OH JESUS!

by Chuckward

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Romance, Comedy
Length: 3269

The new My Little Dashie.

Jesus finds his way into Equestria.

Published 2012-10-18 17:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-06 08:56:58 UTC

Broccoli soda!!!

Jesus was skipping along a cobblestone path whilst happily toting around a crucifix as the people surrounding him lovingly booed.
I sure am glad these people are so appreciative of what I'm doing for them,Jesus thought to himself,listen to them boo with delight.
Jesus thanked god for providing him with the delights of being spat on and tortured as he gleefully trudged his way to the top of a hill. Once there some kind Romans pushed him onto the ground and threw rocks at his shins. Afterwards they began to put up the cross.
"No kind Romans, allow me to set up the tool of my destruction," Jesus said.
" Can't let you do that Starfox," said one of the Jews, before he pushed Jesus to the ground and lovingly rubbed dirt in his many cuts.

Jesus began pondering,Why do they love me so much? I've never done anything important, but now I get to be put to death in front of thousands of people. Thanks judas the priest.

Before Jesus could ponder any further he was beaten some more and then nailed to the cross with loving care.
Jesus stayed suspended on the cross for three days, and when he sensed death was drawing near he opened his moth and began to speak.
"I am Jesus Christ. And I see a whole army of my countrymen,
here in defiance of tyranny! You have come to fight as free men. And
free man you are! What will you do without freedom? Will you fight?"
"Two thousand against ten?" - the Jews shouted. "No! We will
run - and live!"
"Yes!" Jesus shouted back. "Fight and you may die. Run and you
will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now,
would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for
one chance, just one chance, to come back here as young men and tell
our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take
our freedom!"
Suddenly the heavens opened up, and a booming voice echoed over the countryside, many were confused, but Jesus knew who it was, it was the creator, the alpha and omega, his own father, god.
" My son, for quoting Braveheart at the most appropriate of times I've decided to spare you the pain of slowly dying, and instead send you to a land of sunshine and happiness."
" What is this land you speak of father?"
" It's a beautiful world inhabited by colorful ponies, it's called Equestria. I made it after getting high off of some angel dust."
"Angel dust?"
God winked.
" Oh I get it, because you live in heaven, nice one dad.
" Thanks son."
Then god's mighty hand descended from heaven and bitch slapped all of the Jews and Romans within a five mile radius. The power of the Heavenly bitch slap was so powerful that it not only kept all of god's bitches in line at once, but it also opened a hole in space and time that began to absorb everything around it, including Jesus.

Once inside the wormhole Jesus became aware of the fact that he was spinning, very fast. Jesus began to feel nauseated and then he threw up, but something was odd, no matter how much Jesus threw up it just kept coming, and the puke was Spinning with him. He was eventually engulfed in a spinning serenade of stinky stomach acid. When the chunks of food brushed against his clothing they generated a powerful surge of static electricity that permeated every inch of Jesus' Vomit. He was soon nothing more than a mass of flesh surrounded by electrically charged puke, and as science will tell you, once you combine Jesus with lightning and vomit a portal to Equestria automatically opens and whatever is within five miles of said portal is immediately sucked through.

Once he was awake Jesus stood up and calmly assessed the situation.
He came to the conclusion that the only way to properly express himself was through song. So Jesus began to sing his own version of "What's This?" From Nightmare Before Christmas.
" What's this? What's this?,
There's ponies everywhere!
What's this? What's this? There's sparkles in the air!
All these things are so amazing, and it simply leaves me saying,OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
WHAT, IS, THIS?"

