Break Stuff

by Gormless Wheaton

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Violence, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Queen Chrysalis, Adventure
Length: 8123

Absolute goblin of a man is dropped into Equestria. Causes a minor disturbance.

His name is Jacob Kramer.

He is a tax-paying citizen with a steady if unremarkable day job.

His hobby is breaking boards, cinder blocks, or whatever else he and his buddies can get their mitts on.

He has been dropped into Equestria with the Alicorn Amulet.

This may be a problem.

Published 2025-02-13 05:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2025-02-19 07:39:03 UTC

The Offer

The door to Twilight's castle library slammed open as the Princess of Friendship stormed in, followed by Zecora, the zebra wise-mare of the Everfree Forest, Starlight Glimmer, Twilight's personal student, and Rarity, one of Equestria's Defenders along with Twilight. The rest of their friends were preoccupied in Ponyville, helping repair the damage that was done by a rogue pegasus just thirty minutes prior.

The tool that said pegasus had used to cause such damage was firmly held in Twilight's magical grasp—A black metal amulet with a large red gem in its face and an overall design likened to that of an alicorn. This was the source of the terrible item's name: The Alicorn Amulet, and it granted whoever wore it untold magical power. Twilight stormed up to one of her tables and slammed the amulet into the table hard enough that it stuck before she groaned and rested her chin on the table, casting a glare at the troublesome trinket.

"This is the fourth time this thing has gotten into somepony's hooves," she groused before fixing Zecora with a weary look. "Where'd you say you hid it this time?"

"Seeing as craftier spots have all failed, I tested if simplicity instead would avail," Zecora replied as she tilted her head to examine the amulet from a few different angles. Twilight furrowed her brow and tilted her head as well.

"Meaning?" She pressed, earning a bashful smile from the zebra.

"Under a rock in front of my door," she chuckled with a shrug. "Certainly a place I have not tried before." Twilight blinked and then leveled an unimpressed frown at her.

"Well, clearly that didn't work," she sighed, before returning her attention to the amulet. "And it's not like we can destroy it." As she, Rarity, and Zecora stared at the trinket, Starlight rubbed her chin and trotted to one of the bookshelves that made up the walls of the entire room.

"Whatever do we do with it?" Rarity hummed.

"I dunno," Twilight murmured, shaking her head and furrowing her brow. "I wish we still had the Elements."

"Hey! I have an idea!" Starlight suddenly cried, drawing their attention to her as she trotted up to the table with an open book hovering before her. "Since it keeps popping up no matter where in Equestria you hide it, why not hide it outside Equestria?" She held a smile as she scanned her book's contents, but Twilight shook her head.

"So it falls into the hooves or claws of some other creature?" She asked, fixing the amulet with an annoyed frown. "No matter where on Equus we send it, it'll still be a problem." Starlight nodded and held the page she'd been reading up to Twilight.

"So, why don't we send it beyond Equus?" She offered. Twilight blinked and studied the page for a moment before slowly smiling.

"You might be on to something," she declared after a moment.

"Kramer!" I poked my head over the edge of the dumpster to scan the site for Josh. I saw his back just through the sliding door of the house we were tearing apart. "Got something you'll like!"

"Just a sec," I called back before returning my attention to the pile of junk we'd fished out already, specifically the sturdy metal pole that was wedged and causing a problem.

My name is Jacob Kramer. I don't know what my job title is, but I work for Hooke and Sons. We do renovations and trash removal. I grabbed the pole and bent at the knees before taking a breath. With a heaving twisting motion, I managed to get the pole unstuck, allowing the junk it was pinning weirdly to flow free, clearing more space in the bin. Sliding the pole all the way out and then hucking it atop the pile like a javelin, I pulled up on the edge of the dumpster and vaulted out, landing beside my portly middle-aged co-worker.

"Thanks, Jake," Luis chirped, reaching out and clapping hands with me.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I replied, adjusting my belt as he and his little brother resumed hucking more busted pieces of wood and plaster into the bin. I checked my watch and blew through my lips upon realizing it was already noon. My jeans and shirt were already sagging from the sweat I'd worked up, and we weren't even half done. I looked at the three-story house we were tearing through as I made my way to where Josh had been—Some rich asshole had died a few years back and his kids absolutely trashed his house until the city got involved. Something like that.

I didn't really care for specifics. I just knew this was, at one point, a rich dude's house. And that meant I had a chance to indulge in my favorite pastime.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked as I stepped through the door, blinking as my ears were immediately hammered from all sides by the echoing racket of hammers rolling through the whole house. Josh turned toward me, his heavy, bushy eyebrows high up on his forehead. In one motion, his arm swung out and hucked something my way. I caught it with both arms before turning it over and squeaking a gasp.

"Francis said there's a whole load of stuff like that stuffed in the attic," Josh explained, scratching his mustache with his thumb and then jabbing it upward. "They're looking through for anything we might need to turn over to the bank, but most of it's ruined like that." He pointed at the vase I had in my hands. It was certainly once a pricey little thing, but it now had a big ugly crack through it and was completely spray-painted over with all sorts of graffiti.

