Chapters Chapter 3 My Evening With The Apples
Soon after a very eventful trip we finally arrived in Ponyville. Considering it was only a ten minute ride of the super carriage a lot happened on our ride. The main event being the fact Cory tried to "Saved your life" Jacob and pushed to hard which resulted in him being flung off.
Thankfully Jacob had learned how to use his wings during our short time in Canterlot, and flew back onto the carriage without a scratch. Cory on the other hand ended up with a black eye. Sooner or later everything settled down and we landed.
It was around noon and everyone was hungry. Celestia had left us a shit-ton of bits to work with so I decided that we should go eat at Sugercube Corner for lunch. Luckily everyone but me had any kind of knowledge of where everything in this town was and how it functioned. Along with my bad sense of direction and Graham claiming that he saw it a minute ago we stopped at Twilight's library to ask for directions.
When we arrived we knocked on the door to where Twilght stepped out and greeted and asked us if we were the one Celestia sent we replied with a yes and asked us to come in. When we stepped the other Elements of Harmony were already waiting for us along with some delicious daffodil sammichs.
Soon we started moderate conversation with who we were staying with talking about various topics including why we were here, Equestrian history, and how they defeated Nightmare Moon along with Discord. Soon they concluded that apparently Celestia sent us to stay with who ever seemed to fit our personalities and who we were most comfortable with. After awhile it began to grow dark and we decided to spilt our separate ways and hunker down for the night.
Applejack and I soon decided it was time for us to head back to Sweet Apple Acres ourselves and get some dinner and meet the rest of the family. We were almost to the house without a disturbance until Elliott out of fucking nowhere crashes down at our feet in front of us. He claimed that Rainbow Dash was trying to help him do more flying tricks and quickly apologized and flew off again before we could say anything.
Applejack said" He's just like Rainbow Dash ain't he?". I replied with a simple "Eeyup".
Which to my surprise made her giggle a little. Soon we arrived at her home and just like in the cartoon it was huge! She said that there was enough time to show me around everything before we had to eat dinner.
We were just about to enter the barn when all of a sudden the Cutie Mark Crusaders busted out the door yelling "Cutie Mark Crusaders barn fixers yeah!".
I then turned to Applejack and said" This can't be Gooooooo" and with my luck a plank comes down and hits me in the head. Hard.
After about five minutes I start to come to again with a worried Applejack and Three Crusaders standing over me. What was best about that moment though was the fact that Scootaloo was Flipping out really bad and so I decided to play a prank of her.
I feel no sorrow on those who drop a plank on my head so I rolled my eyes into my head and said in my darkest voice "I will eat you souls".
It worked Scootachicken and her friends dashed out of the barn at speeds so fast it would have impressed Pinkie. Soon after our little encounter with the Crusauders, Applejack and I decided that we would take a walk around the Orchard. She was telling me that the Zap Apples were coming into to bloom in the next couple of weeks. I nodded about everything she said more enjoying her company than actually paying attention.
Soon she asked" ain't you even payin attention to me sugar cube?"
I nodded with a yes that seemed a little to fast even for me.
After a few seconds she counter questioned " Then what is t'e 3rd step to make Zap Apple jam?"
"FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!" I mentally screamed
Judging my the weird twisted looking FUUUU face she came to the conclusion that I wasn't listening and decided that she would smack me upside the freaking head which still Fucking hurts for having a plank dropped on it by the CMC. Defiantly not my day.
We soon arrived onto of a hill that overlooked Ponyville that looked like something out of a fairy tale. In other words friggin awesome. We sat on that hill and stared into for a time a long time until she said.
" Van Celestia did pair us with the stallion that best fit our personalities, but did she just mean for housing or something deeper?". With the biggest blush on her face.
I replied "It defiantly could be. If you wanted it to". Dammit I do not want to do a Fluttershy impression here.
She quickly relied two words that would change my Equestrian life forever. "I do".
We leaned in for the most compassionate kiss of my life until.
Then Granny Smith pops out of nowhere and yells.
Three bandaids and a icepack later we all sat down for dinner. My fanboyism could explode at any moment with all this apple based food before me. Then I thought of something. How do I magiks stuff? Until I saw Big Macintosh stuff his face into his apple pie and pig the fuck out. And with all of my pride in tact I dug in myself.
Soon we were all full apparently you eat twice as much when you a pony. I blame magic for making me feel like a fat ass, but whatcha gonna do? Eventually after a game of Canterolopy which Applebloom rage quit three times we headed up stairs. I asked Applejack if there was a guest room she said yes, but wanted me to keep her company.
I heard Grant's voice in my head yell "Yeah Buddy!"
And we went to bed. Best night if my life.I'm pretty sure we even woke Granny Smith up, and she take five sleeping pills each night, but I'm not going into details because this isn't going to get cloppy.
Chapter 4 Welcome To The Family.
Then next morning after a very relaxing night of sleep I awoke to a certain orange pony staring at me from across the bed. I found that she look so cute when she was sleeping therefor Applejack is the best pony. I payed there for what I think was about ten minutes and then decided that staring at the mare I banged last night was really creepy and decided to hop out of bed as quietly as I could.
Apparently I wasn't quiet enough and as a result she woke up hopped out of bed with me and said " Last night I think you did more work than I have for three applebucking seasons".
Me being my usual self replied with a "Hell yeah baby and slapped her cutie mark with my tail. Which got me the result I wanted. A blush redder than Big Macintosh.
After a quick clean up and bath together I should should say *wink *wink we headed down stairs to she a sleeping Granny Smith who apparently fell asleep in her oatmeal, a struggling to stay awake filly, and Big Macintosh plaining passed out on the table and said Eeeyup in which I assume was his sleep.
I said " Holy crap were we that loud". And just then Applebloom said something that proves she is still innocent she said " Yeah you guys were wrestling for hours and were really loud I couldn't get any sleep". And with that I said "Well take a nap champ were going to go to Sugercube Corner for breakfast since Granny Smith fell asleep in the oatmeal and with that we trotted out the door.
We soon arrived at Sugercube Corner to find everyone else had already arrived. Cory had bloodshot eyes and what I assume was a hangover, Grant's hair was frazzled so I assume he and Twilight shared a bed to hehehe, Elliott was also hung over. Apparently he and Rainbow played shots.
Aside from Elliott, Cory and a guilty Grant the rest of us Graham, Jacob and I were fine having a very fulfilling night of sleep in a comfy bed but Rarity had a very faint blush on her face the whole time which made me wonder about the whereabouts of Graham's virginity...
During my concentrated time of thought Pinkie decided it would be a good idea to shove a cupcake in my mouth be because in Equestria you can't get apparently you diabetes. Or at least I'm pretty sure because Pinkie would be dead if you could, but there was something in the cupcake though it felt like paper but I didnt think anything of it until I got a paper cut in my mouth and spit out what I assume was an invitation to a famous Pinkie Pie party!
I unrolled the scroll to see that we were the guests of honor, Dj P0N3 was performing with Octavia's ensemble, and that it was at 7:00 to tonight. I had one thought and one thought alone. "Squee!". Yep that's all that came to my mind in that brief minute, and then realized that we haven't even moved into our house yet, and also that my tongue was bleeding and needed that I probably should get a bandaid.
Soon after fixing my tongue and the guys sleeping off thief hangovers we got our bag and started towards the house. As soon as we got to the entrance our jaws hit the fucking floor.
The place was PIMPED OUT. From even just the sheer size of it we all ran up the tall stairs like school fillies in record time.
As soon as we went inside we went into the kitchen and looked at the blueprints Celestia had left us and soon went to our rooms. Which I might add along with the rest of the house was pimped. All furniture was provided and the attic had apparently been pre stuffed with our mountain dew and the Armory had anything we could ask for.
Suits of armor, Spartan II suits, Cod weapons, halo weapons, assassins creed weapons, riot shields and just about anything else you could imagine not to mention ammo. Soon we were all taking out share of body armor, suits, and weapons to put in our rooms.
After settling down in our rooms we found that there are ladders in the floor that leads to a central bonus room that you share with the guy who is closest to you. Elliott share a room it has beanbags, a mini bar, a pool table, a kitchen, the xbox and tv, carpenter floors, a huge ass couch, and a hardwood deck which had a really nice telescope in it.
As for the rooms they were all decked out to fit our personal identities. Mine was a royal Nightmare blue with black lining and blue carpet along with a king sized bed with a dark blue quilt with a big Lunar Republic logo in it. There was also a flat screen, a computer, a laptop that was connected to it, mini fridge, a Lunar Republic poster that said Bide on it, surround sound, Dj equipment, Beats, and my xbox!
The closet had plenty of clothes for just about any occasion, a rack to hold weapons along with suits of armor, and my custom padded custom made Vito alto saxaphone in the corner of the closet. And finally In the bathroom there was a whirlpool tub, a walk in steam shower, custom dark blue gold rimmed sinks, and the shower that was made of the same thing to my complete and utter surprise had my puppy in and a note in it from princess Luna. It said.
Dear Van, Its me Luna and I hope you have enjoyed your stay so far. As you can see you puppy is here. Just like me though she is immoral and here to stay because sadly she has died in the real world and has decided she has missed you enough that she will live and follow you wherever you go. I will see you soon.
Sincerely,
Queen of the Lunar Republic,
Princess Luna
When I finished the letter I let my dog Marly out of her cage, and gave her the biggest hug ever. Of all time.
Soon we were all done exploring the house and meet up in the living room downstairs ready and prepped to get going. It was 6:30 and judging by my sense of direction that I learned at Canterlot castle I decided we should leave early, and with that we trotted out the door and left for the best night ever. Or so we thought.
Pinkie Pie Party? More Like Pinkie Rave
Pinkie Pie Party? More Like Pinkie Rave
Chapter 5 Pinkie Pie Party? More Like Pinkie Rave
"Goddamn my legs are tired"
"OHMYGOSHITHOUGHTYOIWEREGOINGTOBELATEORNEVERCOMEAND
And with that Twilight stuck her hoof inside Pinkie's mouth and motioned us to come inside. The party was just about to start.
Unts Unts Unts was all I could hear with all the random ponies around me yelling, panting, and fist-pumping. Eventually I walkout of the mosh pit and decide I would try to find the main six and formally introduce myself. I first found Rarity sitting near the punch bowl and decided that she would be a good place to start.
I said " Hey Rarity how's it going"
She said " Good the party seems to be going well"
I replied with a simple nod of my head and we sat there in content silence, until she said " Please don't tell anypony ,but I think I have a crush on Graham he seems so nice and has a nice taste in fashion as well. Could you please tell me where he is?"
I replied " Your secret is safe with me and he's in the mosh pit, but you better hurry I think Carrot Top is starting to make her move".
Right after I said that she yelled " That uncouth Bitch!" and stormed of into the pit.
Next I decided I should go and look for Fluttershy who was chatting with Twilight near the corner talking and I decided that I would crash their party.
I walked up to them and said " Hello I'm Van and I don't believe we have met before. I am one of the humans that Princess Celestia sent for you observe. Its and honor to meet you both".
Both of them looked shocked and dumbfounded at my manners and replied in harmony " It's very nice to meet you to". Soon we were chatting about animals, Equestria, Earth, magic, and Pinkie scene.
Though after about an hour I decided that I would talk to Twilight about magic later, take Fluttershy to see Marly and come to observations with Twilight every week so she could send a letter to Princess Celestia.
Soon I decided that It would be a good idea to jump back onto the pit and find Pinkie. Ironically she wasn't dancing with anypony so I decided to go dance with her for awhile. I slowly fist pumped my way over to her and we danced and began talking.
I said " Hey Pinkie!" she said "Hey! Want to dance?!" and grabbed my hand.
Fuck hoof whatever and dragged me to the center of the dance floor and began dancing. This went on for at least an hour until I was worn out and decided that I would sit down a moment and get a drink. I found a table that Elliott was sitting at with Jacob. They were probably talking about soccer or something so I decided that I should sit down with them and hop in there conversation. Right when I sat down we got a letter from Celestia saying.
Dearest Subjects, I know it was wrong to force you all here and make you live in are ways and customs. Therefor I am giving you all the option to leave. It will be a majority vote and please send me your reply as quickly as possible.
Sincerely, Queen of the Solar Empire,
Princess Celestia
For what I assumed was ten minutes we read that letter over and over again. Then we got our shit together and called Grant, Graham, and Cory to come to out table to take a vote. Once everypony was here we wrote our votes on napkins and gave them to me and to read them aloud.
First vote is stay
Second vote is Leave
Next Vote is Stay
Next vote is Leave
Next vote is stay
And the last vote is
" The final vote is........... Stay"
Four of us yelled " Fuck yeah and brohoofed"
While the other two looked quite sad.We sent our reply to Celestia and I said If anypony had seen Applejack. Jocob said that they went outside. And with that I walked to the door.
Holy hell getting though that mosh pit took a lot of fucking effort. But eventually I made it and popped the door a crack open and heard.
"Do actually really like that guy?! He's ridiculous! He isn't even from our world!"
I then heard " Well umm I guess er right"
Then she said " Yeah dump him on his ass! He a fucking Retard!". That crossed the line.
I opened the door and said " Is that true? Do you not like me?, and even if you don't like me I'm not a fucking retard"
She said " Fraid so Sugercube my barn door don't swing that way. I'm mighty sorry that I lead you to believe otherwise". I replied "
"I forgive you though the wounds will take time and ice-cream to heal, but you Rainbow Mariam Dash. First mare in Equestria to Preform a Sonic Rainboom. My hero and favorite pony for the longest time. I thought you were the element of loyalty. At least Applejack stuck to her element and was honest about it. Loyal friends don't talk about each other behind there backs. Especially you. I expected more from Equestria's fastest flyer. I'm going home and tell Pinkie thanks for the awesome party".
And with a cold and stony heart I trudged to the house in the freezing cold back under the cover of Luna's glowing full moon.
Chapter 6 On The Rebound!
My first thoughts as I was walking home was " Why is Applejack gay if she wanted to have a one night stand with a guy she met literally hours ago?" the idea just played over and over in my mind until I hit the house. No literally I ran nose first into the front door. And thought " Holy shit world can you possibly fuck up my world any more?!?" and then a ball of blue and stars ran into me.
I awoke to what I assume was about ten minutes to see Princess Luna looming over my head with a worried expression on her face. For the record being knocked out messes with your head and when she asked " Are you Ok?" I replied with " Derp?".
I pretty sure after that she assumed I was fine and magiked me up to my room and set me on the bed. It was only then I noticed how friggin soft this bed was and asked" Luna you designed my room right?". She nooses with a yes and I proceeded to ask" And what is this bed made of?" she giggled "Love". I was getting seriously tired of this and I asked in my most stern but quiet voice" No really what is it?" she relented and blushed and wispered " My feathers".
My face then and there was something between: Da Fuck and Lol wat. So unread of looking like a dumb ass for awhile I relied and simply said "cool". after that we went downstairs and sat on the couch.
Though for awhile after that we sat in awkward scilence until I asked "You want to watch television?" she replied again with another nod
I said " You don't talk much don't you?" She said in a quiet voice "My apologies we haven't been out much since the Nightmare incident". I said "Right didn't that work out to well because Anthony got drunk and pulled all the cloth of the table and pretended he was a ghost and passed out at in your hoofs?"
She said "Yes and how do you know that?" I replied with two simple words "Fan Fiction" she said Tell me more about this so called Fan fiction". "Oh shit." I thought "Van you've done screwed the pooch this time".
I then got my shit together and said why don't I show you I pulled out my iPhone and brought up Equestria daily and went to the search bar and typed in Luna and the first thing that pulled up was the story Luna's socks and decided that I would read it to her.
Reading that story. Best idea ever holy crap you should have seen how red her face was the whole story as bright as an apple. Damn that analogy made me sad oh well. But when I finished for the second time in the night we sat in pure awkward silence until I said "You would cute in socks" which achieved the desired result though thinking about the scientific process Twilight would be super duper proud of me. Yay.
Speaking of Twilight she and Grant the stumbled through the door drunk as Irish men and Twilight yelled " I'm a Banana!" and then Grant yelled "Fuck yeah!" and they then both passed out onto the floor with a loud thud.
After about five minutes of staring at them we decided to magic and carry since I still need magic lessons. God don't sent me to magic kindergarten please! Them up the stairs to Grant's room and put them down into bed with each other.
Luna then said "They look cute with each other don't you think?" I said in by best Butt head voice " Yeah especially when there drunk". And she giggled.
I joked and said "Ha how many giggle points do I receive?" she blushed and said "Not cool and hoofed me in the arm Hard" Me being invulnerable to pain said before we entered my room " Ha the fun has been doubled!"
She said "Really you want to play rough? I'll show you how" and tackled me onto the bed.
Wrestling with an immoral lunar Princess isn't fun that horn is really pokey. Soon we were worn out and I some how ended up under her and asked "You aren't going to molest me are you ?" she said "Mmmmmm only if you want to" with a side dish of blush. I said "Go for it and oh yeah don't let Marly onto the bed".
A few hours later and a talk about Equestrian sexual protection we were laying beside each other panting and sweating like there was no tomorrow she said "Wow must have been saving that for awhile".
Again I replied with "Derp?" And then Said "Wait doesn't this mean were dating?" she said " Only If you get over that gay mare." I said "Deal".
We leaned in for a kiss but before I looked around to see if Granny Smith was behind me and then leaned in for what is now defiantly the most passionate kiss ever of all time.
We soon noticed that it was two in the morning and I was hungry. We trotted down the stairs and went into the kitchen and I decided to say "Luna will you make me a sammich?" she said "Why?" I tried pulling a trick that my mom always did.
I said "I'll be you best friend." Apparently that was enough for her and decided that I should do something for her and put on the Assassins creed blade and said "Hey Lulu watch this." I popped my hoof back and a blade came out and scared her I then proceed to stick it in the mayo jar and spread it on the top piece of bread.
After what I can say was the best snack of my life we sat on the couch and began talking more about what my world was like. The people, my family, my friends, our culture, actors and comedy, music, and finally Marly. Soon after what felt like ten minutes and was actually two hours we were done.
I asked" Hey where is everpony else?". Just then Elliott, Cory, Graham, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie busted in the door and yelled " I'm a banana!" and passed out on the floor.
I said to Luna this is going to be a long night isn't it?
Where Rockets Fly And Elliott Cries
Chapter 6 Where Rockets Fly And Elliott Cries
That night had been ROUGH. Apparently Grant sores like a train when he's drunk and Jacob talked in his sleep Really loud. Barely got a wink of sleep but considering it was Three o Clock in the morning I assume it was the best I could get. Luna and I got up a lot sooner than everypony else in the house did and we went downstairs to make breakfast. Eventually Everypony including four of the mane six not including Applegay and Rainbow Dyke.
I thought to myself " it's not right for me to judge her that way it was a simple mistake and I assume it will never happen again. Maybe she had no idea what she was doing or it was a slight phase in her life.". When I had fully finished thinking I looked to see that everypony in the whole room was staring at me. Yep I burnt the orange juice. Sigh.
After a nice breakfast at Sugercube Corner we said our good byes and headed home. All except me. I went with Twilight to the library to take my magic lessons on how to work the MAGIKS.
We first practiced some basic exercises on how to get the spark going then we worked on basic levitations then we proceeded to flames how to control fire, water, and gravity. Soon though Celestia's sun was setting on the horizon and Luna's moon was making her pull.
We called it a night and I then asked " Wheres Spike haven't seen him all day". She then said " Away on business to Canterlot we could do anything I mean anything you wanted".
The only thing I could think was "Oh shit this is like Wonderland. And I don't think Slenderman can come to my rescue soooooo". Then I got the most preposterous, hair brained, 1% chance of working.
I yelled "Holy shit look!" she replied "Ha Rainbows used that one a million time now come here". I was running out of ideas and yelled " Twilight its rude not to bow to our princess". She turned around, and I dashed out the door thinking " No troll in training can outwit me muhahaha".
The rest of the next day after that was pretty boring. Played some Cod, goofed around, played the saxophone, sexy sax maned the town where I meet Lyra because I sat like a person on a bench, and then read some of the new book I bought it was called. "Humans Things Of Reality Or Legend" by Lyra Heartstrings. Which I have to say was hilarious because half the things in that book were utter bull crap. Not all people with white skin are fat get your shit together Lyra geez.
Dinner time was approaching quickly so we decided It would be fucking smart to make an Epic Mealtime to celebrate out first night here where we were all together. We went to the grocery stalls bought all the hay strips and other item necessary for our Epic Mealtime.
We started with a layer of hay strips and hay strip s and hay strips and hay strip. Then mashed potatoes layer onto the top of it then moar hay strips then what up? Mountain dew! Drip drop dripping that Mountain dew A Drip Drop Drippin.
When we were done I said "Next time we eat Nightmare Moon".
After dinner was finished I decided we should play a game. An old classic of ours. Bottle Rocket roulette.
First Place: Becomes lighter of fireworks. Juggernaut Suit included.
Second Place: Recon Juggernaut. No pistol
Third Place: Body Armor. Riot shield
Fourth Place: Body armor. Trash can lid
Fifth Place: Jacket. Trash Lid
Last Place: NOTHING
Jacob soon posed an good question he asked "How do we determine who gets what?" I said "Simple first one to get 100 kills against each other with one magnum and juggernaut wins. Gentlecolts take you to your xbox and break".
Three whole hours of hell later we got our spots. Elliott, Me, Cory, Jacob, Grant, and Graham. We all soon went outside and took our respective spots I said " Guys here's the rules we each pop a smoke grenade. Stay in the marked circle. And don't get hit. Also you can grab the firework if you can catch on and throw it back. The fireworks coming at you are different colors. Now go everyone from playing to much Cod yelled popping smoke and the chaos began.
Holy shit that was the mist intense game I think I have ever played in my life. So many rockets. So much chaos. I would have made Discord proud. Soon all the smoke was clear and everyone but Elliott was standing. Turns out that Cory was and big enough badass and maybe the years of gymnastics helped but he grabbed a rocket and hurled it back and hit him you know where.
Come on guys this a comedy in apparently what he said was the tip of his dick. It was a sad sight mainly because hoping else had been hit. Hey honestly better me that him, but still he was on the ground crying. So I levitated him up and put him on the couch and gave him an icepack.
And we all stared at him feeling sorry for him until Cory said "Well at least you can have kids.". We all unanimously agreed it wasn't that bad and decided to let him ice it of.
As I was walking back to my room thinking "Not bad day not bad at all". Until I saw a shadow standing around the corner of the hallway.
Enemy Baseballs Spotted. Take Cover!
Chapter 8 Enemy Baseballs Spotted. Take Cover!
Stunned I quietly backed down the stairs and I heard a poof and turned to see Twilight. Her face baggy from lack of sleep and her features visibly depressing. Looked at me with the saddest eyes and asked " Why can't we be together? All I've ever wanted since you came here was you.
My calculations said you and I would be 93 percent compatible. Why? Why don't you love me?!?". She began sobbing into my feet below me.
Right there my heart snapped in two. I usually have a strong exterior and seem like I don't Care about most things but this was worse than those animal cruelty commercials times 100 (Which Equals OVER 9000!). This was the WORST POSSIBLE THING. As Rarity would say.
So thinking this through I said " Twilight please come with me. We need to talk right now this I am totally ceral I mean serious".
Soon we trotted down to my room and had a very extensive talk about how research can't always be right and that love can hurt. I even tried to be somewhat funny but her face never once cracked a smile.
I then thought about it and said " Twi you aren't smiling. And when people don't smile guess what I'm going to do?". She still looked at the ground dejectedly not even bothering to make eye contact with me. Thats when I jumped on her and yelled "Tickle fight!".
Five minutes later she finally had laughed enough to where I assumed her lungs were to the point of bursting. She then looked at me and said "Twilight Sparkle you would be number one on my list if I wasn't dating somepony else". She relied with " Why and wait your dating? Already!".
I said " Yes I'm dating. I'd date you because your adorkable and that thing you do when your enveloped in a book also I'm dating Princess Luna".
Then I looked to see Twilight bowing and then heard a " Damn straight your dating me Be-yoch".
Soon we all struck up conversation about various topics such as human hobbies and philosophies along with the culture. Which Twilight took notes on so I don't have to go to sessions this week Sweet! I explained to them Concepts of modern weapons and games which Twilight said she wanted to try out so we went to my den and found Elliott sleeping on the couch. With a pile of mountain dew cans and a shaving cream beard. Man I live with assholes I thought as I teleported Elliott back to his room while Twilight and Luna cleared the couch. And soon enough we had everything cleared and we sat down to play video games.
