Hands and Hooves Day

by GravelordNito

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Romance, Anon, Original Character, Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Sex
Length: 27161

Hearts and Hooves Day is here, and Anon plans to spend it with the monsters under his bed. That is, until a nosy little pony comes along and signs him up for a speed dating event. Great...

Anonymous, the lone human oddity in Equestria, has the Valentine's blues. Or Hearts and Hooves blues here, perhaps.

Having been in this world for near upon a year now, he's feeling ready for some companionship in his life. The problem is, he still has some monsters hiding under his bed that he needs to defeat first. Or so he keeps telling himself.

His good friend Twilight has noticed he's been shutting himself in more than usual recently, and it turns out the upcoming holiday brings with it an event which may well be exactly what Anon needs to come crawling out of his shell...

Yep, an alien at a speed dating event. What could possibly go wrong?

> Sex tag added for humourous sexually suggestive dialogue and scenarios.

- Featured on 15/02/2025

Published 2025-02-14 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2025-02-16 23:34:57 UTC

Hearts and Hooves Blues

Friday.

Oh, how Anon loved Fridays. Fridays were the best. He got to come home from work, sit down, and then spend his entire weekend doing nothing but think about how much he wished Monday would never come.

"Anon! Just open the door!" called a muffled, feminine voice.

The forlorn human sighed before responding, "Yeah - in a minute, you purple brainstorm!"

Anon flung himself back in his desk chair and lifted a finger, despite nobody being around to see it. "Twilight, these walls are almost as thin as your chances of getting laid this century. What if I was busy with 'Anon Time' or something?"

"Anon, please don't make this weird."

Yep. He was living the life. Positively splendid.

Okay, he was being a little dramatic. And perhaps just a tiny bit sarcastic. If he was being honest with himself, he had life pretty damn good, living here amongst all these little pastel ponies.

To make a long story short - around a year ago, Anon had been relaxing in his room, just browsing on his computer. He'd had a pretty rough time at his job that day, from what he remembered.

Anyway, he had only so much as blinked, and the next thing he knew, the majority of his bedroom had been seemingly ripped from his home and dumped in the middle of a field, with him still sitting at his desk like a moron.

He had been found by a small, alien-looking pink equine creature, who promptly screamed before bolting away and then returning with a slightly taller equine. The blatant sapience written across their features was the first of many pieces of shrapnel to become lodged in his brain over the course of the next few hours.

This slightly taller creature made itself known as Twilight Sparkle, the ruler of the land upon which he had been plopped.

As one might expect, he freaked out at first, believing himself to either be dreaming or hallucinating something fierce, and so he promptly ran up to the purple unicorn thing and mashed the features of her face with his hands. As one would do in that situation.

After thusly experiencing the power of magic first-hand, he calmed down somewhat and eventually worked with these 'ponies' - as she had insisted they were called - to get himself situated and start a new life.

Not like he had much of a choice in the matter.

For many people, these circumstances may have been a blessing. But not for Anon.

He had left behind a loving family and a successful career - a fact that haunted his steps and nipped at his heels every time he lumbered through the town's many cobbled streets.

But he managed, and wound up with his new pony friends literally building an entire house around his room, after it had been teleported into the local town.

... Yeah, this was all probably just a coma dream or something. Or maybe not. Whatever.

Regardless, he had scored himself a cute little house on the outskirts of town, sitting just down the road from the town's centre - he certainly wasn't going to complain about free stuff. But he still couldn't shake the odd feeling he got when he looked down at himself in the open light of day.

The town's name was 'Ponyville'. Anon still rolled his eyes every time he heard the word. Twilight had responded excitedly when he announced that he came from 'Humanville', but he was only able to keep that one up for a few weeks before she found out.

Oh well. Worth a try.

"Anon, it's important! You can't stay cooped up in there forever..." meweled Twilight, once again tearing him back to the present.

Anon groaned, slumping in his desk chair and flipping on his computer, doing his utmost to block out the noise.

Turns out that little purple leader horse was pretty smart, and had managed to get his electronics working through some kind of carefully-monitored magical, electric inputs... Or something like that. She had worked on it for many careful days before making a breakthrough; but ultimately, she was far more excited about it than he was.

In fact, he almost wished he'd elected to destroy the thing before she ever got her hooves on it in the first place.

He had quickly discovered this world's seeming lack of true crime and violence, as well as its excessively happy environment, and while it was nice...

Anon shook his head. It was Friday - there were better things to think about right now.

Speaking of which, this wasn't just any old Friday. It was Valentine's Day weekend. Or, as the ponies liked to call it, 'Hearts and Hooves Day' weekend. The fact that they had alternative versions of most holidays from his home world still utterly bewildered him.

If he was being honest, he was not looking forward to the holiday. Not at all.

Valentine's had never been a friendly time for singles back on Earth, and he figured the exact same would apply here. In fact, the holiday had sucked back on Earth even whenever he wasn't single.

It's not that he wasn't interested in dating, or anything like that. He'd been in magical pony world for just shy of a year now, and could easily admit that he found the vast majority of the local mares easy on the eyes. Oddly easy on the eyes, actually. At least, compared to how picky he was back home.

Since these 'ponies' looked nothing like any creature he had seen before, perhaps the allure of the exotic pervaded all dimensions.

In truth, he didn't really know or care. He wanted love and companionship, and was more than fine to accept a mare for that. It was as simple as that, really. But...

Anon found his gaze drifting to the shadowy space lingering beneath his bed.

He sighed and rubbed his temples, telling himself he just needed to be patient. He was an alien, so it was obvious that he would have a hard time finding love; he'd had a hard time fitting in at all. Finding something real had been an impossible task even back home, so what was the point in trying particularly hard here?

"Anon!"

A final booming knock at the door pushed Anon to his limit, and so he hopped to his feet and stormed over to answer it.

To his dismay, he was greeted with the expected tiny purple sperg-ball waiting for him on the other side of the thick, oaken door. How could a door so thick be so utterly useless at keeping the noise out?

Neither of the two said anything at first, allowing a silence to bounce between the pair in a rapidly intensifying game of chicken.

"Hey, Anon!" Twilight chirped after twenty full seconds of silence, almost granting the man airtime. Anon quickly settled down and inwardly grinned to himself in victory.

"'Sup, nerd?" replied Anon, leaning against his doorframe. Twilight responded by looking down and scuffing a hoof on the dirt paving outside his door. Anon cocked an eyebrow at this. "Uh, you alright there, Spergle? You were awful confident in rapping on my door for the past ten minutes."

Anon's brow retreated back to its home upon her reply. "Ugh, Anon... You know how I feel about those nicknames. I'm still your princess, you know!"

"Sorry, shortstack." Twilight gritted her teeth and puffed her chest in an effort to stand as tall as possible, but Anon pretended not to notice. "So, what brings you here? I'm not selling any human textbook subscription services just yet."

Twilight stretched even taller and her eyes mimicked her namesake. "Y-Yet...?!"

"No, Twilight. Joke, Twilight. Here," said Anon, beckoning her inside, "come inside so I can help cure you of your autism." He meandered into his kitchen and Twilight visibly deflated.

She remained by the door and instead leaned to look inside. "Oh, no no, it's fine. I was only here for a quick visit... Besides, you can't cure-" Her eyes widened in alarm.

Anon walked back through from his kitchen into the hall, holding a large wooden chopping board. Her eyes somehow gained an even greater diameter when she noticed him slapping it against his palm like a paddle.

"It's alright, Cap. This'll only take a second. C'mere," said Anon, with a restrained grin. Twilight scrambled away from him and stumbled over the ridge of the adjacent cobblestone path.

Upon gracefully landing on her back, she flailed her legs for a moment before blinking herself back to her hooves with a flash of her horn. Anon couldn't help but bust out in a belly-laugh.

With her cheeks blazing in embarassment, Twilight stomped her front hooves together like a veteran soldier and glared up at him without lifting her chin.

What was she trying to do, kill him with sudden-onset diabetes?

"Anon!" Her shout was enough to calm his laughter and have him place the makeshift paddle down. "I came here to give you something nice. Would it hurt you to just not goof around for a couple minutes?"

Anon rubbed at his shoulder and sucked in a sharp breath with a wince. "Eesh, I-I don't know, Twilight. I have a pretty low pain tolera-"

"-Anon," growled Twilight. The dangerous tone of her voice caused the human to push his palms through the air towards her in surrender.

"Alright, alright. What do you have for me?"

Twilight took a breath. "As you know, Hearts and Hooves Day is coming up on Sunday. So, I just wanted to know if you have any plans for it."

Silence once again dominated their small slice of rural ponyland, until Anon smacked his lips and cupped a finger and thumb beneath his chin. "... Are you hittin' on me, Sprinkles?"

Twilight gasped in alarm and began not only shaking her head, but wafting her hoof before her chin as well. "No no no no no no no no, absolutely not!"

Anon inwardly breathed a sigh of relief and said, "What's that supposed to mean?!"

"Well it's just that I'm the princess, and I have duties, so I'm busy all the time; I have so much to do that I wouldn't be able to do my due diligence as anypony's marefriend right now, and-"

"-I get it, Twilight. Yes, that makes sense, so please don't keep trying to explain it to me further." He went quiet for a moment and raised his eyebrows, as though daring her to try. She pursed her lips and stared him in the eye. He sighed and slumped back against his doorframe. "That's one way to make a guy feel rejected without him even confessing anything, Nerdle. You truly are a pioneer."

Twilight deadpanned and opened her mouth to reply, but before any sound could come out, Anon continued, "So was that my gift?" The drone of his voice spurred Twilight to clear her throat.

"Actually, no," stated Twilight. Anon screamed internally. "I came to let you know that there's a speed-dating event going on tomorrow at the Bowl 'n Bowl."

"Okay, cool - I don't car-"

"-And that I already signed you up for it on your behalf. As your princess." Anon's death glare was met with the most punchably smug expression he had ever seen on a technicolour pony. "It's designed for participants to find a match and then plan a date for the following day - Hearts and Hooves Day. We have the event every year, you see."

Twilight's tone of voice almost brought out Anon's inner strangler, but he decided to spare her lithe neck for now. He growled and then shouted, "MAN there are so many words I want to call you right now that you wouldn't even understand, you little purple pr..." His caged profanity turned to a grunt. "Why would you do this to me?!"

"You're welcome," chirped Twilight. Anon's eye twitched. "Did you forget that your 'bros' are my personal guards? I know how much you want a marefriend; so, as your princess and your friend, I figured I'd help you out." As Twilight struck a subtle pose, Anon felt an extremely heavy straw scrape along the ridges of his spine.

Those stallions were as good as dead.

"Besides," she continued, "I know you'd sign up for it anyway if I just told you about it, so I saved you the trouble. I knew you wouldn't have any plans already."

"Yeah, right." Anon folded his arms and sighed.

"I know I am."

"So what am I supposed to do?" asked Anon. "Besides not showing up, of course, what with all those other plans I have and all."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "All you need to do is go to the event, dressed as nicely as you can..." She looked him up and down and cringed.

Anon tsked and tapped his fingers to his hips. "Don't deck the slacks, yo."

Twilight looked off to the side, bringing a hoof to her temple before slowly pulling it away from her head with a bewildered expression. "Anon," she hissed. "What does that even mean?!"

Anon sniffed and casually flicked his eyebrows at her in reply.

Twilight sighed and watched a distant pony load some melons onto a cart. Those were big melons... Anon followed her gaze before snapping his fingers in front of her face. She blinked owlishly and then said, "Uh, look. Just show up and try to be normal. Mingle, and show those mares the kindness I know is in there somewhere. I've seen it in you before."

Anon groaned. "Whatever. Don't you have princess crap to go and do now?"

"Anon, just try not to worry about it. It'll be easy - just like back in your old world. Ponies around here already know you by now, anyway."

"Yeah..." Anon looked over his shoulder at his bed and swallowed. "... Just like on Earth. Right." Twilight took a couple of steps back.

"Good luck, Anon. I'll check on you as soon as I can to see how it went."

"Great," slurred Anon. "I can't wait." With a flash, Twilight was gone.

Anon noticed his letterbox had seemingly been half-flattened again, and so leaned down with a sigh and attempted to stick it back in the soil once more. After a few attempts, he gave up and let it rest against his wall for now.

Turning back to his door, Anon cracked his knuckles and staggered back inside. Lucky for him, he'd already planned to meet up with the boys today, anyway.

As Anon lounged on a bench that was far too small for him beside the fountain in Ponyville's square, his knuckles were left on ice. These ponies were simply too adorable for their fury. Yes, even the stallions.

"What about that one, Anon?" asked a cream-coloured pegasus stallion with a short blue mane that had been slicked back. His flank was emblazoned with a golden heart looped by a string.

Anon glanced over at the mare in question - a small grey pegasus with bubbles adorning her flanks. She flittered through the air erratically, causing nearby ponies to flinch away whenever she drew close. Her eyes were lopsided, appearing to have some kind of physical defect. He recognised her as the local mailmare, though they had never spoken.

"Smash," muttered Anon as he bit into a pink ring donut with only red sprinkles. There simply was no other way.

"Really? What's wrong with you, dude?" replied the stallion around a mouthful of his own donut.

"Also, hold up - 'that one'?" questioned Anon. "Congratulations, Tide Prowler, you somehow managed to make this game even more objectifying than it already is." He took another bite of his donut and paused before screwing up his face. He then continued to speak with food still in his mouth. "God, your parentsh musht have hated you, dude."

"Anon, I'd really prefer if you didn't share your donut with the rest of us, lad," grumbled a much burlier earth stallion with a muted green coat and a short brown mane. He sat to Anon's left, and his cutie mark depicted a cinder block filled with what looked like strawberry gello. Anon had never asked him why.

"And he's right, Prowler," continued the larger stallion. "Those mares are individuals with thoughts, feelings and emotions that you're ogling at and making sexually-charged judgements about..." He cracked open his bottle of cider. "... But yeah. Smash."

Prowler blanched at that and then wordlessly signalled his forehooves to the mare as she slammed into a store's hanging sign. Upon receiving no response, he sighed, "You two are weirdos, I swear."

"Yeah? Well at least my name doesn't sound like something I gave myself!" jabbed Anon.

"Uh, actually, yeah - it does!" retorted Prowler.

Anon grumbled and aggressively waved the back of his hand at the stallion. He then finished off his donut before licking his fingertips clean as Prowler watched him with disgust. Anon caught him staring and said, "What? You want a private show, princess?"

Once Anon began making obtuse, vaguely-explicit imagery using his fingers, the larger stallion laughed and broke the tension. "Alright colts, that's enough. You're even now."

"And you, Rumble. You have a wife, dude," pleaded Anon. "Why are you even playing this game, let alone saying 'smash'?" Anon grabbed a blueberry muffin from Prowler's box. "You do realise that Prowler is here, right? I'd prefer not to receive your head in the mail from your wifey next week."

"By Celestia, Anon, where do you get all these horrifying ideas from?" yacked Prowler with a visual cringe. "And those are my muffins!" Anon slunked back into his seat and didn't respond. Prowler and Rumble shared a look.

"You alright, son?" grumbled Rumble.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know... You've seemed even grumpier than usual, lately. Is something going on?"

Prowler interjected and said, "Does it have something to do with the fact you said 'smash' to every single mare we've seen...?"

"Don't make me smack you, spandex queen," replied Anon.

"...Or something to do with the upcoming holiday? And a certain event surrounding it?"

Anon's veins ran cold and his eyes half-lidded. Prowler grinned back at him with a face the perfect picture of innocence.

"No," growled the human.

Rumble sat back and downed the rest of his fizzling cider. His resulting belch sliced through the tension and grabbed Anon's attention. "So," said Rumble, wiping his muzzle, "have you had any experience with the ladies? The ones from your old world, that is."

Anon's shoulders came forward and he leaned his elbows on his knees, pushing the shadows from his mind. Instinctively, he began to shake his head, but freezed shortly thereafter.

The stallions waited for him to speak. "Well, actually... I do have some experience, yeah. A few girlfriends - one long term." Anon rubbed the back of his ear before continuing. "She was a hot goth chick, but... She was a little too much for me."

Prowler's eyes widened and he stammered, "Hey, d-did you ever find a portal that leads back to your old world?"

Rumble jolted forward in his seat and snarled at Prowler. "What sort of question is that? You know Anon hasn't found anything."