Meaning it was worthless.

Meaning it was up for grabs.

I offered Josh a malicious grin as I gently tossed the vase between my hands, at which he slowly nodded. "Yeah, figured you like to hear that," he declared before jabbing a finger at me. "You want any of it, you're dragging it out yourself."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I hummed in response before bounding out of the building towards my truck. I slid to a stop beside it and yanked back the tarp across the truck bed. Underneath were some of the other things I'd been allowed to pull from the house: a few cracked chairs, a graffitied glass table Luis had helped me load, and a few old flower pots. Things like that. Things that would break real nice. Or which could catch fire easy. Things like that.

I carefully set my new addition down in the corner of the bed and moved to pull the tarp back over my collection. As I did, I heard a clank and paused to scan everything. Nothing seemed to have broken prematurely, causing me to scratch my forehead under my hard hat. I pursed my lips as I continued to look over everything before finally letting out a frustrated gasp when I found the culprit: The vase I'd just sat down had cracked somehow, and now a big shard had split right off its lip.

"Damn it," I grumbled, carefully rotating the vase to check for any further damage. It rattled a little, likely from the shard falling inside, but other than that it was fine. I grimaced with a shrug. "Eh." I threw the tarp back over the truck bed and returned to work.

Tonight was going to be fun.

I threw back the last of my coke before hucking the bottle into the midst of the quarry basin. The crash echoed through the entire pit, bringing a smile to my face just before I turned my attention to my truck bed. I'd managed to snag a dozen and a half other vases and little half-statues before we wrapped up for the day.

As I ogled my collection, the gentle roar of another vehicle approaching drew my attention to the top of the quarry. There, slowly rolling down the path to the bottom of the quarry where I waited, was a dumpy little van, currently without any plates as its owner didn't believe in registration. How he managed to avoid being arrested both for that and his numerous other infractions all just added to the beautiful mystery that was Bob.

I clapped and rubbed my hands, slowly pacing toward where he eventually came to park. He emerged from his car, his overlong beard flowing in the breeze and his sunglasses reflecting the sun's light.

"Robert, my bosom. Mmmbud-dy," I greeted as he waved and moved to the side door of his van, the windows of which were covered by an interior curtain. As he slid the door open, revealing his bed and his living supplies, he leaned in and pulled a crate out before setting it at my feet. I recoiled at its contents. "Shit, you came prepared." Bob nodded briskly as he reached down and plucked a single stick of the copious amount of dynamite he'd gotten ahold of.

"Tell you what, Man, talkin' 'bout Chum what used to gimme them got hisself cuffed, Man, talkin' 'bout old police, man," he explained, gesturing to his supply of explosives. He shook his head with a huff. "Yo, Man, talkin' 'bout his buddy talkin' Canada man, gimme all this 'afore he go'd, talkin' 'bout buy ten get ten free, Man."

"Nice!" I beamed with a cackle, rubbing my hands together. "Well! Come have a gander at what I've brought for the occasion!" I swept my arms toward my truck, at which he leaned to the side to get a better view and then whistled with a nod. We shared a look before both smiling and dragging the crate of explosives to my truck.

Piece by piece, we steadily unloaded my supply before blowing them straight to hell with Bob's supply. Working together, we'd hurled the glass table sideways, causing it to shatter on its corner and provide the broken glass platform that we set the rest of our private show upon. The quarry echoed and rumbled with each explosion as bits of broken glass or wood were sent sky-high.

Finally, out came the vases. At Bob's suggestion, rather than leave the dynamite resting against them as we'd done to most of the other stuff, we tried to lob the sticks and get them to land inside the vases themselves. We didn't make a single shot, but it was still fun as all hell.

I hucked my stick at the first vase Josh had let me take before ducking behind my truck for cover. The stick nailed the side of the vase and knocked it over, earning a grunt of satisfaction from me.

"Close!" I hissed just before the dynamite went off. Bob chuckled and slipped out from behind my truck to get to his van, where his drink cooler was, while I stood up and scanned my truck bed for what to destroy next. As I did, something caught my eye as the smoke cleared. I frowned and tilted my head to get a better look as the sun had clipped something and was glittering in the debris pile. I raised an eyebrow and made my way toward it, waving the fumes out of my face as I did.

There, in the middle of our scorched pit, was a smoking metal triangle. Reaching down to pick it up, I hissed and pulled my fingers back as the metal was still hot.

"Hey, Bob! C'mere!" I called. I worked the hem of my shirt around my hand and grabbed it again as Bob finally arrived behind me. "I think this was in one of the vases. Kinda crazy it didn't get blown up." I held the little triangle up, looking it over. It was almost entirely black and had a big red jewel in its face, along with a crazy unicorn design. Bob, being the consummate metalhead, hummed in appreciation of its design and color.