First on our list MW3 we played multiplayer split screen and began playing. Soon we grew bored because for them trying to kill me was like playing with an inverted controller. Otherwise known as impossible but they did manage to kill each other a lot so I usually used the riot shield. And Luna thought she might incorporate those into the police force for safety reasons.
Eventually I was getting late and Twilight decided it would he a good idea to go home and check on Spike and Luna had to return to Royal duties. Haha yeah I said duty. But soon she left and I was alone again though before she left she asked me to come to the yearly rivalry baseball game this year it was the Canterlot Comets vs the Applelosa Apples. The next day as a date as a date. I know it's usually stallions who pay for the dates, but hey when the seats are 2,000 bits a piece you don't pass it up no matter how embarrassing.
The next day I woke up with Marly at my feet and hopped in the shower and fed her some dog food that Luna enchanted into my bag. That she seemed to love so that was good. Noon seemed to come a lot faster than I thought. Especially since I woke up at ten. But I thought I would take a train there, though instead she sent a royal carriage instead. And they told me to board so I did.
Holy shit I officially think Derpy is a little to Derpy. Seriously how do I get a bag of mail dropped on me from that high up? Sheesh but on the bright side she gave me a muffin and It had chocolate chips so all is forgiven.
As soon as we arrived we landed in the in I mean right in the middle of the god damn area. Apparently I was hoof chosen by the Lunar Princess herself to throw the fist pitch. Fuck Trollestia I think Luna is the bigger problem. So in front of thousands of people I somehow threw a pitch with my mouth and without choking thank god and went of to the VIP booth to find Luna.
I soon found her and we sat down and watched the game even though I was going to get her back for that move she just pulled. Soon enough though it was the final inning and I was actually excited. The score was fourteen a piece and it was two balls and two strikes with bases loaded for Comets and the pitch was thrown and crack the ball is out first Equestian baseball game a grand slam well it would have been completely perfect if it didn't crash though the glass and hit me in the head. Yeah my kids are going to have the genes of an immoral Alicorn and the genes of s retarded guy who constantly got hit by baseballs and all other sorts of projectiles.Goodie.
Another icepack and a kiss to make it feel better kiss from Luna I decided it would be a good idea to stay at the castle tonight with Luna. And as the sun set and the moon rose we walked into the sunset to Canterlot Castle.
Chapter 9 Brain Freeeeeeze!
Hey do you know what sucks about being hit with a baseball? All the blood rushes to your head and you pass out with your legs splayed out like someone dropped a heavy sheet of iron on you. This in my case was what happened.
During the knock out I felt what assumed was like being high or In a state of constant what the fuck is happening? Or dude that's totally trippin. And as one would think I began to freak the hell out.
I dreamed that I was back on Earth I woke up on Graham's couch with a " Awww shit that was a dream?". And got up and went downstairs for breakfast, but nobody was there just Graham's mom freaking out saying that the others were gone.
Taken away. And I started freaking out yelling and thinking" No this was so real. Was I sent back? Did I die? How do I get back?". And I broke down and cried on the floor on my hands and knees begging to go back. But there was no remedy only darkness.
Then I woke up.
I awoke in Canterlot castle with a very concerned Luna looking over my head with a worried face. And then I grabbed her in the biggest hug I bet she has ever had.
And she said "I'm so sorry. You were yelling in your state of unconsciousness so we gave you some strong magic that I think is slang for what you call "pot".
I was dumbfounded I had gotten high and it was fucking scary. Right there I made a promise. A promise to never ever abuse or use drugs ever. I even Pinkie Sweared that I never would ever again.
Soon after my scary experience I retired to the bed chamber with Luna for a very fulfilling sleep. And in the morning the one thing I hate most.
The bane of my morning existence woke me up. "Goddamn I hate alarm clocks". I thought as I rolled onto all fours on the floor. I decided I should tell the boys where I was so I did the most reasonable thing. Send mass text message for the Lolz. Then I thought it would be a good idea to get off my lazy ass and get me some breakfast.
Once again Canterlot castle fucking hates me. And I spend an hour wandering though I did see some stallion limping out of the castle. Still I was lost until I asked a royal guard where the dining room was. I'm pretty sure he said his name was Anthony but I was to tired to remember. And I trudged my way to the dining room while my eyes still adjusted to the harsh unforgiving sun.
Soon I arrived to the dining room and saw Celestia and Luna eating breakfast and they motioned me to join them.
Celestia said " Good morning my faithful subject. I assume you had a comfortable night last night?". And she flashed me her signature troll smile.
Which had me say "It couldn't have been better than you night on the town Princess Molestia. I saw that poor stallion walking out of there. Not even bothering to say goodbye. Thats pretty cold".
She flared hotter than a chilly pepper on fire and i thought she was going to rip my head off but she soon regained her composer and simply said "Please excuse me I have royal business to attend to". And quietly walked away from the table knowing that she had been beat.
I sat down next to Luna who Hoofed me in the arm and said "That was cold".
I retorted "Well it wouldn't have happened if you didn't scream so loud". And hoofed her back. She said "Whatever so when do you want to got back to Ponyville I bet your friends miss you".
For once today I felt like being a smartass and said "Aww are you already trying to get rid of me?". And flashed her my award winning puppy dog eyes. And she said " Well you could spend the day with Prince Blueblood".
Then I Proceed to yell "Fuck that shit take me home. I should kick the crap out of him for his behavior at the gala". Just then guess who decided to walk on in. The Enormous Dickheaded Prick himself. Prince Blueblood.
I then proceeded to jump on him and mercilessly beat the shit out of him I yelled " This is for Rarity Bitch! Pump pump kill! Twelve Twelve Niger Twelve!".
When Luna judged that he had enough and magiked me off of him and teleported him back to his room. And said "Well now that that's done do want to get ice cream? I love ice cream!". In her most cheerful voice. And I said "Eeyup" and we walked to the ice cream pallor. At Seven in the morning.
Finding ice cream at Seven in the morning is hard. So us being lazy people went to the store and bought tons of ice cream. We got every flavor from Flutter wonder to sonic rainboom blast. And ran back to the castle to indulge on our sugary treats and I picked up a copy of Plamare for Celestia because I felt bad. And of corse for the extra laughs.
We soon arrived at the castle and went upstairs and chowed down. Well until I got brain freeze and fell over sideways with my hooves on my head and the most twisted facial expression ever. And with my little amount of luck Celestia walks in steals MY ice cream and walks out while I'm still recovering. Stealing a guys ice cream while he's down now that's really cold. Haha get it cold? Yeah fuck oh guys too. Anyway by the time we finished what was left of the ice cream it was high noon in other words time for Luna to begin royal business and for me to go back to Ponyville. We said our goodbyes planned our next date and I began my trip back to Ponyville, but not before I left that issue of Playmare on Celestia's nightstand in her room.
Chapter 10 Luna Shits A Brick
As I expected when I returned to Ponyville Pinkie had an awesome party waiting for me. Just this isn't like the last one where I got cheated on by a gay mare, No this wasn't going to be a Partay! this was an actual civilized party. In other words this meant very laid back, very casual party.
The party started as any other Pinkie party would ,but today my heart just wasn't in it because of what happened at the last party, but I didn't want to be a drag on my friends or on anypony else so I decided to go outside and take a walk.
Right as I reached the door a blob of Pink and cotton candy stood in front of me blocking my way. She said "Someone seems down in the dumply ump umps. Is it my party!?! Did I not make you happy?". Her hair deflated a little as she finished her sentence. This just fed my sadness almost to the point of breaking.
I then replied " No Pinkie your parties are always great! But my hearts not in it today. I hope you understand". She nodded and she said with her usually cheery voice " Okie dokie lokie!". And slid away from the door to let me outside, though a certain orange mare saw me as I left the door.
The air the breeze and the sun all felt just about perfect. I felt like I was almost at perfect peace and happiness with myself until somepony pokes me in the back and makes me almost shit a brick.
Of course it was Applejack. "No" I thought I really didn't feel like doing this now. Well, now that I think about it I hate socially awkward situations so I usually avoid them entirely if all possible, but here there was no running not this time.
I turned to see my former lover one night stander persons whatever you want to call her and she said "Van we need to talk". Those word felt all to familiar to me.
Like when a teacher calls you over about grades, and when your in trouble, or even when someone tells you a family member has passed away in other words; Not good.
She continued to say "I still feel bad for what I did and ahm sorry. And though ahm not attracted to stallions we still consider you part of the Apple Family". And what she did next was unexpected.
She hands me a Stetson. It was dark brown, shaped just like hers, and it fit perfectly. I stammered "I don't know what to say". She said "I do. I love you. Brother". And we hugged in a tight hug for a good minute and she sniffled " Y'all better come down to ta farm for Applebuck season. You hear?". I said a long "Eyupp" and we hugged again and began back to the party.
My mood improved, and my burden lifted we proceeded to return to the party in high sprits to see that it was really close to over and that some guest have already filled out. So we sat at a table and told stories about our lives getting know each other better and learning about each others experiences.
"And that's how they dragged me down that hill in an office chair!" I concluded as the last guest were filling out. Apparently I had drew a crowd and the mane 6 and my friends were hanging on my every word and asking questions while my friends answered, mainly because I was to lazy. Problem?
Though everypony wanted to hear more it was getting late and we decided tonight would not be a good one to get hammered so we walked home.
When we arrived we were all pooped so we plopped down in our respective dens, popped a mountain dew and began our murderous streak in the world of Call of Duty. Xbox live enabled I might add but somehow there was a restriction that only let us talk and message to each other. Pretty crappy right? But hey it's better than nothing.
Soon though midnight was approaching and we decided that we have had enough gaming for one day and went to our bedrooms. Unfortunately for me I was really tired and barely able to formulate sentences without it coming out as random mumbles.
I soon as I reached my room with my comfy Pegasus feather bed and my fluffy dog, I see the Lunar Princess giving me a cold look and she said the words that frighten me most. "Van we need to talk".
The only thing my brain processed at the time was two words." oh shit" I thought as I gave my hasty reply by nodding my head up and down.
She said "Good lets sit down" and motioned for me to come and sit down with her. At this point I was so tired that I just started to work on impulse and yelled "Whatever I did I'm sorry! Please don't banish me or put me in a dungeon or banish me and put me in a dungeon wherever you banished me!".
Of all the things she could do she got up and gave me a stern face then busted out laughing as hard as she could and yelled between laughs "Oh Celestia that's rich! I think I'm gonna". Then I hear a loud thump and then I look down to see a brick on the floor.
That right there crossed the line it was to much hilarity for my extreme poker face. I burst out laughing as hard as I could while she began blushing and telling me to shut up. "Screw that" I thought and continued laughing with no signs of stopping. That is until she magiked my lips closed which effectively shut me up long enough for her to get back to what she really came here for.
She said "Congratulations on making amends with Applejack" I tried to say "Thanks" but my mouth was still closed. She then unzipped it and she asked "Want to go to bed now?". I was just about answer until she cut me off and said "Fuck it Screw the rules I have money and tackled me into the bed".
Chapter 11 Rough Sax
Sorry guys it's been a rough week with AP social studies and track. It's hard to find time and I hope for at least 1 or 2 chapters a week. Sorry.
Last night was as normal as any other with Luna we everyone in the house listen to our rough sax. You guys are sick. I mean our copy of the album "Rough Sax" by Pelvic Overdrive aka the best band on the face of America. And I enjoyed every single moment of it. We also then proceeded to listen to the albums "Pink Plush" and "EP Without Turner". Though the thing that had me shocked most was there was a band just like Tenacious D only they were called "TeNEIGHcious E".
Which in either case was freaking hilarious for everyone in the house, but Luna who had a pretty "What the hell are they talking about?". Face going on.Especially when she mentioned Avenged Sevenfoal.
The rest of our night went perfectly otherwise. I learned healing magic from one of Twilight's books, Cory and I made plans to go hunting in the Everfree the next morning, and Luna made me another sandwich so that made me very happy even though she kept asking me why having woman making men sandwiches was so important in our culture. I simply said "Don't worry about it". And that seemed to do the trick pretty. For awhile.
The next morning I woke up and noticed I was the only one in bed so I looked around for Luna, but instead found a note and a sandwich that she presumably made for me several hours earlier. I picked up the sandwich and sniffed it, and it smelled pretty fresh plus who can turn down salmi and cheese. Nopony that's who. I soon began eating the sandwich and reading the note. It said:
Dear Van, I hate to disappoint, but important treaty meetings between the Dragons and the Griffons have arose and I must return to Canterlot to oversee these negotiations between the two nations. I will be back when you and Cory have finished hunting this afternoon. Remember were having dinner at Le Hoof tonight when your done.
Love, Luna
P.S I looked the sandwich thing up on your phone. Not cool.
"Great" I thought. Now I have a literal goddess pissed off at me for making sexist jokes, and what would Chuck Norris do besides roundhouse kick her to the face and blow shit up. Nothing that's what. I'm on my own here, So now I'm officially fucked so maybe hunting with Cory will give me time to think of an excuse and learn how to beg for mercy. I wonder if Twilight has a book on that. "Oh well it's time for me to get going". I thought aloud as I finished off that sandwich and headed down to the basement to get my gear.
Holy Shit how do I miss the days in Call of Duty where you can just suit up in juggernaut in then seconds flat. It took me and Cory an hour and a half to even attempt to suit up so we just put on some of the Assassins Creed armor and walked out the door with our rifles and ammo in tow.
Soon we arrived at the edge of the Everfree behind Fluttershy's house. And we walked in and began to talk. "I do feel bad for scaring that shit out of her". Cory said.
I replied "Well we did need permission to go in her backyard and so she didn't think we were like the bed intruder trying to snatch Angel up". "Yeah that is true. That would be fucking creepy" he said. "Manticore two a clock! Oh shit it's coming right at us!". I yelled and we unloaded on in with our ACRs and M16s.
When we were done Cory said "Isn't the point of hunting aim for the head and using stealth?". I retorted "Yeah but that's not as fun is it? So fuck hunting lets just shoot at trees and other shit". "Fine" he simply replied and with that we moved on to find some trees to spray and pray at.
Three exhausting hours later we were finally finished we killed 13 trees and a Bush that's were all our ammo went into that one huge ass tree. It was a total pain in the ass it was literally like trying to kill a juggernaut with a pistol in other words impossible without a tactical insertion and a lot of pistol ammo. But we got what we came for and now there is a manticore hanging in our living room and it was pretty swanky, and due to the fact I was covered in blood on my white coat. I needed a bath before my date.
I went into my bathroom to see someone had left me a gift so I unwrapped it and it was a bottle of Swaggy Mc Swaggerson's Liquid Swag in a bottle with swag shampoo and body wash.I just shrugged and decided that it would smell that bad and put it on. Later I figured out that Swagpoo smelled worse than mixing all the axe deodorants together and throwing gasoline on it. Literally I smelled like a dumpster for shampoos and decided that my date was worth more than my pride and walked inside the restaurant.
Upon entering the restaurant I saw Luna waiting for me at the table and waved at me to join her.
"That actually explains a lot". I thought as the waiter took our orders I decided to play it safe and order a hay burger with hay fries extra crispy. While she ordered foin hamburger frites et de foin supplémentaire croustillant. Whatever the fuck that is and we while we waited for our food we decided to talk.
We were soon deep in conversation and I ended "And that's how Grant got dumped". She looked at me sadly and Said two words that confirmed that she stole my phone she said "Forever alone". And flashed me her best troll face. "OMG I thought" she knows what a troll face is and I pulled up Damnlol.com and brought that Obama meme that said "I know what you did there". And we just sat there and laughed a full five minutes until our food came.
Hey guys I was wondering if somebody would like to do a piece of cover art and more than one person submits art the winner will be chosen and they will get a shout out along with a OC in the story. Also we actually padded me up in real life and rolled me down a hill in an office chair. Hurt like hell. That's all. Enjoy.
-Van
Chapter 13 The Sonic Painboom
After all that food I ate I felt like Twilight after she went to that Apple Family reunion. "Uggghhh" I thought as Luna and I sluggishly trudged down the dark and barren roads of Ponyville.
"Never again will such a feat be preformed". Luna quietly said." Really Van 21 plates of hay fries!?! Your a total fatass!". I rolled to the ground and begged "No Royal Canterlot Voice Pleaseeeee".
She continued "Only if you promise never to do that again. Seriously it took alicorn magic and 6 Emt ponies to bring you back from that heart attack"." That was pretty embarrassing".
I thought aloud and before I knew it we were at the house and we went inside to say our goodbyes and plan on meeting again.
The next morning I felt good. Really good aside from the fact that I had a dream where I was playing MW3 with my friends and Vespi's while we got fucking owned by Chuck Norris. Which was wired because now I have a sudden urge to find a build a bear around here and dress it up like a doctor. Not to mention my other dream about the double headed didl.Never mind. But aside from that I felt so good that I could even sing all theway to the heavens. Then an orgasmic idea hit me straight in the face and I rushed down the stairs to tell everyone the plan. It was pretty complicated and it wouldn't work without the help of a certain mint unicorn.
"And that's the plan". I concluded as we all finished our breakfasts. All of them had their mouths agape. Grant was the first to speak and said "Dude let's do this". And then we Six way Brohoofed and rushed to grab everything we needed. Two guitars, a megaphone, a guitar case, and a certain mint unicorn named Lyra and ran to the center of Ponyville.
"Are you sure this is going to work?". Lyra skeptically asked. "Hell yeah it is! Just play your music". Elliott replied. Just then Cory yelled into the microphone. Shit was about to hit the fan he yelled "Ponyville turn your attention this way because we are about to blow your minds!". And in about ten minutes just about everypony in Ponyville was crowded around us and I pointed to Lyra to begin. She, Graham, and Grant began to play the soft the soft melody and then Elliott, Graham, and I began to sing.
Can't you see she's a mare
If you think its time to fucking rock,
Cause when you rule, you fucking school,
They are going to kick your fucking ass,
Rocking and fucking rolling,
Right there I barely could control my laughter as everpony just stared at us in udder disbelief until Pinkie started cheering and soon everypony else was to and some even threw bits on the stage which we gave to Lyra of for her amazing efforts, but at the end of the day all I could think of was; Successful troll is successful.
"Damn dude!". Cory yelled as we reentered our home. We all had the same smug looks on our faces as we walked into the kitchen. Jacob agreed and said "To celebrate we should do what we were going to do in two weeks after Graham's sleepover". We all yelled "Juggernaut and office chairs! Fuck yeah!".
The next morning we all assembled on Ponyville's largest lethal hill. Each of us in juggernaut and a different office chair which we purchased from Quills and Sofas earlier that morning. Ironically due to contrary belief they also sell other stuff that we can stupid shit with so double freaking whammy! Then realized that we needed someone to start the race. I turned and saw a rainbow colored mess on the cloud next to us so I knew we were up high.
I yelled "Rainbow Dash wake the fuck up!". And she mumbled and jumped off her cloud and said "Hey sexy guy. What do you want?". I looked at her stupidly and then replied "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that first part, but we need you to start this race". She was now fully awake and blushed while she said "Opps sorry, but yeah just get everyone ready".
I smiled and said "There already here". And motioned to everyone patiently sitting on the back of their office chairs waiting for the ride of their lives.
Everyone was ready, the finish judges were set, and Rainbow Dash began the countdown. "Everpony on your mark". I licked my lips. "Get set". My muscles tensed." GO!".
I pushed of with all my force and all my facial features were pulling back and I turned over to see only Cory was left next to me he pointed at me then flipped out. I then noticed the mock cone forming around the sides of my chair and the sparks flying all around.
"Awww Shitttttttt". Was the last thing the finishing judges could hear before breaking the viable light spectrum behind me.
When I finally stopped I wobbled out of the chair, threw up, and called Elliott for help who said people were now instead of a Sonic Rainboom they were calling it the Sonic Painboom, and Apparently I ended up halfway to Manehattan. I Consider it a huge achievement to be the first unicorn ever to perform a Sonic Rainboom and not to mention the only on to do it in an office chair.
Soon I was flown via Pegasus pony back to Ponyville where a huge crowd of people were waiting for me. Apparently word get put out fast around here and Twilight, one of our finish judges got it on Jacob's phone camera. We soon hooked it up to a flat screen and saw it all even the fact that I accidentally blew mayor mare off her hoofs and she declared a state of emergency because I was a threat to the citizens of Ponyville.
Thankfully it was a false alarm and everything was fine though I had to spend the night in the hospital to check if that had messed up any of my vitals. In other words I was going to be so bored that I would rather watch paint dry, or so I thought until a certain visitor came to cheer me up.
Chapter 13 THIS IS SPARTA!
"No way". I thought as she trotted in. My visitor was the one and only Octavia Philharmonica. (Squee!) She had apparently bought me dinner and bought me my saxophone to help cheer me up. She had wanted to see me after Vinyl had heard me playing up in my room while she was crossing the street on the way back from one of her gigs. I then noticed that she had brought her cello and she softly smiled at me and asked if I'd like to play with her outside.
I replied "Sure and we walked out onto the deck and unpacked our instruments and began to play pitch to pitch, note to note, harmony to melody, solo to chord solo, and finally finished with a soft decrescendo to quietly end our perfect piece. She smiled at me genuinely and said "Please come to Canterlot hall next week.
I have some people I'd like you to meet. Have a good night". And with that she trotted off and left me to stare at the moon and all of it's beauty.
The next week was very uneventful aside from the one interesting thing that happened. On Saturday we decided it would be a good idea to try on the Spartan 2 armor and walk around Ponyville.
The suit worked just like it said it would. Hell we even hit each other over the head with a katana to see if it really did anything. Though there was something new that came with the suit. Something the Spartans used but they didn't use. It came with a Xiophous short sword that glossed with superheated plasma when activated along with a spear similar to the sword and a shield that was made of titanium and had a waning moon on it. We decided that if we ever needed to fight it would be a good to fight in a phalanx because of it's efficiency. Because duh everyone has seen 300. Best movie ever. Though aside from that nothing else happened that week.
It was Monday morning and I had woken up at the crack of dawn and took the trip to Canterlot mainly because I hate being late and the fact that Luna .
She had promised me something special if I came early to spend some "Time" with her so all the more better for me. After about an hour trip and watching somepony fall asleep on a newspaper we arrived and I walked off the train and headed to Canterlot castle to see my little Lulu who really hates that nickname because she's taller than me.
Soon the castle was in sight and my hopes were getting up high along with my nerves becoming jumpy from all the press attention I've been getting. I from a distance I a blip at the entrance, but as I progressed I saw that the shape was none other than the fiend himself Prince Blueblood. I walked up to him to get into the castle he was standing at the entrance with the gate raised in shining royal armor.
He said in his snobby voice "Villain thou shall not have entrance to this castle". "Awww Hell no I thought". Then I got the best idea ever and I yelled "Bitch! THIS IS SPARTA!". And bucked him into the mote that was around the castle and then magiked the gate open as Prince Blueblood slipped beneath the waves. Only after I got in he raised himself out of the murky depths and silently muttered a curse for standing next to the mote and trotted off to the beauty salon to get his mane restyled.
I arrived in the castle to see Little notes and hints that eventually led to her room. When I walk in I see her laying on the bed only wearing her socks. So lets just say I had to flip my dolphin if you know what I mean which she happened to notice because I wasn't wearing pants and slid over so the fun could begin.
3 sessions and a shower later I happily walked out of Canterlot castle with a goofy grin on my face only to have it smashed by the sight of the prince with two guards to arrest me. But what Blueblood didn't know was I had an excuse ready. He said "Arrest him for assault". I replied "Nope can't do that because you see that room?".
I pointed to Luna's room. " I just banged her three times and were dating so that makes us brothers, and when were brothers you challenged my honor on the bridge so I Sparta kicked you therefore I win and I should have you arrested for unfair contest because you had armor.
The first guard said "That sounds fair. Arrest him for armored assault". He pointed a hoof to Blueblood who tried to make a run for it I yelled to him "Your just making it worse by resisting arrest!". And I was laughing my plot all the way to Canterlot concert hall.
A walked in to the hall. It was massive and Octavia was waiting for me she scowled "Your late. I hate late people".
I said "Sorry Prince Blueblood was being an enormous douche so I had him arrested". She looked shocked she asked "How in blazes did you do that?!?". We sat down and I recalled the while story to her except the sex.
Kind of had to leave that out. She just nodded and said "So now your an unofficial prince. Right?". I said "I guess so". She asked "Does the press know of your relationship?".
