The Online Gamer: Friendship is for Noobs

*WARNING: This fic contains copious amounts of naughty language. It is based off of an internet show called “The Online Gamer”. If you haven’t seen the show, I recommend you watch an episode or 2 to get the feel of what this is going to be like. The whole basis of that show is what an online gamer who plays FPS games would be like in real life. If you are easily offended I warn you to turn away now.  You have been warned.  Oh and for the record, I’m so sorry.*

Our story begins on a beautiful sunny November afternoon. What sets this day apart from any other regular autumn day? Well, it’s the day of the midnight release of Call of Duty Black Ops 2, of course! It’s here on this day that we join our hero. Is he spending this momentous day outside, enjoying the company of friends and family while basking in the sun?

“Headshot bitch, you just got owned.”

Uh, no... We join our hero inside a dark room, surrounded by empty Mountain Dew cans and cold cup Ramen soup. From the glare of the TV, all we can see is the dark silhouette of our ‘hero’.

“Dude, stop camping my spawn, you mage humping butt-fucker!”

... Meet Aaron, our hero of this story! A self proclaimed MW3 pro and slayer of noobs.

“Double kill,noobs. Oh you like that, don’t ya you spawn camping fuck?!”

Oh who am I kidding? He is a piece of shit!

“Oh yea buddy. One more kill and I’m gonna drop a MOAB on your asses, yeah!”

Aaron was so engrossed in his game that he didn’t notice a certain redheaded girlfriend stalk into the room. Rolling her eyes, she proceeded to flip on the living room overhead light, the instant change in lighting temporarily blinding Aaron.

It only lasted a moment, but it was long enough to make him lose his focus, allowing one of the ‘noobs’ enough time to headshot Aaron’s avatar; Instantly ending his 24 man kill streak.

His MOAB dream was destroyed.

“Becka, what the fuck?!” He shouted, taking off his Turtle Beach headphones and throwing them on the ground. “You made me lose my MOAB killstreak! I outta drop your ass akimbo style for that!”

Becka didn’t look amused.

“Oh quit your bitching you little fudge packer and shut that shit off.”

“No way, carpet-muncher. Can’t you see I’m beasting it up?”

With a sigh, Becka plopped down on the couch next to Aaron.

“Come on you scrotum eater, you promised we could do what I wanna do for a while before we have to leave for the Black Ops 2 release party.”

Aaron was trying his best to ignore Becka, keeping his eyes glued to the TV screen. No wait, actually he really was ignoring her. In one ear, out the other.

Losing her patience, Becka grabbed the TV remote and changed the channel, cutting Aaron off from his game.

“Dude! You freaking team killer!” Aaron yelled at the top of his lungs.

“It’s my house so I make the rules! And I say we are gonna watch some of my shows! Don’t like it? Take your shitty KD/R elsewhere.”

“I swear Becka if you don’t change it back to MW3 I’m gonna call in a pave low and level your ass!”

Becka’s only response was a one finger salute. Grunting in defeat, Aaron dropped his controller and shifted into a more comfortable slumping position. “So what lesbo show are you making me watch today?”

“Oh, you’ll see...” she said with a evil smirk. Ignoring Aaron’s annoyed sighs, she continued to flip through the channels until she found that one specific channel she had been looking for.

Across the screen flashed a logo that Aaron didn’t recognize. Giving it a scrutinizing look he asked Becka: “The Hub? What kind of man-fairy channel is this?”

“Shut up and watch, baby dick.” she replied with a knowing grin.

Crossing his arms in defeat, Aaron continued to half heartedly watch the pre-episode commercials to whatever mystery show Becka had up her sleeves.

Right after a commercial for Transformers Prime,( A show Aaron admitted looked pretty beast) ended, the fated show had begun...

My Little Pony, My Little Pony...

Aaron could only stare at the TV screen with his eyes wide and his mouth open, the very embodiment of horror was plastered on his face.

“Becka what the FUCK?! What the shit kinda faggy ass show are you trying to make me watch?!”

What? It’s a really cute show, and you’re going to watch it with me.”

“Uh, bitch, you must have just lost your mind if you think I’m gonna spend one minute watching this...” Aaron pointed an accusing finger at the TV. “ This noob ass show!”

“Yes you are! You promised me last week that you would watch whatever show I wanted, so we are watching it. And you wanna know why you will watch it?”

“Because you’re a red-headed carpet munching team killer with a crap KD/R?” Aaron asked with a look of betrayal on his face.