"Talkin' 'bout lil' old jewelry, Man, lil' old tie clip, Man," he declared, leaning back and gesturing to me. "Thinkin' 'bout 'does he have it?' Man." Catching his meaning, I nodded before blowing on it and carefully hooking it onto the collar of my shirt.

"How's it look?" I asked with a smirk. Bob snorted and whistled with an 'okay' gesture, drawing a laugh from me.

"Hello," another voice suddenly peeped, drawing my attention to my side. My shadow was stretched to the side by the sun's angle, and there was now a little shadowy lump sticking out of it. It had two little red dots with which it was looking back at me. "Don't be afraid."

"Jesus?" I asked. Its dots blinked and it shook a little.

"No," it replied in a voice I was pretty sure was feminine. I narrowed my eyes and tilted my head back.

"Satan?" I demanded, causing it to almost grimace, if shadows can do that.

"No. Just me," 'she' sighed with a nod. "Hello." I held my narrow-eyed glare for a moment before tilting my head toward Bob.

"Bob, my trusted amigo," I said with a slow nod. "I think the fumes are getting to me." He hummed as he took a sip from his soda.

"Talkin' 'bout oh no, compadre, talkin' 'bout seeing ghosts?" He sighed, shaking his head.

"Yeah," I replied.

"I'm not a ghost," my ghost huffed.

"Oh, she says she's not a ghost," I explained. Bob nodded for a moment before examining the air I was staring at.

"She hot?" He finally asked.

"Kinda smokey," I replied, earning a disappointed hum from him. My ghost blinked and shook her head.

"Alright, listen," she hissed, bubbling and then slithering up to my eye level. "You like to destroy things, right?"

"Ye," I replied, causing her to nod.

"I can help you do that," she declared.

"'Kay," I declared back. A shadowy tendril slithered into view and pointed at me.

"But I need you to help me first," she added. I narrowed my eyes harder.

"With what?" I demanded. She hovered closer and nodded.

"I'm going to start leaking some magic into your brain, okay?" She said causing me to frown.

"Uh," I said before a warm, buzzing feeling began washing through my skull. It felt like the inside of my head meat was getting dunked in a nice, hot bath and I slowly brought my hands to the sides of my head. "Bob. The ghost is microwaving my brain." He recoiled and snorted.

"Talkin' 'bout get 'em to not, Man," he replied, causing me to slowly shake my head.

"No, I think I like it," I hummed before it suddenly stopped.

"Okay! Now, look into my eyes," my ghost demanded, leaning closer so I could see her little eyes better. "Focus." I furrowed my brow and did as she asked, and to my surprise pictures started flooding into my mind. Colorful pictures of a colorful little countryside. Almost like a painting or a Saturday morning cartoon show. I blinked when the image suddenly faded and the ghost nodded.

"You see that? You got that image memorized?" She asked.

"Yeah," I declared, still able to recall the general look of what she'd shown me.

"Good!" She chirped before swirling around me and whispering. "Focus on that feeling the magic gave you and that image. Focus hard!" I narrowed my eyes again, bringing my fingers to my temples and ignoring Bob as he took a generous and noisy sip of his soda. Focusing on the feeling and the image, I almost didn't notice when the air started to feel tingly. Like a whole bunch of static was dancing up my skin. Bob, however, noticed something was up and took a few steps back with his eyebrows raised. I heard a buzzing followed by a crackle as streaks of red lightning raced out from below my chin and through the air before doubling back and coiling up my body.

The wind howled and the sky suddenly became overcast as I was slowly lifted off my feet. I gasped as I tumbled and spun, steadily rising higher and higher, until finally the air split with a thunderous boom. As I was tumbling, I caught only the scarcest glimpses of what looked like a giant red vortex swirling just above the quarry, toward which I was now flying.

"YES! Eat it, Princess!" My ghost cheered as I gasped and sputtered. "Equestria here we come!" As I rolled through the air, I spied Bob down below, looking up at me in surprise, and reached out for him.

"BOB!" I screamed, sucking in another breath. "GET THIS ON CAMERA!" He stared at me for a moment before patting himself down and shrugging.

"Talkin' 'bout ain't had one!" He replied causing me to hiss.

"Damn it!" I spat before screaming in earnest as I tumbled into the vortex.

Author's Note

The Breakdown

The sweet smell of cut grass and snapped tree branches was the first thing to hit me as my head spun from the wacky ride I'd been taken for. Slowly, as my eyes focused and my senses sharpened, I realized I was lying on the ground of a forest, and judging by the rough hole cut through the canopy above me, I'd plunged through the trees above me.

I took a breath, savoring the natural aroma in the air before slowly sitting up and looking around. Just beside me, my ghost sat twisting and humming with delight.

"Ah! I was only gone for a little while, but what a difference!" She declared, her shadowy body vibrating as she spoke. I wasn't sure, thanks to still being a little disoriented, but it looked like she had gained more definition, and was now a little firmer. "It felt like getting dragged underwater and having to hold my breath."

I blinked at her and tilted my head. "Huh?" She twisted her head all the way around and looked at me.