I replied "Yeah their so freaking annoying. I had to put stun grenade launchers outside the house to keep the press away". "Ouch". She said. "Yeah I replied". Then we sat there in awkward silence for awhile. Until I asked "Where are these people you want me to meet?". She said "Come with me their waiting in the other room".
With that we walked into the next room to see four ponies patiently awaiting my arrival.
Chapter 14 Drunk Ponies
On the other side of that door I saw four ponies that I instantly knew all of them from last episode in season 1. I pointed my hoof to the brown pony with a white mane on my left and said "Hello my name is Van. It's a pleasure to meet you".
While I extended my hoof which he took into a quick fast hand shake. He said "Hello my name is Fredric Horseshoepin. Octavia has said a lot about you its an honor to finally meet you".
I replied with a short nod and turned to the next pony who was an aqua blue pony with a brown mane. I said the same thing as I did to Fredric and she replied "HELLO MY NAME IS BEAUTY BRASS".
Then she toned down her voice and said "It's a pleasure to me you". I replied with my ears still ringing "I as well". And moved on to the next pony.
He was a dark blue stallion with a lighter mane and I said "You must be Harpo. Don't worry you don't have to say anything. It's just nice to meet you".
I then extended my hoof which he gradually took and quietly replied "Charmed". I turned to the last pony in the room and said "Sup Vinyl". She replied with a nod of the head. And before I was going to say something else Octavia said "Well Van let's see what you can do.
Also we had the pleasure of having someone bring you in some more saxophones so here your are". I look around in the corner of the room to see a tenor, a Bari, and a soprano. I picked up the soprano licked my lips and began to play "My Favorite Things" by John Coltrane. Then I realized how bad it sounded with no background and said "Wait a minute and warped back to Ponyville.
I arrived in Ponyville in about ten seconds flat to see that my friends haven't really moved from the TV since I left that morning I said "Hey I need you guys to come with me and grab your instruments". They all rushed up the stairs and grabbed their instruments.
Graham had a guitar, Grant had a piano, a tenor, and a guitar, Jacob had a base, Elliott had a simple track set, and Cory grabbed his laptop and 6 microphones and I yelled "Hold On!". And we transported back to Canterlot.
With a poof we were back in the Canterlot Music Hall with all our equipment I pointed to the four stunned ponies and said "Go sit in the seats we got a treat for you".
Five minutes later we got onto the Stage and began to play "Take Five" by Dave Brubeck and once we were done I asked "So how was it?". Everypony said some analogy to amazing except Vinyl who said "Meh kinda boring if you ask me". I replied with a grin and said "I thought you would say that".
We then walked back to the stage and began to play something that I thought we would never have the coordination to play. "Undead" by Hollywood Undead soon blasted though the speakers while we spit our busted rhythms every so often switching from time to time to take the places of Charlie Scene, Da Kurlzz, Danny, Funny Man, J-Dog and, Johnny 3 Tears. And when our legendary performance was finished I did what any sensible pony would do. I dropped the mic with a might bang and looked to see five ponies with their jaws on the floor.
The first think I heard from out audience of five was from Vinyl was "Holy sweet Celestia. That. Was .Awesome!". We took our bow and looked at Fredric who still had his jaw on the ground. He noticed me and picked his jaw off the floor, put it back up where it should be and said "Not bad for what these kids nowadays are calling Rock and or Roll".
He said with a slight smile on his face. I turned to Octavia who had also apparently picked her jaw up off the floor and said "Not bad". And with that I yelled "Yes! Octavia likes metal! Who wants drinks? First rounds on this guy!". And pointed to Jacob. We all yelled "Yeah!". As loud as the Cutie Mark Crusaders and barged out the door. Leaving a stunned Jacob behind.
Three hours some beer and some hard apple cider shots later we were drunk. No other subtle way to put it. We were flat out wasted, but thankfully even while drunk Octavia has good judgment so we decided to crash at her place for the night because I couldn't even pick up my shot glass with this weak impaired magic. We sooner or later arrived at her place and I don't remember much after that, aside from hurling and flopping out on the couch along with thinking that I'm gonna feel like shit come morning.
The next morning hit me like a car. Scratch that more like a truck with a meteor attached to it. Holy shit my head hurt like hell, the sun was to damn bright, and I had that weird dream about Vespi again only this time all six of my friends got slaughtered. I walked through the piles of assorted bodies trying to find the kitchen to see Grant and Vinyl snuggled up on the floor and decided to be a troll and take a picture for future references on how hammered he got.
I soon noticed that I was the first to wake up and decided to trudge to the bathroom because I don't like barfing in the same toilet as everypony, and seize the opportunity. After a minute session of though I came to the conclusion that I might as well to go first. After my awesome hurl session I decided that I would at least try to make myself look decent when everypony else woke up and decided to look in the mirror to see that I was wearing a certain someone's little pink bow tie.
"Shit". I thought as I combed my mane into a reasonable style and walked out of the bathroom to see that everypony was still sleeping aside from Grant and Vinyl who were still snuggled up. I decided to look at this display of peacefulness until someone went up behind me and grabbed my shoulders.
It was Octavia. I said "Ummm here's your bow tie". and handed to her, but surprisingly she pushed it back and said in a low and seductive voice "Mmmnnn Why? Your going to need it for round two". My fears have been confirmed, and now I felt sick. I needed fresh air fast.
I said " Ummm let me go outside. I need some fresh air". She winked and said " Sure just don't to long sexy". And with that I briskly walked out the door and thought. "Sheew home free".
Until I bumped into Luna right outside the door who said "Van, We need to talk".
Shit.
Chapter 15 The Fiddler
And this concludes a good weekend of writing.
-Van
We walked out into the hallway of the apartment flat in silence until she said "What were you doing with that mare?". I replied "Nothing. I just got drunk and slept over there". She smiled and said "Well that's great aside from the part of you having SEX with her!".
And from what was a peaceful conversation became an alarm clock for the entire flat in about three seconds. She continued "Why would you do that!?! Am I not good enough for you? Your trash you know that?!? Go to hell!". And hoofed me in the face to where I proceeded to pass out right on the floor while she teleported away with tears in her eyes.
The next thing I knew I was awake, but everything was black. So I assumed that I was awake in a dream while I'm sleeping. (Inception I think so). I look around and see that I'm in a place that looks like The End from minecraft minus all the endermen wandering around. I looked around and I saw three ponies just three wandering the barren plane just as I was.
I recognized all three of them the one on the left was Nico the asshole who pushed encouraged me to my doom using the "Magic of Friendship" excuse, Sir Buck Apple who was on the right was just standing there looking into the distance, and Firewall the pony dating Luna in another human in Equestria story was rubbing his head and looking like he took a severe beating from an abuse parent.
I approached and asked "Where are we?". Nico replied "We are in the place where Luna sends us when we piss her off. Dumbass".
I replied "Well I know why I'm here, but why are you three here. Hell, Buck I heard you were a great guy what happened?" he replied "Ah told her that her hips looked bigger in that fancy fluttery dress".
I pointed to Nico and asked "And you?". He said "Fucked her to hard". I replied "Nice bro". And held out my hoof for a Brohoof which he happily took.
I turned to Buck just about to ask if he got some, but then i decided to talk to Firewall I asked "Hey why are you here?". He said "I didn't do anything wrong just during one our playful fights she hit to hard".
I said "I feel you bro she tends do that a lot". I was just about to ask Nico more about his life with Luna until noticed that I was starting to deteriorate.
Nico said "Don't worry bro that's just what happens when you begin to wake up. No worries". I said "Cool, see you guys when we all happen to piss off Luna again". They replied "See ya bro".
And I melted back into the real world. Otherwise known as the hard unforgiving floor.
I woke up kind of like when in Call Of Duty where your vehicle is blown up where it's all blurry and you look down at your hands and slowly get up off the ground while that cool beeping sound thing plays. Though it seems like that it would take about five second to do this in game, but in reality it takes around five minutes and the lights above you aren't really helping you adjust from being knocked out for. Checks clock.
An hour and a half. Holy shit! I told Octavia I would be gone long"I wonder if she's worried about me?". I contemplated "Nah". I thought and walked back to the room that I was staying.
I walk back into the room to see everypony sitting on the couch with a worried look on their faces, except Octaiva who had a very obvious look of guilt on shame etched into her features.
I walk in to the room and say "Umm Hi". Grant said "Dude where have you been?".
Jacob continued "Yeah you've been gone for like an hour where the hell did you go?". I replied "Oh Luna took me into the hallway to talk about what I did then knocked me out. Any questions?".
Fredric began to say something until I facehoofed and said "That was rhetorical". And walked out to see if actual fresh air would help me think of a solution to my problem.
Then it hit me. Back at home there was always someone who could help me with my problems. His name was Michael or for short we all called him The Fiddler. He solved just about every problem I could throw at him back at home and he specializes in girl problems.
But how could I reach him? Xbox? Nope. Phone. Nope. What esle could there be? Just then Pinkie jumped out of nowhere and said "Oh here you can use my phone that I sometimes break the fourth wall with, and remember hit nine to open a portal to Equestria also that phone only has one portal left. Bye".
Then she proceeded to jump into the sky and disappear. "That was Fucking weird". I thought as I tried to remember The Fidder's number to dial into the reality breaking phone.
Three minutes and a mind purge later I retrieved his number from the very back of my mind to dial into that blasted phone. I carefully dialed him number and heard him say "Hello?".
I said "Hey Michael it Van". I just imagined his face on the other side of the line.
He said "Van? Where are you? Your alive? Where are you? Where you molested?". I said "None of that matters now. Wait molested? Never mind, but I need you to grab a frozen pizza, your phone and some skittles then walk back to your room.
Do not hang up your phone". He said "Alright". And gathered all his materials and came back to his phone and asked "Now what?". I hit Nine and said "Step forward".
The last thing I hear from the phone before a pony appears in front of me with a duffel bag of what I presume are the goodies was a long loud "FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU".
Gangs All Here
Chapter 16 Gangs All Here
Three hours later Michael woke up from falling face first into Equestia. I was sitting by him in the street making sure that nobody tried to steal his stuff. Yes, I should have taken to a hospital, but I decided that if he was dead than it would be a waste of my bits. I did just realized that i haven't looked at him yet he was a unicorn with a fiddle as his cutie mark, had a light brown coat, a darker brown mane, and (opens eyes) bright sky blue eyes.
After making my observations on his appearance I waited and waited and waited some more until I was just about to fuck it and pronounce him dead as a doorknob he woke up and grabbed my back hoof and finished his sentence with a "CCCCCKKKKK".
Until he noticed that he had grabbed my leg and said "Sorry mister, but can you tell me where I am?". I said "Michael it Van and were in Equestria!". He looked at me stupidly and asked "Equestiwhere?".
I facehoofed and said "Land of the ponies". Apparently the light bulb went on and he said "Oh yeah Equestria wait can I ever go home?". I said "Nope".
He replied "Great I hated that place. Now can you give me a tour of where your living?". I said "Sure, but it's defiantly not here. Hold on". And we transported back to Ponyville.
With a flash we arrived in Ponyville of the store Fiddles n Stuff. I looked over at him and said "To celebrate you coming here I'm going to buy you the best damn fiddle you've ever seen". "Fuck Yeah!".
He yelled in his loudest voice which seemed to attract a lot of people towards him. Lots were wondering who his this new mystery pony was and why he was randomly shouting obstinacies in the middle of a public full of fillies.
I motioned him to go in and said "Alright let's go inside before someone calls the royal guard on your ass". And we walked inside to Fiddles n Stuff to find ourselves a high quality instrument.
Three long hours late of fiddle browsing Michael finally found himself the perfect fiddle. A hardwood oak, custom stringed, specially handcrafted, fucking expensive as hell fiddle. It cost OVER 9000 bits and we were starting to run low so we would have to ask Celestia for more bits soon, but that doesn't matter now because Michael is happy and he has an infinite supply of cheese pizza! So how can I be mad at him for having to spend 9000 bits besides we'd probably eat about that much in pizza anyway so I guess I still owe hike even more of that.
After our little shipping trip we finally took out tour. We went to Twilight's library, Sweet Apple Acres, Rarity's Boutique, Town Square, and finally our house where we opened the door and looked in to see everypony on the couch relaxing.
Cory said "Hey who's this fucker?". Elliott looked over at him and said "Looks familiar but I can't put my finger. Fuck! Hoof on it". A light bulb went off in Graham's head and he said "Is that a fiddle?".
Michael said "Yes And If you don't know who I am you will now!". And played his solo part from the song "Little Girls" ft Austin. And when he was finished him everyone said in unison "Van is that the fiddler?".
I replied "Damn straight". Jacob asked "How in Fucks name did you get him in here?". I Said " Pinkie has a phone that can break the fourth wall and open portals to get here, but not back.
Also his brought pizza". " Elliott started again "So how in fuck name does that work". I said "Pinkie Pie. Don't ask". That seemed to do the trick for them and I said "Lets do something we haven't done for a long time, but we did it every time we say each other".
Michael asked "And what might that be".
I started to say something, but Cory effectively cut me off and yelled "Blow Shit Up!".
Graham yelled "Fuck Yeah!". And I yelled " To Quills and Sofas for explosives! Away!". And we all trotted of to get our explosives for a fun night.
After exhaustion just about all our bits we finally had enough explosives to have some fun. We went out to one of the more remote parts of the town to blow our shit up. We grabbed some Semtex, some frag grenades, C4, and some TNT and we were going to blow up stuffed animals on a wide open plane.
We placed our animals down and I said "Michael since your new you have the honors here so have the first explosion. I hoofed him a frag grenade and he said "Thanks. Now let's get it on! Frag Out!". And chucked his grenade at a nearby manticore doll and effectively blew it to high hell.
After we ran out of explosives and stuffed animals we decided that it would be about time to walk home. I said to Michael "Hey I have a problem for you to solve".
He said " Let me guess. Women". I replied "Yep". He said quizzically "explain your problem". I elaborated with my story and when I was finished he said " Well it seems to me that you have some apologizing to do just say "I was drunk I didn't mean it. I'm sorry and I'll never do it again please forgive me. That's most likely your best move".
I yelled at him " Michael that will never work! It's the biggest rip-off of every chick flick ever!". He replied defensively "Then you figure it out dumbass".
I gave in and said "Fine I'll go to Canterlot as soon as possible and just then Elliott burst in the room and says "Guys we have a problem".
One Does Not Simply Pony Into Mordor
Chapter 18 One Does Not Simply Pony In Mordor.
Guys that guy asked for it so there will probably be no chapter on Sunday due to major grammatical editing. It has to be done. Also I Derped the chapters up that was tomorrows chapter so have two.
-Van
After stuffing ourselves with a ridiculous amount of icecream we went back to the castle for you guessed it makeup sex because everypony knows that makeup sex is the best sex. I'm I right haters?
The next morning we both woke up happily in each others arms. I was just happy that we were back together and that she wasn't pissed at me. That alone is worth more than all the icecream in Equestria and Earth combined. We both woke up snuggled for awhile and then got hungry and decided to grab some food, and on top of that I didn't get lost my day just seems to be getting better and better what could actually go wrong? Scratch that. That's a terrible question.
Within about five minutes we were sitting at the table eating our food. Princess Celestia and Blueblood were also present. Celestia started by saying " So I presume you guys had lots of Fun past last evening?".
I replied " Yes we did. Problem?". This time Blueblood spoke up in his fancy hoity toity voice and said "Do not to make aunt that way!".
I wittily replied " Do you want me to Sparta kick you of a bridge again and mess up your mane? You were pretty lucky that they let you off the hook for unfair assault". Now he looked scared he said in a whisper " Anything but my precious mane". The rest of the breakfast was eaten in silence aside from the fact that I was cracking jokes at Luna the while time so there was always the occasional giggle or something like that.
Soon breakfast was finished and Luna actually didn't have to do anything today so we decided that it would be a good idea to go to Ponyville for a day and just have some quality time together, but right as we were getting on the carriage I tried flicking Blueblood the bird, but then I realized that I didn't have fingers. Regardless he fainted and Celestia was shooting me a big smile so I'm pretty sure that it worked perfectly.
We arrived in about ten minutes as usual and thought it would be a good idea to go back to the house to grab a picnic basket so we could go eat at the park. When we approached the house I saw Grant arguing with a mare outside the house I saw the hat, the cape, and the cutie mark and I instantly knew who it was and ran to go tackle hug her as fast as I could. KABOOM! I hit her as hard as a truck on accident obviously
. You can't blame me I was to freaking happy she yelled " Who is this simpleton who dares to assault The Great And Powerful Trixie!?!".
Grant said " Thank god you tackled her she was being a massive bitch even more than Jacob when he's pissed and that's saying something. She even said one CAN simply pony into Mordor it's not possible!".
I retorted "Trixie isn't a bitch! She great and powerful, but one cannot simply pony into Mordor it's not possible". Trixie said "Thank Celestia someone appreciates Trixie's talent, and I have ponied into this Mordor many times over.".
Grant yelled "That's a lie and nopony loves your massive ego. Hell I'm pretty sure that our house is roughly one third the size of your massive ego".
He even pointed to our house for extra emphasis and our house was pretty fucking huge. Grant continued to say "I'm getting her out of here". And picked up his phone and began to call someone. All I heard was "Two minutes? Dude you owe me big time. Fine thirty seconds. I'll take it. Yes were even now. Alright hurry. Bye".
He hug up the phone and I looked at him and asked "Who was that?". He patted me on the shoulder and said " Don't worry about it". Just then Ghost Rider comes on his mother fucking death cycle and grabs Trixie by the skull and drives off. I just stare into the distance dumbfounded while Grant yells " That's right nobody can simply pony into Mordor! Bitch!".
Luna walks up beside me having seen the whole thing and says "Kinda harsh don't you think?". I said "Naw, it's Grant and nopony argues with him about what and what can (insert verb here) into Mordor".
She replied "Well that's interesting, but pets pretend this did happen and let's get our food". I said "Good idea". And we walked inside to assemble our picnic.
About half and hour half later we were finally ready to go and peacefully eat our picnic in the park. As soon as we arrived we sat down and saw that ponies were staring at us.
She said "Van, I'm not comfortable with all the ponies looking at us". I said "Well it looks like we will be eating on top of Ponyville dam where we can get some privacy". She said "That sounds perfect". And she nuzzled me and the second she did a shit ton of paparazzi appeared and we were hailed with a shower of flashes and camera ponies.
I yelled "Oh shit meet me there!". And with that we both teleported on top of the dam. She said "Well looks like were making headlines". I said "Whoppie! I'm celebrity!".
She said "Now's not the time to whoopieing Now's the time to think about how we could avoid the paparazzi so we can get back to your house because I'm dead tired from teleporting magic today especially because I had to track down one of my subjects that was stolen by Ghost Rider".
I said "Yeah that's my bad, but can we at least first? I'm pretty hungry". She replied "Sure why the hell not?".
I yelled in a playful voice "Atta girl let's eat".
Chapter 19 Lucks A Bitch
As soon as we were finished we came up with our game plan first we would make it to Fluttershy's cottage, then sneak to Sweet Apple Acres, then stealth walk Rarity's Boutique, and finally Assassins Creed run on the rooftops to Twilights where she will transport us back to our house. This plan had about a 1 to 1000 chance of working, but it was worth a shoot.
We stepped off the balcony of the Dam and put put one hoof on the ground "So far so good". I thought just then I heard a loud "There they are!". I yelled "Shit! Time for plan B RUN!".
We began to sprint as fast as out hooves would take we finally made it down town and I grabbed my iPhone and began to play the Benny Hill theme as loud as the speakers would go.
We ran into multiple ally ways around a fountain and around the same tree twice until we finally outmaneuvered them and made it into Twilight's house she asked "Where have you guys been? Why are you sweaty? And what are you playing?".
Then I realized that I left the Benny Hill theme on repeat and turned it off. I replied that is the Benny Hill Theme. Personal Pronoun: A catchy theme usually played when you are being chased by a large number of people. She replied "Well I'll have to keep that in mind, but what brings you here?".
Luna said "We require your assistance in teleporting us back to our house". Her ears went down and said "Oh ok hold on". I quickly said "Oh and a book on advanced magic". Her ears perked up quickly when she heard magic she asked "Levitation? Physics? Teleporting? Oh or maybe Fusion? Oh and Elementals For Eggheads is a good one too".
I said "I think I'll take Elementals For Eggheads and your best book on advanced fusion please". She said with a smile "Coming right up". Luna nudged me and said "That was very sweet of you". I joked and said "Me Van not sweet me king". She giggled and said "You'll have to tell me what that means later".
I said "How about now Twilight always wants to learn more about human culture". Just then Twilight walks in with two books I say "Hey Twilight, want to watch a human television show? It's educational for you!". She squealed cutely. "I take that as a yes then?". I joked and I went to YouTube to get find a good episode of the 80's transformers show so I decided that we would watch the movie not the new CGI one the good old classic.
I would occasionally pause the movie to point out a character or fill a plot hole, but by the end they wanted more. So I did the most reasonable thing I had Luna make an iPhone copy with blocked restrictions of course so she could watch every Transformers ever made. Why? Because Transformers is bossing.
Soon we were finished and we had her teleport us back to our house that was surrounded by paparazzi and news reporters. I turned to Luna who had devised a plan her plan was to yell that we were going another way. My plan said that we got riot shields and pepper spray, but due to saying something about keeping the peace we tried her plan first.
She went up the ladder that leads to the roof and she yelled in her royal Canterlot Voice "Hey they went over there!". The all turned to the roof and Pegasus photographers were all over her and she retreated back to the safety of our home.
Time for plan B We all ran down to the basement while Luna sent a letter authorizing deadly force and sent royal guard to assist us. Within in a matter of minutes they were here and cleared the sky of any pesky news reporters.
We then all geared up until Cory said "Hey! Why don't just load stun rounds into the sentry guns?".
Jacob said "Yeah and our weapons to". "And maybe even into the Vulcan on the roof". Graham finished. I said "Wait you guys installed a Vulcan on the roof?".
They then nodded at me like I was stupid or something I just shrugged my shoulders and said "Cool now where's the mega phone?".
Next we all got on the roof everyone with ARs loaded with stun rounds, six flash grenades, and three sentry guns with stun rounds for good measure.
I yelled to the audience "Attention assholes! We are giving you three minutes to clear of before we open fire with stun rounds". One pony in the audience yelled "We can beat his stun rounds they mean nothing!".
I yelled back "Wanna bet?". And shot him in the chest with a round that shocked him and poofed his hair out to where it was messier than Pinkie's.
I yelled again "That was one round and that sentry gun has about 1,000 of them and anything that's living in range will be hit also you have a minute left".
They all scrambled from the premises of the house I today everypony and said "That was easy". Until I noticed that I was on the ledge of the house with a terribly placed sentry gun in front of me that was preparing to fire. Lucks A Bitch.
And as the first bullet left the chamber I said to myself "At Least I will be over quickly.
Maybe I'll even look like a pancake in one of those movies. Scratch that I don't was to die, but I can move I wonder what's below me?".
Then I crashed into the bushes I thought "I'm Alive! But my head hurtssssss". Then I passed out, and sadly to say with my body looking like it was a doll thrown across the room by a six year old girl.
The Plan
Chapter 20 The Plan
I woke up to see that Celestia's sun was slowly rising up the horizon. I thought to myself "Shit what in then name of all that's good happened yesterday?". T
hen it came back to me *Right, sentry guns*. I thought as I took a minute to examine my surroundings. I saw whitewash walls, a bandage on my left hoof, and bright floodlights above my head.
Yep I was defiantly in a hospital. After I had finished gathering my thoughts Nurse Redheart walked in and said "Oh your awake! It's nice to see you again".
I replied "Again? Oh right the Painboom incident. Yeah. Personally I'd prefer not to talk about that". She said "Perfectly understandable, but you will be staying here for about a week or so. You suffered a minor concussion and a broken right leg, but that does mean you can spend more time with me!".
She smiled brightly at me which I quickly returned not knowing if I should feel complemented, aroused, or confused all together.
She quickly regained her composure and said "Breakfast will be here soon we are having oatmeal, toast, and apple slices today. I can fed you if you'd like". I looked to my horn and said "Magic". Her ears dropped and she said "Oh. Well yes I forgot I'll just get out of your hair then".
And what really made my heart drop was when she got outside I heard "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! You always got to get nervous and buck up! Especially in front of the nice the nice stallions! This is exactly why you don't have a Colt friend, or never been on a date, or any real friends for that matter. Sigh, I should just give up. Nopony would never want talk to a boring nurse like me ". Then I heard footsteps trotting away from the room until they were completely gone.
