An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

by psp7master

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 21978

It isn't strange to wake up on a remote island, with no idea how you got there, right?.. Right?..

18+
Vinyl and Octavia have been good friends for a long time. Being roommates, they've had their share of arguments and misunderstandings, but they have overcome. Now that Vinyl has two tickets for a "totally awesome cruise", Octavia just cannot turn down the offer. Too bad that such events are usually connected with free alcohol and, well, Vinyl's attitude towards alcohol leaves much to be desired.
So, it's totally not strange to wake up on a remote island in the middle of nowhere, with no idea as to how they got there, right?

/Oh, look, a Vinyl/Tavi story! Again! Rated T for future shipping.

Cover art by Limrei can be found here

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-07 17:56:46 UTC

1. And That's Why You Don't Trust Your Friends

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter One

And That's Why You Don't Trust Your Friends

***

"Free booze!"

Octavia facehoofed as she watched her unicorn friend down the fifth (sixth? seventh?) shot at the bar counter, much to the displeasure of the bartender, who shook his head and went back to cleaning the glasses. The cruise had been nice so far, if a few hours could actually define the entire experience. Vinyl had been so eager about the whole affair that the cellist just couldn't refuse. After all, when was the last time she got out with her best friend and roommate?

"Do remind, Vinyl, why have you decided to drink yourself to oblivion this time?" the grey mare wondered, shaking her head, taking a sip of wine, which, to her satisfaction, was rather admirable.

"Huh?" the DJ cocked her eyebrow. "Which of the two words you don't understand, Tavi - free or booze?" she asked, downing another shot.

"All right, I see, I see." Octavia waved her hooves in the air, while the poor bartender sighed and poured another shot of whisky for the white unicorn, who happily nodded.

"Chin-chin!" Vinyl exlaimed and swallowed the liquid in one single gulp. "Aaaah, nothing better than the ol' good Scoltish stuff." She wiped her mouth with a hoof, making Octavia frown and put on a scolding expression. "Here, Tavi, try it!" The DJ extended a hoof with the "ol' good stuff" and waved it before the cellist's muzzle.

"Vinyl, I do not think that drinking whisky would-" she began, but was cut short by the white unicorn, who suddenly shushed her and placed her hoof next to her ear.

"Wait a minute, Tavi. Is it clucking I hear?" she asked, fires of mockery already dancing in her red eyes.

"What do you-"

"Oh, that's right! You are clucking!" Vinyl exclaimed and chuckled. "I sometimes forget you're a chicken, who's afraid to try anything harder than wine or apple cider."

"I am not a-" Octavia started once more, but Vinyl already began to move about in circles, putting on her best chicken expression.

"Cluck cluck cluck cluck~"

Octavia groaned and grabbed the glass in determination. "It. Is. On."

***

Hangovers weren't the most pleasant experience a pony could face, and Octavia knew it well. In fact, life had proved otherwise. To put it simply, they were evil minions of the darkest force there was in Equestria. Probably even worse that all those red-maned black alicorns that, for some reason, could be seen much more frequently these days than they used to be. As Octavia woke up, her head splitting in two parts, which then broke down into a million tiny shards, she immediately swore it was the last time Vinyl had ever dragged her into something like this. And not the 'last last' or 'totally last' time, she mentally added, reminiscing all the times she'd broken the aforementioned oath. Just... the 'ultimately last' time.

The cellist tried to get up, but something prevented her from doing so. In fact, that something was a particular white lump, which only slightly resembled a pony, lying on top of her, snoring so loudly that if there were any windows around, they would probably be broken beyond repair.

Now that she thought about it, Octavia suddenly realised the lack of windows, as well as any other signs of civilisation around her. Her weary eyes drifted about, noticing nothing but sand, and a palm... A palm tree? What's it doing on a ship? An unpleasant shadow of suspicion crawled into her mind, making her throw Vinyl off her unceremoniously.

"Ow, Tavi... What's that for?" the unicorn mumbled, her mouth dry, her head aching. Well, good morning, headache. Long time no see, hangover! she greeted her weekly companions and began drifting into sleep again. She would have totally succeeded, given her fatigue and current condition, but an ear-piercing shriek interrupted her blissful state and led to a rather annoying and quite sudden awakening. When she raised her head, the unicorn could see her friend jumping all about the place, crying out something indistinct, though, it definitely included something along the lines of "bucking island" and "strangle Vinyl".

While the latter concept wasn't entirely unfamiliar to her (Well, we have shared our hoofful of arguments, after all), the former struck her as novel.

"Tavi, what are you-" she began, wincing from the pain.

"We're on a bucking island!" Octavia yelled, pointing her hoof at nowhere in particular. And, in fact, they were in the middle of nowhere indeed. To be exact, they were on a tiny island in the middle of the ocean, its bland sandy structure somewhat topped by a single palm tree.

"Oh." Vinyl rubbed her chin thoughtfully, looking around. "You know, I have this feeling we're not in Coltsas anymore..."

Vengeance came swfitly, and the punishing blow from Octavia's hoof was enough to make the white unicorn sober at once. I need to tell Tavi to hit me like that on Monday mornings... she mused, massaging her jaw, while the grey mare kept looking around and started screaming for help.

Vinyl sat on her haunches and enjoyed the panorama of Octavia's plot as the cellist frantically ran round and about, yelling and waving her hooves in the air, as if somepony could see or hear them on an uninhabited island.

If only I had a drink somewhere... Vinyl sighed and leaned back, preparing a witty remark concerning Octavia's rear, when her hoof suddenly touched something... something very familiar... bottle-shaped... rum!

Grabbing the object in her telekinetic grip, she saw it to be a bottle of rum - a finest, beautiful, alluring and most gripping bottle of rum she'd ever seen.

"Rum!" the DJ exclaimed happily, opening the bottle.

Upon hearing this, Octavia stopped her attempts at seeking help and turned round, only to see Vinyl happily holding a bottle of rum, a smile on her face.

Alcohol. Even. Here. Even. Now. She has the time to drink!! The grey mare's eye twitched and she moved towards Vinyl ever so slowly, her eyes sharper than ninja ponies' blades, her hooves of steel and her heart aflame.

"Give. It. To. Me," the cellist hissed and extended her hoof.

Vinyl giggled like a foal and handed the bottle to Octavia. "Sure, Tavi, didn't know you liked- Tavi, what are you doing?!"

Octavia raised the bottle above her head, determined to put an end to it as she prepared to break glass into millions of pieces.

"No, Tavi!" Vinyl's magic enveloped the grey hoof with the bottle, holding it in place. "Please, don't do it! Not the rum! Take my life, but save the rum!" she pleaded, looking into the unicorn's eyes.

Octavia sighed and put the bottle down. What shall we do?..

"You're run down, Tavi," Vinyl said sympathetically. "There's not much we can do now."

The two mares sat in silence as Vinyl took a few gulps, feeling significantly better.

"Want some?" she carefully addressed Octavia, not to trigger another outburst.

"Why would I-" Why not? One gulp can't hurt, Octavia, she told herself and shrugged. "Well, maybe a little sip..."

2. What Shall We Do With a Drunken Pony?

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Two

What Shall We Do With a Drunken Pony?

***

"What shall we do with a drunken sailor~" Octavia sang, her head light as a feather, the world around her bright and colourful.

"What shall we do with a drunken sailor~" Vinyl took up the melody, grabbing the grey mare by the waist and dragging her into a drunk dance, stepping on her hooves occasionally.

"What shall we do with a drunken sailor~" The cellist took another gulp of rum and waved her hoof with the bottle in it.

"Early in the morning~" both mares finished in unison, Octavia's voice hitting perfect pitch, despite her drunken state, while Vinyl ended on a rather plain, but more stable note.

Compelling to the laws of physics, Vinyl fell on top of Octavia, pinning her to the ground, grinning widely, hiccuping both in reality and her mind. I... *hic* love... *hic* Just as this idea began to form some kind of structure in her mind, her thinking process was interrupted by a sudden feeling in the area that naturally included her left ear. In particular, it was the feeling of a pony's teeth chewing on her ear.

Vinyl blushed hotly. While she would never admit it even to herself (at least when she was sober; which, now, she was not), she liked Octavia. Like... liked. More than she liked her friends. Maybe even more than she liked rum... No, that would be silly, Vinyl concluded. And now, as the grey mare kept nibbling on her ear, she could easily die from embarrassment.

Octavia was hungry. Very, very hungry. Moreover, she was drunk. Very, very drunk. She could barely understand what was happening around her, but right now all that mattered was something tasty in her mouth, something... ear?!

The cellist's eyes widened in realisation and she spat Vinyl's ear, spitting all around, trying to get rid of the taste by brushing her tongue with a hoof. Ew, gross! I just chewed on Vinyl's ear! She spat one last time and turned her head towards the white mare, who, for some reason (which may or may not have been connected with her being more than slightly inebriated), snapped out of her initial confusion and was now rolling on the sand, laughing, tears streaming from her eyes.

"You... *hic* pony...  eater, Tavi!" the DJ exclaimed, wiping a tear off her eye. Suddenly, Octavia found herself laughing as well, joining the white unicorn on the warm sand.

Vinyl's hoof reached the bottle and lifted it in the air. What the... Unfortunately, the rum was gone; and, with it, the last hope of safety and ultimate tranquillity, according to the DJ's drunken mind.

"No!" She rolled over and placed the empty bottle on the sand, kneeling over it. "Please... *hic* Dear God of Rum... *hic* Fill this bottle for... *hic* your sinful children of Equestria!" Vinyl raised her hooves in the air in a desperate, albeit drunken, prayer.

"Vinyl!" Octavia exclaimed, fighting laughter; needless to say, this attempt was in vain, for the battle had been lost before it even began. "Stop this blasphemy!" She decided to scold the unicorn some more, but a loud noise coming from her stomach interrupted her thoughtful tirade. "And get us some food!" she demanded, unable to take into consideration the fact that both of them were in no condition to get on their hooves and stand for five seconds without falling down, not to mention actually do anything that demands at least a little bit of coordination. I'm sooo hungry... Octavia mused with a deep sigh.

"I could make... *hic* tortoise soup, if you want..." Vinyl mumbled, falling on her back, her eyelids closing automatically.

"Turtle soup, Vinyl," the cellist corrected her friend, frowning. Please, don't tell me you don't know even *that*, Vinyl...

Vinyl groaned and tried to push the grey mare, her hoof planting directly into the hot sand. Ow. Missed 'er! "Who gives a buck?" she asked in what seemed to her a philosophical tone, but, in fact, was a blubbering slightly resembling normal pony speech.

"I do," Octavia retorted, her condition telling her that it wasn't time for arguing, but her conscious part immediately reminded her that it was always time to argue with Vinyl, given the opportunity. "You see, we're on an island, so there are only turtles here," she began, actually surprised to hear such complicated phrases coming from her mouth. Of course my mental ability was by no means hindered by a little bit... a couple of... half a bottle of rum!

"D'you wanna eat or not?" Vinyl asked, getting to her hooves, leaning against the ever so conveniently placed palm tree. Thanks, God of Rum, for putting this palm here! she directed her thoughts towards the sky, unsure whether the God of Rum lived in pony heaven or the Island of Coltba.

Octavia nodded with a frown, and that gesture sealed the deal. The two mares pondered for a moment, their minds capitulating before such a difficult task as turtle-catching.

"So... How do we do it?" the cellist wondered, getting up, immediately supporting her unsteady stance by leaning against the palm-tree-saviour.

Vinyl manoeuvred round the tree, taking small, but steady steps. Finally, her horn lit up and she snatched a branch, which disspated from the palm tree with an unpleasant crack. Her head embraced the pain with wide open hooves as she tried to direct her magic in another direction, while trying not to drop the branch.

"Tavi, could you... *hic!*" Damn you, hiccups! You drive me to embarrassment! "Gimme a hair of yours?" She staggered towards the mare, placing her front hooves on the grey back, balancing against the earth pony.

"What?!" Octavia exclaimed in shock. Of all the strange things Vinyl has ever come up with, this is probably the strangest... the grey pony thought and shifted, having no desire to part with even one of her precious hair. But then again, she *did** try to launch a hedgehog from a toaster...*

"Come on, Tavi!" Vinyl tapped her hoof against Octavia's spine, eliciting an oof from the cellist. "I need it to make a... *hic* fishing rod!" she explained, gesticulating fervently, almost falling down.

Octavia pondered for a moment. Well, I *am** hungry, and we do need a fishing rod...* She sighed and shut her eyes tight, jerking a single hair of hers, wincing from the pain, and handed it to Vinyl.

"Here, you destroyer of beauty," she grunted, rubbing her head.

"I prefer Filler of empty stomaches," Vintyl replied, working her magic.

Octavia sighed and closer her eyes. It was going to be a long, long day.

3. A Day Under the Sun, A Night Under the Stars

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Three

A Day Under the Sun, A Night Under the Stars

***

"Are you done yet?" Octavia whined, hours of waiting making her sober and anxious. Her hunger hadn't dissipated by this point; on the contrary, it was even more intense now.

"No, Tavi," Vinyl replied, sitting next to the grey mare by the shore, holding the hoof-made fishing rod in her telekinetic grip. If she asks me one more time... She groaned mentally, the headache gone, but her mood slightly lowered by the fact that she was getting hungry. And while this feeling could usually be suppressed by drinking just the right amount of alcohol, the rum was gone. For Vinyl, it meant that their entire existence depended on her ability to catch a turtle (or a tortoise... whatever!) or a fish. Alas, her skills in the field of fishing were far from supreme.

"Vinyl, if you don't catch anything, I'm going to eat you," Octavia said sternly, crossing her hooves.

Vinyl grinned. "Well, I know I'm pretty hot, but you can save your desires for later." She tossed her friend a wink, making the earth pony groan and roll her eyes.

"Vinyl, stop  being a foal. I said eat, and not eat out," Octavia retorted, eyeing the endless ocean. If it really is *that** endless, why can't we catch a single fish?!*

"I didn't mean it." Vinyl waved her hoof in the air. "You implied it."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Now who's acting like a foal?" Vinyl asked triumphantly.

"You are!"

"Am not!"

"Totally are!"

The argument would have lasted for hours, were it not for the fact that Vinyl suddenly felt something tug at the end of the string. "It took the bait!" the DJ exclaimed, channeling her magical power to battle the forceful fish (Turtle? Tortoise?) that had all chances to become their dinner. Or supper, given the fact that the sun was already setting, galloping towards the horizon at full speed.

"Vinyl, we don't have a bait!" Octavia replied automatically, only by sheer force of habit, for her stomach was already screaming at the perspective of having some actual food and not half a litre of rum. Though, I must admit, the rum was pretty good...

"I got it!" Vinyl yelled, her magical grip now in possession of a struglling fish. "It's a bass!" she screamed in sudden realisation, noticing the features of the sea creature. Oh my gosh, shall I...