Anon patted Rumble on the shoulder and said, "It's fine." He then returned his attention to Prowler. "You'd probably like her, Toweler. But don't you have a date planned for tomorrow?"

Prowler waved him off and said, "Hey, it'd be awesome to date an alien mare, y'know? And a goth, at that? Heck yeah!"

Anon laughed and cracked open a bottle. He tilted one towards Rumble, and the stallion nodded. Anon tossed Rumble the drink and replied, "Prowler, dude, you're hopeless. And she isn't a mare - she's a woman. Didn't you pay attention in the spergmeister's mandatory human class?" He took a bite of Prowler's muffin.

"Hey, watch it. That's my princess you're bad-mouthing," scolded Rumble. Anon rolled his eyes with a dismissive raspberry.

Prowler stepped down from the bench and placed a hoof on Anon's knee, leaning up into the human's face. Anon screwed up his nose and said, "Hell no, Cupcake; I'm not in the mood tonight."

"Anon, Princess Twilight has given us very strict orders," purred Prowler. Anon sighed. "We're to help you get ready for that event and make sure it goes smoothly for you. So you better do as we say. Right, Rumble?"

"He's not wrong, sport. By order of Her Majesty," replied Rumble with a sagely nod.

"So, your first and only port of call before the event is Rarity," continued Prowler. "She's already in the know, so just show up before the event and she'll get you spruced up."

"I know how to dress myself, skidmark."

Prowler pushed up his lower lip and tugged down the corners of his mouth. "Clearly."

Some remaining nearby ponies slowed down to watch Prowler and Anon's oddly intimate-looking exchange, prompting Anon to shake him off his knees. "Whatever. I'll do it." Prowler and Rumble shared another knowing look.

Anon stood up from the bench, drink in hand as he towered above the stallions. The square was mostly empty now, leaving a near-silent breeze to fill the audible space.

Without a word, Anon finished his muffin and set off walking back towards his home on the outskirts of Ponyville. The gentle orange glow of the setting sun cascaded around the fountain, some of its shadow clinging to Anon as he walked past. "... And thanks. For helping me. And stuff," muttered Anon.

Prowler laughed to himself and shouted, "We heard that!!!"

Anon picked up his pace without looking back.

Anon clinked the door to his home shut and took a deep breath. He sat back at his computer and prepared to work on the diary he had been keeping since his arrival in Equestria. Supposedly, Twilight was trying to reverse-engineer his computer, so Lord knows how long it would be before his old girl wasn't so unique anymore.

She even offered him a cut of the profits, but he had declined. It didn't feel right to gain profit from an invention he had no part in creating in either world.

A sharp prickling feeling creaked up his back; the shadows reaching from beneath his bed tapped his shoulders and begged for his attention. Anon tried his best to ignore them, but their caresses and whispers sank icy-cold barbs into his flesh.

Anon whipped around in a sweat, his breath having grown laboured. He cursed himself for feeling surprised at the fact he was, in fact, alone.

He shook his head and returned to his computer, hands trembling.

Just as he returned to typing, he noticed a letter on the left side of his desk sealed with a suspiciously familiar insignia. Said insignia immediately dispelled any fear of intruders in his home. It was tied to a small wrapped package with some golden string.

He snatched the letter and tore it open with rugged breaths, preparing himself for the worst. The letter read:

Dear my favorite monkey creature, Anonymous,

I hope this message finds you well. As you are no doubt aware, I am awfully busy in my retirement, and so will be unable to make your acquaintance this Hearts and Hooves Day.

It has come to my attention that you have been feeling lonely, Anonymous, and this - this simply will not do. In celebration of this most heart-warming holiday, I have included a token of appreciation, from me to you.

I do hope it touches you, and helps keep you company this Hearts and Hooves Day.

It would probably be best if you opened this gift on Sunday in the company of others, so that they may share in your unbridled joy and merriment. Ideally Twilight and the rest of the elements. Make sure it's them. And as many other mares as possible.

Bye.

Celestia,

Retired Princess of the Sun

Anon sighed and cradled his head with a hand. The last part of that letter grew increasingly shaky, so he knew better than to trust its lies. Sunbutt was probably pissing herself laughing when she wrote that. Seems she even forgot how to finish a letter properly.

Well, he knew better. They'd pranked other ponies (and each other) enough times over the past year for him to know a setup when he saw one.

Like hell he would consider opening that 'gift' in front of Twilight and all their mutual friends. In fact, he'd open it right that very moment, alone, two whole days before the day it was meant to be opened.

Anon rubbed his hands together in excited consideration of the heinous act.

His fingers fumbled with the immaculately-packaged present. It was flat, much like the letter itself, but somewhat thicker. Anon prized the remaining wrapping away, and...

He froze. Slowly, he lifted the object before his crackling visage. There, held before him in all its glory in hands he could have sworn were not his own, was a magazine.

Its title read: 'Playcolt'.

Several things then swooped and rattled through Anon's brain, yanking at its worming creases like yipping monkies swinging from grape-flavoured vines. Now that was a visual image that would remain forever hidden from the former Princess of the Sun, even if she blasted his cranium to pieces in order to pick through for it.

His gut reaction to the magazine was to scoff in disbelief, his eyes repeatedly scanning its unbelievable title. There was simply no way this could be a coincidence, right?

What's more, his incendiary gaze would have drifted down to the neatly folded letter now lying closed on his desk and set it ablaze if it weren't for the cover of the magazine itself.

Anon had seen ponies naked before. Heck, they ran around every damn day in their birthday suits for the world to see - but something about the mare on the cover of this magazine felt different.

Perhaps it was the socks, the bridle and bit, or the copious amounts of makeup, but seeing this neon pink mare dressed in such a way made her seem... More naked than any pony he had seen before. He hadn't seen anything like it since he arrived.

By all accounts, it didn't make sense.

Realising he was staring, Anon slung the magazine across the room as though it had stung him and he just about swallowed down a verbal apology directed at the static printed image on its cover.

His brain bubbled and simmered and his nails dug into his palms as he peered down at that folded letter. With speed that would have made Rainbow Dash jealous, Anon whipped a quill and parchment from one of his desk's drawers, planning to tell Celestia exactly what he thought about her 'gift'.

... But before he did, he put his fury aside for a moment and retrieved the fallen magazine. It was undamaged, causing Anon to release a held breath - a fact that he would never admit to any tall, white, overweight sun horses.

With great care, Anon crawled over his bed and rolled up the magazine. He then carefully slid it in the spot where his bed met the back wall of his room, until it was almost completely out of view.

Anon's eyes swivelled back to the parchment that lay spread and waiting for him upon his desk. His fingers wriggled above the holster on his hip, ready to draw.

The next morning, Anon stormed up towards Twilight's castle, letter in hand. Its ominous aura drew glares from mare and stallion alike. Prowler and Rumble were on the door today, clad in their silly little guard outfits.

"Wow. Shimmering as ever I see, fillies," complimented Anon, with all the honesty of a truck driver asking to quickly use your bathroom.

Prowler chinked his spear across the grand entryway of the castle and said, "Castle's closed today, citizen."

Anon responded by sticking the friendly finger up and down while making obscene farting noises that increased in volume the higher he lifted it.

"Oh, yeah. You're gonna be a hit with the ladies tonight for sure, son..." sighed Rumble.

Prowler sucked in his lips and glanced around at the nearby locals, a bead of sweat slinking down his coat. Several ponies slowed to watch their exchange, with even a couple of snickers grating at his ears. As Anon pushed his torso into the side of the spear and flopped through the door, Prowler was very nearly taken with it.

Anon placed his hands on his hips as Rumble muttered something about exemplary guardspony work beyond the rapidly closing double doors. In no time at all, he spotted just the creature he was hoping to see.

"You there. Little dragon buddy. How's it going?"

Spike performed his best imitation of prey to a Zamboni, a large bowl held within his stubby claws. "Uh... Castle's closed today, Anon," he said, attempting to hide the bowl behind his body. "Yup."

"Nonesense - the castle's 'never closed to you, Anon!'" mimicked the human, pushing up glasses he wasn't even wearing. Spike winced at the attempted impression of his adoptive sister. "So I walked right on in, and by the looks of it..." Anon eyeballed the drake's bowl of gems. "...Right on time."

"What do you want?" sighed Spike. "I'm not sending Celestia another thirty pieces of 'ancient human lore'. My back can't take it."

"I'll have you know that she loved my sculptures." Anon folded his arms. "Probably keeps at least one of 'em under her bed or in the little dresser alongside her dentures. That horse is so freaking bored, dude."

"Celestia is a kind mare, so just leave her alone," muttered Spike.

"Yeah, 'kind'. Real nice lady. Definitely." Anon pointed to Spike's bowl. "Say, can I borrow a couple of those? I've got a hot date tonight."

"No, Anon - you don't." Spike slapped a claw and pulled it down his face. "Please, just tell me what you want. And like I said, I'm not sending the princess any more of your weird mushroom sculptures."

Anon deadpanned at the wall behind Spike for a few moments, his lips caging an explosion that would likely decorate the room with his teeth. After sucking in a lungful to dampen the fuse, Anon held out the letter to Spike and said, "Dear Princess Celestia."

"She's got you writing those, too? Oh, dude, I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry about it. They only lasted three months before one of her replies covered my entire room in glitter. It's a slippery slope from there, my little reptilian friend."

Spike grabbed the letter and quickly barfed his dragonfire over it, evaporating it instantly. "There; done. I hope Celestia enjoys whatever it is you're telling her, or... Whatever that 'letter' does. Later." Spike threw a gem into his maw and slunked away from Anon with the giant bowl resting on his little bubble gut.

"Thanks, champ. See ya around," said Anon. Spike lifted a claw in wordless response.

Anon gulped down a chunk of something.

Legendary detectives would weave webs of intricate implications and paths of induction that they would swear on their lives could ascertain the true nature of Anon's gulped chunk, but for what? What could be gained from a chunk, other than a sense of sheer dread upon discovering its root cause?

Anon's gaze flickered up and down the domineering building. Its eccentric design, intricate and beautiful, did little to calm his nerves. Usually, he would be glad to see its owner - the apple of every stallion's eye, Rarity.

She was a lovely girl. With her ever-generous nature and surprising level of receptiveness to Anon's appearance, the human had no reason to fear this little white pony.

That is, unless she needs him to play dress-up. Oh, how she loves to play dress-up with him. So few opportunities had she to work with the form of a biped that she crawled down his throat every time he walked into town for the first few months after his sudden appearance.

The closest thing he could liken the experience to would be going to a clothing store with one's mother as a child, always watching the exit and praying - praying that she wouldn't run into any friends or colleagu-

WHAM

"Oh there you are, darling! I've been waiting for you! Let's get you all dappered up, like a good gentlecolt. You've got a big night tonight, or so I've heard."

Anon felt his knees buckle; this had been a mistake. Like he said to Prowler earlier - he knew how to dress himself. Yeah. It wasn't too late to just go home and dig through his wardrobe.

With his mind set, his survival instincts kicked into overdrive and propelled his legs to move. And yet, after just a couple of steps, they would move no further. What was going...

To Anon's horror, a light blue glow surrounded his lower body, anchoring him to the spot. As he wrestled to break free, Rarity's beautiful face strained and she bit her lower lip in focus.

"C-Come on in, darling... I made you a brand... New... Suit!"

With each scrape along the floor, Anon did not shout. He did not scream. He merely folded his arms across his chest and allowed himself to be swallowed by the gaping jaws of the carousel, destined to be made one with it and endlessly spin around its perimeter with a pole driven through his skull.

... Okay, maybe he was being dramatic again.

While his skull remained un-poled, he later found himself standing outside of the boutique once more, dressed to impress in a black suit with a white shirt and red tie. It was simple, but it worked. He could certainly admit that he looked 'dapper', as Rarity kept putting it - for three hours.

"Thanks, Rarity. Really." Anon fiddled with his collar, and Rarity slapped his hand away with her magic before fixing it herself. "This stuff takes a while, but you never fail to live up to your reputation. Are you really sure you don't want me to pay for this suit? Seems expensive..."

"Well you flatter me, darling. Always the very best for my friends. You don't have to pay me back for the suit. I won't hear any more about it."

Anon knew better than to push a 'refined lady' who was insisting to give him something for free. Or maybe it was a mind game and she wanted him to kiss her hooves. Nah, she was nice - probably definitely just being nice. Anon shrugged, pinching his fingertips close to his pocket square with a teasing smirk.

Rarity's glare wiped the smirk off his face, leaving the human to back away from her and retreat down the cobbled path towards his destination. In an uncanny moment of facial distortion, her expression brightened at lightning speed, and she waved at him with a hoof.

"Best of luck to you, darling! You simply must come and tell me all about it next week. That's an order!" she sing-songed.

"O-Okay... Bye, Rarity!" Anon turned and started walking directly away from the boutique. He once again almost dared to fiddle with his outfit, but he was not yet out of eyeshot of the marshmallow mare's place of work. Electing to walk like a robot until he turned the corner, Anon took a deep breath once in a safe place. Setting his brow, he made his way across town.

Well, it was time for the main event. Anon tugged at his collar and wiped his brow as he approached the Bowl n' Bowl. It seemed lively in there, which was likely a good thing. Background babble always made things less awkward, right? If the cream-coloured commando wasn't pulling his leg, then he and Rumble should be...

"Hey there, sport," announced Rumble, approaching Anon and slapping him on his lower back.

"Oh. Hey, guys. Good to see you." replied Anon, staring directly at the front doors of the venue.

Both stallions screwed up their faces. "Uh... What?" Prowler questioned with a tilt of his head.

"I said it's good to see you." Anon shuffled in place. "Should we go in, or...? What do we do?"

"Yo, chill out. You're a little late, so we won't get time for drinks until after the event, but uh. Yeah. Let's go."

Anon ignored Prowler's attempts to pull at his arm and instead turned to Rumble and asked, "Did you see if there's a place to sign in, or something? I don't even know if you guys took a look inside, yet. Also if the dudes are hot, I'm screwed."

Rumble took note of the glistening beads of sweat dripping down Anon's forehead. He understood that these events can be nerve-wracking - but even then, Anon's reaction seemed a little extreme.

"Son, look at me," said Rumble, demanding Anon's full attention. Anon stopped fiddling with his collar and looked the burly stallion in the eye. "Just get your flank in there and be yourself."

Prowler laughed out loud at that, earning him a glare from Rumble. "I mean it, kid. Just be yourself. If you try to be anypony else, you might find something, but it won't be a something worth somethin'."

"Woah, that's so wise, Rumble. Sometimes I forget that you're the old fogey of our little dynamic trio," quipped Prowler. Rumble roughly grabbed the smaller stallion and shoved him through the door, prompting Anon to follow.

"Walk up to the mare with the short, fluffy yellow mane and blue coat. Ask her to sign in. Can't miss her," said Rumble, just loud enough to be audible over the music and chatter of the venue. "We'll be in the bar close by. Knock 'em dead, sport."

Prowler opened his mouth to add something, but Rumble once again shoved him, this time deeper into the bar area of the establishment. Anon stood stock-still and swivelled his head, soaking in his surroundings.

"What's gotten into him...?" whispered prowler.

"I'm not sure either of us could ever hope to understand that, Prowler." replied Rumble, taking a seat at one of the booths across from the bar.

Prowler took a seat next to him and replied, "What do you mean by that? I'm pretty sure we've both been to this event at some point in our lives."

"Have you ever been thrown into a world full of alien creatures, being only one of your kind in existence, and tried to compete with those aliens for their prospective mates?"

"Oh..."

Rumble tapped the table with a heavy thud and said, "That's my guess, but you and I both know how hard it is to know what's really going on in that lad's head." Rumble moved to stand from his seat. "First round's on me. What're you drinking, son?"

Anon was cold. The venue was quite a nice ambient temperature, despite how busy it was; but without his friends by his side, he had frozen solid. It was like someone had stripped him of all his clothing, dunked him in an ice bath and then left him outside a random couple's wedding.

The venue sported sweeping, cascading curtains of gold that trickled down its light red walls, tied up in an arrangement that allowed those outside to peer in, and those inside to maybe give them a wave or something.

The entire space was split into three areas - a bowling alley, a bar and a restaurant. It seemed the restaurant area had been repurposed for the night's speed dating event, judging by the aggressively-positioned tables and chairs.

