, then lunged at him, shoving him down the stairs violently. Austin tumbled and fell, rolling head over heels down the staircase until he landed at the bottom with a painful SNAP. Smile.pny grinned.

"Awww...did we fall down and hurt ourselves?"

She chuckled evilly as she approached and finished her song.

"Hush now, smile now, your life is now behind you. Hush now, smile now, no need to feel blue..."

Suddenly Austin got back up without a scratch and grinned.

"Nah I'm fine. A couple of bruises, but no biggie."

Smile.pny frowned in shock, then anger and lunged for him, but stopped when they heard the doorbell ring.

"Oh! The pizza's here."
"Pizza?"
"Yeah, I hope you like pepperoni..." he opened the door and a man wearing black and yellow coveralls was standing there with a strange device that looked like something out of Ghostbusters. "WITH A SIDE OF NORTON ANTI-VIRUS!!"
"WHAT?! NO!!" She cried. She turned and started to run to get back to the computer, but Norton fired his beam at her. The strange lazer coiled and tangled her up, causing her to scream loudly as she was sucked into the strange device. Austin highfived Norton, then went over to the computer and turned it off.

HUMAN WINS!

Coins Collected: 0 Bits
Computer: No viruses detected!
Smile.pny: File deleted!

Author's Note

Special thanks to Manual Control for the story idea of Smile.pny!

Please leave a comment below if you have ideas for the next episode of Human VS!

The New Beginning

Austin coughs, his lungs filled with the dusty, mildewy air of the dark room. The only light, dangling above him ominously by a thin cable and shrouded with a rusty metal shade, swung precariously; each small breeze causing it to sway side to side, illuminating only more dirty, wooden floorboards. The smell of rotted wood, wet straw and mud filled the dark room; inky blackness surrounding him like a curtain of despair. He blinks a few times, then gives his head a bit of a shake. There's a light tingling noise coming from all around his head for a moment and he sees one of the curved horns of his colorful jester's hat swing into his line of sight before swaying back to the side of his head neatly; the tiny metal bell on each horn jingling with every little movement he made.

He smiles, at least they didn't take his hat, he thinks to himself, a small chuckle breaking his lips and making the tiny bells jingle their song. But he doesn't chuckle from the thought of his hat being in the rightful place of on top of his shaggy brown hair.. Oh no. He chuckles for he knows exactly why he's there. But where is "there"...? "There" is currently in some sort of old barn, or perhaps a mill; bound to a creaky wooden chair, the back of which is uncomfortable digging into his shoulder blades as they are cocked harshly over it; his arms behind him with his wrists tightly bound in an splintery rope that digs into the sensitive skin of his hands and arms. His shins, too, are bound in a similar fashion, one to each of the front legs of the chair; one of which is slightly shorter than the other, making the chair wobble if you lean the wrong way.

So why is he "there"? Why would he be in such a dreadful situation? And furthermore, why chuckle about it? This is not a place to be chuckling... In fact, it's quite inappropriate given the circumstances! Most people in his shoes would be experiencing a sense of horror, of fear! They were just kidnapped, incapacitated and then awoken in a dark room, alone, tied to a chair, with no visible exits or means of escape! It is because he knows.

He knows precisely why he is here. And so do they. Don't they, now?

"You're awake."
"Brilliant observation." He says, the sarcasm dripping from his tongue like crimson paint drips from a brush.

His kidnapper... or rather, kidnappers stare at him from the darkness. Unseen, yet not unheard. They hide their voices with some sort of distortion, perhaps from a spell? Or perhaps from one of the several voice-modding gadgets you can purchase. One way or another, they didn't want to be recognized. The modulator caused the voice to sound vaguely male... vaguely female.. It was hard to judge.

"You know why you're here."
"Oh, two for two, you're doing great." Once again, the jester hat donning man says with the sarcasm practically palpable.

