The Sword of Legend! Is it actually worth it?
Daring Do and the Quest for Excalibur
by Dirty Bit
Finally, after countless days of travel and fending off hired mercenaries, Daring Do finally noticed the large mountainous region in the distance from the cliff she stood on, flowing waterfall and all. She smiled to herself, remembering exactly what was awaiting her from a mysterious book she uncovered from the Royal Library in Canterlot.
Looming inside the vast landscape was depicted in the book as a legendary sword known as Excalibur, also called the Holy Sword. The one who pulls the sword from the ground, and frees it, will be named a hero and be extolled forever. There was only a few times in her life that the famous adventurer had ever been called a hero, but this particular item could be sure to seal the deal. Whether she would donate the sword to a museum or keep it for herself would be a thought to ignore for now. She unfurled her wings with her signature eager smile as she narrowed her eyes 'That sword's as good as mine!' With nothing holding her back, Daring Do galloped to the edge of the cliff and leaped into the air as she flew towards the mountain.
When she landed at the mountain's base, she looked up to see it flowing with a waterfall with a calculating gaze "Hmm...According to the book, there should be a cave if I'm to scale up this certain area." She muttered to herself as she decided to lift herself in the air once more to keep an eye on any possible opening. To her luck, she noticed an opening with a watered path straight ahead as if somepony had taken refuge and decided to roll out a red carpet for any visitors. Skeptical about the flowing water, she chose to glide further inside as her surroundings faded in brightness, with only a faint glow from the setting sun behind her, and a strange presence ahead of her.
Daring Do got a better look at said presence and distinguished its features as it neared her: A small, glowing bipedal figure with fluttering gossamer wings, two sets of antennae, and a smile on her face. She wore a grey hat and a white dress while she stared back at the famous adventurer with blue eyes "Oh, hello there!"
Now Daring Do may have seen many strange things in her line of work, but this one takes the cake. She has not come across even a detailed picture of this creature in her notes or any book she researched on. She got a good look at her shining appearance and her fluttering wings and decided to take a shot in the dark with her mythical knowledge "Say...Are you a fairy?" The famous adventurer hoped she was correct, considering this creature shared similar traits to the fairies she was familiar with in the lore she had studied. She was satisfied when she got a nod in response and smiled "Great! It's nice to see you and all, but...Do you know where I can find the Holy Sword Excalibur? Is it inside this cave, by any chance?" She asked politely with an inquisitive glance.
A straight answer was expected after the small moment of pause from the fairy, but all she did was shift her eyes to the right while her face scrunched up into that of sheer disdain and disgust. It was as if she had looked into the Lost Ark and somehow managed to survive. She replied with a reluctant "Uh-huh..." and flew off, leaving a confused Daring Do in her wake.
The famous adventurer arched an eyebrow at this 'That was just weird...Does this fairy get negatively affected whenever Excalibur is mentioned? Is the sword cursed?' Her thoughts were all the more reason to venture deeper and examine the ancient relic for herself as she flew further inside of the cave. She only hoped to actually find a sword and not get hoodwinked or lured into another trap like some of her previous adventures.
As she progressed, a trace of light was spotted up ahead, and Daring Do managed to make out a vast area lit up with a brilliant light that contained a lone item sitting in the middle of the ground. She grinned, knowing that this was the exact item she was looking for when she noticed the glorious golden hilt and the seemingly flawless blade trailing downward.
Daring Do had found Excalibur.
She flew towards the sword and landed in front of it, inspecting it with a cautious aura under the impression that there could be hidden traps if she ever decided to do anything rash. Daring Do admired the craftsmanship of the blade upon first glance. Whoever went out of their way to forge this must be the first hero ever known in Equestria. A part of her even wondered if Celestia herself had used such a blade. Thinking she wasted enough time gawking, she slowly and carefully leaned forward while she opened her mouth 'Gotta be careful with this one...It could seem flawless in appearance, but it could be booby trapped or hard to pull out...' When her teeth touched the hilt, she lifted her head along with the sword, and surprisingly pulled it out without any needed effort.
