We Find Thy Lack of Manners Disturbing
Ye Olde Equestrian
By: Brony Tom
"Sister, hast thou not already consumed a large enough quantity of cake?" asked Luna, Princess of the Night. She looked down her nose at the white pony across the dinner table, disdain in her expression. Said white mare was devouring yet another slice of triple-layer chocolate lava cake, which was of course covered in chocolate chunks, chocolate shavings, and chocolate syrup.
The two Princesses of Equestria sat together in a dimly-lit hall, the first light of the sunrise peeking over the horizon. The table they shared was rather small, only large enough to comfortably hold the two mares’ breakfast. Or supper, in Luna’s case. There was a complete lack of servants in the hall, and the only ponies besides the princesses were the Royal Guards accompanying them.
"Too much cake?" Celestia said, her voice garbled by the dark mass of cake filling her mouth. Black rivers of gooey syrup and molten chocolate ran from her mouth, and her lips were speckled with crumbs all around. Finally finished chewing, she swallowed loudly and let her fork fall to the table with a clatter. The Solar Princess leaned back in her excessively plush royal dinner chair, a contented look on her face. "You can never have too much cake," she said, accompanying her speech with a resounding belch.
"Celestia! Watch thy table manners, thou plebeian! Thy behavior is most crass, entirely unbecoming to one of thy lofty status," Luna shouted. She stared harshly at her sister, though the dim lighting of the room's few candles diminished the power of her glare.
"Relax, Luna, it's just you and me. Besides, everypony these days is much more casual about being polite. And really, why can't you drop that old-fashioned accent? Nopony uses 'thou' when they speak. Get with the times, Luna!"
"Surely, thou makest a jest? To think, I have been absent but for a millennium and thou sayest that ponies have simply lost their manners? This will not do! I shall make good manners a Royal Decree!" Luna stood up, righteous fury burning in her eyes.
Princess Celestia snickered before calling out to stop her sister.
"Luna, wait just a moment," she shouted. "You can't just make it a law that ponies have to use good manners, that destroys their freedom. Equestrian government is not as top-heavy now as it was back in the day."
"Well, I refuse to take such empty talk from a mare who can't even behave around her own sister!"
"I can behave 'properly' if I want to," Celestia protested. "Any day of the week."
"Ha! Forgive me if I withhold my confidence, sister. I challenge thee to do just that; I challenge thee to a competition of manners!"
"A... a what now?"
"Thou shalt have breakfast with us in the morning, using thy best manners and speaking correctly for a change. None of this rubbish about using 'you' to refer to one pony. Thou must speak as we did 1000 years ago." Luna smiled at her sister's shocked expression.
"Surely, you can't be serious?"
"Oh, but I am," said Luna. After a pause, she continued. "And question thou not my resolve, I will not be swayed so easily. What sayest thou to that, sister?"
"Very well, I accept your challenge. If I win, though, you have to promise to loosen up, and stop using 'thou' in your speech."
"Fair enough, Celestia. However, when I win, I will be allowed to decree these things: first, that ponies must adopt at least some modicum of politeness; and second, that ponies must go back to using 'thou' in their speech."
Celestia laughed.
"Oh, Luna, if I thought you had any chance at winning I would protest the absurdity of your demands. Since you can't win, though, I agree to these conditions. As a matter of fact, I also know the best pony to be the moderator for our little contest."
Luna's face was deathly serious, even as she leered at her sister.
"I may have been the more capricious of the two of us, Celestia, but let us not forget who it was that invented politeness. Summon thy judge, if thou darest."
The Night Princess was rewarded with the slightest of cracks in her sister's confident facade.
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Twilight Sparkle nudged the door to the Golden Oaks library open as quietly as she could, in the hopes that she wouldn't wake Spike, her loyal assistant, who was most likely already asleep. Inside the library it was almost totally dark, the only light coming through the open front door. The unicorn slipped through the door with care, and shut it behind her.
In order to see, Twilight cast a basic light spell that showed the interior in an eerie purple glow. She breathed deeply as she began climbing the stairs that led to her bedroom, eager to wash off the sweat and grime covering her body and to get in her nice, cozy bed.
“I'm glad Spike tidied up the library while I was out,” Twilight mumbled to herself. “After another day at Sweet Apple Acres, I don't think I have the strength to do it myself.”
Twilight reached the top of the stairs and paused; sitting directly in front of her was a woven basket covered in a checkered cloth, and sitting on top of it were two scrolls. One of the scrolls bore the royal seal, and the other had Spike's handwriting on it. Twilight levitated all three items and continued towards her bathroom, and began reading Spike's note.
Twilight-
Apple Bloom stopped by earlier today with this basket; she said it was a gift from Applejack for helping out with the harvest this year. I hope you don't mind, but I was kinda hungry so I ate one of the apple fritters.