Ok right there I had to admit I felt pretty shitty my heart felt like somepony took a million of the cutest puppies and drop kicked them off a bridge to smash a ton of starving African children that lived in poverty that had tons of food hanging above then that was just out of reach. In other words I felt like crap and I decided that I needed to make it up to her somehow, but how? Then an idea came.
A couple of minutes later she arrived with breakfast and before she left I said "Hey could you stick around because when I'm finished I want to talk to you".
She turned and said "About what? I told you that you'd be out of here next week". Fortunately my love and tolerance levels were very high or I would have just aborted the while plan right there I continued by saying " No, I want to know about you, and you said you wanted to know about me and also you seem kinda lonely. Like you need a friend".
She looked at me with teary eyes and said "Thank you. You don't know how much I need somepony right now". Then she ran over to me and began crying on my shoulder which at first gave me a pretty big da fuck face, but I thought better and awkwardly hugged her back.
As soon as her little crying session was over we walked onto the deck to begin talking about everything. Apparently medical terms were still the same in Equestria as they were on Earth, and she was surprised at my vast medical terminology. "That health science class actually paid off" I thought as she continued telling me how surgical asepsis laws got a big overhaul last year, and that it was costing more and more money to sterilize equipment. While I penitently nodded my head and listened while a great idea began to formulate in my head.
Finally after a whole fucking week of just sitting in a whitewash room they finally released me. My leg had made a full recovery and I suffered no brain damage. After I got out I picked up some roses, got the rest of my plan ready to go, and remembered how I got to where I was now . *Three Hours Earlier* "Hello?" Somepony on the other line answered. I said "Hey Grant, Its me Van and I need you to do me a favor".
He replied "Come on dude really? Fine what is it?". I said " You need to tell Luna to come to the hospital. I need to talk to her". He said "Fine, but you owe me".
I said " No, remember that time you needed that favor with girl problems because you or Jacob couldn't figure out why she was so pissed?".
Silence until I heard "Fine but now were even. Deal?". I replied "Deal. Bye". and hung up the phone and began think about what I should say to Luna.
About ten minutes later Luna appeared at my hospital room and asked "Van what did you need me here so urgently for?". I said "Well Nurse Redheart has problems making friends and getting a date.
So for the last couple of days I've been talking to her, and keeping her company. Now that I'm checked out I kinda want to make her a little happier and take her out to dinner". She said "So like at date?".
I said "Sorta, but just as friends". She shrugged her shoulders and said "Sure, but any sexual intercourse must go through me and I would prefer to be included".
I replied "Sure that will work. Your the best Marefriend ever". She looked at me and gave me a witty smile and said "I know". *Present Time*. "Time to get this show on the road". I thought as walked back into the hospital with a bouquet of flowers.
Chapter 21 The Plan Part 2
When I entered the hospital I looked around for my prize and found that she had her uniform off and that she had been excused from the night shift. I walked up to her and said "Hello Nurse Redheart".
She said "Hello Van are you here to see that special someone?".
I said "Yes I am. Would you like to go to dinner with me?". She looked shocked and said "Yes! Wait aren't you dating Princess Luna?".
I said "Yes, but I also heard that you've never been on a date before. So being a loyal subject Luna and I decided that I could take you out tonight".
She looked at me and said "I didn't know that someone actually cared for me". She began to tear up. "Oh shit not this again"I thought as she began to release the floodgates all over my back which earned us several weird glances from the other patents waiting to be treated. I said "Come on umm". She said "Please call me Sparkler". "Sparkler? Why?".
She replied "Oh it's what everypony calls me because I got my cutie mark while my brothers were playing with fireworks and one exploded in his hoof. I immediately fixed him up with some bandaids and some gauze, but it wasn't until I was finished I noticed that my cutie mark had appeared".
She asked "Hey Van. What's yours?". I replied "It's hard to explain and it's along story so I'll tell it when we get to the restaurant".
We soon arrived at a cafe near the center of town that was supposed to be famous for the dandelion sandwiches that they served. We both sat down at a table it had a bright red cloth, flowers in the middle, and lit candles on the side. After we ordered stinks she asked "Now about that long story that you needed to tell".
I said "Oh yeah. So it all starts when we decided to go to my friend Graham's house for a regular sleepover". One meal, Two beers, and two hours later I finished telling my story up to the paparazzi chasing Luna and I across town.
She patiently listen and nodded when appropriate during the story and when I was done she said "Let me get this straight. Your a human, we ponies exist as a cartoon in your world, you dated a element of harmony, you shoot a manticore, you did a sonic rainboom in an office chair, you shoot bottle rockets at ponies with no protection, you shot a pony with stun bullets, you got hit by granny Smith with a frying pan, AND your dating a Princess of Equestria?".
I replied "Well to sum it up . Yep". She said "And now you want to go on a date with me to make me feel better?". I replied "Yep". Honestly I thought she would flip her shot right there, but she did the exact opposite and said "Well it's late want to come to my house". I saw no harm in this and replied "Sure". We then paid the bill and began the long walk to her house.
We soon arrived back at her house and she said "I've had lots of fun and I think I want more". She leaned in to kiss me and I said "Wait let's go inside first". Upon entering the house I said "Wait here please".
And poofed off to Canterlot. With another quick poof I arrived in Luna's bed chamber and saw her on her balcony and said "Hey Luna in the mood for a threesome?". She said "Sure be there in a sec".
I reappeared back in Sparkler's house and said "Now I'm ready". I leaned in a put my muzzle against her then Luna appeared.
She began to panic and pushed me away from her and said "It wasn't my fault! Don't send me to the moon!". Luna giggled and said "Don't worry my little pony I'm just here for the threesome if you mind".
She said "Oh yeah that's fine. Sorry Van". I waved her off with a no problem look and walked up beside her. Luna said "Lets begin". And magiked us off to the bed.
About an hour later we were finally finished and we were all snuggled up in the king sized bed. I thought to myself "Nothing could ruin this perfect moment".
Until I heard the crystal clear lyrics in front of me singing "Its peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!". I sat upright in the bed and said "Aww hell no!". And teleported back to the basement of our house and grabbed a modified semi automatic Glock 18.
Then I teleported and yelled "Die you disgrace to all memedom!". I fired a shot that hit him in his chest he yelled "But why!?! Ahhh!! My potassium!". Then I put him out of his misery and shot him in the head, and just to sure he was dead I shot him again.
As my dad said you can never be to safe. I then realized that Luna and Sparkler were staring at me I said "What that thing is really annoying".
Luna said "Well with that this has been the most awkward night ever". Sparkler said "Yeah you can that again".
Then next morning we had to leave early because Sparkler had the morning shift, but before Luna and I left she said "If you guys ever need me for that again don't hesitate to come and find me".
I said "Can do, but don't getting yourself into to trouble with other stallions now". She shot me a dirty look and hoofed me in the arm I said "Hey! It was only a joke! Don't hit so hard".
After that we said our goodbyes, and Me and Luna walked out to go find somewhere to eat breakfast.
Chapter 22 Meet The Matchmakers
Guys I'm going to try switching perspectives to see if I like it so I can use it for future chapters.
-Van
For about ten minutes Luna and I argued where we were going to eat breakfast she wanted fancy, and I wanted simple. Women you can with them and you can't live without them. We finally came to a compromise and decided to eat at Sugercube corner for a nice sweet treat that would give you diabetes if you were human. We walked in a saw Pinkie running the counter I asked "Hey Pinkie! What's your favorite thing you eat for breakfast?".
She said "Oh that's easy! Cupcakes!" and hands me a cupcake that had rainbow colored frosting. Right there I turned to throw up, but held it down and asked "Hey where is Rainbow Dash?".
Then I heard as voice from behind me which let me release my breath I heard a "Lookin for me?". "Shew" I taught to myself as she trotted up to me and said "Hey it looks like you saw a ghost". I turned to her and said "Yeah you could say that". Luna then jumped in and said "Hey Pinkie could I have a rainbow cupcake please?".
She said "Sure! that will be three bits, or you could come to my super fantastic super duper awesome possum party tonight at Sugercube Corner that's at 7 o'clock please?".
Luna said "Well I'm not doing anything tonight what about you Van?". I said "Nope, but could I bring the guys? they've have had a sudden decrease in social activity lately".
She said "Sure, but they have to bring a date with them by tonight. Ok?". I said "Sure. Hey Luna! want to play matchmaker today?". She said "Meh I don't think Canterlot really needs me today so why not?".
We walked to the park and began to make a list of who would be with who and when were done it looked something like this.
Rarity-----------Elliott
When we were done I said "Now lets convince each of them to go on a date with each other go you go get the girls and ill get the guys". She said "Ok now lets meet back here in an hour to get arrangements together". I said "Ok Break". and we each left to go get our respective ponies.
I soon arrived at the house and I saw that everypony was in there own room doing something. Probably playing Call Of Duty, and I yelled "Hey guys! get cleaned up were going to a party tonight and you are each taking an element of harmony to it. Now get your asses in gear and Move".
".Also take a shower because you guys most likely smell like shit".
Soon I got at reply from each them wonder which mare they would take to that party I yelled back "The sooner your clean the faster you can find out!". We all took our showers and got ready.
Each were wearing a tux and a top hat I said "Guys not so fucking fancy this is a casual party just wear a polo shirt or something like that, and also use manners these mares have saved the world twice so don't be a total shit stain tool".
They all nodded at me with a scene of approval and I said "Ok guys lets go to the park to meet your mare after you get changed. ALLON-Y!".
Warp perspective Luna.
'Its a wonderful day". I thought as I trotted down the cobblestone road to Twilight's house.
When I arrived she said "Oh Princess Luna its an honor to see you!'. I said "No, Twilight the pleasure is all mine'. She said "Is there something that you need to talk to me about? Please come in". I walked in the house and said "Twilight you need to help me gather your friends for Pinkie's party tonight.
Its a requirement for each of you to take a stallion with you so Van and I made a list and matched each of you to who we thought would now fit best". She asked "Who might I be with?".
I said "You can't find out until we gather the elements, let you prepare then bring you to the park in and hour". She said "Ok ill get Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity. You get Rainbow, Nurse Redheart and also pick up Applejack I'm sure we can find her an escort for this party".
I said sure "Now lets go we are wasting precious time to get ready". Then we each trotted of in our respective directions. Soon in about 15 minutes we had gathered all the elements in the library and I said "Girls we are each taking somepony to this party tonight we have about half an hour to get ready any questions?".
Rarity complained "Only Half an hour that's far to little to be acceptable'. I said "Well currently its all we got so its that or nothing'.
She said "Fine, but can we at least do it back at the boutique I have plenty of dresses for us to use for tonight'. I said that's fine now we need to get going".
About 25 minutes later we were finally dressed up and ready to go. Each of us wore a stunning yet simple dress and some makeup. We trotted out of the boutique and toward the park hoping not to be late.
Warp perceptive back to me.
We arrived at the park about five minutes early because it didn't take us long to get dressed in a shirt and take a shower. We soon arrived and saw that the girls were trotting down the road in really nice dresses, but they were simple at the same time it was amazing. We all met at the bench that Lyra usually sits on and we read off our arrangements.
When we were done everypony looked happy, but Applejack and Michael Applejack started and said "Who am I goin with'. I said "Honestly I don't know you could fine a mare or you could go with Spike or your brother".
She said "I think ill be most conformable with Spike". Rarity chimed in and said "Oh and I have the most adorable little polo for him! I'll Be right back".
Then Michael asked "What about me?". I said "Your going with Pinkie. She's planning the party and you'll meet her there". He said "Alright that's fine". About five minutes later she returned with a dressed up Spike.
I said "Alright Everypony and dragon lets go to the party!".
Chapter 23 The Party!
We soon found ourselves at the party and finding that everypony were actually enjoying themselves aside from being matched with a pony that they really haven't been acquainted with. We soon hotline that the Dj was playing a slow song for the couples to dance. Luna and I took our places on the stage, stood up on our hind legs, and began to waltz in tempo to the song. All was going extremely well until I noticed one thing that the Dj is supposed to do in every song that had totally slipped my mind until about three seconds ago when I heard a deep crescendo. The drop. Beeeeeeeeeewww We We waaaaaa wawawa bewwwwwww WeWe wop wop wop.
"Fuck it we can have a romantic slow dance some other time". I said to Luna over the musical chaos ravaging my ears.
She replied "Yeah! Let's go check on the others. I want to see how our matchmaking went".
We decided that we should first go find Grant. Mainly because he should know where everypony else is due to the fact that he had hawk eyes. We looked around the bar first to instead find Rarity and Graham idly chatting at the bar until they began making out and spilling their drinks everywhere creating a big scene for everypony in the nearby area to witness.
Graham yelled "Whoooo I'm so wasted!".
Rarity yelled "Yeah! Booze! Let's go back to my place hot stuff".
Luna and I just stare at each other, and say in complete unison "That was Awkward". Then decided that it would be a good idea to take a quick bathroom break, and regroup in a few minutes.
I walled quickly into the bathroom, and heard a series of ughs and other various sex sounds coming from the stall next to me. Right when I was taking a massive shit.
"Seriously cant I get some privacy around here?". I thought as I continued on the toilet.
Then I heard the scariest thing. I heard "Yeah! Ride me harder! I'm a dirty mare".
I listen for the reply. I hear "Fuck Yeah! Hoe!".
"Oh I thought". As I formulated a plan in my mind.
I ventured. "Elliott? Is that you?".
He said "Van! Waz up?".
I said "Dude banging in the stall? No class bro. Also wasn't Rainbow supposed to be with Cory?".
Cory's voice appears from nowhere and said "Bro I'm in here too".
I said "Well this is awkward. I'm going to leave now". Then flushed the toilet, washed my hands, and promptly exited the bathroom.
I walked around the border of the party to see that Luna was waiting for me over at the bar. I said "You will never believe what I heard".
She replied "Couldn't be to bad. Shoot".
I said "I heard Elliott banging Rainbow".
She replied "What? Thats not bad you big pussy".
I finished "With Cory too".
She said "Oh. Yeah. Well thats pretty bad".
We sat there in awkward silence until she said "Hey want to dance?".
I replied "Sure" and we walked out on the dance floor. When we got there we saw something that I never believed I would ever live to see in my lifetime. It was Twilight grinding on Grant. Hard. Right there I nearly threw up on the spot, but held it down. I looked over to Luna to see that she was also turning a very sickly shade of green.
I said "I pretty sure this has ruined whatever innocence I had left. Do you think it's time to split?".
She said "Yeah I haven't seen something so so nasty in about 1632 years".
I ventured "What might that be?".
She said "A pony being burned alive, flayed, skinned, varnished, stuffed, and used as a sex doll".
Now I really felt sick. I said "Yeah. Um I think it's a good time to go". We turn back to the floor to see that they began making out on a table. She replied "Indeed".
We turned and walked out the door into the nice chill of the night. When we got to the house it was only midnight, so we did most the sensible thing. We made pizza. Nopony else in Equestria had ever had pizza besides my friends and I so we whipped up a pie and began to eat.
I handed her the first slice and said "Here try this its really good".
She picked it up with her magic, examined it and took a nibble then a bit, and before we knew it we had finished off the pie and she was starving for more. I quickly put in a new pie and said "Come with me were getting something to drink". We walked up the stairs, and up into the attic to get some Mountain Dew. I grabbed her Code Red and I grabbed a White Out, and walked back downstairs. As soon as we arrived the pizza was ready, and we took it out of the oven to cool. Then we tried our drinks. We popped the lid I took a swig of mine while she smelled it, magiked into a glass, examined it, a took a swig, then a gulp and so on.
By Two Am we were each full of pizza and Mountain Dew, so we decided to get some sleep and make breakfast here in the morning.
When we were both situated in bed she asked "Van do you remember how we meet?".
I said "Yeah you hit me with a book".
She retorted "Well you said Celestia stole Abby".
Then her mood softened and she asked "Why me though? Why not somepony like Twilight?".
I said "Because you were my favorite even before I meet you".
She said "What do you mean?".
I said "Remember Fan Fiction? Yeah it characterizes you well, and you fit my personality best".
She said "Well I'm glad you chose me".
I replied "Yeah me too".
Then we cuddled up, and fell asleep until she had to set the moon in preparation for the morning.
Chapter 24 Hearts And Hooves Day.
Guys at 9:24 Eastern Standard time we hit 10,000 views! I'm proud of you guys for committing, and reading my work. Thank you so much for your support! I love you guys/girls! Now on with the story!
-Van
The next morning we woke up still in each others arms. She said "Van I've got to set the moon now. Then I have royal business in Canterlot today. I'll see you for our Hearts and Hooves dinner tonight".
I replied "Ok I'll see you tonight".
She said "Alright I love you. See you later".
I said "Ok bye". Then thought to myself "Mmmmmm dinner. Wait? Hearts and Hooves day!?! Shit!".
Jumped out off bed panicking thinking "Shit! What am I going to do?!? I Haven't even bought a present yet! Ugh! What would Superman do?".
"Oh I thought yeah ill get her something special. But what would be the perfect thing? Well my dad always bought my mom jewelry for Valentines Day so I don't see why that wouldn't work here".
I grabbed some bits, and trotted out the door to the nearest jeweler to find the perfect item for this Hearts and Hooves day. The walk through town was a peaceful one today. Couples holding each others hoofs, the constant nuzzling, Hell even Bon Bon was sitting on her hind legs for Lyra today! I soon arrived at the jewelers, and looked around the store to see that all the racks were empty.
I asked "Hey were's all the jewelry?".
The manager said "Well those three just purchased the last of it. In Other words all of it".
I look out the window to see three diamond dogs hold every article of jewelry, and let out an unsuppressed sigh. Then regained my composure, and said "Thank you for your time". And walked out the door.
I soon found myself on a bench in Ponyville park wondering how pissed Luna would be if i didn't get her anything. All that appeared was moon pictures that I looked at in that NASA magazine. I then got an idea. Not just any idea, but an orgasmic one.
I then teleported to the Ponyville badlands, and cast a gem finding spell. I thought to myself "If I can't buy my present I'll make it!". Just then my signal went off and I began to dig. I quickly got want I came for, Four moderate sized diamonds and four sapphires. I quickly scooped then up and transported back to the house.
The next two hours were complete hell. I had to melt the sapphires down, and magically fuse them with the diamonds to get it to it's midnight blue hue. Then fill the pure silver earring molds with it then cast a hardening on spell on the molds and lastly the complete bitch part. Using I presidium ray from my horn to shape the top of the molds into a perfectly smooth surface. When I was finally finished I looked at my creation with pride, and happiness. I quickly then scooped it up, and put it in it's appropriate case and bag. Since tonight was special I decided that it would be a good idea to actually get really cleaned up so what do I do? I take three baths and a shower. How's that for manly class? Swags got nothing on me! Now I have about an hour until dinner. Then it hits me. She wants ME then stallion of the house to make a fancy diner.
"Fucking hell". I Thought as I paced back and forth trying to think of what she would like. I finally gave up and decided to google "Moon themed dinners". To see if anything came up. Unfortunately nothing did so I decided that I would make the following: Three layer pizza, mountain dew cocktails, side salad, and a cake made of moon pies baked into cal batter. Though I would need some help with the cake so being the lazy guy I am I decided to see if Pinkie would do it for me.
I teleported to Sugercube Corner and asked Pinkie "Hey Pinkie? Would you mind making a cake made of moon pies for me?".
She replied "Okie Dokie Loki! It will be ready in an hour!".
I said "Cool. Thanks Pinkie!". And teleported back to start on the rest of the dinner with about fifty five minutes left. It's crunching time.
About an hour later I was done. I took out the pizzas cooked them separately then put them in the warm oven and watched them. Then mixed Alcohol with mountain dew and set it on the table. Then tossed the salad together . And lastly picked up that cake from Pinkie who actually had it done in five minutes, but was to busy to tell me. I then placed everything in the table, dimmed the lights, put the earring box in my mane, and lit two candles for added effect.
Just as I had finished there was a knock on the door. It was Luna. I escorted her in and pulled her chair out for her for her to sit down in.
We then began to eat She asked "Van what did you make for us tonight?".
I replied "Three layer pizza, house salad, mountain dew cocktails, and moon pie cake".
She said "Well it looks delicious. Lets eat".
We soon finished dinner and I said "Lulu I got you something". I magiked then earrings out of my mane and said "Happy Hearts and Hooves Day".
She turned as red as when I read Luna's socks to her. She asked "Where in Equestria did you get these?".
I said "Made them".
She looked even more dumbfounded she said "Well now I feel bad. All I got you was a game from your world call Skyrim?".
I yelled "You got me Skyrim!!!".
She looked at me confused. Then I tackle hugged her and yelled "I love you so much!".
She said "I love you too. Let's go to bed".
I checked the time and said "It's only seven".
She kissed my check and said "More for me".
We then walked about half way up the stairs, and heard a frantic knocking. We walk back and open the door to see Octavia in tears she mumbled out "Itttt'ssss Vvvvinnnnyl fight. Help". And collapsed on my doorstep.
So much for holiday sex.
Chapter 25 Complications
We each looked at each other wondering what the hell just happened.
I said to Luna "You know she might not wake up for a couple of hours".
She replied "No, She obviously needed help, and you want to let her suffer when she has walked here ALL the way from Canterlot?".
She yelled back at me "Ugh! Sometimes you are just! Ugh! Well whatever you want to do fine! But I'm helping this mare get back on her feet whether you want to or not!".
I sighed defeated I said "Fine, but you owe me once were done. Alright?".
She replied "Fine, but will you help me move her? I had to much pizza, and my tummy hurts".
I reluctantly pick up the unconscious mare with my magic and silently murmered "Must be that time of the month again". And took Octavia upstairs to my room, since Michael had taken the guest room as his own.
A few hours, and a power nap later she finally woke up frantic screaming "Where's Vinyl?!?".
Luckily health science class and south park had taught me a valuable strategy in life. I reached over to the still frantic Octavia ,made a "Pst" sound, and pinched her lightly on the neck. This actually seemed to do the trick very well, and she snapped out of her frantic state.
She stared at me and said "Thank you I needed that. Also where did you learn that? Also where the hell is Vinyl?".
Health Science Powers Activate! I said in a soothing comforting voice "Octavia, before else can address any of your problems you must settle down, or I will be forced to restrain you against your will. Do you understand?".
She nodded and said "Ok, I'm relaxed now please tell me where Vinyl is".
I said "Luna has flown to Canterlot to retrieve her you friend. You two are going to talk about what's bugging you, and get this settled. Understood?".
She once again nodded and asked "When will she be arriving?".
We then heard a loud crash from below. I said "Thats hopefully them".
She asked "Hopefully?".
I replied "Well it could be my friends blowing shit up, but I could easily be wrong".
We walk downstairs to see that Vinyl and Luna were there. I also noticed that she wasn't wearing her trademark shades revealing her bright red eyes.
Luna motioned for them to sit down, and we began to talk.
I said "So what seems to be the problem for you two?".
Vinyl started by getting straight to the point by saying "Last night I told her I loved her, but she didn't feel the same way for me. Then we began to yell, and then she stomped out the door".
Before I could say anything else by saying "Let me elaborate. We were eating a dinner as FREINDS last night, Nd then she flat out of nowhere says "I love you. Do you feel the same way?" I just look at her to see that she was dead serious. I simply told her that I didn't feel the same way".
I asked "Well where did all the arguing come from?".
Vinyl said "Well I just asked her why she didn't feel the same way, and she said it was because she wasn't a fillyfooler".
I asked "Why is that so hard to accept? I found the mare that I had a one night stand with was gay, but I shrugged it off and moved on".
Vinyl finished "She also said my shades were ugly".
Octavia defended herself and said "Well you said my only friend was by cello!".
"Well you said my hair was to techno!".
"Well you said my tie was to nerdy!".
"Well you said my music was terrible!".
"Well you said my music was torture!".
"Well you said I was to stuck up!".
"Well you said I was a baby!".
"Well you said"
Luna and I had it we yelled "Shut the fuck up!".
I began to rant. The Internet has taught me well. I yelled "Both of you be quiet! You are both unique people with different likes, interests, and opines, but you are friends! And both of you are arguing like foals! Grow Up!".
They both shut up instantly and both said in unison "sorry".
I said "That's fine, but you two need to work something out. Sooooo Luna and I are going to make lunch while you to talk".