She examined the blade resting in her teeth and hummed in confusion 'That doesn't make any sense! Shouldn't it be hard for anypony wanting to pull this thing? I figured this sword would've taken the strongest being alive to take it out! Or...was I destined to pull this out somehow?' She canceled out her last thought, figuring she was sounding pretentious, but Daring Do was confused about this small feat nonetheless. It was as if this were a planned ruse...
"Welcome, adventurer!!" A masculine voice boomed out of nowhere.
Daring Do instantly darted her head around with narrowed eyes 'Horseapples!! This WAS a trap, wasn't it!?' She braced herself for any attack, but did not expect the sword to suddenly glow, causing her to clench her eyes shut when the light grew too intense for her. When the light began to fade, Daring Do noticed that her teeth was not gripping the sword at all as she looked down at her muzzle 'But-...But it was right there! What happened to it!?' A thought then occured to her. There was a blinding light, followed by Excalibur vanishing from her grip. No doubt an advanced light spell and teleportation spell triggered by unicorn magic. There always had to be that ONE pony that would follow her into a deep ruin to steal a valuable relic under her nose, or in this case her teeth. She looked around to see that nothing was amiss, but the famous adventurer was beyond annoyed "What in the name of Tartarus is going on here!? Who are you!? Show yourself! Where is Excali-HUH!?"
Standing in front of the bewitched Daring Do was yet another strange sight that stared back with a large black eye. It was another small bipedal figure, only this one was white from head-to-toe, as if it were some kind of ghost. But what ghost would wear the biggest top hat, have a long curved nose, and wear a doily as a part of its suit? What seemed more awkward was that its hind legs did not match its tiny arms while one of said arms held a fine cane. If it did not look too goofy to Daring Do, it could be considered to be another epitome of class from ages past.
The silence in the room could be cut with a knife as the two stared at each other. After Daring Do ended the impromptu staring contest with a single blink, she decided to break the ice with a tilted head "What ARE you?"
The creature grunted and shifted its head forward as it pointed its cane at Daring Do's face "The better question is who are you, madam? What name do you go by?" He spoke in the same masculine voice Daring Do had heard earlier. This only raises further suspicion.
Daring Do cleared her throat and decided to introduce herself for the sake of getting answers "If you must know, my name is Da-"
"Fool!"
That was unexpected. Daring Do stared at the creature after his sudden outburst and huffed at the sudden insult "I don't know where 'fool' came from, especially since I happen to have several degrees in history! I'm even an esteemed archaeologist scouring Equestria for ancient relics and lost secre-"
"Fool!"
Daring Do narrowed her eyes at the creature "Look, pal, I'm trying to introduce myself to you! Unless you wanna go first, then why won't you let me finish?" She snapped irritably.
The creature drew back his cane and balanced it on his tiny hand "I already know the sole reason you came here. That and many other things! Allow me to show you something..." The creature then turned his back on Daring Do and began to waddle away.
Daring Do craned her head back, skeptical on how to approach this situation with how obviously erratic it has become with the appearance of this obnoxious creature. She went to go follow him...
Only to have her muzzle bump into the end of a pointed cane.
The creature stopped and faced Daring Do as his cane was pointed again "Would you like to hear my legend? The heroic tale of my past?"
Daring Do blinked, wondering if this creature's history was somehow tied to that of Excalibur. With a curt nod, she replied "Sure. I'd love to hear your-"
The creature shook his cane slightly "What's your favorite food to eat in the summer?" He asked with what seemed to be genuine curiosity in his voice.
Daring Do was instantly stumped "What? Forget the question! You were going to tell me your sto-"
"Fool!"
The famous adventurer was starting to get aggravated as the pale creature continued to press more of her buttons. He spoke further "Questions are meant to be answered! So what is your favorite food to eat?"
With a heaved sigh, Daring Do decided to play along for the sake of retaining Excalibur "Well, my favorite food happens to be-"
"My legend began in the 12th century!"