Once he finished his musical number he turned to see six colorful ponies standing in front of him.
They were all so cartoony looking. Jesus could hardly believe his eyes. There was a Purple one, a Pink one, a yellow one,an orange one, a blue one, and a white one.
The white one stepped forward and spoke.
"Oh dear Celestia that thing is covered in vomit.Erm, hello, my name is Rarity and I'm the resident fashionista, we simply must get you cleaned up."
Jesus looked down to see that he was in fact covered in vomit, no biggie though, he simply used his Jesus powers to shoot a pulse of energy from his body that sent the vomit flying off of his body and all over the White pony.
In response she simply screamed about how her coat was all dirty and ran off towards the nearest bath house. Jesus shrugged this off and assumed that Rarity was just one of those weird people who didn't like it when strange creatures materialize out of thin air and cover them in vomit. After deciding he didn't care enough to apologize he turned to the other ponies.
The next one to approach Jesus was the shy yellow one, after all despite her timidity, she couldn't resist the idea of meeting some brand new animal.
" Hi... I'm fluttershy, what's your name?"
" I am Jesus you strange winged equine."
" What's a Jesus?"
Now this question confused Jesus, he sat there for a couple minutes before deciding that the best way to respond would be to scream nonsense words and punch Fluttershy in the mouth. Unfortunately rather than immediately falling in love with him as Jesus had anticipated, fluttershy ran away crying. The blue Pegasus shot Jesus a death glare and flew off to comfort her friend.
Jesus turned back to the remaining three ponies.
Three down, three to go,Jesus thought to himself.
__________________________________
Yes I know, I'm going to hell.

Jimmy neutron isn't in this chapter.

Before I begin this chapter I'd like to say this. I wrote the first chapter at midnight, when I woke up I felt very sick. Maybe a certain deity wasn't too happy with me. Oh well, my motto is " If you break it you buy it" and I'm pretty sure that's applicable in some way at this point. I almost included a disclaimer for this story, but then I remembered that I didn't want to.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________

The next pony to approach Jesus was the angry looking orange one in the stetson.
"Now what in tarnation did you do that for ya friggin' varmit," she screamed.
"Wow,"Jesus replied," that's the lamest fake accent I've ever heard. What's your name anyway?"
"My accent is not fake," she yelled, steadily growing even angrier," and my name is Apple-"
"Apple? That's a stupid name, what kind of loser parents name their kid apple?"
"My parents are dead."
"Well if you ask me, I think they got what they deserved, anyone who names their kid apple deserves to burn in hell."
"MY NAME ISN'T APPLE," Apple screamed before lunging at Jesus with the intent to kill.

Jesus simply stepped to the side, avoiding the attack, then he dashed towards Apple and sent her flying with a vicious uppercut.
"SHORYUKEN," Jesus shouted as he began to descend from his epic attack. He looked at Apple's trajectory and calculated the exact point where she would land with his Jesus math and ran to that spot, where he caught Apple and threw her in the direction that Fluttershy and blue pony had went, then he returned to the remaining two ponies.

The purple one was the first to speak up.
"Why are you doing this to my friends,"she cried,"they never did anything to you."

"I'm pretty sure that Fluttershy looked at me crossways."
"Oh, well in that case I forgive you, I really need to teach that pony some manners."
So Purple pony also ran off in the general direction of where Jesus assumed Fluttershy had gone.

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie."
Jesus jumped, startled by the loud noise. He turned to the Pink equine.

This is gonna be so easy,Jesus thought to himself,"There is absolutely no way that this pony can keep up with the things I'm about to say.

Pinkie simply grinned.

Pinkie vs. Jesus!

Before we begin I'd like to let you know that this story is completely canon and there's nothing you can do about it. It takes place between seasons two and three.
_____________________________

" What are you,"Pinkie asked.

"Ok, well I wanted to inform you. Also, Ashley went home sick, and im gonna bring you something after school," Jesus replied.

" Is it racist bulldogs?"

"Is a racist badger good enough? If not, ill get you the bulldogs for christmas."

"I don't know, badgers tend to be allergic to cellophane, and I like 3D movies."

Jesus stood there, stunned by Pinkie's quick thinking. If he didn't think of something, Pinkie was going to win.

I'll just have to step up my game,Jesus thought to himself.

"Dont forget though bacon pumas can breath on the moon and the average black man uses a rock to fish," Jesus said.

"Yes but once you pour liquid cucumber skins into a hippos mouth, you've truly seen the face of god, and speaking of hippos, you must remember all new yorkers after take-off must jump through the halo of a jalapeño."

