The Quest For Cabbage

by Divide

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 15629

Can you guess what happens when a troll is trapped in Equestria and put through every cliche?

One fantastic day, I was bored out of my skull. So, being a brony and all, I decided to try my hand at this new 'Equestrian MMO' game. Turns out, Discord is a troll and just decides to teleport me to Equestria 'cause he hates me. So now, cabbage! Of all the things I could have been charged with retrieving to get out of this hellhole, did it have to be bloody cabbage?! Why cabbage?! And why am I a freakin' pony, huh? Couldn't I have done this stupid quest while still being human? No? Too much to ask? Is it too much to ask to not be flung into the capital city through a goddamn game?! HUH? IS IT? Answer me!***********************A very silly story that will poke and prod at many of the cliches and funnies of the pony world. Don't take it too seriously.

Published 2012-10-19 06:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-29 23:58:24 UTC

Chapter Zero: The Almighty Prologue

The Quest For Cabbage

Zero: Prologue

Exhaling an agitated breath, I stared at my computer screen and the words that it held. More specifically, I scowled and glared as I stared at the tiny words on my computer screen.

Please insert your full name in the space below.

I absolutely abhorred typing my name on the magical span of the Internet for all to see. I didn't even have a freakin' Facebook account. Why did they need to know my name, anyways? Were they doing a goddamn survey?

The nerve of some companies. Ugh. Name. Name. What to put in...

I scratched the top of my short shorn hair and thought back to how the Xbox Live name randomizer worked. It was a verb followed by a noun, right?

Noticing an empty... almost empty... bottle of store-brand vodka on my computer desk, I quickly typed the first verb that came to mind.

Inebriated, I typed in.

Hmm. Not a bad start.

I eyed the clear glass container, pondering whether or not I should start this early. It was around noon on a Saturday, so...

Ah, what the hell? It's never too early to start drinking.

Placing the bottle back on my imitation-mahogany desk with a muted thud and wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I let out a contented sigh and wondered what noun would suit my inebriated alias the best.

I looked around my sparsely decorated bedroom. And when I mean 'sparsely decorated', I mean sparsely decorated. I could count every major thing I owned with two hands. Computer, desk, wardrobe, bed...

Actually, just one hand. But hey, at least it's all mine, even the apartment beneath, to the side of, and above my pathetic, one-handed list of owned items.

A couple of things caught my eye that would make an interesting moniker. A solitary, stinking, white sock lying on the corner of my desk, a half-eaten, stale can of Pringles, and a miniature figurine of a majestic walrus in mid-flight, leaping from the ocean waves with a serene grace matched only by two roided-up, sweaty wrestlers flinging themselves towards each other.

Don't ask where I got the sea-mammal. I don't remember.

Staring at each item in turn, I thought over how each of my possible pseudonyms would sound.

Inebriated Sock? I don't know, seems a little plain.

Inebriated Pringles? Bah, it'd probably be disallowed, since it was a brand.

Inebriated Walrus?

...

Yeah, that'll do.

I could just imagine aforementioned walrus figurine attempting its twirls and spins out of the water while absolutely smashed.

It was an interesting mental image, to say the least.

Just when I was about to type in 'Inebriated Walrus' and be done with the name selection, I caught a familiar-looking box out of the corner of my eye. A brilliant yellow background, the words written in crimson, cursive font...

An Eggo Waffle box.

Quite simply the greatest breakfast known to mankind, waffles have been feeding me since I moved into this apartment nigh-on two years ago. It seems that they were the gift that kept on giving...

Inebriated Waffle, I finished typing in. Pressing the 'Enter' key with a flourish I usually reserved for sending scything emails and messages, I leaned back into my faux-leather chair with a smug smile.

"Damn straight," I said, even though nobody was around to hear me. "There you have it. Inebriated Waffle. Best fucking name to ever grace the shitfest that is the world wide web."

Oh, be quiet. It's not as if you never talk to yourself while in the comfort of your own home...

I looked back at the computer screen, and what did I see? An insolent little buffering symbol staring at me. Go to hell, buffering symbol. Nobody likes you.

Finally, a green checkmark sporting a cheerful smile appeared and I was redirected to another page.

Welcome, Inebriated. What is your favourite colour?

My face contorted into a snarl.

Seriously, what the fuck? My favourite colour? What in the goddamn—what does that have to do with anything?!

Managing not to break my keyboard in half, I angrily typed in the best colour to suit my alias.

Golden Brown.

I figured that I might as well go with something that fit. After pressing 'Enter', another overly cheerful green checkmark appeared. I'm in no mood for your shenanigans, checkmark. Leave me in peace.

You chose 'Golden Brown' as your favourite colour. Is this correct?

Very annoyed face. This start-up screen was really getting on my nerves.

Yes, I typed in.

Are you sure? You will not be able to change your colour from 'Golden Brown' after you start.

By Celestia's nipples, this game was annoying the fuck out of me already.

Yes, you cockamamie, shit-dripping piece of anal leakage! I typed in, smirking as I hit 'Enter'. Let's see you process that, game.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that, the game replied. Did you mean, 'Yes'?

I calmly stood up and placed my hands underneath my desk. My face was the picture of tranquility as I lifted the desk a few centimetres off the ground before letting it drop again. I so very badly wanted to eject the disk and throw it out my window like a Frisbee, but I forced myself to remain calm and sit back down.

Silently fuming, I put my hands back on the mouse and keyboard. I couldn't believe that I was letting the stupid game get to me already. A few (read: my only) friends told me to play My Little Pony: The MMORPG. It was an enjoyable romp, they said. I wouldn't regret buying it, they said.

For starters, the name was absolute garbage. My Little Pony: The Massive Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game? Why not My Little Pony: Friendship Requires Actual Human Companionship, So Go Outside You Lazy Fuck? I think that's a much better title.

I hadn't even started playing the game, and it was already rustling my damn jimmies. Must be a new record.

Breathing deep, I typed in, Yes.

The response caught me off guard.

You have chosen 'Golden Brown' as your colour scheme and 'Inebriated Waffle' as your name. Generating character...

The fuck? It said your name, not your character's name. What a bunch of underhanded, conniving—

I paused and took a second to think this over.

Ha! I figured that everyone who followed the instructions would have generic, human names, and everyone who didn't would have the most unoriginal and obscenely over-the-top names like Shadow Flash or Knight Flare.

I could only imagine the dumbfounded looks that I would receive when I strolled by as Inebriated Waffle. My name was the epitome of class and sophistication compared to all of the alicorn Gary Stus that made up the majority of original characters.

I leaned back in my chair once more, whistling a few off-key notes while I waited for the bloody game to get started. Just as I was wondering if I had enough time to read another pony fiction while I waited, an overly cheerful tune was heard through the headphones around my neck. It sounded suspiciously like the tune from The Legend of Zelda whenever you got a item.

I squinted my eyes to look at the ridiculously long Terms of Service Agreement. Fifteen pages? How about 'No'.

I scrolled down with my cursor and clicked on the 'I Agree' button.

To me, it acted as the too long, didn't read button. They're the same thing, more or less. A popup window appeared as soon as I did.

You are about to start your adventure in Equestria. What race do you want to be?

It gave me a list and choices between being an earth pony, pegasus, unicorn, alicorn, diamond dog, gryphon, minotaur, changeling, or Pinkie Pie.

I read over the list twice just to be certain.

My first thought was wondering whether the creators of this game were high. Why would they include alicorn as a playable character? I mean, what in the actual fuck? Every dimwitted dipshit was going to pick it just so they could have the perfect character.

I pondered some of the other choices.

Being a changeling sounded... pretty damn neat, to be perfectly honest. It would be pretty damn sweet to see the inside of the changeling hive. I decided to be a changeling on a different playthrough, assuming the game wasn't complete rubbish.

My eyes flashed to the last species on the list before continuing.

Pinkie Pie? What—

Never mind. Never question Pinkie Pie.

Speaking of ponies, why would they even give the option to be an earth pony? Hurr durr, let's see: Should I be able to fly, cast magic, or neither?!

I didn't particularly want to live in a cave, so diamond dog was out. Did I want to be a half lion, half eagle? Actually... being the only meat eater would great wholesome fun for the whole family, but I seriously doubted that they'd allow killing in this game. And minotaur? Give me a fucking break. There was one, count it, one episode with a minotaur and they based a whole species after poor ol' Iron Will.

With every other race being excluded for one reason or another, I had narrowed the choice down between pegasus and unicorn. I was basically stuck between flying and walking on clouds or using all sorts of kick-ass magic.

I thought about this one for a while. I even pondered the idea of picking an alicorn just so I could do both, but decided against it. Even if I did it ironically, nobody likes OC alicorns. Nobody.

Fly.

Magic.

Fly.

Magic.

I hummed and hawed with the decision for a good while before I finally decided.

My decision was made when I glanced away from the computer screen and looked at the small, unobtrusive plushie of pre-season three finale Twilight Sparkle. It's okay, Twilight. I still believe that you don't have wings...

Unicorn, I typed in, my face determined.

You have chosen: Unicorn. Unicorns are ponies that are physically less imposing than the earth ponies, and do not have the endurance of the Pegasi. However, they can use magic. Is this the race you want to be?

Hell to the Yes, I responded.

While I admire your enthusiasm, it is quite unnecessary to curse so vulgarly. It is a children's game, after all.

I did a double-take. Where the heck did that come from? Before I could ponder who or what wrote the message, another generic text box flashed up at me, obscuring the mysterious one before it.

Where do you want your starting location to be: Ponyville, Canterlot, The Everfree Forest, Manehattan, Las Pegasus, Appleloosa, The Griffon Kingdom, The Minotaur Republic, or the Diamond Dog Wastes?