"Don't ever think about-" Octavia began, but it was already too late: Vinyl's DJ insticts were kicking in, and at full speed at it.

"DROP IT!" Vinyl shouted on top of her lungs, and dropped the fish into the ocean, the lucky bass regaining freedom with a splash. "AWW YEAH!" the unicorn took off her shades, grinning widely. "That was awesome, Tavi, right?! ...Tavi?"

Octavia's eye twitched, then the other one joined in the action, sending her eyelids into a fervent neurotic dance. Must... strangle... the punny pony...

With a roar that would make a primeval gorilla envious, the cellist jumped on top of the white mare, pinning her to the ground, grabbing her by the neck. Vinyl tried to resist, but that motion only sent their entwined bodies rolling towards the palm tree, which stopped them with a powerful hit, supported by an audible smack.

Suddenly, somthing fell onto Octavia's head, driving her out of the murderous stance. "A date?.." she said in disbelief, eyeing the fruit that had just hit her, noticing many such fruit resting upon the palm tree. Of course! Palm trees have dates! she thought, her attitude softening as she realised that there was at least some kind of food on this Celestia-forsaken island.

"Huh?" Vinyl blinked. What does she mean?.. "Tavi, I'm flattered and stuff, but you were just trying to kill me and now you're asking me out? I mean, sure, I am hot, but-"

"A date, you idiot!" Octavia facehoofed and showed the fruit to her friend, biting into it immediately afterwards.

"Oh, that kind of date!.." Vinyl exclaimed, not without a hint of disappointment. Well, at least now we have something to eat...

***

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Octavia said dreamingly, her stomach filled with dates, her eyes half-closed.

"The fruit?" Vinyl asked, chewing into the remains of her dinner.

"The sky," the cellist replied simply, prompting the unicorn to look up.

And the sky was beautiful indeed. Miriads of stars were covering the majestic dome, glittering and winking at the two mares, who now sat in silence, taking in the scenery. Octavia lay her head on Vinyl's shoulder, a gesture to which the white unicorn blushed. Sure, she wasn't new to such situations, but... something felt slightly different from all the times Octavia and she had spent side by side. It was rather... romantic? The DJ's blush grew even deeper. Don't say anything stupid, Vinyl, just don't say anything stupid...

"Not as beautiful as you," the words escaped the white mare's lips, her brain not entirely taking in what she had just said. Amazing, Vinyl. Waaay to ruin the moment, she scolded herself, afraid of what implications the cellist's mind had drawn.

Octavia blushed. That was so nice of Vinyl... Wait. Was she... *flirting** with me?..* For some reason, even though the situation felt rather awkward, something in the earth pony's mind (or heart?..) told her it was right.

"Thank you, Vinyl," Octavia replied, a slight bush covering her cheeks. "You are beautiful too."

4. It Takes Two to Tango... or Something

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Four

It Takes Two to Tango... or Something

***

"Mmm... Vinyl, lower..."

The white mare opened her eyes, sudden sunlight blinding her for a moment, and rubbed them to regain her vision.

"Vinyl, you playful mare..."

Vinyl blinked. Her senses were telling her that the voice was coming from the grey mare next to her, the one and only, "Snooty-pants" Octavia; but her mind was telling her that it was pretty impossible for the grey mare to say such things.

"Now lick me there~"

Okay, Vinyl mused, now that was plainly creepy. Rather hot, sure, but still creepy. Octavia speaking in her sleep? Creepy enough as it is. Octavia speaking in her sleep and dreaming about her? 20 percent creepier. Octavia speaking in her sleep and dreaming about having sex with her? That would definitely break the creepy-o-metre.

To tell the truth, Vinyl was rather embarrassed at the whole situation: to be completely honest with herself, she did feel some kind of attraction towards the grey cellist, the way she acted, the way she spoke, the way she tossed her mane as she trotted away, her hot flanks- Creepy-o-metre, Vinyl, the DJ reminded herself. You don't want to break it.

So, the unicorn decided on the safest course of action: calling upon her ninja-pony powers, or, at least what she wanted to believe to be ninja-pony powers, she gently nudged her friend, who snorted loudly and rolled over, now lying face to face with the DJ.

"Mmhm, Vinyl, harder," the grey mare whispered and yawned, the blanket of sleep slowly falling from her, bringing her back to Equestria - or, to be more precise, to the Celestia-forsaken island. Her eyes shot wide open as she realised how close she was lying to Vinyl, her muzzle an inch away from the unicorn's. She sat up, rubbing her eyes.

"Why did you wake me up?" she asked, her sleepy mind still tossing images of her dream into the bin that had been given the privilege to be called her consciousness. Oh, my... She remember what exactly the dream contained, and her face turned a deep shade of red. I can't believe I was dreaming about Vinyl... and in such a manner at it...

"Because you were being creepy," Vinyl responded, hiding her own embarrassment behind a yawn and a usual morning stretch. Aaaah, that's better... "I mean, sure, I'm hot, but that's not a reason to moan, Vinyl, lick me here, Vinyl lick me there in your sleep," she elaborated, waving a hoof in the air in fake idleness.

"I did... what?!" Octavia blinked, her face blushing to such a state that it would win the Annual Tomato Competition hooves-down.

"Exactly," Vinyl replied, getting up and jumping, shaking the last remnants of sleep off. "I mean, I'm totally into friends with benefits and that stuff-"

"Vinyl!" Octavia practically roared, jumping to her hooves. "You are forgetting yourself!"

"Nah." The DJ shrugged. "I'm not. Name's Vinyl Scratch, occupation - DJ, current address - some shithole in the middle of-"

Vengeance came swiftly as the striking hoof sent the white pony stumbling backwards, rubbing her chin.

Octavia exhaled, regaining her tranquillity.

"Worth it..." Vinyl mumbled, rubbing her chin.

"Oh shut up!" the cellist exclaimed, tossing an angry look at her DJ friend. She looked around and sighed. "You could be more useful if you found a way for us to at least kill some time, given we're stuck here."

Vinyl grinned widely and crawled towards the grey mare in a sensual way, licking her lips, and whispered into Octavia's ear, "I think I may know a way..."

***

"Truth or Dare?"

Vinyl groaned and facehoofed. "Dare. But you know, Tavi, if you choose something silly again-" she began.

"I dare you to stand on your hind legs and shout," Octavia cleared her throat. "Beethoofen is the greatest musician that has ever lived!" A smug grin played upon her lips.

Vinyl gasped. "You... You... That's not true!" she exclaimed, waving her hooves in the air protectively. "Scoltrex is way better, and-"

"So you admit you've lost?" Octavia grinned widely.

Vinyl frowned and shook her head. "Never." At least there's nopony around to hear it... she added mentally. The unicorn raised her front legs, balancing on her hind legs uncomfotably and inhaled deeply. "Beethoofen is the greatest musician that has ever liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-"

In a moment, she lost her balance, and the merciless force of gravity sent her falling down... right onto Octavia. And, as funny as it may seem, Destiny had a plan in mind concerning the two musical ponies, for Vinyl landed in such a way that her lips met Octavia's perfectly, just as the cellist opened her mouth to shout out a warning.

While the kiss didn't last long, both mares could tell that, even given the unexpectedness of all of it, it was good. Very, very good. One of the best kisses she'd ever had, Octavia mused, to her own embarrassment. Did I really just... *like** it?* she thought, her face turning a deep shade of crimson.

Vinyl's face was no different as she broke the kiss, her eyes still closed. Wow, she thought. To be honest with herself, she had been thinking about it for a long time. Dreaming, even. Longing for it. And now that she had done it, she had only one word rotating in her mind. Perfect.

"Um... Vinyl?" Octavia said, shifting uneasily. "Would you please get off me?" she asked softly, contrary to her usual bossy attitude.

"Oh, right, sure!" the DJ exclaimed as she stood up, letting the previously pinned down mare get up as well. "Um..." Vinyl scratched the back of her head. "I... I'm sorry for-" she began but was suddenly stopped by a grey hoof touching her lips.

"Hush," Octavia said with a smile. "You needn't be sorry. I.. kinda..." The cellist blushed fiercely and closed her eyes. "...liked it."

"Wha?!" Vinyl's eyes reached the very size of the Moon upon hearing her friend's words. "Does it mean..." she began hopefully.

"It just means that sompony's lips taste nice," Octavia interrupted her with a smile, regaining her composure. "And I don't see any other ponies around."

"Well..." Vinyl grinned slyly. "I guess we can continue our little... game..." She leaned in closer to the grey pony, her hot breath falling onto the cellist's ear making her heart beat faster. "Truth or Dare?" she whipered into Octavia's ear.

"D-d-dare..." the cellist replied, closing her eyes.

"I dare you to kiss me," Vinyl said simply. "And this time-"

But Lady Luck surely wasn't playing on Vinyl's side that day, for she was interrupted for the umpteenth time that day, this time by Octavia's lips pressing into hers firmly, the cellist's tongue making its way into her mouth passionately. Vinyl's eyes widened in surprise, but she returned the kiss eagerly, bathing in pleasure.

It seemed that that moment would last for eternity, but since ponies need to breathe eventually, the mares broke the kiss, panting heavily, lying next to each other.

Perfect, Vinyl thought, licking her lips, savouring the taste of Octavia's lips, letting the warm pleasure reverberate through her entire body.

Octavia smiled, looking at the white pony. She wasn't sure what was about to happen, and why what has happened has indeed happened, but she knew one thing: she felt good, and she knew that Vinyl felt the same way. And for now, that was all that mattered.

"Hey, Vinyl?" Octavia asked, rolling over and pinning the surprised mare to the ground. "My turn. How about a truth?" she suggested, nibbling on the white mare's ear, making the DJ's cheeks flush with embarrassment and... arousal? Where did that come from? Vinyl wondered. Octavia kissed the white pony on the neck tenderly. Oh, *that's** where.*

"Sure... Tavi," the DJ replied meekly.

"Do you wub yourself at night?"

5. When the Fan Faces a Certain Old Acquaintance

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Five

When the Fan Faces a Certain Old Acquaintance

***

Kissing was fun. Vinyl had learned it well; and from experience, no less.

Octavia was not fun. That was a proven fact as well: throughout the years the DJ had known her, Octavia was the very opposite of everything connected with fun. Posh, stuck-up and snooty, the grey cellist could easily bore the hay out of anypony. Hell, watching tortoise races was more interesting than hanging out with Octavia!

But... Strangely enough, kissing Octavia was a whole new level of fun. Like. the fun had been not only doubled, but tripled, or quad...something. Vinyl wasn't renowned for her impressive vocabulary, and she had no desire to change that.

The white unicorn rolled over to face the grey mare, who had a most stupid grin on her face, though, the DJ adored it greatly. She placed a gentle kiss on Octavia's forehead, making the cellist giggle and blush a little. Satisfied with the outcome, Vinyl repeated her actions over and over, much to the cellist's delight.

Take it slooow, Vinyl, the DJ told herself, trying to keep her urges at bay. Just kissing, right? Slooow, like a turtle... um, tortoise... whatever. Vinyl felt her cheeks flush despite herself and stopped abruptly, leaning away from the beautiful cellist.

"Hmm?" Octavia murmured disapprovingly. "Why'd you stop, Vinyl?" Her frown very well depicted the fact that the grey mare was pretty much in the mood for some old good saliva exchange. In fact, the two mares could probably set up a bodily fluids exchange company, given the vigour they had shown throughout the few last hours.

"Um... I..." Vinyl scratched the back of her head sheepishly. Come on, say it, Vinyl! You're both grown mares, for buck's sake! However, the DJ's train of trought soon changed tracks, not able to stay occupied on one subject for more than a few seconds. Hmm... Why do we say, 'for buck's sake', anyway? I mean, buck is not a god, last time I checked...

"Vinyl?" Octavia demanded, causing the white unicorn to snap out of her internal philosophical debate and back to reality.

"Oh, I... I mean..." Vinyl put on her best sultry expression; though, if she were given a mirror, she would have screamed in fear upon seeing her pathetic attempt. "You see, we're here all alone..." she began, shifting even closer to Octavia.

"Yes, we are." The cellist blinked in lack of understanding.

"As in, all alone..." Vinyl empasised, leaning over the mare in a manner that disregarded all laws of physics and probably sent Isaac Colton turning over in his grave. Hmm, if we could attach a generator to his grave... Argh, Vinyl, no! Go  back to sexy thoughts, *now*!

"Yes?" Octavia still couldn't get a grip of the situation. What is she implying?

"We could, you know?" Vinyl winked.

"We could what?" Octavia blinked in return.

The DJ groaned and facehoofed. "We could buck, Tavi!"

Octavia frowned. "I do not quite get what you mean, Vinyl-"

And here I was, thinking that I was the stupid one... Vinyl gritted her teeth. "Come on, Tavi! Do I have to spell it for you? B-U-C-K. B comes first. Bitching Universal Cumming Kaleidoscope. Bachelors' United Conclusion on Karma. Buck."

Octavia's mouth fell agape, and her cheeks immediately turned red, but the emotional unicorn was still going on.

"-Roll in the hay, do the dirty dance, walk the kitty, do the jingle-jangle, take a bath in solar sunshine, study for the final exams, get the-"

"I get it, Vinyl," the cellist interrupted her friend, who stopped mid-phrase. "Just..." she sighed. "I don't think I'm ready. I mean, I like you..." She looked at the white unicorn. "And you are rather sexy," she admitted. "But I just don't think I'm ready yet. I-"

"No, I understand." Vinyl nodded, mentally scolding herself for forcing Octavia's feelings. "That's all right: we'll... um... discuss it later. You know, when we've been dating for some longer time." She pondered for a moment. "You can say 'for some longer time', right? It doesn't break some universal grammar rules or something?"

Octavia chuckled, happy that the uneasy moment was resolved so well. "You can speak whatever you like, Vinyl." She smiled at the white mare, who now had a proud look on her face. "But who said we were dating? If anything, you haven't asked me out yet..." The grey teaser smiled in delight upon seeing the white mare's dismay that was instantly displayed on her face.

"I- I- I! I mean, Taviwillyoubemymarefriend?!" the DJ blurted out, making the cellist laugh light-heartedly.

"I already am, Vinyl," Octavia giggled. "I was just messing with you." She tossed her black hair back, a gesture that immediately commanded Vinyl's attention.

"Wow. Cool. Um..." Vinyl blinked. "So, um, now that we're dating, I can call you Octy?" She grinned.

"No."

"Tavs?"

"No."

"Octahedron?"

"No- what?!" Octavia took a step back, a look of genuine shock plastered on her face. "You know what an octahedron is?!" Maybe I shouldn't have questioned Vinyl's intelligence... she mused.

