Anon Finds a Sword

by Maple Syrup Tree

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3681

The stash of Princess Celestia is hidden deep within Canterlot Castle. Surely, Anon with unrestricted access is not a terrible idea.

The stash of Princess Celestia is hidden deep within Canterlot Castle. Surely, Anon with unrestricted access is not a terrible idea.

Published 2025-02-12 21:30:00 UTC
Last updated 2025-02-12 21:30:00 UTC

He's Not Him

A white marble room with stylized suns surrounded Anon, mountains of jewels that can put all dragons in Equestria to shame casually rotting inside the vault. Gilded statues of Celestia lie atop the trinket piles, acting like flagpoles with a suspicious amount of weight in gold at their rears, not that he blames the ponysmiths who made them. It's very classy, emphasis on assy. It's topped off with a crystal chandelier that keeps the vault bright, perfect for Anon to see what he'll be pilfering.

"What do we have here?" He's currently fiddling with a massive chunk of metal sticking out of the side of a golden cliffside, a handle buried between crowns and coins. A huge blade of blue metal reveals itself when he pulls it out, lined with an ancient language and decorated like a ceremonial ritual weapon. It's a hunk of steel that's basically a demented crossbreed of The Dragon Slayer and Artorias' Greatsword, which seems highly impractical for small hooves.

He doesn't care much for the answer, it looks cool and he was going to use it to his hearts content. It's as heavy as it looks, granted it was a greatsword and all, but Anon wasn't expecting ponies to wield something resembling this. He gripped the handle and spying a chain that's attached to the hilt, letting him wrap it on his arm to feel tougher. Satisfied with his work, Anon begins dragging it behind himself, letting it emit a grating screech with each step he takes. The edge itself is leaving a gash in the earth behind him, millions of bits in damage can be done in an instant.

It was so cool.

He starts with a slow gait, speeding up as he got used to the weight of the damn thing. Marching down the halls of the Canterlot Castle is much more eventful than usual, shocked guards gaping wide at Anon as they watch him destroy the flooring. They seem terrified of him, inflating his ego each time he stomps his foot down to frighten the daylights out of them. He's making his way towards the court room, terrorizing each pony close by to make sure they know who's the boss, each whimper from a stallion really showing his dominance. He just loves bullying the guards specifically.

After Anon passes by the hall to the dungeon, two mares look at each other.

"We're just decoration, right?"

The other guard nods. "Yep."

"Glad neither of us are dealing with that."

"Anon, or the sword?"

"Both."

"Yep."

In the court room, Celestia's glaring directly at Anon. He's currently raising both hands, having 'coerced' a guard to give him their armor, using a hoof plate as a shoulder pad. What's bothering the sun princess more than Anon, was the fact that he's scaring everypony that has the ability to see. Each of the nobles were shivering, plenty of them already bolting towards the open court doors. The few that stayed are attempting to be brave, attempting being a very important word as they cowered behind the desks.

Anon clears his throat.

"CELESTIA! Your mistake has return!"

"Anon. Where did you-"

"I bring the destruction of Equestria!"

The royalty begin to scream and run, leaving a grinning Anon taunting Celestia while the number of royalty in the court drops. The exit was a mess of heads, trampling each other to get away from the menace with a weapon of war. Only one of the nobles marched up between the throne and Anon, holding a discarded quill with his magic as if it were any match against Anon, let alone a sword. A white coat and a blonde mane, topped with a cutie mark that screamed privilege was standing across from him, the snooty personality seeping through his scared shitless state. The likelihood of him trying to get brownie points with Celestia is enormous, acting as if he can defend Celestia against Sombra himself.

Anon groans at the party pooper, upset his moment is ruined by this pretentious pool noodle. "Blueblood. Can you move your flank? I'm trying to be dramatic. Cool even."

"Silence, beast! I won't let you hurt Celestia!" Blueblood grits his teeth, moving the quill in a circular motion to strike.
Anon snorts, walking towards Blueblood at a snails pace making sure the sword could be heard inching to him. Each tile caused the sword to release a thud, sparking on the marble as his display of power causes Blueblood's eyes to shrink. Once Anon got within distance of the quill, Blueblood struck forwards only to watch as the feather crumpled against his clothing. The screams of a filly coming from a grown stallion bounce around the room as Blueblood flees like momma caught his piss drawer. Pussy.

Celestia motions for a guard to fetch Twilight since Anon's on a spree of his, nothing new to her. There was no one left in the vicinity once the guard left, Anon now alone with Celestia as he starts to pose, Johnny Bravo himself would be proud. He stops in place after a minute, leaning on the sword as if it were a pole and wiggling his eyebrows. "Got the cobwebs out." She smiled back, frustration aimed at Anon for interrupting, but finding the whole situation amusing enough to not blast him into stone.

"Anon, drop the sword."

"Finders keepers."