"Enough with the sarcasm. You're going to talk."
"As if I haven't been already...?"

"You know why you're here, so you must know who we are."
"I have a guess, yeah..."

"Then who are we?"
"Lemme answer that question.. with a question. Are you happy?"

"What?"
"I said... Are you happy..? You know, doing what you're doing now. Interrogating me, staring at me from a dark room... Are you proud of yourselves? You must be, otherwise you wouldn't be here. But that doesn't necessarily answer the question... Are you happy?"

There's a silence. Not even a mutter or a whisper to their cohorts... Dead, empty silence. The jester grins, knowing that he hit the nerve right on the head. The smug expression stays on his face as he stares into the darkness. He knows not where the voices are coming from, nor who they are, or if they care enough to say, but he knows that they're in there. They're watching. Waiting.

"Tick tock..." Austin says with a smirk, tauntingly, almost. Almost.

"No. We're not happy. Now answer our question. Who are we?"
"A better question would be what are we... Wouldn't it? And it's not so much what you are in general. No no no, it's... what are you... to me?"

Another silence. The grin grows wider, a set of off-white teeth slowly become more and more visible. Silence continues to reign for a moment. Another moment. Another long, slow, agonizing moment. Finally... The jester laughs.

"Why are you laughing?!"

"Quit that!"

"This isn't funny!"

Austin ignores the pleas from the dark room, laughing only harder, and harder, gasps become wheezes, and tears begin to dribble across his stretched cheeks as he laughs only harder.

"STOP LAUGHING!"

"WE'RE WARNING YOU!"

He laughs only harder, rocking his chair as he does so, causing it to creak and squeal violently. Finally, he tips over and hits the floor with a heavy thud, like that of a burlap bag of grain; kicked up dust from the landing floating off into the dark as the jester's laughter only continues.

"STOP LAUGHING AT US!!" The voices shout in unison.

The laughter slowly dies, howls becoming chuckles, chuckles becoming soft giggles, and giggles slowly dribbling away as he struggles to catch his breath. His cheek pressed firmly against the dirty floor, he looks up into the darkness, at nothing in particular as he speaks..

"So tell me then...what are you?"

A purple set of hooves slowly approach, followed by a set of white, then orange, then yellow, pink and baby blue. Then a set of dark grey, then light grey, a set of pine green, then a few more of varying colors.

"Not that you need to tell me.. I already know. I want to hear you say it."

A magenta aura covers him and he finds himself lifted from the dusty floor and set back on the four creaky legs of the chair. He smiles with a strange warmness, yet a glimmer of mischief skims over his eyes as the bells gently jingle from his movements. Twilight stares at him, her purple eyes meeting his, glaring.

"We're your creations, Austin."
"Well... only to a point, you are... After all, you're copyrighted material.."

Sketch and Night Wisp step forward, frowns on their muzzles. "And what about us?" They say together.
"You two are more my creation than these 6... But still, I digress.. There's a reason you brought me here, and you likely want to say that first before I continue..."

"We want you back, Austin. You left our stories unfinished, a picture with no end.." Tinsel said, looking upset.
"Tinsel, I wrote you as a one-shot.. And furthermore, your story IS finished. It's THESE guys that have unfinished business."

"So why did you leave, then?" Sketch said, his frown not leaving his face.

A third pause. For the first time since he woke up in the dark room, he had a question that didn't have an answer. At least... not right away. He looked across the ponies' faces, then to the floor as he twists his lips into a puzzled frown. Finally, a heavy sigh escapes his lungs and he looks up, giving them a defeated smile.

"I don't know.. I still love to watch the show, and I draw you from time to time, but I suppose... I just didn't have the time, thoughts or ability to see you through at the time. So now what? This IS a Human VS chapter... Aren't you gonna kill me or something?"
"Heyyyy, 4th wall breaks are my thing!" Pinkie protests, only to be quickly hushed by Twilight.
"No, we're not going to kill you, Austin."