"Nope." Vinyl shook her head. "But it totally sounds like a cool robot name! You know, like those big robots with guns crushing everything and-"

Octavia rolled her eyes. No, she's still as dumb as she was. She listened to her newly acquired marefriend's babbling. Something about robots, and giant dinosaurs... She is so childish, so loud, so... wonderful. Why do I like her so much? the cellist questioned herself, just as she felt something cold under her hoof. Slowly, she took a step back and lowered her gaze, only to see a bottle half-hidden in the sand, a small piece of paper inside.

"Vinyl?"

"And then he just whooshed out of nowhere and-"

"Vinyl."

"And BLAM! The robot crushed his-"

"Vinyl!" Octavia yelled, drawing the DJ's attention.

"Yes, Tavi?" she asked nonchalantly.

"Look. A bottle." The grey mare pointed at the glass object, prompting Vinyl to come closer.

"Cool! There's a note inside!" Vinyl levitated the bottle and opened it eagerly, despite the protests of her marefriend, who, as any sane pony, had concluded that it was indeed dangerous to touch an object that had been lying in deep (all right, maybe not so deep...) sands, even with one's telekinesis.

"I wonder if it's some sort of treasure map so we can find the treasure and get rich and-" Vinyl's pupils widened as she read the note and she gulped.

"What's there?" Octavia asked, a look of concern striking her face. She peered into the note, inspecting it closely while Vinyl held it with her trembling magical grip.

Somepony, anypony at all!

Help me. Help me please. I'm stuck here. There's no way out. I've eaten all the dates and... The hoof-writing became muddled and irrecognisable for a few lines. No, they are coming. They are always coming at this time. Please, Celestia, let this bottle sail away to Equestria safely.

The two mares exhanged pale looks.

Vinyl gulped again.

"Shit."

6. Been Dreamin', Been Waitin'

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Six

Been Dreamin', Been Waitin'

***

"And then they all fucked! The end," Vinyl proudly announced, grinning widely as she took a bow before the campfire that was barely lighing up the silhouettes of their faces in the dark, starless night sky.

Octavia groaned and smacked her forehead with a classic facehoof. "Vinyl, do all your stories end with that line?" she wondered, taking a cautious look around. The island was deadly silently, and it was surely giving Octavia the creeps, creeps so cold that the very shivers that were running down her spine could maintain a bunch of refrigerators each. She had to take her mind off the letter in the bottle and the possible dangers that might be concealed on the island.

The pony who had written the letter was surely dead, Octavia mused. Something terrible was lurking the island, something that was constantly putting both her and Vinyl to unease. What could it be? Ghosts? Ninjas? Ninja ghosts? Those were mere old mare's tales, nothing more. But when Octavia thought about the real dangers... Like black red-maned alicorns... or humans that, for some reason, had been travelling to Equestria on a regular basis for some time already. Or even worse... Octavia shivered. Seaponies...

"No!" the DJ exclaimed, bringing the cellist back to reality. She pondered for a moment, looking up to the black void that was blue sky some few hours ago. "...Yes," she admitted guiltily, hanging her head low.

The cellist sighed and shook her head. "What about that story about the giant robot and the dinosaur?" she asked, hoping that maybe this time Vinyl would have a different approach to storytelling. Yes, something that wouldn't qualify as verbal pornography...

"Um..." The unicorn blushed and scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "I kinda ship them too..." She chuckled uneasily. "Like, they are dating in the end! And, well, have sex too."

"What." Octavia's tone was flat, her gaze as unamused as possible. While she wasn't sure of the exact meaning of the word Vinyl had used, or rather, what meaning she had put into the word 'ship', she could very well see it was something sexual. And she was greatly perturbed by this.

"Well, you know, robots and dinosaurs need love too!" Vinyl exclaimed, taking a defensive state. "It's kinda racist to rip them off the opportunity!"

"What."

Meeting Octavia's flat stare, Vinyl cut her tirade short. "Um... yeah," she concluded laconically, nodding in proof of her words. Amazing, Vinyl. Your vocabulary is so damn unique that it seems to become narrower and narrower with each passing day... I wonder when I will be expressing myself with a few inadequate sounds and crazy gestures...

"You know, Vinyl, you really need to take your mind out of the gutter." The cellist shook her head disapprovingly. "All you ever think about is sex."

Vinyl opened her mouth to protest but realised that her marefriend was right on this point. Sure, she did think naughty thoughts, but hey, she wasn't the one to blame! It was all about hormones. And Tavi's sweet flank... The DJ groaned, trying to 'take her mind out of the gutter' at least for a few minutes. Whatever that meant.

"I do not," the unicorn still retorn, just out of the pure desire to argue. After all, arguing was her special talent... wasn't it. She looked at her cutie mark, the musical notes proving otherwise. Aw well, cutie marks don't matter that much, after all.

"Oh, is it so, Vinyl?" Octavia smiled mischeviously. "Then... Say, what if we weren't scared to death and telling each other stories to stay awake..." She winked at the white mare. "What would we be doing then?" She rubbed her chin, as if she were honestly thinking over the possibilities.

Oh, you don't fool me, Tavi... Vinyl thought, determined not to walk headlong into the grey mare's trap. At least not straightaway. "We'd just stay together," she replied.

"And?" Octavia smiled slyly.

Vinyl gulped. "Just stay together, and... cuddle?"

"Yes?" The cellist 'occasionally' brushed her tail against Vinyl's muzzle.

The unicorn shut her eyes. "And maybe kiss. Just kiss," she squeaked.

"Congratulations, Vinyl! You've won!" Octavia announced proudly, making Vinyl open her eyes. "The main prize is yours!" She bowed in a mocking manner.

"What is it? Sex?!"

Seeing hope in her marefriend's eyes, Octavia groaned and facehoofed. "No, Vinyl. Not sex. Really, honey, all you've been-"

"Tavi, ship."

"Don't you interrupt me, Vinyl. I have no time for your slang. Now, as I was saying-"

"Tavi, ship." The unicorn enveloped her marefriend in a telekinetic grip and forcefully turned the grey mare's head towards the shore.

And, indeed, there was something to see. Off in the distance, under the dark blanket of the starless sky, a single light penetrated the blackness; a light that outlined the silhouette of a large ship, its wooden body sailing regally through the ocean, its sail trembling on the sturdy mast.

"We're saved! We're saved!" Octavia yelled, jumping up, her last bits of dignity falling on the sand, metaphorically speaking; she even forgot about the lecture she was about to give Vinyl.

However, the white unicorn pressed her hoof again the cellist's lips firmly, limiting Octavia's happy shrieks to indistinct mumbling.

"Look at the sail, Tavi," was all that Vinyl said, and that was enough for the grey mare to fall silent and pale as her eyes registered what her marefriend was trying to tell her.

The black sail was crowned with a skull and crossed bones.

7. Trouble Be A-Brewin'

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Seven

Trouble Be A-Brewin'

***

"Pirates..." Vinyl whispered, licking her dry lips, and slowly turned her head towards Octavia, who just nodded, fear evident in her eyes.

"I know, Vinyl... " The cellist gulped. "It's terrible."

"Are you kidding?!" the DJ exclaimed suddenly. "It's awesome!" She threw her hoof in the air, a wide grin appearing on her face instantly.

"What?" Octavia blinked in lack of understanding.

"It's like, top-tier awesome!" Vinyl rubbed her chin. "No, wait, that would be space fire monkeys... All right, it's almost top-tier awesome!" she corrected herself. "Real pirates, Tavi! Sea-travelling, rum-drinking, on-adventure-going pirates!" The white mare giggled like a foal, covering her mouth with a hoof.

"Pony-hanging, to-sharks-feeding, with-sabre-cutting pirates," Octavia replied acidly.

"You're no fun, Tavi!" the white unicorn retorted. Suddenly, she squinted her eyes and moved closer to the grey mare, carefully inspecting her marefriend's flank.

"Vinyl!" Octavia blushed and covered her rump with her tail. "Is it really good time for flank-staring?"

"Nah, I was just thinking..." Vinyl rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "You know, you're always so prim and proper..."

"Yes?" The cellist huffed, crossing her hooves with dignity.

"So I was searching for the stick that somepony had obviously shoved up your rump. Or were you born with it?" The unicorn grinned. "I can't recall-"

"I WILL END YOU!" Octavia roared, leaping at the DJ, who was fortunately fast enough to avoid the deadly lunge and rolled aside. Vinyl giggled, and Octavia, losing her anger that was now replaced by a feeling of playful competition, readied another attack.

"Don't bother. I'm here to do it in your stead," a low masculine voice reached their ears from behind, making the two ponies jump to their hooves in surprise.

When they raised their heads, a terrifying view appeared before their eyes: before them was standing a huge - no, rather enormous brown stallion in a peculiar clothing, which consisted of some kind of black dress (at least the mares thought so) and a triangular cap on top of his head, which made his long, dirty red mane look even more frightening. His red beard was dirty and dishevelled. He grinned in a particularly evil manner, revealing a mouth full of golden teeth.

Octavia paled as her jaw fell open, and looked at her marefriend, who, for some reason, had begun trembling. Poor Vinyl... No wonder she's so afraid...

Vinyl began shaking uncontrollably, and just when Octavia extended her hoof to calm down the white pony, jumped up, a grin on her face lighting every corner of the island, if we disregard the fact that the island was, in fact, round. Either that or the ship had drawn nearer, so that the flashlight, which, in reality, was a torch, Octavia noted, was now lighting the whole island.

"It's so damn awesome! You're a real pirate!" Vinyl yelled, a look of genuine amazement visible in her eyes. "You even got a cap! Where's your parrot? You lost him when you were travelling the seas? Or should I say, 'when ye be trav'ling them seas, arr matey'?" Vinyl did her best pirate expression, taking the stranger by surprise, as he stepped back, concern evident in his once unperturbed look.

"Oooo, you even have golden teeth! They must have cost a fortune! Oh, no, you must have stolen the gold from a dead pony's chest hidden in a dead pony's cave concealed on top of a dead pony's volcano!" She continued, and would have been rambling on and on, were it not for the pirate, who, visibly tired from the fangasming unicorn, took out a large steel sabre, holding it in his telekinetic grip.

So he's a unicorn, Octavia thought dumbly, her body paralysed in the wake of the approaching danger. The sabre shimmered in the darkness like a tiny lightning bolt, finding its way to Vinyl's neck, stopping just a millimetre from it.

Octavia let out a loud shriek, trying to run to her marefriend, protect her at all costs, but her body didn't obey her.

Vinyl gulped and lifted a hoof solemnly. Octavia noticed that it was trembling; still, the white mare looked very serious and calm, on the outside.

"I demand Drunken Mercy!" the DJ announced, looking at the pirate directly.

What? Octavia blinked. Apparently, Vinyl had gone crazy. Well, sure, she was crazy already, but now it was a full trip to crazy-land on a broken locomotive.

"What do you know about Drunken Mercy?" the pirate demanded, however, lowering his sabre a little, visibly astonished.

"The Grand Pirate Codex, Chapter Five," Vinyl cleared her throated. "Any pony who is to be put to death by a pirate's hoof may demand Drunken Mercy on the grounds that they can win the Drinking Game. End of quote," the white unicorn concluded.

The pirate lowered his sabre completely, stroking his beard with a hoof. "Hmm..." He chuckled. "All right, young one, you know the law well! A Drinking Game it be, then!" he announced, stomping his hoof. Only now did the mares notice that he had a wooden hoof that surely didn't add a pleasant touch to the general impression. "Welcome to my ship, then!" He turned towards the large ship, eyeing it lovingly. "Ain't she a beauty!" He shook his head.

"Vinyl, what do you intend to do?" Octavia whispered into the white mare's ear.

The DJ grinned widely. "Easy, Tavi: win the Drinking Game. Out-drink the cap'n - and we're free! All thanks to The Codex!"

The cellist blinked in surprise. "Where do you know about this 'Codex' from?" she wondered.

"Remember when you told me to 'grow up' and stop watching The Pirates of the Coltribbean?" Vinyl asked, receiving a nod from her marefriend. "Well, turns out it is useful, after all."

"Come on, ladies!" the pirate roared, bringing the mares back to reality. "Or you be wanting to go feed them fish?"

"Now he's talking like a real pirate!" Vinyl eyed the stranger in awe. "He's, like, my hero from now on!"

Really, Vinyl? Octavia raised her brow, but the white pony had already begun following the pirate to the ship. She sighed and followed them, shaking her head.

Out-drink a *pirate*?! Octavia sighed.

We're *sooo** doomed...*

9. Poor Villains with Awful Character and Miserable Appearance

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Nine

Poor Villains with Awful Character and Miserable Appearance

***

"Vinyl, wake up!"

The white unicorn rolled over with a grunt and covered her head with a hoof, to ensure that no sound from the obnoxious reality would reach her ears.

"Vinyl!"

The merciless racket that Vinyl had previously made a mistake of calling Octavia's voice penetrated her poor eardrums, on the verge of seemingly breaking them. The DJ groaned in pain and dug into the warm sand.

Alas, she was no ostrich, and the substance had made its way to her ears and nostrils, making her wake up at once, and jump up, coughing and and spitting all around. Damn ostriches, Vinyl thought as she jumped on one hoof, shaking her head to make the sand leave her very own body parts, which were her private property, a fact that the sand was obviously not familiar with. How do they manage to hide their heads in the sand and come out in a jiffy?

"Vinyl."

The white mare turned her head towards the source of the sound, only to see her marefriend sitting on the sand before her, holding a hoofful of dates. "Vinyl," she repeated firmly, piercing the unicorn with her 'serious' gaze. Actually, given that the grey mare was always serious, it was her 'serious serious' gaze. Or 'totally serious' gaze. Or 'ultimately serious' gaze. Vinyl couldn't choose one.

"Ostriches," the white pony replied.

"What?" Octavia blinked, dropping a date onto the sand, and quickly recollecting it afterwards.

"Ostriches," VInyl repeated philosophically. "When they hide their head beneath the sand - how come they can breathe?"

"Vinyl!" the cellist exclaimed, trying to hit her mare, who evaded the blow with the agility of a pony-ninja. Ninja-pony. Whatever. "I'm trying to bring up a serious matter!" She groaned, rubbing her forehead with her free hoof. "We're out of food."

Vinyl blinked dumbly.

"All we have left is these dates," the grey mare concluded, extending her hoof towards her marefriend, who looked at the fruit dumbly.

"Well..." VInyl began, the rusty gears in her sleepy head turning, generously oiled by the hangover. "At least we have a few dates here to eat on a date!" she exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.

A grave expression fell upon Octavia's face. "Listen closely, Vinyl. Pay heed to what I say. Right now, without thinking about it, you have committed a crime against humour. You may deny it, but this pun was a disgrace to any comedian ever lived."

"Tavi-"

"No, Vinyl. Your pun - if one can ever find it in their soul to call it a pun - was disgusting."

"Tavi!"