"Anon."

"You can't make me."

"Anonymous."

"Not my mom."

"There's a fire."

"Huh?"

There was a crackling that he swears is a fireplace, turning to see the carpet ablaze. Ah, the consequences of his actions licking his buttocks. The sparks from the blade must've ignited it, making Anon shriek as he jumps off to the non-flammable marble. Celestia giggles behind a hoof, horn glowing as she quenches the flames. Anon clears his throat again, presenting Celestia a smug grin yet again. Celestia sighs, frowning in response to his display of stubborn idiocy, unable to listen as per usual.

"It's a minotaur weapon from olden times. It once belonged to a tribe leader who passed away, gifted to me as an offering of peace."

"So it's got some cool backstory? Siiiick."

Celestia face-hoofs. "As much as I enjoy your mischief, please put the sword down."

"Dude. It's basically a child finding the perfect stick. You left it rotting in some dump, so give it a home! A princess's trash is a mans treasure after all." Anon tosses his hands up, trying to accentuate his point land. Celestia is not pleased.

"It's barely been three months since your last arrest. Don't let the dungeons become your vacation home."

"To be fair, the dungeons are super comfy. Who gives their inmates room service and cushioned beds? I'm treated better in there than I do at Twilight's!"

"Despite our differences, we can agree that the dungeons are a little... Extravagant." Celestia waves a hoof at the last word, rolling her eyes.

"It's not as if you have prisoners in pony land anyways."

"Blueblood."

"Really?" Anon raised a eyebrow.

"Mhm." Celestia's eyes narrow in the direction of the exit. "He's also the one who pushed for that change."

"Clever pony..." Anon nods in approval. "Hold on, we're getting off topic. Lemme keep it, pretty please?"

"No."

"Not even with a cherry cake on top?"

Celestia hesitates for a split second. "No."

"Auuugh." Anon groans, gripping the handle tight with both hands as he lifts up the weapon. The weight making him heft it upwards with more force than he intended, causing inertia to flip him along with the sword. A familiar gold glow holds Anon as the clattering of metal hit the floor, Celestia chuckling at the sight.

"Thanks Celly, can you drop me to so I can grab my sword?"

With laughter slowing to a deadpan stare, Celestia's horn stops it's glow. Anon falls to the ground, dropping his head on the flat side of the weapon. He holds his head and makes his discomfort loud and clear.

"Owwww! Fuck! Couldn't you do it softer?" He snorts. "That's what she said."

Just as Celestia was going to remind him about the weapon not being his, Twilight Sparkle burst into the room. Her stance wide, frantic eyes scanning the area in urgency. "Princess Celestia! I came as soon as I could!" Her gallop sliding to a stop as she stumbles right up to Anon. Her jaw dropping as she gawks at the sight.

"Anon? Why do you have a sword?"

"I'm not repeating myself." Anon drawls out as he crawls back up, rubbing the back of his head to soothe the pain. "Can I get a kiss on my booboo, Princess?"

Celestia's demeanor changes, shifting to her 'Ruler of Equestria' mask. Her snout now holds a smile that could melt even the most stone cold hearts. Sadly, Anon's a rock forged in the frozen peaks of the North.

"Twilight, if you would be so kind as to remove Anon from the castle, I would be most grateful."

"RIGHT AWAY!" A mechanical doll meant to follow orders is what Twilight is in Anon's eyes at the moment. A loud pop, followed by a purple flash let her know that Twilight had teleported herself and Anon out, leaving Celestia alone to relax for a few minutes. She stretches her wings in preparation for the nobles to return, staying still for hours leaving her stiff.

The princess' eye glance to where Anon had left, a volcano of irritation beginning to crack over her.

"Where is it."

To Twilight, it was as if Discord incarnate had entered the library, there was a cackling that can challenge Pinkie echoing around the wooden walls.

"BAHAHAHAHA-" Anon's laughter turns into sputtering coughs, the aftermath of teleporting is hitting him. "Hrk! Oh god. Can you listen to Spike for once and NOT teleport without warning?" Twilight turns towards Anon with a sheepish smile, watching as he bends over to catch his breath. She gasps when she saw the chain wrapped around his hand, the sword laying on the ground nearby.

"Uh oh."

Anon notices it too.

"Oh YEAH!"

"I'll need to retu-"

"Fuck off, Sparkle! Me and this glorious steel are going to make sweet, sweet love in the form of smashing shit in town."
"Don't-" Twilight begins to charge her horn to float the sword away, getting a finger flicking her as it charges. It shocks her enough to stop the casting and making her yelp, holding her horn with her hooves to calm the ache that comes with interrupted charging. Just as she was going to try again, Anon kicks open the door to the library and makes his exit, slamming it behind him.