"Whew! That's a relief. After all, who'd be around to write the new stuff?"
"New stuff...?" Night says, lifting an eyebrow.

Austin just smiles mysteriously and chuckles. It's good to be back.

Equestria: Crossing Over (Abridged Version)

Human VS
Equestria: Crossing Over (Fanfic)

Arena: Ponyville Area, Equestria
Challenge: Complete the Story...?
Danger Level: Miniscule

Match Beginning in 3.......2.......1....

The jester-hat wearing human spawns in on the edge of the cliff, staring down into the abyss. He knew how the story went. Blah blah blah, chase scene, blah blah blah, leap into an abyss, blah blah blah, ponies. He wrote the damn story!

"A self-insert fic inside a self-insert fic? How many levels are there in this rabbit hole?" He chuckled, rolling his eyes and shrugging. He had no strong desire or need to wait around for the FBI agents that had no reason to be chasing him, nor did he have any reason to run the first time. Come to think of it, that was never really explained...? Regardless, his producer wasn't paying him to NOT jump into this dark cliff, then skydive from his world into a world of colorful equines.

"Should I scream something on my way in? Like.. HI HO SILVER! Nah that's too old-timey... GERONIMO!! No that's too cliche.." As he paused for thought, he heard several crunching noises as a troop of the aforementioned agents had located him. "Ah, darn. No time! CANNNONNBALLLLL!!!" With a leap, he tucked his legs against his chest and hugged them, dropping like a jingling stone into the mouth of the hole.

The FBI agents peered into the hole, then looked at each other, shrugging.

Darkness soon turned to light, and just like before, he found himself skydiving toward Ponyville. Pegasi flew under him, completely unaware of the jester, and rather than get their attention in the usual way, he decided to have some fun.

"Well, it's not every day you get to skydive without a chute!" He shouted with a huge smile, then he did several flips and twirls, then pulled out a set of juggling balls. Unfortunately, they were much lighter than he was, and he quickly lost them as soon as he threw them up. Then he pulled out a deck of cards and they had the same fate. "They make that look easier in the cartoons.." He said dryly, looking up at his props, then he shrugged.

"Nothing left to do now, other than the patented Corkscrew Maneuver!" He quickly inverted himself, aiming his head directly at the ground, crossing his arms over his chest, then angled his feet so that he started to spin, picking up more and more speed as he fell. "EEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

His loud exclamation was overheard by a pair of roaming pegasi, seeing what looked like a colorfully dressed hairless monkey speeding headfirst into the ground. They swooped down and quickly grabbed onto him, inverting the jester and getting him to sit carefully in their forelegs.

"Aww party poopers. You shoulda let me hit the ground! It's okay, I'll respawn in the next chapter. I just thought that biting it 10 minutes into THIS chapter woulda been hilarious!" He protested, squirming a bit while they tried to keep him from leaping to his death and exchanged confused glances.

"What the hay IS this thing, Cloud Kicker?"
"I dunno but it sure is squirmy! Stay still, weirdo! We're trying to make sure you don't hurt yourself!"
"Should we bring it to Twilight?"
"Yeah, she'd know what to do with...whatever this thing is.."
"I have a name ya know!"

The two pegasi carefully dropped the jester hat-wearing young man just outside Golden Oak Library, then Cloud Kicker knocked on the door while the other, currently unnamed pegasus kept an eye on Austin.
"Just don't run away, okay? We're not gonna hurt you!" She said, smiling maternally. "We understand you're probably really nervous, but we're your friends!"
"I'm not nervous! And if I run away, it's more likely because I want to cause some chaos and mischief, not because I'm afraid." He corrected with a nod, the sparkling red bells on his hat tingling.
"Oh dear, I think he's becoming delirious... That fall must've put him into a state of shock!"