About twenty minutes later we came out of the kitchen with Mountain Dews and Pizzas. We sat down at the table at which the had finally finished their arguing. I asked "So how's everything".
Octavia began "Well to sum it up we both need some relaxation time, and a vacation. So were going to the beach, and we decided that we would talk about our feelings so there's nopony that will hear our arguing".
I said "That's great! Now how about some lunch? I don't know about you, but I'm starving!".
They both nodded our heads, but just as they were going to devour the pizza Octavia stopped, and asked "What is this?".
I replied "Well it's something called pizza just bake bread on crust, put tomato sauce on it, and sprinkle cheese on it. It's delicious!".
Vinyl said "Good enough for me". She took a hasty bite the her eyes explode open, and before we know it the slice is gone. We noticed Octavia did the same thing, and began to mercilessly devour the food. When we were done with that she asked "Now what's this?".
I replied "Mountain Dew. Trust me it's good".
She shrugged and took a sip. She then took more and more until her glass was gone she said "My that is delicious! What do you think Vinyl? Vinyl?".
We look over to see Vinyl on the ground moaning "To much Mountain Dew".
Soon we sent our friends on their way, and Luna had to return to Canterlot. Before she left though she whispered in my ear "You did well today. Your reward will be next week. Just be patient". She kissed me on the cheek, and teleported off.
Team Iron Pony Part I Training
Chapter 26 Team Iron Pony Part I Training
The days after Luna had left had been average to say the least. Fluttershy finally came over to meet Marley, Tabloids said that the griffins were meeting in Canterlot to discuss the growing turmoil between the two nations, and we had finally gotten Jacob laid. It took an eternity since he had a girlfriend back home. Long story short Fluttershy is apparently a beast in bed and Jacob has been in his room ever since, and hasn't left yet. Elliott on the other hand found that Rainbow was bi, but so did Graham so they are having an Iron Pony contest, but this wasn't just any contest. This contest had to be extreme! Over the top! And probably resulting in one of us being hurt or dead or both. We decided that
It would be best to do this in teams using the captain system that was so often used in gym.
Team 1 Team 2
Jacob is being a pussy so he's out.
When we were finished we looked at ourselves happily, and decided what would be at stake here. We finally got to an agreement after about ten minutes. The pot would 3000 bits a person so it would be equally divided among the team. Also losers had to be Trixie's slave for a day when Grant somehow gets her back from Ghostrider.
I decided that I shouldn't leave Luna in the dark mainly because she had a "Secret Surprise" for me next week. So I decided to teleport to Canterlot Castle to tell her that I would be in intense training for the next week or so. I arrived in her room to find her in there, but not alone in the bed next to her there was another pony. A large stallion with a gag in his mouth.
"Oh flying fuck." I thought as I look at her with wide eyes.
She began to stutter "It's not what it looks like!"
My patients began to thin. I yelled "Then why is a stallion tied to the bed with a gag in his mouth!?! Hold on a minute."
I reach down to the stallion and pulled the gag out of his mouth, and yelled "Your a saint!" and ran down the hallway.
I looked at her and ask "Now please tell me what that is about?"
She looked at me on the verge of tears and said "Please it's not what it looks like!"
I sighed and said "I'm leaving. Don't follow."
I quickly fled the scene of the crime to avoid Luna to see my manly tears flow like a waterfall. I transported into my room and composed myself. Soon I had finished and walked downstairs. Cory asked "Dude what took so long?"
Jacob who finally left his room continued "Yeah, was Luna chocking you chicken?"
I replied "Nope actually it's the exact opposite. She was with another stallion."
Elliott replied "Ouch bro."
I said "Think nothing of it."
Michael said "Dude we should get hammered!"
I replied "Hell no! The last thing a did with a hangover was bring you here."
We all laugh, and when we were done I said "No seriously training begins tomorrow. Jacob since you decided not to be a social recluse anymore we will put you on Grant's team, and I'll get Big Macintosh."
They all said "All right."
Graham said "Cool now can we watch American Pie? Haven't seen that one in a while."
I said "Yeah that sounds good. What about you guys?."
The nod and I say "Good now let's get this show on the road!"
After drowning my hidden sorrow in a pool of Mountain Dew I decided that it was time to hit the hay, and get some shut eye. It had been a long day. I laid down I'm bed, but couldn't get comfortable so I decided to take a pillow and a blanket to go stargazing on the deck. I finally get out into the nice frigid cold, and I gaze up at the stars. Though tonight I saw something strange, no constellations just stars that have arranged themselves in the shape of tears flowing from the moon. I think to myself "This is it I'm going to settle this right now!" and I walk inside, put my stuff away, and mentally prepare myself for the grueling conversation to come.
I once again for the second time that night teleport that night to Canterlot Castle, but this time not in Luna's room but to the outside of Celestia's personal chambers I needed somepony to talk to who knows how to solve my problem. I see that there are two royal guards there.
The one one the right says "You are not authorized to be here please leave or deadly force will be authorized."
The other is bowing and says "Prince of the night it's an honor to be of service to you."
I reply "Thank you. I need to speak to Celestia immediately. It's a dire emergency."
They reply in unison "Right away sir!" and walk into the chambers to get the pony that can hopefully fix my problems. This was going to be a long night.
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Team Iron Pony Part II Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger
Chapter 27 Team Iron Pony Part II Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger.
Sorry for taking so long guys. It's been a long week, and schools been giving me a shit ton of work to do leaving me with a lot less free time than I had. I will try to get as many chapters as I can during the week though. Also expect the Iron Pony Contest to be next chapter.
-Van
"Shit Shit Shit!" I thought to myself as I composed myself outside of Luna's room. Seriously if ponies could sweat as much as I did when I was human, I'm pretty sure if you wrung me out there would be a pretty big puddle on the ground.
I hesitantly decided that it was time for me to *Puffs out chest for dramatic effect* Be a Stallion! I gather all my courage, lightly tap on the door.
I hear some muffled crying then I hear "Go away Celestia. Not even if you had all the cake in the world."
That broke my heart it literally ripped it in two, and my d'aw meters probably shot to the moon. I decided that I should let this roll off my back, it at least not be to pissed until she told her side of the story. I replied "No even if it came with icecream?"
The door cracked a little, and she popped her head out to see that I had put on my not so happy, but a little happy at the same time smile.
She wavered a little and said "Van could you let me explain. Please don't run off this time."
I replied "Meh why not? isn't like this problem is going to go away." and followed her inside. I was in for a long story.
About an hour later it was done. Apparently immoral princesses needed their "Needs" fulfilled as well. I told her to just come down to Ponyville when she wanted to have sex or just hang out, get out of the castle for awhile. We thanked each other, and I teleported home to get some sleep. Immediately I flop down into bed and think "Wasn't she suppose to give me my special prize this week? Fuck it I got training tomorrow. Sleep comes first."
Then next morning I had some difficulties getting out of bed my head was hurting like somepony hit it with a hammer over and over. I hop out of bed, and decide that I need some breakfast for a long day of training. After an epic fall down the stairs I make my way to the kitchen, I see that breakfast has already been made. It reminds me of home. It was over the top healthy there was bended juice, wheat toast, fruit, and egg yoke. I quickly down the meal, and get my headband on to prepare to for are training. We decided that we would meet down at Ponyville park to begin our day with a temple run ( 1 warmup 2 sprint 1 cool down) ,then head tithe gym for weights, and lastly work on sprinting on the way home. We also decided that Big Macintosh was in good enough shape to where he didn't need the conditioning.
In about then minutes we were at the park. We quickly did our stretches, and headed out. After the first half mile Cory was boasting he said "Guys this is so fucking easy! Try to keep up!"
Then we hit the one mile point, and started out sprints. Cory being the somewhat of a minor dumbass that he is burnt himself out after the warm up, and was struggling to even keep pace behind us.
After the two mile point he was yelling "Guys! Can we take a break?"
I replied "No we have about two miles left do get your fatass in gear, and keep up!"
Elliott just yelled "Godamn this sucks!"
He mumbled something under his breath, and continued his running. Soon we had finished and we were all exhausted. We diced that we should get some lunch, and what better place to do it than Sugercube Corner because the foods great, and we can't get diabetes! We walked all the way there. Cory looked like he was about to pass out from sheer exhaustion after just our morning workouts. Geez this was going to be a long fucking week.
After an enthusiastic visit from Pinkie and a very delicious sandwich from the deli we decided that was time to do our afternoon workouts. We hit the gym and hit it pretty fucking hard. We did dumbbells, squats, and bench press until we couldn't move our arms anymore. We then returned to the park and finished out our day with a nice, and easy jog. After we returned to our house for a pretty huge ass dinner where we spent most of it talking about our favorite memes from back home like Forever Alone, Phlosiraptor, and Annoying Facebook girl. Then debated on whether alien or predator would win in a fight. Then after a extended game of Call of Duty we went to bed. I was out cold as soon as my head hit the pillow.
For the next week we repeated this grueling process, but it ended with excellent results. I dropped sprinting time, Elliott had become an amazing distance runner, and Cory can finally sprint over two miles without complaining. Now that we were prepared we were set on our ultimate goal. The Iron Pony Contest. Word spreads really fast around here, so Rarity decided to make us jerseys, and Mayor Mare said that we could hold it in the park. The Contest was tomorrow so we decided to make things interesting. We brought in the two competitors from the last Iron Pony contest, and divided them up. We got Rainbow Dash and they got Applejack. Once we had finalized the decision we headed to bed. Tomorrow was going to be a long day, and we needed all the rest we could get.
Team Iron Pony Part III The Final Countdown
Chapter 28 Team Iron Pony Part III Final Countdown
Sorry guys that this chapter is so late, but I've been busy as hell and with track and midterms it's a freaking shitton.
-Van
The next morning I awoke with a pleasant since of confidence. I combed my mane and walked down the stairs to see that everypony else had a smug look of confidence as well. We all agreed that we would still be best friends after the contest had ended, but the losing team could still complain about being Trixie's slave when Grant decided to bring her back from hell.
We had about 14 hours until the contest began so I decided that I would have Luna over for lunch. We are beginning to rebuild our once strong relationship, because ones walls tend to be weaker when they walk in on their special somepony doing it with somepony else. It's a pretty depressing thought actually, but I'm gonna let it slide this time. Seriously ruling a country is high stress so I really don't blame her.
When she came over at around 11:30 we decided that instead of going out like we alway do, we would instead make ourselves a nice lunch, and watch a movie. I was thinking that Black Hawk Down or Pearl Harbor would be good ones because for the last month or so she wanted to see how humanity fights its wars. I decide that I should start from the beginning with the most advanced super soldiers of their era. The Spartans. Ruthless killing machines capable of taking out forces that outnumber them 100 to 1. With this newly acquired info I decided that she would like 300 the best.
I head to the kitchen to see if she approves of my choice, to find that she has already began to make lunch. We were having daffodil sandwiches and tomato soup. The best part was the fact that she way doing in a Prench outfit that was at least two sizes to small. I walk up to her and say "Dawwww you look so motherfucking cute."
She said "Thanks I really just want to make you happy."
I replied "Well that's all I could ever ask for."
We kissed and then I asked "Hey want to watch 300?"
She asked "What's that?"
I reply "Probably one of the best war movies of all time! It's about 300 soldiers called Spartans that defend a pass about a couple of mile wide to stop 500,000 soldiers from invading their county giving everybody else time to escape."
She said "Wow that's impressive."
I replied "Yeah they were the best of their kind. With advanced weaponry, training, armor, and ruthlessness. Nothing could stop them."
She asked "Did they win?"
I said "Yes and No. They defended the pass long enough, but they all died doing it. You just have to watch."
She replied "Alright, but I swear if this scared me like Taken I'm going to kick your ass."
I said "Don't worry it's an adventure not a horror."
She replied "Alright you get it ready and I will get the sandwiches ready then change."
I walk into the living room to pop in the movie and get the couch set for resting I find that somepony had left a magazine next to the DVD player it said "Playmare Trololo Addition" and had a saucy Celestia in the front.
I yell "Holy Flying Fuck! That Troll!"
Just then Luna walks in with the sandwiches and says "What's the problem?"
I replied "Your sister is on the cover of Playmare!"
Just then Jacob walks back in the house and looks over at me. The next thing I know his wings are flared and they were going tha tump tha thump.
I yelled "Jacob get the fuck out! Come on man!"
He mutters "Sorry bro." and quietly walks out.
We then pop in the movie and begin to watch.
5 hours until contest.
"His roar was long and loud." said the announcer I saw that Luna was hanging in his every word then the arrows black out the sky and the credits begin to roll.
She looked at me with astonishment and says "So that's one of your worlds greatest war stories?"
I reply "Yes and there are many more like Black Hawk Down, Pearl Harbor, and Full Metal Jacket just to name a few."
She replied "Wow I'm going to have to watch them soon with you."
I reply "Yeah, but for now I have to get ready for the contest it stars in about five hours. Can never get there to early!"
She replied "Ok. I'll meet you there tonight."
She kisses me on the check. Honestly the feeling never gets old. I begin to walk towards the park, but turn around and think "Wait I'm going to need some badass music to pimp walk around with." I run inside grab my iPod and scroll down the list until I see the right song and think "Perfect."
I walk outside with a boom box and begin to blare the Final Countdown and Remember The Name the sound of trumpets seems to be everypony's attention just like I wanted. The boombox wails:
The final countdown, oh ho
Ohh
Team Iron Pony Part IV Finale Part 1
Chapter 29 Team Iron Pony Part IV Finale Part 1
Hey guys guess what? Jacob and Grant are on FIM fiction! While Elliott, Graham, and Michael watch the show.
Jakethepegasus
Thanks guys. One last thing "Finale" doesn't mean the end of the story just the end of the contest.
-Van
2 hours until contest
With my head held high and my pimp music blaring in the background I felt like I was invincible. Well until I ran into a tree. That was pretty downright embarrassing. Though after my short detour with the tree I find myself at the park with makeshift bleachers, concession stands, and a whole line of porta potties set up around the arena that had been built overnight for our event today. On the right side of the arena there was the opposing team: Grant, Jacob, Michael, Applejack and Graham and on the other side was the rest of my team: Cory, Elliott, Big Macintosh, and Rainbow Dash.
One hour until contest
Tenetions we're high ponies from as far as Applelosa had come to see this spectacle of a contest, and earn their share from the gambling that was going on. I on the otherhand was fearing like I was going to shit myself infront of all these ponies. My body had tensed and my scences were on high alert. I was ready to face everypony on that other side and pound them into the ground without mercy. Not so much because I didn't like them, it was just because of the shear fact that I didn't want to be Trixie's bitch.
Five minutes until contest
Remember what I said earlier about be really nervous? Yeah take that and multiply it by ten and Bam! You get now.
Spike, who had volunteered to be the announcer for our contest said "Captins to the middle please."
I get up and walk to the middle to meet Jacob we exchange a brohoof and listen to Spike.
He said "Ok guys I have a coin with me for this special event. On one side there is the Sun and the other the Moon. Jacob you called me short that one time you visited, so Van you pick the side."
I ask "Hey Spike why are we flipping a coin?"
He replied "Oh because in a traditional Iron Pony Contest there is a coin flip to see who will be givin the first point. Kinda like the free space in bingo."
I said "I see. Ok I choose Moon."
Jacob mumbles "Go fucking figure."
The coin is flipped, and guess what it lands sideways. I tactical facepalm and Spike pulls out a rule book from somewhere and says "If in the extremely unlikely case the coin lands on its side the coin flip will be eliminated therefore nopony earns the free point. Now both of you return to your sides. The competition will begin soon!"
Event I Obstacle Course A
Switch POV to Applejack
"Ok you can do this. You know this course better than Granny Smith knows zap apples. You. Can. Do this." I thought to myself as I readied myself at the starting line.
Soon I heard the dreaded "Everypony on your mark."
Muscles tensing
"Get set"
Heart racing
"Go!"
With adrenaline pumping though my veins I power off the line to see that he is ahead by about a hoof and a half. I think to myself "No, Van trusts me you have to do this!"
Switch POV to me
"Holy flying fuck! That was the closest race I've ever seen! I really hope that she won!"
A few minutes later the footage comes back. The Unicorn on the controls zooms in and puts it in super slow motion. It's tied, but then Michael sticks his snout out which ultimately means that he crossed the line first. We lost. I turn to Applejack who looks like she's on the the verge of tears.
She looks at me and says "Van, I'm so so sorry."
I reply "Hey it's not your fault you tried your best."
She yells "Well it wasn't good enough!" and dashes off.
"Aw shit" I think to myself I yell "Hey Elliott your up for course 2 I got to find Applejack."
He replied "Christ sake Van! What did you do this time!?!"
I say "She's just upset. Well good luck and DON'T fuck up.Also tell Luna where I am."
He replies "Righto boss."
With that I dash off in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.
Because I love you guys have some info on Chinese Dragons:
Chinese dragons are believed to have exactly 117 scales. 81 of the scales are positive or yang and 36 scales are negative or yin.
Chinese dragons are made from the nine anatomical resemblances of other animals; the horns of a stag, head of a camel, eyes of a rabbit, neck of a snake, belly of a clam, scales of a carp, claws of an eagle soles of a tiger, ears of a cow and on top of his head he has a lump called a Chimu, which he cannot fly without.
Different Chinese dragons include the Winged dragon, Horned dragon, Spiritual dragon, Celestial dragon, Hidden Treasures dragon, Yellow dragon, Coiling dragon (lives in the water), Earth dagon, and the Dragon King. The Dragon King technically is made up for four separate dragons that rule over individual seas of the North, East, South and West
Dragon Years boast the highest childbirth rates by almost 30% The more toes a dragon has (up to five) the more “regal” it is
Many of China’s emperors believed themselves to be descended from dragons Chinese have 4 mystical animals; dragon, Phoenix, tortoise and unicorn. The dragon is the only one in the zodiac
Team Iron Pony Part V Finale Part 2
Chapter 30 Team Iron Pony Part V Finale Part 2
Sprinting as fast as my legs could take me I dashed to Sweet Apple Acres to find my "Mare is distress" if you will. Thank god the park is only about five minutes away from the park. I walk up the Stairs and knock on the door.
I hear "Go away big Mac I don't want to talk."
I say "Afraid not Applejack."
She yells "What do want? Go away!"
I say in a calm collected voice "I want to talk."
She says "No. Go away."
"Damn she's as stubborn as Jacob's girlfriend in a mood." I think to myself.
I say "Well at least could come out?"
Once again I'm meet with a cold "No."
I ask "Applejack, who are you mad at?"
She says "Michael."
I reply "That's not true. Your mad at yourself."
She yells "No! Go buck yourself! And go away!"
"Well damn I guess I that doesn't work." I think to myself. The. I got an awesome idea that always worked on my little brother.
I say "Well if you feel that way I'm leaving."
I trot loudly in place the get softer and softer. When I stop I see her head pear out then I jump and yell" Tickle fight!" then Pinkie out of nowhere yells "Yay tickle fight on Applejack!"
We both leap on top of the still surprised mare, and began to tickle her as hard as we could.
She soon began to beg "Stop! Hey I said Stop! Stop now!" she threatened.
I looked at her and said "No."
She said "Then you leave me no choice. Pinkie he broke a Pinkie promise!"
"Oh shit." I thought as Pinkie's ears began to fill with steam and smoke.
She screamed "NO PONY BREAKS A PINKIE PROMISE!"
The first thing that came to my mind was RUN!!!!!!!! I dashed down the stairs, and out the door of the estate with a rabid Pinkie bounding after me looking like I murdered her parents.
I yelled "Pinkie I didn't break a Pinkie Promise!"
She yelled "Lies! Just like the cake!"
I would have stopped right there and bent over laughing my flank off if I wasn't running for my life. Hell my legs were burning more than that time I flipped my friends golf cart on top of them ( True story bro).
I yelled "No I didn't please believe me!"
She yelled back "Bite my shiny metal ass!"
I turn to she that she was giving Bender a ride on her back, and surprisingly still gain ground on me. He yelled "Hey asswipe! I'm going to bend your dick so much it will make ballon tying clowns jealous!"
That did it I stopped and yelled "No fucking way." and bucked him as hard I could in the face. Well he was smart enough to pulled a team Rocket and all I heard was "Team Rockets blasting off again! Twinkle."
I was so busy bucking that asshole that I didn't realize that Pinkie was in front of me. She said "Van did you really break a Pinkie promise?"
I said "No I swear that I didn't Applejack just used you as a distraction."
I then turn to Pinkie whose hair has now deflated and said "Hey don't worry though. She just wants to be alone. Now come on let's go back to the competition. We got some events to win."
When we arrived back at the contest the score was 5-4 us. There was one event to win it all or tie for the extra event. Some ponies know it as The Monster or The Mauler. It was the dreaded path through the Everfree in the dead of night. It got it gruesome name form when the corse was established during Discord's rule. 1,000 ponies went in to clear it and only seven came back out. One went on to live a normal life while the other six were traumatized for life and deemed "Unfit for society" they were locked up until there deaths.
We chose our contenders it was Me and Jacob, the captains that were left to lead this deadly event. Thankfully we were more advanced than the ponies of Discorded time. We had Pegasus ponies patrolling the air, unicorns tracking our vital signs, and a handy Five Seven just in case.
We had three minutes until the race started. We were briefed of what our challenge would be like. A Six mile marathon through the solid dark with no guidance, but the path in front of us. They then made of sign a contract with I believe stated that they were responsible for any deaths wether they be by: Insanity, being eaten, getting lost, being maimed, falling, seizure, fire damage, drowning, and by suicide. Of course I signed and so did Jacob.
We were both waiting at the starting line the judge said "Ok I want a clean race! Don't die either! Good luck."
He said "Take your mark. Go!" and shot of a cap gun while we dashed into the forest.
We were neck and neck for about the first three mile constantly trying to get the upper hand on one another. By the fourth mile I decided to slow it down a little. I didn't seem to see Jacob in front of me anymore so I stopped and caught my breath for a minute. Then I hear what I dreaded most. A manticore breathing right next to my face. I instantly scream pulled out the Five Seven and try to unload the whole mag on it, but unfortunately fate had other plans. The gun was a dud. It shoot a stream of confetti which was then meet with a "Bang!" flag. This did nothing, but piss the manticore off more. He swung his massive claws at me, and it bears into my left foreleg. My instincts then kick in. I run. I run like my old track coach was on my ass for not meeting my regular time. I sprinted and sprinted and sprinted until I couldn't feel my legs. I gave up all hope and I was about to collapse and accept the fact of being torn apart while being eaten wasn't suck a bad way to go, but then something out a Disney movie happened. I was a the exit of the forrest. The home stretch. I get up ignoring the burning in my legs and run with all the energy that I can muster toward the finish.
I stumbled and tripped. Twice, but I made it. Looking like a drunk irishman I stumble across the line to an awaiting group of paramedic ponies on standby. I asked one of them "Where's Jacob?"
He replied "He hasn't come out yet. Come on we're taking you to a hospital."
I said "No! I stay here. Patch me up."
He sighed, but complied and began to tape my wound.
Its been three hours everypony has gone home, but the main six minus Applejack and us stand at the line waiting for our friend to come out along with a worried Vinyl Scratch, even through those thick goggles you can see her worry as clear as a crystal.
I finally get up and say "No man left behind."
My friends get up and put their hoof in a circle and say "No man left behind."
Then the mane six and Vinyl get up and say "No man left behind."
And with that we all get up and walk into the still pitch black Forrest.
Chapter 31 No Man Left Behind
5 hours later
"Come on guys run faster!" Rainbow yelled.
Rarity yelled back "I'm going to get something in my coat!"
Vinyl yelled "I know the feeling bro."
I yelled "We being chased by a Ursa Major! Your coat can wait!"
Michael yelled "How the fuck did we get into this shit!"
Graham began "Well it started when we walked into this godawful Forrest."
Five Hours Earlier
"No man left behind." We all repeated before walking in the depths of the dark and scary course that I had already braved today with a fake Five Seven. We had a .44 magnum that Elliott carries around with him and a silenced P99 along with a couple of spare mags. We decided to put Twilight and Rarity in the middle so they could us provide light. Rainbow and Pinkie on the sides for added protection. Vinyl and Fluttershy on the top corners because they had they sharpest eyes. And finally Me in the front and Elliott in the back.
We walked along the old path waiting for any signs of our friend. I turned to the side and noticed that the trees were pretty fucking scary. They looked like someone put a pony on a tree, stretched their face, and hammered it into the tree. As I said pretty fucking scary.
We then heard a voice coming from the trees. It said "Who dares enter the lair of the damned?"