All three spaces of the venue were divided by partitions that came up to Anon's hip, with the last quadrant taken up by the bar and concealed area behind it. The partitions were made of an admittedly beautiful-looking deep brown oak that had been polished to perfection.

He had no idea how they maintained that level of polish, considering how dirty people often were with things like that. But then again, ponies seemed to be cleaner than humans ever were. Or perhaps it's just magic.

It's usually just magic.

Anon sighed and straightened his tie, risking a glance over at his buddies. Prowler was greedily chugging a cider as Rumble caught Anon's eye. Rumble winked at him and nudged his head, and as though he had strings attached between his neck and Anon's waist, Anon felt his legs forced to move.

The mare he was supposed to approach certainly stood out, standing on a small waiter's podium in the restaurant area as she was.

To the surprise of nobody, Anon was given a bit of a berth as he crossed the dividing hallway-like space between the different partitions and approached the unicorn mare.

"Hi," murmured Anon, doing his best to ignore the shadows beckoning him towards the exit. The mare lifted her head from the list she was perusing and gave him a wide smile, causing her wild yellow mane to jiggle.

"Well hi there, erm... Anon, was it?" the mare said as she cocked an eyebrow at him, her smile dimming and yet not at all disappearing.

"How did you know?" chuckled Anon.

"Oh, well isn't that a mystery?!" she giggled before continuing. "Feel free to take a seat with the oth- uh, with the stallions over there, hun." She signalled over to an area Anon could only liken to a war bunker, with all its soldiers sitting silently in anticipation of the upcoming battle. "We're just waiting on a couple more guests to arrive, so we'll be starting soon if they don't show up. You know; cold hooves, and all that."

Anon blinked a few times and asked, "... Am I the only non-pony here?"

"For tonight's event?" Anon nodded. "I think so, hun. We've had a few non-pony participants in the past, though."

"Oh, okay... Thanks."

"No problem," she chirped, holding out a forehoof in presentation of his competition.

With that, Anon walked around the mare's podium and approached the stallions. Once he sat down, the small stallion he plopped next to looked up at him with a polite smile. Anon gave him a brief one in return, only for the stallion to shuffle away from him by a few inches when he thought he was no longer looking. Anon's smile wavered.

A couple of the stallions attempted to start a conversation with each other, but it always fizzled out moments later. He can't blame them for trying, but it seemed none of these stallions got the memo about just relaxing and being themselves.

Anon got a good look at the stallions, and was unsurprised to find them all well-presented and good-looking. Almost everyone from this sunshine and rainbows world looked aesthetically pleasing, for some reason. He sighed.

Some of them were even dressed up, like him, which was nice. It brought him little comfort, however. He spared a glance over at the mares, but thankfully found little of note. They all passed his visual requirements, obviously, and none of them appeared to be giving him any stink-eye. Perhaps they simply hadn't noticed him yet.

He recognised a few of them from around town. Unlike the stallions, the mares appeared much more alert, and ready to bite each other on a dime. He noticed a few of them throwing dirty looks at their competition, as though it would somehow do them any good. The behavior difference was likely due to the messed up gender ratio, he mused.

Of the mares present, he recognised Berry Punch from his welcome party, and just about any other party he had been to since he arrived. She appeared only slightly inebriated, which was an good sign. He also recognised that one musician pony with the silky black mane and a treble clef on her flanks - she would no doubt be a popular pick.

Then there was the clumsy mailmare who had seemingly been afraid of him for at least the first few months of his being here. She was looking down at her lap and fiddling with her hooves with a furrowed brow, looking up at the other mares around her as though they might beat the life out of her at any moment. Poor girl.

Anon's thoughts were interrupted by a tapping noise. The babble of the entire establishment lessened, but did not silence. The mare from the podium had seemingly teleported her makeshift throne before the two groups of attendees for the event. After clearing her voice, she gave them a rundown.

"Welcome, everypony! My name is Sunshine Blotch, and I will be your host for tonight. We here at the Bown n' Bowl love hosting this little event every year just as much as you love attending it." She lifted a hoof into the air. "So, here's how this is gonna work, lovelies..."

She placed a hoof to her fluffy chest before continuing. "The stallions will seat themselves in a row over there." She signalled over to the chairs along the edge of the venue. "And the mares will rotate through the seats across from them. This is speed dating, so you only get a few minutes with each partner - when the bell rings, you mares have to switch. So don't go getting too clingy right off the bat!"

This was met with a few nervous chuckles. Anon rubbed at the corners of his mouth with a finger and thumb before running a hand through his hair...

Oh.

A couple of the stallions snickered as Anon attempted to wipe the sticky gel from his hand onto the velvet seat beside him.

The mare continued, "At the end of the session, you will all receive a card to fill out. We'll collect those cards and make your matches. It's as simple as that."

"Here," one of the stallions across and to his left whispered to him, holding out a napkin with a small smile.

"Oh, n-no it's okay. I already have-" Anon felt his chest pocket, only to find his precious new pocket square missing. As he stared at the napkin being somehow pinched at the end of the stallion's hoof, the gears in his brain spluttered made the connection. "Ah, thanks. Hah."

"No worries, pal." The stallion leaned back into his seat.

"So, without further ado - relax and enjoy yourselves. Drinks are provided tonight, on us!" shouted Sunshine. There was a small cheer from everypony present, alongside a few grumbles from the bar area.

"Stallions, take your seats."

There they were. The words he'd been dreading. An occasional crash from the nearby bowling alley did little to ease his nerves.

All of the males stood up and filed down the edge of the restaurant area in a forebodingly uniform manner. As Anon stood against the wall and moved to take his seat, he half expected a full squad of uniformed men to burst through the door and aim their flintlock rifles down from across the table.

"Okay, and now for the mares. Please take your seats."

For the briefest of moments, as the first mare sat down in the chair across from him, he almost wished he'd been right.

A Flurry of Hearts That Move

Anon fidgeted in his seat.

The mare sitting across from him had a lilac coat and a deep pink mane with eyes hued to match. As she scanned up and down his torso with uncertainty, Anon felt an overwhelming urge to cover himself.

He recognised this mare as Berry Punch, a pony he had only met a small handful of times. But hey, at least they were already acquainted.

The man hunched his shoulders forward and interlocked his fingers, unable to meet her gaze.

Come on, Anon, say something! He didn't dare look to check if his friends were watching him be a complete and total wuss.

Why couldn't he say anything? Why had she still not said anything, either?

Anon's eye twitched and his toes curled. Perhaps he wasn't cut out for this. The exit was right over there. He was sure none of them would mind. In fact, he would probably be doing Berry a favour by taking himself out of the running this very moment - spare her the last few minutes of awkwardness.

Berry raised a brow at the miriad of emotions smearing across Anon's face like armadillos on a freeway.

"Uh, hey?" she said, slowly.

Anon flinched, subconsciously checking himself for any gaping bullet wounds. After discovering his proud desk-bod to be unharmed, he slowly turned his head back to face Berry directly. Did she say something?

His response was something straddling the thin line between a gargle and a whimper, causing Berry to snicker into a hoof. Either she was more drunk than she appeared, or he was simply a born winner.

Mom had always told him he'd be popular with the ladies. What sort of loser ignores the wisdom of his own mother? He wasn't in bad shape, and had always been told he was pretty decent-looking. And yes, the people telling him that did include people who aren't his mother.

Maybe this wouldn't be so bad, after all.

With newfound confidence, Anon took a swig of his... Grapejuice? Really? Looks like the mares got something green in colour for their drinks, and while green liquids aren't typically very inviting - it wasn't grapejuice, so it was most definitely better than the liquid torture he had been given.

Anon attempted to weave a silvertongued masterpiece, but his visceral reaction to the grapejuice landed his voicebox in the swampy mudman zone, and so it instead projected as an embarassing splutter.

Berry laughed out loud this time and said, "You alright there, buddy? Cough it up; I'll wait. Plenty of time on my hooves, here."

"S-Sorry, Berry..." Anon wiped his lips with the cuff of his suit, much to the dismay of a now distant screeching fashionista.

"Oh hey, you remember my name. Now there's a start." Berry leaned an elbow on the table and cradled her head against a hoof. "You know - you never got to answer that one thing I asked you that one time at that one place." The slur in her voice made that sentence roll off her tongue just as eloquently as it would have looked in writing.

Anon looked left and right and waited for her to explain further. When she continued to smirk at him, he folded and said, "... Which is?"

"What are you?"

Anon let go of a breath and briefly wriggled his upper lip. "You mean I didn't tell you that I'm a human? Why wouldn't I tell you that?"

"No no, you said that. I think." Berry paused in a failed effort to contain something between a burp and a hiccup. "You just never told me what that means. You look like a hairless monkey or something."

The blatant sincerity in her announcement would have drooped Anon's ears, had they the physical ability. He elected to sink further into his chair instead. He knew she meant nothing by it, but...

The urge to harden his shell yanked on his joints like the strings of a puppet. Anon strummed his fingers along the table and murmured, "I'm not a monkey... I'm a man."

Completely missing his tone, Berry leaned across the table and asked, "Oooh... What's a 'man'?" Anon sighed again. This isn't how this was supposed to go.

"A man is a human male," he said, quickly. He then swallowed his accumulated spittle before continuing, "So, what do you like to do for fun?"

Berry leaned back in her seat, seemingly disappointed with his abrupt answer. "I like to drink 'n stuff." She glanced at the drink in her hoof as though she just now noticed it was there. "Woohoo!" She raised the drink up to Anon, and he humoured her, clinking it with his own.

As she greedily gulped her own concoction, Anon pushed the glass to his lips and tipped it up without taking in any of the repugnant fluid.

"I see. That's cool, I guess," said Anon. He waited for her to do say something more, but when she merely blinked at him, he closed his eyes for half a second and elected to continue. "What's your favourite dri-"

Anon was interrupted by the piercing sound of a bell rattling his skull.

"Time to switch, ladies!" Announced Sunshine in an irritating singsong voice.

Berry grinned sheepishly up at Anon and scrambled to her hooves. "Oop, well, I'll see you, Anon!" called Berry as she trapsed over to the next table. Anon looked away from her and peered down into his lap. He licked his lips, awaiting the next round of judgement.

But it never came. Or, rather, she never came.

Confused, Anon looked up from his lap. Standing a few feet from his table was the grey musician mare with the musical butt-marking and silly little bowtie, hovering a lifted hoof close to her chest. She had her right cheek facing him, and her slightly quivering brow suggested a small degree of anxiety.

Thinking on his feet, Anon gave her a small wave with his best accompanying smile. This appeared to relax her a bit, and she slowly stepped over to take her seat across from him.

"Oh, dear... I'm sorry, sir," she said. "I-I must look quite the insensitive little filly. Where are my manners?" She briefly fiddled with her bowtie. "My name is Octavia. Octavia Melody." She held a hoof across the table, which Anon hesitantly shook, hoping she wouldn't notice how clammy his palms were.

He cringed when he noticed her eyes discreetly flicker down to her hoof and back up to his face once their contact was broken.

"I don't believe we've officially met, sir Anonymous. I still remember reading all about you in the papers, though." Anon bit his lip. This mare was already far friendlier than he'd been expecting from anyone tonight.

... She had a nice accent, too.

Wait a minute.

"Uh, why do you have a British accent?" asked Anon, suddenly curious beyond measure. "Please tell me there isn't a British ponyland somewhere around here. Please tell me it ain't so..."

Octavia cocked a confused, and yet obviously amused brow. "Erm, I'm not sure what 'British' means, but my accent is a result of my being born and raised in Trottingham."

Anon bust out laughing. His giggles turned a few heads, causing Octavia's eyes to go wide as she looked either side of their table and grinned awkwardly. "You can't be freaking serious!" he guffawed "Hah!"

Anon suddenly gripped the edge of the table with a hand as his giggles died down, settling himself back into his seat with a cough. "I'm sorry, Octavia," he said. "I promise I wasn't laughing at you... God, I'm such a moron..." He wiped a hand down from his brow to the stubble on his chin and blinked to clear his head, inwardly groaning when he heard Prowler's distinctive chortling in the distance behind Octavia.

Octavia let loose a small giggle of her own, startling the man. He looked back up at her in confusion, surprised she was even still sharing a table with him.

"Don't worry yourself. I'm always glad to see a stallion who can let loose and just be himself," mused Octavia before smiling sweetly at him.

Oh yeah, she'll be a popular pick, alright. Shame...

Anon slumped his arms to the table with a light smack, cursing himself when he noticed her flinch a hair. He cleared his throat and casually asked, "So, what bizz are you in?"

Octavia giggled again and looked at him from the side of her half-lidded gaze. "Well, specifically, I play the cello."

"Bless you."

"Pardon?"

"N-Never mind." Anon glanced off and to the side, biting his lip.

What the hell was that, Anon? That one didn't even make sense. His thoughts wandered back to Rumble's words. Right... Just be himself. Don't force the jokes; let them come, if at all.

He hardly dared to look back in Octavia's direction.

"... Are you alright, Anonymous?"

"Uh, yeah, sorry. I just got confused for a second there. So the cello, huh? Cool. Is that like a big violin or something?"

Octavia clopped her hooves on the underside of the table and snickered to herself. "Yes, something like that, I suppose!"

Right on cue, the bell once again scrambled the participants' brains, causing Octavia to scrunch her dolled up face for a few seconds.

Anon chuckled nervously and said, "Where is she every morning before work, huh?"

Octavia gave him a sweet smile and replied, "Indeed. Thankyou for your time, Anonymous. It has been nice."

"You too, Octavia. I'll see you around."

With that, Octavia clopped over to the next table and Anon felt a little sad to see her go. Oh well, on to the next m-

"Hiii, cutie pie!" Anon found himself instinctively flushing at the call, but kept his guard up nonetheless. The next mare was a deep purple, with a light red mane that cascaded all the way down to her knees. She was looking at him like some kind of meal, which almost made him cower. Almost.

Uh oh, was this another Lyra situation? Keep it cool, Anon.

"... Hi?" asked Anon, with uncertainty. The mare giggled into a hoof and fluttered her eyelashes. Anon readjusted himself in his seat. "So, what's your name?" his speech crawled out of his gullet like a whimpering puppy.

"Yeah... Yeah, that's cool!" Her eyes scanned him up and down repeatedly. "Say, you wanna agree to match after this and get a head start on Hearts and Hooves? Tonight? My place?"

"But, we don't even know each other yet..."

"Oh I've seen you around town enough, big guy... Come on, waddya say?" She grinned up at him and bit her lip.

Anon scratched behind his ear before rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry, but I'm not looking for that kind of thing. I hope you find a stallion who is, though..."

The mare let loose a sound somewhere between a growl and a purr. The hair on Anon's neck stood to attention, and he chanced a glance over at his stallion buddies for... Something.

They were very clearly pretending not to be watching. Brilliant.

The purple mare snaked a hoof across the small table and gently tapped the nail of his pointer finger. "I'm not looking for a stallion," she said, "I'm looking for a... a... What are you, again?" She licked her lips.

"Well, I'm limited edition, and you're looking at the only issue on the shelf," chuckled Anon. "A-And he's not interested in anything casual..." Anon retracted his hand and subconsciously nursed it beneath the table.

When she didn't respond and instead leaned her head across the table to rest upon her hooves, Anon continued, "Listen, lady - you're attractive and all, but I'm not just some exotic animal or anything like that." He gave her a pleading look. "If you won't even tell me your name, I swear I'll just sit here in silence until the bell rings."

To Anon's horror, his tugging of the rope made her squirm in her seat in a way that left him glancing left and right and chewing the inside of his cheek. With dismay, he noticed Octavia and her new partner watching himself and his current company with a measure of disgust.

"Okay! Nope. Not doing this." Anon pulled an invisible zipper across his lips and puffed up his cheeks as though holding a breath. The mare slowed her laboured breaths and briefly scowled before smirking once more.

He strummed his fingers across the table and looked for a host pony to flag down as a distraction. No such luck. By this point, he counted the seconds and prayed...

Since when were leap seconds invented? His eye twitched several more times as she continued to stare him down with her tail slowly swishing behind her.

He prayed for that terrifying bell; he wanted to make sweet love to that bell of bells in that moment. That bell could join him and the boys every weekend for drinks and cards and whatever the heck else it wanted if it would just-

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD SHE WAS RUBBING AT HIS LEG BENEATH THE TABLE!!!