Daring Do stared "Now you're telling me your story?"
"Fool!"
Walked right into that one. The famous adventurer lost more and more of her patience with having to stand around and listen to this infuriating being. Her anger lessened when she remembered back to when she had to deal with worse 'Say...This reminds me of a puzzle...' It could be just that. The creature in front of her could perhaps be some kind of mystical puzzle that could only be solved by the most brilliant minds in Equestria. Daring Do would have to buckle down and endure this trial, making sure to choose her words carefully unless she were driven to insanity "So, about your story..." She asked cautiously.
The creature pointed his cane at Daring Do again "Don't interrupt! Do you not want to hear the story?" Daring Do did not move nor respond, and the creature continued "My legend began in the 12th century! My mornings started off with a cup of coffee. My afternoons began with afternoon tea. In my evenings, I change into my pajamas!"
Daring Do was led to believe there was a dramatic intro to the creature's story, but all he had told so far was basically a regular day in the life of a pony. Forgetting her diligence, she pried at the creature's story "Wait, what does that have to do with Excalibur?"
"Fool! If you haven't already noticed by now, Excalibur..." He did a professional pirouette before striking a comical pose with his cane pointed up "...is me!" A small fanfare was heard while the self-proclaimed sword stood in a random spotlight.
Daring Do was dumbfounded 'That's Excalibur? I've traveled across the world for this!?' She shook off her stunned expression and tried to deny this fact with how random and misleading the creature had seemed on his first impression. For all she knew, this could be another ploy or ruse planned by this creature. His mind is an enigma...
The so-called Excalibur slammed the end of his cane to the ground "This revelation has left you speechless, yes? Your reaction is of no surprise to the many that came before me to claim me as their weapon!" He paced back and forth with his cane behind his back "However, if you actually wish to associate with me, there are 1000 provisions for you to abide to while we work together as partners! It is imperative for one such as yourself to listen to every single one given, lest you do not consider yourself to be a hero!"
Daring Do perked up "1000 provisions? You make them sound as if they were personal dema-"
Excalibur stopped his pace and turned to face Daring Do "Fool! There is a difference between provisions and demands! Demands are commanded requests whereas provisions are suggested requirements! They are not synonymous nor are they interchangeable!"
Daring Do deadpanned with a mutter "Doesn't sound like a legitimate difference with how you put it..."
"My legend began in the 12th century-"
Daring Do blurted out "You just said that!"
Her response came in a light bonk on her head, courtesy of Excalibur's cane "Fool! Do you know what this hat is?"
Daring Do rubbed her head with an irritated look on her face "What about it?" She growled.
Excalibur pointed at his hat with his cane "I asked if you know what this hat is! Do you?"
Daring Do puffed her cheeks, but sighed "Well, Excalibur..." She added cruel emphasis on the creature's name "If I had to say for myself, I would know that hat is a 15 inch tall stovepipe top hat, made of the finest alabaster silk-"
"Fool! Do you know about the height of a chef's hat? The taller the hat, the greater he is!"
Daring Do was silent before she gave a wince at his hat "But that doesn't make you a-"
"Fool! Whoever said I was a chef!?"
The famous adventurer was flabbergasted as she stuttered "I said no such thing!!"
Excalibur sighed as he slung his cane over his shoulder "This is why I cannot abide hayseeds..." He uttered in a tone as if he were in Daring Do's shoes.
Daring Do glared "Just what the hay do you take me for!? If anything, you can't be the same Excalibur I'm looking for with your constant bunk!! Show me where it is!!" She yelled, nearing the end of her rope with her patience.
Excalibur faced Daring Do "Oh?" Suddenly, a bright light flashed from him, blinding the famous adventurer, and soon faded to reveal the glorious sword in front of her "Are you not convinced now?"
Daring Do stared in awe "I-...I don't believe it...You really are Excalibur!" She spoke in realization upon the sword's form. Sadly, her awe was washed away when the sword was once again replaced with the annoying midget in front of her.