I yelled "11 badass ponies looking for their friend!"
It said back in a dark and erie voice. "Why should I let to live?"
Cory yelled "Because if you don't I will fuck your shit up!"
I replied "Such arrogance I should teach you a lesson. Have some time travel bitches!" It chanted something, disarmed our weapons, and we were dropped in a portal.
"Oh god it's the purple vortex. Again." I thought as everypony else was screaming their goddamn heads off we landed in a big city filled with griffins and beavers?
I look over and see a familiar face. Holy shit it's Vespi! Wait a second where Nico? I'm going to kick his ass for influencing me to my death with the "Power of friendship."
I yelled "VVVEEEESSSPPPIIIII!"
He turns around and waves for us to come over he says "Holy shot bro thank god your here! We being overrun with beavers and griffins because Mike decided to steal one of Eminem's songs."
I ask "Which one?"
He says "Not Afraid."
I reply "Nice. So how the fuck do we get out of here?"
He asks "Have you ever seen Tron?"
I reply "Yeah."
He says "There's a portal in the harbor somewhere. We got to fight our way there!"
I say "Ok I'm going to need a couple of things. One weapons. Two Nico so I can beat his ass. Three some badass pimp music."
Well I could get weapons, possibly Nico, and I the pimp music. It got it covered." he said with a self satisfactory smile.
"What about transport?" Elliott asked.
He replied "Well Ayan did have a homemade Blackhawk, but it fell."
Graham being the king of all movies yelled "Blackhawk Down. Wait Is he alright?"
He replied "Don't worry he will be back sometime soon."
We all said "Oh ok."
He said "Come on guys I can get you weapons, but Nico will have to wait."
We sneak through the town avoiding all the beavers, but bad luck strikes again. We turned a corner to see a large patrol of beavers staring us right in the eye.
I asked Grant "Bro what the Fuck do we do!?!"
He replied "This has a .0001 chance of working, but it might."
He pulls a card out of nowhere and yells "I PLAY BEAVER WARRIOR!!"
Well what do you fucking know. Beavers apparently hate Yugioh cards. Now I've seen it all. We then began our mad dash down the street.
Cory yells "Twilight or Rarity do something!"
They fire up their horns shooting wage after wage of concentrated magic at them. Killing them on the spot.
Then Grant picks up a stick he found on the street and yells "Avada Kedavra!"
Michael yells "Grant noes not the time for some dumbass reference!"
Vespi turns over to the rampaging horde of beavers and says "Look there all dead."
Vinyl says "Whew guys we dodged a bullet there!"
Pinkie begins "You know what this calls for a Par--."
Thank god Rainbow Dash had taken the on the task of stuffing her hoof in Pinkie's mouth before she attracted more beavers. Rainbow asked "So how long until the harbor? How you holding up Shy?"
Fluttershy said "I didn't want to see those beavers die, but they were trying to hurt us so I guess that's all right."
Vespi said "There Aferican so there some nasty ass motha truckers."
Rarity said "So honey when do we get to the harbor? There's simply to much dirt around here for my coat to handle!"
He said "In about a minute we will arrive soon."
I said "Guys do you see that line?"
Vespi yelled "Oh Shit it's a beaver barricade!"
I heard a familiar voice it said "Don't worry bro I got you!"
It was Nico and he had a Abraham's tank with a huge sticker that said The LOL Tank on the side of it.
I said "Nico I love you so much right now. Maybe enough to only break on tooth!"
He shrugged his shoulders and said "Meh you gotta start somewhere.Hop in."
We all crammed inside to the tank and Nico yelled "Forward Charge!"
We speed through the barricade and made it to the harbor in ten seconds flat. We got out and say a ominous purple portal.
I said to Vespi "Until next time."
He replied and said "Until next time." We then proceeded to brohoof, but before we went in I ran over to Nico and punched him as hard as I could square in the jaw. We then all jumped in the purple light to continue our search.
We transported back into a dark cave. We had Twilight provide some light with her horn, and we saw that Jacob was shivering in the corner of the cave.
Cory yelled "Jacob!"
He gave us a quick shush sign and pointed up to something that looked like a ton of stars. That was looking straight at us.
Current Time
"And that's how we got here." Graham concluded.
Vinyl said "Jacob, if we don't get out of here I want you to know I like you."
He replied "That would be really hot if I probably wasn't going to die right now."
She replied "Do want to go out sometime?"
He yelled "If we don't die, Yes!"
She yelled back "Well I'm sure as hell ain't dying now!"
We then saw what we were looking for, the Forrest exit. We dashed as quickly as we could out of that condemned Forrest. Luckily it didn't follow us, but just let out a loud roar and returned to its slumbering place. We were all exhausted. We stumbled to the top of a hill to see that Celestia's sun was just staring to peak over the horizon.
Chapter 32 Butt Plugin Bitch!
Hey guys what is up? Well I got an editor his name is Uranium Spoon and he is an editing boss! He's done up to chapter 2 and I can already tell that everything is going to turn out super special awesome! Well I'm also on Spring Break so epect more updates than usual. Whoppe!
-Van
We were all exhausted from our previous experience that night. Everypony had fallen asleep, because they were to lazy to actually walk themselves home. So we decided that it would be best to sleep on that hill. Hey Equestrian hills are pretty fucking fluffy so it seemed like the most Limey choice. Vinyl and Jacob had snuggled up while Rarity was sleeping on Graham's stomach. I was the first to wake up, and decided that I would leave this peaceful scene to go get some breakfast. A daffodil sandwich sounded pretty delicious right now. I tried to move my hind legs to get up, but they were being wrapped around by an adorkable Twilight Sparkle.
I thought to myself "I guess I'll be here for awhile."
"Well you could always talk to me." a mysterious voice said.
I asked "Who in the name of God's green earth are you?"
He replied "I am you moral, your ethic, your urges."
"So you are my soul?" I asked
He said "Yes."
I said "Sweet! Hey what's my favorite color?"
"Midnight blue." it replied
"Fuck berries you got me! So what do you know what a Butt Plug is?" I asked
He replied "No, I do not know of this "Butt Plug" you speak of."
I said "Geez does my soul live under a rock?"
He said "Only if you consider your brain the size of a rock."
I replied "Oooh low blow man. Low blow."
He said "So what is this butt plug?"
"It's in Call of Duty. You hide under a rock in Search and Destroy with a M320 GLM and when they are planting the bomb so it up their poop shoot for the direct impact kill. Then yell BUTT PLUG BITCH." I said all in one breath.
He replied " Well then that was weird. I got to go your purple marefriend is waking up."
"She's not my marefriend!" I yelled as his voice began to dissipate.
Right after talk to my soul for what was about an hour or two Twilight began to stir for her peaceful slumber she said "Where are we?"
I said "On top of some hill that we decided was comfy enough to sleep on."
She said "Oh well I think that we need to wake the others and get something to eat."
I said "That sounds great, but your kinda wrapped around my legs."
She looked down at the awkward position she was in blushed a deep crimson, and began to apologize. I just told her that it was fine and that we should begin to wake the others. We began to rouse each one of them from their sleeps, but the best thing was when we got to Jacob and Vinyl they both mumbled "Five more minutes."
I say "Come on guys we are starving get your asses in gear you two can cuddle later."
Jacob reluctantly got and said "Fine bro, but I chose were we eat."
I said "Deal."
He says "Were going to go home and cook breakfast there for everypony."
I say "No we will have then for dinner."
He says "Well I get my cuddle time back."
I say "Well I still have your man card from the time you didn't want to show your dick on chat roulette!"
He yells "Well excuse me for being faithful!"
I yell back "Well she was really fucking hot! Right guys?"
"Bomb shell." Cory says.
"11/10" Grant agreed
Jacob finally complied "Fine, but dinner our house tonight and we make pancakes for lunch."
Michael said "Yeah bro that sounds good."
Elliott said "Dammit I wanted Waffles!"
I reply "Well then can you think of something more toolish than swag?"
He replies "Pimp daddy, 90 angle, flat bill hat, white but black swag."
Graham says "Well I guess we're having waffles."
"Agreed." we all said as we began out long walk back to the house.
After our waffletastic breakfast Cory wanted me to show him what a Butt Plug was so I fired up the Xbox and jumped in a game of search and destroy. I hid near the A bomb and played dead until I was the last alive. I saw the last guy in the other team begin to plant so I pull out the M320 shoot him up the ass and yell BUTT PLUG BITCH!
Michael was dumb founded he said "Dude how the fuck did you just do that?!?"
Elliott said "Don't doubt the mighty butt plug bitch!"
Graham muttered "Never again."
After the game we still had about Five hours until we had to begin the dinner. So I decided that I would spend time with my my favorite Princess. I teleport to the castle to where I'm greeted by some of the royal guards.
They say "Stop! What is your business?"
"I'm going to see my marefriend." I say
They say "Workers inside the castle cannot be visited during the day."
I say " Princess Luna isn't a worker."
They look at each other realizing their blunder. They say "Our apologies prince Van."
I say "Its fine. Take it easy boys."
They give me a crisp salute as a walk into the castle. "Hmmm prince Van I like the ring on it." I think to myself as I walk down the grand hall. When I reach the court room I peer in to see that Luna has court duty today. "Maybe I'll come back another time." I think, but it's to late. She's spotted me and waves for me to come in. This is going to be a long four and a half hours.
Random Quote: It's not easy being cheesy. Chester Cheeto
Chapter 33 Prince Prick
Ok I've twiddled my hoofs, drawn 10 pictures, messed with the pony in front of me, and broke 7 pencils. I'm bored out my mother fucking mind. I need something to do. What can I do in this boring court room? Wait Grant, Jacob, Graham, and Michael still need to be Trixie's bitch for a day. I say to Luna "Hold on I need to make a call real quick."
She says "Alright just make it quick."
I walk out to call Grant I quickly dial and say "Hey guess who get wants to be Trixie's Bitch to today?"
He sighs and says "Godamnit I forgot about gotta call up my homie ghost rider and get Trixie back from hell."
I say "Alright I will get Elliott to make sure that you guys actually do it."
All I hear over the phone next was a long "FFUUUUCCCCKKK."
I say "That's right you bastard your going to do it and your probably not like it."
He says "Alright I'll see you at the end of the day. Also where the flying fuck did you go?"
I reply "Canterlot."
He says "You gonna get some?"
I reply "Awww hell yeah!"
I say "Alright dude I gotta go. Business to do. See ya!"
He says "Alright see ya." and hangs up the phone.
On the way back to the court room I see Prince Prick the second himself. Yelling at a waiter over some damn boiled egg or something.
I walk over to him and ask "Is there a problem here?"
He replies "Yes! This piece of uncouth filth has ruined my lunch!"
I look over to the egg and say "Dude it looks fine."
He says in his super fucking annoying sarcastic voice "This is not fine this mare undeserving of life forgot the Ala de la précis on my egg she should be fired for this dire mistake!"
I turn to the mare to see that she is crying. That's where I steeled my voice and said sternly. "Blueblood you will eat this egg and apologize to this mare Immediately!"
He says "No."
I say "Well I would punch you as hard as I could, but where I come from we don't hit little girls."
He says with a snide smile "Well at least my frist marefriend wasn't gay."
I lost all control I teleport to the house and grabbed a double-action Smith & Wesson Model 29 500-cal. Magnum revolver of my dresser. The 500 Cal is the most powerful handgun in the world and fires bullets the size of my middle finger and then some.Then teleported back to Blueblood and said "Apologize. Now."
I get the same answer as last time so I proceed to shoot a warning shot in the air. The blast from it shatters windows in the cathedral ,and this fucker still remains unfazed. Ok here's where shit hits the fan I blast off Half of his horn with a loud bang. Then pop a shot into both of his knee caps. And finally smash the bud of my gun into the side of his head effectively knocking him out cold . I then go on clean up and magic him to the infirmary with a sticky note that explains that he borrowed on of my guns ,and shot his horn along with both of his knee caps.
I walk up to the mare and ask "Are you alright?
She says "Yes, I'm fine he just yelled at me a lot. I'm Starlight." and she extends her hoof.
I take it in a firm shake and say "Hello I am Prince Van."
She instantly releases my hoof and bows. Honestly Im pretty freaked out because I don't like all the royalties and snobby people that come with dating a Princess. I say "Please don't bow. I am more a friend than a Prince."
She ask "So will you get in trouble for what you did to Blueblood?"
I reply "Nah, he defiantly had it coming. Besides I think I've done worse. Remember when he had to go to jail for a good month or two?"
She said "Yeah that was when the castle was actually quiet for a month!"
I say "Yeah that's because I kicked him off a bridge, but he came out later and challenged me to a dual. To where he had the unfair advantage of armor. Therefore he was arrested for armored assault."
She looked at me like I just walked on water. In other words she was absolutely dumbfounded that such a magnificent feat had been achieved. That somepony could counter and stand up for the ponies that could fight back against his dreadful oppression. And they thought Celestia was bad. Jesus this guy makes her look like twenty saint Mary's. She asks "So you wont get in trouble for best well....Um beating the shit out of him?"
I reply "No because he is a cousin of Celestia and I am Luna's Stallionfriend. Therefore since I am Celestia's brother in law I am Blueblood's Uncle which is ironic because he is two years older than me. Oh well."
"Well that's is very ironic." she said as we were walking back to the courtroom.
When we got to the door I said "Thank you for leading me back here. We're going have to talk again sometime."
She nodded her head and I proceeded to walk into the court room which earned me a few looks from the ponies in the jury. I take my seat next to Luna and when the court resumes the she says "Where have you been its been nearly an hour!"
I say "It's a long story. Let me fill you in. It all started when I saw Blueblood yelling at the cook Starlight.
Meanwhile back in Ponyville.....
"So you have to do EVERYTHING that the Great and Powerful Trixe tells you to."
"Yes I believe so. Just nothing lethal" Elliott replied.
"Trixie believes she is going to have a lot of fun today."
To Be Continued
Bonus Chapter Trixie's Bitches
Chapter 34 Trixie's Bitches.
I'm not going to lie guys, but when I re-read this the next morning I nearly pissed my pants with laughter! You guys are going to love this. Also guys my Grandpa was admitted to the hospital today so please respect my privacy, and please be patient for the new chapters.
-Van
View Point Grant:
"Oh Thank god it's nothing lethal. Maybe she won't have hard feeling for literally sending her to hell." just as I finished that thought Trixie walks out of the room her eyes filled with rage and points to me.
She said it a stern voice "You."
I try and play it dumb by pointing a hoof at myself, but it doesn't work. She said "Yes you the pony who sent me to that pit of fire and eternal damnation. Come with me."
"Oh for the love of god let me not be to traumatized by this expierence." I think to myself as I quickly make a cross on my chest and follow Trixie into the back room.
View Point Jacob:
"Well better me than him." I think as I stumble out of my hiding spot in the house. Unfortunately for Grant he didn't get Elliott's memo about how today would work. Elliott had made a loop hope to where you could only be in the house, but I'd Trixie found you. Then you officially fucked. Though if you made it Twenty four hours without her finding you than you could avoid punishment. Graham took the smart alternative, and he stocked up all the food he could find whole barricading himself in his room. He also took the liberty of setting claymores filled with airspace bbs along with his homemade monitoring system and recon drone which was a toy helicopter that had a flip cam attached to it. I'm pretty sure I should have camped it up with him, but no I just had to use the attic. It seemed like a perfect idea, but there was no window or bathroom. I better make my move while shes still busy with Grant.
View Point Graham:
"Whew that took forever, but at least I'm safe. For now."
View Point Grant:
"No please! Make it stop!" I yelled as loud as I could.
"No I know that you love it!" Trixie yelled back as she continued.
"It's demeaning! And crude what kind of woman are you?!?" I yell.
"Insulting a lady huh? Looks like I'm going harder!"
"Nooooooo!!!!!!!!"
View Point Jacob:
"Nooooooo!!!!!!!!"
"I'm guessing that was Grant." I think to myself as I walk out of the bathroom with a feeling of relief.
"I better check on him." I think as a wall to the room to where all the commotion was coming from. When I reach the door all I hear is panting. My curiosity gets the better of me I open the door to see that Trixie is doing. The. Worst. Possible. Thing. She leans in again and begins to blow on Grant's belly again. He looks over at me with a look of sheer panic on his face, mutters two words "Kill Me."
That was all the warning I needed I dash up the flights of Starks as fast as I could and barricade the attic door with anything I could find. It I were to meet the same fate as Grant things would not be good. I just gotta wait it out. Five hours to go.
View point Michael:
Chapter 34 Trixie's Bitch.
View Point Grant:
"Oh Thank god it's nothing lethal. Maybe she won't have hard feeling for literally sending her to hell." just as I finished that thought Trixie walks out of the room her eyes filled with rage and points to me.
She said it a stern voice "You."
I try and play it dumb by pointing a hoof at myself, but it doesn't work. She said "Yes you the pony who sent me to that pit of fire and eternal damnation. Come with me."
"Oh for the love of god let me not be to traumatized by this expierence." I think to myself as I quickly make a cross on my chest and follow Trixie into the back room.
View Point Jacob:
"Well better me than him." I think as I stumble out of my hiding spot in the house. Unfortunately for Grant he didn't get Elliott's memo about how today would work. Elliott had made a loop hope to where you could only be in the house, but I'd Trixie found you. Then you officially fucked. Though if you made it Twenty four hours without her finding you than you could avoid punishment. Graham took the smart alternative, and he stocked up all the food he could find whole barricading himself in his room. He also took the liberty of setting claymores filled with airspace bbs along with his homemade monitoring system and recon drone which was a toy helicopter that had a flip cam attached to it. I'm pretty sure I should have camped it up with him, but no I just had to use the attic. It seemed like a perfect idea, but there was no window or bathroom. I better make my move while shes still busy with Grant.
View Point Graham:
"Whew that took forever, but at least I'm safe. For now."
View Point Grant:
"No please! Make it stop!" I yelled as loud as I could.
"No I know that you love it!" Trixie yelled back as she continued.
"It's demeaning! And crude what kind of woman are you?!?" I yell.
"Insulting a lady huh? Looks like I'm going harder!"
"Nooooooo!!!!!!!!"
View Point Jacob:
"Nooooooo!!!!!!!!"
"I'm guessing that was Grant." I think to myself as I walk out of the bathroom with a feeling of relief.
"I better check on him." I think as a wall to the room to where all the commotion was coming from. When I reach the door all I hear is panting. My curiosity gets the better of me I open the door to see that Trixie is doing. The. Worst. Possible. Thing. She leans in again and begins to blow on Grant's belly again. He looks over at me with a look of sheer panic on his face, mutters two words "Kill Me."
That was all the warning I needed I dash up the flights of Starks as fast as I could and barricade the attic door with anything I could find. It I were to meet the same fate as Grant things would not be good. I just gotta wait it out. Five hours to go.
View point Michael:
"Nooooooo!!!!!!!!"
"Oh shit looks like Trixie go her first victim. I hope he will be alright."
I look around at my placed defenses. I decided that it would be the best idea to camp in the armory. Besides the fact that it had a full stock of weapons, it also had army rations in it to so I just put some and bags up, barricaded that door, and loaded a M4A1 Carbine with stun rounds. Whoever gets through that door won't be killed by these rounds, but they will defaintly hurt. I'm not going anywhere.
Chapter 35 AAA
Guys finger cramps hurt like a bitch in a mood. Never do all you typing in an iPhone it kills big time! Espically when you've been playing Minecraft all day. Sorry that was a little off topic, well on with the story. Enjoy the chapter!
-Van
View Point Octavia:
"Well now that was a very pleasant train ride. Now I need to find the one who took Vinyl away from me, and kick their flank until its a bright as the sun itself."
I walk to the town hall to find that the mayor here is a very nice mare. She directed me straight to the house of this Jacob as Vinyl said. He's not going to see it coming.
I walk up the door and knock a couple of times. No answer. After about a minute I knock again. The door creaks open, but nopony is there. I wonder where they all are. I decided that the upstairs would be the best place to try. Right as my first hoof hits the stairs I here somepony yell "Sweet Celestia No!" I break into a gallop.
View Point Grant:
"Sweet Celestia No! Anything but the feather!"
"No your going to get what you deserve!" she said back to me.
"God please if you love me help."
View Point Michael:
Alright I've been sitting here for a good two hours now. I wonder if she will ever find me. Well since I'm bored enough I better check up on the others. This spell that Twilight taught me last week should do the job. Let's see Jacob is curled up on the attic, Graham's defenses around his room are holding fine, and Grant is. Oh my god. I have to help him no pony deserves that kind of brutal punishment . Let's hope I have enough energy for two teleportation spells in a matter of seconds. Here we go!
View point Grant:
"God help me, or just kill me now."
Kabam! Fwush!
"Holy shit my head." I thought as I got up of the floor. Wait I'm on the floor. Holy shit I'm free! I can move! I'm alive! Where am I though? I turn to see a tired Michael panting on the ground and pull him into a tight hug.
I say "Michael you are a saint!"
He replies "Thanks just please keep watch on the door with the M4A1 while I take a nap there are spare mags next to the M60 and please Remember to use the stun rounds we don't want to kill anypony here. Hopefully" . *Plop* well he's out cold for awhile better watch the door for any signs of Trixie.
View Point Jacob:
Damn I am bored I still have two hours to go until this stupid game is over. I should have not gotten lost in those woods, well never mind I never would have meet Vinyl. We have our date tomorrow, and I want to look my best for her. I wonder where we will go? Van said that she was a DJ so maybe I could do some remixes with her! That would be sweet. Well now I'm bored again. *Bam* oh shit she's here! *Bam* oh fuck fuck fuck *Bam* I yell "Trixie if this is you I not coming out easily! *Bam* "When I'm done your going wish I was Trixie! *Bam* What?
View Point Octavia:
After I heard that blood boiling scream I ran up all the stairs to what I believe was the attic that had a sticky note that said "Jacob is here" then I proceeded to bang at the door a hard as I could. He said "Trixie if this is you I'm not coming out easily." I replied "When I'm done your going to wish that I was Trixie!" then finally the door cracked down on its hinges and there was Jacob behind a fort of cans. I leaped at him as fast as I could, he dodged and ran down all the stairs. I then ran past Trixie who got in my way so I slammed her head into a wall and continued the chase. He ran all the way down to what was the basement and opened the door he yelled "Friendly Delta 4 from Shadow Company I have a tango on my six! Non lethal force is authorized! " whatever that meant then I was meet with a shocking pain then I couldn't move. Now I was screwed.
View Point Jacob:
"What the fuck just happened?" I thought to myself as I caught by breath. She just busted through the door and chased me around the house. Well at least she knocked out Trixie I suppose.
Michael walks up to me and says "Dude she pulled an AAA."
I reply "What the fuck is an AAA?"
He said "Attempted aggravated assault." with a moderately smug look.
"Where the hell did you learn that?" I ask
He replied "I took the criminal justice class. No big deal."
I shrug my shoulders and say "Well that works. Come on lets try to talk to her and let's tie Trixie up and put her in the attic."
Grant walks down the stairs and says "Alright one second."
I ask "Hey where did she get a black eye?"
He said nervously "Hit the wall."
I say "Grant."
He says "Fine I punched her, but only because she tickled me to death!"
I reply "Reasonable enough . Hey Michael teleport her to the attic and lock the door."
He replied "On it boss."
Elliott then walks down the stairs with Graham and says "The game is over due to KOing Trixie and I think we have a bigger problem for you Jacob." he points to Octavia.
"Well lets get this over with." I think.
I say "So Octavia please tell me why you are here."
Brony: [ˈbrɔnɨ] is a village in the administrative district of Gmina Krzyżanów, within Kutno County, Łódź Voivodeship, in central Poland.[1] It lies approximately 12 kilometres (7 mi) south of Kutno and 40 km (25 mi) north of the regional capital Łódź.
The village has a population of 80.
Your doing it wrong. Derp?
Preparations
Chapter 36 Preparations
Guys Grandfather is out of the hospital fine thank the good lord! But there is one thing wrong..... My grades are faltering a little I have A,A,B,C and now I have to move Haven, Earth, and maybe Hell to get them back to their former glory. Expect less updates, and this will give MasterBrony (Who is Doing a great job by the way) more time to edit the earlier chapters. Thanks!
-Van
Meanwhile back in Canterlot:
Thank the fucking lord this court is finally over! It was so fucking boring. Paint drying would be more interesting than that filly talking about being a pop star. She was so fucking annoying! And I don't even want to think about talking to Diamond Tiara again." *shudder*
"Well that was a better day than usual." Luna said with a bright smile.