BELL, FOR THE LOVE OF-

Brrrrring

"You know the drill by now, folks! Remember to ask for refills, if you need 'em," chirped Sunshine.

Anon released his breath, pushing his legs to the side and away from the creepy mare. She salaciously stood up from her seat and turned to saunter over to the next table with a wink in his direction. He felt sick to his stomach. That mare probably wasn't even single.

Breathing a few heavy sighs of relief, Anon wiped his slicked brow and looked over for his next potential match, who walked away from her previous partner with a saddened expression.

She was a short grey pegasus mare. She peered at him with nervous intrigue as she approached her seat. This was that one mailmare who never seemed to actually deliver any mail for him. Or at least, his mail only seemed to appear once he'd been away from home for a while.

She also happened to be the last mare he had cast judgement upon during Prowler's game with the boys yesterday...

Ugh... What was that feeling washing through him? Shame? Maybe he should kick Prowler's ass once this is over to make himself feel better. Yeah.

Anon felt a profound joy bubble up from within his chest at the thought. Whether it could defeat the shame nestled deep within his stomach though was another story.

The mare continued to stare at him, and time seemed to grind to near a halt when Anon noticed that her pace did not slow as she neared her chair.

"U-Um... Hi..." muttered Anon, like a complete buffoon. Maybe he was just a monkey, destined to bash his tambourines together and holler the same numbskull noises over and over until every mare on this planet gave him a 500 yard exclusion zone.

Despite Anon reaching out an arm, the mare continued to stare at him with her mouth in an 'o' shape, and as a result, she tackled her chair into the fourth dimension and her muzzle greeted the floor with all the love of a piano thrown from a balcony.

Anon stood from his seat with a bolt and ran around the table to assist her. She was a little tangled with the arms of her seat, but she quickly righted herself and instinctively hooked a hoof around his forearm for support.

"You alright there, miss mailmare?" asked Anon with a chuckle, looking her over with concern. She gasped and flinched away before looking him up and down and then lowering her head.

After a few moments, she slowly nodded and peeked up at him. Or at least, one of her eyes did - the other drifted back towards the ground. "Great. G-Glad to hear it," stammered Anon, taking an awkward step back.

Anon returned to his seat, and the mare took her own across from him. Upon getting a better look at her, it appeared as though she had tried to apply makeup for this event, but failed miserably. Her light pink lipstick was smudged into the fur at the edge of her mouth and her mascara wormed its way loosely around her eyes.

It was quite possibly the single cutest thing he had ever seen in his life.

"S-Sorry about that. I can be a bit of a kultz sometimes..." She fiddled with her hooves, her eyes both successfully focusing upon the dark brown wood of the table.... For a moment.

"Hey, don't worry about it." Anon adjusted the position of his drink, pushing through his concern that it might magically jump out and slither down his throat. "Say, I've seen you around town before, but I don't think we've ever actually met." Anon gave her his best winning smile. "My name's Anon, in case you somehow didn't know. Nice to meet ya."

"You always looked like you'd be real big up close..." she muttered.

Anon blinked and then laughed playfully. "And were you right?"

She shuffled her forehooves and then nodded with a shy smile, her right pupil drifting off to the heavens. After several seconds, her hooves shot to her mouth and she gasped. "Oh! I'm so sorry. It's nice to meet you, Anon. I'm derpy. My name, that is..."

"It's fine! Don't worry. It's great to meet you, too." Anon cleared his throat as Derpy discreetly slid her hooves back and forth along the edge of the table, pulling them apart and then bringing them back together again. She gave him her complete attention, with nothing but the random drifting of her pupils once in a while interrupting her gaze.

"So, Derpy..." Anon nibbled on his lower lip. "What kinda things do you like to do with your time? Besides tackling chairs, that is," he jabbed with a chuckle.

Anon's eyes widened when she mirrored his laugh with a feminine giggle. "Well... Sometimes, I even like to tackle billboards... A-And letterboxes!"

Anon's smile grew and he felt a strange warmth behind his eyes, leading to them moistening without any actual leakage.

What in the world...? He made a mental note to get that checked out later.

"Well, that's great, because it just so happens that I have a letterbox with an overdue rent payment. If you'd be so kind..." Anon grinned and raised his eyebrows at her.

Derpy giggled again and said, "Well knowing me, I'll be sure to send it tumbling sooner or later."

Anon pointed a finger at her and replied, "I'll hold you to that." He made a mental note to get his letterbox planted in the ground again as soon as possible after the event.

Derpy giggled a little more at that before finally growing quiet. Anon broke the short silence and said, "So... Is there anything you want to ask me?" Derpy's eyes lit up, her left pupil swivelling over to the ponies beside them in the process. "I am the weird alien thing, after all."

"Absolutely, Anon!" she breathily exclaimed. His heart sank and the nearby shadows of the enormous curtains warped as he prepared to face the music. "So what's your favourite food?"

Anon blinked. And then blinked again.

That feeling throbbed behind his eyes once more and he fought to keep it in. Caught off guard, Anon took a few moments longer than he should have to answer.

Derpy watched him patiently with an excited smile as she fiddled with her hooves.

"M-My favourite food? Erm... Uh." Anon prayed someone would come over and slap him across his stupid chin. "I'm not sure I have a single favourite food, to be honest." He rested on his elbows, adjusting himself in his seat to draw his upper body closer to her.

Just as Derpy leaned forward to reply, he continued, "I have always had kind of a sweet tooth, though. So I love things like donuts, muffins and cakes. Yeah. Stuff like that."

Derpy's ears perked up and she leaned even further across the table towards him. "Those are great choices! I... I really like muffins." She drew small circles on the surface of the table with her hoof as she observed him. Anon watched with discomfort, resisting the urge to reach out as her hoof neared her glass and-

Crash

Derpy gasped and looked around herself while nibbling on her hoof. "Oh no! I..." She jumped down from her chair to try and scrape the broken pieces of glass together. A pain shot through Anon's lower stomach as his instincts kicked in upon seeing her pushing the razor sharp shards around with the soft underside of her hooves.

"It's alright, Derpy. I'll get it." Once Anon brought his hands to the shards of glass, she pulled her hooves away and held them to her fluffy chest. Liquid welled within the corners of her mismatched eyes as she avoided eye contact with him.

"I'm sorry, Anon... I'm so stupid, and-"

"-Hey, Derpy," Anon said, "don't worry about it. Accidents happen. You're not stupid." He reached out for her hoof in an effort to console her, but paused and then pulled his hand back to the glass well before contact was made. "Look. See." Anon had taken all the visible chunks of glass and placed them on the table. He waved down a host who clopped over to scrape the shards into a pan.

"No harm done!" chirped Anon. Derpy no longer appeared to be a dam about to burst, instead meekly sitting back on her chair and looking at him with a wobbly smile.

Anon clapped his hands together, causing her to tilt her head at him and bring her hooves back up onto the edge of the table. "Say, you reminded me of something," said Anon, holding up a hand and pointing to it. One of Derpy's eyes glanced between Anon's hand and his smiling face, her features drenched with curiosity.

"There's this little trick with my hands that one of the guys on set taug- uh... One of the other humans back in my home world taught me. Wanna see it?" His smile became a playful grin.

Derpy opened her mouth with a silent gasp, nodding eagerly at him. "I do! They look pretty and soft!"

Anon chuckled and raised an eyebrow. "Uh, Thanks? So, would you hold out your hoof for me?"

"Sure!" Derpy's released a goofy chuckle as her wings spread out behind her and a hoof shot out across the table, coming dangerously close to Anon's own glass as it did so.

With that minor heart attack out of the way, Anon moved to grip the edge of her hoof with his fingers.

However, just before contact was made, that awful ringing noise almost caused Anon to knock his glass over himself.

Wait. No. That was impossible. It had only been a couple of minutes, right? Anon felt his heart sink, and as he glanced back up to Derpy, he noticed her wings drooping in tandem with the wilting of her once brilliant, joyful smile.

"Oh... It looks like we're out of time, Anon..."

"Y-Yeah... Sorry I didn't get time to, uh. You know," murmured Anon. He would've chokeslammed himself for his constant stammering if not out in public.

"It's fine... Good luck! I think I have to go now. B-Bye, Anon!"

Anon gave Derpy a wave as she trotted away - a wave she mimicked with a sad smile.

The glances she continued to send in his direction for the next few seconds drew his gaze, but every time she caught his eye he would look away and fiddle with the edge of his suit.

Anon smiled a small, wistful smile of his own.

Before he could give it much more thought, his gaze was torn back across to his right, where his next partner approached. And boy, did she make sure he knew it...

"What in Celestia's name? Who invited the local monkey?!"

Anon's expression soured. Here we go...

"Well, 'hello there' to you too, miss. My name is Anon..." droned Anon, appearing tired. The mare did not seem to even register what he said. She looked around herself before grunting in frustration and sitting across from him.

He had to admit that she was beautiful. From her light brown coat and bronze mane all the way to her auburn natural hoof-socks, she was quite possibly the most gorgeous mare present. But by the looks of things, it was skin deep. Barely.

Anon folded his hands in front of him on the shiny surface of the table. The mare's gaze flickered down to his hands and she curled her upper lip with a lift of her chin. Her hooves gleamed with a deep red polish that he could see had been recently applied with expertise.

She faced away from him and to his left, and Anon coughed to get her attention. "So," chirped Anon, "how has your night been so far?"

"Splendid... Until I sat at this table," she replied, with all the venom of a striking cobra.

"Nice, nice." Anon tapped a finger on the table absent-mindedly. "Is there anything I can do to convince you I'm not just a freaky monkey creature? I'm sorry if my existence offends you."

"No, I don't have a banana for you." she snarled.

"Wow, real clever," laughed Anon, now genuinely amused by the absurdity of the situation. "You win any awards for that wit? Might want to wipe that green stain from your cheek before your photoshoot, though." He nodded his head towards her right cheek.

The mare scowled at him, her brows furrowing further upon noticing him continuing to stare at her cheek. Instinctively, her hoof wiped at it, and so Anon moved his eyes further along her jaw, guiding her movements.

Anon looked back into her eyes and bit his lower lip, satisfied with the deep red streak now running through her fur. "Yup, you got it," he said. "Oh, wait, actually... Just get this bit here." Anon reached out to point at her lip, causing the mare to slap his hand away and leap back out of her seat in a panic.

Whoops.

"Don't touch me!!!" she screamed. "You freaky alien ape!"

The entire building went silent. Anon's jaw hung open with his eyes wide. He swallowed a breath and said, "I was just pointing at your face... I wasn't going to touch you; I promise."

The mare looked around the room, surveying the many faces watching her. Some looked upon her with confusion or surprise. Many looked upon her with a scowl.

Anon's eyes widened as he noticed Prowler snarling at the mare and making to cross the room towards her, but thankfully Rumble had his neck locked with a powerful hoof. Anon returned his gaze to his lap before they noticed him staring.

The mare then stormed away from the table with a huff and pulled a host aside, speaking to him in a hushed whisper.

Gradually, the babble of the venue returned. For the rest of the allotted time, Anon sat there in shame, hoping he hadn't butchered what little good reputation he had around town with that little stunt.

Why couldn't you just let her act up and move on, Anon? He sighed and slumped in his seat, looking up at the ceiling in an attempt to calm his jitters.

The bell rang once more, and Anon really began to feel the mental toll of the evening weigh in on his shoulders. The shadows inched and spasmed, crawling along the edge of the venue and boring down through his eye sockets. With it came a physical exhaustion that made him too tired even to just get up and leave.

He should never have opened the door to that little purple book horse. This really had been a mistake.

"Hey... Hey... Hello?" Anon lowered his gaze back down from the ceiling, the mystery pony seated across from him greeting him with a lopsided smile. "Well welcome back to the land of the living, sleepyhead!"

"Ah, my apologies. Was just lost in thought for a moment, there." Anon sat back up in his seat and gave the mare the attention she deserved.

She was a bright yellow pony with a curled blue mane. He couldn't get a good view of her cutie mark, as he hadn't noticed her approach.

"No worries, Mr. Anon. I can't blame you after what just happened..."

"It happens, I guess."

"Well, it shouldn't. Look, my name's Lemon Hearts, but I'll be honest with you - I'm not into the whole 'exotic partner' thing, myself. But I can promise you that others will be."

Anon strained his neck in an effort to stop his head from sagging. "Yeah... I suppose so."

"I also should probably apologise on that last mare's behalf. If you're worried about it affecting your reputation or something - don't be. I'm pretty sure everypony knows how she is."

Anon felt a wave of warmth soak through his pores and into his aching bones. The mare's lips curled up into a smile as she noticed his posture perk back up some. "Really?" asked Anon. "Well I'll be honest with you as well - that's definitely a relief."

She looked down at her hooves and then back up at him again. "Listen," she said, "I can tell that you haven't had a great night tonight. But don't let it discourage you." This mare's soft and sweet voice seeped through his muscles and melted their sinews to gloop. "There's somepony out there for everyone." She took a dainty sip of her drink.

"Thanks for the kind words. Really. I don't really know what to add to that, to be honest," replied Anon, lamely. He secretly hoped she would keep doing most of the talking.

She giggled around the edge of her glass and set it down. "Don't worry. You may well discover that your unique appearance becomes a boon rather than a bane."

"... Are you sure you aren't interested?" asked Anon with a playful laugh. She smiled sweetly at him and gave an apologetic look.

"I'm sure, Anon. I'm sorry; I want kids and stuff, you know?"

"Oh. Well, uh... Magic?" Anon couldn't help but let a snicker flow past his lips as he said that.

This time, Lemon laughed heartily, prompting him to join her. "Nice try, buddy!"

As the pair shared in their laughter and took a non-mutual gulp of their drinks, the heartstopping sound of the bell blasted Anon's ears one last time.

"And that's game, set and match!" shouted Sunshine, over the ruckus of the venue. "Congratulations, everypony - you made it through! Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" Sunshine's announcement was met with a good few cheers and almost as many grumbles.

Anon nodded to Lemon, and she nodded back with a wink for good luck. With that, she stepped away from the table and back over towards the original seating areas. Anon made sure to take note of her cutie mark as she trotted away. It was a small trio of hearts bunched together.

He felt thankful for her attitude, and yet bittersweet about her words. One part of him hoped they were true, but another part of him thought back to that creepy purple mare and prayed she was wrong. Anon stood from his chair and stretched his arms above his head once standing, feeling his back pop with a satisfying crack.

He made his way over to join the other stallions in the group seating area of the restaurant. Sunshine cleared her throat as the event's hosts began handing out small cards.

"You'll now receive your match cards. Just fill 'em out and bring 'em back to me. Us hosts will then sort out your matches. What you then do with those is between you, the other pony, and the bartender."

Her following pause induced the intended effect, with the participants chuckling together.

"Have a great rest of your weekends!" With a small cheer, ponies began filtering back over to the bar in order to fill out their cards. Sunshine had a cup filled with small quills ready for contestants to take set on the edge of her podium.

Anon snagged a quill and walked back over to his buddies with card in hand. He didn't quite know what face to give them as he stepped up to their table, so his mask remained mostly blank.

"Great job, sport. You did great, I'm sure of it," said Rumble, patting Anon on his back. Anon waited for Prowler to make some kind of remark, but when he looked down he saw the stallion just glaring at the light brown mare who had screamed at him.

Anon peeked back up at Rumble with a raised brow, and the gruff stallion just lightly shook his head with a shrug. Anon glanced back at Prowler a couple more times before gently tapping him on the shoulder. He got the message and scooted along the seat deeper into their booth, finally ripping his eyes away from Anon's aggressor.

"You good?" asked Anon, taking a seat in the spot Prowler had opened up for him.

"Yeah," murmured Prowler.

"Cool, cool." Anon cleared his throat and went about filling out his card. It was really simple, actually. Just each mare's first name with a picture of her cutie mark stamped on the side. Next to each prospective candidate was a 'yes' and 'no' column with blank boxes to tick. To the right of those was a 'match' column, likely meant for the organisers to fill in.

Anon went down the list, ticking 'yes' to most every mare he had spoken to, with the exception of the creeper mare and the xenophobic one. Obviously.

He paused over Derpy, a flush coming to his cheeks. He noticed her sitting on the opposite side of the bar space in a seat cornered next to the bar itself. Her muzzle was restless and her brow was furrowed in visible fear.