Austin frowned, giving her a confused look and opening his mouth to correct her again, wanting to assure the pegasus that he was just fine and in no way delirious, when the door opened. Twilight stood in the doorway, smiling and greeted Cloud Kicker and the other pegasus, who was apparently named Sunny Sky before looking past them at Austin with a mix of confusion and wonder.

"Hey Twilight. We found this... thing falling out of the sky at breakneck speeds! We just barely managed to catch it, it was going so fast! We were hoping you knew what it was..."
"Leave it to me, girls!" Twilight said with a big smile, then the two pegasi looked at Austin and gave him their best reassuring looks.
"Just stay with Twilight. Twilight is your friend!"
"Yeah! We don't want you getting hurt... weird... bipedal... thing!"
"Just go inside and sit down, okay?"

Austin deadpanned at them, not appreciating the baby-talk, but knew better than to correct them again; So he just went inside and sat down on the closest stool. Twilight waved goodbye to the pegasi, then closed the door and turned to look at him.

"SO..." She said awkwardly, giving him a big, fake grin. "..what are you?"
"I'm human, my name is Austin, you're a unicorn, your name is Twilight Sparkle, protege of Princess Celestia and local librarian and bookworm." He said dryly.
"How did you-"
"It's easier if I just say it like this...We're on a TV show. Human VS. I'm the human. You're the... thing I'm up against. Well, not you SPECIFICALLY... But... this." He said, spreading his arms and doing jazz-hands at his surroundings.
"You're... against my library?"
"No!" He facepalmed, then stood up and spread his arms again, spinning a bit. "THIS. All this. I'm against like... the whole world."
"You.. feel like the world is against you."

There was a long silence as Austin stared at her, the same expression locked on his face. Thiiiiis wasn't as fun as he was hoping, he thought to himself.

"Okay, since this chapter is going nowhere as is, I'm just gonna get this started in the usual fashion."
"Chapter? What are you talking abo-"

Before she could finish her sentence, Austin stood up, gave her a wave, then took a diving leap out of the nearest window before getting up and sprinting at top speed toward the market. Twilight quickly ran to the window and looked after him, then teleported out and gave chase.

"HEY! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!"

He continued to run, a huge grin on his face. He knew this story like nobody's business. He wrote it after all! Soon enough, she would've called Fluttershy, then he'd run away, get caught and get tied up. But why would he wait, just to get bound to a chair when there was CHAOS to unleash?! He dashed past the apple stand, followed by Rainbow Dash's napping cloud causing both ponies to look at him, and the purple unicorn chasing him. Without another word, the two of them gave chase as well, catching up to her.

"Hey Twi! What's that thing we're chasing?"
"I don't know! Says he's a human or something, but then he leapt through my window and ran off!"
"I'll wrangle that varmint!" Applejack said, pulling the rope from her saddlebag and beginning to twirl it above her head.

He glanced behind, seeing the orange pony readying her lasso, then flashed a mischievous grin. He waited until the very last moment, and then reached around a stall on his way by and sent out a barrel. The lasso grabbed the barrel instead of him, and Applejack screeched to a halt before turning tail and trying to avoid it, only to have the barrel crash into her. Rainbow Dash scowled, shouting after the jester.

"HEY! NOPONY DOES THAT TO MY FRIENDS!"

She took to the air and sped after him, quickly catching up. She reached out and lifted him up by his underarms, higher and higher. "I got him Twilight!" She called, distracting her for just enough time for him to reach up and tickle under her belly. She squealed in laughter, dropping him again, and Twilight shot out a magical net to snag the rowdy jester. He looked at the net and yelped, the magenta grid slamming into him and the heavy weights swinging around one another as he fell backwards, the net ensnaring him. Twilight grinned and ran over.

"Gotcha! Now stop running and let us help... you?"

As it turns out, Austin had pulled a carnival trick on her, replacing himself with a look-alike dummy at the last possible instant. The magical net faded and she looked around, only to hear soft jingling from above. She looked up to see Austin's legs scramble over a rooftop, then he turned and looked back at her, spitting raspberries for a minute before running off again.

