Lost Equestria: Crashing the fiesta

by Earthjolly

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Diamond Dogs, Original Character, Trixie, Comedy, Random
Length: 3165

A ruthless, stupid snow pirate ends up in Equestria

Lost Planet 2 / MLP

Vagabundos. So much stupidity in one person and with the capabilities to defy logic as if it was a plaything. But still what they lack in intelligence they make up in brute, ruthless strength and when god decides to send one of them, most probably the deadliest and most stupid human from Eden III to Pony universe, Hilarity ensues .

No treasure vault, jewel box or knickers are safe anymore. For the treasure borracho is here to crash the fiesta.

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*More on character background as chapters progress.

*Reader interaction that will affect the story

*If you fav it please thumbs up.

*Constructive criticism is very welcome.

Thank you.

Published 2012-10-17 09:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-17 22:44:10 UTC

Mierda

Sand. Sand everywhere.

Well no shit, what would you expect to find in a desert?

But anyways, yes sand. That was all that could be seen for miles in any direction. The Sun blasted its merciless rays onto the tangerine ocean, scorching anything stupid enough to leave the cool cover of shade, only that there was none to be found. But nonetheless there was somebody stupid enough to travel the desert when the sun was at its peak.

A man was traveling this desert. He was a Vagabundo, a type of snow pirate that ironically lived in the desert. His metal shoes created small clouds of dust in the sand as it came down hard after each tired step he gave. He wore a typical army camouflaged baggers but his top half was naked and exposed to the UVA rays of the sun giving him a nice tan. His body was covered by many tattoos, from eagles to just abstract art. No one ever saw the face of the Vagabundo for he always wore a mask made from the bones of defeated enemies. Thats a lie, it was made by something not even he knew.

“Caramba, I should of not of drink so much tequila before driving my Vs.” The Vagabundo groaned. Trudging his way through the blistering sands. The man lifted his gaze slightly towards the sun while covering his brows, which were covered by his mask, with an arm. “If still had my Vs, I would be back at the base with my compadres eating some spaghettis.”

A Vs also known as Vital suit is your standard mech, they came in all type of designs and functions. The typical Vs used for the desert was the Gaf-14, which is basically your standard jet bike. But the law of the universe says that alcohol and driving don't mix well and if you tend to ignore that law then its no surprise you crash your only method of transport into a solitary palm tree, that just happened to be growing there in the middle of a ‘lifeless’ desert.

So basically thats what happened and now the man was traveling by foot across a never ending desert with no water, no food and plethora amounts of munitions for his Machine gun. I mean who needs food when you can shoot? But time was wasting, it wouldn’t be long before his body would shut down due to dehydration and theres was no use of having a ridiculous amount of bullets if you were dead.

But then the Vagabundo said the one things you clearly do not say when you're in a tough situation, no matter the circumstances “Carajo, I think I got sand in my butt crack.”

“CUT”

“What ? What did I do wrong?”

“You supposed to say ‘It cant get any worse.’

“But why would I say that? I know Im stupid but not even Im that stupid to allow the universe to troll me.”

“Just say it or you're fired. Theres a lot of other idiots crazy to take your position”

“Fine Fine”

But then the Vagabundo said the one things you clearly do not say when you're in a tough situation, no matter the circumstances “At least it can’t get any worse.” He sighed with a bit of hope in his voice.

As if on cue, the sand started to vibrate, picking itself up into the air in a maniacal twirling dance of combining both grace and suffocating deadliness. The sun was instantly blotted out as the sand began to darken the sky.

“Oooh what is that?” The Vagabundo said in awe. Oblivious that he was standing in front of a steadily growing sandstorm that threatened to tore the desert a new one. The sandstorm roared like lion whose paw just got stomped by an elephant as its intensity aggravated. The Vagabundo continued to stare in awe until a little spark in his brain known as common sense kicked in. “I think its time I start running for my life while yelling out something like waaaaahh or sheeeeeeeet” He thought before deciding to go with the latter.