Blimey, I thought. So many bloody choices.

I looked over the names, trying to pick the one that would give me the most interesting playthrough.

For starters, fuck the Diamond Dog Wastes. Place sounded like a grade-A shithole. Actually, screw the Minotaur Republic and the Griffon Kingdom as well. None of those places were canon. Speaking of canon...

I fumbled around my desk until I found the game case. Surprisingly enough, the game was partnered with Hasbro, with a small little disclaimer that proudly announced that everything in the game was canon and adhering to Hasbro's trademarks and copywrites in regards to—

Blah. Blah. Blah. Once upon a time, I would've had faith, but not after they goofed season three beyond repair.

I squinted at the remaining names. Screw Appleloosa. I wasn't playing a muh-more-puh-guh to go and dick around in the Mild, Mild West. And Las Pegasus could blow me, too: I was going to be a unicorn anyway.

That left Ponyville, Canterlot, the Everfree Forest, and Manehattan to choose from.

Ponyville was just... too generic. I was sure that everypony would choose to spawn there with their overpowered-as-fuck black and red alicorns. Manehattan would be fun... big city, lots of people, hookers.

My eyes widened upon that realization.

Hookers!

I was about to feverishly click on Manehattan when I realized what the random, unknown comment from before had said. Damn. It was a children's game, after all. Which meant no hookers. Sad Waffle.

Grumbling to myself, I looked over the last two choices: The Everfree Forest and Canterlot.

I wanted to pick the Everfree Forest, but I've read of some nasty shit going on down there. Slendermane, demonic possession, etcetera. Just because it was a children's game didn't mean that people wouldn't troll the hell out of everyone else.

I eyed the last choice remaining. Canterlot. I couldn't think of anything bad in regards to the capital city, but I couldn't think of any good, either. Whatever. Still a better choice than generic Ponyville. I clicked on the name.

You have chosen: Canterlot. Canterlot is the capital of the equine empire. It's history goes back thousands of years. It is a bustling city of commerce and trade. It is also the where the Princesses of the Sun and Moon reside. Is this correct?

Yes. Bring on the snobby aristocrats!

Come now, they aren't all bad. Most are simply poor, misunderstood souls. Like me.

I wasn't too sure about the message. Something just felt off about it. Again, before I could do anything about the strange message, a much grander text box appeared on my screen, complete with golden edging and a trumpet blare.

Congratulations! You have chosen to be a Golden Brown coloured unicorn by the name of Inebriated Waffle. Your journey shall begin in Canterlot as soon as you click the 'ENTER' button!

It was about damn time. I eagerly clicked the enter button, and eagerly wished I hadn't not a second later.

My vision went dark as my pain receptors went into overdrive, shutting my body down for repairs. The last thing I heard before blacking out was a strangely familiar, warbling laugh that seemed to come from all directions.

I awoke to the same darkness that had consumed me previously. I tried to rub my aching head, but only managed to hit myself with a very hard, blunt object.

Considering my head was throbbing like an oncoming train already, the bonk on the head did nothing to alleviate my pain.

My head—and the rest of me, mind—was on fire. I managed to force my eyes open, but it didn't make a difference: It was pitch black either way.

Don't worry my dear, drunken, batter cake. Your quest will begin shortly.

Oh hell nah.

I recognized that voice; it had plagued my dreams and nightmares ever since the second season premier.

Discord.

Oh, so you do know who I am. Good. That'll make this oh-so-much more enjoyable.

I covered my ears in an attempt to shut out the god of chaos' voice. No dice. It was like he was speaking directly into my head.

That's because I am speaking directly into your head, young padawan.

Christ, his voice was like a P.A. system connected directly into my inner ear. Fuck.

"Why are you yelling?" I asked the darkness, already feeling a bit ridiculous in doing so. "I already feel like I have a hangover, thank you very much. You don't need to make it worse."

I swear that I heard affront in Discord's voice.

Oh, quiet you. Your troll—er—trip will begin shortly. I assure you: It will be quite the spectacle.

"Why?!" I exclaimed. I tried to raise my arms in defiance, but all I got for my trouble was another lump on the head when I fell backwards. "What the hell is going on here?!"

Personal amusement, for the most part. A small bet, for the remaining.

I took a second to mull this over, as there wasn't much more that I could do in whatever state I was in.

"Why me?" was the question I finally asked.

Why you? Good question, one that will have to wait to be answered. And no, you're not some prophesized saviour of Equestria or any silly thing like that. In fact, you're the complete opposite: Boring, vulgar, and just about every other trait that happens to be severely lacking here.

I could take not being some stupid, gallivant knight that runs in and saves the day. I could take being called vulgar. I could not, however, take being called boring!

"Who the hell do you think y—"

Question time is now over! Let the shenanigans... ensue!

"Hey, I still need answer—"

Toodles. For now.

I felt a great weight pressed over my eyes and a wet rag pressed over my mouth. I remembered too late what to do in a situation like this, and inhaled deeply.

Just putting it out there: Chloroform tastes like ass.

Chapter Pun: Much Ado About Cabbage

The Quest For Cabbage

Chapter Pun: Much Ado About Cabbage

I woke up in the middle of the street.

I mean, really? Really, Discord? The middle of the street? You couldn't even leave me in a bed or something? Couldn't even rent a hotel room and leave an apology note. Cheap bastard.

I heard that.

Oh shit. Uh, sorry.

Well, at least I can scratch 'get chloroformed' off of my bucket list.

I received no reply, so I figured I was hunky-dory. That was, until I tried to stand up. I wondered why my legs weren't responding to my commands. I looked down. At my hooves.

Are you fu—?

Real—?

...

Of all the bullshit scenarios, this had to be the most clichéd motherfucking thing to happen. What was next? Would I mysteriously get amnesia and grow wings?

Well, I couldn't go and make you into a fire-breathing parasprite hell-bent on world domination, now could I? That wouldn't be cliché enough.

You're a dick, Discord, you know that? You're a dick. Dick-cord.

Don't get all testy with me, he replied. I had to hand—hoof it to him there: That was pretty clever. You're the one who filled out the transformation forms, remember?

Oh deities above and below. No, anything but that!

I looked down at my perfectly golden brown chest. I flopped over onto my side and looked at where my cutie mark was imprinted onto my ass. Well, technically, it was my flank now, but to hell with it!

My cutie mark was an abomination: It should be taken out to pasture and shot. I mean, seriously? What the fuck was that even supposed to mean?

Don't look at me, you came up with the name.

I stared at my laughable cutie mark. It was a waffle leaning up against a pitcher of beer. How fucking appropriate.

I was at a loss for words.

Oh yes. There is one more thing I need to mention.

Go to hell. And while you're there, tell my step-mother that I hate her.

You need to find a cabbage to leave. Happy questing!

Wait, what?! A fucking cabbage? What does that have to do with anything?!

My question hung in the air and remained unanswered.

"Discord!" I screamed rather dramatically.

My overly dramatic death scream was interrupted when a blue coloured unicorn walked up to me and asked in a familiar voice, "Who are you yelling at?"

"You know, the god of chaos. And apparently cabbage. Nothing major. What do you want?"

The azure unicorn was obviously confused by my response. She—I could tell, don't ask how; blame the ponification—blinked several times, as if I was the crazy pony.

"What do you mean, what do I want? Why are you yelling and lying down in the middle of the street?"

I stroked my imaginary beard with my worse-than-useless hooves. "Well, you see... I have no idea why.

"Well, aside from somegod being a lazy fucknut," I continued, somewhat testily. Thankfully, Discord refrained from popping my eardrums by responding.

"Wh—I don't—What?!" stammered the unicorn with a look of sheer confusion plastered on her face.

I waved her question aside with the flick of my hoof. "You don't need to know. What I need to know, however, is how the hell I'm going to find some cabbage when I don't know how to even fucking walk."

If possible, this seemed to confuse her even more. "What? You don't know how to walk? And what does cabbage have to do with anything?"

"That's what I said! I've never seen anyone ever eat a bloody cabbage in Equestria, so where the heck am I going to find some?"

The blue unicorn opened her mouth to say something but seemed to decide against it. I didn't blame her. Sighing, she asked, "Are you drunk?"

I opened my mouth to make a witty comeback, but I ended up promptly closing it again. For all I knew, I was hallucinating this entire thing. Man, that headache was killing me. "Possibly... If anything, I feel like I have a hangover."

"That would explain why you don't know how you got here. You were probably up late partying last night, and slept through the day," explained the unicorn. "Except... that doesn't explain why nopony else stopped to help you..."

I snorted, something that was much easier to do as a pony. "I know exactly how I got here. What I don't know is how I'm going to go anywhere with no freaking leg control!"

The pony raised an eyebrow. "Don't you know any spells for that?"

Oh yeah. Right. The whole 'being a unicorn' thing. People always said I was a dickhead, so now I suppose having a phallic object attached to my skull made their insults rather accurate. The only problem was that I had no idea how to use my horn, nor whatever magic was stored within.

"No, no I don't know any spells for that," I replied.

Sighing, the pony asked, "What's your name? Maybe we can get some help from your relatives?"

I looked at my joke of a cutie mark with disdain. "I'll give you one hint towards my name: It's written on my ass."

The unicorn looked confused. Shocking, I know. Rolling my eyes, I clarified. "Look at my bloody cutie mark." The unicorn trotted over and observed my flank, which sounded a lot dirtier than it actually was.

"Is that a waffle and... a pitcher of beer? What does that have to do with your name?"

"Surprisingly, much more than you'd think. Being the dipshit that I am, I decided to name myself Inebriated Waffle." Seeing the look of pure befuddlement on her face, I added, "But you can call me Waffle."