"I only managed to pull us back here because I had a little bit of my magic held inside myself," she explained, winking at me. "Your world was completely dry." I hummed with a nod before jabbing a finger at her.

"Neat. Moving on. You said you could help me break stuff," I said, jutting my chin at her with a snort. "Pay up." She giggled and jostled before settling into a smaller blob shape.

"Okay! Okay," she said before rolling a tendril out at me. "Listen. That feeling I told you to focus on is the key. That's the cornerstone upon which the art of magic is built."

"Okay," I replied. She looked around and then pointed just past my foot.

"Here's a basic one for you," she said as I moved my foot to see the rock she was pointing at. "Focus on that feeling, like before, and try to move that rock." I nodded, recalled the warm tingly sensation that had crawled through my head meat, and reached forward to grab the rock. She balked as I lifted it and handed it to her.

"No! Not-" She threw her head back with a groan and glared at me. "Not with your claws." I shot her a wide frown.

"But how-" She waved her tendril at me.

"Focus on the idea of it moving," she said. I furrowed my brow and stared at the rock in my palm, uncurling my fingers and focusing. My mind was blank for a moment before I settled on the mental image of it slipping off my hand. To my surprise, that's exactly what happened despite my hand being level.

"Aw, sick!" I cheered as it rolled off and hit the dirt.

"Yep! That's a basic levitating spell!" She chirped, patting me with her tendril. However, I quickly turned and scowled at her.

"How's that gonna help me break things?" I demanded, causing her to recoil and tilt her head.

"Well, it's a start!" She chirped, offering her tendril to me. "You have to practice to get the really juicy stuff, you know?" I held my scowl causing her to slowly wilt.

"Man, Bob had a whole crate of dynamite ready to go and you yanked me away," I huffed, snapping my arm out and wafting her head apart. "Little shit." She remained distorted for a moment before reforming and glaring at me.

"Fine. I'll teach you another one," she huffed, earning a curt nod from me as I stood up. "Don't blame me if it's too complex or abstract to pull off, though!"

"Pull off this," I replied, yanking at my belt, causing her to recoil. "Spill." She leveled an even glare at me for a moment before snorting.

"Okay, same deal, focus on the feeling, and the image," she said, waving her tendril at me. "In this case, the image is of pure magic, shooting towards something like an arrow." She snapped her tendril to the side, causing me to blink and frown harder.

"I don't-" I hesitated and glanced to the side before shaking my head. "What's that look like?" She bobbed and huffed at me.

"Told ya," she snorted as I pondered her words. Magic, shooting like an arrow. I narrowed my eyes and then gasped when something clicked.

"Oh! Wait," I snapped my fingers a few times before pointing at her. "Like Goku?" Her confident demeanor melted and she tilted her head.

"I- I don't know what that is," she murmured, but I nodded my head as an eager smile formed on my face.

"I think you mean like Goku, hold on," I said before taking a stance. I brought my palms together and slowly pulled them back. I went through the exercise she'd given me with the mental image of a beam of blue energy shooting from my hands. To my delight and her surprise, I felt a tingling in the space between my palms. "HA!" I thrust my hands forward and a narrow tube of red and yellow energy shot out with a vibrating hum as it peeled through the air. The beam struck a tree dead on and blew a hole in its side before dissipating. I barked a victorious laugh as my ghost sagged.

"What." She quacked. I cackled and pumped my fist toward the smoking tree which then began to creak and groan before falling over.

"It worked- Ough," I doubled over and clutched my head, which was suddenly overcome by a dull ache that spread to the rest of my body. Seemingly at that moment, this new pain decided to mix with the general albeit subdued fatigue I'd built up from working before meeting the ghost, and I found myself down on my knees. My eyes were unfocused, but I could still make out the faint shape of my ghost as she drifted in front of me.

"Okay, shocking speed of advancement aside, that's also why you need to practice," she said, twisting to look me in the eyes despite how low I was bent. "Your silly mundane form isn't built for high magic!" I gritted my teeth and winced before pushing up.

"Says you. It's already passing," I huffed before rolling to a sitting position and blinking until I could see straight. All in all, it wasn't any worse than some of the times I really pushed myself jogging or lifting. "Woof. Okay. I can work with this."

"If you say so," she hummed, twisting and twirling in the air before settling right beside me. "Oh, by the way. If we have time, I have some things I'd like to try and get ahold of."

"What kind of things?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at her as my strength steadily returned.

"Magic books. The kind that'll help you use more magic!" She chirped, drawing a snort from me as I slowly stood up.

"Not sure how much more magic I need," I declared, eyeing up the tree I'd destroyed. As I rolled my shoulder and cracked my neck, she looked me up and down before humming.

"I guess blowing up whole mountains just isn't for you, huh?" She declared causing me to pause. I leered down at her for a moment before scoffing.

"You win this time, Snippy," I replied, cracking my neck.

"Snippy?" She murmured. Rather than respond, I pursed my lips as a thought occurred.