"I wouldn't be able to find words to describe it, even if I consulted the Revised Edition of Crabb's English Synonymes-"

"Tavi, behind you!"

The grey pony finaly paid heed to the despaired cry of her marefriend and turned round.

Only to see a huge, tall, black, red-maned alicorn hovering next to them.

She might have shrieked.

A few minutes passed in silence as the beast lowered itself onto the sand. "My name is Somber Wing," it announced, extending his hoof towards the mares, a piece of paper in it.

Vinyl squinted her eyes. A... business card?

Indeed, on the white piece of paper, in big golden letters, was written,

Somber Wing, a Black Red-Maned Alicorn

Bad OCs Inc., CEO

"That's not how you spell Sombre." Octavia frowned, all fear leaving her as her inner grammatical and spelling righteousness kicked in.

"I'm American." The alicorn shrugged, visibly perturbed by the lack of fear he was receiving. "I have come here to consume your souls, just so you know," he continued, looking at the mares, who exchanged knowing looks.

"How novel." Vinyl yawned.

The alicorn raised his brow. "What do you mean?"

"We meet the likes of you on a weekly basis. You're like those Jehowah witnesses, hitting at our doors like crazy on Sunday mornings."

Octavia nodded. "Yes. You definitely need to be a little more...  original?"

The alicorn blinked, a thick blush covering his face. "I'm... not that mediocre, am I?"

"No!" Octavia protested, shaking her head. "Of course not, Mr. Wing! You just need a little more... originality? Change your hair colour, for one - white would suit you perfectly!"

"Yes, and change your job - you make a crappy villain!" Vinyl exclaimed, receiving a harsh glare from her marefriend. "What, Tavi? I'm telling honest truth here - he can't make a foal shit their pants! You need to change your job, dude!" she addressed Somber Wing, who, by now, seemed more and more embarrassed with each passing second. "You working under King Sombra, by any chance?" Receiving a nod, she sighed. "Quit. Begin a new life. You know, you can sell French Fries - everypony loves French Fries!"

The alicorn stared dumbly at the beaming white unicorn, then at the grey earth pony, who nodded eagerly. "You... think so?"

"Sure!" the DJ exclaimed. "And dude... change your mane colour. Like, really."

"Thanks... I guess?" Sombre wing blinked in embarrassment and severe lack of understanding.

"You're welcome!" Vinyl nodded. "Now, me and my marefriend were on to something..."

"Oh!" Somber Wing exclaimed, blushing fiercely. "Of course! Take your time!" With that, he vanished in a flash.

Octavia released a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding. "Wow. That was a tough one, Vinyl." She pondered for a moment. "You know, if we hadn't taken him by surprise, he could've easily destroyed us."

"No shit, Tavi," Vinyl agreed. "Those alicorns are so OP."

10. In Which You Realise That This Is Indeed a Shipfic

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Ten

In Which You Realise That This Is Indeed a Shipfic

***

"I'm huuuuuungryyyy!"

Octavia winced, the sound of her marefriend's whining too much for her poor ears to bear. Up until now, she didn't know Vinyl was so skilled at the ancient lady-like art that allowed mares to drive their unfortunate husbands to spend all their money on an especially beautiful dress or a 'totally magnificent' piece of jewellery, which, as funny as it may seem, was always the most expensive one in the shop. Fortunately, same-sex couples were delivered from such issues, and, listening to Vinyl's unbearable whining, Octavia started to wonder if that was the real reason behind having so many gay ponies around Equestria.

"Hungryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Vinyl's voice carried all the pain and sorrow of the best mind of her generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, and whatever else Octavia had heard from Vinyl's drunken "dramatic" reading of Howl, when she had balanced herself on a stool at a local bar, which led to the mares' ostracism from the aforementioned bar. Howl was indeed the right word here; her being a DJ, Vinyl's vocal abilities left much to be desired, turning her whining into a high-pitched howl that would make wild timberwolves envious. Not that there were any tame timberwolves, to think about it.

"HuuuUuuuUuungryyYyyyyYyyy!"

The white mare's vocals resonated across the desolate island, evoking an opulent migraine inside the grey cellist's head. It felt as if Vinyl's voice was riding a rollercoaster, up and down, up and down, up and-

-And a precise mighty kick from Octavia finished the fun ride, showing a fine skill of markmanship as she stuck her hoof into the white mare's mouth. Vinyl mumbled something indistinct but soon gave up on the noble attempt and waited patiently until the offending hoof was removed and its proud owner radiated a content smile.

"Ouch, Tavi, that hurt," the DJ mumbled, rubbing her lips. "You could've just kissed me, you know?" She grinned widely. "Just like in those films-"

"No, Vinyl." Octavia frowned and stared at the blue sky, sick of it already. Couldn't the pegasi provide a few clouds? Alas, it seemed that 'providing a Celestia-forsaken island in the middle of the ocean' was not on the weather team's list. "You really ought to stop whining. I'm hungry, too, but whining won't make the dates grown on the trees again," she concluded sadly, eyeing the palm trees that were now lacking the delicious fruit.

"How would you know?" Vinyl wondered in a contemplating tone (at least in what seemed to her a contemplating tone), rolling over. "You haven't checked."

"Vinyl, this is called biology." Octavia sighed and averted her gaze from the sky, looking at the white (now mostly dirty-white) mare. "They teach it in college."

"I haven't been to college," the white unicorn replied with a shrug.

The cellist frowned. "Well, that shows- Wait, what?!" She jumped in place, staring at her marefriend, wide-eyed and confused.

"I've never been to college," Vinyl repeated nonchalantly. "I mean, I am a DJ! I love my music; I don't love studying. Besides, my folks always told me I was gonna find a rich stallion to pay for everything I want. But hey, now I have an almost-rich-but-not-quite-there mare!" she exclaimed cheerfully, crushing Octavia in a loving hug.

"Vinyl!" the grey pony exclaimed, freeing herself of the powerful grasp. "If you think I'm going to pay for everything from now on, you are gravely mistaken." She tossed her long black mane back in a show of dominance. "Now that we are in a relationship, I expect us to share everything on equal terms."

The DJ gasped, backing down and tripping, only to fall onto the sand. "Tavi! You- You're speaking like a communist!" She squinted her eyes, getting back to her hooves. "Tavi? Tell me - you aren't a communist, are you?"

Octavia blinked in confusion as Vinyl closed the distance between them slowly, glaring at the cellist with a look that would surely kill a small animal, like a cat or a squirrel, or at least leave it paralysed for a while.

"Are you?!"

"Vinyl, calm down!" the grey mare exclaimed, waving her hoof before Vinyl's face, in order to bring the white mare back to Equestria. Island. Whatever. "I'm not."

That statement seemed to have an instant soothing effect on the white mare, who followed her marefriend's instruction and calmed down at once. One could only marvel at how fast her mood had changed, putting the infamous teenage 'mood swings' to shame.

"But you know, I have read Colt Marex's works..." Octavia said with a sly grin, looking away at the horizon.

"Tavi..." Vinyl growled in a warning tone. "Don't fuck with me, Tavi." She pondered for a moment. "No, wait, actually, do fuck with me; just not metaphorically. I mean, it's good to fuck in bed, or in the kitchen, or a toilet cabin would be nice too-"

"I get that, honey," Octavia interrupted her mare before her mind could delve deeper into the field of bizarre sex. "Just- a ship?"

"Huh?" Vinyl followed the grey mare's extended hoof that was pointing at a black dot at the horizon that was slowly but steadily approaching them. "A ship!" she exclaimed as the dot grew bigger, revealing itself to be a white (How do those black dots always change colour to something completely different?! she mused) ship, and a rather large one at that.

As the vessel drew nearer, the mares saw, not without astonishment, that it was a huge steam ship, one of those new long and broad models.

"Wow." Vinyl shook her head in disbelief. "It's like a gift from Celestia herself."

"I've a bad premonition about this..." Octavia mumbled, eyeing the ship.

"Come on, Tavi, it's our way out!" Vinyl retorted. "It's even got its name written in gold! Must be some awesome cruise liner!"

"I guess you're right..." the cellist agreed reluctantly, taking a long glance at the golden letters that read, Titaneigh.

12. Stealthy Ponies, Nosy Mares and Wonderful Booze

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Twelve

Stealthy Ponies, Nosy Mares and Wonderful Booze

***

Clop clop clop.

A shadowy figure galloped across the corridor, turning round the corner.

Clop clop clop.

Reaching for a nearby vase, the figure concealed itself behind the porcelain object, looking around cautiously. Finally, seeing that there was nopony around, it trotted towards the sacred wooden door - the kitchen.

As she entered the room, Vinyl exhaled in relief and turned on the light. The kitchen was empty, given the late hour; and that was only good, for she didn't want to be caught rummaging through the crew's wine supplies, especially after the aforementioned crew had granted her and her marefriend a room on board.

The DJ tiptoed towards a stack of boxes that was crowning the corner of the cramped kitchen and began running through the contents. She took a bottle of red wine (at least it seemed red to her) and began searching for something harder, maybe some whisky or-

Oh Merciful Celestia! Vinyl staggered back, wide-eyed. The sight that had been just revealed to her through a divine revelation was mesmerising. It felt as if she had just died and ended up in heaven. She had just witnessed the ultimate meaning of life, and the final goal and the source of everything awesome in the world.

Right before her, lay a box full of beautiful one-litre bottles that smiled at her and begged to take them. Bottles full of rum. Staggering, Vinyl reached for the box with her magic, grasping it tight in her telekinetic grip.

"There, there, babies," she cooed, cradling the box with a smile. "Mommy's here; mommy will take care of you..." She pondered for a moment. "Well, maybe share you with mommy's marefriend..."

"Talking to inanimate objects is the first sign of approaching insanity."

Vinyl yelped, dropping the box, thankfully, without damaging the precious alcohol, and turned round quickly, seeing a mint unicorn mare leaning against the door, her hooves crossed, a smug grin upon her face.

"Just so you know," the mint mare concluded, standing on all fours and trotting towards the fridge.

"Who the hay are you?" Vinyl wondered suspiciously, protecting the sacred box with her body.

The unicorn opened the freezer, levitating a bag of hayfries, humming under her breath. "I can ask the same question. Stealing rum, huh? Way to the spend the night." She concentrated her magic and the bag popped open.

Vinyl rubbed her chin thoughfully. "It ain't stealing if I share, right?" she asked carefully.

The mint mare laughed, frying her food magically. That's some quality spellcasting, Vinyl mused. Far beyond my limits. "I like the way you think." She shook her head. "No, thank you. My forte is... hunting after bigger fish, so to speak." The mare chuckled, tossing the confused DJ a wink.

"It ain't fish. It's rum," Vinyl retorted blandly, eyeing the mare. Is she stupid or what? "Good ol' stuff, you know?"

"Oh, a simpleton. I see," the mint unicorn observed, placing the hot hayfries back in the bag.

"Well, maybe I am!" Vinyl snapped, taking a defensive stance. "If I knew what that means!"

"Not on good terms with grammar as well," the mysterious mare said with a chuckle and trotted towards the door. "Good night... What was your name again?"

"Vinyl," the DJ replied coldly. "Vinyl Scratch."

"Lyra Heartstrings," the mare introduced herself and opened the door. "Good night, Vinyl Scratch."

With that, she took her leave, leaving Vinyl blinking dumbly at her new acquaintance.

"All ponies on this ship are crazy," the white mare mumbled, lifting the box and checking the contents. "There are no brakes on the crazy ship..."

***

"Tavi, I brought some booze!" Vinyl exclaimed cheerfully, trotting into the small stateroom.

The cellist yelped, quickly covering herself with a blanket, blushing fiercely. "Vinyl!" she yelled angrily. "Didn't they teach you to knock before entering?!"

Vinyl blinked in astonishment. "Well, I didn't... Wait a minute." A sudden realisation dawned upon her. "Tavi, you were-! Aw dammit!" The DJ pouted, eyeing the embarrassed mare.

"I told you not to get started without me!"

13. That One Point Where the Excrements Get Real

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Thirteen

That One Point Where the Excrements Get Real

***

"Vinyl, can't you just stand still?" Octavia grunted as she vainly tried to groom her marefriend's spiked mane. "What have you done with your mane so it always stays like this?" she wondered weakly, placing the brush onto the tiny bed with a sigh.

"It's alcohol, Tavi," the DJ explained cheerfully, smiling at her mare with a 'you-so-silly' look. "When you drink a lot, it makes some chemical reactions and stuff, and - bam! - you have an awesome mane, like mine!"

The cellist facehoofed at such idiocy. "Yes, sure, and I'm Princess Celestia's niece," she replied sarcastically.

Vinyl gasped. "You are?! I've been rutting the Princess's niece all this time?!" she exclaimed in awe. "Wow! You know what that calls for?"

"Me kicking your flank?" the cellist growled, nearing her marefriend, squinting her eyes in a dangerous glare.

Vinyl staggered back, waving her hooves in the air. "No! Tavi, no! Don't touch me with these sticky hooves of yours!"

Octavia stopped, blinking in amusement, even lowering her Striking Hoof of Justice. "Sticky?" she clarified as her brain struggled to find a foundation for Vinyl's phrasing, which was a very difficult task itself.

"Well, you've been clopping with those hooves recently, so, naturally-" the DJ began with a sly grin but was cut short as a furious ball of grey fur and muscle leapt at her, pinning the poor mare to the ground.

"Do you know what I do with funny unicorns?" the cellist growled, nibbling on Vinyl's ear.

The DJ took it as a good sign - if she ever was good at reading signs - so she decided to play along. "What?" she wondered, grinning.

"I rut them to death~" Octavia pressed her lips into her marefriend's fervently, making the white unicorn moan in delight.

This is the best punishment ever, she thought. I have to tease Tavi more...

"What a noble death."

The cellist rolled over with a yelp, falling to the floor from the eminence of her mare's body while Vinyl blushed profusely, turning her head to the door, where a familiar mint unicorn was standing, her hooves crossed in the same peculiar manner as the night before. How the hay does she bend her hooves like that? the DJ mused, trying to copy the gesture but failing miserably.

"Who are you?!" the cellist shrieked, vainly trying to cover herself with her hooves, as if she were embarrassed about her being naked. Which would be totally silly, given that she was naked all the time, save for her pink bow tie, which she was wearing even now.

"Ask your marefriend," Lyra replied with a shrug, not changing her pose that looked more and more appealing, at least from Vinyl's point of view.

"Vinyl?" Octavia glared at the DJ suspiciously. They didn't- Did they?!

"Tavi, I didn't!" the white unicorn exclaimed, taking in the possible implications. "I would've never commited adult- adulte- ad- this adult thing," she finished with an embarrassed smile. "You know what I mean."