“No, because I’m the party leader of this shit, and what I says goes! Plus... If you don’t, I’m not gonna give you your monthly allowance of 20$ to play XBL and eat Ramen all month.”

“Fucking team killer...”

Mhm, that’s what I thought. Now sit down and enjoy, my bitch.” Becka said, adjusting her position on the couch and turning up the volume.

...you are my very best friends.

Through the whole episode Aaron couldn’t help but feel his masculinity jumping out the window. Honestly jumping out the window didn’t sound like too bad of an idea. 22 minutes of ‘pain’ was all that greeted Aaron. Becka looked completely entranced with the show, while Aaron only made jerk off motions with his hand.

Through little tidbits, Becka would stop and explain a certain part of the show, pointing out characters or specific ‘pop culture references’, not that Aaron cared.

“Oh come on, you’re not even paying attention.” Becka said accusingly, giving Aaron a shove.

“Sure I have.” Aaron replied half heartedly, his hand never ceasing its jerking motion.

“Alright then,” Becka began.

Pointing a finger at the screen. “What’s that pony’s name?”

Looking at the screen, hand still in the jerking motion. He saw a certain lavender unicorn with a purple mane with a streak of pink and darker purple in it.

“Uuuuuh, Purple Dildo?”

Groaning loudly, Becka got up from the couch and headed toward her kitchen.

“Where are you going?”

“To make me some food.”

“Good. Make me a sandwich, bitch.”

Stopping halfway through the kitchen door, Becka turned around giving Aaron a scrutinizing look. “Uh, how about you go fuck yourself?”

“Who lit the fuse on your tampon?” Aaron shot back. “Hey wait a second, you can’t expect me to stay here and watch this smelly taint without your ugly ass.”

“Uh yea you will, bitch. Don’t forget the 20$ on the line if you don’t stay and watch it.”

“Ugh, I need to beast it up online!”

“No you don’t. Now, sit down and watch the show like a good little bitch.”

“Jesus Christ, okay mom! Now go breastfeed a baby or something, GOD!”

Becka didn’t stick around to listen to Aaron’s little insults. Before he could even finish, she had left the room. Turning his attention back to the TV, he continued to watch. As far as he could tell, Purple Dildo was now walking through the Everfag Woods with her 5 horse butt-buddies to Castle Grayskull.

All he could remember of the story so far was that some black horse named Queen Whogivesafuck did some things and shit went down.

“If I was there, I woulda called in a predator strike on that bitch.” Aaron pictured the scene in his head. A missile flying down from a circling predator drone, following the while silhouette of the Queen. Getting closer and closer till BAM! “Haha yea, won’t be taking over no world tonight, you crazy bitch.”

Remembering that he had a ‘challenge’ (as he referred to it now) to complete, he returned his attention to the screen. Now all 6 donkeys were in a room with a bunch of stone testicles on a pedestal before them.

They all began to talk about something called the Elements of Harmony. Soon after, all the other noobs left the Purple Noob alone to cast some ‘come out of the closet spell’ or something. Suddenly Queen Bitch appeared before Purple Kool-aid in the form of a night cloud tornado, picking up the elements in its whirlwinds. Purple Sticky juice managed to jump into the tornado right before it disappeared in a flash of light, her butt-buddies rushing into a room shortly after. Their cries of confusion ended the scene as the show cut to commercials.

“Aargh, what’s the freaking point of all this? Just Juggernaut the bitch and get it over with!”

Aaron’s patience was quickly running out. Becka was taking way too long to make whatever food she had in mind. Aaron had to admit though, other than the abundance of girly colors, and girl horses, the show itself wasn’t what he was expecting. Fat chance he would ever let ANYONE know that.

But despite being not what he expected, he still found the show- “So fucking gay!” He couldn’t take it anymore.

“BECKA! Oh my God, lag....” He waited for an answer, but got no response. “Becka! You are lagging, hurry the hell up!” Nothing.

“PSN is only for shitty lag switching noobs who cant play MW3 for shit, and your leaderboard ranking  suck worse than your blowjobs!”

Nothing but silence. Aaron figured that string of insults would elicit some kind of reaction from her.

Just as Aaron was about to get up to investigate Becka’s absence, the commercials ended. Turning his attention back to the TV, he decided Becka was probably just changing out her tampon or something.

“Fuck it. Lets finish this show, then I can get back to beasting.”

As the show continued, the purple rhino was trapped in some room with the black queen. They had a really brief conversation before both horses decided they wanted to play a game of chicken, both rushing at each other.

“Oh my God you fucking noob! You got magic don’t ya’? Just headshot that bitch and get it over with!”