Excalibur scoffed and turned his back on Daring Do "It's impolite to stare! That is only applicable when a staring contest has been issued! Now to go over the first of my 1000 provisions!" He turned back and pointed his cane at Daring Do's muzzle, the adventurer expecting such an action "Provision #1: My mornings begin with a cup of coffee!"
Daring Do twitched an eye "Are you telling me your story again?"
"Fool! It is as you've heard! My morning begins with a cup of coffee! Nothing else! The next provision..." He drew back his cane and stood straight "Provision #58: Do not talk to me while I am humming to myself! That is a very important provision. Understand?"
Daring Do groaned "It's bad enough you have 1000 provisions, but you won't go in or-"
"Fool!" He then began to hum a tune that appeared only familiar to himself as Daring Do stared with building rage.
She tried to maintain her composure with all her might 'This is just a trial, this is just a trial, this is just a trial...' She thought repeatedly to herself in a poorly-established mantra.
While Excalibur hummed, he instantly pointed his cane at Daring Do's face again "Fool! Why did you not speak to me just now?" He asked in an angered tone.
Daring Do kept silent while she leered at Excalibur 'You won't get me THIS time, you bastard...'
Excalibur and Daring Do remained frozen in their positions, then the legendary sword began poking at the famous adventurer's muzzle with his cane "You must not be sleeping when there are provisions to cover! You're almost done with what I have to tell you!"
Was this a trick? Did she hear him correctly? Perhaps she was right about this being a trial after all. He even sounded truthful in his words. When she went to go speak, she was presented with a large packet of papers with listed wordings on both sides. At least being presented with any kind of writing would lighten the huge load that Daring Do had to deal with at the moment. It wasn't long until she noticed what was written as she grimaced to herself with a twitching eye.
Excalibur rested his tiny paws on his cane with the end touching the ground as he tapped a foot "If you are to claim me as a meister, there are 1000 provisions that I would like you to observe! Be sure to go through each and every one of them!"
Daring Do did not reply as her grimace worsened with each provision she came across. She stopped on one with her brain about to explode out of irritation overload "Your provision includes me participating in a five-hour recitation party!?"
Excalibur nodded "All must hear how my legend began, especially those that wish to be my meister! That particular provision is a must out of the many presented, even more important than provision #573!"
Daring Do spotted that exact number and slowly turned to Excalibur with a scowl "...You're kidding, right?" She uttered with venom. This creature was pushing his luck with these many provisions. Legendary sword or no, he was becoming more of an intolerable nuisance with each passing minute. Check that. Each passing second.
Excalibur expectedly pointed his cane at Daring Do "Fool! Did you forget provision #172? That you should seek harmony?"
Daring Do held back the urge to buck the papers into the water and vent vehemently at the sword as she responded as patiently as she could muster "If you're referring to the Elements of Harmony, that's nothing more than a confirmed myth! And I don't even know what a meister is! Aside from that, this is all sounds too silly!"
Excalibur sighed in pity as he tipped his hat "You must need help with this provision, won't you? Very well! There is only one way to find harmony in this world, and I shall show it to you!" He spun rapidly before striking another pose "My legend began..." Another pose was struck "...in the 12th century!"
And then he began to dance.
Daring Do just stared at Excalibur dancing and wanted to strangle him with her bare hooves. However, as time passed, she somehow found herself calming down and keeping her sanity as she watched him dance further. She even sat herself down to take a load off as she watched the show in front of her with a thin smile. It left when something happened, causing the whole calming process to fail.
"Excalibur~!! Excalibur~!!
From the United Kingdom! I'm looking for heaven!
I'm going to California~!!
Excalibur~!! Excalibur~!!"
That horrible singing had broken the calm that Daring Do hoped to achieve after putting up with so much nonsense in one day. She would take a death trap over this session any time. She leered at the singing and dancing white creature while gritting her teeth. He had to stop sooner or later...
Later...