"The word you want is 'adultery'," the mint unicorn supplied, finally standing back on all fours. "And no, I did not partake in any sexual activities with your marefriend," she addressed the cellist, eyeing Vinyl from the corner of her eye. "Though, if it were not for my mare, I would have gladly considered a menage a trois, given that you are both quite fitting." She tossed the mares a wink, making Octavia flush with embarrassment, while Vinyl hopelessly tried to get a grasp at the fancy words.

"A mewhatnow?" the DJ asked her still blushing marefriend, giving up any attempts at understanding foreign (and long!) words.

"It means..." Octavia whispered, averting her gaze. "A threesome."

Vinyl's eyes lit up in anticipation. "Cool! Me, you and Lyra? Where and when?"

Once again, Octavia'd proved that The Striking Hoof of Justice wasn't called The Striking Hoof of Justice for nothing. Vinyl sat on her haunches, rubbing her aching forehead. Adding 'Never piss off Tavi' to the list of things-not-to-do, she thought lamentably. Oh, who am I kidding! It's so much fun!

Octavia shifted, occupying a prim and regal pose. "I do not want to be rude..." She eyed the smirking mint mare. "But what are you doing here?" she demanded in a rather harsh tone, which, to her, was somewhat justified, for this unicorn had not only entered their room without permission, but also interrupted... some pleasant business.

"Oh, nothing, basically. Just..." Lyra stood up on her hindlegs, crossing her hooves again. Does she do that often? Octavia wondered idly. "I have a matter to discuss with you."

The unicorn smirked confidently.

"A business affair, if you wish."

14. Meeting New Ponies, Facing New Ponies... Kissing New Ponies?

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Fourteen

Meeting New Ponies, Facing New Ponies... Kissing New Ponies?

***

"You can't possibly mean that!"

Octavia began pacing the room fervently, muttering curses under her breath, while Vinyl just sat there, blinking dumbly as she stared at the mint unicon. What Lyra had just suggested was... out-raven-ous? Out-wagon-ous? Out-sage-ous?

"That's just outrageous!" Octavia yelled, throwing her hooves in the air desperately, not ceasing her fast and probably healthy trotting routine.

So, that was the word. Vinyl tried to memorise it, but her memory was already filled with loops, beats and mixes. If only I could have some extension to my brain or something, she mused. Maybe become a cyberpony! Cyberponies are cool!

Octavia's well-planned movement was interrupted by Lyra giving her a magical pat on the shoulder. The cellist shrieked, jumping in place. Most certainly, so much movement would turn Octavia into a skinny version of herself. Not that it's a bad thing, the DJ observed. Though, I like her flanks just the way they are.

As Vinyl's thoughts drifted off to the wonderful Land of Flanks - or, to put it more exactly, the Land of Octavia's Flanks - Lyra tried to use reason on the grey mare.

"Octavia, please, calm down."

"Calm down? CALM DOWN?!"

It seemed to be not very effective... Still, the mint unicorn made a swift motion towards the cellist, now putting a very real, flesh-and-bones (flesh-and-bones-and-muscle, technically speaking, but we are having a lyrical narration here, so that'd do the trick) hoof onto her shoulder.

"Octavia, what I have suggested is-"

Suddenly, a cream-coloured earth pony mare entered the room, swishing her pink-and-blue striped tail around, her curly mane of the same colour falling freely onto her shoulders and bouncing with each step. Eyeing the pony's fine, round flank, Vinyl mentally thanked Celestia that she wasn't a pegasus, or there would be much explaining to do. Maybe Octavia would even punish her... To think about it, it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing...

"Lyra, honey, I've been searching high and low for you!" the newcomer exclaimed, trotting towards the mint unicorn, whose face instantly acquired a certain expression, of 'look-I'm-in-an-official-relationship-and-so-happy' variety: Vinyl knew that one well.

"Bonnie!" Lyra replied cheerfully.

To both Vinyl and Octavia's surprise, the pair didn't share a nuzzle or a peck. On the contrary, their tails entwined, they embraced each other firmly, partaking in a rather fervent make-out session. With a lot of tongue action involved, Octavia added mentally, wincing at the slurping noises they were making. She blushed and took a glance at her marefriend, who was sitting on her flank in awe, her mouth agape.

Finally, the DJ looked at her marefriend, mouthing, "Foursome." The cellist flushed even more, and was almost ready to kick Vinyl's arse. Almost. That was the key word here. Watching the two ponies kiss, she immediately felt warm and slightly aroused. Vinyl would be getting an exciting night, that was for sure.

The cellist cleared her throat loudly. "Excuse me for interrupting you-" she began, but 'Bonnie' and Lyra had already broken the kiss, looking happy and by no means embarrassed.

"You must forgive us, we haven't seen each other for almost half an hour," 'Bonnie' explaned, gesturing with her hoof. Wow, that's what I call 'attached', Vinyl noted. Octavia noted the same as well, only her inner vocabulary was much more grandiloquent and disturbingly obscene. "My name is Bon-Bon." She took a slight bow. "I am Lyra's marefriend."

"We've noticed," Vinyl mumbled, her cheeks flushing a little. Foursome~ her mind cooed to her, and, while she wanted to shut that part of brain, she also wanted to let it rule her body, for a while.

"Pleased to meet you." Octavia nodded. "My name is Octavia, and this uncouth white unicorn here is my marefriend Vinyl."

Vinyl waved her hoof, oblivious to the meaning of the word 'uncouth'. She assumed it a synonym for 'sexy'. Or maybe 'hot'. Or whatever fancy words fancy ponies used.

"Bon-Bon, I hope you can bring your marefriend to her senses," the cellist continued, choosing her words carefully. "Some five minutes ago, she suggested we..." The grey mare faked a chuckle. "Hijack this ship!" She let out a fake laugh, shaking her head in disbelief. Strangely enough, Bon-Bon's gaze remained stoic. Stern, even.

She turned towards the mint mare. "Lyra, honey, have you seriously told them about our plan?!" she exclaimed in a scolding tone.

Wait, what? Octavia blinked. Bon-Bon couldn't possibly... Could she?!

"Listen, Bonnie, we do need their help," Lyra started to apologise, but Octavia's huffing interrupted her.

Vinyl was a little terrified to look at her mare right now: her eye was twitching, her eyes glaring daggers, and she could swear smoke was erupting from her nostrils. The DJ cocked her head to the side. Kinda kinky.

"Give me one good reason as to why I shouldn't report you to the crew right now." Octavia's voice sounded dangerously calm, but the steely notes made Vinyl shiver. She could only wonder what it'd done to Lyra and Bon-Bon.

"You would save countless innocent lives!" Lyra blurted out, making both Vinyl and Octavia flinch.

"What?.." was all that Octavia could manage to say, despite her extensive vocabulary. Just like that time when I stuffed a- Vinyl thought, but cut herself short at once. She didn't want to reveal that info, in case some crazy aliens were surveilling her brain.

"We want to change the course. Otherwise, this ship is going to crash, and sink," Lyra explained, more calmly. "I told the crew, but they didn't believe me!"

"Neither do I," the cellist replied coldly. "Where have you got that idea from?"

"Magical unicorn premonition!" Lyra faked an uneasy smile.

Octavia glared at her sternly. "If you really think I will believe you-"

"Tavi, she's right."

The grey mare turned her head towards the white unicorn, who nodded. "It's true, Tavi," Vinyl repeated. "We unicorns do have magical premonitions." She paused. "And they are usually right."

Octavia bit her lower lip. "I need to go to the restroom and try to think over the matter." She turned away. "Vinyl, I'm expecting you there too, in five minutes." With that, and a swish of her tail, she took her leave.

"She has a habit of getting started without me." Vinyl chuckled, rubbing the back of her head. "So, 'magical unicorn premonition', huh?"

Lyra blushed a little, looking down. "Well, I had to think of something!" Her eyes met Vinyl's gaze. "Thank you for backing me up."

The DJ shrugged. "Yeah, whatever."

Lyra paused, casting a side glance at her marefriend, who looked both perturbed and grateful. "Vinyl, you did that only for a possible foursome, didn't you?"

Vinyl smirked and her face beamed with a grin.

"You bet."

15. The Chapter in Which Vinyl Makes a Mistake, Octavia Makes a Confession, and Lyra and Bon-Bon Make Love

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Fifteen

In Which Vinyl Makes a Mistake, Octavia Makes a Confession, and Lyra and Bon-Bon Make Love

***

It was a beautiful morning in Ponyville. At least, that's what Vinyl assumed, lying in Octavia's lap in a dark, relatively dirty, and by no means spacious stateroom. The flickering light of a single lamp danced about the ceiling, bringing to life creepy silhouettes and rather cryptic shapes. Bones. Skulls. Bananas. The harbingers of doom. Or something. The DJ had never got it right. She really needed a bottle of rum now. While her newfound love was lying right next to her, exhausted from an especially fervent 'music-making' session, her old love, alcohol, had been unattended to for quite a long time.

A nudge from her marefriend brought Vinyl back to Equestria, and the white mare turned her head towards Octavia weakly. "Hi there, beautiful," the DJ said, reminiscing the '100 Phrases You Can Use to Warm Up Your Marefriend', a cheap paperback she'd picked up for half a bit at a train station. We really do need to revise our currency, the mare mused. Cutting gold bits isn't exactly easy.

A sigh was Octavia's reply, and Vinyl couldn't help but feel a little disheartened, which was a feeling that contradicted her usual carefree attitude. "Hey, Tavi." She ran a hoof through her mare's mane. "Cheer up. Or am I really that bad in bed?" she wondered with a confident smirk that clearly depicted her desire to prove otherwise, any time, any place.

"No," the cellist admitted with a small grin. "You are even better than Spitfire." She yawned, covering her mouth theatrically, scratching Vinyl's ear.

"Cool," the DJ purred, bathing in pleasure. "Wait, what?!" She jerked up, looking at a very cheerfully laughing Octavia. Her mouth fell agape. "You dated Spitfire?!" I can't believe it! "As in, Spitfire the Wonderbolts captain?" What else don't I know about my marefriend? Maybe she starred in 'Sexy Cellists and Hot Flanks 8'? No, if her memory served her right, she hadn't seen Octavia in that Osmare-winning porn film... Although, there was a familiar grey mare in a bow tie; only she was a unicorn. Wait a minute, don't they make fake horns?

Before Vinyl could further speculate on the topic of her marefriend being or not being a famous porn star, Octavia began, "Vinyl, dear, to do that, you don't necessarily need to be dating the pony."

If Vinyl's jaw was attachable, it would have hit the floor, pierced through the bottom of the ship and fallen down deep into the planet's core. "Who are you and what have you done to my marefriend?" she demanded mockingly; though, a hint of genuine worry was evident in her tone.

Octavia laughed and waved her hoof dismissingly. "Come on, Vinyl, you can't spell 'sextet' without 'sex'."

A drop of sweat formed upon Vinyl's forehead. "Sextet means 'six', right?" she wondered weakly.

The cellist nodded with a broad smile.

"Um... Now that we're dating, you won't be doing this anymore..." She pondered for a moment. "Without me, that is. Okay?"

The cellist nodded with an even broader smile.

"Cool." The DJ relaxed visibly. "Wow. I mean, wow." She eyed her marefriend, who was lying on the small bed, smiling innocently. It's always the quiet ones, Vinyl, she reminded herself. It's always the quiet ones.

"Vinyl, before you try to elaborate on that statement," Octavia said, getting up and stretching her limbs, "I want to remind you that a crazy unicorn has recently suggested we help her and her marefriend to hijack this very ship!" she exclaimed, making Vinyl wince at the volume of her voice. It wasn't a big issue in bed, but right now she wished her marefriend were less loud.

"A sexy crazy unicorn, you got to admit," Vinyl corrected her mare with an indulgent smile.

"Well, yes," Octavia admitted defeat. "But, given the circumstances, it is the crazy part that we need to concentrate on."

Vinyl sighed. "Look, Tavi," she retorted, trying to take on the role of the Voice of Reason. "We might as well listen to what Lyra proposes, right? Just hear her out, and if we find it stupid or dangerous, we'll just leave her be." And I'll be left without a foursome, she added mentally, not without a hint of sadness.

Octavia held what seemed to Vinyl a dramatic pause, and finally hung her head with a sigh. "All right. You win." She glanced at the door. "Let's pay those two a visit."

***

"Now this will be the right door!"

Octavia facehoofed at her marefriend's determination as they stood before another plain wooden door, of which there were so many on the ship. Why didn't we ask Lyra and Bon-Bon for the number of their stateroom? the cellist wondered in retrospect.

"Lyyyyyrraaaaaa!!!" came a muffled yell from behind the door, and Vinyl beamed with a wide grin.

"There! I told you it would be the right door!" she exclaimed, enveloping the knob with her magic and turning it.

"Vinyl, honey, I don't think this is a very good idea..." Octavia mumbled, greatly perturbed by Bon Bon's cry. They must be arguing or-

The door opened, revealing two very red, hot and sweaty ponies, who were entwined in an almost-physically-impossible position. They were both panting heavily, and their eyes went wide upon seeing their two new acquaintances.

Or they were having sex. Octavia sighed. She should have known better.

Lyra's mouth fell agape and she tried to say something, but her throat emitted only a few irrecognisable sounds. Bon-Bon flushed entirely, on the verge of fainting.

Vinyl's grin grew even wider. She trotted into the room, unabashed. The DJ winked at her mare, then at Lyra and Bon-Bon.

"Mind if we join in?"

16. Do You Have a Plan, Lyra? Indeed, I Do Have a Plan!

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Sixteen

Do You Have a Plan, Lyra? Indeed, I Do Have a Plan!

***

"So, here's the plan."

The four mares sat in the small stateroom, Vinyl and Octavia expecting an elaboration from the mint unicorn, who still smelled heavily of sweat, despite having spent ten minutes in the shower with Bon-Bon. Vinyl assumed that they hadn't exactly been cleaning themselves.

"We have to neutralise the crew in order to achieve control over the ship," Lyra carried on, drawing a circle on a dirty piece of paper.

"And that diagram shows?" Vinyl wondered, not very knowledgeable in the field of figures and charts.

Lyra nodded. "Absolutely nothing." She drew a smaller circle nearby. "I just love drawing circles. Besides," the unicorn smirked, "every good plan should have a diagram or two."

She really knows her shit well, Vinyl mused. Not only one diagram - but two! The plan looked more and more promising to her.

"I am astonished by your diligence," Octavia said with a frown. Is this her first plan ever?

"Your sarcasm was so funny that I forgot to laugh," Lyra retorted grimly, visibly offended by such a vote of no confidence to her plan.

Vinyl glanced at her marefriend, then at the mint unicorn in worry. Mutual hatred could hinder a possible foursome, and that was a repercussion with which she could not put up. Nothing can hinder a foursome.

