Twelve Ounces of Absurdity

by Sunshine-Smiles

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random
Length: 3765

A collection of strange and completely silly scenes

Come with us now on a journey through time and space to the mind of Sunshine-Smiles!

This is meant to be a collection of strange and completely silly scenes, the sort of humor that I find funny (and hope you will too)

I'll be doing all kinds of weird stuff

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-06 04:07:32 UTC

But Celestia Said No

But Celestia Said No

Twilight Sparkle made a leap for the mall’s ice cream vendor only to be yanked roughly back, a taut leash almost crushing her windpipe.

She turned to Celestia, flailing her forelegs frantically. “Please, I gotta get ice cream! Look, they got 27 flavors, I bet they even got book flavor!” Twilight leaned in close and gave the leash-holder a pleading gaze. “I think it’ll make me smarter, just like that time you went to the bathroom and when you came back, I was eating up the copy of The Da Vanner Code you were reading!”

You know what comes next. “No.”

Twilight did a double-take. “What, really? But you like ice cream! I catch you all the time sneaking into the castle kitchen at midnight! You eat whole tubs of the stuff and then I always tell you, ‘No Princess, you are what you eat and if you keep eating tubs of iced cream, you will turn into a tub.’ And we don’t need another bath tub, we already got that really nice one on sale with the turbo jets!”

Princess Celestia paused, then straightened her posture. “No,” she flatly replied.

“No, you don’t like the tub, or no, I can’t get ice cream? You need to be more speciffiiiic, I can’t even understand what you’re saying! I don’t know how to interpret regalese!” the desperate unicorn whined, doing a little stomp. “And it better not be the tub! I asked you if you liked it and you didn’t say anything. I told you if we didn’t want it, we had to return it within the week or they wouldn’t give us a refund.”

“No.”

“They did too tell us that! Don’t lie, we bought it together at Pony Depot. One week, it says right on the receipt. They had to tighten their policies because ponies were being dishonest, just like you’re being dishonest right now! And now you’re not being true to your heart because you won’t let us get the ice cream we both want!” Twilight spun in a circle, struggling with the leash.

Can you guess what the princess’ll say? Celestia said, “No.”

“C’mon, do you really not want it because you’re sick of ice cream, or is this a diet thing? Are you trying to watch your weight again? Because Princess, you aren’t fat and even if you were putting on pounds, that would be okay because you’re so much taller than everypony and your frame can handle it! It’s like how a big barrel can hold more than a smaller barrel.”

“No.”

Twilight looked at her incredulously. “Eh what? Uh, Princess Celestia, are you confused about basic physics? Okay, so that wasn’t the best comparison but you can’t just say no to it. That’s just not gonna work out for anyone. Even if you wanna refute my understanding of matter, you gotta give a counter argument!” She grabbed some flowers from a nearby vending cart. “I need something to go on here, like if you fill a small barrel up with these flowers. If you want to prove it can hold more, you got to do an experiment that shows it. Scientific!”

“No.”

“You can’t just dismiss science like that! Didn’t you invent science, anyway? Aren’t you like the pony god of the pony people? So if you talk like that about science, it’ll set a bad example. You’ll be ruining science! Hold on, you didn’t ruin science already, did you? Did you break the science?! If you did it, say you did it! If you didn’t, suck it up and say you did.”

Celestia held her stoic pose. “No.”

“Come on, you can tell me. You can trust me! Is that why gravity’s playing favorites? Don’t tell me no, cause I have the know. I’m in the know, it’s happening because I saw it! I’m drowning in know—ledge, in knowledge—and I can’t breath!” She shoved the flowers in Celestia’s face. “Think of the flowers, they use photosynthesis, they don’t wanna be that familiar with the floor!”

Princess Celestia swatted the bouquet out of her face. This time she stated, “You’re in my way. I was looking in that direction and now all I see is you, and I wasn’t looking to see you.