Jesus felt as though he was being struck by lightning. In his entire life he'd never met a being so powerful. He felt himself losing consciousness.

"You have defeated me, Pink warrior," he said just before he collapsed.

Unbeknownst to the entire populous of Eqeustria, a dark evil was looming over them. Eager to take advantage of the fact that Jesus was no longer under god's visage. It was the devil's father Ultra Satan! He decided to infiltrate the small town of Ponyville by disguising himself in the best way possible. After checking the Internet he decided to take the form of a red and black alicorn, after all, according to the Internet they were not only very common, but also really badass and cool, with more power than the princesses themselves. He turned to see a pony trotting toward him, probably to be his friend, after all everybody loves red and black Alicorns.

"Hey there mister, what's your name," the small pony asked.

Deciding that Ultra Satan probably wasn't the best thing to say he quickly came up with a totally badass name that was dark and mysterious.

"It's Cursed Shadow."

Â¡Ariba!

Ultra Satan didn't know when or how it happened, all he knew was that he was surrounded. He had simply told a small gray Pegasus with odd eyes that his name was cursed shadow, and now he was surrounded by ponies in luchador masks. The gray Pegasus put on a sombrero and began to speak.

"Ehi, nero e rosso alicorn! che non vedono di buon occhio i tipi da queste parti!"

Ultra Satan was confused, he didn't know what language that was, all he knew was that he could speak it perfectly.(he was an Ultra Satan after all.

"Stai indossando un sombrero. Perché parli italiano," he asked in flawless Japanese.

One of the luchador ponies aptly named luchacorn approached Ultra Satan to help explain.

"derpy許して、彼女は唯一の外国語での一貫した文章を形成することができる," he said, hoping that got the message across.

"大丈夫ですああ、私は、私はすべての言語を話し、ウルトラサタンよ。 It sure would suck for anyone reading this though! They wouldn't catch a word of this, can you imagine if an amazingly sexy author did this in a story?"

Ultra Satan and the luchacorn share a laugh.

The reawakening

Jesus woke up and looked around. Then he started blinking. He just couldn't stop. Blinking constantly, never stopping.
He got up out of the bed, but some nurse ponies pushed him down. Due to his incessant blinking Jesus's vision was distorted, and what was actually a bunch of nurse ponies trying to help him looked like a herd of wolf squids. Jesus began to panic, in his half-awake state he forgot that the wolf squids were wiped out during the great cleansing and he ran out of the hospital using his super Jesus powers to kill everything in his path.

Jesus was still blinking. He simply couldn't stop. But he knew what to do, after all Momma Jesus always told him "If you find yourself blinking uncontrollably then whip out a cowbell and play like there's no tomorrow."
Of course Jesus then pulled out a gun and a black box, he pointed the gun at the box and fired. The box opened to reveal a small hammer. Jesus removed the hammer and pulled out another box, this box however had a panel of glass that read "Break in case of emergency." Jesus hit the glass with the hammer and the glass shattered. He then reached into the box and pulled out another hammer. Then he pulled out another box and hit the hammer against that one, shattering the glass panel on the front. He then reached into the box and pulled out another hammer. Then he pulled out another box and hit the hammer against that one, shattering the glass panel on the front. He then reached into the box and pulled out another hammer. Then he pulled out another box and hit the hammer against that one, shattering the glass panel on the front. He then reached into the box and pulled out another hammer. Then he pulled out another box and hit the hammer against that one, shattering the glass panel on the front. He then reached into the box and pulled out another hammer. Then he pulled out another box and hit the hammer against that one, shattering the glass panel on the front. He then reached into the box and pulled out another hammer. Then he pulled out another box and hit the hammer against that one, shattering the glass panel on the front. He then reached into the box and pulled out another hammer. Then he pulled out another box and hit the hammer against that one, shattering the glass panel on the front.

Then he reached into his tunic and pulled out a cowbell. He began to play the cowbell, hitting it really hard. Eventually he stopped blinking and sat down. He looked towards the rest of the town.