"I don't—I can't—

"—What?!

I sighed. "Don't think about it overmuch."

Seeing the continued incoherent mumbling coming from the unicorn, I figured that I had broken the first pony I met with a few minutes of conversation. The sadistic part was that I kind of enjoyed it.

I coughed, attracting the unicorn's attention. "I don't mean to bother you, but could you help this Waffle up? I don't want to get all soggy..."

"Yeah... sure..." mumbled the unicorn as she telekinetically picked me up and placed me on my hooves.

Incredibly, as soon as I put my weight on all four of my hooves, I instantly knew how to walk.

You're welcome. That'll save you six or seven hours of faffing about.

Uh. Thanks... I think...

I looked around me, noticing that I was on a somewhat damp, side street. Ponies of all sorts and sizes walked down the main road, but none of them came down the street I was on. I turned my attention back to the pale blue unicorn. Something about her seemed familiar...

No. It couldn't be.

I imagined her with an egotistical attitude and wearing magician's apparel.

My god. It was her. The fandoms lied! She should be at Twilight's, kissing ass and trying to redeem herself!

"You're her, aren't you?" I asked quietly.

The question brought the blue unicorn out of her thoughts. "Who do you mean?" she asked suspiciously.

"I almost didn't recognize you without your apparel. You're the Great and Powerful Trixie Lulamoon."

A glint appeared in her eyes. "You recognize me?"

I looked at her pale cornflower blue mane and her brilliant azure coat. "Nah, I thought you were somepony else."

Another blank look appeared on her face.

I didn't think they would be this sarcasm impaired in real life.

"Yes, I recognize you," I said, gritting my teeth. "Why do you seem surprised?"

She shifted her hooves and her face grew red. "Ever since Twilight Sparkle," she said with vehemence, "made a foal out of me in Ponyville not once, but twice, every town I've gone to as the 'Great and Powerful Trixie' has shunned my presence. I had to hang my cloak up in shame."

She started crying, which I found to be not helpful towards my current predicament.

"I had to go through several months of psychiatric help to get me to stop referring to myself in third person," she sniffed. "After my ego was cured, I didn't have anywhere to go, so I decided to stay here in Canterlot. I've been here ever since."

Well fuck. There went any notion of this being a nice, straightforward, point-A-to-point-B affair. I wondered if all of the characters from the show were displayed in realism. Gosh, that was a scary thought.

"How long have you lived here in Canterlot?" I asked, trying to get some information.

Trixie briefly counted in her head. "Almost a year, including the time I spent getting help." In a quiet voice, she added, seemingly to herself, "Six months since Twilight became a princess."

Oh buck. Buck me sideways. What madness could have happened in a year? Inadvertently, I thought about how much damage Pinkie Pie could cause in a single day. Terrifying chills wracked my new body as I thought of the implications.

Not only that, but Twilight was an alicorn! Fuck!

I mentally counted to ten in a bid to calm myself. Slowly and deliberately, I asked, "Do you know where I can find a head of cabbage?"

"Why do you need cabbage? What good would that do? You seem to have some pretty severe problems..."

Because the god of Chaos and patron of all things illogical put me here and the only way to get out is by finding a fucking cabbage!

Instead of saying that and digging my shallow grave into a full-fledged pit, I answered, "Because I do. Don't ask. Seriously."

Shaking her head, Trixie said, "Alright, forget I asked... Waffle." She looked at me as I trotted around in a circle, marvelling at the ease of which I did so. "I thought you said you couldn't walk."

"I couldn't. I'm better now," I said, completely serious.

"But—Never mind." Trixie looked around before saying, "Look, I've got to get home. Do you need me to get someone for you? I can't just leave you in the middle of the street."

"Oh, don't worry," I began, "I intend to get the fuck outta Dodge as quickly as I possibly can." I raised a hoof to my chin in thought. "Before you go, would you mind telling me the time and date? My watch kind of... isn't here anymore."

"It's Tuesday, about an hour before sunset," Trixie said.

Well, would you look at that! I've been bamboozled by Discord, transmogrified into a pony, trapped in Equestria, and I even met a very different Trixie! Oh, and my name is Inebriated Waffle.

I double checked my list.

Yep, it must be Tuesday.

"Alright, thanks for everything, I guess. Have a jovial evening," I said to Trixie while walking towards the busy bustling street.

I heard her say goodbye. She said something else, but I wasn't in the mood for finding out what. I briskly trotted onto the main street and took a quick look around.

Let's see. Where was I going to find a cabbage? A food stall perhaps? What the heck do ponies eat here, anyway? I remember hay, oats, carrots, flowers, and... that's about it. I really freakin' hoped that there's more to eat than that here.

I looked at my cutie mark again.

Damn. Now I wanted a beer and some waffles. Maybe later. If there was a later.

Now...

Let's find some thrice-damned cabbage.

Chapter Too: Shenanigans

The Quest For Cabbage

Too: Shenanigans

Three hours. Three fucking hours of searching for cabbage.

I sat on a bench in the now-empty courtyard underneath the moon. It was more awkward sitting than Lyra made it out to be. I had gone through almost the entire city, meandering around rather aimlessly, looking for a clue to the whereabouts of the sneaky greens.

Discord, you are a complete asshat. Just throwing that out there.

Come now. You haven't even been here for a whole day yet! he said cheerfully, like he was rubbing it in. I couldn't in good conscience pick something that would be easy to find, now could I? That wouldn't be fun.

Again, I have to ask: Why me? Why not some other smuck that has better things to do? That sounds more your style.

Discord was silent for a short while. No particular reason, he finally said. Shouted, rather, but still. You had the right traits: an arrogant personality, almost no friends, a shoddy apartment—

Okay, you can stop now.

—a dysfunctional family, terrible in-laws, a low paying job—

For fuck's sake, stop! I know my life is shit, thank you very much. You don't have to remind me.

Sweet, blessed silence followed.

Alright. Can I ask a different question?

I don't know: Can you?

What are you, five?

Something like that. Just add a bunch of zeroes.

I pinched the bridge of my nose with a hoof. I had no idea how I managed to do that without giving myself a black eye, but I wasn't complaining.

So. Discord. Am I the only human here?

You could say that.

And would I be right in saying that?

I heard some grumbling from the god of chaos. Hah!

...Yes.

Fan-fucking-tastic. Oh, and please-oh-please tell me that I won't have to deal with any original characters, especially an O.C. alicorn or any other bullshit like that?

Correct. Actually, fun fact, I debated making you an alicorn for the pure fun of it, but decided against it. Even I know when something has been used too much.

Thank fucking Christ for that. So what am I supposed to do then? Find a cabbage? That's it?

For now, yes. Though I must say, your quest will feel a lot shorter if you troll people along the way. Like Trixie, for example.

I don't understand. How'd I troll Trixie?

Come on, don't tell me you're that oblivious to romance.

Wait, what? Romance? I don't know a single bloody thing about romance!

I felt Discord sigh.

You're a fairly descent looking unicorn who doesn't speak like he's from Equestria, and you're named Inebriated Waffle, for chaos' sake. Not to mention the fact that you were the only one to recognize her for almost a year. How do you think she feels about a mysterious pony knowing exactly who she was?

My eye started to twitch.

I don't fucking know! Why don't you tell me, oh troll-master.

Discord laughed. I saw a mental image of him stroking his magnificent half-beard.

Oh, you'll see. You most certainly see...

You know what? Fine. Be an information-holding asshat and don't tell me. See if I care. I'm going to go get wasted.

Have fun! Don't forget to say hi to the deejay for me!

I slid off of the bench and went in the direction of the nightclub I had spotted earlier while making my cabbage rounds. My headache still hadn't gone away. It was like I went drinking and missed out on all the fun parts.

I thought about that as I trotted along the cobblestone path. Maybe drinking alcohol would cure my hangover. There were certainly stranger things that have happened.

Fuck it; there was only one way to find out.

I arrived at the club some thirty-odd minutes later. I could feel the rumble of the bass fifteen feet from the entrance. As I walked up to the door, I was stopped by a burly earth pony wearing a pair of reflective sunglasses and a nametag that identified him as 'Brick'.

"Name and I.D., sir," Brick said while holding out a hoof, evidently waiting for something.

"My name is Inebriated Waffle and I don't have any identification. Where the fuck would I keep it anyway? Up my rectal cavity?" I retorted. I couldn't help myself.

The bouncer's face scrunched up in thought. I could see the gears in his head slowly turn as he processed each thought and deciphered each one of my words.

"Um... your name is Inebr—...Ineberiat—... Waffle?" he finally concluded. I had to hand—hoof, goddamnit!—it to the bouncer: He tried is darnedest.

"Sure, let's go with that. My name is Waffle. My fucking cutie mark is a waffle leaning on a mug of beer, not to mention the fact that I'm coloured like one." I motioned with one of my hooves to my perfectly golden brown coat, and my mane, which was maple syrup-coloured.

"Uh... I-uh..."

I shook my head and opened the entrance while the bouncer was still mentally occupied. I figured that at his current rate of processing information, I'd have at least half an hour before he realized that I snuck in without identification.

The nightclub was actually furnished rather nicely... for a rave. I was almost blinded by the cacophony of colours that flickered and wavered from the numerous spotlights and nearly deafened by the constant wub-wub of the voluminous beats from the music.

Christ. Raves here were almost as bad as the ones back home.

Squinting to adjust to the sudden brightness caused by the strobe lights, I stumbled my way towards the bar, the music vibrating my teeth. I shouldered my way through a group of dancing ponies, causing a few of them to fall on their haunches, dazed. Thankfully for me, they seemed to not realize exactly what was happening and continued swaying to the music on their rears.