"Plus you walk funny. Your walking isn’t funny, walking like that will break your back. If your back broke in half, you wouldn't be able to walk anymore and you'd spend all your days in a chair crying for food but nobody will help you because you're nobody's friend.

"You don't have friends, not even the chair. Nobody likes you, nobody knows you, nobody rules the earth like I do and you don't. Plus you're in my way and I wasn't born looking at you, I wasn't born to do anything for you.

"Those flowers aren't real, those flowers are fake. If you think those flowers are for me, then you think wrong. Those flowers are for nobody and you are the nobody, you probably stole those flowers from your grandma.”

Awkwardly, Twilight rubbed the back of her head, then stared at the ground. “My grandma’s dead.”

There was a brief silence, then “No.”

“So, uh, what about that ice cream?”

“No.”

Thus Spoke Applejack

Thus Spoke Applejack

Today’s bound to be an interesting one. That had been the first thought in her head as Applejack rose for the new day. She wasn’t really sure why. Nothing significant had occurred since the changelings had invaded the royal wedding a few months ago. No dragons, Discords, or diamond dogs. Each day held little variance from the usual routine.

Despite this, our eager Applejack found herself craving excitement and held onto to that thought as she ate her breakfast. And as she got a hyperactive Apple Bloom (the yellow prick) ready for school. And as she went through her daily chores. And as she helped Granny find her teeth again, this time embedded in the kitchen ceiling (we know who Apple Bloom takes after).

Now afternoon, the fatigued farm pony was currently lying under one of the abundant apple trees of Sweet Apple Acres. Her exact location on the farm is irrelevant as neither you nor I will be traveling there anytime soon, despite how many bedtime prayers you devote to the matter. Also, maps of the property are kept in short supply as the Apple family values their privacy due to a wariness of big government.

So, resigning herself to another Monday, AJ had just begun to nod off when a mischievous apple fell squarely onto her head. Bolting up, she muttered, “Jus’ what the hay was that fer?” Then she noticed she was conversing with an apple.

And then it all came together.

Some might attribute it to the recent head trauma, but Applejack knew the real culprit was divine inspiration. For the first time, she truly felt awe for the beautiful, harmonious form of the apple. It was the sustainer of life and foundation of a solid family, a bastion of purity in this corrupt pony world. Ever the fool, she’d been searching outside herself for purpose when apples were right there all along! Apples are no mere livelihood, but the path to a righteous life!

Applejack had recently taken up reading poetry at Twilight’s behest.

“Ah gotta do somethin’ ‘bout this! Heck, I’m supposed to be the element o’ honesty. It ain’t right fer me to keep the truth all ta myself, I gotta tell everypony else!” Picking up her hat, AJ set off in a mad dash for town.

Along the way, her head buzzed with ideas swarming and swirling. Revelations on the nature of existence! But among these thoughts, it occurred to the sincere pony that she lacked the eloquence necessary to satisfyingly convey the message across ponykind. She would need the help of a booksmart pony to write down her new gospel.

 Arriving at Twilight’s library tree, Applejack rapidly knocked on the door. Unfortunately for her, the princess had already enlisted Twilight’s help—in the development of new destruction spells for the defense of Equestria—and the harebrained unicorn was standing right at the other side of the door, testing her magic on it.

The kinetic vibrations set off a magical mine, blowing up Ponyville.

A Nice Sisterly Bond

Sweetie Belle cheerfully trotted into the room. “Hiya Rarity! Guess what—”

“Shut up.”

“But I—”

Rarity turned away from her. “No. I despise you. You’re a little nothing, a speck.”

“Something cool—”

“A speck.”

“I got legs—”

“Do you know what I do to specks messing up my clean boutique?”

The filly scratched her head. “Um...you give them ice cream and a new toy?”

“No.” Waving her forelegs, Rarity chanted, “Alegba oggway shan-go!”

Sweetie tilted her head. “...What does that mean?”

“Voodoo.”

“Oh.”