*Five minutes later*

“SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!” The Vagabundo bellowed as he sprinted across the now hectic desert, a four mile tall tornado in pursuit of his ass. The vagabundo had no doubt broken the world record of sprinting and then re broke the broken record of the broken record of the re broken record, or something like that, in short he was basically a elephant on rocket skates that just saw a mouse. The chase went on for days, neither party giving up, until the Vagabundo came up with an Idea.

“If I change direction then the tornado will lose track and continue forward. I'm so smart.” He mentally patted his back before turning his body to the left and ran down that direction. He turned his head back to give a glance at the tornado. A sly grin appeared on his face, though you couldn’t see it because it was hidden behind his mask. “I can’t believe that actually worked?” He gasped, very surprised he actually came up with a plan that worked. An amazing feat for someone with his IQ. But all good things come to an end and the Tornado changed its direction towards its running prey. Something the Vagabundo was not pleased with.

“OH come on!-” He threw his arms in the air angrily. “How is that even possible?”

EDN III, A planet light years away from Earth. It was once covered entirely by snow, But thanks to human technology known as Thermal posts, humanity outwitted Mother Nature once again. Snowy mountains became lush green meadows, frozen valleys became jungles and whatnot. But Mother Nature was angry, its beautiful white planet was unfrozen and with that came the Akrid, Insect type Aliens with glowing orange spots, which was conveniently there weak spot and very easy to spot. But the Akrid were not enough to rid the planet of the Humans and so Mother nature said ‘’Let there be Sentient tornadoes that have low temper and tend to hold grudges against anything that has two legs.” And thus the troll tornado was formed.

“Ohhhh, that explains its all.” The Vagabundo nodded understandingly at no one specifically. He skidded to a stop and turned to face the oncoming tornado, hands on hips. “My mama used to say to me 'If its alive, it can die.' Well no, she actually said I had eat my veggies or I wouldn’t be strong like my grandpa but its kinda of the same thing, I think.” He then shuffled into his pack that he carried on his waist and took out a rusty machine gun. Loading it with ammunitions swiftly, he aimed at the tornado and said impishly “Time to die.” And with that the retarded man pulled the trigger and a flurry of bullets flew out towards the tornado. We all know who won.

To keep things short, the tornado died. No, I mean it literally obtained the power of speech and moaned about how it just wanted friends but everyone kept running away from him before dissipating into nothingness, screeching in pain all the way. Melodramatic indeed.

“AHAHA, I knew it, I knew It could die!” The man jumped with glee all while kissing his gun multiple times.

God and Mother Nature were speechless. Neither of them could comprehend how this was possible. I mean bullets killing wind and somehow it could speak very good english? After a brief discussion, Mother nature and God decided it would be best for this Universe if they got rid of this Human before he breaks reality itself and causes an imploding big bang.

With a click of his hands, God created a interdimensional portal just behind the cheering man who was completely unaware of the suctioning hole behind him.

God chuckled “It's all Celestia’s problem now.” With that said he inhaled a large amount of air and blew. The wind pounded the Vagabundo in the chest like a ton of bricks and sent him plummeting down the interdimensional hole.

“MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEERRRRRDDDDAAAAA.” The Vagabundo screamed as he fell down faster and faster. He looked up at where he fell in from and he swore he saw an old bearded man and a fat lady wave goodbye at him. “No more Tequila for me.” Was all he could mutter before blacking out.

*_*_*

Celestia cringed on her bed as a small spark passed through her body. This happened only when Equestria was in grave danger, it happened when Discord broke free and when Nightmare Moon returned. No, not when the Changeling invaded Canterlot, no on cares about Queen Chrysalis. She trotted towards her balcony and gazed upon hers sisters gleaming moon that draped her kingdom in a silver curtain. She had to admit it, many times Equestria looked better at night, it seemed more serene and in harmony. A small frown plastered her lips. But something foreign just appeared in here world and it would no doubt threaten her subjects. She sent out a magic sonar to see if she could identify any unstable magic fields, after a small while the sonar detected something, it was a long way indeed but nevertheless she had to take action.