"Where'd he go?" Applejack said, running up behind her. "We just had him!"
"Over that rooftop! Rainbow, take to the sky and keep a bead on him! Me and Applejack will take the alleys!"

Rainbow salutes, then gains altitude, looking down from above. "He's heading toward Sugarcube Corner!"

Austin was indeed speeding toward Sugarcube Corner. Was it so that he could get Pinkie to warp him back home? No, of course not. Chaos was his game! He dropped from the roofs, then ran into the bakery, quickly entering and leaping the counter, leaving behind a very confused Mrs. Cake. AJ, Twi and RD came in after him, looking around.

"Mrs. Cake, did you see a-"

Mrs. Cake just pointed over her shoulder nervously, toward the kitchen. They went in after him, only to see him exiting with a heavy bag of flour over his shoulder. They ran after him, soon cornering him against a house. He looked around for possible escape routes, then spun around to look at the 3 ponies. Soon, Fluttershy, Rarity and Pinkie all came in too, likely told by other ponies who saw the chase.

"Austin, right?" Twilight said, slowly taking a step forward. "It's okay, we don't want to hurt you! We understand you're really scared and-"
"I'm not scared!" He said, putting his arm out, exasperated how they didn't get that yet.
"Then why do you keep runnin' off?" AJ said, frowning.
"It's.. it's part of my contract, or something. I gotta make each episode interesting!"
"Episode?" Rarity said, frowning. "Like.. on TV?"
"YES. Human VS. Channel 7? 6 PM EST, 7 CST?"

The ponies all looked at each other, muttering among themselves for a minute, then looked back at him.
"Theeeere's no show called 'Human VS'..." Rainbow said, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes, there is. We're on it right now. We're filming an episode as we speak!"

Suddenly, Austin's cellphone rang. He sighed heavily and put a finger up, setting down the bag of flour and turning his back to them as he answered the call. "Hello?"

"Who's he talking to..?"
"What's that box thing..?"
"Shhh!"

Austin paced a bit, pinching his nose. "Yeah I get it... Ok but-... Yes, I know what my contract says. They don't even know what I'm talking about.... Ok ok... OKAY... okay, see you at the studio. Ok... bye." He hangs up, then pockets the phone and picks up the bag of flour, heaving it onto his shoulder again as he turns to face the ponies.

"I've been told I shouldn't be telling you that we're on an episode of Human VS. I've also been told that I need to get this episode moving or I'm fired."
"Fired? Episode...?"
"What was that box you were talking into?"

He smiled and waved. "Sorry no questions today! Gotta go! Remember, reality is an illusion! The universe isn't real! Buy gold! BYEEEE!" He then lifted the bag above his head and slammed it against the ground, causing it to erupt into a thick white cloud of dust. The ponies all coughed and waved their hooves in front of their muzzles, trying their best to clear away the flour-splosion. When the dust settled, they saw that Austin was gone. Again.

The ponies began to search all over town for the jester, even getting a few passerby to help out. Rainbow and Fluttershy were on sky patrol while the others covered the ground. How could something as visually loud as a human in Equestria be so slippery?! Eventually, Princess Celestia, having heard the news, flew down on her chariot as Twilight ran over, gave a bow, then looked up at her teacher.

"Princess! We're having such a hard time finding that... human thing. He keeps causing trouble everywhere he goes!"
"So I've heard..." Celestia said, trying to contain her amusement at the situation. "You said he was apparently on some sort of TV show...?"
"Yes, he keeps talking about this show called 'Human VS', but every time we corner him, he disappears again!"
"I've watched this show, he's quite the trickster!" Celestia said, chuckling. "But don't worry, there is a way to beat him."
"There is? Omigosh, thank you Princess! What is it?" Twilight said excitedly.