"Hey, if I can move things with my mind, can I move myself?" I asked, rolling my shoulder and looking at my body.

"Well-" Before she could fully respond, I already rolled out the full routine and slowly started to drift upwards.

"I can!" I cheered.

"Yeah, but-!" She squawked as I punched a fist into the air and rocketed straight up, giggling all the way. "Wait, you idiot! You're still a novice! This is too high!" I was about to retort when I cleared the treetops and then was slammed by the exhausting feeling from before. I groaned hard and clenched my eyes, before curling up on myself. Snippy shouted something else, but I couldn't hear her over the sound of rushing wind and the sudden and painful snapping that overtook me. All of that ended when I hit the ground with a wheezing heave. I sprawled out and gawped at the distance I'd fallen from and gasped.

"I'm alive?" I wheezed, at which Snippy materialized over me.

"You are so freaking lucky is what you are," she spat, flicking a tendril at me. "So long as you're wearing me, you have the power of the three tribes all wrapped in one."

"The what?" I asked.

"The three pony tribes of Equestria," she replied gesturing with her tendril. "Earth Ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns." I blinked at her explanation.

"What's Equestria?" I huffed, causing her to pause.

"Where we are? Haven't you been listening?" She finally demanded, at which I furrowed my brow.

"Where's that? Kentucky?" I asked, slowly rolling onto my side. "Sounds like Kentucky." She hovered above me with a dumbstruck sort of look.

"Fuckin' hate Kentucky," I declared as I sat up. Snippy blinked and then rubbed her shadowy chin.

"Well, it's not in Kentucky, I'm pretty sure," she murmured with a slow nod. "It's actually-" I sighed in relief and waved my hand.

"Ah, we're good then," I chuckled and fixed her with a curious look. "So, tribes? What?" She hovered there for a moment before twitching slightly.

"Okay," she hummed before nodding at me. "You've got earth pony strength and durability, pegasus agility, and unicorn magic all wrapped in one. Understand?"

"Uh-huh?" I replied, rubbing my chin as I digested all this information.

"It'll still take some time for your body to adjust since you're so magically dead by nature," she explained, gesturing to my body with her tendril. "But with time and practice it'll all start bubbling to the surface." I steadily progressed from rubbing my chin to pulling on my lower lip.

"Okay," I said with my teeth before a thought occurred and I checked my watch. I hissed at the time and stood up. "You mind if we pick this up tomorrow? I need to get to get home and bed."

"What?" She asked as I stretched.

"I got work in the morning. We're still clearing out that fucking mini-mansion," I said with a satisfied groan as my back popped.

"Oh!" She cried before shaking her head. "Yeah, sorry. That's not going to be happening." I snorted and cast an incredulous look her way.

"What, did the contract get canceled?" I huffed, shaking my head. "How the fuck would you even know that?" She giggled and shook her head again.

"Nah, that's not what I mean," she raised another tendril and clapped them. "I had to do some serious heavy lifting to drag us both back to Equestria and it still knocked you out cold." She pointed skyward as she spoke.

"The only reason I was able to pull you for the ride was cause I pretty much reversed the wormhole spell that I got chucked through in the first place," she said, slowly swirling through the air before looking at me. "And that was only possible cause it wasn't closed all the way yet. As a result, we-" She paused upon meeting my vacant, even, and unimpressed expression, and she blinked.

"I can't send us back to your home 'cause the door shut behind us," she said in an impatient tone as her tendrils sagged. "And it's shut really hard so you'd have to be extra, extra strong to handle pulling it open again." I furrowed my brow, but she raised a tendril before I could argue.

"And you're not," she accused before shrugging. "Maybe later! But not now." I looked to the side as I processed her words.

"So, I'm missing work?" I huffed.

"Yes," she sighed.

"Damn," I hummed before nodding. "Alright. Where's your place then?" She recoiled at my question.

"My place? I don't have a house," she declared, causing me to grunt.

"Bitch?" I spat, before grumbling and fishing out my wallet, searching for my card. "Fucking A, let's find a place to rent and crash then. I got my debit on me." I wagged my wallet at her before walking away.

"I don't- Whatever," she replied before slithering to catch up to me. Once she did, she hovered over my shoulder and pointed to the right. "That way, I'm pretty sure!"

After a healthy bit of hiking during which Snippy kindly explained that I had 'three tribe endurance' or whatever which is why I was able to walk so far despite all the work I'd done today, I made it to a proper road. Well, mostly proper—It was made out of cobblestones and gravel. I thought we'd just stumbled onto someone's driveway until I spotted all the houses the road led to. We'd actually exited the forest on the side a big sign stood that read 'Welcome to Detrot! Home of Aunt Buttersquash's Famous Pies!'

Raising an eyebrow at the town's name, I made my way down the road to the town proper. As I did, Snippy popped up in front of me.

"Now, far be it for me to tell you what to do," she declared, raising a tendril at me. "But! You might find it beneficial to try and keep a low profile." She swirled and slithered through the air around me, drawing my gaze after her.