The instant before they collided, Purple Haze teleported behind Queen Sparkle-bitch, reappearing in a white flash next to the spheres. With a look of strain on her face, PurplePaperPeople began to cast some kind of spell on the balls. “Maybe she is trying to make a set of balls for herself.” Aaron said as he chuckled at his own joke. “Noob.”

The Stoner Queen realized her mistake, turning into a cloud of sparkly indigo smoke and charged toward her opponent.  It was too little too late. She materialized surrounded by the rocks “Shit. What where those things called? Elements of Something?”  Lightning arched off the elements, signaling that the purple pony’s magic may have worked. Suddenly, lightning jumped from the elements toward Sparkle Ass, knocking her flying backwards and sliding on her back halfway across the room.

The Queen looked to be in trouble surrounded by 5 elements with lightning coming off them.

“No, no!” The queen yelled. The purple one had a look of triumph on her face, and victory looked to be hers. Then suddenly the elements died off completely. All traces of magic gone.

With a laugh of victory, the queen reared up stomping the elements into tiny shards. Victory now seemed to favor her.

All looked lost when from the distance, voices could be heard coming up the stairs on the far side of the room.

“Twilight hold on we are coming!”

“Oh her name is Twilight... I knew it had something to do with pussy vampires.”

Suddenly, all of Twilight’s clan buddies were at her side facing down the Stoner Queen. After a long drawn out speech about each of her buddies elements, the shattered elements became jewelry for each of the six ponies. All of them were necklaces, save for Twilight’s, which was a Tiara.

All 6 began to levitate off the floor, magic surrounding them all. In a flash of white light, a giant rainbow lazer of death was sent hurtling at the queen.

“No, nooooooooooooooooo!” She screamed in agony, disappearing as she was enveloped in a rainbow tornado.

“Owned bitch! You just got your ass kicked co-op style!” Aaron shouted in victory. Realizing what he was doing he quickly looked side to side to see if anyone had seen him. Alarmed by his sudden enthusiasm for the show, he grabbed the remote and turned off the TV.

“That show sucked.” Dropping the remote on the couch, he stood up and started for the door when suddenly the TV turned back on. Walking back to the couch, he picked up the remote again and turned it back off. The TV flipped back on. “Dude, what the hell is wrong with this piece of shit?” Aaron asked in annoyance.

Taking a look at the TV, another episode of My Little Pony was playing. “Oh hell no..” Aaron said, he wasn’t about to watch another episode. He attempted to change the channel to something a little less gay, but the remote wouldn’t respond.

With an annoyed grunt, Aaron walked up to the TV to try and manually change the channel.(A gamers worst nightmare.)

When He got within arms length of the TV, he noted what was happening in the show. The setting was in some kind of colorful town, filled to the brim with ponies. Giving a mental shrug, Aaron tried to change the channel. The buttons didn’t respond. “What’s wrong with EVERYTHING today?!” Aaron shouted, jamming all the buttons on the TV trying to get some kind of reaction.

Suddenly the screen of the TV turned from My Little Pony to a solid hot pink color.

“Did I break it?”

The solid pink started to move, almost in a swirling motion. Aaron squinted his eyes at the TV, moving a little close and tilting his head to get a better look. The slow swirling motion sped up into a full on vortex. Aaron could almost feel the swirling screen pulling him in...

“Wait a second..” Aaron started. “It IS pulling me in!”

Somehow the TV screen had become a literal pink swirling whirlpool of death, and it had Aaron in its suction.

Aaron turned to put as much distance between him and the TV as possible, but as he did his right arm was caught and pulled in.

“What the fuck?! Let me go!” Aaron's shouts were in vain as the vortex pulled him in with even more force. First his whole right arm, then his head.  His left arm was holding onto the edge of the TV desperately. With the suction getting stronger, the rest of his lower body was pulled in as well, causing his grip to slip.

The last thing that was heard before the vortex closed was: “BECKA I HATE YOU!”

The TV screen returned to showing more of My Little Pony. Aaron was nowhere in sight.

Another typical sunny afternoon in Ponyville. A certain lavender unicorn was walking through the town. Her destination? Nowhere in particular. It had only been a few short weeks since Twilight Sparkle decided to make Ponyville her permanent home. She had been tasked with learning the magic of friendship by her teacher Princess Celestia. She was confident that with her new friends, she would be able to do that and so much more. She was happy and this day seemed to be perfect with so many chances to experience new things with her friends.

“Nothing could screw up this day.”