"Tavi, come on," Vinyl tried to play the voice of reason, slightly getting used to this new role. Not that she liked it, of course; but foursomes demanded urgent measures, and if that meant being the voice of reason, so be it. "If we want to seize this baby, we need to cooperate," the white unicorn said, her voice blooming with determination.

Octavia groaned in displeasure. "Vinyl, when you say 'seize this baby', I sense a distubingly high level of failure coming ahead." And she did; in fact, she hadn't agreed to anything yet. But Vinyl seemed so eager to participate in this dangerous and, to be honest, plainly idiotic, affair... For what possible reason, she couldn't deduce.

The DJ pouted. "Come on, Tavi, you know, I've managed to seize this baby pretty well," she retorted, pointing her hoof at the grey cellist, a smirk forming upon her lips, the one smirk Octavia could never resist. The grey mare leaned in and rested her head atop Vinyl's shoulder.

"That's sweet," she said, nuzzling her marefriend's soft fur gently. With a sigh, she admitted defeat. "All right, let's hear what Lyra has to say."

And Lyra had something to say, indeed. "You two gonna make out now?" she asked with a hint of hope in her voice, eyeing the two musical mares resting against each other peacefully.

"Why, I think that can-" Vinyl began, but, as expected, Octavia's hoof, the Saviour of Sanity, as the cellist liked to call it in her mind, pierced the air, connecting to the DJ's muzzle.

"-be arranged," the unicorn finished, rubbing her lips. Surprisingly enough, Bon-Bon immediately copied the motion, striking Lyra's mouth in the same righteous fashion. Octavia and Vinyl exchanged confused looks.

The mint unicorn rubbed her cheek. "What was that for, honey?" she wailed, casting a mild glare at her marefriend.

Bon-Bon shrugged and gave the unicorn an apologetic smile, nuzzling the stricken cheek. "Lyra, you know you deserved it." She exhaled. "You were being OOC. Again."

Vinyl blinked. 'OOC'? What's that mean? She glanced at Octavia, who seemed to be lost in contemplation, stroking her chin.

"Hmm, I like the way Bon-Bon thinks," she said finally, loud enough for Vinyl to hear, but not too loud, lest she be overheard by the pony in question or her marefriend.

Yes! Vinyl considered it a small victory; another step towards the glorious Foursome Summit, the place where all righteous souls could find salvation. The DJ considered establishing a new religion as soon as they've returned from this adventure of theirs. Well, at least she considered it an adventure. She had got exciting experiences, like meeting up with pirates, dropping a real bass, and rutting Octavia. If that couldn't qualify as an adventure, then she didn't know what could.

"Ahem, so." Lyra cleared her throat audibly, drawing the mares' attention. "The plan." She drew another circle, much to Vinyl's foalish delight and Octavia's displeased grunts. "In order to seize the ship, we need to disable the crew." She held a thoughful pause. "It sounded more elaborate in my head when I planned it," she admitted with a wistful sigh. Bon-Bon placed her hoof atop her mare's shoulder in a show of compassion.

"Ha!" Octavia exclaimed, pressing her hoof against the ground. "One more reason why your plotting is faulty." She turned to Vinyl for support, but the white unicorn just shook her head disapprovingly.

"Tavi, you can't attack ponies like that," the DJ reasoned. Besides, her 'plotting' is nice... "What are you, in heat?"

The cellist's face turned red as Lyra and Bon-Bon tried to suppress their respective snickers. "Vinyl!" she exclaimed, coughing fervently due to all the embarrassment she'd had to experience. The white unicorn just chuckled in what seemed to the cellist a menacing manner. She sighed. "All right, all right." The mare looked at Lyra. "How do you plan to 'disable' the crew, anyway?"

Lyra's face broke into a grin, making Octavia's blood freeze in her veins. "Well, you see," the mint unicorn began slowly, an idea crawling into her mind. "Although the crew consists of strong, muscular stallions who know hoof-to-hoof combat, we still have one advantage."

Octavia gulped. "And that is?"

Lyra grinned and spared the three mares a long gaze.

"We are all mares."

17. In Which Vinyl Learns a Bit About Music

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Seventeen

In Which Vinyl Learns a Bit About Music

***

"Please, do remind me, Vinyl, why in the wide wide world of Equestria have I agreed to this?"

Vinyl grunted, her flank itching. Still, she couldn't move: the closet was dark and cramped, and the two mares inside were pressed firmly against each other. Any other day, she would find it kinky, but right now they had a mission.

She peeked through the small opening in the door. All clear. "Because it is a good plan, Tavi." Yes, and because eventually, it will lead to a foursome.

"Why didn't I stay in the wonderful, cosy stateroom?" Octavia lamented, trying to throw her hooves in the air. Her attempt had been in vain, needless to say, for there wasn't enough space for a pony to barely shift, not to mention actually make a movement.

Vinyl's flank was itching. "Because Lyra's reasoning was fair." Because Lyra is so damn hot. Duh.

"You know, Vinyl..." Octavia frowned. Vinyl couldn't see it in the dark, but could pretty well feel it. "It seems to me that there is a different reason behind your blind acceptance of the plan."

You don't say. The DJ tried to reach for her flank to scratch it; to no avail. She grunted in displeasure. "What gives you the impression?" the mare wondered, trying to keep up a non-violent conversation with her marefriend. The fact that both of them could barely move was certainly helping with that endeavour.

Octavia shifted. "The way you were looking at Lyra's flank," she said bluntly. Vinyl gulped. It... It was *that** obvious, wasn't it?*

As if in reply to her thoughts, the cellist carried on gravely, "Don't deny it: it was obvious."

The DJ winced. The Striking Hoof of Justice [TM] was so painfully close, ready to punish the white unicorn. Moreover, her flank itched.

"Though, I have to admit, despite her attitude, she is rather sexy."

Wait, what? Vinyl blinked and looked at her cellist. Well, tried to, for the closet wasn't spacious enough for her to move a centimetre. This... Was it really Tavi who said this?!

"Who are you and what have you done to my marefriend?" the unicorn demanded, a little relaxed at the lack of upcoming punishment. Though, to think about it, she wouldn't mind getting punished...

"Well, it's not like I can't appreciate beauty," Octavia retorted with a slight blush.

All right, that's official. I'm calling this version of Tavi 'Octy'. Vinyl mentally nodded to herself. Yes, the uptight Tavi and the naughty Octy. Two griffins with one stone. To think about it, she didn't know how one could hit two griffins with one stone. Or a single grriffin, for that matter. They are so agile...

Vinyl's flank itched.

The DJ groaned and tried to reach for it with her hoof, but once again lacked the precious space to do so. "So, I can count on a possible foursome?" she wondered carefully, knowing she was in the safe as of now.

Octavia huffed. "Don't get your hopes high." She pondered for a moment. "Maybe."

Vinyl grinned. That was enough for her, for now.

Her flank itched.

Groaning, she decided on the best course of action: begging.

"Tavi, could you scratch my flank?" The DJ pouted, even though she knew her mare couldn't see her in the dark. "Puh-leese?"

Octavia raised a brow in surprise. "Vinyl, you know, we have just had sex recently." By Celestia's beard, she can be a real sex beast, the cellist mused. Not that it's a bad thing, of course...

The DJ let out a yelp of disagreement. "No, I mean just scratch my flank," she explained. "It itches and I can't reach it."

"You could've just used your telekinesis," Octavia reasoned but began to gently scratch Vinyl's posterior. Hehe, I'm *scratching Vinyl*, she giggled mentally. Like a DJ. "All right, that should sate that eighth-note flank of yours," she concluded, rubbing her mare's cutie mark.

"My what now?" Vinyl frowned in lack of understanding.

"You cutie mark." The cellist tapped her mare's soft flank. "The eighth notes?"

Vinyl shook her head. "Don't ring any bells, Tavi. I don't know shit about notes." She smirked. "You could say, I don't know shit about sheet music." The DJ grinned victoriously.

"Vinyl, you have just committed a pun," Octavia warned her mare. "And it was terrible." She chewed on her bottom lip. "You see, eighth notes are-"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." If Vinyl could wave her hoof, she would have already done so. "I really don't care, Tavi." She sighed, glancing outside. No sign of anypony. "Say, why do you have such a cutie mark?" she wondered, trying to keep up conversation. "I mean, that clef. I hear cello music is usually in that other clef."

"It's a treble clef, Vinyl," Octavia said chidingly. She sighed, vainly trying to rub her temples. Of course. No space. "This isn't going to be a 'share your cutie mark story with your marefriend' kind of thing, is it?" she mumbled. "It's pretty cliche."

Vinyl chuckled. "Come on, Tavi, it's not like we're some characters in a badly written novel." She suppressed a yawn. "There's no such thing as 'cliche'. Might as well hear your story."

Octavia sighed in defeat. She had sighed too much for one day. "Well, all right, given that you tell me your story afterwards." She pondered for a moment, thinking of how to begin her tale. "When I was a filly..." she started, but stopped abruptly upon hearing hooves clattering against the wooden floor.

Vinyl peeked outside. Two young stallions were approaching the closet; presumably, cabin colts. The DJ grinned, collecting herself before addressing her cellist in a determined tone.

"Here they come."

18. The Art of Seduction, By Octavia Philarmonica

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Eighteen

The Art of Seduction, By Octavia Philarmonica

***

"All right, Vinyl, let's do it." Octavia's eyes shone with determination as her mind began to play through a few foalproof plans to choose the one that would lead to indubitable success.

The DJ blushed in the darkness of the closet as the stallions outside approached the narrow corridor. "Do what, exactly?" she wondered, mentally cursing her ignorance. "I'm not sure what 'seduction' means."

Octavia raised her brow in surprise. "Vinyl, really? A hedgehog with half a brain knows that," she scolded her mare, visibly astonished that Vinyl didn't know about such a concept.

Vinyl tried to stroke her chin but was met with the crampness of the closet that prevented her from doing so. "You know, Tavi... Remember that hedgehog I launched from the toaster?" A groan from the cellist confirmed her assumption. "He was a smart fella but I doubt he knew that."

Octavia cleared her throat audibly, unable to put up with the unicorn's idiocy any more. "Anyway. Basically, you have to, well, play all sultry and make those stallions want you." She smiled. "I'd say you're quite the charmer; it should be easy for you."

Vinyl frowned, trying to shake her head in the cramped space. "But Tavi! I love only you - I don't want to, um, 'seduce' those stallions."

While Octavia's heart fluttered at the mentioning of such a sweet detail, she couldn't let the whole plan go to ruin due to Vinyl's devotion to her, especially given that it was she, Vinyl, who had persuaded her, Octavia, to take part in the whole ridiculous affair.

"Vinyl, honey, that's very sweet of you, but sometimes, you need to just... pretend?" she suggested, meeting her marefriend's blank look. "Um... lie?"

Vinyl blinked in embarrassment. "Tavi, you see, they disallowed me to lie, back then in court, remember?" she wondered, glancing through the small opening. The stallions were drawing nearer. "When they accused me of arson, police bribery, public indecency, Trotting Under Influence, identity theft and mind rape - the package deal?"

Octavia winced. Yes, she did remember the 'package deal' - moreso that she'd had to bring in all of her charm (and bits) to persuade the court against suing her 'law-abiding and totally harmless' friend. "Vinyl, they meant that you had to tell the truth only during the litigation!" the grey mare exclaimed, marvelling at her marefriend's obliviousness. And here I was, thinking that she has been honest due to her inner stupidity... she mused.

The cellist chewed on her bottom lip, pondering over her next words. "I hereby declare that you are allowed to pretend and/or lie any time you so desire."

"What?"

But of course. Octavia suppressed the urge to facehoof. It was Vinyl she had to deal with, after all. "I mean that you can lie any time you want, honey."

Vinyl's ears perked up. "Really?"

Octavia smiled warmly. "Really."

The DJ took a deep breath. "Tavi, you're fat, and ugly, and Celestia, I've never seen a more lousy mare when it comes down to rutting!" she yelled, drawing another breath.

For once in her life, Octavia's thoughts perfectly resembled her words. Both could be summarised as, "What?!"

The unicorn giggled. "Chill out, Tavi, I was lying." She nickered gleefully. "Damn, it feels good to lie, for a change."

The cellist groaned, her eye twitching. It was Vinyl's sheer luck that, due to little space, she was out of reach. Still, Octavia managed to nudge her marefriend on the flank. "Come on, mistress of deception. We have two stallions to seduce."

The narrow corridor seemed like a wide alley to both mares as they left the closet, panting, stretching their sole limbs and wishing they'd never end up in such a cramped space ever again. If we do, I might develop claustrophobia, Octavia mused. Vinyl would've certainly thought the same; if she knew the word 'claustrophobia', that is.

The stallions were almost identical, with their brown coats, and short black manes, and those ridiculous marine outfits. As they came across the musical mares, they stopped dead in their tracks, gasping. It didn't help that both Vinyl and Octavia were incredibly sweaty from having been locked up in the closet.

"Hi, boys~" Octavia called out, battering her eyelashes seductively. The stallions blushed fiercely, exchanging confused looks. Two youngsters, the cellist mused in content. I've got them over my hoof. "Is it just me or is it hot out here?" she wondered aloud, winking at the visibly astonished Vinyl.

"Um..." The stallion on the left glanced at his companion, sweating profusely.

Your turn, Octavia mouthed to her marefriend, who seemed to have taken the hint. The white mare looked around, desperately trying to gather her thoughts, when a sudden realisation dawned upon her.

She turned her back on the stallions, presenting her rump in a very saucy manner. "Oh my!" she exclaimed loudly, wiggling her flank in the air, pretending to be searching for something on the floor. "It seems that I have dropped my bass somewhere!"

Octavia giggled mentally. She's learning, she thought satisfactorily.

One of the stallions was on the verge of fainting. The other one was barely breathing.

"Why don't we... look for it in that wonderfully cosy closet over there?" Octavia gestured to the closet, and smiled, seeing one of the stallions nod weakly, and the other one yelp in agreement. Easy.

Taking the cabin colts to the closet had, indeed, been easy. Just as the oblivious stallions entered the dark space, Octavia lifted a broomstick and landed two precise blows on each of the two heads, adorned with silly marine caps. Vinyl gasped as the stallions collapsed on the spot.

The cellist huffed and closed the door, catching her mare's disapproving look.

"You know, we could've just talked to them. Told them the ship was heading to ruin, you know." Vinyl frowned. "Since when you're so rough, Tavi?"

"Since when are you the voice of reason in this relationship?" the cellist countered.

"You're rubbing off of me!" both mares exclaimed in perfect unison. Both blinked. And then, just as they realised what they'd said, both erupted in laughter.

Suddenly, the whole affair didn't seem half as desperate anymore.

19. Sex and Politics (a.k.a. You Can't Spell Marex Without Mare)

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Nineteen

Sex and Politics (a.k.a. You Can't Spell Marex Without Mare)

***

"So, who's been a naughty capitalist filly?"