In my blinded haze, I could've sworn that I saw a big, tall figure garbed in gold and purple armour at a table, playing poker with a bunch of stone-faced ponies. I didn't get a second look, as the crowd surged and pushed me through, causing me to land near the bar.

There were only three stools at the bar and two of them were already occupied. Well, one was occupied and the other was tossed aside to make room.

Naturally, I had to sit between them.

Grumbling to myself, I got to my hooves and squeezed in between the two drinkers. I ordered the strongest form of alcohol they had, which happened to be a clear drink that looked nigh-identical to vodka, only it was promised to be much stronger. After taking a sip, I confirmed that it did indeed taste like vodka, which was fine by me.

Unfortunately, I was unable to drink myself into a stupor in peace.

"I haven't seen you around here before. What's your name?" asked the pony on my left.

I turned my head, glaring at her for interrupting my first sip. She was a white unicorn, with a two-toned electric blue mane. Yet again, something struck me as familiar about her. Something about those sunglasses...

Aha!

"You can call me Waffle, DJ Pon-3," I replied, remembering who she was. I pronounced her name 'deejay pown three.'

She smiled, probably at the way I said her name. She scooted a tiny bit closer to me. "You're funny. I like that. Although, since I'm not actually DJ-ing right now, you can call me Vinyl Scratch."

I grunted an affirmative and continued drinking. I bent to take another sip of my alcoholic drink without hands or magic. It was really awkward. So awkward in fact, that the non-pony to my right decided to say as much.

"Haven't you ever drank something before?" she chirped.

I turned to my right and glared at her. "Shut up, Gilda."

The gryphon looked surprised, if not slightly affronted. "Do I know you?" she asked.

"No, but I know you," I replied, keeping my knowledge to myself.

"Oh yeah?" Gilda replied. "Who am I, then?"

"You are Gilda the Gryphon, once friend to the Element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash. Not sure what happened between you two at flight camp, but I'm not one to judge. You are extremely proud, overly antagonist of anyone who challenges you, arrogant in your ways, and probably ashamed of yourself after you were shunned from Ponyville."

I shut my mouth before I could say anything else. The look on Gilda's face was definitely not pissed beyond belief, nor was it directed towards me. Surely not.

Vinyl tapped me on the shoulder with a hoof and whispered, "You might want to not do that... she's a pretty mean drunk."

"A bit late on that warning," I commented offhandedly while preparing my body for being viciously raked and taloned. Hell, maybe she'd eat me.

"Who the hay do you think you are, pretending to know me?!" Gilda roared. And I mean roared, like a lion. "You have no idea what I've done or what I'm capable of!"

I thought about the episode that Gilda was in. I also thought about all the fanfictions about her. There weren't that many.

"I know exactly what you did. You threw away your best friend for no reason other than the fact that you were jealous. Which, if I had to guess, is why you're drinking your woes away. As for what you're capable of... fucked if I know. I don't know any gryphons."

The angry look that Gilda wore was replaced by sorrow and confusion. "How do you know about that? That happened... gosh. Almost two years ago." She sighed and took another swig of her drink.

I guess this wasn't the 'Oh woe is me, I'm so sorry for acting like a douche' Gilda. I had to admit: The characters I met so far were pretty much exactly how I'd imagine them after a year had passed. Hats off to you, Discord.

I don't wear hats.

Shaking Discord's voice out of my ears, I returned to my own drink. I spied out of the corner of my little eye Vinyl Scratch staring at me with something similar to... awe?

"What?" I asked.

"How did you know all of those things?" Vinyl whispered. "Gilda never talks about herself."

I shrugged. "Let's just say magic and leave it at that."

I figured that was a good explanation as any.

My conversation was interrupted by the griffin beside as she broke down into tears.

"I-I never... I never told her how much she meant to me," she sniffed. Gilda chugged the last of her drink, then waved over the bartender for a refill. "When I visited her in Ponyville, I thought that she would be the same... but no."

Gilda stared at the freshly refilled mug she held in one clawed paw. "I didn't realize it until later that she had changed for the better."

I had better things to do than listen to Gilda's sob story, no matter how heart-wrenching it was. Call me a bastard.

I padded down each of my forelegs with the opposite hoof. I make a tsk sound and said, "Sorry, Gilda, but it seems that I'm all out of fucks to give."

Gilda glared at me for a second, then clambered out of the club, mumbling to herself. I grabbed her untouched drink and slid it beside mine.

That's two characters broken so far.

Yeah, and both were a lot easier to break than they should've been. What gives?

I felt Discord shrug.

I didn't expect a more detailed response, so I returned to my drink once more. I thought I had the whole 'drinking without hands or magic' thing down, but my technique fell flat as soon as my alcoholic beverage dropped beneath half of the glass. I couldn't force my face any further in.

"You are a strange one," commented Vinyl Scratch as she watched me order a second mug when my first was still half full.

"So I've been told," I said as I started on my new mug. "I think of things as being half empty rather than half full."

Vinyl just shook her head, her mane shaking with her. "You are definitely a weird one."

I decided to change the topic of discussion. "So you work here? The last time I saw you was during the Royal Canterlot post-wedding party, spinning the turn-tables with Pinkie Pie."

She froze momentarily. "Y-Yes, I do work here. How do you know that? I don't remember seeing you at the after party."

"That's because I wasn't there," I said as I sipped my drink. I could feel my hangover going away with every sip.

Vodka! The new and improved hangover cure! It didn't make any sense whatsoever, but I'd take what I could get.

DJ Pon-3 narrowed her eyes at me. "Are you by any chance related to Pinkie Pie?"

"Fuck no. I don't want to be within a square mile of that psychopath."

"What did she do to you?" she asked.

"Nothing to me in particular, but to everypony as a whole. Think about all the things she's done, all the things that have no logical explanation whatsoever. Okay?"

Vinyl nodded, thinking.

"Alright, now count up all those things. How many have you counted?"

"A hundred and twenty eight. And those are just the things I've heard about," replied the DJ.

I nodded. "Now multiply that by ten thousand. That's how many things she's actually done, across all the universes and alternate dimensions. That's why I don't want to be anywhere near Pinkamena Diane Pie."

Vinyl shivered. I didn't blame her. "Alright, forget I asked."

We continued to drink in silence for several minutes, her downing shot glasses filled with some colourful liquid and me ordering a new drink whenever my face couldn't reach the liquid in the mug. I tried Gilda's drink, but it tasted like warm milk mixed with a cup of sugar. The silence was broken by my own curiosity.

"So if you work here, why aren't you DJ-ing?"

She smiled and said, "Well, technically I am. I put on a new record whenever it's my break time which gives me about an hour before I have to switch it."

"Hmm. Fair enough."

Another moment of silence passed before Vinyl asked, "So what brings you to this fine establishment, Waffle?"

"Cabbage," I muttered from inside my glass mug.

"Cabbage?"

"Yes, cabbage. Don't ask."

"Err, alrighty then." Vinyl eyed me as she drank another shot. "Uh, can I ask another question?"

"You just did. But sure, only if I'm allowed to ask you one after," I replied.

She nodded in agreement. "Why aren't you using your magic?"

"Because I don't know how," I replied.

"You don't know how to use magic?"

"That's what I said."

Vinyl Scratch was silent for a few seconds before shaking her head. "What's your question?" she asked.

I slurped up as much vodka-like substance as I could. "Pick up my tab for me? Thanks."

With that, I slid off the bar stool and trotted out of the club, leaving a confused deejay to pay for my drinks.

Chapter Tree: A Lesson In Stereotypes

The Quest For Cabbage

Chapter Tree: A Lesson In Stereotypes

I was meandering down the alleyway when I heard a very strange sound. It sounded like someone was humming... in Russian?

I stopped my trot and searched for the source of the noise. Strangely enough, my search led me to one of the many pipes that were laid against the stonework in the alleyway. The hum increased in volume until I could definitely and distinctly make out multiple voices. I didn't have a clue what they were saying, but I heard them.

"Singing... pipes?"

As I said that, an unearthly chuckle erupted from the same pipe.

"Laughing pipes? What the fuck?" I said as I leaned closer to inspect them.

Suddenly, my vision was filled with red and a shrill scream burrowed into my ears. I jolted backward in surprise, nearly knocking myself out on the brick wall behind me.

"Ahg! Screaming pipes!" I exclaimed as I scrambled to my feet and bolted down the remainder of the alleyway. I ran all the way to the walk-in entrance of Canterlot. I stood in the middle of the street, panting.

"That's not fucking funny, Discord," I said aloud.

I didn't do that. I have no idea what just happened. In fact, I think you were trolled by reality itself.

That's hardly fucking fair.

I looked at the walk-in entrance to Canterlot, confused. I thought the only way in was by train.

Three years ago, yes. A lot can happen in three years, my drunken breakfast.

So this Equestria is the realistic version of the one from the show, except set three years in the future?

Discord laughed. This is Equestria, Inebriated. The real one.

You're tickling my butthole with this useless fucking tail. I'm in the legit, original Equestria?

The one and only. Faust based her show off of this Equestria, except she made it suitable for ages three and up.

What?! How the fuck does that work?!

Lauren was my test subject. You're the second human I've sent here.

Well fuck me, now I feel important. So all I have to do is find a cabbage to leave Equestria, right? Not just Canterlot?

Correct.

I eyed the new entrance/exit.

"Well fuck this place then, I'm off to Ponyville."

T R A N S I T I O N

"Next time...I'm taking the fucking train," I said as Ponyville came into my sights.

I wondered when you were going to realize how long of a walk it was going to be. I gave up on you figuring it out by the third night.

"Shut...up...troll."

I continued to slog my way along the road towards Ponyville. For three days I walked, having nothing but Discord for company. While it may seem like an amusing time, I was thoroughly sick of the draconequis.