"So don't blow anything up just yet, okay?" She added with a hopeful tone before gesturing forward. Looking that way, I gasped at what I saw. "The locals already spook easily when they see things they don't understand."

All throughout the town and now looking at me were a whole load of little colorful horses with way too big eyes. Some were pulling wagons, others were sitting at little tables and had paused with their mouths full to look at me, and quite a few had little outfits on.

"They're little gumdrop horsies," I murmured, gesturing to the lot of them. "What the hell?"

"I told you. We're in Equestria now," Snippy said as she hovered into view. "We're on a whole other planet from the one you were born on." I blinked and considered the horses again.

"Oh," I hummed before it really clicked. "Oh! I get it."

"Finally," she sighed, shaking her head. As I scanned the tiny horses, she gestured to a few that I now saw had horns or wings. "So, yeah. These are the three pony tribes I was talking about. And they believe in friendship, love, and all the sappy power that can bring. Yech." I recoiled at her words.

"Really?" I asked, at which she nodded. "Wow. It really is like a Saturday morning cartoon." I considered the horses again. Then, suddenly, it clicked and I grinned.

"And that makes me Skeletor," I said in a low and eager growl. A few of the little horses flinched before slowly creeping away.

"I don't know what that is," Snippy replied as I rubbed my chin. I pursed my lips and turned to her.

"Is there like a Space Police I should worry about? For like if I break the law while being from another planet?" I asked, causing her to blink and tilt her head back.

"I mean," she hummed before shrugging. "There's- Guards and the Defenders of Equestria."

"Where are they?" I pressed, at which she perked up.

"I tried to drop us a few miles away from the town the Defenders hang out at," she shot a scowl to the left. "I learned my lesson this time."

"Noted," I said with a chortle before turning and spying out a little green horse in a bow tie. I pointed at them and strode toward them, causing them to wilt.

"He-he-hello?" He squeaked once I stood over him, causing me to adopt a wide and sad frown.

"Buh, buh, buh," I blubbered before jumping at him. "BOO!" Absolute panic erupted across the street then, and all the little horses went stampeding away. I giggled with malicious glee at the sight before stomping my foot on the tail of the little green guy I'd targeted.

"Don't eat me!" He begged before I thrust my hand at him and pulled him up with my magic.

"Take me to the nicest motel in town," I demanded, jabbing a finger at him. He blinked and shivered.

"Nicest what?" He squeaked, causing Snippy to pop up between us.

"I don't think they don't have those. Only inns," she explained before sliding out of view. I nodded at him.

"Take me to the nicest inn in town," I demanded, causing him to flinch.

"Okay," he squeaked.

The Discount

My tour guide hastily led me to a fancy three-story building with a pair of big hedges in the shape of ponies on either side of its front door. During our brief trip, plenty of the other little ponies had scrambled into view, screaming at me all the while, before taking off out of sight. And I hadn't even really menaced them yet.

I whistled as I appraised the hotel with a nod. "Swanky," I hummed before shooting a scowl at my guide. "Beat it." He flinched before taking off. Returning my attention to the hotel, I strode up to the door and thrust my hand at it, magically throwing the doors open. Inside, I found a red tiled floor with a pair of comfy-looking couches forming a sort of alley up to the front desk, where a girl pony sat, looking at me in shock. I strode up to her and slammed my fist on the desk causing her to flinch.

"Nicest room in the house. Double time," I demanded. She wilted and considered the dent I'd made in her desk before swallowing.

"A-and how will you be paying this evening?" She asked, to which I nodded and produced my debit card with a smirk.
"Here you go," I replied, offering it. She looked at the piece of plastic in confusion.

"Huh? What-" She shook her head. "I-I meant would you be paying with bits or gems."

"Ain't got neither," I hummed with a nod.

"Well, uhm," she cleared her throat and I leaned in.

"Guess that means it's free, right?" I asked, slipping my card back into my pocket. She recoiled and frowned.

"Ah! You-" Before she could argue further, I held up my palm and blasted the wall behind her. Her ear twitched at the crackling sound of the smoldering heap the chunk of wall quickly collapsed into. Grinning through the discomfort, I locked eyes with her as a terrified smile overtook her features. "-Are absolutely correct! Enjoy your stay!" She quickly snatched a key from under the desk, dropped it before me, and then cowered under the desk out of sight. I snatched up the key and went searching for the room that matched the number on its face.

"You're being awful rambunctious," Snippy said, slithering up into view. "I figured when you asked about law enforcement you were planning on being more careful."

"Nah, just wanted to know the ETA on when the killjoys will pop up," I hummed in response, raising my foot and kicking in a door as I passed it. The pony sleeping inside jumped out of their bed with a shout before tumbling and hitting their nightstand. "Like The King said 'Here for a good time; not a long time.'"

"The King?" Snippy asked, causing me to beam and draw my wallet.