Octavia approached the bed, her usual bow tie gone, her long mane combed neatly under a green cap, a red star adorning it. The cellist was cracking a whip, grinning widely at Vinyl, who was strapped to the bed, squirming under the pressure.

"I! I've been a naughty capitalist filly!" Vinyl shrieked, moaning in the expectation of the punishment.

"Have you been ripping off the ponies who got loans from you, you dirty bourgeois?" Octavia hissed, leaning in closer.

"Baby, profiteering is my middle name," the DJ whispered, immediately receiving a harsh slap on the cheek from her lover.

Wait... It actually hurts... But how can it hurt when it's obviously a-

Another slap woke her up completely. Vinyl jerked up, rubbing her eyes, seeing a very cheerful cellist standing before her.

"Wake up, sleepy-head~" With a satisfied smile, Octavia slammed the door to the closet, clapping her hooves in delight. "I really don't understand how you can drift off at such incovenient times." She turned towards her still sleepy marefriend, who, by now, had begun to inspect the narrow corridor.

"You could've just used wake-up sex on me, you know," the DJ said with a yawn. "Well, that makes six, right?" she asked the cellist, who nodded with a grin. Vinyl was slowly coming to the understanding of reality. "Dammit, Tavi, we've knocked out six stallions in ten minutes! Ain't that an Academy Record?" Vinyl was definitely satisfied with herself, even if she hadn't really participated in the last 'seduction'. The only thing that was troubling her was the recent change in her mare's attitude. On one hoof, Octavia had become more determined, and a great deal more smug, but on the other hoof...

"You know..." the grey mare leaned in to the DJ, her soft whisper falling onto the unicorn's ear. "We could go and set an 'academy record' of our own, in our room~" Octavia's tail swished against Vinyl's flank softly.

Okay, well, no 'on the other hoof', then, the white mare concluded. To hell with 'other hooves'. "Tavi?" she asked meekly, blushing a little as she reminisced her dream. "Could you... um..." She scratched the back of her head. "You know, play the role of a snarky communist?" Octavia blinked. "And I'll be a naughty capitalist!" Vinyl suggested. Octavia blinked. "You could punish me?" the unicorn suggested meekly.

"There you are!"

Lyra's voice caused Octavia to blink again and snap out of her Vinyl-evoked state of utter confusion. The mint unicorn and her mare appeared from around the corner, cheerful and... sweaty? Okay, I don't want to know, the cellist concluded. Ever.

"Hi, Lyra, hi, Bon-Bon!" Vinyl waved her hoof in the air, grinning at the mares. "Any luck so far?"

Lyra equipped a smug look. "Four stallions down, two to go." She winked at the cream-coloured mare, who smiled shyly. "And we even had some time for a vertical jingle-jangle!"

Vertical... jingle... jangle? Octavia groaned quietly. Keep calm, Octavia. Keep calm and don't strangle random ponies.

The DJ shrugged. "Nah, me and Tavi prefer the sideways hokey-pokey."

Sideways... hokey... pokey... The grey mare's eye twitched. No, Octavia. No. Don't kill Vinyl... yet. You'll need her, for now.

Lyra nodded in understanding. "True, sideways hokey-pokey is nice, but-"

"What the hay?!" Octavia exclaimed, interrupting the mint unicorn before her tender brain would be broken beyond repair. She turned towards her marefriend, glaring at her in irritation. "First, it's 'Tavi and I', and second-" she began, but her marefriend cut her off swiftly.

"It's 'firstly', Tavi," she corrected the cellist meekly. "Not 'first'."

Octavia blinked again in silence. A few more blinks, and she'd pretty much have covered her daily blinking norm. "You... corrected me."

Vinyl gulped, looking at Lyra and Bon-Bon for help; however, the mares had already backed down in fear of losing a few essential limbs in the wake of the cellist's fury. "Y-yes?" the white mare squeaked.

"You. Corrected. Me." Octavia shifted closer to her DJ, painfully slowly, her shadow falling upon the cowering figure of the white unicorn.

"It's not my fault, Tavi!" Vinyl protested weakly. "Your grammar nazism is contagious!" She pondered for a moment. "Actually, make it grammar communism," she amended herself. "You'd look really hot as a commie, you know?"

There. Octavia had officially broken her daily norm of blinking. She couldn't even find any decent words in her vocabulary to express her extreme puzzlement.

"I'm with you here," Lyra said approvingly, immediately receiving a punishing slap from her mare. As she turned towards the cream-coloured earth pony, Bon-Bon glanced at her apologetically and opened her mouth to explain herself. "I know, I know." The mint unicorn sighed. "OOC, again."

Bon-Bon nodded. "So, how about you two?"

Vinyl beamed with a proud smile, happy about the sudden change of topic. "Six outta six!"

Lyra nodded approvingly. "Good, that leaves..." She turned to Bon-Bon. "The captain and the lieutenant, right?"

The cream-coloured mare nodded. "Yes, honey."

"So, now, we have to get to the deck cabin, right?" Octavia clarified. Receiving nods from the free mares, she sighed deeply and braced herself.

"All right, let's do it."

20. The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions and Bad Puns

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Twenty

The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions and Bad Puns

***

Vinyl eyed the wooden door with determination. That was it. The final frontier. The last boundary between their current forsaken position and a nice evening in Manehattan with her marefriend and, by extension, Lyra and Bon-Bon.

"So, we gonna do it or what?" Vinyl asked the mares around her and, receiving approving nods, held her breath for a moment, determination building up inside her. For the foursome.

Without knocking, the white mare threw the door open, entering the small deck cabin. She was instantly met with the sight of shelves filled with various books, none of which seemed to have ever had been opened, not to mention actually read. Though, I suppose, captains don't read books, Vinyl mused. They're too busy... captaining. Doing captain-y stuff. Like smoking pipes and drinking rum.

Thinking about rum made Vinyl sombre and wistful. Her whole body craved to consume the flamy, burning liquid. She could almost feel the rum sliding down her throat, forming a warm, pleasant environment inside her belly... Dear Celestia, I'm addicted. Vinyl sighed. Great, now I'm addicted both to sex *and** rum. Hope Tavi will never know.*

"May I help you, ma'am?" The voice belonged to a gruff stallion, his coat a dirty brown, his mane greying with age. He was puffing on a pipe as he sat at a small wooden desk filled with maps, papers and something-or-the-other that Vinyl couldn't recognise due to her lack of a degree in marine science. If there ever was such a degree.

This must be the captain, Vinyl assumed, proud of her Sherclop-Pones-tier deduction powers. Or was it induction? One way or another, Sherclop Pones was certainly wallowing in whatever detectives wallow, in the wake of his being outshone by such intellectual brilliance.

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact-" Vinyl began, but was cut short by Lyra, Octavia and Bon-Bon all sliding into the room, right after a very peculiar stallion. His right fronthoof was identical to his right hindhoof in the way that both were absent, replaced with wooden prosthetics. His right eye was also covered with an eyepatch; and, to complete the picture, his right ear seemed to be missing.

"Lieutenant Hay reporting, sir!" Lieutenant... Hay? Vinyl thought with a snicker. Well, if my parents had named me that, I'd have run off to enlist in the Navy as well. "I have found that our whole crew-"

"More like, 'Left-tenant'," Vinyl snickered, making the stallion turn towards her sharply.

"Yes, that is my rank," the lieutenant bellowed, making Octavia and Bon-Bon flinch and take a few precautious steps back.

"No, I..." Vinyl stammered, not noticing the desperate waving of hooves coming from her marefriend and potential sexual partners. "I mean, you've got, like, only the left of your body, right? So, that's, like, a pun..." she finished lamely. Yeah... It sounded better in my mind. Actually, to think about it, everything sounded better in her mind. Even Octavia's moans of passion during love-making. Vinyl made a mental note to talk about it with her mare. Or a psychiatrist.

"I lost my limbs in the Great Griffin War," Lieutenant Hay remarked grimly. "It's no subject of jokes."

Vinyl began to realise, slowly but steadily, that it was high time she apologised; and also retreated back to her room, for the lieutenant had noticed their little affair, and the knowledge of who had done it would soon reach him, one way or another. Also, he didn't look like a stallion to be either seduced or knocked out. The overall gruffy-ness (if gruffy-ness was the word Vinyl wanted) of the stallion could get him a medal. Actually, he probably had one. Or a few, given that he'd participated in a war...

"I'm sorry, man," Vinyl amended. "What I mean is, you're all right..." Damn! The stallion's glare hardened. "I mean, I'm sorry that that's all what's left of you..." Damn! Damn damn damn! The stallion was glaring daggers at Vinyl. She looked hopelessly at her slowly paling marefriend. "Sorry, I'm sorry, man! See, I'm not very righteous..."

***

"You know, on second thoughts, this was a bad idea."

"Of course it was!" Octavia yelled, balancing on the narrow wooden plank. "We were made to walk the yard because of your stupidity!" The sea beneath the plank growled menacingly, with only the tip of the plank on board, held in place by the grim lieutenant. Lyra and Bon-Bon were cowering next to the musical mares, on the edge, water licking at their hooves.

"Jeez, Tavi, are those your final words?" Vinyl pouted. "I'd like to get a 'love ya, babe' before getting eaten by the sharks!"

"If the sharks don't kill you, I will." Octavia glared at her marefriend.

"T-the sharks?" Bon-Bon stammered, hugging Lyra tightly.

"Yes, the sharks." The lieutenant frowned. "Let's see what will be left of you after they get a taste."

Damn, he's plainly evil, Vinyl thought in irritation. Also, he's utilising pirates' methods without being a pirate! That should count as breaking copyright or something! As evident, Vinyl's knowledge in Law was just as limited as her knowledge in anything apart from DJing, having sex with Octavia and drinking rum.

The lieutenant tapped on the plank, making it wobble. Bon-Bon shrieked.

A sound of a gunshot pierced the air. The lieutenant fell down.

Bon-Bon shrieked. Octavia felt her blood run cold. Out of the corner, a familiar pony came onto the deck. The stallion was wearing a black garment, a triangular cap barely covering his crimson-red mane. Smiling at the mares, the red-bearded unicorn revealed a set of golden teeth. Vinyl squeed upon seeing a parrot on his shoulder.

"Me name's Cap'n Jeffrey, ladies, iff'n ye forget, and me and me parrot's come to save ye."

The Epilogue. All's Well That Ends Well, Except It Doesn't

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

The Epilogue

All's Well That Ends Well, Except It Doesn't

***

The tea had long lost its desired temperature as Octavia brought the cup to her lips. The old paraffin heater did its job wonderfully.

"Tavi, please, can I stop?" Vinyl whined, sweat dripping from her brow. The heater was so close, so painfully close that she could swear she almost felt her fur on fire.

The cellist took a small sip of the tea, slowly placing it back onto the table. "No, Vinyl. It has been almost a month, and you've only got to nine thousand."

"Nine thousand and ten!" the DJ retorted, shifting uneasily on the chair, the ropes binding her to the wooden object, the heater maliciously directed, as it seemed, straight at her poor body. "Can you at least turn off the heater?! It's summer!"

The cellist just shook her head calmly. "Oh, but you just like the tropics, don't you, dear? Come on, a thousand more."

"Do you really have to do this?" Bon-Bon asked, her eyes sympathetic and gentle as she took in the sight of Vinyl tied to the chair, made to pay for her past sins.

"Yeah, at first, that seemed kind of, well, kinky, but that's too much," Lyra agreed, chewing on a biscuit. She waved her hand before Bon-Bon's face immediately. "Not that I have eyes for any other flank than yours, Bonnie."

The cream-coloured mare scowled. "That... shows."

"I won't drag my marefriend to a secluded island ever again I won't drag my marefriend to a secluded island ever again I won't drag my marefriend to a secluded island ever again I won't drag my marefriend to a secluded island ever again-" Vinyl chanted, the heat making it unbearable. "I won't drag my marefriend to a secluded island ever again Tavi I need a break please Ireallyneedtopee!"

With a sigh, Octavia untied the ropes, without taking off the horn ring that prevented Vinyl from using her magic. That definitely was one of the best investments in sex shop attire they'd made. Well, that, and Sir Morning Glory. Sure, on one hoof, the whole "island adventure" had been benefitial, if only because it brought the two mares closer (as well as introduced them to Lyra and Bon-Bon, who seemed to frequent their flat quite often), but on the other hoof...

The trip home had been short, despite Vinyl's attempts to give in to the pirates' persuasion and "go adven't'ring them seas, arr!" Instead, the mares promised Jeffrey that they owed him; and that particular promise didn't really please Octavia that much. Of course, the pirate captain could never call for that.

Vinyl returned, a look of sheer delight on her face. "You know," she addressed the mares sitting at the round table in the small kitchen, "I used to think that orgasm was the highest tier of exctasy. Bullshit. Being able to pee after half a day of not peeing is the top tier."

"Yes, quite," Lyra called out, sipping on her tea in what seemed like a polite and high-class manner.

Octavia groaned and buried her face in her hooves. The things I have to put up with... "Vinyl, nine hundred more."

The unicorn sighed, and almost reached the chair when the doorbell rang and interrupted her pathway to hell. "Celestia, thank you for doorbells!" the unicorn called out to the heavens, trotting to get the door. Musing whether she should add the doorbell to the pantheon of gods, next to Celestia, Luna and Rum, she opened the door.

"Good afternoon." The black stallion was wearing a similarly-coloured suit, and, to Vinyl's amusement, had a jet-black mane and an abyss-black suitcase. If there was any difference between jet-black and abyss-black, that is. There was not. Celestia, that's one black guy, the DJ thought, immediately frowning. No, Vinyl! That's racist! ...Although I don't get why it is so. After all, calling a black pony black was pretty normal.

"Yes?" the DJ replied, immediately feeling uncomfortable in the presence of such a, well, presentable pony. It must be hot for him in such a suit. I wonder how he's not sweaty yet. She gave the stallion a look-over. "Mmm, sweaty. I'd bang him if I weren't lesbian."

"Beg your pardon?" The stallion raised his brow.

Vinyl gulped, making a poker face. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

The stallion cleared his throat. "Anyway, I am here on behalf of Mr Jeffrey McCraken, the proprietor of Shipping Inc." He handed out a card that, indeed, read, Jeffrey McCraken, Shipping Inc. We'll ship even what the others won't ship! Shipping is our life!

So much shipping... Vinyl felt a touch of deja vu at the name. "Um... This Jeffrey McCraken... Is he connected to Jeffrey 'The Kraken', the pirate captain?" she wondered innocently.

The stallion paled, making a contrast to his usually black exterior, taking a swift look around. "Not so loud!" he hissed. "Mr McCraken is an entrepreneur. His past is in the past." He frowned and nodded grimly, as if to make a point.

Octavia trotted silently towards the doorway. "Vinyl? Do I hear the name 'Jeffrey'?" she wondered cautiously.