The older unicorn smirked, rubbing her hooves together deviously. “It’s the dark arts. Over the course of this week, you will very slowly and painfully mutate into a repulsive jellyfish creature, doomed to live out the rest of your pitiful existence in exile.”

“Oh. Can jellyfish eat ice cream?”

“No, and if you try, I will lock you in the shed again.” The mare scowled.

“...I think I’m gonna go play with my friends again.”

Rarity perked up at that, all smiles. “Bye then, darling! Don’t forget to tell Scootaloo she’s next!”

My Kin My Enemy

Princess Luna trotted lively into the Royal Living Room, pretending she was an astronaut. Sometimes she missed living on the moon. Sometimes the moon missed living on her. But thinking this while walking was too much of a burden on her existence, and she tripped.

Princess Celestia leapt off the couch in anguish. “The horror, the horror!” she shrieked, thrashing her legs..

Luna Princess looked up at her sister, emotionally stirred by the concern for her well-being. Her eyes glimmered with tears as she whispered, “Dearest sister, we are infinitely touched by your love for us.” She made no attempt to get up.

However, the solar goddess had paid no heed to her jubilations and was at the window, playing with the lever. “Can you believe it? Someone forgot to shut this window! A bug could get in here or something...maybe a grasshopper.” She shuddered. Grasshoppers are the original evil.

Dust. Dust in the wind. Only ever dust in the wind. Luna stared at the floor in contemplation, then detached her right foreleg and set it to cleaning mode. It set to work clearing away all that dust, but it was likely a mug’s game.

She considered what odd jobs she might set her other limbs to. Her left hind leg seemed like the sort to enjoy cooking, she believed it had once told her so. But what if it was better minding the register? And even if not, what would it prepare, the creme brulee or the beef wellington? Maybe even the raviolis...the menu had been recently expanded and it was all so confusing.

She decided to consult her older, wiser sister in the matter. Tentatively, she gathered up the moisture in her mouth, pooling the saliva. Remembering the good times, she spit. But her aim was off and it hit Celestia square in the face, staining the pristine regal fur with enzymes. Unless that’s what she’d been going for, she’d made a balls of it. You can tell her so yourself if you ever happen to see her, I know I will.

Celestia blinked. She winked. She almost shrinked. She scowled at Luna and barked, “Just what the hell was that for?”

“What should we prepare for dinner?”

“You spit on me so you could ask about dinner?!”

“Well, yes.” She gestured to her absent limb. “I can’t walk like this, and I don’t have the heart to interrupt the poor thing.” Luna is very compassionate and writes poetry.

The older alicorn narrowed her eyes. “Acceptable this time.” She grabbed Luna by the tail and dragged her into the kitchen.

They stopped in front of the fridge. Luna waited patiently and charmed the ants while her sister rummaged through spoiled and forgotten foods. They ate out a lot, which she liked to tell visitors was the reason for Celestia’s enormous butt.

And after throwing out numerous cartons of milk from the previous century, Celestia struck gold. “Aha!” she declared, pulling out a foul hunk of goat meat and shoving it in Luna’s face. “The answer to our prayers!”

Luna blanched at the stench emanating from the thing before her. Decayed and maggot-ridden, writhing fungus covered the rotten meat from yesteryear, and it gleamed in the kitchen light, giving off eerie vibes. The air grew stale and her heart caught in her throat.

Stunned, she couldn’t pull her eyes away. Luna gazed into the infinite depths of the mold, that one sacred abyss where all is right. And she knew it was, it had been, it could be no longer. Outrageous. Unacceptable. Heartbreaking.

Clenching her jaw, eyes burning with the flame of a thousand phoenix, she wrenched it away from her sister and indignantly threw it against the wall.

Rebounding against the hard surface, the wretched chunk of goat landed on a discarded slice of bread.

And that’s how sandwiches were invented.

We Live For Love

Twilight turned to the mare next to her. “Do you believe this?”