"Yeah that wa. Wait this was a better day?"
"Yeah usually ponies are a lot more whiney than that surprisingly." she replied.
"Remind me to never accompany you to that dreadful court again." I say in my serious voice.
"Well that's no way to treat a princess and a very sexy one at that." she replied with a grin on her face.
"Well no man from where I can from ever did something that boring. Well maybe that guy who sat in solid ice for three days, but that's it." I say.
"Well I still owe you that reward so how about some this nice hot flank?" She asked.
"I think I'd like that." I say with a smile coming across my face."
"Well the come with me then." she said.
2 hours 31 minutes and 17.39 seconds later:
"You ready for round five?" she asks still panting.
"I don't know. "When your that fucking sticky its kind of a turn off, plus I've had enough sloppy seconds for a lifetime. " I reply.
"Sloppy what now?" she asks
"Ummm Never mind." I reply.
"Well what do you want to do now?" she asks.
"I thinks it's time to get us some dinner. It is around Nine." I reply.
She says "Well let's go to somewhere in Canterlot tonight. I think they opened this new Prench place that Celly said was really good."
I say "Sounds good to me, but first could we go by the infirmary? I think Blueblood and I need to have a talk. Well once he decides to wake up. Never mind lets just go what is this place called again?"
"It's called Le Lun'ar Fereti." she said
"That sounds fancy." I replied
"Well we have to make it there first." she stated
"Where would we have any prob. Oh god the paparazzi." I said.
"Don't worry I can teleport there, but our problem lies inside the establishment. Ponies are going to notice, and they are going to alert the press that going to freak out."
"Well then it looks like we're going public." I replied
"Wait what?" she instantly replied
"Yeah we should make a public speech tomorrow! And finally get all those ponies off our ass." I said
Luna then had a sudden interest in her hoofs. In other words she needed more persuading. I said "Well let's just go to dinner tonight at 10:00. We can try to announce our relationship a little later after we plan how to do it, and see how this works."
Little does she know I have plans for the future that could alter the course of Equestrian history forever!
Just then Pinkie hops out of a nearby plant and yells "FOREVER!"
I reel back startled and say "Pinkie how da fuck did you know what I was thinking?"
She chuckled and said "Well silly the Author told me!"
I Facehoof on impulse and ask "How in the hell did you get here though? Or for gods sakes in that plant?"
She once again giggles and says "That's for me to know and for you to find out!"
I laugh and say "Well then it's out of my power to interferer with that! Have a good day you crazy ass mother fucker!"
She yells "See ya you later!" and then gives a loud meep meep and dashes off with a cloud of smoke. Things couldnt be better today. Oh well I still have a hour until dinner tonight. What should I do? Hmmm. Just then my phone rings I instantly pick it up to see that it was Jacob.
He said "Van, your friend Octavia tried to assault me today."
I reply "Not even a hello? Your no fun."
He sighs deeply into the phone and says "Hello Van how are you?"
I reply "Very well thank you, and now about Octavia. Please elaborate."
He said "Well you know about the rule change with use being able to hide from Trixie?"
I reply "No who brought this rule in?!?"
There was a brief pause then he said "Elliott."
I reply "Oh then that's fine. Fill me in on all the details."
He takes in a deep breath and says "Well Grant got tickled to death by Trixie, then Octavia came, and tried to beat my ass for going out with Vinyl, Then she chased me down the hallways of the house and knocked Trixie against the wall on blind rage, And now Octavia is tied in the basement, and Trixe is Knocked out and locked in a closet. Advice?"
I reply "Call Vinyl, Leave Trixie, and ask Octavia what she would do for a Klondike bar. K bye."
I hang up the phone, and continue to prepare for my fancy dinner tonight. When I'm finally done I walk into the throne room to where I see Luna waiting for me. She is wearing a midnight blue dress with a black hair band. Simple and easy. I was wearing a tux with a slightly lighter tie. Until now I didn't think that ponies could wear full body tuxes, but once again this place fails to impress me. I walk to Luna and she asks "Are you ready?"
I reply "Yes I am."
She says "Good Now let's get this show on the road."
Now as requested here are some random facts on armadillos:
Armadillos always give birth to four identical babies. All four develop from the same egg, like quadruplets
The shell of a baby armadillo is as soft as a Rhuman fingernail. As they grow, bone gets deposited under the skin to harden it.
After sex, an armadillo can delay impregnation for up to 2 years
They can also climb up fences and trees
Not all armadillos can curl into a ball. Only the 3 banded armadillo can do it.
The USA has the only species of Armadillo that live outside of Latin America.
Armadillos sleep up to 16 hours a day
The word Armadillo in Spanish means “little armoured one”
Armadillos have poor eyesight and so can be easily startled while foraging.
A pound of Armadillo meat contain 780 calories
Disaster Date
Chapter 37 Disaster Date
Guys I'm thinking for the 50th Chapter Special I'm going to do something special. Leave a vote below on who you would like to see in real life, and if this story continues you will see the whole cast including myself. Vote Now, and use this scale! Yay organization for Twilight!
A:Cory
-Van
Teleporting under somepony else's magic takes a toll on you. Seriously it's like have Dubstep being blared into your ears with the volume crank up to 11/10. In other words my head fucking hurt by the time we got to the restraunt. When we finally got out of that hellish pit of space I said "Next time I believe I'll walk from the castle. Thank you very much."
She replied "Come on I couldn't be that bad."
I point my hoof at her and say "Well when we go back we are going to teleport under MY magic, because when I was with you it sounded like somepony was blaring the worst music I've ever heard in my head."
We decided to walk into the establishment, and see if we could get a meal without being fully pampered to. We walk in to see a host at the door. He kindly introduced us to tour table, and we began to think about what we would order. Our waiter walked to our table and said "Hello, My name is Blue Lancer and I will be your waiter tonight. May I start you off with something to drink?"
Luna said "I'll have a Jura mixed with a glass of wine please."
I said "I'll have a beer. Oh and a water please."
He said "Right away I will return soon your majesties."
When Blue was out of sight Luna poked me on the shoulder and said "Really Van a beer? Just a beer? Nothing special? Just a beer? Not even a flavor?"
I reply "That's how I roll. Deal with it."
She said "Thats no way to treat a princess. Hmph."
I said "Well if you want to a prissy princess I can't spank you for being naughty anymore."
She looked shocked replied "Never mind I want to be naughty princess."
I said "That's what I thought."
Just as I finished my sentence Blue can back with our drinks. He said "Here are your drinks. Do you need any more time on decided what you want?"
I said "Yes I believe I know what I want."
Luna said "I as well."
He said "What will you have ma'am and sir?"
Luna said "I'll have Black bean soup please."
He asked "And you sir?"
I replied "The potato soup with a loaf of Prench bread a la carte."
He looked at me stunned like I had just hopped TO THE MOON! Then he regained his composure, and said "Right away sir."
For the next couple of minutes we remained quiet until I pulled my ultimate troll move. I asked "Luna do you like bananas?"
She looked at me unsure where I was going with this and replied "Yeah I guess."
I said "So your a mmmmm bitch that mmm likes bananas."
She replied "Well that's not very nice, Van."
I finished my meme based joke and said "Well your about go bananas ON THE MOOOOOOOON!!!!"
Then the scariest thing in my life just happened. I got the stare. This stare was so scary I saw Slenderman murder 1000 children, the Jewish concentration camps, and seasons 1-3 of the original my little pony. In other words. Pure. Hell. Trying not to make a scene I run the bathroom,
After about an hour of holding on to my back legs, and rocking in place I hear a voice. It said "Van are you in there? It's Elliott. What the hell is wrong with you?"
I panic and reply "It's the stare man! I'm fucking scared!"
I hear faint whispering from outside, and then hear "Van? Please come out I promise not to do anything."
I reply "No! If I had pants they would be pissed three times over!"
I heard a loud sigh and then she said "Well looks like Elliott and I are breaking in."
I instantly freak out and think "Oh shit what can I do?!? Wait magic. Derp."
But it's to late my lock and toilet paper defenses weren't good enough they busted through the door, and contained me. Luna said "Van look into my eyes."
I yell "No they's scary!"
She says "Elliott hold his eyes open."
I struggle and ye for a bit then just give up. I look into her eyes to see the dark blue orbs that are filled with concern, fear, and tears. I finally regain my composure, and say "Thank you I feel much better now, and if it's not to much trouble could you let me blink? It's starting to piss me off a little."
She looks at me stunned for coming back so quickly after freaking out for such a long time and says "Alright I seems like you are ok. Let's go home."
Elliott pipped up and asked "What about me?"
Luna replied "You can stay in Canterlot for awhile if you want."
He said " I would like that, but can we walk back to the castle? I don't think handle another magic trip."
Luna and I laughed a little and she said "Sure. Let's go."
And with that we began our stroll back to the castle.
And as Requested have some facts on *Drumroll* Cats!
Cats can't taste sweets.
A cat's tongue consists of small "hooks," which come in handy when tearing up food.
Americans spend more annually on cat food than on baby food.
In 1987 cats overtook dogs as the number one pet in America.
A group of youngsters (kittens) is called a kindle; those old-timers (adult cats) form a clowder.
The catgut formerly used as strings in tennis rackets and musical instruments does not come from cats. Catgut actually comes from sheep, hogs, and horses.
Black cat superstitions are as American as apple pie. In Asia and England, black cats are considered lucky.
Cats have five toes on each front paw, but only four toes on each back paw.
Cats have true fur, in that they have both an undercoat and an outer coat.
When a domestic cat goes after mice, about one pounce in three results in a catch.
The cheetah is the only cat in the world that can't retract it's claws.
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.
In cats, the calico and tortiseshell coats are sex-linked traits. All cats displaying these coats are female... or occasionally sterile males.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
Cats must have fat in their diet because they can't produce it on their own.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
The heaviest cat ever recorded was 46 lbs.
Cats have a third eyelid called a haw and you will probably only see it when kitty isn't feeling well.
A cat sees about six times better than a human at night because of the tapetum lucidum, a layer of extra reflecting cells which absorb light.
Adult cats with no health problems are in deep sleep 15 percent of their lives. They are in light sleep 50 percent of the time.
Chapter 38 The Easter Special.
Happy merry Easter everypony!
-Van
After a good nights rest in Canterlot Castle Luna, Elliott, and I decided that it was time to visit Ponyville for some R and R. After a basic breakfast consisting of biscuits, eggs, and grits I checked my IPhone clock. It read 9:59, April 8th 2012. Then I was overtaken with a sudden joy that could not be described. I turn to Elliott, who is still drinking his orange juice, and yell "Dude it's Easter!"
He looks at me like I'm stupid, checks he clock, spits out his orange juice, and yells "Bro it is Mother flipping Easter!"
I yell "Hell yeah Brohoof."
We then proceed to brohoof while Luna looks at us confused. She asks "What is this Easter you speak of?"
Elliott goes "No way they don't have Easter?"
I smack him on the head and reply "Why would they? They aren't Christians."
He looks at me and says "Oh right good point."
I say "Well that doesn't mean we shouldn't celebrate it."
He replies "Well I'm not sitting through a two hour church service."
I reply "I'm right there with you bro."
Luna comes back into the conversation and asks " Now would you care to elaborate on what Easter is?"
I say "Yeah I'll tell you on the way to Ponyville."
She looks at me and says "Aright let me get my stuff."
Elliott looks at me and says "Woman."
I simply nod back at him as we board or carriage to Ponyville.
*Meanwhile Back In Ponyville*
Viewpoint Jacob
"Fuck yeah it's Easter!" Cory yelled throughout the house As the sun began to rise.
"It's to early for this shit." I thought as I lugged myself out of bed to silence Cory's pre-Easter screaming.
I trotted down the stairs to see that Cory was looking though catalogs of local stores. He looked at me and said "Where is the Easter stuff?"
I said "Cory these ponies aren't Christian. They don't have Easter."
He looked at me with fire in his eyes and said "Well their going to get Easter because who the hell doesn't like candy?"
Graham walls down the stairs and says "I don't really like candy."
Grant walks down and says "Silence fool everypony loves candy!"
Cory says "My point exactly."
I say "Well Easter isn't just about candy. It's about how our lord and savior Jesus Christ rose form the dead and assessed to heaven after he was crucified by."
I was cut of by a chorus of "Shut the Fuck up!"
Cory began to chant "Candy Candy Candy Candy."
Grant then yelled "Grab your bits! We're getting all the candy! Charge!"
I couldn't stop them even if I tried. When everypony had left the house it was only Graham and I left. He looked over at me and said "I'll call Van."
*Back on the Carriage*
Viewpoint Van
"Hello? I said as I picked up the phone.
He said "Dude it's Graham. Your friends Cory, Michael, and Grant have decided to raid every store for candy in celebration of Easter."
I reply "Are they paying?"
Graham replied "Yeah I think so."
I said "Then what's the big deal then? If they pay for a shitton of candy I say that they can eat it."
He said "No you don't understand those three uncontained with a sugar rush could be deadly to the other ponies around them."
I replied "My god we have to contain them quickly!"
Luna and Elliott looked at me with concern and asked "What's wrong?"
I said "Cory, Grant, and Michael are going on a sugar rampage by buying all the candy in Ponyville."
I turn to Elliott who had somehow gone pale. He said "Something like that happened last year except at Halloween, but it resulted a broken golf cart, a missing tooth, and garbage cans. This Is. The. Worst. Possible. Thing."
Luna looked over at us and said "Don't worry we can track them down and lock them in their rooms until tomorrow."
I replied "Yeah I'm sure once they are contained they will be fine."
Elliott asked "How are we going to get them once were a the house?"
I asked "Didn't they use stun rounds against Trixie?"
He replied "Yeah. Also she's still in the closet, and We put a spell on Octavia so she couldn't leave the house until we got answers."
I said "Well we better take care of that first. Wait Trixie is still in the Godamn closet?!? That was two whole days ago! Get her out! What if she used the bathroom?"
We all look at each other then put our hoofs on our noses. Elliott was last. He yelled "Damnit why do I always have to pick up everypony's shit?"
I said "Because your you and that's your job."
A couple of minutes later we arrive at the house. When I first walked in it looked like a wreck. Tables turned over, drinks everywhere, and a half eaten sandwich on the couch. I said "Have you guys even cleaned yet?"
Elliott shock his head at me and I sighed. I asked "Ok where is Octavia?"
Elliott pointed to our only remaining guest room. I walked up the stairs, and knocked on the door. She said "Let me out of this fucking house!"
I said "Cool it Octy it's me Van."
She cracked the door and said "Please come in."
I walked in the room to see that it was actually clean and asked "Ok first thing is first why did you try to assault Jacob?"
She said with a very sad look on her face "Because he was dating Vinyl, and I wasn't."
I asked "Didn't she say that she wanted something serious between you two?"
She said "Yes, but I didn't feel that way about her at the time."
I said "Then it's not Jacob's fault."
She sighed and said "No it's mine. I should apologize right?"
I nodded and said "I you do I'll let you have a free punch."
She smiled at me and said "Deal."
I released the house binding spell on her and we walked down the stairs to Jacob and Luna who were talking about something in the kitchen. I nudge Octavia who walks up to Jacob and says "Jacob I'm sorry for trying to assault you two days ago. I was just jealous of you and Vinyl's relationship. I can only hope that you can forgive me."
He says "Octavia, I forgive you, but please never try that again. You looked like you wanted to beat the shit out of me."
Octavia looks over at me, and I nod. She then backs up and punches him as hard as she can in the face. He yells "What the hell was that for?"
I say "Meh put it on my tab. You owe me one remember?"
He looked at me reluctantly and says "I don't think doing a save your life into the deep in and accidentally catching me count. Prick."
Before we begin to argue some more Luna comes in and saves the day! Gotta love her. She says "Don't we have to go chase down three sugar crazed manics?"
We all nod in agreement. I ask "Octavia do you want to join us on our little adventure? You get to knock down the ponies who locked you in that room for a couple of days."
She says "Of course as I once heard somepony in Canterlot say Paybacks a Bitch."
We all walk down the basement to ready up. We were wearing standard marine armor and had pistols with stun rounds in them. We walk out onto the street to see that they are bustling with activity. I began to scan the buildings looking for any sign of crazed ponies. I hear a blood curling cry that said only on word "Candy!"
We look up to the roof to see that Grant was sitting there with a full cake in hoof and multiple colors of frosting hanging out of his mouth. Octavia yells "That's the asshole that locked me in that room!" she fiddles with her gun a little turns in sideways and gansta blast Grant in the side on the arm. He falls with a loud thump with nopony seems to notice. Luna picks him up off the ground with magic and teleports him. Graham asks "Where'd you sent him to?"
She replied "His room with the doors and windows magically enchanted to withstand any forms of escape. It's what we use in the guard cells in the castle."
I say "One down two go. Where should we check next?"
Elliott asked "What about Sugarcube Corner?"
Then it clicked. I said "That's probably where Grant got that cake and frosting."
Octavia who finally calmed down asked "Luna can you teleport us there?"
She nods and the next thing you know where in the middle of a battlefield. On one side Pinkie and Gummy are holding their own. While Cory and Michael are assaulting the bakery with everything they got. We join Pinkie and Gummy Next to the sweets counter. She yells "They're countering! Fall back to the kitchen!"
We run to the kitchen flip over a table and load up the rounds. Michael bounds through the door and we unload a small burst into him, and he was down and out. Luna teleported him to his room and now all that was left was the leader. Cory. We hear loud bangs in the ceiling. This some shit out of dead space or something like that it was pretty damn scary.
Just then Cory burst out of the ceiling and drops down, and stuffs a cake in Elliott's mouth. Then runs out the door. He mumbles with his mouth full of cake "Go on without me."
Pinkie comes in and says "Don't worry Gummy and I will watch him. Besides I gotta clean up Sugarcube Corner."
We nod then bound out the door determined to find where Cory went. I asked Where else are sweets sold around here?"
Luna replies "What about Applejack's cart?"
I said "That would be a good place to look. I'm pretty sure they do sell sweets there, but we might want to check Bon Bon's sweetshop after."
We nod and head into town still determined to find Cory.
She said "Yeah I think I saw him go into Bon Bon's sweetshop muttering somethin bout candy. Creepiest thing I've ever seen."
I nod and say "Thanks AJ." and bound off for the shop which was just over the next street.
We wall over to see that Cory had been trapped in Lyra's magic. We walk over to him to see that he is clutching his stomach. He says "No more candy!"
I replied "Wow Cory what did they feed you?"
Bon Bon replied "Well he tried a new experimental candy. By the looks of it I need to go back to the drawing board."
I said "Well if he didn't eat it your shop might have not had any candy."
I shoot Cory in the foot with the tranquilizer and Luna teleports him home. I say "Well I think we're done here. I think we should get going."
Octavia says "Thank you for showing me a fun time. I'll have to visit soon on better terms."
I reply "Yeah come by anytime."
We wave bye and I ask "Should we get Elliott?"
Luna replies "Nah Pinkie's got him. Let's go home."
Graham says "I'll meet up with you I need to talk to Somepony."
I say "Alright. Meet you back at the house."
He nods and walks away. I ask "You ready?"
Luna replies "Yeah let's go." We then begin to walk in the direction of the house know that we had accomplished a lot today.
Have some Easter facts! Short and sweet.
90 million chocolate Easter bunnies are made for Easter each year.
Each day, five million marshmallow chicks and bunnies are produced in preparation for Easter.
16 billion jelly beans are made for Easter (that’s enough to completely fill an 89 feet high and 60 feet wide plastic Easter egg – about the height of a nine-story office building!)
Chapter 39 Kind Of A Rarity
Exams and Track Meets and Homework oh my! I've been super busy lately, and on top of that my parents made a “Surprise” trip to Nashville with my brother and I. They pulled us out of school early and I didn't bring my phone so I couldn't write. Big sorry about that.
-Van
Graham's Point of View
"Damn how am I going to do this right?" I thought as a walked down the dark street.
"I mean I know that she liked me since we talked at that party that Pinkie threw us, and Van told me that she said that the mare talking to me was ummm an uncouth bitch or something like that." I continued to think.
"Who could I ask for advice? Maybe Twilight has a book on it." I begin my short walk to the library to see if she has anything in her selection. When I reach the door I am greeted by a little Draco with bloodshot eyes who says "Sup dude."
I asked "Dude you stoned?"
He replies "Yeah man poison jokes is that shit."
I say "Right man. So do you know where Twilight is?"
He says "Yeah dude she's upstairs. Want a blunt?"
I say "Nah maybe later, but thanks for the offer."
He says "K dude."
I walk inside and walk up the stairs to see a closed door. I knock and I hear a "Spike! I told you I was busy!"
I reply "It's not Spike it's Graham. Van's friend."
She says "Oh sweet Celestia I'm sorry I'll be out in a minute." just as promised she walks out in roughly a minute. Hey when you got a dragon smoking blunts downstairs what else are you going to do?
When she came out I asked "This might be a little embarrassing, but do you have a book on how to tell somepony you love them?"
She looked at me with a really happy face on that would have made Pinkie envious. Probably because somepony wanted a book or some shit like that. She said "Who's the special somepony?"
I said "Ummm somepony you know really well."
As impossible as it seems her smile grew even bigger. She said "I won't tell anypony Pinkie promise."
I sighed and said "It's Rarity."
Her smile instantly faded, and she said "I'll get you that book."
She trotted down the stairs magicked a book off the shelf and said with mundane in her voice "Thanks for coming to Ponyville library come back soon."
She then led me downstairs and slammed the door in my face and then from what I thought I heard ran up the stairs. Holy fuck this is a weird night, maybe Van could help me. He's pretty good with awkward situations.
Van's Point of View
Clop clop clop clop clop clop. Was the sound my hooves made as I returned home from my relaxing evening walk though the streets of Ponyville. Honestly it was a much more casual look that Canterlot was. Besides Canterlot was filled with poor drunks and fugly hookers. I really thought that this world was completely innocent, but hey you know the saying "The grass isn't so green on the other side of the fence". On my way home I do run into Graham who looks like he's tripping balls and freaking out. I ask "Dude what the hell is wrong?"
He said "Im so damn confused and I'm freaking out because the little dragon thing in Twilight's Library is smoking blunts! Also I don't know how to ask out Rarity!"
I reply "Damn dude your seem to be in a shit load of trouble, but I think I have a solution."
He asks "What?"
I say "Grant. Back on Earth his job was to practically solve girls problems, and the only reason why I remember that was because the buzzing of his phone got really fucking annoying while we were playing poker."
He replied "Are you sure that he could help in this situation?"
I reply "I'm completely positive.
He says "Alright can I trust you, but we should probably ask him if he wants to."
I say "Aright let's talk to him we're almost home anyway."
He says "Alright dude."
We walk into the house to see that Cory is asleep on the sofa, Jacob and Vinyl are hanging out, Elliott and Michael are playing Call of Duty, and that Grant is in the kitchen making a burrito. I walk up to him and ask "Dude could you help us?"
He replies "Yes, but I need to eat this burrito first. It took an hour and a mother fucking half to find all the ingredients."
Graham says "What's in there?"
He replies "Whatever is in a normal burrito minus the meat. Hey Van could we take a hike or something into Broke Back Mountain?"
I reply "Sure, but why? You never really liked running or hiking for that matter."
He says "No I don't I really hate doing that, but do you think we could bring some bacon strips or something and have a cook out? I really miss meat."
I say "Sure if everypony else is up for it yeah we can get some delicious pork products. But you have to help us first."
He replies "Sure why the hell not?"
I say " It's girl problems."
He groans and says "Fine. What's the problem?"
Graham takes over and says "Well I like Rarity, and she likes me, but Twilight likes me and I don't like her. What could I do?"
He replies "That's easy. You tell Twilight you don't feel that way, but say you want to be friends. You ask Rarity to be you mare, and go on a date. Therefore Twilight and Rarity are still friends the end."
I say "See he's kind of a rarity then it comes to these things."
Graham replied "Well I can agree with you there. Well I'll get everything settled in the morning."
I say "Alright that sounds good, and look at those two."
We look over at the couch to see that Vinyl and Jacob had snuggled together on the couch with their tails hanging off. The best part was that the were wrapped around each other and they formed a heart.
Elliott can up behind us and said "Well I know the best way to end this perfect night for them."
He walks up right over their heads, mouths to us three words. "Cover you ears." he pulls out a blow horn and then shit hits the fan. Literally.
Have some Narwhal facts!