Every few moments, she would look up from her card at nearby approaching stallions, only to hurriedly look away again each time they veered away from her.

He thought he had caught her eye for a moment, but quickly coughed into his fist upon realising he had caught the wrong one.

Returning his attention to his own card, Anon also paused over the last mare, Lemon Hearts. He gave her a 'yes' on the off chance that she changed her mind about her expressed disinterest. She genuinely seemed nice, and it doesn't hurt to try.

With that done, he returned his card and quill to Sunshine and sat back down to wait. As he sat back in his chair and cracked open a drink that had been slapped down in front of him by Rumble, he began to grow restless. Any minute now, he would find out whether all this night's mares and nightmares alike had been worth the heartache.

Nothing but the continued occasional slam of bowling balls on pins punctuated the passage of time in their little sheltered booth.

Eventually, Prowler perked up with a grin and said, "I saw you ogling Octavia and that weird mailmare again. You got a thing for grey mares? Figured you were boring." Anon flicked the stallion across the muzzle. "Urk! You know what, maybe I should tell the mailmare what you and Rumble said about her yesterday..."

"You dare, and I skin you with your own teeth," growled Anon. Prowler's eyes widened and he audibly gulped. "See if I'm kidding. Go ahead."

Rumble wheezed from across the table and slapped its surface with a gigantic hoof. He looked between the pair with a smile as they gawped at him. Rumble then shook his head and started chugging his drink.

His blazing pace was interrupted by a mare dressed in a sleek tux slipping a card in front of Anon. Prowler leaned forward in his chair to watch her from behind as she trotted away, prompting Anon to flick him on the snout once more.

"Give it a rest, horndog," said Anon. "The most important person at this table just received his judgement." Despite Anon's attempted joking, the pair of stallions shared in his discomfort as he unfolded the neat little card.

Rumble raised a brow to himself when he noticed that Prowler did not peek over at Anon's card. The stallions instead patiently watched Anon's face, and the flurry of emotions scrambling across it.

Anon's anxiety melted into disappointment, and then all the down way into the sticky mush of defeat. He reached the bottom of his card and shook his head. Prowler cocked a confused brow at him and said, "Anon, can you even count? I'm pretty sure you turned the card over when you were filling it in..."

That's when Anon remembered, feeling foolish in having his nerves get the better of his memory. He definitely spoke with more than four mares tonight. Duh.

He should probably ask Rumble to give him that smack across the jaw - might jostle free the mushroom sculpture sticking out of his cranium right now.

Anon decided to rip the bandaid off, no matter how much it might hurt, and so flipped the card over in one swoop.

He couldn't believe his eyes. As he scanned the last two match column entries that had been hiding overleaf, he almost stood to his feet to help with airflow.

His male companions grinned at his obvious excitement. "Can we take that reaction as a good sign, or...?" chuckled Rumble.

"Guys, look!" Anon turned the card so the stallions could clearly lean in and see it. "I got one... I think. That's definitely a match, right?"

"Yeah, dumbass," chided Prowler. "You never seen a ticked box before?" Anon glared at him for a brief moment before looking back at the card. He hadn't seen who he matched with, but there were really only a few possibilities. He had gotten along alright with Berry, had a really nice chat with Octavia, and he and Derpy-

Anon found his collar growing sweaty again and his cheeks pulsing with blood. Not that he had any preferences or anything, but... Well, he wasn't in a position to be a chooser right now. He looked across the column and found the match to be ticked next to Derpy's name and an image of a set of bubbles.

He blinked, unable to believe what he was seeing. So her enthusiasm had been real. He had shown her himself, and she had liked him!

As if to curb his enthusiasm, Anon's brain once again rattled with images of the piece of himself that he left at home.

He shook those fears away quickly, instead focusing upon the grey mare sitting across the bar. She was huddled by herself in her corner, reading her own card. It looked like she was... Crying? What?

They were not tears of joy (don't flatter yourself, Anon), but tears of grief. Did her hoof slip when she filled in her card or something, and now she was nervous about having to turn him away?

Rumble watched Anon's face closely once again, and rolled his eyes. With a shove strong enough to shatter a car window, the burly stallion sent Anon into the middle of the room. "Go get 'em, son. Best of luck." When Anon looked back over at their booth, Rumble cracked his neck and said, "You come back here without talking to her and I'll force feed you Prowler's porn stash when we leave."

Anon gulped and turned back around to face the diminutive mare, who was now rubbing her eyes and sniffling. Her beautiful blonde mane bounced with the heaving of her chest. The sloppily-applied mascara now stained the sides of her hooves and ran down her cheeks.

She did not notice Anon's approach. "H-Hey..." he croaked.

Derpy flinched and her card tumbled to the ground at the sound of the masculine voice. She looked left and right before settling her wide-eyed gaze upon Anon.

As though on impulse, her mouth formed into an excited smile and her broken breathing slowed. "Hi, Anon!" After a few seconds though, a realisation dawned across her features and her reaction to him seemed to shift, bringing her tear ducts back to welling. "How are you d-doing?"

Anon was bewildered. Did she not have the same match as him? Had there been a mistake from the organisers? "Uhm... pretty good, actually. Yeah," Anon murmured as he folded his hands behind his back and licked the pearly whites behind his lips.

"That's great! You were no doubt a hit with all the mares. Well... Except that one mean pony," Derpy mewled, lowering her head. "I hope she didn't upset you."

"Who, her?" Anon blew a short raspberry as he cast his gaze across the bar.

A small grin threatened to worm its way onto his lips as he noticed the brown mare angrily demanding that a host re-check her card.

"Nah! So anyway," he said, briefly rolling back on his heels. "Did you happen to get any matches?" Derpy sniffled. "I'd be shocked if you didn't have stallions fighting each other for the right to fulfil their matches with you."

Derpy's face wore the ghost of a smile, and yet her head drooped. "Thanks, but no. I didn't get any matches this year... Ag-Again." Anon felt his heart shatter into pieces, said pieces sticking into his internal lining like parasites draining his life force.

"I think it might be my eyes..." She closed her eyes shut with force before opening them again. "I'm not sure. B-But there's always next year. I'll keep trying!"

The determination that graced her teary-eyed features and pumped hoof brought that same concerning pressure building behind his eyes.

He didn't feel like crying, and yet his eyes glistened to the point where he felt the need to wipe them. Really gotta get that checked...

"Are you sure, Derpy? Did you check properly? I only got one match, and I almost missed it."

"Yeah, I looked through plenty of times... And nothing." One of her eyes swivelled and then settled on the chandelier above them. "B-But it's okay. I hope you have an incredible time with your date; you deserve it."

As Derpy began to solemnly walk away with her head held low, Anon grabbed her attention. "H-Hang on. Did you check the back of your card?"

"Th-The back?" Her wings lifted and she looked herself over for the card, as though it could somehow be stuck to her naked body.

Anon chuckled and walked back over to her seat. He kneeled down and picked up her card before handing it to her. "Here."

Derpy attempted to claim the card from him, but instead ended up knocking it from his grip and down to the floor between them. Derpy jolted slightly and said, "Ah! My bad. Let me just..."

The pair both leaned down to retrieve the card at the same time. Due to their height difference, this resulted in Anon stopping his hand just above her hoof, prompting her to look up at him. Their faces now lingered no more than six inches apart, and Derpy blinked in surprise as both of her eyes focused upon the human's own.

Anon coughed and stood back upright, muttering an indecipherable apology. Derpy flushed beet red and said, "Th-Thanks, but I got it..."

Once Derpy opened her card again, she flipped it over and scanned the page. However, her hold over the card was short lived as she gasped loud enough to draw the attention of a few nearby ponies, the card flittering down to the floor once more.

Her wings now fully extended in her excitement as she retrieved the card one final time and attempted to observe the details of her match. She glanced up at him a few times as she fiddled with the card, eyes glistening with hope.

Her wings drooped, however, as she initially looked at the picture associated with her match.

"A... A banana? I didn't notice anypony with a banana for a cutie mark."

Anon balked and leaned down to glare at her card. Upon seeing the image of a banana, he grit his teeth and felt the need to scrape his feet ready to charge at the door. That little purple b-

"Oh! It has a name here. Look!" Derpy looked up at him and began to bounce with glee. "It... S-Says 'Anon'..." Her bouncing slowed as the reality of the situation dawned on her.

She suddenly shrunk in on herself and looked away from him towards the bar to her right, yet was unable to stifle the smile tugging at her messy pink lips.

"Y-Yeah... It does." Anon's embarassed expression could have melted permafrost. "We, err. We matched, I guess."

"We did." Derpy scuffed a hoof on the luscious red carpet and finally built up the nerve to look at him. "So, do you want to, uhm...?"

Anon wrestled with his cufflinks, just to give his hands something to do. "Yes!" he exclaimed, a little too loudly. He then cleared his throat. "Yes. I would love to." Derpy was visibly shaking at his words. "How about tomorrow for lunch? Meet me at Sugarcube Corner?"

"Sure!" Derpy dropped her vision once more, smiling sweetly to herself. "B-Bye, Anon."

With that, Derpy skittered into the dividing area between the sections of the venue and all but flew out the door, almost taking out a host with a tray full of drinks on her way out.

Anon stood stock-still, completely starstruck. After the dust had settled, he leered over at his bros' table without turning his head. Prowler feigned yacking up his dinner while Rumble's mouth lifted to one side with a gentle nod of his head.

Anon joined them once more, letting out a sigh and faceplanting over the surface of the table like a cat making sure the stairs are unusable.

Prowler laughed and said, "Well, good job, dude. But to be honest, I still have the hotter date for tomorrow." He picked up his drink and admired it with a smug expression. "Better luck next time."

Anon scowled at the stallion with a scoff and quipped, "I haven't seen your date, but I'm pretty sure you'd hump a toaster if it got hot and bothered in your presence."

Rumble bust out laughing, showering some of his cider over an unimpressed Prowler.

After wiping his face clean, Prowler too joined in the merriment and said, "And here I was thinking you'd lost your bite with all that sap. You were like a different person today, bro."

"Nah, I'm pretty sure he's always been in there. Just needed to lure him out with some bubbly grey tush, eh, son?" teased Rumble.

The starstruck man did not respond. In fact, he appeared not to have heard anything they said at all.

Rumble chuckled to himself and then leaned over to Prowler and whispered, "Uh oh."

Prowler looked back at Rumble, suppressing a laugh at Anon's aloof expression.

After leaning back in his seat and grabbing his cider bottle, Rumble grinned to himself and muttered, "Oh, to be young..."

A Tail of Hands and Hooves

Anon checked his basket, lifting the silky covering and counting the supplies held therein. He'd already counted at least a dozen times before that - but he'd also always wanted to be a baker.

That was a lie, and he knew it... Whatever.

In the distance, Derpy swayed gently in place, clearly suppressing the urge to bounce, lest she risk destroying something belonging to somepony.

It was Sunday, Hearts and Hooves Day - the day hearts are melded or broken, and sometimes both.

Alright, Anon - this was it. As they say, there are no second third impressions. Yep. Gotta make this date count.

He felt his legs bending funny at the knee as he walked towards her, as though they were made of jello. Did he look funny as he walked? Had he remembered to wear his lucky socks?

Christ on a bike, Anon, you've dated before. Stop behaving like a schoolboy.

Anon was so busy scolding himself that he hadn't noticed Derpy waving at him. She stretched her neck as high as it would go as she waved, seemingly of the impression that if she came closer to his eyeline, he'd be more likely to see her.

Oh, Derpy... Didn't she know that humans can't look down?

In a moment of karma that Anon likely should have seen coming considering his conversation with Twilight on Friday, he tripped over a protruding piece of cobblestone in the path, almost losing his entire lunch haul and ending the date right then and there.

He quickly recovered, brushing himself off like nothing had happened. Derpy's waves had stopped and she instead held her hoof up to her lip in concern with a furrowed brow. "Anon!" she shouted, rushing over to him. "Are you alright?"

"Yep. Yeah, I'm good," replied Anon. "Just biped problems, y'know?"

"I don't know. But, I don't know much to be honest." Derpy emitted that same goofy, breathy laugh Anon had heard a couple of times last night.

"Hey now, none of that!" Anon grinned and, feeling bold, playfully ruffled her mane; she batted him away with a hoof while adorned with a smile of her own. "Now come on; let's go inside. I figured we could meet up here and buy some muffins together." Derpy's smile grew bashful as Anon tapped his little straw basket. "And then go and have a nice picnic in the park."

Derpy's face froze with her mouth slightly agape, a blush slowly creeping up her face. Anon shuffled in place at her lack of a response and said, "Uh... Yeah, sorry. I know it's cheesy and a little boring."

Derpy snapped out of her trance and looked up at him with a shy smile. One of her eyes tried its absolute best to remain trained on him, but it eventually lost its grip and swung limp in the bottom of her eye socket, Defeated. "No no, it's perfect! The park is real pretty."

Derpy turned and looked to the door, a wobbly smile accenting her blushing cheeks and folded ears. Anon felt his crooked human heart pulse. Easy now, Anon. Don't want to end up in horse hospital, do we?

Anon wordlessly pushed into Sugarcube corner and marched up to the counter like he wanted to see the manager.

Several ponies, including more than a few couples, sat and munched on their confections with glee. When Anon was met without service, he glanced left and right for the pink hurricane.

Huh. That was odd. She pretty much always worked at this hour.

Anon would swear on this even with both feet and perhaps an arm in the grave - he had blinked and Pinkie had appeared. Right behind the counter. If the universe ran on frames, she would have skipped into his view between two of them. Had she been hiding?

"Heya, Anon! And Derpy!" Pinkie smiled sweetly up at Anon after giving Derpy a wave. Derpy stood next to Anon, her side mere inches from Anon's leg. Derpy looked at the floor and attempted to cover her face with a wing. Pinkie gasped, gaining at least four seconds of airtime.

"WAIT! Are you two on a date?!" Sugarcube Corner went quiet, the only sounds heard being jaws crunching and the mushing of food slithering down greedy gullets.

"Yup," said Anon, hearing Derpy mewl next to him. He glanced down at her, and then around at the surrounding ponies, that same familiar ghost pulling at the back of his collar. "We are..."

"That's awesome! Congratulations." At that, the babble of the establishment returned. Anon felt his mood brighten and his heart swell in thanks; you could always count on Pinkie Pie.

"Thanks, Pinks. Could we get a bag of, I dunno..." He looked down at Derpy, and she met his gaze with a smile. "How hungry are you, Derpy?" chuckled Anon.

"Uhm..." A high-pitched growl concluded her speech before she could even begin to tell her tall tale of famine, causing Anon's laughter to pick up. Pinkie found herself giggling as well.

To Anon's surprise, Derpy did not respond with much embarassment. She instead giggled herself and said, "Maybe a little."

"In that case - we'll take three blueberry muffins, and three chocolate muffins please, Pinks." Anon winked at Pinkie, and she got the message.

"Alrighty, comin' right up!" In a blur, Pinkie disappeared and then reappeared with a warm bag. "Here ya go! Six muffins for the blushing mare and her tall, hairless, minataur-like-thing coltfriend!"

Anon groaned, "Pinkie... Please, not today..." Derpy watched Anon's frustrated expression with amusement.

Derpy spoke up in a hushed voice. "Oh, he really is tall, and... And silly!" Derpy lowered her head and chuckled as though she'd just drawn a weiner on the first guy to fall asleep at the function.

Anon couldn't help but smile at her valiant effort with a glint in his eye. "We can work on that, Derpy. I'll have 'em rolling off your tongue in no time!"

Pinkie watched the pair gravitate towards the door. She didn't feel even remotely offended that they forgot to say goodbye to her. In fact, as she watched them leave and continue their light banter, she felt all fuzzy inside.

"Right! Let's get this party started," declared Anon.

He dug through his picnic basket as the pair set up on a small incline by the pond. They had a wide and yet short tree to rest their backs against if they needed it, its branches reaching over them in a gnarled, jagged attempt at sheltering them from the sun.

The park was busy, but not bustling. Unsurprisingly, considering the occasion, it was filled with couples, much like themselves.

Well... Anon looked down at himself.

Not too much like themselves.

As Anon poured the pair a drink each from his trusty giga-flask from Earth, he noticed a couple on the other side of the park that caught his attention. It was a stallion sitting with a yak, clearly giving each other goo-goo eyes.