Hey, what's that?

Fuck off, I'm not falling for that again.

Fine then. Don't come crying to me when you're molested by her.

I looked up from my feet, wondering what Discord was talking about. There was a solid white line going straight across the path I was walking on and into the forest on both sides. Curious, I walked up to it, careful not to step over the line. There was a conveniently placed sign in the middle of the path, so I read it.

Warning to all newcomers to Ponyville:

Pinkamena Diane Pie, otherwise known as Pinkie Pie, lives here. Be warned that she has frequently broken the laws of physics and space-time on more than one occasion. If you cross this line, you assume all responsibility for any and all shenanigans she causes that directly pertains to you.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

I was wondering when they were going to put up that sign. Good on them.

Fan-fucking-tastic. I don't want to be within a square mile of her, but necessity has forced my hoof. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention: I think that replacing human anatomy metaphors and references with pony ones wouldn't actually work. Ergo, 'forcing my hoof' sounds like a sexual term.

I haven't thought about that before. You have a point, now that I think about it.

Grunting an affirmative, I braced myself for crossing the line. Goddamit, I don't want to do this.

Then don't. Nobody's forcing you.

You cut that shit out. I searched every single goddamn farm and establishment from here to Canterlot for one cabbage, one cabbage, without any luck. You probably just poofed them all away or turned them into lettuce or something, didn't you? If that's not forcing me onward, I don't know what is.

Have you ever thought that perhaps you enjoy trolling the denizens of Equestria?

Yes, I have thought that. I do, to some extent, but I would still much rather be back home, as a human.

Discord didn't respond, so I sighed and placed my hoof over the white line, expecting Pinkie Pie to appear out of nowhere and ruin my already ruined day.

Of course, that's exactly what happened.

Before I had even taken my second step over the line, a pink blur came launching out of Ponyville and down the path I was on, road-runner style.

And three... two... one...

"Hi there! I'm Pinkie Pie and you must be new here!" said Pinkie Pie before she was even within hearing distance, breaking yet another law of physics.

"I know exactly who you are, please leave me alone," I responded, feeling a headache already start to form.

Pinkie Pie looked at me with a confused expression on her face. "Are you saying you don't want me to throw you a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party?"

"No, no I don't. I don't want anything to do with you or your antics. Please go away."

"Um... Okay. Have a nice day anyway!" she said as she bounced along the road back to Ponyville.

My jaw dropped. "What the fuck was that?!" I yelled.

What? Were you expecting something different?

Yes, I was expecting her to either abduct me and grind me into cupcakes, cause a nuclear fallout to occur, somehow transport me into yet another universe where everypony is gender swapped, transform me into a giant lactating nipple, or break the fourth fucking wall.

You sound disappointed.

Well no shit. In fact, I was counting on her breaking the fourth wall. Fuck, she should've eviscerated the fourth wall and turned it into a breeding ground for miniature velociraptors.

That gives me an idea...

Quiet, you. I'm getting to the bottom of this.

With that, I slogged my way into Ponyville.

Chapter For: Exasperation and Indecorous Language

The Quest For Cabbage

Chapter For: Exasperation and Indecorous Language

The space that Pinkie cleared in a matter of seconds took me almost an hour of walking at a steady pace, but I finally made it to the bloody town. I took a quick look around. Nothing seemed out of order and nothing looked like it had changed from what I remembered Ponyville looked like.

Why does it look exactly the same? Shouldn't there be at least something different?

You would think so, but no. Miraculously, all the problems that befall this town magically solve themselves.

Shaking my head, I headed for the one pony that could sympathize with my predicament. I spotted her in the center square of Ponyville, so I trotted up to her.

"Hello, Lyra."

The aquamarine unicorn seemed puzzled by me. "Oh, hello! Do I know you?"

"I doubt it. Actually, I was hoping that you knew about my species. Does the term 'human' mean anything to you?" I said, hoping for her to bow down to my human-ness and treat me like a God.

That's rather shallow and pedantic of you.

What? That's what all the fics say about her personality, right? That she has an obsession with humans?

"Uh, no. I don't know what a 'human' is. Is this some sort of joke?" asked Lyra Heartstrings.

"That's fucking bullshit! Where the fuck do these authors get their goddamn ideas from?! Wasn't the whole obsession thing based on how she sat on a fucking bench in one goddamn episode?!" I yelled, not at anyone in particular.

"You're starting to scare me... Please get away from me," Lyra said as she backed away slowly from me.

Grumbling to myself, I went in the direction of the library. Maybe Twilight can magically conjure me up a cabbage. Or, better yet, she can teach me how to use my own goddamn magic.

I stopped abruptly at my statement. My God, that is so fucking cliché. 'Go ask Twilight for help with magic, I'm sure she doesn't have anything better to do'. Isn't that what every amnesiac motherfucking unicorn does when they first appear in Equestria? Go ask Twilight for help?

Well, not every single one, but the majority, yes.

Where do the ones who don't mooch off of Twilight go?

Why don't you think before asking me such questions. You know the answer.

I realized I did know.

Fluttershy's. Of course. But if everything else seems to be exaggerated, surely her kindness is too?

You are not prepared for the absolute purity of her kindness. She was the only one who could actually affect me any meaningful way.

Oh yeah. How's being reformed working out for you?

It doesn't.

Ah. I guess I should've seen that one coming.

I looked up at the pointy horn coming out of my head. A fat load of help it was. Its only use so far was as a can opener.

I continued on towards the Books and Branches Library, home of Twilight Sparkle. I felt a strange sense of unease as I approached.

Why am I feeling this way? Twilight's my favourite pony since she's just so adorkable!

Pushing my unease away, I trotted up to the door and... hoofed on the door.

See? Just like that, 'knocked' makes sense while 'hoofed' is just confusing. It sounds like I freakin' kicked the door rather than tapped lightly on it.

Getting no response from the patron of trolls, I waited for the door to open.

...And waited...

...And waited...

Just as I was about to damn the consequences and kick the bloody door down, it was opened by Spike.

He yawned and said, "What do you want? It's Saturday and the library's closed."

Goddamit.

"Actually, I was looking for Twilight Sparkle. Is she around?" I asked as politely as I could.

Another yawn from the baby dragon. "Do you live under a rock or something? Twilight's a princess now. She lives in Canterlot."

"Of course. Of fucking course. I only walked for three fucking days without rest just so shit like this could happen!"

"Are you okay, buddy?" asked Spike. "You don't look so good..."

"Tell me about it! Tell me all about how fucking terrible I look. You know why I look like this?! BECAUSE I WALKED FOR THREE CHRIST-FORSAKEN DAYS ALL THE WAY FROM FUCKING CANTERLOT!" I yelled as I stormed away angrily.

I know that you're behind this, Discord!

I'm not even going to claim my innocence, because you would somehow warp it around in that brain of yours that because I'm responsible for bringing you here, I'm also responsible for all the truly poor judgement calls you've made. Like not going to the Royal Castle immediately.

Fucking fuck-fuck.

I trudged onward to the cottage of the other pony that could possibly help me. Unfortunately, as I was beginning to learn, nothing was going as expected.

"Hey you! The golden-coated unicorn!" yelled someone behind me.

"I got no time for this shit, go away," I said without turning around. The pony did not go away, however. I heard the sound of hooves trot up behind me.

"Why were you so mean to my friend?" asked a female pony. I already knew who it was.

"Go away, Bon-Bon. This doesn't concern you."

She put a hoof on my shoulder, causing me to stop. "It does so concern me! You march back over there and apologize to Lyra for acting so rude! She didn't do anything wrong!"

FUCK.

I turned around and glowered at the beige mare. "Look deep into my eyes. Does it look like I give a fuck?"

Bon-Bon took a few involuntary steps backward. "I... don't know what that is."

For fuck's sake...

"It's a noun, verb, adjective, and conjunction all wrapped up in one word. The use and overuse of fuck in the everyday speech of many people has led, to some extent, to a lessening of its impact as an expletive. It is generally used as a derogative or an exclamation, or in other cases 'to fuck' means to have sexual intercourse with."

I wish I could have taken a picture of Bon Bon's face at that moment. It held equal amounts of terror, confusion, and curiosity. She blinked several times and then turned around and walked back in the direction of Lyra without a backward glance or spoken word.

Wow. That's another pony broken. I'm on a goddamn roll. Hope your keeping score, Discord.

Mentally patting myself on the back, I continued on the path to Fluttershy's cottage. On my walk there, I spied the greyish-amber coated earth pony that was Doctor Whooves. I wondered how many of the adventures that had been written about him were in any way valid.

His name isn't Doctor Whooves, you know.

Really? I thought that he was essentially the same guy from the Doctor Who series, hence the awful name pun.

Actually, his name is Time Turner. It's amazing what random and arbitrary connections some authors make. I believe he's simply a watch smith.

Alright, now I have to check that.

I walked up to him and asked, "Are you The Doctor?"

He gave me an odd look. "My name is Time Turner and I own Ponyville's watch shop. Why? Do I look like a doctor to you?"

"Goddamn it. Some goddamn consistency would be nice!" I said as I walked away from Turner and towards Fluttershy's cottage.

After I had gone, Time Turner looked around before whispering under his breath, "Note to self: watch out for that one. I think he knows..."

Chapter Phive: Another Lesson In Stereotypes

The Quest For Cabbage

Chapter Phive: Another Lesson In Stereotypes

I arrived at Fluttershy's cottage at the beginning of the Everfree Forest.

Well, here we are.

Yes.

Here we are. At Fluttershy's cottage.

Yes, we have already established that in the first sentence. Are you feeling okay?

