You scream as you fall towards the hard stone ground.
*CRASH*
Ow. That hurt.
You get up and try to look around. You're in a dark stone room with some weird statues in them, possibly of ancient long forgotten gods and goddesses.
You look up at the hole you just fell down. Yeah, there was no way you were gonna be able to climb back out.
You decide to finally accept that you suck at adventuring and that looking for ancient tombs in the Everfree Forest was a bad idea.
Reasoning that the only way to go is forward, you trot down the crumbling corridor leading out of the weird statue room. More bizarre statues, along with a wide selection of mummified corpses, decorate the hallway. You're starting to feel really uneasy.
You start running as fast as you can and thankfully see a large open room at the end of the corridor. Just as you're about to sprint out into it, a golden-yellow hoof darts in front of you and forces to to screech to a halt.
You scream frantically, initially believing that one of the mummies has come to life and is pursuing you 50's-horror-movie style, but when you turn around you see a youngish mare, around your age, wearing a really cool hat.
"Hey!" she says. "You were about to run out there! Geez, be more careful!"
"W-what?" you reply.
"Turn around," she says.
You whirl around to look at the apparent danger the mare just saved you from.
"I... it's just a room like the rest of the rooms in this place," you say.
"Nah," the mare says. "Look."
She walks over to stand next to you and traces her hoof along the ground. "Look up there," she says and gestures in front of her with her other hoof.
You still don't see anything special. It's just a boring room with 4 stone walls, a stone ceiling and a stone floor.
You hear a click as the mare pushes her hoof down one one of the stones in the floor. Suddenly a barrage of poisoned arrows shoot out of the walls and clatter into the walls on the opposite side.
"Gyaaaah!" you scream as you fall backwards.
The adventurer mare laughs. "Seriously, can't believe you didn't notice that. It's such a basic trap."
She moves closer to you. "Unless... hmm." She circles around you, never taking her eyes off you. You start to feel extremely uncomfortable.
"You aren't an adventurer, are you?" she says.
"...no, not really," you respond. "I got lost in the Everfree forest and fell down a hole, and now I'm stuck down here."
She puts on a half-annoying half-endearing smug grin. "Knew it!" she exclaims. "Anyway, don't worry! You're with Daring Do, the best adventurer this world has ever seen! I'll get you out of here!"
"What? Daring Do? I thought you were a fictional character. You know, from those kids books," you say.
"Hey," she says, narrowing her eyes at you and staring at you with an irritated glare, "they ARE NOT kids books. They're for all ages. I wrote them myself. They're autobiographical."
"Uh, okay," you say. "I've never actually read one."
"Man, you're missing out on the best stuff ever! Hey, when we get out of here I'll give you a free copy of 'Daring Do and the Temple of Doom!' It's so cool! It's the story of how me, this little Gryphon kid and this singer I met in a bar stopped this evil cult from sacrificing people!" she boasts.
"Uh, that sounds weirdly familiar. Pretty sure I've heard that exact story before somewhere," you mutter. "Hey, let me guess, there's a book where you go after the Lost Ark and then it melts the bad guy's faces off at the end?"
She gets angry again. "Oh, I get it, you've seen Indiana Pones. Those movies are based on me! They just didn't use me, for some reason."
"Sure," you say, smirking at her.
"No, really!" she protests.
"Alright, fine," you say, deciding to drop the subject before she gets too angry. "So where are we right now?"
Her irritated expression is immediately replaced by one of childlike fascination. "Oh man, this is the best! Before I tell you, see if you can guess where we are!"
"Uhhh," you begin. You don't have a clue where you are. "Like... the Tomb of... like... Qualopec? I dunno," you say.
"WRONG!" she says. "Nope, this is a genuine Skragenzian tomb!"
You stare at her. "...What's a Skra-gehn-zee-ahn?" you ask.
"They're the race that lived on Equestria before ponies showed up!" she says.
"Oh yeah," you say, "I remember now. There was a guy talking about them on some show called "Ancient Equestrians." It was really lame. I think the guy was crazy."
She glances at you in an annoyed way yet again. "No wonder you aren't a real adventurer. You're too ignorant of the REAL WORLD."
You laugh. "Okay, okay. I believe in Ancient Equestrians. Those blurry black and white photographs are some convincing evidence."
She scoffs and turns away from you, glancing across the room. "We gotta go through here to reach the bottom of the tomb."
"What's at the bottom?" you ask.
Her eyes light up, her growing annoyance towards you apparently completely forgotten now. "Treasure!" she says.
She walks out across the safely deactivated arrow trap room, and you follow, making sure to step only exactly where she does.
You begin walking into the next room when she suddenly stops.
"Hmm..." she mutters as she looks around the room. "Okay. When I say 'go', just run as fast as you can to the door across from here. Okay?" she says.
"Wait! I can't run! I have asthma!" you say.