Derpy noticed his mood brighten a mite as he pulled some sandwiches free from the basket and laid them out before her. "You feeling daring, Derpy?" Anon rubbed his hands together mischievously.

"Ooo, I think I might be!" she said with a little bounce.

"Good, because one of these sandwiches is a trap. You don't have any allergies, do you?" asked Anon, with a grin.

"You didn't!" exclaimed Derpy with a squee.

"Uh huh. Yup, I certainly did," chuckled Anon, "and whoever lands the trapwich has to go for a swim to end our date." He pointed over at the pond. "In there."

Derpy gasped, her wings springing to attention. "Well, I don't have any allergies, so let's do it!" she pumped a hoof in the air.

"Alright, well best of luck to you." Beaming, Anon then began flipping a butter knife between his fingers and preparing to slice up some sandwiches. Derpy watched his movements with fascination.

Anon raised an eyebrow and placed the butter knife down, testing a theory. As expected, one of Derpy's eyes followed his hand, and soon her head followed suit, tilting down to face the blanket beneath their tushies.

He lifted the knife back up and balanced it on a finger. He then gripped it by the blade and moved his arm from side to side...

Derpy's head followed his movements like a moth to a flame. However, his motions did not cease, and she eventually blinked, looking up at him in confusion.

When she saw his smug grin, she fell to her side and chuckled, knocking over her drink in the process.

She gasped and looked down at it, biting her lip. She looked back up to Anon and appeared ready to apologise, but he was faster.

"Whoops. That's two for two now, Derpy - didn't take you for a fan of America's favourite pastime." He gave her a teasing smile. "Nice work, champ!" He offered her his palm for a high-five, and despite the anatomical differences, Derpy got the message.

Her smile returned and she reached up to bap his outstretched hand with a hoof, her eyes closing as she did so. But then, her eyes opened once more and she placed a hoof to her chin in thought.

Anon moved to pour Derpy another drink with a gentle smile gracing his features, and as he carefully filled her small cup with not-grapejuice, she asked, "What's 'America'?"

Anon paused, her now-filled cup held between a finger and thumb. A static feeling tickled behind his ears and he felt the want to shiver a singular, body-wracking shiver.

He wasn't averse to talking about his old world at all, or anything like that. No, this was different. With everything that had happened recently, Anon neared the end of his very serious consideration. His mind toiled and segmented, its different components tugging and tearing at each other for control.

... Should he tell her? He had only really known this mare for a couple days, but he couldn't help but feel that if he seriously wanted to pursue a relationship, he would need to show her who he is. Or rather, who he was, and what the world he came from was really like.

That was the kind of thing one could not keep from their partner forever; so, why not lay out his cards from the beginning? He had already shown her a glimpse of who he is, and she had been plenty receptive.

The morbid temptation to fill in that final piece of the puzzle accelerated his breath. He really didn't want to let any of those monsters loose, but it felt like a necessity.

It wasn't like he wanted to trauma dump his woeful tale of displacement and subsequent loss upon anyone, or give a precise, comprehensive detail of human history... The mere thought of both of those scenarios made him almost as repulsed as that one time he had seen Celestia's super secret photo album as part of a prank gone wrong.

Though, he knew one pony who would likely demand that comprehensive history lecture anyway, once he uncorked his internal bottle. Ugh.

No, something far more simple and to the point would work to ease the tension writhing in his gut and give his potential partner the honesty she deserves in entering this relationship - the rest could come down the line.

More than that, though, he wanted to know about her. He had spent last night and most of today gulping down every last morsel he could draw from her, and would ensure he'd continue to do so.

And like the greedy pig of a human that he was, he hadn't given her an inch in return.

Breaking his classic human thinker pose, he glanced down at the adorable little mare, and she tilted her head at him in confusion.

A smile graced his lips. Yes. He wanted to know everything about this little ray of sunshine, and so he should probably give at least a little bit back.

That was when Anon had an idea.

It was probably worth a shot, right? Yeah, Anon was always brimming with nothing but the very finest selection of ideas.

Best case scenario? Derpy and his close friends understand his circumstances and perhaps even find the whole thing fascinating, drawing he and Derpy closer to each other as a result.

Worst case scenario? They all run screaming, he blows his chances at a kind and adorable marefriend, and he is imprisoned as a danger to the country.

Awesome. Sounds like a plan.

Derpy leaned closer to him and gingerly placed a hoof upon his knee. "Anon? You don't have to answer, you know," she said. Her beautiful smile returned. "I understand."

Anon perked up and looked Derpy in the eyes, matching her smile with a more reserved one of his own. As Derpy's left pupil drifted up towards Celestia's ex, his smile widened.

"It's alright, Derpy. I just got lost in thought for a moment, there." Anon placed Derpy's cup beside her, the orange juice inside sloshing up near its edges before settling down. "Oh, here." He pulled some napkins from the basket and layered a couple over the wet stain on the edge of the blanket from her previously spilled beverage.

Derpy lightly gasped and said, "You really did think of everything, didn't you? You already know me so well." She giggled into her hooves.

"Actually, Derpy, that reminds me..." Anon looked back down to the sandwiches and finally began cutting them up. His eyes widened. "Oh, actually, first of all - sorry for keeping a hungry lady waiting for so long."

Anon handed her a paper plate with four sandwich halves resting upon it and then winked at her. "Best of luck with those!" He then grabbed a big bag of potato chips, tore them open and set them in front of the pair so that they could dip into it freely.

Derpy placed her hooves to her mane and groaned, though the toothy grin ripping across her muzzle told a different story. "Ah! I'm so nervous..." she squeaked.

Anon chuckled and grabbed a few sandwiches of his own. "If you're still hungry, I have other snacks and some more sandwiches in here, so just ask."

Derpy nodded before apprehensively biting into her sandwich. Upon discovering it was safe, her ears perked up. "Ooh, this is kind of exciting, actually!" She bounced in place a couple of times, coming dangerously close to losing another drink to the still-thirsty grass on her left.

Anon chuckled with mirth and bit into his own sandwich, relaxing his tightened shoulders once he verified the lack of trappage present on his sandwich. "So, Derpy. What do you like to do for fun?"

Derpy perked up and placed a hoof to her chin. "Hmm... Well, I like to read, and sometimes even go bowling. Although... They're usually pretty reluctant to let me back in there nowadays, eheh."

A nearby couple skirted around the pair with an apology before Anon replied, "Ah, well that sounds pretty fun. I actually haven't been bowling in pony land yet."

Derpy gasped, "We should go together sometime!"

"That sounds awesome-sauce, Derpy."

As she was taking a sip of her drink, Derpy's eyes widened and she leaned back towards him, gently tapping him on the knee with a hoof. "Oh, I also like those new movie things. I've only seen a few, but they're amazing." Anon's eyes widened at this news. "H-How about you, Anon? What do you like to do?"

Just as he was about to reply, his eye caught a few mares approaching from his right, with their eyes trained on him and looking just about ready to declare an interspecies armageddon.

Upon taking a closer look, Anon recognised the obvious leader of the mares as the brown mare who had berated him last night.

Oh no... No no no, come on, Anon - overcome your nature and think fast here!

"Hold on a second - what's going on here?!" the mare shouted, her attention focused upon Derpy as she now stood before the pair with her cronies flanking her on either side.

Anon noticed Derpy's expression sink, its anchor to his heart almost flooring him right there and then. "We're on a date in the park," said Anon, with as little emotion as possible. "Can we help you?"

The mare stammered out some indignant splutters and said, "Do I look like I'm holding a banana to you? Just get up and leave! This isn't fair!"

"Seriously? Just leave us be, lady. You're not entitled to us leaving upon your demand. Get lost." He took a slow sip of his juice, training his eyes on her all the while. Derpy caught the harsh gaze of one of the mare's silent companions and shrivelled into herself somewhat, cradling her plate protectively to her chest.

Once Anon had placed his drink back down beside him, the brown mare stepped forward and picked it up before splashing its remaining contents in his face. "Oh look - you've got something on your cheek, you filthy monkey," she snarled.

The human elected not to respond, instead merely continuing to watch her without wiping his sopping face. His poker face had been chiselled in stone by the very finest of ancient craftsmen.

"And you, mailmare! What are you doing here with that... That thing?! Where are your standards? It isn't even a stallion!" Derpy momentarily frowned and moved forward to reply, but as the brown mare's crony stepped over and kicked her drink over, she flinched back again. Anon felt something bubble and ripple along the muscles of his arms; it crawled up his neck and locked the joints of his fingers.

Nah. This wasn't going to continue.

Anon moved to respond with a dark look in his eye. The crony to the mare's left had noticed his expression and nervously tapped her shoulder.

But, to Anon's surprise, Derpy beat him to the punch.

"H-He isn't a monkey. And he's l-lovely... You're just j-jealous that he got a date and you didn't!" Despite her jitters and blatant nerves, Derpy's expression held firm and she did not flinch away from the mare looming over her. Anon's eyes widened.

The three mares gawped at Derpy's sudden outburst, and the entire gathering entered a complete silent stand-still.

Anon's brow set and he moved over to his basket. He pulled out the flask and leaned across to retrieve Derpy's cup and fill it back up for her. He glared at the mare standing beside Derpy as he slowly placed the cup beside Derpy's leg. The mare shuffled in place with a bead of regretful sycophancy dripping around her brow.

"Yeah, as if. I'll find a stallion or ten in no time..." declared the mare. "L-Let's go, girls. Leave this freak and her pet to stink up the park." With that, she turned and trotted away with a flick of her tail, grunts scurrying in tow.

Clicking his tongue, Anon turned to face Derpy with a sudden smile. "Some ponies, huh? Thanks for sticking up for me; you didn't have to do that, y'know."

Despite his light tone, Derpy could see right through his optical windows and into the raging storm of hurt slamming against the glass. "She's just a nasty mare, Anon." she said. "Please don't take anything she says to heart." Derpy placed her hoof upon the back of his hand he was using to prop himself up.

Anon looked down at it and resisted the urge to flinch away. With a chuckle, he said, "Yeah. Screw her, right?"

Derpy then returned his laugh and said, "Yeah... S-S-Screw her!" She retracted her hoof and released a breath at the end of her speech, smiling with joy at having successfully forced the offensive word past her lips.

Anon then leaned closer to Derpy and said, "Oh yeah! I never got to show you that hand trick last night, did I?"

Derpy gasped and placed her hooves to her cheeks in excitement with a shake of her head. Anon smiled to himself, glad to see her back in good spirits.

"Watch closely, now..." Anon then held out his hand, bringing his other hand out alongside it. Derpy watched with fascination as she munched on her final sandwich.

He brought his pointer fingers together, with his other fingers retracted from her view. He then covered the pointer of one hand with the pointer of the other, and brought it down across his knuckles. Once his moving pointer finger uncovered where the other had been, the covered pointer finger had vanished.

Derpy gasped once more and dropped her sandwich to her plate, turning to face him completely. Anon's pointer finger retracted away from the bottom knuckle of the other hand, gradually revealing his pinkie finger now outstretched behind it. He repeated this motion several times, with Derpy's head following it like a lazer.

After Anon finished and began to laugh, Derpy cheered and clopped her hooves together with her eyes closed. "That was amazing, Anon!"

"It's really nothing special, Derpy, but I'm glad you enjoyed it!" He reached back down for his own sandwich. "So, you're the local mailmare - how long have you had that gig running for?"

Derpy settled back down in her original spot and retieved her sandwich. She scarfed down the last of it before responding, "For a few years now, I think. Time really does fly." She laughed. "And so do I!"

"That you do," said Anon, rustling through the chip bag with a chuckle. "So do you enjoy it? You often seem to have a smile on your face whenever I see you flitting through town with your cute little outfit on."

Derpy's cheeks flushed. "I absolutely do. Ponies sometimes get a little mad at my clumsy flying," she said, looking down at her plate. "But, I really enjoy getting to stretch my wings and complete my route."

"What about you? Where do you work?" asked Derpy, finishing off her drink before reaching for some chips.

"I work for Mayor Mare at the moment. She calls the job a 'legislative administrator' role, but all I really do is file some papers and help approve anonymously-submitted requests," replied Anon, digging through the picnic basket to retrieve his flask and top up Derpy's drink.

"You approve your own requests?" asked Derpy with incredulity as he leaned across her.

Anon flinched back and stared ahead of himself in confusion. "No no, I mean 'anonymous', as in they're submitted by ponies who..." His speech trailed off as he watched Derpy's mischievous, giggling expression partially hidden behind a hoof.

Anon blinked several times, never in his life having been happier to have been outplayed.

With a toothy grin, the man snatched Derpy's now empty plate, and as he piled a few more sandwich halves upon it he said, "Oh, you better hope you don't get the trapwich here, Derpy, or you're getting hurled into that pond tail-first in three seconds flat!"

Derpy excitedly breathed out a few of those goofy chuckles he was very quickly growing fond of. "I'll be sure to cross my hooves, then!"

Anon simply sat in silence, watching her from the corner of his eye with a smile as she grabbed one of the sandwiches. She glanced at him sheepishly a few times before taking a bite. She breathed a sigh of relief and pumped a hoof in the air. "Ahah! I did it!" she cheered.

A couple of birds rustled and flew off from the branches above her head, and Anon moaned in dismay. There were so few sandwiches left now that he had half of them on his plate. Despite there being a couple left in the basket, the chances of his sandwich being trapped were now dangerously high.

Oh well, this wouldn't be the most he's ever lost on a coin toss.

He breathed a heavy sigh as he grabbed his own sandwich, preparing to bite into it. Derpy sipped from her cup and then watched him with excitement, licking her lips as she rustled around the bottom of the chip bag.

With quivering fingers, Anon took his bite. Derpy held her breath with an expectant smile as she bit her bottom lip.

Anon coughed with the food still in his mouth. His eyes began to water and he tried to pass off a heave as him swallowing. With a physical flinch, gulped it down and then looked down at Derpy with a wobbly brow. "S'good. B-Better luck next time, Derpster," he wheezed.

Derpy frowned cheekily and leaned closer to him. "Oh, good," she purred, "then you won't mind finishing that totally-not-a-trapwich off so we can get to the muffins, would you?" Anon glanced back down at the sandwich held between his fingers as Derpy chortled in his left ear.

"S-Sure. One sec." Anon moved to take another bite, but froze with the sandwich between his teeth. Wincing his eyes closed, he willed his teeth to do their due diligence, hoping Discord would show up to momentarily banish his tongue to a pocket dimension.

With a heavy sigh, Anon dropped the trapwich back to his plate with a thud. "Aha! I did it!" cheered Derpy. "I'm the winner!" Derpy stood to her hooves and literally jumped for joy, pumping her hooves alternately.

Anon placed his hands to his head and rubbed his temples. With a resigned expression, he turned to Derpy and said, "Alright, a deal's a deal..." His expression turned smug as he sucked in his lips. "Go ahead and throw me in the pond, then."

Derpy stopped her jumping and looked over at Anon. With her standing and him sitting on his backside, the two were a similar height. She lifted a hoof and leaned back, her eyes scanning his body as though searching for a point of leverage. Nibbling on a hoof, she came closer to him and gingerly tugged at the arm of his shirt. "O-Okay... Here goes! Hnng!"

To her dismay, despite her struggling and slipping on the blanket, Anon had not budged an inch. In fact, he let himself fall totally limp, plopping down on the checkered blanket in his best impression of the beloved Smarty Pants. He grinned up at her in challenge, and she decided to change her tactic.

She shuffled around behind him and pushed at his back. She successfully rolled him onto his stomach, but found herself unable to flip him again. As she strained and pulled under his shoulder, Anon burst out laughing and quickly stood to his feet.

"A spectacular effort, Derpy! Here..." Anon walked over the the edge of the pond and spread his arms out wide. "I'll let you do the honours."

Derpy bounded over to him, stopping just shy of his towering form and peering up at him with a grin. "A-Are you sure, Anon?"

"Yup. Like I said, a deal's a deal. Let me have it!"

Derpy giggled and took flight, placing her hooves to his broad chest and giving him a gentle push. The push had been so gentle, in fact, that Anon shook his head with a smirk and flung himself back with her motion.