"Yes Ma'am!" I said, producing a picture of my dad, posing with a thumbs-up and a slightly uneven toothy smirk on his face. "Dear old Klaus Kramer himself." I admired the photo before pausing right as we reached the stairs.

"Granted, he gave me that line just before he grabbed a king-sized mattress and jumped off the top of a parking garage with it," I said before shrugging and making my way to the top floor. "But I guess that gives more validity to his claim, huh?" Snippy tilted her head at my words before slithering after me. Eventually, we found the door to my room, inside which was an absolutely massive and plush-looking bed. The room had a smell like roses and sugar and as I closed the door behind me, I spied a huge tub in the bathroom that I made a note of for the morning.

In the now times, I stretched with a groan. "Whew! I know you said I got magical endurwhatever, but I'm beat," I declared, kicking off my boots and slipping off my shirt. "Wake me up if the horsies pop up with pitchforks."

"Will do," Snippy said evenly as I threw myself into the bed. "Sleep well."

It was as peaceful a day as one could expect from Ponyville. Birds chirping, clouds drifting through the sky, and no sign of any impending threats or troubles. Even better was the fact that Spike had gone off to help Rarity mine gems, and Starlight had gone to Maud's cave house with Trixie, meaning Twilight had some alone time. She sat on the grass just behind her castle, basking in the sunlight. And by sat, I, of course, mean she was rolling around with her wings flopped out, purring in delight as she finally managed to scratch the hard-to-reach place between said wings.

"Princess Twilight!" Someone suddenly shouted, causing her to cry out and flop to her hooves.

"Hi! Hello! Uh," she swallowed hard and shook the grass from her feathers as she looked the shaken mare beside her up and down.

"There's a monster in Detrot!" Her visitor squealed, desperately prancing in place. Twilight recoiled at her words.

"Already?" She groaned, shaking her head. "We just got done dealing with that dang amulet." After taking a moment to stretch her wings and legs she offered the mare a nod.

"Alrighty. Let me get the girls together!" She declared. Despite her words, the mare tilted her head.

"Amulet?" She asked, earning a frown and a nod from Twilight.

"The Alicorn Amulet. It's a spooky evil magic talisman, but it's been dealt with!" She said, waving a wing. The mare's ears shot back.

"What, uh," she cleared her throat and pawed at the ground. "When you say 'alicorn' you mean, like, a pony with horns and wings?"

"Yep. Like me!" Twilight chirped, spreading her wings proudly. The mare scrunched up her muzzle with a steady nod.

"And," she looked to the side. "The amulet. Looks like that?" Twilight paused and tilted her head at her question.

"Kinda yeah," she finally answered. When the mare met her eyes, she flinched and then smiled, holding up a hoof. "No."

"Uhm," the mare murmured.

"No, no," Twilight insisted, shaking her head and stepping closer.

"Ah," the mare tried, only for Twilight to press the tip of her wing to her mouth.

"Shh, no," Twilight said quietly, shaking her head with a smile. "No." She raised her eyebrows as she locked eyes with the mare. They stayed like that for a few moments before Twilight nodded and stepped back.

"It's got a thing that looks like that on its neck," the mare said immediately. Twilight's smile widened and she clenched her eyes, rolling her head to and fro as a steady groan rolled up from her throat. Her cheeks puffed out as she huffed and her eyes snapped up to Canterlot in the distance before snapping back to the innocent little pony in front of her. Finally, she squeaked and hissed.

"Son of a cussing cussword," she strained, shaking her entire body as she restrained her genuine verbal feelings. She wheezed hard through pursed lips before nodding firmly. "Okay! What'd you say it was doing?" The mare swallowed with a nod.

"Uh, it barged into town and scared everypony," she said, causing Twilight to raise an eyebrow. "Oh, and it invaded our inn."

"Has it hurt anypony yet?" Twilight pressed, sighing in relief when she shook her head.

"No, thank Celestia," the mare declared before flinching and looking back the way she'd come. "At least, not as far as I know." Twilight hummed with a nod before resting a hoof on the mare's shoulder.

"Alright. You stay here where it's safe," she ordered, earning a nod from the mare. Twilight spread her wings and took off into the sky, quietly grumbling and hissing as she flew.

The sky above me was filled with heavy black clouds that flashed with red streaks of lightning, all of which seemed to be arcing toward a huge shadowy structure in the distance. The ground around me was barren and brown, which caused the shadow in the distance to stick out all the more. As I focused on it, I found it rapidly racing closer and closer until it loomed above me. It looked like one of those old-school bronze-age temple things.

Ziggy somethings. Looked cool as hell. It stretched up to the sky and its peak was surrounded by the scary clouds above me. Despite that, I heard and saw a door at its peak fly open, producing a creepy purple mist that hissed out and split the clouds. In the mist, two bright red eyes suddenly appeared and locked with my own.

Then I woke up with a snort. "Sick," I huffed before stretching.

"Hey, hey. Sleep well?" Snippy asked as she slithered into view. "No pitchforks or anything like that." I looked at her with a furrowed brow as she was more defined today. She had the general outline of one of the ponies but was still just a solid black shape.