“I don’t believe anything,” Rarity replied, applying more black eyeliner.

She sighed. “Loaning you Neightzsche was a mistake.”

“Seeking what is true is not seeking what is desirable.”

Twilight shook her head in disgust and once more looked to the scene before her. Writhing on the filthy floor of the library in a pile of books, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were covered in Felix the Cat stickers and wrestling, with a bit of kung fu thrown in for good measure. Fluttershy was surprisingly winning and had just put Dash in a headlock, her eyes bulging and face turning a delightful shade of purple, suffocating like a champ. Also for some reason, Scootaloo was humping the cyan speedster’s leg and pouring peach sauce on them.

“You fucking better not get that on my books. I paid good money—it was a gift—I put some effort into stealing them from Bus Stop Marigold in that alley,” Twilight warned.

“Nngh, yeah, whatever.” Scootaloo continued her sexual assault while Rainbow Dash’s few brain cells left her.

“Oh, I’m so very sorry about this, Twilight. But this bitch has to learn not to mess up other ponies’ sticker collections.”

Rarity paused writing gloomy poetry about vampires to chime in, “That’s so lame, darling. Like the blackness of my soul makes me ask why would you bother?”

Fluttershy didn’t respond, merely finishing the job on Rainbow Dash.

“Screw this, I’m not serving another prison sentence.” Twilight flipped them the bird and went to the market. Rarity caught it and started dressing him up as Owlowesiouxsie.

On the way, several random ponies stopped Twilight to inquire on the proper procedure for gardening peas, squash, and those little potatoes that smell funny. Which one, they all smell funny, she asked. But the ponies could only shrug their shoulders and admit they hadn’t paid close attention, they weren’t in the habit. That’s why they had to go to her instead of researching themselves. The literacy rate in Ponyville is lower than you’d expect. Maybe not, I actually don’t know of many ponies that can read.

But let’s leave the past to reminiscers and outdated sitcoms. Now at the bustling market, Twilight was feeling particularly bold and the heat clouded her mind to any inhibitions. Ineptly, she sauntered up to the nearest vendor, a used carrot salespony with a heart of gold and a liver of broken dreams.

She made a duck face and leaned over the counter. “Say Casanova, you look like you could use a good time.”

He blushed and pulled his shirt over his snout. “Ya—ya think so? My wife died yesterday and my kids rebuked me...I sure could go for something fun like pictionary or monopoly.”

Twilight fluttered her eyes. “Monopoly? I’d like to build a hotel on your boardwalk.”

The vendor began hyperventilating and his pupils dilated, he was putty in her hooves.

But suddenly, his eyes fell out and he grew five-foot-long horns! His mane erupted into hellish flames and he gave a malicious laugh, flashing teeth that could chew through those really hard bits in Rice Krispies. “Forget the board games, we’ll murder business executives and rape orphans together! For I am Satan, daddy of evil!”

She leapt back, blood running cold, arousal slightly dampened. She looked around the crowded sordid market, was anyone seeing this? But apparently no, no one cared that the wimpy carrot guy had mutated into a hulking antichrist that smelled like mildew.

“Are you ready for a night of immaculate seduction and absolute corruption?!” He licked his lips, eyes glowing eagerly.

“Um...not really. Look, uh, Satan, I—I don’t really like you. I mean yeah, I’m kind of a bitch and like to steal from hobos, but that’s it. I’m not evil.”

Satan did a double take, was he really hearing this? From the mare that kicked puppies? He frowned, turning away. “Fine. You guys never want to do anything, nobody ever includes me. I don’t even know why I try.” He blinked away unholy tears and sniffled. “Fuck you, I’m done with this shit.”

Shoulders drooping, Satan sulkily walked away into the sunset, leaving a trail of death and doom everywhere he stepped. Poor guy, it’s not like he could help it. It’s a birth defect.

You should feel ashamed of yourself.