A few nearby ponies at the pond's edge yelped at the resulting splash as Anon's large form plunged into the pond's murky water. Several looked to him with concern or even sympathy, but once he resurfaced with a loud gasp and subsequent joyous laugh, a few of them began to snicker with him.

Derpy stomped her front hooves in excitement as she watched him before running away from the pond's edge. After a few seconds, she came speeding back towards the pond at full pelt. However, instead of the leap she intended, she tripped over her hooves at the pond's edge and planted face-first into the water beside him with a yelp.

Anon furrowed his brow in concern at first and moved to dig through the water for the bubbly mare, but this was short lived, as after a second or two, Derpy exploded from the surface of the pond in hysterical laughter. She turned to face Anon with a triumphant grin. Anon matched her enthusiasm, with Derpy suddenly growing quiet once she noticed all the attention they were getting from nearby ponies.

She smiled gently at Anon and said, "Anon... What was in that sandwich, anyway?"

He scoffed and stuck out his tongue as he made his way to the pond's edge and lifted himself out. He offered her a hand, which she gratefully accepted. "Oh, nothing too terrible. I just put some peanut butter, mayo, apple spread and pickle juice on it."

Derpy screwed up her muzzle and said, "Eww!"

"Well I would say 'don't knock it 'til you try it, but uh..." He yacked out his tongue again and smacked his lips with a grimace. "Yeah..."

Derpy shook off the loose water in her coat, causing Anon to flinch back with a chuckle. He looked down at his soaked clothes and said, "Hey, how about those muffins? I know we're soaked, but how 'bout we take one for the road?"

"Sure! I'd love a muffin." Derpy bounced back over to the blanket.

Anon stepped back over to the basket and retrieved the bag they'd gotten from Sugarcube Corner. He reached in and asked, "Blueberry or chocolate?"

"Hmm..." Derpy placed a hoof to her chin and went silent, flipping her hoof to the left and right as what appeared to be the most difficult inner battle of her life waged war against her tongue. "B-Blueberry! No, chocolate!"

Anon chuckled, "It's fine, Derpy - we got plenty of both, remember? You can obviously have more than one."

Derpy bonked herself on the side of the head and stuck out her tongue. "Right, of course. Um, then surprise me!"

"Alright. Here ya go," chirped Anon, handing her a blueberry muffin.

"Thanks, Anon," she said. Anon nodded his head and moved to pack away the contents of the picnic back into the basket. Considering how little there was, it only took him a matter of seconds.

"Alright, we're all set." He reached back into the basket and pulled out a blueberry muffin for himself. "We all good to go?"

"Yup!" Anon set off walking, and Derpy followed after him.

The pair had walked together from the park all the way back through to the marketplace, still wet, but not so drenched, from their fun in the sun.

"I had a really nice time today, Anon..." murmured Derpy, munching on a chocolate muffin.

"Me too. I had a lot of fun. Say..." Anon stopped walking, prompting Derpy to do the same as she faced him and tilted her head. "Do you think you'd be interested in, you know... Another da-"

"-Yes!" Derpy's wings extended and she very nearly tackled him. "Oh, s-sorry..."

"No problem, Derpy. S-So, I was actually thinking earlier." Anon casually looked at his nails. "You know how you mentioned earlier that you like those new 'movie' things?"

Derpy's expression lit up and she nodded eagerly. Anon took a deep breath, settling his shoulders and driving away the creeping fingers knocking at his skull. "Well," he continued, "I actually have some human movies back home. F-From my old world."

Derpy's jaw dropped, and unfortunately for her, so too did the rest of her muffin.

She didn't seem to notice, though. "Human movies?!" she squealed. "You have them, too?"

"Yup, we do." He set down the picnic basket beside him. "I was thinking we could invite a few of my friends to have a movie night with us. You know - make it a little more casual?" Derpy beamed at Anon with excitement. "It's okay if you don't want to." He fiddled with his fingers. "We could always do something else. Oh! Like that bowling date. That sounds great."

"No no, a movie night would be amazing! We..." Derpy paused and looked down at her hooves. "We'll have plenty of time to do all kinds of different things, so we c-could go bowling another time." Derpy's finishing statement was posed more as a question, as she peered hopefully up at him with one of her eyes.

There was the response. The response he had been simultaneously hoping for and dreading as though his life depended upon it.

"G-Great! Sure. I'll even get us some food and stuff..." said Anon. Derpy nodded her head with a shining smile. "How about next weekend? We can meet everyone here and then go to my place."

"I can't wait, Anon..." Derpy's cheeks were flushed. She had hung on his every word, naturally stepping closer to him over time.

"Oh, and here." Anon dipped an arm into the basket and produced the bag of muffins. "Have the rest of these muffins; I know how much you love 'em."

Derpy's gaze flicked over from his face and down to the bag. Her mouth opened. "A-Are you sure, Anon? You paid for those..."

"One hundred percent," replied Anon, with a wink. She took the bag from his hand with a grateful nod. "So, I'll see you next week?"

"Absolutely!" Anon set off walking back towards his home with a little wave. "Bye, Anon!"

"See ya, Derpy!" he replied.

Derpy dug into the bag in search of another muffin. However, when she leaned over the edge of the bag, she noticed something odd.

Nestled in among the large, airy delicacies sat a smaller muffin. It was grey in colour, much like her coat, with some small wings to match sprouting from the sides of it. They appeared to be made of icing. It also had a small, cream-coloured blob of icing at the top, which seemed to be whipped icing, giving it a wavy texture, like her mane.

Derpy's confused face broke out in a giddy grin when she noticed the pattern of light grey icing bubbles dotted around the edge of the muffin's raised surface.

She lifted the muffin out of the bag before letting the bag itself drop down to the floor with a gentle smack. Joyful tears welled in the corners of her eyes as she looked back across the marketplace in search of Anon - but he had already gone.

She didn't really want to eat it, but... He had thought of her when he had this made.

Letting it go stale and rot would be awful! As much as she wanted to cherish it, eating it almost felt more right in that moment. And so, she peeled back the paper from the bottom and moved to take a bite.

That was when made another discovery - delicately inserted into the base of the muffin was what appeared to be a small piece of paper, or something of the sort. It had been inserted as such that just a small edge could be seen sticking out of it, and so Derpy battled for a moment in order to get a grip on it with her teeth.

One wrong move here, and she could drop this beautiful gift. Sweat began to form on her brow as she focused every inch of her attention into ensuring she didn't mess this one thing up. She begged herself to just put her clumsiness aside for this one important task.

With a careful tug, Derpy successfully pulled the item from the muffin, falling back on her rump. She panted, visually checking to make sure she was still holding the muffin. To her immense relief, it remained unharmed. After carefully placing the muffin back into the fallen bag for now, Derpy observed the item she had pulled from it.

It appeared to be a folded piece of paper. Had he left her a note, or something like that? She gasped - or maybe a love letter?! With a blush, she unfolded the paper and froze. It was an envelope.

In a feverish hurry and with trembling hooves, she opened it up, only to find it was... Empty?

Confused, Derpy closed the envelope and looked closely at what was written on the front. It simply read:

To,
Anon

From,
Derpy

After thinking for a few moments, her expression softened and she smiled to herself. She held the envelope close to her chest and closed her eyes, remaining careful not to wet the envelope with her still damp coat.

This time, a single drop of salty liquid stained the stone beneath her hooves.

Well, it was time. After a week of agony, he was finally going to see Derpy again. Could he call her his marefriend yet? He didn't really know how those things worked here, so he wouldn't want to risk offending her. This was to be their second date ever, after all.

Okay, Anon. He'd show Derpy a piece of his past, and if he was fortunate, perhaps he'd find out a little more about her as well. As the man peered off into the orange glow of the afternoon sun, he felt a great wave of some obscure emotion wash through him. Hopefully that wasn't connected to you know who in any way...

"Seriously, Anon, she's gotta be the one! You know? The one, one."

Ugh. Maybe inviting Prowler had been a mistake.

"Coropral Heartbreaker, dude, you said that to me a week ago about the other mare," groaned Anon.

"Nah, but I'm being serious this time. That was just a Hearts and Hooves fling thing," said Prowler, standing next to an unimpressed Rumble. "I'm Seriously serious now - look." Prowler sat back on his haunches and gave Anon his best attempt at a masculine resting face, even tilting his chin around to test different angles as he did so.

Anon smacked a palm to his forehead and rubbed at it with irritation. "Okay, Spermacus, Derpy is going to be here soon. So please, just stop being... You." He sighed, closing his eyes.

"Jeez, dude, alright. I'll behave, or whatever. Oh, is this her now?" Prowler turned his head to the sound of approaching hoofsteps from around the corner of the quiet marketplace.

Anon's countenance brightened at the sound, and he leaned across slightly to get a better view. Rumble watched him with a snicker. However, upon seeing a notebook held in a distinct lavender aura round the corner and the purple pony accompanying it, Anon's elated expression sunk like even his best attempts at skimming pebbles as a kid.

She appeared to be deep in thought, and so rammed into the backside of Rumble, nearly giving him an unwelcome backdoor visitor in the form of her horn in the process.

Rumble, the massive stallion that he was, didn't so much as budge when she bonked into him, and so she was sent tumbling to the ground.

"Owowowow..." Twilight rubbed at her head with a wince before noticing her company.

"Y-Your majesty, my apologies." stammered Rumble, moving to help her to her hooves.

"Maaaan, this is gonna be so weird, having a movie night with our boss..." Prowler jutted his head forward with a pout and a deadpan.

"Th-Thanks, Rumble." Twilight said as she cleared her throat and turned her attention to Prowler. "Well, since Anon is finally showing some of the stuff he's had hiding under his bed for the past year, I wouldn't miss this opportunity for the world." Anon's eyes widened in shock.

She picked her notepad back up and tapped her quill to it. "In fact, from what I've seen of humans so far, this very well could change the world." Anon bit his lower lip and began to sweat. For God's sake, Spergle - control yourself, girl...

Anon zoned out Twilight's continued rambling and tried to listen for Derpy. That was when he heard it. The distinct distant cry of a pony in dismay over some kind of damaged personal possession, and the accompanying high-pitched apologies coming from his favourite mare.

A smile broke out on his face and he looked toward the source. Prowler glanced at Rumble and rolled his eyes, prompting Rumble to shake his head in disappointment at the feather-brained stallion. Prowler scowled.

"Hi, Anon! Sorry I'm a little late; I had to s-sort out a few things on my way here," Derpy panted, placing a hoof to her chest in an effort to slow her breathing.

"No problem, Derpy. I'm so happy to see you! Feels like forever," replied Anon. Derpy flew close to him, and Anon glanced nervously at his friends. The pair then shared the most brief, awkward hug Rumble had ever seen. Did they even touch each other?

Twilight was practically rocketing into the stratosphere at the sight. She knew that pushing Anon to go to that event had been a good idea, but this... She began scribbling down in her notepad with a stupid grin on her face. As Anon and Derpy watched her do this, he gave the grey mare an apologetic grin.

"Okay then, let's be off. Follow me, if you dare!" announced Anon.

Everypony in the group chuckled besides Prowler and Twilgiht, with the latter absently following behind the group while continuing to scribble in her pad.

A short time later, the group found themselves in the hallway of Anon's humble home. Anon instinctively moved to ask his company if he could take their coats, only to realise that asking that here might get him a scream rather than a thanks.

"Your place still reeks, Anon. Is this what humans smell like?" asked Prowler. Anon glared daggers at him as he walked into his bedroom.

He had cleared away all the nonesense off the floor and rolled in a sofa from the living area. Now that was a task his back was still yanking his chain over. With everything moved out besides his bed and computer setup, it was a decently large, open and yet cozy space, if he did say so himself.

"Well, take a seat, folks. The show starts in ten, so get your refreshments ready asap," Anon flourished an arm with a bow.

"Show-off..." murmured prowler. Twilight continued to beam at his words and scribble down notes.

Prowler and Rumble seated themselves next to each other on the far right side of the long sofa, with Twilight taking a seat on Anon's bed. Anon raised an eyebrow at this, but once he saw her edge her way to the foot of it in order to get even closer to the screen, his head merely shook instead.

He sat down on the opposite end of the sofa from Prowler and Rumble, next to the bed, and Derpy immediately snuggled between his body and the soft, wide arm of the sofa. Anon blinked at this, growing hot under the collar and wondering what to do with his arms. For now, he elected to keep them at his sides.

Thankfully, he'd been able to afford a pretty big monitor back home, so it was plenty large enough for everyone to see it just fine from this distance. He'd even rearranged his desk a little to have the monitor more centralised and easily visible.

"N-Nice, this should work," stammered Anon, resisting the urge to reach over and yank on Prowler's wings to silence his snickers. "Oh, I almost forgot. I'll go get the snacks..."

Anon stood up and then returned a minute or so later with a small table and a few packets of various chips and candies.

"I put an extra large pizza in, too, so we'll have some actual food soon. Try not to spoil your appetite."

"Yes sir!" chirped Prowler. However, a strange choking sound followed as Rumble roughly elbowed him in the ribs. As Rumble muttered something in Prowler's ear, Anon stood to take the first movie he had prepared on his desk.

"These are movies on disks that I can use to play them with my computer."

Twilight's expression exploded with excitement at the prospect. "WHAT?! How does that-"

"-Later, Spergle. The tech is mostly deprecated in my world now, but they do still make them." Anon slotted the disk into his computer. "I suppose now is probably the time to tell you all that I'm actually an actor in these movies I'll show you tonight."

Everypony gawped at him. Derpy appeared starstruck, her eyes twinkling in the light from his monitor.

"Yeah, that was my job back home... I was a B-list actor, heh... M-Make of that what you will." He sat back down beside Derpy and she leaned over across his lap.

"You were a movie actor?! That's amazing, Anon!" sang Derpy, her wings twitching at her sides.

"Eh, I'm not too surprised, to be honest," quipped Prowler. "He always was a bit of an actor."

This time, Anon really did reach over and grab at his wings. Prowler pulled away with an antagonistic, boisterous laughter until he was all but sitting in Rumble's lap.

Rumble sighed and picked the stallion up with one hoof before slamming him back down on the seat beside him. With a thankful glance in Rumble's direction, Anon continued, "I've picked three movies for us to watch, tonight. It's early enough that we should get time for 'em all."

He coughed into his fist and then smiled at Derpy, trying to ignore the irritating scribbling sound of Twilight's notepad. "The first movie is a fun slice-of-life movie. I have a pretty minor role in it, but I'm there..." Anon's brow wobbled. "The second movie is a slasher movie, and the last one is more of a romance comedy. I've heard that romance comedies are pretty popular here."

"What's a 'slasher' movie?" asked Twilight, with a now unrestrained excitement. Anon felt close to losing his lunch.

"... As I've told you before, my world is extremely dark and cruel when compared to yours." He looked Twilight in the eye. "It's a movie about a human killing other humans." A sickened feeling stirred within his gut as he felt Derpy jerk slightly against his side. "Crazy, awful crap like that actually happens in my world, s-so making movies about it only makes sense."

Anon then turned to Prowler, now noticing his fearful expression. Something inside of the man started to break. "You might like that second one actually, Prowler," said Anon, with a small, forced grin.

"Wh-Wha? That sounds awful!" said Prowler, instinctively drawing closer to Rumble as he spoke. Anon began to feel a form of panic building within his cheeks, his fingers and brain demanding more oxygen than they were allowed.

"Well, spoiler alert, but I'm one of the victims in the movie." At that, Prowler leaned back towards Anon with a confused expression, looking him up and down.

"Then how are you...?"

"It's a movie, son. That's why he isn't dead. Moron," grumbled Rumble.

"Oh, no..." Anon looked down to find Derpy gripping at his shirt with a quivering lip. "I don't know if I want to see that, Anon..." she whispered.

Anon grabbed her forehoof and gave it a gentle squeeze. "It's alright, Derpy. It's not real, remember? And it happens largely off-screen, anyway, so you won't actually see it."

Anon fiddled with his hands, appearing visibly distressed. Derpy wrapped her hooves around his arm, prompting Twilight to gasp and continue scrawling. "Okay, Anon; I'll watch it. I can tell that this is important for you."

Anon swivelled his head to face her and said, "You never know - you might love the rush. None of it is real, and the special effects used are way better than anything that exists here."

"Really?!" shouted Twilight, prompting everyone else to flinch.

"Yes, Twilight. Now watch, Twilight," grumbled Anon.