Oh, and this letter from Celestia arrived about dinnertime; I wanted to get it to you as soon as I could, but there were a lot of ponies that had business in the library, so I had to handle that. Besides, it doesn't look that important or anything.
-Spike
P.S. Somepony actually checked out that book, “Quantum Mechanics and You: The Expert's Edition”, so you owe me five bits.
Twilight chuckled a bit as she opened the bathroom door, flicked on the lights, and set down the basket on the small counter next to the sink. The unicorn lifted the cloth covering the basket, and the mouth-watering scent of apple-y baked goods wafted out. On a whim, she whisked out the nearest object in the basket and plopped it in her mouth. She let out a contented sigh as she began chewing hungrily on the apple tart.
The mare twisted the knob for the shower and water began to pour out of the shower head. While she waited for the water to warm up, she picked up the letter from the Princess and scanned over it.
My Faithful Student,
Luna and I have a little bet going as to who is the most polite. I know it sounds rather silly, but my poor sister is dead set on seeing this through. She wants to have the competition during breakfast tomorrow; as for the bet, we need somepony knowledgeable on the subjects of Middle Equestrian grammar and etiquette, who would also be an impartial judge. There is nopony I would trust to fill out this role more than you. If you wouldn't mind, I would greatly appreciate it if you could moderate our contest tomorrow morning at breakfast. I will have a chariot ready to pick you up at sunrise tomorrow. As for the contest itself, performance will be based on two things; first, how well the participant can speak in Middle Equestrian, and how well they can adhere to the standards of politeness of high society.
Thank you, Twilight. I know you won't let me down on this.
-Princess Celestia
Twilight stood stock still for several seconds before the reality of the situation sank in.
“Dear, sweet Celestia, I've only got a few hours left to brush up on everything!”
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Princess Celestia paced nervously about the dimly lit entryway to the royal dining room. Twilight's chariot was supposed to arrive five minutes ago, and the princess knew that Twilight was punctual to a fault.
“Princess Celestia!”
The royal white alicorn turned at that, and breathed a relieved sigh when she beheld the sight of Twilight Sparkle galloping towards her at top speed. Behind her student, Celestia saw something unexpected; Rarity was also galloping through the hallway, albeit in a much more ladylike fashion.
“Twilight, there you are! I was beginning to worry you wouldn't make it. And I see you've brought Miss Rarity with you as well; may I ask why?”
“I'm sorry we're late, Princess! Really, I am, I looked away from the clock for just a second, I swear!”
“Twilight, calm yourself. You know that I don't mind tardiness that much.” The royal mare waited until all present were breathing evenly and were sufficiently stable. “Now, please, I am rather curious as to why Miss Rarity is here as well.”
“I think I can answer that, Princess,” said the white unicorn in question. “Twilight came to me this morning and asked if I could help her to moderate a contest of manners. She knew that I had the best eye for that sort of thing, and I just couldn't say no to a friend in need. So I spruced the poor dear up and we came here together.”
“Ah, I see,” said Celestia, “Twilight will be the judge of grammar, and Rarity of etiquette? Splendid idea. Breakfast is going to be served soon, though, so you should hurry out and acquaint yourselves with the dining hall.”
“Yes, your Highness.” Both unicorns bowed their heads and trotted past the Princess and into the dining hall.
As Celestia watched them go, she heard the soft patter of hoofsteps approaching from behind her. She turned and sucked in a sharp breath; Luna was trotting towards her. The real surprise was Luna's attire- or rather, the lack thereof. Her darker-coated sister wore no clothing whatsoever, not shoes or necklace or even tiara.
Princess Luna smirked.
“Dost thou find my lack of regalia something of a shock? I had hoped so, sister- it means I have already won.”
“Pfah, you think showing up naked to a competition of manners is going to make you win? I don't think the judges trot on that side of the street, Luna,” said the older sister, hoping to rile up her rival with an aggressive, even suggestive tone of voice.
“Ha, thou thinkest to incite me to anger before our contest as a weak attempt to come back from your loss. I am not such a foal, Celestia. If thou hadst studied thy history at all, thou wouldst know that it is considered polite to attend meals with intimate family in no clothing at all; such behavior was intended to foster casual communication and closeness.”
Celestia's eyes bugged out.
“You're joking!”
“Nay, thou art simply grasping at straws.”
“Well, you know what, Luna, you can go-”
The Day Princess was stopped by the arrival of the head waiter, who beckoned the two royal ponies to enter the dining hall. Celestia turned to sneer at Luna, but faltered when she saw the look of utter, assured serenity on her sister's face. All that slipped out was a loud, nervous gulp.
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