She materialized a scroll and a dabbed her wing pen in the ink pot. Steadily bringing it to the paper she began to write.

My faithful Student

I apologize for writing this message so late but it is of utmost urgency that you and your friends come to Canterlot Castle immediately. Something far more bizarre than Discord has entered our world. I cannot fully grasp it but I feel if we do not solve this quickly, reality as we know it will cease. I will send a carriage to your house at once, please be prepared for it.

Sincerly

Princess Celestia.

She placed the wing pen down on a table, rolled up the scroll and with a quick flick of magic from her horn the scroll poof'ed away. With that done she proceeded to leave her room and order some Pegasus guards to pick up Twilight and her friends. 'What did you send to me this time God?' She thought as she descended the flight of stairs.

*Thirty minutes later at the border between Equestria and Griffania.*

“IM A HORSE?! MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIERDA.”

Two directions, One lunatic.

The wind roared in the gloomy cavern, adding a another note to already music filled cave. The noise of water dripping and bats snoring lightly only added more depth to the place. This was the Vagabonds hideout. It was the only place they were protected from the elements of nature and the Akrid. It was also an easy chokepoint to hold if those Nevec Bastards attempted to launch another assault on them. The war between Nevec and the Snow pirates had been getting worse, both sides were having countless casualties, but they kept on throwing themselves at each other, for all they knew, they were expendable.

The leader of the Vagabond, nicknamed pyramid head for the shape of his mask, leaned forward on his metallic chair, which the vagabonds stoled from the Nevec Overlandbattleship. He was observing a rocket launcher that he held in his hand. The rocket launcher was also another weapon very favored by the Vagabonds because it basically represented them, pure brute strength. Who needed tattics like flanking with sniper rifles when you could just bash through the front door guns blazing and explosions, oh god, explosions everywhere.

' Those Nevec bastards will fear the wrath of the snow pirates ' Pyramid head thought, unconsciously gritting his teeth and his anger began to boil. Nevec had caused so much suffering to the habitants of EDN III, if only one group of people were going to cause suffering and bloodshed it would be them, The mighty Vagabonds.

“Sir” A Vagabond called as appeared through the cavern entrance. His mask was circular and his body was mild brown with yellow tattoo stripes, indicating his rank of lieutenant. Though it didn't mean much since the vagabonds didn’t really know what that meant nor did they care. It was each to their own most of the time.

Pyramid head looked up and replied in a gruff, irritated tone “What is it? It better be good.”

“Tasty good or wheee whoo good?”

Pyramid facepalmed. He seemed to be the only smart one in this faction. “Just tell me already.”

The round masked pirate nodded and with a click of a finger, two more Vagabonds appeared holding down a teenager who arms were chained, poorly, in front of him. The teenager was roughly around nineteen years of age and was wearing a combination of different clothings, from a Nevec jacket to a pair Vagabond metal shoes and mask. His face was swollen and trickles of blood were rolling down his temple. It took no scientist to realize this kid got his ass handed to him.

Pyramid head eyed the boy attentively. “So what do we have here, you lost your mama kid?”

The teenager remained silent, opting to keep his eyes fixed on the ground than to look at his captors.

Pyramid head looked at the lieutenant. “Where did you find him?”

The lieutenant stood at attention as he gave his report. “ We found this good for nothing rat, snooping around the overland battleship. He gave us quite a fight, he managed to kill twenty men with only a hand pistol.”

Intrigued by the fact this kid managed to slaughter twenty deadly Vagabonds, and with a weak hand pistol no less, really caught the pyramid headed leaders attention. “Do continue lieutenant.”

“Well after he ran out of bullets he started to run around the battleships in circles sir”

“Circles?”

“Circles, those are the round shapes right?”

“Yes lieutenant”

“Yes circles. Well it took us some time to predict his path, he was magically appearing from the left ran to the right then he appeared on the left side again, it was very difficult to catch up.... until he accidentally bumped into Mongo.”