With that, Anon stood from his seat and leaned across his desk. As he hovered his mouse over the 'play' button, he hesitated. After having been frozen for several seconds, his features trembled somewhat.

He almost leaped into the air when he felt something touch his hip. He turned to find Derpy holding a hoof to his side and giving him a warm smile. She nodded her head, and he hit the button.

Well, he made it. They watched all three movies. Anon resisted the urge to pat himself on the back. It had been one of the most stressful nights of his life, but he made it through. Now he just had to deal with the fallout and the questions. He'd already answered so many from everypony present.

"Bookly, please... Leave me be," said Anon, leaning back into the sofa with his arm wrapped around Derpy.

Wait, when did they get like that? Anon paused and stared directly ahead of himself. He gave his arm a gentle tug, not daring to move it otherwise.

So soft...

Despite having been here for a year, Anon had barely had any physical contact with anypony. Perhaps shaken a few hooves, tackled Prowler and Celestia a few times... But that was about it.

Anon's face flushed a deep red and he let his arm fall limp around her shoulders.

"But Anon, you have to tell me how those 'cars' work!" whined Twilight.

"I told you - I don't know, Sperg! Other humans make them - it's the same as with the computer." He looked down to Derpy and rolled his eyes. "And besides, how can you still be thinking about stuff like that when you were puking up your guts earlier when that guy got his head lopped off?"

"Anon, please don't mention that again!" moaned Prowler.

"Don't be a wimp, Toweler. Looking real wet and floppy right now, dude," teased Anon. His ears were graced with the musical sound of Derpy giggling next to him. "Like my severed leg." He then gasped in laughter as Derpy lightly shoved him in the left side of his ribs for that.

Anon peeked down at her with a wink, and she shook her head at him with a reserved smile. "Don't speak about that, Anon!" whined Derpy. "Your leg is fine... See." She patted him on the thigh.

She... She patted him on the thigh? Anon lifted his arms on instinct as he swallowed his accumulated spittle.

"Y-Yeah, it's f-fine. Yep," stammered Anon. The room went silent.

To Anon's horror, Twilight once again broke the silence by beginning to scribble on her pad. This caused Prowler to bust out in hysterics, and Anon cradled his burning face with a hand.

Derpy appeared confused and asked, "What's wrong, Anon?"

"All good, Derpy. All good." Anon looped his arm back around her shoulders and cleared his throat.

"You know..." Prowler mused. Anon sighed internally. "After seeing all the human females in those movies..."

"Don't, Piledriver. Don't," pleaded Anon.

"Careful, son," growled Rumble, leering at Prowler.

"Say, Twilight, are you sure you can't get me a ticket to visit the human world?" asked prowler, before yelping as Rumble audibly clonkled him on the head.

Twilight stopped her scribbling and screwed up her face. "Huh?" she asked, with incredulity.

"No, Twilight. Ignore him, Twilight," droned Anon. He grew quiet and then stood up from his seat, rubbing the back of his head as he walked away.

"Hey, you alright, son?" asked Rumble, perking up in his seat and giving Prowler the stink-eye.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. Just going to the bathroom."

"If you're sure..."

Derpy watched Anon go, deflating into her seat. She looked over to Anon's computer, and while she felt sickened at the thought of the horrible movie they watched, she found herself flushing at the cheeks at the thought of the last one. Perhaps there was more beauty in Anon's world than he gave it credit for.

Minutes passed, and Anon had not yet returned. Prowler scoffed and looked at a watch that he wasn't wearing. "Taking a dump while his date is waiting right here." said Prowler. "Psh. Humans, am I right?"

"Right about what, Prowler? What about humans? I have a complete list - here," chirped Twilight, floating her notepad around to face the stallions.

"N-Nothing, Princess Twilight..." muttered Prowler as the pitch of his voice shifted upwards and his eyes grew sunken.

Without saying a word, Derpy stood from her seat and began searching for Anon's bathroom. She bonked her head on one of his bookcases on her way there, but it was a proud piece of human ingenuity, and so it held firm without toppling.

She came across a closed white door with a brass handle. Looking up at the door, she lifted a hoof and gently knocked. "Anon," she called, "are you in there?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm here. 'Sup, Derpy?"

Derpy thought to herself for a moment. "Can I come in?"

She didn't receive a response right away, but after some time the human sighed out a response. "Sure..." With that, Derpy creaked the door open and entered the room. Anon was sitting on the edge of his bath tub.

It didn't look like he had been crying, but he was very clearly in distress, if the tired eyes and limp wrists were any indication.

Derpy slowly approached him before perching up on the edge of the bath tub next to him.

... That is, until she slipped and fell into the tub with a thunk.

"Woah! You alright there, Derpy?" asked Anon. When she chuckled in response and held out a hoof, Anon gripped her by the barrel and effortlessly lifted her back to sit beside him once more.

Derpy's face grew flushed, appearing surprised by just how easily he had lifted her from the porcelain cradle. "What?" chuckled Anon. "Derpy, you weigh like seventy pounds, or something like that."

Derpy wriggled a hoof on the edge of the tub, avoiding eye contact with him as she smiled to herself. "Y-Yeah. That's true."
She looked off to the side and steeled her nerves. "Anon...?"

"Yeah?"

"You didn't have to be so afraid, you know."

Anon swallowed in an inaudible gulp and croaked, "Afraid of what?"

"Afraid to show everypony your past. Where you came from." She looked up into his face, drawing his attention. She smiled at him, and she wore it beautifully. The dim light of the moon from the window above their perch cascaded through its frosted glass, bathing her beautiful features in a cool glow.

"I can't imagine being in your position, Anon. You're a really strong po- person. You know that?" She placed her hoof on his hand; his fingers twitched, but their contact remained firm. "I need you to know that. I know that you're hurting, with your loved ones so far away, but..." Anon's eye twitched, and she took notice.

"I'm sorry, Anon. I'm such an airhead, so I know I'm not the best pony to be giving advice on anything, but..." Her hoof curled around the side of his palm, as though asking permission, and he naturally lifted it. She wrapped her hoof around his fingers, and he closed them to lock the two souls together in a comfortable embrace.

Anon noticed Derpy's breath hitch the moment their appendages embraces. "I just think you should know that I am happy you're here, right now," she said, as her left eye drifted over to eyeball his shower. "I'm sure all your friends feel the same way, and showing us your past hasn't changed that. I don't think any less of you."

Anon felt that familiar feeling welling within him.

It was that same feeling he felt during that most stressful night of his life, where he put everything on the line for a chance at this. That feeling pressured his eye sockets, wetting his eyes and driving an instinctive need to wipe. But he didn't. He let it burn.

At Derpy's words, the shadows in the room didn't seem quite so menacing. The disturbing, distant calls from beneath his bed settled and reduced to whispers.

"Hey, Derpy..." said Anon, his deeper voice rattling the porcelain beneath them. "Our date last week - uh, d-did you get the...?"

Derpy's smile spread, the rest of her face remaining stationary. He felt her squeeze his fingers the smallest amount. And then, she nodded.

"Oh, good. Heh. Was just making sure..." trailed Anon, looking away over towards his sink. He heard Rumble, Prowler and Twilight laughing together in the distance from the other room. He smiled.

Despite what he'd lost... Yeah. Things were going to be just fine.

After a few more moments of silence, Derpy said, "A-Anon... Can I ask you something? I would really like you to be honest with your answer."

Anon blinked and looked down at her, gently squeezing the hoof he still held in his hand. "Of course. You can ask me anything, Derpy."

"What do you think of my... M-My eyes?" Anon could feel her gaze locked on his face with intensity, and yet he didn't worry. He didn't flounder or blunder; such a thing was impossible. "I know it's just a silly thing to worry about, b-but-"

The answer rolled off his tongue like clockwork. "-It isn't silly, Derpy. Not in the slightest." When she moved to lower her chin, he cupped it with his pointer finger and directed her gaze back to his own. Her eyes widened at what she saw. "I think your eyes are beautiful." Her mismatched orbs began to water. "They make you special, and most importantly, they're part of what makes you... You."

Derpy watched his expression carefully. What she saw there was nothing but staunch resolution and a passionate honesty. Her lips spread in a wobbly smile and she squinted her eyes closed, allowing a few tears to drip down and land on the back of the gentle hand that held her hoof.

Derpy sniffled a couple of times, and Anon rubbed her shoulder with his free hand. "And besides, Derpster," he said. "Look at me! I mean, look at your cute little wobbly eyes, and then look at my big hairless self. You're the one putting up with imperfection here, little miss."

Derpy's grip on his hand strengthened and she leaned in closer to him. "What?! Absolutely not. I think you're lovely on the inside and the outside. Those hands of yours are pretty." She thinks back to moments earlier when he lifted her from the tub. "A-And your big strong arms, and your kind smile..."

"Okay, okay, Derpy - that's enough!" said Anon, waving her off with his free hand, his face ablaze. "... I could say the same about you. I have met some great ponies in this world, but..."

Derpy blinked up at him with concern at the change in tone. Anon continued, "Sometimes, I just-" He sighed with frustration. "Sometimes, I go to sleep at night worried that this will all have been a dream." The man looked down at his lap. "Your world is so much nicer than mine that I still have a hard time believing it's real, even a year later... Especially now with you. I just... Want to know that it's real..."

Derpy did not respond at first, simply allowing him to calm his breathing.

As Anon cradled his head with his free hand, Derpy said, "I don't know, Anon... Tell me..." The man sensed her growing closer to him from his left side as she leaned closer.

What was happening? WHAT WAS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?

"... Does this feel real to you?" She kissed him on his cheek. Brief and simple. But for Anon, his entire world just exploded. An entire universe of electrifying colour and life danced and swirled in and out and around through his eyes, mouth and ears. All of his senses stood on end and his body locked up, unresponsive to anything beyind his newfound personal paradise.

For her part, Derpy flinched away from him and tucked her shoulders into herself, her face an inferno burning in the soft chill of the night.

A whistle sounded from the door, ripping Anon from heaven and back down to the tiling beneath his feet.

"Damn - feeling bold, are we? A kiss on the cheek? You even let me have a front row seat to that sweet ape on equine action, phoowee!" cheered Prowler, as he leaned against the door frame while reared on his hind legs.

Derpy wondered what it was at first. It had sounded like the distant rumble of an approaching train, but... They weren't close enough to any stations around here. No, as the sound escalated, its source became clear. As Anon's growling grew to a roar, Derpy placed a hoof to her lips and held back a laugh.

"Toweler, you little feathery runt - get your ass over here!" shouted Anon as he flew from the edge of the tub and chased a now panting Prowler through the house.

Derpy smiled to herself and clopped back down to the tiling. She took a brief glance around the room, until her gaze landed upon the mirror positioned above Anon's sink. She reared onto her hind legs and rested her gooves on the edge of it.

Upon viewing her reflection in the mirror, she took note of her gaze being just like that of a normal pony. However, as a few seconds passed, her right pupil drifted off to the side and then swung around to rest at an odd angle. And yet, as she looked upon it - she smiled

As she heard Anon screaming at Prowler in the distance, that smile grew. Grew into a big, cheesy smile.

With her mind buzzing, she clopped back down and moved out through the hall to rejoin the others. Making sure to avoid the bookcase this time. She took a seat alongside the still ranting Anon, and he instinctively hooked an arm around her side.

Moments later, a gentle popping sound filled the room, and all grew silent.

Standing in the middle of the room was none other than Princess Celestia, retired Princess of the Sun, and Equestria's ex-ruler.

As if on impulse, everypony in the room besides Anon bowed their heads.

"Oh, no no, my little ponies. I'm no longer your princess. Please, lift your heads." said Celestia, in that gentle motherly voice she was so reknowned for. Rumble and Prowler were starstruck, while Twilight was beaming.

Anon, however...

"Ugh, what do you want, crone?" Despite their nature, Derpy smiled at Anon's words, immediately getting a decent idea of what to expect from these two together.

Celestia stopped and looked between Anon and Derpy, her invasive gaze settling firmly upon Anon's grip locked around her side.

In a bizarre, disturbing stunt of body morphism, Celestia's gentle visage twisted up into the biggest, most mischievous grin anyone in any universe had ever seen. None would dare contest it. Twilight and her guards held fearful expressions at the sight.

Yes, even Rumble. Not that one could blame him.

"... Well hello there, Anon!" said Celestia, her uncanny grin remaining marbled forevermore. "I got your letter, my little human. In fact, that's why I'm here right now." She produced a piece of paper with her magic and waved it in front of the man's face.

Anon growled. "Don't you dare..." Celestia's gaze slowly scanned the room, until it eventually settled on something peeking out from the small gap between his bed and the wall beside it. "D-Don't you dare! No, Celestia. No!"

"Oh! And what is this?" Celestia pulled her gift from its hiding spot and slowly floated it over to herself, making sure everyone present watched her do so. She unravelled it in a swift grand reveal and audibly gasped upon seeing its cover.

Her expression shifted to one of exaggerated concern. "I didn't know you were into such things, my dear little Anon!" she said as she flicked through the pages, lifting her eyebrows once in a while.

Anon almost perished right there on the spot. This was too much. He silently prayed that some ultra harmony god would come down and smite this uber-granny to a week long vacation.

Twilight gawped at the magazine, and then over at Anon. "Anon, if I knew you were this lonely, I would've recom-"

"-Not another word, Purplesmart! Not another word!" screeched Anon.

Derpy watched the entire scene unfold with a grin so wide it ached her cheeks and brought her close to tears.

"I didn't think you would keep such things in your room, Anon... But, I won't judge you for it. It's perfectly natural behaviour, dear," said Celestia, with the most patronising glaze Anon had ever had the experience of beholding. "Well, anyway... Back to the letter."

Anon's eyes bulged out of his head and he looked to Derpy with depseration as Celestia turned her hind-quarters to him and said, "Okay - go ahead! You promised! Let me have it, Anon."

Anon roared the unrestrained shout of a man beyond his limits - a man who had gone further beyond than any of his ancestors had thought possible. "Oh, I'll let you have it alright! Get over here, grandma!"

Prowler and Derpy burst out in laughter at the short chase that ensued, with Celestia easily dodging Anon's enraged grapples.

Rumble stammered, "P-Princess Celestia, perhaps you'd like to stay and watch some human movies with us?!" Anon paused and looked at Rumble with immense betrayal.

"Oh, you're having a movie night? I had no idea!" proclaimed Celestia, with a caked-on layer of sarcasm so thick that it could double glaze the windows. "That sounds lovely, my little pony."

As Anon made to grab Celestia again in his fury, Twilight had her jaw rammed through the floor in horror at her teacher's behaviour.

For her part, Derpy settled back into her seat, watching Anon in particular with an adoring gaze.

However, she soon noticed Celestia's discarded letter on the floor, and her curiosity got the better of her. She grabbed the letter and discreetly walked back to the doorway for some space. Upon reading it, she grinned to herself and let loose a goofy laugh. It read:

Next time I see your flabby old flanks, I’ll stick that magazine up your ass!

With it was an accompanying image - a crudely-drawn Celestia cartoon with a rolled up magazine sticking halfway out of her backside.

Derpy placed the letter back down on the floor and looked to her hoof. She then glanced back up at the still-rampaging human before returning her gaze to her foreleg. She closed her eyes and imagined that feeling - the feeling of his warm fingers wrapping around her stubby appendage.

Despite the disappointment she felt upon opening her eyes again and finding her hoof not to be wrapped with his fingers, she smiled. A warm feeling flowed through her veins and drew her back towards that sofa. Back towards that silly, tall, strong alien she had grown so fond of.

She glanced through the window to her left and watched the letterbox outside, illuminated by the gentle caress of the moon. She thought back to his special gift to her that was now sitting proudly upon her dresser at home, and then even further back to their first meeting...

She fully intended to fulfil that promise.

After whispering an insincere advance apology to the letterbox, she looked back to Anon once more. She hadn't known him for all that long, but she knew her intended path. She knew she wanted to see where it led, and she wished to tred it with that special alien over there by her side.

Her heart fluttered at the thought of what their future could hold in store for them, and that they would share it with their hearts beating together.

Hoof in hand, and hand in hoof.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading!

This was my first attempt at a fic written in this format, so I would love to hear what you guys think in the comments.

Hope everyone had a lovely Hearts and Hooves Day this year, and remember to always stay true to who you are.