My Sweetest Pain

Fluttershy stared at the lion outside her window. It was a vicious sort, complete with fangs, claws, and tattoos from one of those little vending machines. One in particular contained the picture of a devil-horned angel and read Total Bitch in cursive. This really set the pegasus ill at ease. Thanks a lot.

Putting trouble out of mind, she turned to the record player Dash had given her for her birthday. She did not really know what to do with it, being that sh'd owned no records at the time, so Fluttershy had felt obligated to search out the nearest yard sale. She'd ended up purchasing a Bonnie Tyler album. It spoke to her soul in ways she was not really comfortable with, but then the timid mare wasn't really comfortable with most that existence offered. Why not simply put this trouble to rest?

Well, Fluttershy had to remind herself there that various small and delicate lives depended on her. She'd somehow at one point gotten the notion in her head that this was significant, and she'd never really been able to rid it since then. The mongrels had piled up not long after. As if on cue, Angel Bunny hopped up to her, gesturing toward the carrot cabinet with a demanding stare.

No other recourse available, Fluttershy complied and rose from the sofa. At least the task had taken her mind off that frightening lion, she reasoned. Damn. And now the bowl she'd filled with carrots resembled all manner of predators so she hastily hoofed it off to the little nuisance. Let him deal with the nightmares. Actually, she grinned, that might be a worthy undertaking. Not even she was above malevolence, and this, barring the mean-spirited obvious phrase, could accomplish two tasks with one effort. Yes, if Fluttershy was able to obtain a dream-modifying potion, she might pluck the meddlesome images right from her mind and pass them off to Angel Bunny, simultaneously punishing him and sparing her one of many stressors.

Now where would she get a dream potion from? She was a pegasus, last she'd checked and she checked again now just in case, and so had no experience with magic. Yet this was why she had friends, and Twilight would likely have something stocked in that giant tree of hers. Wasn't right for a pony to live in a tree, Fluttershy'd often thought, but it would come in handy for her at least for her. For some reason, it seemed to her that trees were known to be good locations for storing dream potions. And the mare did not question beliefs that might be detrimental.

Returned to the present by the small fists of an irate bunny, Fluttershy tossed the bag of carrots to him. She had work to do.

"Twilight?" Fluttershy called, knocking gently on the door. "Twiiliight!"

Some minutes passed in this manner before Twilight finally opened the door, giving an exasperated sigh. "Fluttershy, I've told you before, this is a public library. You don't need to knock."

"Oh, but what if I happened to come in at a bad time or intrude on you with--"

Blushing, the unicorn cut her off, "That was one time and we've learned our lesson!"

At that, Fluttershy nodded sagely. "Yes, it is important for a pony to learn their lessons about such things."

"...Anyway, what did you want?"

"Oh, um..." She reverted to her shy state, making requests was such a brutish activity. In some respects, Fluttershy considered herself a proper mare the way Rarity did. Probably more so, much more chaste than the needy slut.

Twilight wasn't amused. "Well you can't just stand there all day," she frowned. "You'll either have to tell me or step away from the door so other ponies can get in."

Fluttershy glanced around in case there were actually ponies inhabiting the library. There were none, but she didn't say anything. Likely the tree to blame anyway, dreadful thing for a pony to inhabit. "Okay, um, here goes, this is it...Do you have any dream potions to spare? I could really use some for my unceasing nightmares."

Twilight Sparkle blinked. "Dream potions? What, do you think I'm some sort of astral-projecting New-Age flower child? I'm a mare of concrete science and if anyone is a flower child, it is you. Look at overgrown mane you likely haven't cut once in your adult life and I can tell it certainly doesn't get washed. Your cutie mark is fucking butterflies and you spend all your time in an isolated shack doing god knows what with that zoo of yours, I'm fairly sure that's in violation of Ponyville's residential code and you can consider your sorry ass lucky it hasn't been reported yet. In case you haven't guessed by now, No, I do not keep any fucking dream potion and I never will."

The door slammed shut.

"...Okay."