Here we are, at Fluttershy's cottage where I am going to knock on her door and ask her for some cabbage, nothing else.

Why do I get the feeling that you aren't confident in your own plan?

I stared at the door. I don't know if I'll be able to control myself. She's so freakin' adorable in the cartoon. What if she's even more so in this realism Equestria?

Only one way to find out. Don't waffle out on me now.

I could practically feel the glee coming off of Discord. Tentatively, I brought one hoof up and gently knocked on the door. A few seconds later, the door opened up a crack and two blue eyes peered out at me.

"Umm, yes?" she asked in her adorably quiet voice.

Collecting myself, I cleared my throat and prepared to present my speech. "G-good day, Miss Fluttershy, I-I was w-w-wondering if I could..." I started to say, but was unable to continue any more.

The door opened a bit more as Fluttershy tried to get a closer look at me.

"Are you okay? You look like you haven't got any rest in three days..."

Looks can be deceiving, but in this case they're pretty spot on, the logical part of me thought as the rest of me was occupied.

"I-I was w-wondering if I could...if I c-could..." I tried to say again, but failed miserably.

"Oh you poor thing! You're delirious! Here, come inside and I'll fix you up," said Fluttershy as she grabbed my hoof, pulling me inside.

Called it.

I just want it put on the record that I tried to resist. I really did. Unfortunately, this happened.

As she pulled me inside, I bent down and reached around her small frame with my forelegs, pulling her into an embrace. "D'aaaaaaawwwwwwww!"

I'm not sure how long I held Fluttershy for, but my hug was only stopped when Fluttershy coughed very quietly and asked, "Umm, can you please let go of me now? I mean, if that's okay with you..."

I awkwardly disentangled myself from the adorable pegasus, mumbling, "Sorry," as I did so. Fluttershy dragged me over to her couch and told me to wait there for her as she disappeared into what I assumed was the kitchen. Her hair wasn't enough to hide the blush on her face.

So THAT'S what you meant. I assumed you meant something far different when you said 'control yourself'.

Shut up, Discord. I couldn't help it. She's even more adorable in person...err, pony. That's another thing I don't get. Humans don't refer to themselves the same way that the ponies do. We don't say 'everyhuman' or 'anyhuman', so why do they?

Well, for starters, your race is far more divided than that of the ponies of Equestria. Perhaps if your race was as united as them, more synonymous terms may arise, such as the ones you mentioned.

I nodded. After I nodded, I frowned. After I frowned, I scowled. Aren't you the cause of that, Discord? You're the God of Chaos, aren't you?

I could tell that Discord was a bit miffed at my last statement.

Just because I'm the God of Chaos doesn't make me inherently evil. Chaos is just another word for fun, in my book.

Naturally. Of course, in your book, clouds rain chocolate milk and glassware is a form of drink.

Point taken. However, I am not the source of the human race's division. Strife is.

Strife?

The God of Conflict.

My jaw dropped. Apparently, Discord could sense that.

Don't act so surprised. Did you honestly think that I was the only one of the Old Gods to have escaped from his prison?

If my jaw could drop any lower, it would.

OLD GODS?! There are more assholes like you out there?!

With language like that, I guess you don't want me to tell you.

Damnit, I didn't mean that! You know I was just kidding!

Unfortunately, I couldn't coax any more conversation out of the embodiment of chaos.

"All over some fucking cabbage," I muttered under my breath to myself. Well, at least I thought it was to myself. I wasn't aware of the small, menacing creature sneaking up on me.

While I was pondering on how to go about asking Fluttershy for a cabbage, I was assaulted by a furious white blur. It had struck me on the face multiple times before I could exclaim my displeasure.

"Gah! Fuck! Get off me!" I said as I tried to swat the demon-spawn away with my hooves without knowing who it was. My flailing hooves did more harm than good, however, as I only managed to give myself a black eye.

Finally, the onslaught ended. Out of my good eye, I looked for the vicious creature that had abused me so. I spotted the little hell-raiser out of my good eye, standing on a chair in front of me. I narrowed my eye and glared at him.

"Fuck you, Angel."

The small white bunny glared back at me, chewing on a carrot as he did. He pointed to his eyes, then at me, as if to say, I'm watching you.

I'm watching you too, you insolent little fuck, I thought as I dragged my hoof across my throat. I wasn't sure how well the motion translated, but it seemed to get the point across to the furry little devil. He glared at me once more, then jumped down from his perch and ran off to god-knew-where.

Thankfully, nothing else tried to slaughter me while I waited for Fluttershy to return. I had some time on my hooves, so I decided to attempt to persuade Discord into talking again.

Discord...come out, come out, wherever you are...

Still receiving no response, I decided to try something drastic.

Don't make me say it, Discord. You know you won't be able to resist...

With still no response, I shrugged and said aloud, "Suit yourself." I thought of the brief jingle in my head. Apparently, no cartoon character could resist it...

Shave and a hair-cut... I thought as I played the corresponding musical notes in my head. I thought I felt something from Discord, so I tried again.

Shave and a hair-cut...

Unnnngh.

C'mon, draconequis, you know you can't resist. Shave and a hair-cut...-

TWO BITS!

I couldn't help myself. The sheer ridiculousness of what I had just accomplished made me burst out in laughter.

Oh ha-ha. You think you're soo clever, don't you?

Yes. Yes I do, I mentally replied as I tried to stifle my giggles.

Fine. You want to know about Strife, do you? He's a jerk. There.

What? Just a jerk? That's all?

He's much more than just a jerk, Waffle. He's a complete and total buzzkill. While I am all for a bit of chaos here and there, it is all in good jest. I, at least, make people laugh with what I do. Strife? He causes conflict for no other reason than to watch people hurt each other.

...I take it you don't like him very much.

What gave it away? Yes, I despise Strife and all that he represents. I'm glad he was banished to your realm. No offense to you, of course.

What?! He was banished to Earth?

More or less. He's the reason that you humans are constantly in conflict with each other. If it weren't for him, you humans would have put aside your differences hundreds, if not thousands, of years ago.

It took a few seconds for this information to process. So...we've been fucked over?

Pretty much.

That's fucking bullshit! If he was banished to Earth, then it had to have been done by someone...

My expression became even more bemused than normal.

...or someponies with enough power to do so. Did they really fuck us humans over that badly?

I underestimated your skills at connecting the dots. As far as I know, yes.

TROLLESTIA!

Chapter Sicks: Intoxication

The Quest For Cabbage

Chapter Sicks: Intoxication

Goddamn it! Trollestia strikes again!

While I do wholeheartedly approve of your newfound loathe for Celestia, I don't believe that she or her sister were the ones to banish Strife to your world.

Oh really? Then who did?!

Discord laughed. You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Besides, I think your adorable little friend is coming back.

I tilted one of my ears towards the kitchen. Sure enough, I heard the light clip-clop of hooves getting closer.

This isn't over, Discord. I WILL find out who banished Strife to my world, even if it's the last thing I do here!

The last thing you should do here would be finding a cabbage, no?

You know what I mean!

Discord once again fell silent as Fluttershy walked out of the kitchen. She was holding a cup of something with her mouth, somehow not spilling it. Fluttershy set the cup of liquid on the low coffee table in front of me.

"Drink this. It'll make you feel better, I promise," she said softly before she looked up at my maimed face. "O-oh my! What happened to you!" exclaimed Fluttershy.

I grumbled under my breath, "Angel happened to me..."

Somehow, Fluttershy's voice grew even quieter. "Oh you poor thing! You stay right there: I'll go grab my first aid kit."

Sighing, I looked down at the cup and the liquid that it held. I looked back and forth between my fore-hooves and the cup. What I wouldn't do to have my hands back. These freakin' things are useless. How the hell are we non-magical ponies supposed to manage? I looked up at the horn on my head. Great. I'm so fuckin' tired that I'm making irrelevant complaints. Wonder what's in the cup...

Sighing, I leaned forward and grabbed the cup with my teeth, being careful not to crack the porcelain. Moving slow and steadily, I managed to not dump the entire thing on myself as I leaned back against the couch, cup in mouth.

Great. Now, how am I supposed to drink this?

I tried to balance the cup in-between my two front hooves, but that didn't work. I tried all sorts of awkward positions and stupid ideas before Discord took pity on me.

For crying out loud, just tilt your head back with the cup in your teeth and the liquid will fall down your throat.

I stopped what I was doing and sat back up, cup in my teeth. Wow. I can't believe I didn't think of that myself.

I tilted my head back and felt the warm liquid pour down my throat. I drank it all in one gulp, then put it back on its saucer, smacking my lips as I did so. Definitely tea of some sort. Tastes strange, though...

I felt Discord laughing hysterically. What's so funny, trollmaster? I asked.

Oh my. This is going to be GOOD! I definitely chose the right human this time!

I felt that something either very bad would happen to me, or that something very funny would happen, at my expense. I don't like where this is going...

My thoughts were interrupted when Fluttershy came back carrying a red first aid kit. "Uh, Fluttershy? What was in-" I started to ask, but was silenced.

"Shh shh shh..." cooed the yellow Pegasus as she started to dab something on my face. "Fluttershy will take care of you. Just close your eyes and rest..."

I yawned. "You know...I do feel awfully tired all of the sudden..."

I tried to keep my eyes open, but they wouldn't listen to my commands

"I guess I can...cabbage...later..." I muttered as I fell unconscious.

T R A N S I T I O N

I awoke to a blinding headache. "Oh God, my head," I said as I cradled my aching cranium. I cracked open one eye and chanced a look around, my vision blurry and disoriented. I saw enough to tell me that I was still in Fluttershy's cottage, albeit in a different room. I was in a small bed in what looked to be the guest room.

Discord? You there buddy? I thought miserably.