"Excalibur~!! Excalibur~!!
From the United Kingdom! I'm looking for heaven!
I'm going to California~!!
Excalibur~!! Excalibur~!!"
Daring Do, while listening to what can be considered the lyrical equivalent to nails on a blackboard, contemplated where exactly her life had headed when she chose to become who she was today 'Why didn't I listen to my mom and start a family of my own? Why did I do this to myself?'
Meanwhile, the legendary sword went along with his dance "Excalibur~!! Excalibur~!! Excalibur!!" With the last 'Excalibur', he ceased his song and dance as he struck another pose.
Daring Do noticed and ceased all thought as she stared at Excalibur. When she felt that he had somehow bit the dust through his actions, she went to speak...
"Excalibur~!! Excalibur~!!"
Daring Do fell over with a look of sheer regret on her face "Why?" She mourned to herself "Why didn't I just walk away?"
Excalibur then stopped his song and dance and raised his paws "The harmony has been found! And judging by your worn appearance, you've already went over my 1000 provisions most dutifully!! The trial is now over!"
Daring Do instantly snapped to attention with hopefulness practically flowing from her eyes "Really?"
Excalibur nodded as he was enveloped in his bright light, returning to his sword form as he hovered in the air "You have been chosen! It is now yours, brave adventurer! Victory, glory, fame! All of it!!"
Daring Do stared at the sword in all of its glory. She was now ready to take it with her to conquer any obstacle that appeared before her. She thought about all she could accomplish with Excalibur by her side...Up to the point where she stabbed the sword back into the ground with her forehooves.
"Huh? What's going on? What is the meaning of this?"
Daring Do sighed with a smile "You're onto something with what you promise, Excalibur...Victory, glory, and fame. And granted by you, no less. With what you've shown me back there, you really are a force to be reckoned with..." She instantly scowled with disgust "But I wouldn't wish this fate on anypony!! You're living proof that some secrets are meant to be locked away..." Daring Do turned and left the brightened chamber with a bitter expression, even going so far as to stepping through the water after realizing there was not anything wrong with it before.
"W-Wait! Come back! I'm sure you're willing to go through with this with how you chose to come all this way! I could even lower the provisions to 800! Think about this! You're letting an opportunity slide!"
Daring Do proceeded further into the cave until Excalibur was out of earshot. She finally gave a shudder of disgust "Perhaps I need a vacation from this sort of thing..." The famous adventurer muttered as she trudged through the water.
While she trotted, she managed to meet the fairy from before as she smiled "Hello there! Did you manage to find Excalibur?"
Daring Do stared at the fairy for a moment, before her eyes shifted to the right as her face scrunched and wrinkled in disdain and disgust. She then trotted past the fairy without another word as she sighed knowingly "Yup...She found him..."
The End
_____
In Ponyville library, Rainbow Dash read the final page with a dumbfounded expression tinted with outrage "What in the name of Celestia IS this garbage!?! Did the author of the Daring Do series honestly resort to this!? What was she thinking!?" She ranted indignantly.
Twilight was reading a book on the sofa, then turned to the miffed pegasus with a frown "Rainbow, I checked the book out and it isn't published by the original author! What you just read was an unofficial work of fiction! Some fans often construct their own Daring Do stories as a hobby!" Another individual that was currently reading a book in the library was a blank-flank zebracorn wearing a fedora with a laidback expression on his face as he sat on the stairs.
Rainbow Dash snorted "Who in their right mind would try and make this pass off as a genuine novel!? I gotta know who the hay wrote this thing!" She flipped the book to read the back "Where's the author? Let's see..." She finally caught the name as she squinted her eyes and read to herself "Dir..ty...Bit...??" She paused for a moment before she darted her head over to the zebracorn with anger plastered on her face "You wrote this?!?" Rainbow Dash yelled as she threw the book on the floor with contempt.
The zebracorn glared back and pointed a hoof at Rainbow Dash "No autographs!!!"
And then he was tackled, and thereby strangled furiously.
The End