“Poor Mongo eh?” The pyramid headed leader chuckled. Mongo was the name of the fattest Vagabond in the faction. He is so fat, sometimes the Akrid radar would confuse him for a Category G akrid.

“Long story short, Mongo gave him ‘heavy’ beating though he did injure him slightly.”

“Interesting.” The Vagabond leader stood up and approached the prisoner. He knelt down just a few centimeters away and analyzed the kid. He seemed malnourished as his ribs were visible but he had slightly toned arms which meant he had gone through many body wearing ordeals. “Tell me boy, what is your name and why did you think It was smart to pick a fight with the Vagabonds?”

Silence reigned the area for an eternity until the teenager finally rose his head at the Vagabond leader. “I don’t remember my name, but I only fought to measure my capabilities of survival.”

_*_*_

‘Dios...’ The Vagabundo was lost for words as he scrutinized his hoof. He had just woken up ten minutes ago with a tremendous headache only to end up finding out he was a horse when he tried to stand up and clumsily fell flat down. His toned arms and legs were replaced with well..toned legs and forelegs. His fur was a very light brown and his tail was a combinations of many shade of reds. But Funnily his clothes, metal shoes and mask seemed to still be on him but had shrunken to fit snugly around his new equine frame.

After a while of admiring his new form, he tried to stand, on both legs. It was no surprise that he couldn’t keep his balance and kept on falling on his back. “Grrrh, stupid legs. I’m not that drunk” He grunted as he continued his futile attempt to stand on his hind legs. This went on for Half an hour until the former human gave up. “I think horses can’t stand on two legs...carajo” He said grimly before attempting to stand on all four. It was easier, but still uncomfortable. It took roughly another thirty minutes of pacing and face planting before he managed to get the hang of it.

“Waaawhee, that was hard.” The Vagabundo huffed before he looked around at his surrounding. He was in a barren meadow. Behind him were multiples hills covered with flowers that swayed in the chilly night breeze, the moon shining a peaceful aura over the flowerbeds. But in front of him it was unnatural. The grass from the meadow seemed to stop at like an imaginary line and was replaced with gritty rocks and soil. It was like if nature itself refused to gift the land beyond that ‘line’ with life. Squinting a little harder, the Vagabond managed to catch a glimpse of what seemed to be light, glittering dimly on top of a very steep and eery mountain. He looked back once again and also managed to see flickering lights of what seemed to be a bustling city.

“I have little idea of what the hell happened. Am I dreaming? It feels real.” He lifted his gaze to the moon. “It certainly feels real,....aw to hell with this.” He shuffled into his pack, which surprisingly was still wrapped around his waist. He felt for his machine gun, but couldn’t seem to find it. “Oh caramba.” A slight tinge of panic was noticeable in his voice. The machine gun was to the Vagabundo what a wing is to a bird, it was basically like his limb, heck he would sacrifice a limb just to use his gun.

After a few more desperate scrambling in his pack, he felt the cold rusty metal of his machine gun. With a contented sigh he somehow managed to grab it, even though he had no fingers. Giving the gun a once-over and checking if it was lock and loaded, the Vagabond gave an impish grin behind his rectangular mask before returning the gun back to his pack. He walked a few meters back so he could keep the two flicking lights of the two distant cities in sight.

“Two cities to plunder and sack, but which one..” He bought a hoof to his chin as he pondered on which city would burn first. “The one on the eery mountain where the grass doesn’t grow, or the one where the flower’s are always ‘open’.”

Now here is where you the reader decides. Depending of where he goes first will also determine who he meets first and 'befriends' first.

Which city does our simpleton Anti/hero decide to burn to the ground first?

A) Hoofington (Green meadow, Equestria, Maybe befriend a pony.)

or

B) Grifasia (Rocky terrain, Griffania, maybe befriend a griffin.)

or

C) He's going to sit and watch the grass grow. Because that intrigues him....a lot, I mean a lot. (Maybe befriend a bee.)