Need you even ask? Of course I'm here. You are my main source of entertainment, after all. Well, not for the last forty-six hours you weren't, but that's beside the point.

I sat bolt upright, my head screaming at me. Forty-six hours?! I've been asleep for almost two whole days?! How the hell did that happen?!

I hear Discord snicker. Why don't you ask your timid little friend, Waffle? I'm sure she has an inkling on what the cause was...

Out of the one eye that was open, everything that I looked at was hazy. I couldn't see anything out of my other eye...

That's because there's a bandage over your other eye. Angel did a number on the right side of your face. Your own feeble attempts at retaliation only furthered the damage done.

Ughhh. I feel...abnormal. What was in that tea?

Discord only laughed.

I tried to get out of the bed, but one of my hooves had caught on the blanket, causing me to face-plant on the wooden floor.

"Ow," I groaned as I picked myself off of the floor. I tried to regain my balance, but I was wobbling so badly that I had to sit down on the floor. Alright, Waffle. You just need to focus on keeping your balance and you'll be fine. Somehow, my own advice didn't feel all that helpful.

I slowly stood up, balancing my weight more or less equally amongst my four movement appendages. I was drifting side to side slightly, but I had my equilibrium back.

"Alright. One step at a time..." I said as I took a tentatively step towards the door.

"Put your best hoof forward..." I said as I took another.

"A journey starts with a single step..." I continued as I took yet another step.

I stopped my motivational phrases. "What am I even saying?" I asked myself as I continued to take slow, ponderous steps toward the door.

After an eternity of stepping, I finally made it to the door. I looked behind me to see how far I had made it, sure that the bed had to be hundreds of feet behind me. The bed was only five steps away.

I looked at the door, then at the bed and back again, several times. What the fuck is going on? I asked myself as I pushed the door with my hoof. The door didn't budge. I glared at the door. It didn't respond, so I pushed it again. The door displayed a profound lack of movement.

"Alright, door. Why don't you and me go outside and settle our differences like men?" I asked angrily.

The door gave me the silent treatment.

"Tough guy, huh? Fine, have it your way!" I said as I swung one of my hooves at the door. Unfortunately for me, this was also the same hoof that was keeping me balanced. I tumbled over and smacked my head on the door frame, jarring my vision even more.

I groaned as I held my agonizingly tormented head. "Okay door," I whimpered. "You win. I surrender. Now can I please go outside?"

The door didn't reply, so I assumed everything was cool between us. "'our 'ot 'alf 'ad, 'oor," I commented as I pulled doorknob with my mouth. The door confirmed his chill status by letting me outside and into the hallway. "See ya later, man," I said as I stumbled down the hallway.

I kept bumping into the walls as I flolloped (fuh-LOL-uped) down the hallway. It didn't bother me overmuch: I knew that the jellyfish that lived within the walls wouldn't mind. I made it out of the hallway alive, so I looked to my left. I saw the living room that had once occupied me. I looked to my right and saw the kitchen.

"I am getting kind of hungry..." I said to myself. "I'm sure Fluttershy won't mind if I grab an teensy-weensy snack. Or two. Or twelve."

Licking my lips, I trundled into the kitchen, putting my quest for cabbage aside for the moment.

This can only end well.

Author's Note: Yep. Waffle's high as a kite. If anypony out there has any stupid/ridiculous/outlandish/troll-filled things for Waffle to do or say during his mind-fuck, please let me know either in the comments section below or via a PM.

Extra Note: The next chapter will take slightly longer than usual, on account of me being lazy and asking you guys for ideas. However, it will be extra-long to make up for this.

Chapter Sleven: I DON'T EVEN

Don't Sue Me Note: This story was created for the sake of entertainment purposes only, as I do not endorse the use of drugs or alcohol. Any comparisons to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any quotes and references that have been stolen from much more popular people, media, or books is not.

The Quest For Cabbage

Chapter Sleven: I DON'T EVEN

Animal crackers, gummy bears, ginge-

"YES! GINGER SNAPS!" I exclaimed triumphantly as I held the bag of cookies over my head.

"Dun-nuh-nuh-nah!"

I brought my treasure trove over to Fluttershy's couch and flopped onto it, then I opened the bag of ginger snaps and started to chow down.

"Oh sweet apple bottom jeans, these are good." My mind started to wander and ponder philosophical questions as I continued to devour the cookies, one after the other. Why are they called ginger snaps? They don't have orange hair, nor are they pale. And why is it called Final Fantasy if there's 14 and a half of them? And why is everything different in Soviet Russia?

Fluttershy opened the front door which caused my train of thought to crash and careen off of a cliff. "Aww. I liked that train," I mumbled. Fluttershy's eyes widened in astonishment when she looked at me. "Oh hi, Fluttershy," I said. "Do you want a ginger snap? Apparently, nine out of ten nipples agree that ginger snaps are the greatest relief to relaxing stressed apricots. They're also yummy."

"Oh...oh dear," squeaked Fluttershy. "I knew this was a bad idea from the start."

"Really? I thought that nuclear fission was a great idea. Well, until it made Chuck Norris think that we were replacing him as the world's largest producer of roundhouse kicks. And that's where squirrels come from!" I replied seriously.

Fluttershy ran over and snatched the bag of ginger snaps from my hands. "Hey!" I exclaimed. "I was eating those ginger snaps!"

"Those aren't ginger snaps," said Fluttershy bashfully. "Those are my special cookies."

"I know ginger snaps are special, that's why they were the first baked goods to go into space."

"Oh no...how many have you eaten?" asked Fluttershy.

I counted on my hooves. "One, one, one, one, one...five. I had five ginger snaps....should I have asked first?"

"Yes, you should have!" squeaked Fluttershy.

"Sorry, Flustershy, I was reeeeally hungry and I saw the cookies and...well, that's pretty much all she wrote. Say, have you met Discord?"

What are you doing? Do you really want the ponies to think you're even crazier than you already are?

"Hey...shut up."

Fluttershy coughed, with brought my attention back to her. "Umm, who are you talking too?"

"Why, only the Patron of Trolls and the God of Madness himself, Sheogorath!" I exclaimed triumphantly.

I felt Discord facepalm...faceclaw? Wrong god, Waffle.

"Oops. I mean, the Apron of Moles and the Dog of Chaos himself, Discord! He's my invisible friend. You guys have met, right?"

Fluttershy looked at me in pure, unadulterated horror. "D-D-Discord? You are in...contact with Discord?!"

I nodded happily. "Sure am. Say hello, Discord!"

Even if I wanted to, which I don't, I can't talk to anyone but you right now. Yes, you're that special.

Fluttershy looked at me like I was losing my marbles. Actually, where were those marbles..? "Discord's just being shy. You know how gods can be." I looked around and realized that my source of food was now cut off. "Well, it's been fun Flutters, but I think I'll be taking my leave. Toodles!"

With that, I left her house without a backwards glance. I then proceeded to troll about Ponyville. If I remember correctly, I think it went something like this:

Well, at least that's how it felt for me.

I'm not quite sure what happened after that. I woke up in a dark room, and I noticed that my legs were hogtied together. I managed to flop myself over onto my side, so I could actually get a picture of where I was, as I had been on my back. The room was a dull grey colour, but the floor felt so soft. I couldn't see any windows or doors.

I looked around, the realization slowly dawning upon me: I was in an asylum. The padded walls and floor, the neutral colours, the hogtying instead of a straitjacket...everything added up. For once, I wished that I couldn't add.

Discord?

No response. I thought I heard a snigger, but that could've been me imagining things.

Apparently my awakening had been monitored, as I heard a scraping noise come from behind me. I weakly flopped around to look at whomever had entered my room of insanity.

Standing there regally in her royal attire was Celestia herself. Her hair flowed in an imaginary wind as she stared down upon me. I couldn't help but notice how sharp her ornamental...hoofshoes(?) looked.

"Well?" she said in a calm voice. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"That depends: do you like bananas?" I responded tiredly.

My response obviously confused the Goddess of the Sun, as she frowned and looked at me wearily. "What type of fruit that appeals to me is off no meaning. I will ask you again: do you have anything to say for yourself?"

"Sure, why not. What I do this time?"

Out of nowhere, a list poofed into existence in front of Celestia where it was held by her magic. Inhaling, Princess Celestia started reading off a truly terrifying list of things. "Let's see here: You ran through out Ponyville screaming 'Trololol'. You taught Fluttershy's birds to sing incredibly inappropriate limericks. You went to Sugarcube Corner and ate every single thing inside, then spent the next five minutes licking the roof and complaining that the gingerbread was stale. You somehow convinced a group of ponies to play something you called 'Twister' which, by the end of the game, required three buckets of butter and a team of fireponies to untangle everypony. You started digging a hole in the middle of Ponyville claiming that you'll, 'dig to China, there's no ponies in China'..."

Taking another deep breath, Celestia continued, much to my extended horror.

"You managed to break into Carousel Boutique, steal a green wig, white powder, and red lipstick. You then engaged in a philosophical debate with Time Turner, while wearing aforementioned makeup and the wig, over the pros and cons of a world populated entirely by hedge-clippers. When you lost the debate, you screamed at him to, 'go fix the Dalek and trundle on back to Britishland'. After that, you ran into the Evertree Forest, then immediately ran back out after Angel, Fluttershy's pet rabbit, chased after you. You were screaming, 'Begone, Satan!', while you galloped back into Ponyville."

As Celestia paused again to take yet another breath, I thought, I am so fucked.

"You then broke into my student's home, raided her laboratory, then spent the next hour making some sort of machine. From all of the reports I received, it was seemingly capable of creating anything that you told it to make."

"I find that hard to believe. If it could make cabbage, I wouldn't be here," I interjected.