"Hell yeah," I said with a yawn before sweeping my legs off the bed. "To both the statement and the question." I stretched as she nodded before sighing.

"Whew, I'm hitting the tub," I said before making my way to the bathroom. Before I crossed the threshold, I considered my shadowy companion and reached for the amulet.

"Don't do that," she said suddenly and with an anxious tone. I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Why not?" I asked.

"Don't," she insisted with a chipper tone now. I snorted and shrugged at her as I grabbed the amulet.

"What, you wanting to peep or something?" I huffed before flinching when she suddenly flew up into my face.

"I'll wait in your shadow. I won't see anything," she insisted again, once more with that anxious tone. "Don't take the amulet off." I blinked at her and then grimaced.

"Nasty little pervert," I grumbled, shaking my head. "Whatever." She beamed and then sank into my shadow as I made my way inside and stripped down until the amulet was all I had on. I took my time in the luxury bath and emerged feeling fresh as hell. Unfortunately, my clothes were still yesterday's, so they wound up partially spoiling the feeling.

Once I was dressed, I tapped the amulet. "You got something to degrime my fit?" I asked. Snippy popped up and tilted her head.

"What?" She asked. I gestured to my outfit.

"Clean my clothes," I replied. She looked me up and down and nodded.

"Yeah, I know spells like that exist," she replied, drawing a smile from me. Then she shook her head. "They're transmogrification though. I can't really teach you those on my own."

My expression wilted and I frowned at her. "Why not?"

"They're, hm," she rubbed her chin with a shadowy hoof. "Okay. Levitation and beams are sort of direct, right? One requires more focus and practice to usually use than the other, but they're still simple and direct." I slowly nodded and she did likewise.

"Transmogrification is using magic in a very fine way," she continued, pausing and looking around. "Like uh." Her gaze fell on my pants and she gasped.

"Sewing! If transmogrification is like sewing some clothes, then what you've done up to now is more like just throwing a towel around yourself," she chirped, clapping her hooves. "You need those books I was talking about to start delving into that stuff." I nodded again but tilted my head at her.

"But why can't you-"

"Sorry, I'm kind of direct in my magic uses," she said with a shrug. "Brute force. If I were able to do more complicated stuff on my own, I wouldn't have needed to violently rip open the magical wormhole they tossed me through. I coulda just made my own." She reached forward and poked my shoulder.

"You're gonna have to learn more about magic if you want to use my power in more delicate methods," she chirped with a shadowy smile. I pursed my lips and nodded before snapping my fingers at her.

"Bet," I declared before slipping on my boots and moving to tie them, "Let's go find some food." Before I could finish, my door was kicked open.

"Not so fast!" A she pony screamed as she dove in. She was wearing some crazy golden armor and fixed me with a determined scowl as she spread her wings.

"What?" I grumbled, looking up at her in surprise.

"I heard all about you! You're under arrest!" She declared causing me to wilt.

"Aw, shit. You a cop?" I groaned, standing up straight with a sigh. She paused and furrowed her brow.

"What? No," she murmured, shaking her head before sharpening her expression. "I'm a member of the Royal Guard!" I beamed at her revelation.

"Oh! Sick," I pumped my fist and wagged my finger at her. "Yeah, I don't recognize no king or queen. Sorry Guvnah. Take your ass back to Britain afore I seventeen seventy-six your ass." Her jaw dropped and her wings snapped out straight.

"What?!" She squealed before clenching her teeth and taking a low stance. "Oh! You're gonna get it now!" I blinked before a smile formed on my face.

"You fixing for a scrap?" I asked evenly. When she scraped her hoof on the ground, my smile widened. "Aw, hell yeah. Been too long. Let's do it!" I clapped my hands and put them out to the side, bringing one foot back and slightly slipping off my boot.

"Come on!" I dared with a chortle. "Let's tussle!"

"HIYAAH!" She squealed as she dove toward me. Once she was airborne, I snapped my foot forward and flung my loosened boot at her face. She recoiled and closed her eyes, giving me the perfect opening to dive in and grab her. Taking her by the sides, I brought my knee back before swinging it forward as I slammed her down.

I dropped to a kneeling position as I drove her ass-first into my knee and she wheezed hard and went wide-eyed and stiff. She stayed like that right up until I released my grip, at which point she fell to the ground still stiff as a board. I stood up straight and looked down at her in disappointment.

"Damn. That's it?" I grumbled, adjusting my belt. Snippy popped up and inspected the twitching little pony.

"Earth pony strength," she declared, slowly nodding. "But uh, that was also pretty wicked, so I don't think she's getting up from that one for a bit." I raised an eyebrow and tilted my head as the British pony let out a slow and steady squeaking wheeze. Nodding, I collected my boot.

"Ah. Well, that was fun," I sighed, slipping my footwear back on. "Love a good tussle." I kicked it into place and hastily tied my laces before stretching.

"Let's go break something inanimate."