Leaving Sparkle behind, the road outside of Golden Oaks holds an assortment of Ponyville residents, every one of them startled by the bang of the slam. Anon gazes over the crowd, deciding with a nod that it's enough witnesses. Everypony in Ponyville is used to Anon, being that he lives there, but they were always afraid of his antics.

And they are currently afraid of him with a big fuckoff sword.

Anon grins at the ponies, heaving the high and pointing to the sky. With a clear of the throat, he speaks loud for everypony nearby to hear.

"I have... THE POWER!!!"

...

There's a human body eating shit face down, spasming as the ponies nearby surround him in concern. Anon found out the hard way that the sword still has magic within it, years of unuse not diminishing it's capabilities. The scorch marks underneath him show a lightning strike had hit him, some ponies looking skywards to find any pegasi that could have done the deed. Anon begins to stir as ponies shuffled, groaning loudly as he rises. His head is at crush depth, and his mind on a overclocked carousel.

"This headache is killing me... Where's the Tylenol when you need it."

As he stands up, the residents give him confused looks, one of them beginning to open their mouth to speak. Anon swings the sword to shut him up, everypony else freezing in place as he taps the ground with it. "Shoo."

They all just look at him, mentally asking if he has brain damage.

After an ineffective attempt at getting them to leave, he speaks again. "Get outta here before I go full executioner on you." He says, holding the sword and walking towards the nearest pony. They all know Anon was 95% horseapples, but they aren't keen on finding out if the executioner part is the 5%. They get back to their previous activities, some faster than others, and all of them agreeing to stay far away from him.

Anon's stumbling around, lugging the weapon behind him as he searches for nothing in particular. It's clear his balance has issues, and with one hand on his scalp the headache is evident. The pressure on his precious dome feels terrible, as if it's exam week without warning. Deciding to himself that Ponyville General Hospital will be the destination of his march, he trudges across the town in a fashion akin to a drunkard. Every so often he flails the sword to slice random objects, giggling to himself at how easily it carves through lampposts.

"Like the old hot knife videos. Good times..."

"I finally control a host! Silver Horn lives again!"

"Huh?"

Anon looks for the source of the voice as his mind slowly processes what exactly was said.

"New host? Are you in my head or something?"

"What manner of creature are you?"

Anon scowls slightly, the headache was minor compared to being ignored by some ancient artifact. He comes to the conclusion it's the sword speaking to him, thinking that he would be the very last choice of mental possession. That means this thing also struck him with lightning, which also means it's the thing that's pissing him off.

"What are you on about. Human, dipshit. Now get outta my idea machine."

"This is my body now, WHELP! Surrender your thoughts to me! I was made to take over an alicorn, but you will do nicely!"

"Quit with the fucking yelling... Wait my thoughts?"

Anon grows a devious grin. He didn't care if he looks psychotic talking to himself, ponies tend to avoid you when you're slashing benches for fun.

"Yes! Your thoughts!" The headache pulses along with the pressure increase. It isn't going to kill him, but it's annoying and very disorienting.

"You can see them?"

"Yes... In fact, I shall invade your innermost memories..." The voice bellows out a hearty laugh, Anon simply smiling to himself despite the balloon in his brain.

"Go right ahead."

The horror. The absolute engulfing horror that the spirit in the sword is experiencing is the worst that he had ever seen. Silver Horn never believed in Tartarus, having thought of it as a myth, but this sentient filth of a monster is walking Tartarus spawn. The living proof of such a place all residing within his brain, the amount of absurdity swirling within is the same to the legends of Discord. Sights of gore about the 'human's' own kind is sickening to the core, animals being slaughtered without remorse, and sights of desolate areas black with smog. It's disgusting, even more so is the other side of the thoughts. No perversion equal to this creature's has ever existed, certain that this beast he is inside of is a pool of the worst minds of Equestria. The sword he was stuck in for centuries felt better than even existing in the sentient sludge of a being.

Meanwhile, Anon's still walking along Ponyville as if nothing is wrong.

"LET ME OUT!"

"Dunno how." At least the headache disappeared.

"R-Raise the sword and let out a battle cry!"

Anon takes a minute, just to fuck with him, lifting the sword up just to lower it.

"Nah."

"I beg you! Riches, fame, power, anything! Let me out!"

"If I think of something specific, do you see it too?"

"..." Silver Horn deeply regrets trying to trick Celestia.

Anon presses two fingers on his temples, bubbling memories to the surface. He hums in approval, recalling the time he went on Liveleak for a few hours.

Those factory workers never saw it coming.

"Vile! Vile, vile, vile! I cannot believe you would laugh at your own kin's demise!"

"It's funny, and it's not me."

"You are a disgrace to your species!"

"Yup. Only one in Equestria too, so I'm a disgrace to nobody."

"You fiend..."

"Aren't you the one who put yourself in a sword to possess Celestia? Then forgot that horses physically can't hold handles?"

"My folly is nothing to scoff at."