After raising an eyebrow, Celestia continued. "Strangely enough, after you realized that it couldn't create, 'the one thing I need to get out of here', you ended up pushing it up to the Ponyville cliffs and then threw it off declaring the machine, 'a complete and utter failure.' Needless to say, when my student found out, she was not pleased. It took my own intervention to stop her from, 'extrapolating the data from his brain on how to make that machine whether he approves or not!'"

I'll admit: you are, by far, the most entertaining person I've ever had the pleasure of watching for an extended period of time.

I'm fucked. "I'm fucked, aren't I?"

Celestia cocked her head at me. "What do you mean?"

"Quit fucking with me, Trollestia. YOU are the one that fucked me and everyone else over, not I. Why, if it weren't for you..."

"I don't like your tone."

"Bitch, please."

Celestia's gave me a death stare. "What did you call me?!"

I cleared my throat, as I obviously hadn't enunciated clearly enough. "I called you a bitch. Also, from this angle, I suggest that you stop eating cake: you're getting a bit pudgy around the edges."

The Princess of the Sun's eye twitched sporadically. I knew what was coming, and I just couldn't help myself.

"TO THE MOOOOON!" I yelled triumphantly before my reality warped and bent. In an instant, I found myself lying in a small crater on the moon. It was cold.

You just don't know when to quit, do you?

"Nope."

Author's Note

Dear Reader: I'm sorry.

Chapter ∞: To Infinity and Beyond!

The Quest for Cabbage

Chapter ∞: To Infinity and Beyond!

"...How the hell am I not dead?"

That's an easy one: you're not on the moon.

I looked to my left. Light grey landscape dotted with craters.

I looked to my right. Light grey landscape dotted with craters and couple of my circular hoofprints.

"It certainly looks like the moon."

If you were on the actual moon, unless you were accidently teleported into Luna's Biosphere, you'd simultaneously freeze and burn all the while being unable to breath.

"...Wait, what? Biosphere?!"

Therefore, continued Discord, ignoring my question, you can't possibly be on the moon. If I had to guess, you're probably locked away in a room, standing on a prop. Celestia is many things, but a cold-hearted killer isn't one of them.

Prop, eh? I thought. Might as well test your theory...

I started pawing at the ground, digging down into the dust. When I had unearthed approximately an inch and a half of dust, my hoof went clonk.

"Hell-o, what have we here?" I asked to nopony in particular as I moved more and more dust aside. When I had roughly a square foot of uncovered space, I bent my knees and tried to get a closer look. "Looks like you were right, Senõr Chaos. As far as I know, the moon doesn't suddenly become metal an inch down."

Of all the things you could've tested, you chose that? Really?

"Don't get snippety with me, mister. You're the reason I'm in this bloody universe in the first place."

Why didn't you, I don't know, look at the paper mâché Sun hanging from a piece of rope?

I looked up and realized that, yes, there was a paper mâché sun hanging from a piece of rope only a couple of feet from my head. "Huh. Not sure how I missed that. Anyway, how are we supposed to get out of here?"

Bucked if I know.

"Well, if this isn't real, than it's only a matter of time before-"

I felt my reality twist and bend yet again, and I found myself standing in a room full of angry-looking ponies. "...I'm teleported back into a room full of angry ponies," I finished as I beheld my situation.

Well, you're on your own. I'm going to grab some popcorn and a chocolate milk of glass.

Sure, sure, leave me to fend for myself why don't you. Freakin' coward.

"So YOU are the one that-" Somepony started to say, but everypony else decided that they needed to add to my non-existent shame.

"-Broke into my store!"

"-Poked holes into mah apple trees!"

"-Tried to eat my roof! Only I'm allowed to do that!"

"-Stole my laboratory equipment and made possibly the greatest invention in the history of ponykind and squandered it!"

"-Started that game of Twister. That was awesome!"

All of the ponies except for me wore a confused look and stared at the speaker of the last sentence.

"What?" asked Rainbow Dash. "I thought it was fun!"

If I had fingers, I would've pinched the bridge of my nose. "Please, does somepony, anypony have any cabbage? Even a small one would do..."

"What does cabbage have to do with anything?!"

"A lot more than you'd think, surprisingly," I replied without even looking at who was speaking. "I'll ask again: does anypony have any cabbage I can have? I'm sure it would be mutually beneficial if I returned home as quickly as possible."

"What do you mean, 'return home'? How would cabbage help you get home?" asked my most favouritest pony, Twilight Sparkle.

This isn't fair, I complained. This could've been a fun and knowledgeable trip, but it ended up being a chaotic fucking mess. Even the ponies that I wanted to meet are royally pissed at me.

Did you really expect something different from Discord, the God of Chaos?

I was hoping that your dickishness was over exaggerated. I guess I was wrong.

That's hardly fair; it's my nature to bring chaos and pandemonium to everyone. You, however, have no excuse. You didn't have to act as my emissary of anarchy; you chose to. The greatest thing that all of you people, ponies included, have is free will. The only goal that you had was to find a cabbage: everything else was allowed. Heck, you didn't even have to find the cabbage. You could've stayed in Equestria for the rest of your days. The point is: you have the freedom of choice. I don't.

I was both shocked and intrigued at Discord's rant. You...don't have free will? You, the God of Chaos, the troller of trolls, do not have free will? You're forced to do this?!

Yes. While I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it, sometimes you just want a break, y'know? I thought that my banishment as a stone statue would at least give me some relaxation, but nooo.

"Hell-oo? Equestria to gold unicorn?"

I shook my head, dispelling my niggling thoughts. "Sorry. Having someone else to talk to in your head sometimes makes other conversations difficult."

"What?!"

I sighed and sat down on my haunches. It wasn't quite the same as crossing my legs, but it'd have to do. "Let me tell you a story..."

T R A N S I T I O N

"...And here I am," I finished, my throat sore recounting the entirety of my trolling tale.

There had been numerous questions throughout my storytelling, but by the end, all of the ponies just sat and stared at me with various looks of dumbfounded confusion plastered onto their faces.

"Any more questions?" I asked.

Nopony moved or spoke.

"Good. Well, if that's that then, I'll be continuing on my retarded quest for cabbage," I stated as I stood up, preparing to leave the room and wander around until I found an exit.

"He's an absolute loony," said one of the ponies now behind me. "Princess Celestia, we have an asylum for people like him, don't we?"

"I can hear you, you know," I said, miffed not at the fact that they thought I was crazy, but that they thought I couldn't hear them.

"We do, my most faithful student. I suspect, however, that 'Inebriated Waffle' is telling the truth. Or at least, part of the truth," replied the Princess of the Sun.

"Gee, thanks," I replied sarcastically. "How about you, I don't know, give me a goddamn cabbage and we'll see who's crazy, hmm? If I disappear, I'm completely and totally sane while you are absolutely fucking bonkers. If I'm still standing here like an asshat, holding onto a cabbage with a stupid look on my face, then I'm insane and you fine ladies can do whatever the hell you want with me."

After thinking about the last part of my paragraph, I decided to clarify. "And by 'do whatever the hell you want with me', I don't mean sex. I'll stick with fucking members of my own species, thank you very much."

Celestia looked like she wanted to say something, but instead she shook her head, seemingly deciding against it. A bright swirling light erupted from her horn (gross) and a ball of magical, white light started to conjure directly in front of me. From the epicentre of the swirling vortex, something both magnificent and terrifying was called into being before my very eyes...

A cabbage.

I gingerly reached a single hoof towards the one thing that would return me to whence I came. I couldn't help myself as I did so, however.

"There are grown men that masturbate to each and every one of you!" I called jovially before I felt myself whisked away into blackness once again.

T R A N S I T I O N

I awoke once more to complete and utter darkness. It wasn't just any old darkness, either. It was...advanced darkness.

"Discord?"

Yes, Waffle?

"Where the hell am I?"

You're in the purgatory between Universes. I can't just teleport you willy-nilly back to your own dimension: you have to get cached like everybody else.

I didn't even bother asking what being 'cached' meant. "So my quest for cabbage is done? I'm going home now?"

Yes. Your Quest has come to an end: I keep my word when I give it. You just have to wait for that little progress bar to finish, and then you'll be back home in your dirty apartment.

"Hey...alright, yeah, it's pretty dirty. So I am going to get my mind wiped like in Men In Black?"

Discord made a 'Pff!' sound. Why bother? No one will believe you if you told them. 'I went to Equestria! Honest!' Sure, good luck with that. Only tens of thousands of other people have stories similar to yours.

"But...but mine's true!"

And how are you going to prove it?

"...Point taken." I looked above me. Or it could've been beneath me. Hard to tell directions in absolute darkness. The progress bar was nearing its full capacity. "I guess this is goodbye then, Discord."

Indeed.

"I'll be the first to admit it: that was probably the most fun I've had in a while. Good luck in all of your future endeavours in trolling."

Oh, I will. Have fun writing your story.

"How did you-?"

Goodbye, Inebriated Waffle.

T R A N S I T I O N

I woke up in my leather gaming chair. All of my limbs and appendages were of the proper paleness and species. I really hope that wasn't an overly complicated dream.

I checked my alarm clock on the side of my desk. 12:34pm. My eyes were drawn to the computer screen. More specifically, to error message that was displayed in the center.

UNEXPECTED ERROR: 1N3BR1A73D.W4FFL3.discord.exe is missing. Shutdown imminent.

I smiled. I had confirmation that my very strange adventure in Equestria wasn't some extremely vivid hallucination.

I clicked 'Cancel' on the error message and went to a fresh Microsoft Word Document. We'll see who believes me and who doesn't, Discord, I thought as I began typing.

Author's Note

Aaaaand done!