Within an hour, the whole town was quiet. Every pony apparently going back to their usual fare. A soft jingle escaped from a barrel as a familar jester hat-clad head peeked out, looking around. He looked confused, then climbed out of the barrel and went into the market. Nobody even bat an eye at him. They just went amongst themselves and left him be.

"Something ain't right..." He said, frowning. "It's quiet. Too quiet..." He ran to the library, opening the door and going in. Twilight was there, reading a book. She glanced up at him, gave him a polite smile and wave, then went back to her book.

"Hey, aren't you gonna chase me?"
"Mm-mm." She said, without looking away from the pages.
"You're not gonna tie me up and try to get me to talk?"
"Nnnnope."
"Seriously...?"
"Mm-hm."

He frowned a little more, then turned and pretended to leave. "Okayyy well.. I'm going to go wreck up the marketplace! You better come stop me!"
"That's nice, have fun!" She said, completely unfazed.
"Um... O-Okay well after that I'm gonna go kick over Applejack's cart!"
"Alright, enjoy!"
"....Annnnd then I'll burn down Sugarcube Corner!"
"There's some black powder in the storage closet, if you need it."

The horns on Austin's hat drooped and he looked dejected. "Really?" Twilight didn't even respond to that one. She just smiled, sitting there with her eyes glued to the page. With a soft flick, the page turned and she continued as silence rang out in the library.

"You...You're not gonna stop me."

Twilight set a bookmark into it, then stretched her forelegs and yawned before standing up and smiling at him, then turning tail and going upstairs to her bed.

"W-Wait where are you going?!"
"To bed."
"Yo-You can't be serious! I'm going to cause wanton destruction and and and utter chaos in your town!"
"We'll rebuild. We always do when something like you shows up."
"Hey! I am NOT some would-be villain-of-the-week!"

Twilight, again, gave no response as she went upstairs and got into bed. The droopy jester frowned, then left and closed the door behind him. He ran to Sugarcube Corner, but it was closed for the day. He went to Sweet Apple Acres, but the gate was locked. There wasn't a single pony who wanted to give his antics the time of day. That is.. until Celestia came down from the skies and landed near him.

"Celestia..." He said, his arms crossed.
"Austin.." She said, smiling warmly as usual.
"Peaceful evening for a flight from Canterlot...?"
"Very."
"You watch the show, don't you?"
"Every night."

He scowled as she just maintained her gentle smile, but the mischievous twinkle in her eye gave her away. He rolled his eyes, grumbling a bit.

"What was that?" She inquired, raising an eyebrow.
"Nothing."
"Well, something needs to happen, Austin. There's got to be a winner this week."

Another silence. He stared at her with a grimace, she stared back with a knowing smile. Finally, he took his hat off and threw it at the ground in defeat, turning away.

"Ohhhh horseapples... You win."

HUMAN DEFEATED!!

Bits Lost: 0
Ponyville: Barely Touched
Chaos Caused: 40 Bits of Damages

Celestia smiled as she lifted the hat from the ground with her magic, shaking it off and gently placing it back on his head.

"Don't take it too hard, dear. You did your best."
"I made it to like, the 3rd chapter! Out of 10!"
"Well, if it makes you feel better, I loved that corkscrew skydive you did earlier."
"Grrr.."

He crossed his arms again, rolling his eyes and sighing. "I guess it makes me feel a little better."
"And don't worry, this isn't the first time you've lost."
"Well, maybe, but it still sucks."

Celestia just chuckles and gently pats at his back with one of her wings. "Maybe try one of your other fics..."

Five Nights at Pinkie's (Custom Night)

Human VS

Five Nights at Pinkie's

Match Progression:
Night 1 - Complete!
Night 2 - Complete!
Night 3 - Complete!
Night 4 - Complete!
Night 5 - Complete!
Night 6 - Complete!
Custom Night - Pending...

Custom Stage!!