"Dumbass."

"Why you-"

Anon focused his thoughts, channeling some to the spirit to stay silent. Specifically, he thought about mares. Mares in socks.

"VIIIIIIIIIILE!!!!!!!"

"-plume"

He chuckles to himself as Silver Horn screams in his noggin. The pressure and aches gone as the spirit is trying to leave his mind instead of entering. He still wants to have his thoughts to himself, however.

"Alright Mermaid Man, I'll take you out some other time. Just always know that one day I'll come back."

"N-No, you must be-"

Anon quickly raises the sword and yells out to cut off Silver Horn, causing another lightning crash centered on him yet again. This time he's prepared for it, but it didn't make him immune to the pain of volts coursing through his body.
Thankfully, the hospital's right in front of him, looking back to appreciate the long trail of destruction he left behind.

Nurse Redheart is on break.

She loves her breaks. It's a time of peace between the monotonous, boring needs of patients who either bruised a limb or miniscule paper cuts. Ponyville is never in much danger, so the work's never overwhelming. That is unless the walking natural disasters known as the Elements of Harmony get into a problem.

There are no breaks on those days.

A nice cup of coffee is sitting next to a plate of soft, warm cookies that arrived straight from Sugarcube Corner. The roasted scent of coffee mixing with the mouthwatering smell of baked goods, making the nurse take a deep breath to simply enjoy the pleasures. Lifting up the cup, a small sip of the delicious coffee runs over her tongue, a delicate dance of caffeine and beans plays over her taste buds. Redheart savors every second of the tango, putting down the ceramic and sighing in delight.

Nothing could ruin this moment.

BANG

A loud metallic thud resounds throughout the hospital, Anon making himself known to the staff.

"Hellllooooo?"

The scurrying sounds of hooves running and cries of ponies are evidence that something was happening outside of her breakroom. Redheart's gaze goes to the lock, nodding in satisfaction that it is indeed closed.

Locks don't matter to Anon as metal blade is jabbed into the door, cutting downwards to peek his head in through the gash.

"Heeere's Nonny!" He looks around, spotting the only mare in the room. "Oh, Redheart."

"Oh, Anon." Redheart sighs, already tired from work that hasn't started. "Can it wait until after my break?"

Anon shrugs. "Sure. I'm still going to threaten Doctor Horse for an answer on his name. Seriously though, Doctor Horse? A little on the nose. Or is it snout? Snoot?" Anon's voice lowers in volume as he walks away, leaving Redheart glad that she has immunity to Anon-igans from the amount of the times she'd saved his life.

Besides, if she didn't help him, no one would.

She grabs a cookie in her hooves and takes a bite, the wonderful sugar doing Celestia's work for her nerves.
Admittedly, it's little harder to relax when ponies are screaming.

Anon's walking down the sterile halls of the hospital. A deep trail of broken flooring following him, with ponies fleeing for their life ahead. Pleas for salvation from 'Tirek's return' are loud enough to be heard across the town, the end of days for the ponies it seems. They left several items on the tables laid scattered about, Anon eyeing the various drinks specifically. Bethesda be damned.

Before he commits to drinking suspicious liquids, he stares at the closest nurse and points the blade at her.
"Get me some painkillers or the hostages will pay." He's riding high on the power a sword gives a man. It's not like he has hostages, mirth of a blatant liar not getting questioned.

The mare nods furiously, scrambling to the nearest kit on the wall and delivering the pills in record time.

"Cool." Anon tosses back the pills into his mouth, picking the closest glass and downing the liquid within. The result making him grimace from the sludge.

"Eugh, Saltwater."

He pulled the cup away, the nurse's jaw falls as she stares at the bottle on the table.
Anon's eyes move to the table.

An orange bottle of dropped pills laid on the table. They must have dropped all the contents into the drink during the panic.
He leans in to read.

'Ketamine.'

"Ketamine? What, like some Candyland version of i-"

A third Anon hits the floor.

Anon stirs awake, prying his crusty eyes open and clearing his ears to hear Redheart laughing. The shocks of lightning were gone at least.

"What's up doc?" He says, wiping his face with the wet towel nearby.

"You're awake!" She smiles innocently, snorting to herself from laughter. "This stupid stallion just took an entire weeks worth of sedatives in a minute! Maybe you heard of him?" Anon's frown becomes a quiet chuckle, turning his head to the sides of the bed.

"How long has it been... And where's my sword?"

"About twelve hours. Twilight took the sword an hour after you passed out."

"Darn. Poor Silver Horn. Never got to show him the kind of Minotaur porn my kind used to make."

"Excuse me?"

"The elves..."

"Nevermind that. You're under arrest as well..."

"Huh? Oh cool."

"...In the Crystal Empire's cellars, by order of Celestia."

"..."

Anon doesn't have a jacket.

"Fuck."