"Come on, it's easy," she says. "3... 2... 1... go!"
She sprints across the room and you run as fast as you can behind her. As soon as you step out into the room, the walls suddenly fall away and reveal spikes which then begin moving towards you.
You scream as you and Daring manage to slide safely into the doorway before the spikes crush you both.
"Haha, wasn't that fun?" she says, giggling.
You didn't find it so fun. You can hardly breathe and you think you peed yourself a little.
Just as you're about to get up and move, the floor suddenly collapses and you both fall down into a pit.
You land on your back in the small, cramped stone pit. You're just about to get up when Daring lands on top of you.
"Oh. Sorry, didn't see that," she says. "I don't think I've ever seen a collapsing floor before, so don't blame me, okay?"
You try to reply but thanks to the nature of how she landed on you, you can't.
Her ass is crushing your face. It would be erotic if it wasn't so painful and suffocate-y.
"Hey, are you okay?" she says. "Oh wait. I see what happened here. Uhh... one sec, I'll try to move."
Daring starts to shuffle around so that she gets into a position that's better than the current one in which she's literally sitting on your face. Unfortunately, she manages to shuffle into a position in which your hoof brushes against her pussy.
She immediately gasps and you cringe in embarassment.
"Uhh... Hey... That was... Uh... I didn't mean to do that... Like... Umm..." Daring stutters.
"Let's... let's just get out of this pit," you say, trying to alleviate the ridiculous amount of sexual tension that has developed between you and her in the last minute or so.
After some ridiculous acrobatics and insane maneuvers, you and Daring manage to climb out of the pit.
And now you can't seem to do anything other than sit in silence, both blushing and both unable to talk to each other.
"So, uhh... treasure. How about that treasure? Let's, uh, let's go get that treasure," you awkwardly suggest.
"Ah, yeah, treasure! Let's... let's get it," Daring responds with just as much awkwardness.
Neither of you move. You sit there in silence for another 5 minutes.
"Uh..." Daring finally speaks up, "you know down in that pit..."
"Let's not talk about it," you respond.
"Oh... Well, I was thinking maybe... the thing with your hoof... maybe you could do it again?" She attempts to give her signature smug grin, but fails and just winces instead.
You're pretty surprised by the suggestion, but after about 10 seconds of thought, you reply. "Sure, I guess. There's nobody else around down here..."
All her confidence and egotism come rushing back to her and she leaps at you and locks you in a kiss. Before you can even register what's happening, she grabs your hoof and lustfully pulls it down towards her dripping wet pussy. She moans as you move your hoof around in circles.
After a moment, you push her onto her back and slide your throbbing cock into her. She gasps. You slide in again.
You realize you could do this more comfortably from another position. You shuffle around to get a better screwing position, but feel the ground sink beneath your hoof.
Before you even realize what's happened, a barrage of poisoned arrows shoots out of the walls around you. You scream and leap forwards.
"Oh my god!" Daring screams. "Are you okay?!"
"I... I'm fine, amazingly. I don't think any of them hit me," you reply.
Daring's eyes suddenly go wide as she looks down.
"What's wrong, Daring?" you ask. You follow her gaze.
There's a sharp poisoned arrow jammed right into the end of your penis. And now that you know it's there, it's starting to hurt intensely.
You take deep breaths. You try to pretend you didn't just see the end of your cock split apart by an arrow.
"Okay, okay, okay, okay," Daring says, obviously panicking. "Don't worry. Don't worry. I... I have bandages and stuff. Just don't worry. It's... it's fine. Don't w-"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! OH GOD! NYAAAAGH! MY DICK!!!! OH GOD!!! AAAAGH!" you scream, unable to hold back the agonizing tirade anymore.
"Stay still!" Daring says. "Trust me! I can pull it out and heal you!"
She puts her hooves around the end of the arrow and gently pulls at it. The pain becomes too intense and you violently roll around on the floor.
This, unfortunately, causes her hooves to slip and push the arrow deeper in.
You gasp for air for a few moments before collapsing.
You groan as you wake up in hospital.
"Oh, you're awake," a familiar voices says. You turn to see Nurse Readheart.
"Hey," you say. "I... I can't feel my entire lower body?"
"Yeah, that's the anesthetic," she says. "Also, there's a curtain there that we usually use for pregnant women having caesarian sections so they can't look at themselves being ripped open. I thought you might want one based on how hard it was to get the arrow out." She tries to hold back a laugh, but fails and giggles. You're too tired to be annoyed at her.
You notice she's writing something down in a notebook. "What's that?" you ask.
"This," she says, smiling, "is my new script."
"Script?" you ask.
"Yeah, I'm writing a TV sitcom. It's gonna be really good. It's about this guy who's always trying to get with girls, and keeps totally messing it up and getting hospitalized. I think it'll be pretty funny, don't you?" she says with a half-evil smirk.
You sigh. This hospital sucks.