Custom Stage beginning in 3.....2......1.....1...11.111.11!!@@!&^$QHQH *KSSSSSSHHH*

Austin stepped into Pinkie Pie's Pizzeria nice and early that day. It was about 11 PM that night, one hour before his shift. He had something he needed to do. He flicked the power on and the animatronics buzzed to life. They blinked their robotic eyes and looked around, confused about why they were activated early, then remembered the events of last night. They all groaned. He approached the show stage and climbed up into it, then jammed a key into Rarity's back, causing her to shout.

"HEY! Easy!!" She said. "I AM a lady after all!"

Austin just rolled his eyes as he opened her maintenance panel and began playing with the wires.

"Hardly. Look, I know you're a mare in another universe, but here, you're a life-less android that murders people after midnight." He tugged hard on one of the wires, making her exclaim again.

"OW! Careful! I don't want you pulling the wrong WIIiiii-uuurrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRAIIIN! I'M SIIIIINNNNGING IN THE RAIN!"

Austin tugged another wire.

"*KSSH BUZZ* My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

Austin pulled two wires out and twisted them together.

"-wire! You might-....Where was I just now?"
"Nevermind." He slammed her maintenance panel shut again.
"OW!"

He continued to do the same to all of them, with Pinkie Pie being the last one.

He twisted the key, then flipped open the panel, making Pinkie exclaim.

"Hey!" She looked over her shoulder at him. "Listen....about last night- OW!"
"What about last night?" He ripped a circuit board out, inspected it for a minute, then shrugged and tossed it over his shoulder. Pinkie bit her robo-lip.
"I just wanted to say- OWW! Careful! -sorry."
"Sorry? For what?" He started to bash her insides with a hammer repeatedly. Pinkie cringed with each hit.
"For- OW! Trying to- OW! kill your- OWWW! Producer."
"It's all in the past."
"It was literally a day ago."
"It's a matter of opinion."
"No it isn't!"

He pulled out a microchip of some kind, then jammed it into one of her circuit boards before slamming her maintenance panel shut, then locked it.

"I just want this to be a fair fight!" Pinkie protested.
"It's not my problem, Pinkie. If you wanted a fair fight, you can take it up with my boss."
"But....you didn't rip out anything important while you were jamming your greasy human hands in there, did you?"
"Pinkie..." he said, wiping some motor oil off his hands with a rag he produced from nowhere. "The way I see it is if I really wanted to deactivate you, I would've just ripped out your motherboard and be done with it."

He stood up and started to walk away, with Pinkie sighing a small breath of relief. But that relief turned to terror when Austin paused and turned around, still wiping his fingers.

"But I never said I didn't rip out anything important." He grinned and tossed the rag into the trash, then walked down the hallway, laughing. Pinkie stared at him, then looked over her shoulder at her maintenance panel.

30 minutes to Midnight

Pinkie was sitting on the show stage, with Rainbow peeking into her maintenance panel, each one inspecting the damage that Austin had done to the others.

"Well? What's it look like? What'd he do?" Pinkie said, worried.
"Well...Everything that keeps you running is still safe, and it looks like all the software is still here. But..."
"But? What but? Why but?"
"Well......It looks like he put some sort of microchip in your motherboard. It's pretty small. Probably doesn't hold a lot of data."
"But what does it do?!"
"I can't tell you for certain...He seems to have jammed it into your "Free Roam" centre on your motherboard, so we'll have to wait until Midnight to find out if there are any adverse effects."

Rainbow closed the panel and locked it, then put her hoof around Pinkie.

"Listen, he said he wouldn't deactivate you. And it's not like he ripped out anything too important."
"But that chip-"
"It's tiny...What ever it is, probably won't affect much. Now perk up, we have a human to kill."
"Okay..."

Match beginning in 3...2....1....