The stallions sighed. "Yes. My employer, Mr Jeffrey McCraken, whom you know as..." He lowered his voice. "Jeffrey 'The Kraken', has decided to call in that favour you four owe him."

"The four of us?" Lyra's voice reached from the kitchen. "That scumbag of a pirate! I would have hijacked that ship to take us home anyway!"

"Am I really that loud?" the stallion lamented.

"Your wife must be proud," Vinyl mumbled. "Or not."

"Tell Mr... McCraken that we will arrive at his office tomorrow." Octavia took down the address and closed the door, exhaling sofly.

"So..." Vinyl began carefully. "I don't need to hit ten thousand any more?"

Octavia shook her head, following her marefriend into the kitchen, where their friends waited for them, Lyra's expression bright and expecting, Bon-Bon's look more of mortal despair. "I hate to be the one to break the news," Octavia began, chewing on her lip. "But, well..." She sighed.

"It seems we are going on an adventure."

~The End~

8. Ponies Be A-Drinkin'

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Eight

Ponies Be A-Drinkin'

***

"No shit."

Octavia sighed with a sombre grunt as her marefriend decided to sum up the whole experience of the past few minutes in a couple of words. If Octavia was the one to speak, she would say that the trip aboard had been far from pleasant: the salty waves of the ocean had ruined her mane and made her coat itch in most inconvenient places. Moreover, the ship itself (or 'herself', as the pirates' captain would have said) was far from being cosy: the dirty upper deck full of pirates (none of whom missed the opportunity to whistle at the two mares) led to a cramped kitchen, which, as it seemed, served as the dining room, and the cook's bedroom at that. Before them stood a wooden table, overcramped with empty bottles.

Yes, 'no shit' sounds like a good summary of the situation, the cellist mused, eyeing the cook's hammock with disgust. However, it seemed that Vinyl had other ideas in mind.

"That's so damn awesome!" she exclaimed, her eyes shining with awe and passion. "You've got a real pirate ship, with all the dirty scum, and pirates, and rum!" She turned towards the red-bearded pirate, who had a mixed look of embarrassment and pride on his face, topped with a hint of confusion. Apparently, he had never been praised in such a way before, not to mention so genuinely.

"Arr, that be nothin'," the captain replied, throwing the bottles off the table with a swift hoof motion. "Let us be drinkin'!" he announced, levitating a couple of bottles of rum onto the table.

Wondering how the pirate managed to use such a high-polluted phrase as 'Let us' and nausea-evoking grammar mistakes in one sentence, Octavia sighed and admitted that, in any way, she had to put up with it, at least for the time being.

Vinyl, on the other hoof, didn't seem perturbed in the slightest. Casting an estimating glance at the nearest bottle, she shrugged. "You call that rum?" she addressed the captain dismissively. "My horn's harder than that stuff!"

Octavia raised a brow. The joke was lost on her: apparently, Vinyl's horn was harder than any kind of alcohol. 'Cause horns were hard... like horns. Dammit, did Vinyl's stupidity and vocabulary issues pass on to me through kissing? she thought with a grunt and sat down at the wooden table next to her marefriend, opposite the pirate, whose face broke into a frown.

"Yer be drinkin', both of you," he confirmed, receiving an eager nod from the white unicorn and a weak admitting sigh from the grey earth pony. "Then I be needin' help of me cook 'ere."

Wincing at such a disgusting disregard towards grammar and pronunciation, Octavia looked at her marefriend, who nodded with a shrug. "Sure, that would be only fair."

The captain whistled loudly, eliciting a gasp of admiration from Vinyl, and immediately, a white earth pony rushed in from the outside, his black mane falling freely from underneath his white cap.

Calling him a pony would certainly have been a severe understatement. That... being was roughly twice the captain's size: his sole leg was bigger than Octavia's head! Or Vinyl's ego, the grey pony thought with a chukle. Still, it was obvious that... he could consume all the rum that has ever existed, and still feel fresh as a morning daisy. If pirates could ever feel as a morning daisies, that is. They surely didn't smell like ones.

Moreover, Octavia wasn't sure if it was morning. The dim round window didn't let any natural light in, and the single candle was the only source that was nurturing the cellist's vision.

"So, we begin!" the captain announced, placing a full bottle before each pony.

Octavia frowned. "May I have a glass?" she addressed the pirates, having no desire to fall so low as to drink straight from the bottle.

The captain's face broke into a frown, and the cook looked like he was ready to stomp Octavia to death with his own hooves. Which he was, to think about it.

Vinyl chuckled uneasily. "Hehe... Tavi here just be jokin', mateys!" she addressed the pirates in her new 'awesome pirate-y' accent, immediately whispering into her marefriend's ear, "Are you crazy? Asking for a glass? What next?" She frowned. "A handkerchief?!"

Actually, a handkerchief sounds like a good idea, given how dirty these bottles are... Octavia thought, but decided to keep her frivolous ideas to herself.

The corks shot open, and the game began.

***

"And he said no! No, he said, yer be gettin' a ship!"

Vinyl nodded sympathetically as the captain cried into his beard.

"Yer ain't getting no doll, sonny, he said!" the pirate cleared his nose audibly. "I were jes' a lil' colt back then! I didn't want no ship!" he exclaimed, hitting his hoof against the table. "I wanted a doll!"

Vinyl shed a tear, and Octavia noticed, not without confusion, that it was a genuine show of sympathy.

"I so feel your pain, bro!" Vinyl exclaimed with a hiccup. "When I was a little filly, I wanted a gun, but my folks bought me a dress! A Celestia-damn dress!" Now it was Vinyl's turn to hit the poor piece of furniture.

Wait, what?! Octavia blinked, taking another gulp of rum. A *gun*?! The cellist pondered for a moment. ...You don't want to know, Octavia, she told herself. Not ever.

She downed her third (fourth? fifth?) bottle and tapped her hoof against the table gently. "Excuse me? I'm done."

"And they said, no, you won't be shooting ponies in the streets like Colt Eastwood, you'll be-"

"I'm done." Octavia cleared her throat audibly, commanding the drunk ponies' attention.

The captain looked at her, then at Vinyl, then at the cook, who, surprisingly enough, had falled asleep after consuming the first botte. Either his alcohol tolerance was low, or he'd had a hectic night shift. Octavia assumed the latter.

"How much has she had?" the pirate asked gravely, even his accent vanishing in the wake of astonishment.

"Three, I believe," Octavia replied, wiping her mouth with a hoof. A handkerchief would come in handy right now...

"Tavi, you super-awesome pony!" Vinyl yelled happily, jumping up and hitting her head against the low ceiling. This, however, did not ease her vigour. "I've had only one, and the cap'n here one and a half!" She threw her front legs around Octavia's neck, almost strangling the poor mare. "You've won!"

"Let... me... go..." the cellist managed to let out before Vinyl realised that it was not a very bright idea to kill her marefriend in a drunken show of affection and let go of her.

Sensing that the phrase was addressed to him, or just being grim due to his failure (or his father's past rejection to buy him a doll, a fact that Octavia still couldn't put a hoof on), the captain barked, "Sure, you be free t' go. All accordin' t' the Codex."

It's funny how his accent is different every time he speaks, Octavia mused. "Mr. Captain?" she called out.

"Jeffrey," the pirate interrupted her. "Me name's Jeffrey."

The cellist blinked, exchanging a confused look with her mare. "Um... Jeffrey? Could you take us to the nearest Equestrian port?" she asked, hoping that the pirate would oblige.

He did not. On the contrary, he stood up and glared at the mares, making them shrink visibly. "Yer be askin' me t' take two ground rats like you on my ship?!" he roared. "Not t' mention there's no coin in me for this!" He stomped his hoof against the floor. "G't out, you two!"

Needless to say, the mares obliged dearly and trotted away at a fast pace, the captain's muffled moans (something along the lines of 'I jes' wanted a doll!' and 'I'd be brushin' 'er mane ev'ry day!') reaching their ears up to the moment they reached the island.

Swimming was never Vinyl's forte (among many other things, including thinking, manners, and vocabulary), and, given her drunken state, she fell onto the warm sand. The sun was already rising, but the white pony wanted nothing more than to hit the hay, or, given the circumstances, hit the sand (Weak puns! *hic* For the win! *hic*) and have a good sleep. But before that, she needed to know one thing.

"Tavi?"

"Mmhm?"

The DJ rolled over, facing her mare, who was lying next to her, smiling widely. "How come you've drunk so much and aren't drunk at all?"

"Well..." Octavia winked. "You do not sniff the bottle before you drink, Vinyl?"

"No, of course." Vinyl shook her head. "I just drink what's inside."

"Well, it's good that the cook obviously has a particular fondness for rum, and presumably at night, when the crew's asleep..." The grey pony's face broke into a huge grin.

Vinyl frowned. "I don't get it, Tavi. Modern Equestrian, please."

The cellist sighed and tapped her mare's head with her hoof. "Vinyl, the bottles I've drunk were filled with water. The cook's drunk the rum and refilled them with water, hoping that nopony would notice."

Vinyl lay in silence for a few moments, processing the information. "Tavi," she said slowly. "You're a genius. And I love you so much. You know that I'm very drunk right now, but I love you so very much right now." She looked at the smilling cellist. "If I said that I wanted you... As in, I wanted you, right here, right now... What would you say?"

The cellist blushed and looked at the rising sun. "Well..." she drew a circle on the sand with her hoof. She turned towards Vinyl and leaned in, so that her breath was falling onto the unicorn's ear.

"I certainly wouldn't object."

11. When Unsure What to Do, Have Sex! - The Answer to Life, the Universe, And Everything, As Told by Vinyl Scratch

An Island, Two Mares and a Bottle of Rum

Chapter Eleven

When Unsure What to Do, Have Sex! - The Answer to Life, the Universe, And Everything, As Told by Vinyl Scratch

***

Octavia took a sip of the warm liquid, savouring it as she cradled the glass in her hooves. The mulled wine tasted good, and she was thankful to the crew for accepting them and giving them a small, yet separate, stateroom on the ship. She glanced at Vinyl, who was drinking the liquor straight from the bottle in fast, fervent gulps.

The cellist sighed. "Vinyl, it's mull wine. You're supposed to drink it in small portions to get warm."

The DJ raised a hoof, symbolising her desire to finish the bottle. And so she did, putting the sad empty vial onto the small table cramped with maps and, for some reason, napkins. "Bullshit, Tavi. It's already hot as hell here, why'd we need to warm up?" She stroked her chin philosophically. "All booze is made for getting drunk."

"Vinyl, honey, you could at least be grateful to the wonderful ponies here who allowed us to stay aboard till we reach the nearest port," the grey mare said with a sigh, glancing at the half-empty glass in her hooves. Or was it half full? She could never get it right.

"Too drunk to get long phrases!" Vinyl shrugged, downing the bottle and letting out an earth-splitting, montain-shattering burp that caused Octavia to wince painfully in the wake of the terrible sound.

"Vinyl, that's disgusting and quite disturbing!" the cellist chided her marefriend, moving away slightly, lest the DJ's poisonous and foul breath touch upon her coat. Maybe it could deplete one's cells - who knows? Octavia sure as hay didn't want to be the one to check it.

"Tavi, that's more than three syll- sylla-" The white unicorn raised her hoof, clearing her throat dramatically. "Syl-la-bles. There!" she grinned, taking a clumsy bow. "Thank you, thank you. Where's my prize?"

"Oh, I would be ever so glad to deliver it..." Octavia frowned and dished out a swift punch to the white mare's gut, keeping her face straight and devoid of emotion. One might say she outshone the very Marehammed Ali at this particular show of raw power. Vinyl, for one, could certainly feel it as she rubbed the hit spot with a pained grimace.

"Ow, Tavi, you could've just, y'know, kissed me or something?" the unicorn suggested, however, still moving away from her mare a few centimetres. Just in case. "A 'warning' sex would be fine too..."

"Vinyl, there's no such thing as 'warning' sex." Octavia glared at her marefriend, unable to reach her physically anymore, unfortunately; or, fortunately, depending on the perspective.

"You can't say till you try it!"

Okay, now some may say that ponies hooves cannot extend to the degree rubber can, but Octavia was the one to prove otherwise, for her striking hoof of justice [TM] extended firmly and resolutely, developing a mighty fine blow that made the white offender wince  and rub her forehead with a pained 'ow'.

"That's domestic violence, Tavi!" Vinyl exclaimed, occupying a safe position in the corner of the room, even though she was sure that the grey mare could reach even there if she wanted to. "I'm gonna report you to the police!"

"Oh yeah?" Octavia raised her brow. "Then this..." She brushed her tail against her flank, slapping it with her hoof. "Will be forever off your limits~" she concluded in a sing-song voice, smiling at the embarrassed DJ.

"You really know how to get me going, don't you?" Vinyl pouted, rubbing her forehead, even though it didn't hurt anymore.

The cellist's expression softened and she opened her forelegs in an embrace. "Come here, you silly pony, I'll blow where it hurts."

Vinyl shifted closer, feeling the tiny breeze created by the grey mare's lips. Soon, the blowing changed into small kisses around her horn, and then the kisses made their (highly arousing) way from the bottom of the horn to the top, and back. "Mmm, Tavi, you know, 'blowing' has more than one meaning~" Vinyl moaned, grinning with her eyes close.

"Vinyl, honey, I still can kick your arse~" Octavia cooed in the same sing-song voice, stopping her tending to the white mare for a second.

"Anything to hear you say 'arse' again, in that sexy tone of yours..." the DJ mumbled, relaxing instantly.

Suddenly, Octavia stopped with a sigh. Vinyl opened her eyes, only to see her marefriend's face torn in a painful grimace. "Anything wrong, Tavi?" she wondered carefully.

"Yes," the cellist admitted, hanging her head low. "As a matter of fact, everything has been wrong so far. Everything has been wrong since you lured me to that Celestia-damn cruise." She frowned, leaning back. "On the other hoof..." She let out a weak chuckle. "I would have never recognised my feelings for you, were it not for the cruise."

Vinyl nodded slowly. "I could say something comforting, Tavi, but I'm afraid to blow it," she admitted reluctantly, looking into her mare's beautiful lavender eyes.

To her relief, the cellist only laughed, embracing the white mare in a soft hug. "That's all right, Vinyl. You are not the brightest pony, but I love you dearly." She smiled, planting a soft kiss on her mare's lips. "Say, could you get to the on-board restaurant and get us something harder to drink? I believe that I'm in an... 'appropriate' mood." She winked at the beaming Vinyl.

"Yessir! That's something I'm good at!" the DJ yelled out, giving a mocking salute to her marefriend before setting off to complete her quest.

Octavia sighed and leaned back again, closing her eyes. Suddenly, Vinyl's voice reached her ears, coming from the corridor. "Hey, don't get started without me!"

"Vinyl!"