Suddenly, the sky over Ponyville began to darken. Clouds gathered together without the aid of any pegasi. Once most of the clouds had gathered, they began to take on a semi pink hue, the color pulsing different shades of pink. Slowly they started to swirl, gaining speed as it went.

“Well, I have been wrong before.” Twilight said before galloping off toward the center of town where the clouds had gathered.

Reaching the center, she was greeted with strong gusts of wind generated by the strange swirling clouds. It looked to Twilight that the majority of the town had gathered to watch, although they gave the center of the cloud vortex a wide berth.

Taking a quick look around, Twilight could see that a few of her friends had show up as well. Applejack and Rarity stood on the far side of the circle from Twilight. Pinkie Pie was hanging halfway out her second story window of Sugarcube Corner, a large smile plastered on her face. Fluttershy was hiding under an apple cart, her face obscured by her mane. Rainbow Dash was nowhere to be seen.

Turning her attention back to the weather anomaly, she noticed the clouds had compacted down into a much tighter organized vortex. To her, it looked like the precursor to a hurricane.

Before she had a chance to brood on what this event could be, the middle of the vortex started to reach down from the clouds toward the ground in a funnel shape.

“A tornado?! Everypony run!” Twilight shouted. Not needing to be told twice, everypony in the area started running for their lives in random directions. Once the funnel had reached about 15 feet or so from the ground, it suddenly halted.

Then to Twilight’s surprise, the very tip of the funnel started to expand. In a brilliant flash of light, the tip exploded, vaporizing the entire cloud formation. In place of where the tip stopped was a dark figure hovering in mid air, a faint white glow surrounding it.

“What is that?” A random pony shouted. Twilight couldn’t get a good look at it from her distance. But as far as she could see, it looked a little like some kind of animal.

After a few moments, the white glow faded and the dark figure dropped toward the ground, landing flat face down on the ground with a loud thunk.

Now that the strange pink clouds had disappeared, the sun was back to shining at its full. The beautiful day was back. Thanks to that, most of the ponies were coming out of their various hiding places and crowding over to the strange creature laying unconscious in the middle of town square.

Taking the initiative, Twilight ran over to the group and pushed her way to the front where the creature was laying. Since Twilight was the element of magic, as well as smart, she had a little authority over the rest of the ponies, so she didn’t have too much trouble pushing through the group.

Once she reached the middle of the group, she was just as dumbfounded as the rest of the ponies. Laying face down was what looked to Twilight like some kind of ape-like creature. He had 2 legs for sure on his lower half. The upper appendages ended in what looked like fingers, so they had to be arms. Most of its body was covered in clothes, on them was some writing that looked to say MW3.  As far as she could see, the exposed parts of its body was hairless. Although on its head there was a very short and coarse looking layer of hair. Its skin was also a very dark shade of brown. It had a very vague resemblance to the common Equestrian ape, although clearly this was no monkey. Perhaps an evolved cousin?

“It’s so strange.” Twilight said out loud.

“Ya’ll got that right.” Drawled Applejack as she walked up, Rarity following suit.

“What do ya’ reckon it is?”

“Dunno.” Twilight answered with a shake of her head. “But it’s not from around here, that’s for sure.”

“Well I must admit, it sure did make a flashy entrance.” Rarity added with a toss of her mane. “Does anypony recognize what it could be?”

Landing next to her friends was Fluttershy, doing her best to look as small as possible. The timid yellow pegasus never did well in large groups, but the possibility of an animal that was hurt overpowered her fear of crowds. If need be she would help.

“U-um, I’ve never seen anything quite like it...” Fluttershy said in her quiet tone.

Everypony in the crowd was at a loss. As Twilight and her 3 pals chatted about what to do next, a muffled grunt could be heard. The soft sound was enough to silence the 4 elements, and in effect, silenced the whole crowd. The sound was coming from the creature.

“wwfffufffk”  It grunted again.

Moving her head a little closer toward the alien creature to try and hear better, Twilight waited to see if he would make another noise. None came. After a couple of moments, Twilight inched a little closer toward the creatures head and asked in as calming a tone as possible, “Hello, are you okay?”

The creatures head shot up, his brown eyes locking with Twilight’s lavender ones. After a couple moments of staring at each other, the creatures eyes scanned back and forth taking in his surroundings. After a few more tense moments, he returned his attention to Twilight, who was frozen in place with fear. He opened his mouth as if to say something, all eyes were on him. Taking a deep breath, Aaron said the only thing that came to mind.

“FUCK!” He yelled before he lost consciousness again, and his head smashed back into the dirt.