Austin spawned again in that tiny office. He looked at the notes he had made for himself. Or rather, a bad diagram he wrote down hastily on a stained napkin with a ballpoint pen. On it, it showed the 4 animatronics and their "danger lvl". Rarity and Applejack were set to a reasonable 10 out of 20. Medium difficulty wasn't too bad. He didn't want any flak from Rainbow, so he toned her programming down a few more notches to around 3-5 out of 20. Finally, Pinkie. He didn't bother to write anything down for her. He knew what he wanted. He crumpled the napkin up and tossed it into the trash basket, then turned on the screens.

Applejack and Rarity were gone, with Pinkie on stage. She was trying her best to look menacing but it was hard for her. He looked like she had to go to the bathroom really bad. It was funny. Austin didn't bother to look as he closed the left door right in Rarity's face. Rarity growled and sighed, then decided to leave. Applejack hid in the bathrooms for now. Rainbow wasn't even bothering to peek out of her curtains.

12 rolled down to 2, and after a few close encounters and one bathroom break, he was well on his way to finally figuring out what Pinkie was going to do. She came down from the stage about at about 2:30 AM, and hid in the left corner. She stared into the camera. Austin smiled, then closed the left door. Pinkie started to regain her confidence. She seemed to be operating at a difficulty of 10-12 out of 20. More than she expected, honestly.

Soon, it was 4:30 AM. Austin shook his head and flipped the laptop open. It was 12% power left. He sighed heavily. It was weird how despite time moving at a rate of more than 20 times the pace of other universes, the power drained faster than the hours changed. But his plan was coming together nicely. Waiting until 5 AM and his power to drain, he checked Pirate's Cove one last time. Rainbow didn't even bother to peek out once that evening. 5 AM finally rolled around, and his power was down to a mere 3%.

Pinkie was now fully confident of her victory. She smiled at the others.

"The stupid chip must've been a dud!"

They smiled and nodded at her, then finally...the power ran out. Austin waited and waited.

He rubbed his forearm and stretched. Pinkie's face started to flicker in the darkness. He smiled.

"Oh you started early today." He stepped out, much to Pinkie's surprise. She finished her song, then lunged for him, her teeth glinting in the dark. She opened her jaws wide and brought them down on his ne-....

I said brought them down on his ne-

I SAID BROUGHT THEM DOWN ON HIS NE-

But no matter how hard Pinkie tried, her jaw just kept locking up. She couldn't bite down! He grinned, then held up a carrot in front of her nose. Her eyes locked on to it. He began to swing it in front of her face with a grin. Her eyes trailed back and forth and back and forth. He tossed it down the hallway, and Pinkie chased it. She got down and started to eat the carrot (despite being a robot and it being impossible for her to even ingest the orange veggie). Austin smiled, then stood up and came up behind her, giving her a few more vegetables to munch on.

He scratched behind her ears, making her very happy. He smiled.

"That chip I added to your circuits make it so you have the same weaknesses and diet as a regular pony." He rolled her over and began to tickle her robotic tummy, making her legs kick and she laughed uncontrollably.
"I also made it so that you have very sensitive touch sensors on your tummy and ears."

*DINNG DONG DINNG DONG...DING DONG DING DONNNNNG* The children's applause rained throughout the audience. He pet the pink robot's head before standing up and putting her back on the stage.

"Good night Pinkie."

He turned, then ran out of the pizzeria and fistpumped, laughing. He jumped into the air with a gleeful shout. He danced in the street and pointed to the sky victoriously.

He was then promptly hit by a car.

Wasted....

HUMAN WINS THE MATCH!

Final Results:

Night 1 - Complete!
Night 2 - Complete!
Night 3 - Complete!
Night 4 - Complete!
Night 5 - Complete!
Night 6 - Complete!
Custom Night - Complete!

Total Coins - 120 Bits
Job Status - Terminated

NEXT TIME ON...

HUMAN VS:

HUMAN VS Smileponi.avi

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Author's Note

Happy Halloween!