"I need to find a place to stay."

_________________________________________________________

Jesus finds a place to live!

Jesus was bored, it was due to this boredom that he decided to find a house. He quickly surveyed the town before deciding that Rarity would be the easiest to take advantage of. So he walked up to her door and politely ripped it off of its hinges, then he threw it at pip. He ran up to Rarity while brandishing two shotguns.

"What's the best brand of root beer," Jesus asked.

"Bargs," replied Rarity.

Jesus fired both shotguns at the same time and blasted Rarity's head clean off.

Before he knew it Jesus was on another cross surrounded by angry ponies.

"Mug is best root beer," Jesus said, then he died. They all fucked.

The end.

ReawakeningZ!

Jesus awoke from his mighty slumber and surveyed his surroundings. He was in a cave of some sort. He noticed that the cave was completely dark. No matter, he'd simply use his Jesus Vision and then he'd be able to see perfectly. He activated his Jesus Vision and saw that the reason the cave was so dark was because there was an enormous boulder blocking the entrance.

Jesus scoffed, boulders, what did they mean to him? Nothing, he's motherfucking Jesus afterall. So he walked up to the boulder and looked in its eyes. In case you didn't know boulders don't have eyes.

"What country are you from?" inquired Jesus.

"What?" replied the boulder.

"What ain't no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in What?

"What?"

"English motherfucker. Do you speak it?"

"What?"

"Shut up," Jesus activated his Heaven Karate and kicked the boulder, shattering it into a pile of rubble. Sunlight poured into the cave and illuminated the entire thing. The light hurt Jesus's eyes so he reached into his pocket and pulled out his Divine Shades, a super secret brand of sunglasses that was so awesome it could break titanium. Just kidding, sunglasses can't do that.

Jesus decided that if he was still in Equestria then he was going to have to get sexy revenge on the ponies who killed him. He didn't even get a last meal, but that was probably because he kept threatening to eat the ponies themselves if they didn't release him. Deciding that it was their fault for liking the wrong brand of root beer, Jesus head out towards Ponyville, which he knew the exact location of, thanks to his totally radical JPS or Jesus Positioning System.

He arrived in Ponyville in record time, even if there wasn't really a record to break, and flew to Twilight Sparkle's house. Once there he politely knocked on the door and the ripped it off of its hinges.

"Jesus it's you!" yelled Twilight.

"Hello foolish unicorn," replied Jesus.

" Die monster! You don't belong in this world!"

" It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was called here by humans who wish to pay me tribute."

" Tribute!?! You steal men's souls and make them your slaves!"

" Perhaps the same could be said of all religions..."

" Your words are as empty as your soul! Ponykind ill needs a savior such as you!"

" What is a pony? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk... Have at you!"

Jesus dove at Twilight Sparkle, viciously punching her in the butt.

"Oh god he's breaking my butt!" screamed Twilight Sparkle," please don't break my butt!"

Jesus continued his anal assault, punching Twilight in the butt until she died of lung cancer.

Suddenly the wall of the library collapsed and a Red and Black alicorn appeared from the cloud of dust.

"Ultra Satan!" said Jesus in happy fear.

" Ah, Jesus. What is your business here?" said Ultra Satan.

" I've come to put an end to this."

" Still befriending mortals... I'll not ask you to return to our side, but I demand you cease your attack."

" I will not."

" You shall regret those words," Ultra Satan pulled out a super Katana, and Jesus in turn pulled out a Hyper Claymore. They were ready to begin the final battle.

____________________________________________________

He came back because he's Jesus.

Ultra Satan vs. Jesus

Ultra Satan charged Jesus, punching his skull into a splintery mess. Thankfully Jesus survived but then Ultra Satan threw 400 houses at him, crushing his solarplexus. Jesus got super pissed, turned green and threw up.

"Get off of this planet!" Jesus said.

"This is my planet now," replied Ultra Satan.

"Okay then you get off of this planet."

"Fine I will!"screamed Ultra Satan.
Then he left forever. The End.

Author's Note

I'm fucking sick of this story, it shall never return.