The name narwhal means "corpse whale" because it often swims belly up, laying motionless for several minutes
Narwhals often travel in pods of about 4-20 whales; these pods are often seperated by sex
If you were to swim in a narwhal pod and you heard one whistle or squeal to the other one... well that would be the last thing you would hear because the sounds that narwhals make are deafening to humans
The average weight of a narwhal is one ton!!!
Chapter 40 A Big Mistake
Hello everyone! Sorry for the long wait Finals are pretty much enveloping my time like a white blood cell to a pathogen. Fuck you biology. Well did you guys see the season 2 finale?!? Holy shit! Disneys got nothin on us. Hasbro 4 life bro.
-Van
After apologizing and cleaning up the last of Jacob's feces that hit the fan and sent shit flying everywhere we decided that we would shower off and have a meeting outside on the main porch to discuss what course if action should be taken in Graham's problem, and how it should be taken care if without really devastating her feelings. Seriously the poor girls struck out once already she needs a well deserved break.
After about an hour of tedious cleaning I got Luna who had the night off from court to come to the meeting. I assumed that she was the oldest of all of us therefore she had the most wisdom and insight on what to do in Graham's current predicament. When we had all gathered on the deck fresh cool coolers filled with mountain few were waiting for us to drink them. Thank god too because it was going to be a long fucking night.
To begin our meeting I said "Alight guys is everypony here?"
I look over to see that everypony is in fact here including Luna. I say "Well we got a serious problem on our hands. Graham has gotten into some mare trouble and he needs our help to fix his fucked up problem. Suggestions?"
Luna spoke up and asked "Who's the best at solving these problems?"
Elliott, Graham, and Michael pointed their hoof quickly in the direction of Grant who just sighed and said "Well I do have the most experience in solving girl problems. It's what I did back home as kind of a hobby."
Cory doubles over laughing and says "A hobby? Dude it was like your mother fucking job! Don't lie you dick biscuit."
I back him up and say "Yeah up until the end of 9th grade thats all you seemed to do, and if Jacob and I recall correctly you bitched about it too."
Grant was about to retaliate with one of his world famous worth smart ass comebacks until Luna clapped her hooves together and said "Good! Now thats all settled."
Cory asked "What do you mean?"
She facehoofed and "It means we just send Grant in you retarded block head."
I WAS going to say it but Grant beat me to the punch. He yelled "Hey spread the word to end the word broski!"
Everypony looks at him and says "Tool."
I think "Better him than me." before getting ready to get this plan ready.
The next day around noon we decided that it's time to send Grant out on his mission formally dubbed "Operation Strikeout". Our general plan went as follows: Send Jacob on a quick recon sweep, have Grant infiltrate, fix Twilight, GTFO. It seems pretty basic and it should have a 100% success rate. It's now 11:30 it's time to begin our operation.
Ok it's now 12:00 Jacob has returned from his recon mission with the all clear from Spike. We had him evacuate the house just in case things go south. Now it was time to send in the big guns. I yell "Grant it's go time! hoorah!"
He yells back with a with a fake army voice "Hoorah!"And then sprints out the door.
Grant's Point Of View
"Ok now I feel officially stupid for yelling back at Van. Sometimes I think he was dropped on his head." I think to myself as I compose my thoughts for the endeavor ahead of me. I think "How am I going to do this? Well first things first I have to be subtle about it I need to kinda dance around the topic not go for a direct approach."
After my hard thinking session I see that I have arrived at the tree house library thing. I think to myself "It's go time."
I knock on the door gently enough to not be disturbing, but loud enough to get her attention she opens the door and asks "Oh hi Grant what are you doing here?"
I reply "I'm here mainly because I'm bored the guys aren't doing anything today so I thought I would come and read for awhile."
She looks at me, smiles, and says "That sounds great! Please come in."
I think to myself "Bingo." I say "You have a very nice library here."
She says "Thank you, but really Spike does all the cleaning here."
I say "Well he does a very good job."
She replies "Yes he is my special little guy. Can I get you some tea?"
I reply "Yes tea sounds really nice right now."
She trots off to boil the tea. I think to myself "Ok Grant your almost there just beat around the bush a little more."
A couple of minutes later she comes back in with two cups of boiling hit tea. She asks "So what books did you want to read while you are here?"
I rely "Ummm."
I panic and think " Shit! I really pulled a blank this time didn't I?"
I hesitate and reply "Ummm Earth Pony magic."
She looks at me quizzically and asks "Ok cut the crap why are you really here?"
I sigh and say "Well to be completely honest I was sent here by my friends."
She asks "Why?"
I reply "To get an alternate view point on the current situation with Graham."
She gets out of her chair and yells "Why can't you just leave my problems alone!?!"
I see a small light coming from her horn.
She continues "Who do you think YOU are SNOOPING in MY personal business?!?"
The light was getting brighter.
She screams "Why can't you just LEAVE ME ALONE?!?"
That light was really bright now.
She finishes and yells "JUST GET OUT!"
the next thing I know I'm meet by a tsunami of pain and agony. I look back to see that I have a ahead through about seven walls. Then my whole world goes black.
To be continued.
Here are some interesting facts about Black Widow spider:
Male Black Widow spiders and juveniles of both sexes (which resemble the male) do not bite, so they are not dangerous to humans.
The venom of the female Black Widow spider is 15 times more potent than that of the Prairie Rattlesnake.
The female will occasionally dine on the male after mating, hence the name "Widow".
Chapter 42 A Promise
Ok guys Im not van so please don't hate me, and I'm hoping he doesn't change it too much, well anyways here you go.
Ps. Still in Van's point of view.
Hey guys it's Van please understand that writing style might change a bit, but I'm keeping it as humorous as ever. This chapter might be a bit darker but not by much it's just because we have different writing styles. Thanks for understanding, and enjoy!
"Guys, shut up and let him talk." Elliott snapped as he slapped Cory on the back of the head, here Grant is on his death-bed and Cory is hitting on the god damn nurse.
Grant smiled faintly and whispered under the little breath he still had in him "thanks Elliot, could you, Michael and Graham go get twilight?... I want to talk to her before I'm gone.. Plus I want to say some things to my these three dumbfucks here" he said with a somewhat growing smile. Elliott nodded quickly and rushed the other two out the door to find the guilty purple pony.
"Jacob, Van, Cory... Come over here... You guys have been my best friends for these last few years and I just want you guys to know these years have meant a lot.. I never did have friends until I met you and I'm glad I did. I couldn't have asked for better friends ."
By this time me and jacob were staring Down at him Feeling awful, Cory's eyes were even starting to water, wait is that a tear?
"Holy flying fuck, Cory is crying" I thought as I turned my attention back to Grant.
He continued " I'm not sure if this is good bye, but I really hope I get to come back here and see you, I hope this isn't the end.. I'll really miss you guys... But don't you assholes be too saddened by my leaving, I dont want to mess up you all's good times."
He smiled again with tears coming down his face. Grant cmon don't go... You can't go! Just stay with us man. Don't go dying on me!" Cory yelled now crying more heavily.
"Somepony get this guy a health pack! We need some Hyper potions over here quick!" Jacob blurted out crazily, obviously somepony has been playing too many video games...
"I promise Grant... We will find a way to bring you back here... We will do it... You have my word you son of a bitch"
He said "I know you will man, and I can go easy now that I know that.... But I still need to talk to twilight.. Where is that fucking mare.. "
Just then though she walked the the door... Well more like she was pushed through by the other three colts, she looked like she had been crying and she couldnt even look at grant. "Sorry we took so long." Elliott said in a huff of breath.
"Yeah. She put up quite a fight." Graham added.
Grant smiled and looked at twilight and asked her to come to him quickly, she hung her head but did as asked. "Twilight.. I don't think I have much time.. But.. I have to tell you something... I..." and right when he was about to finish the cheesy joke man came in through the door (he is made of cheese.. Get it? Its a joke within a joke, jokeception if you will, anyways...) and yells "Hey guys! How does a lion take his steak?! Medium ROAR!" he barely had time to finish his awful joke before twilight sent him shooting out the window.
I looked at Jacob before yelling "What the fuck dude? I told you we werent doing the cheesy joke man!" he looked back and said, "What are you looking at me for? I didnt write this chapter!"
I nodded and proceded to look at Grant and he smiled and shruged barely and mumbled "Thought it could shut him up about the damn thing".
then Twilight looked back at Grant and saying frantically "you what Grant.. You what??" he closed his eyes and whispered "I think I love you"... Then he goes limp... The room went silent before Michael yelled "FAAAAGG" before being sent out the window also by Twilight's rage magic, but he was safe. He landed on the cheesy joke man. Unfortunately right on his cheese balls, and broke his cheese stick.
Right then Graham fell on his knees and just stared at the ground and said "This is my fault... I sent him to that crazy bitch's house just to get him to help me with my own problem..."
Then twilight looked at graham furiously and stated angrily "crazy bitch?! Problem?! Really graham if I didn't used to like you I would shoot you out the damn window with your friend and the cheese guy."
"CHEESY JOKE MAN!" Jacob corrected her firmly.
Her horn glowed angrily which made him cower down and say " oh yeah.. Cheese guy works too...dumb bitch"
After all that god damn anger from twilight I was almost afraid to ask but I managed to gather some courage and ask, "Wait Twilight, did you say you USED to like Graham?" she held her head up proudly and nodded, "I'd rather have a man that can talk to me about his "Problems!" instead of sending a replacement.
Plus pardon my Prench the jackass called me a crazy bitch. So I like somepony else now..."then she turned back to the bed, now remembering where she was and why grant was in this condition.
She then say down next to grant and held his hoof, now starting to cry, and she whispered in a low voice "I love you too..."
Then again the room went silent other than twilight and Cory balling their eyes out, before Jacob tapped Cory on his shoulder and whispered "Man up Cory, only pussies cry, be a true man like me" then he held his head high before taking a hoof to the jaw from Cory who then continued to cry with twilight.
Elliott said "Damn I need a drink."
I then go and poke Jacob lightly, then kick him in the side softly. "Yeah he's out cold... Well guys let's go... We need to think of ways to get him back to ponyville were going to need the super strength Russian vodka for this one .. I have a promise to keep.
Now for some penguin facts :3
There are 18 species of penguin in the world. While some species are widespread and thriving, 13 of them have declining populations, and five of them are considered endangered and facing possible extinction if strong protection and conservation measures are not taken.
While most people associate penguins with Antarctica, they are much more widespread and penguin populations can also be found in South America, South Africa, Australia and New Zealand, as well as many small islands in the southern Pacific Ocean.
While swimming, penguins will leap in shallow arcs above the surface of the water, a practice called porpoising. This coats their plumage with tiny bubbles that reduce friction, allowing them to swim as fast as 20 miles per hour (32 kph). It may also help them evade predators and allows them to breathe more regularly, and some scientists theorize that they may make these leaps out of sheer joy.
Penguins lost the ability to fly millions of years ago, but their powerful flippers and streamlined bodies make them very accomplished swimmers. They are the fastest swimming and deepest diving species of any birds.
The light front and dark back coloration of classic penguin plumage is called countershading and it provides superb camouflage from above and below to protect penguins in the water.
The Wild Plot Uses Foreshadow
Chapter 43 The Wild Plot Uses Foreshadow
I've been getting pretty good feedback about the last chapter and Im glad you like my writing, please leave comments on how you feel about it
Hey guys I hope you like what Grant has been writing because I know I have! The only thing that peeves me about his writing is he doesn't cap so names! It drives me to the drink (Which in this case is diet ginger ale) chapter might be up a little later than usual today, because of a swim meet. Enjoy!
-Van
POV Grant
I woke up in my bed in my room. I had my fancy looking four poster bed and my slytherin banister and my newtons cradle. I heard the birds sweet gentle chirping outside the window over my head only to be overpowered by my yorkie's loud, annoying barking.
I sit up and yawn, still in pain from being thrown through the walls but oddly... It felt like it was all a dream. The memory of it all still in my rad firmly, but the idea grows more and more ridiculous. "Being sent into Ponyville? That's impossible, no way it could have really been true.
" I thought laughingly as I get up and get dressed. For some reason I was buck naked. I them walk downstairs to see my dad cooking breakfast, and he says, "Morning Grant, you want some bacon and eggs?" like I was never even gone.
I reply happily but confused, "Sure dad can I have 30 pieces of bacon please?" He just stared at me, but when he realized I was serious he replied.
"Son you can't eat that much without gaining weight.. Or maybe even diabetes." I smile and laugh then say "it's ok dad ponies can't...." Then I catch myself before I get any further.
When he gives me weird looks I try to change the subject and say "Where is everypony anyw..." once again more weird looks.
I then say " I'll pass on breakfast dad... I need to talk to the guys." He still gave me strange looks but nodded and said, "Ok bud... But be sure to eat sometime.
" I pretty much shrugged off what he said and went of to calling my friends. First Van, " ...... RING RING RING hello, you have reached the automated voice mailbox of" FUCK, well that doesn't mean anything.
Jacob next, "ring ring ring ring ring hello you have reached the automated" FUCKING HELL, maybe.. It is.. No. I have to keep checking.
Now Cory. RING RING RING FUCKING RING hello you have" GOD DAMN IT! Ok how about the other three, (I have shortened these three but the main point is they weren't there either)
Elliott: OH MY FUCKING GOSH
Graham: Ok maybe those fucking are pranking me
Michael: HOLY FLYING SHIT IT REALLY HAPPENED!!!!
"Damn it I should have known their phone number would have changed when going to Equestria! Fuck!" I yell. I continue to sit up in my room. I say out loud "I wonder how the others are.....
POV Van
"Ok everypony, we got our vodka, just please don't get too fucked up, we have to think of a way to get grant back." I said firmly.
"We don't even know if he's alive man, like what if you die a pony.. You die for like real time?" Elliott, who clearly has had to much vodka, added. "Yeah, really. What if he isn't even around to bring back?
Elliott may be completely destroyed right now but he has a good point." Jacob added sadly.
"Does anybody know if humans survive Pony death?" Cory asked.
Then it hit me. "Twilight, I want you to rush and get Luna from Canterlot. I have a feeling she will want to be at the funeral and we need her assistance." she nodded quickly and said guiltily,
" Anything to get grant back so I can tell him how I feel." Then she zipped off in a little zap or magic or whatever. "Now back to business, any suggestions?" I asked.
"How about a revive? Do they have those in Ponyville?" Jacob asked once again after playing too many video games.
Since none of us knew the answer I just told him to ask Luna when they pop in. "Any other ideas?" I asked hopefully. "How about we just pour vodka down his throat until he wakes up from the buzz?" Cory asked in high hopes.
"We want to wake him not drown him dumb ass" Elliott snapped.
"Cant drown somepony who is already dead shit stick" Cory snapped back.
"Hey Fuck you cock nut!" Elliott retorted.
Then they started fighting and one of those cartoon dust balls formed around them as they brawled. With the occasional hoof or head being pushed out then pulled back in until I stuck my hoofs down and pulled them
"Guys we need to figure out a way to get Grant back and that won't happen with you two fighting ok? And I'm not on Elliott's side or anything but biting? Seriously?" i said with a (are you fucking kidding me) look on my face.
"Hey I play to win bitch." Cory said confidently. "Who's the one with a black eye mr winner?" Elliot said with a smirk.
But before Cory had time to say a whitey comeback Twilight came back with Luna and yelled at both Cory and Elliott, her horn glowing angrily "you two need to stop fighting and help us find my Grant or so help me god I will magically hold you down, get a spoon, and cut your dicks off and shove them so far up your ass you will..." but then Luna gave her a slight look asking her to calm down.
I mutter "Jeez Grant if this is the chick you like then you fucked yourself over worse than being on every Jackass stunt combined"
Twilight stepped back, looked down and said quietly "I apologize for my behavior, I just want to find a way to bring grant back to Ponyville. I want to see him and tell him how sorry I am..."
"No problem..."they both said shakily. I'm pretty sure they both wet themselves. They will not live this down.
"So Grant is really gone..?" Luna asked sadly, her ears drooping slightly.
We all nodded and I said "Yes, and we need your expertise to help us find a way to bring him back.
So Jacob had an idea and he wanted to know if they had revives in this world." I asked my marefriend nicely since I hadn't seen her in a while. "Revive...? What is that? Some sort of potion to revive the dead?" she asked, somewhat confused. "Yeah pretty mu..." I started before Jacob interrupted me and said, " Not exactly, It is a diamond shaped item that revives a Pokemon (or in this case grant) with half his HP." "Ha.
How preposterous, a simple item that isn't even a potion bringing somepony back to life without magic or anything." Luna laughed slightly.
"Dont make fun of his video games Luna... You haven't seen what he did to the guards at the hospital.." I warned quietly.
Jacob held his head high and yelled "I am the Dragonborn! To High Hrothgar!". After about a minute of awkward silence Luna said "Fine, just hear me out. I know who we need to talk to to get Grant back. We need to find Zecora.
To be continued
Now some facts about dreams
Within 5 minutes of waking you forget half of your dream. Within 10 minutes you forget 90%!
People who became blind after birth can see images in their dreams. People who are born blind do not see any images, but have dreams equally vivid involving their other senses of sound, smell, touch and emotion.
Our mind is not inventing faces – in our dreams we see real faces of real people that we have seen during our life but may not know or remember. We have all seen hundreds of thousands of faces throughout our lives, so we have an endless supply of characters for our brain to utilize during our dreams.
If you dream about some particular subject it is not often that the dream is about that. Dreams speak in a deeply symbolic language. Whatever symbol your dream picks on it is most unlikely to be a symbol for itself.
Men tend to dream more about other men. Around 70% of the characters in a man’s dream are other men. On the other hand, a woman’s dream contains almost an equal number of men and women. Aside from that, men generally have more aggressive emotions in their dreams than the female lot.
The Journey
Chapter 46 The Journey
I patiently wait in the living room as I habitually check down at my phone. Everypony was accounted for even Cory who I had to bribe out of bed with the prospect of an angel or free pop tart.
Michael asks "Van what are we waiting for?"
I reply "Our guide."
They all turn into me confused and asked "Guide."
I said "Allow me to explain. I figured that nopony here doesn't have a fucking clue about how we're going to get to our destination. So I hired a Sherpa to lead the way so we don't get lost."
They all look at me and say (In unison for some reason) "Oh ok, that makes since."
Just then we hear a knock on the door. I open it to reveal a crimson red pony with a compass adorning his flank. He says "Ello mate! My names Compass Rose, and I'll be your guide today!"
Elliott walks up behind me and says "So it's one of those guides huh?"
I retort "Shut up. She'll get us where we need to go."
She asks "Alright folks you ready to go?"
We all nod and hop in the small caravan to begin the first leg of our trip.
6 Hours Later.....
Rock! Paper! Scissors! Shoot!
I look back to see that my retarded friends are trying to plan rock, paper, scissors. With hooves. Mother fucking hooves.
I turn back and say "You do know that this one of the most retarded ideas ever of all time?
Jacob says "Shut up man! I got money bet on this next hand! I'm mean hoof."
I ask your really betting bits on this too? I'm pretty sure if I made friends with a sack of potatoes they would be smarter."
I hear Michael from the corner yell "Hey! He has a name you know." as he lovingly stroked as bag of potatoes that seeming appeared out of nowhere.
I face hoof and grumble "This is going to be the longest four hours of my life."
Cory asked "We'll do you have any better ideas cockbite?"
I put my hoof to my chin and say "How about eat something? I haven't eaten since breakfast and I sure as hell know Elliott's starving!"
We all look over at Elliott whose stomach seemed to rumble on cue. I say "Yeah let's eat. So what did you buys pack."
All them say "Pizza." Aside from Cory who said "I packed a rock."
"Sigh"
Four Hours Later:
My friends and I after being in that caravan for so long finally hop out to find ourselves at the base of a very very large looking mountain.
I turn over to my friends and say "Guys that's a long way up."
Jacob says "Yeah there's bound to be a ton of rocks for you to eat."
Cory said "Shut up none of you would share."
Michael said "But the fact the you even tried."
Cory retorted "Yeah? Well it's better than than the lunch ladies food. That shit is fucking disgusting."
I say "Zip it guys Cory did just try to eat a rock, but we gotta focus on getting up there and we can't take the caravan so were going on foot."
"Fuck" we all said in unison as we gathered our crap and began our long walk up.
After walking in silence for what felt like an eternity we decided to stop and camp for the night. I asked "Hey Jacob can you size up this mountain?"
He said "Sure on it chief." As he proceeded to fly over the side to where I hear a loud "FUCK SHIT DAMN HELL." Come off the side.
Cory popped out of his tent and asked "So I guess we're pretty far down?"
He said "Yeah we're like a 1/4 of the way up."
I said "That's actually pretty good considering the fact we didn't start climbing until like noon."
Elliott said "Well in any case we better eat and rest up so we can get moving early tomorrow."
We all agreed and went to our tent for the night.
Le Next Morning
We all woke up especially early the next morning and began our trip up. During the time trekking up the mountain everyone walked in silence thinking about what their angels would be like or what they would wish for. By the late afternoon we had reached the summit. We all look in awe at the peak about us which seemed to have a golden shine to it and a stone brick path that lead up to the very top that had a very large tree on it with roots the size of 3 ponies.
Cory yells "Fuck yeah stairs! Finally!" as he quickly proceeds to run up the stairs as quickly as possible.
A few minutes later we find him lying down at on some of the stairs. He turns to us and says "Fuck stairs!" with half his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
Elliott says "I think its time to take a break don't you think?"
Michael says "No! I can see it! I can see the light!"
We all avert our gaze upward and only what looks like a few flights of stairs later we see a summit so we all quickly rush up to the top. Even Cory who looked half dead from sprinting up the stairs like an idiot.
We quickly reach the summit and gaze upon it's majesty. It's tree extending far above what we thought was ever possible for any living thing. Jacob says " I thought it looked big from further down, but this is just plain ridiculous."
We all agree and head toward the massive trunk of the tree. As soon as we arrive we hear a chorus voices. It says " Greetings and Welcome'
One Said in a deep majestic voice. " I am King Solaris. Ruler of the Cosmos."
Another said in a ceremonious voice said " And I am Queen Atlas. Ruler of time. Welcome to Yggdrasil"
Chapter 1 The Start Of Something
Guys a special thanks to Uranium Spoon for taking on the massive challenge of editing this bitch. He is a HUGE help, and he makes this story more pleasurable to read. Now get reading up up and AWAY!
-Van
It was an average Saturday night with my five best friends. Though all of us had met before, this was the first time we had all been in the same room together in over two years. The first hours of our night had gone well due to a full supply of Mountain Dew. Code Red, White Out, Regular, Voltage and Live Wire, all 72 strong; plenty to last us our long night. At ten we decided to order pizza, due to the fact that our reserves of snacks were running low. In a short half hour a car showed up in front of the house and we all rushed to the door to get our delicious pizza. What we saw next we would never have expected.
It was a delivery woman. Cory was the first to speak up and he simply said "Hey baby.”
This wasn't unexpected of him. Cory is moderate sized blond who does gymnastics and cheerleading. Therefore he a beast and all other arguments are invalid. Jacob then gave him a hard pimp slap to the back of the head. Jacob is a moderate sized brunette with a bit of an attitude, also he was the first of us to hold a girlfriend over a year. I still owe him money for that dammit.
Grant then decided to make his move, saying “Never meet these idiots on my life.” Pretty typical of him. He tends to do that a lot when we’re around now that I think about it. He is a moderate sized blonde/brunette who instead of playing sports will write music, friggin music. *Sigh*
One of my oldest friends, Graham, who likes to make homemade music for a band named Pelvic Overdrive, agreed with with Grant, and went to spit Cory and Jacob up. Mainly because if you left them alone long enough they would tear out each others throats once they got mad enough.
That left me and Elliott to pay for the pizza. Elliott was kinda the glue between all of us, keeping everyone in check and making sure I didn't do anything way too stupid. He was tallish, and had shaggy brown hair. Even though the poor woman had just witnessed all that had happened in the past minute and a half, she just gave me the blankest look and said "Can I see you outside?"
I just shrugged my shoulders and just said "Sure," and proceeded to walk out the door, happy to leave all that chaos behind me.
Quickly exiting the house, I was about to ask if she wanted the money, but she was gone, along with the pizza, and just as I turn to re-enter the house I see an alicorn about five feet tall staring up at me. Holy fucking horseapples, I was staring down at Princess Celestia herself. I just stood there, then pinched myself, then slapped myself, and finally poked her on the head.
She was really fluffy and soft, I kept poking her until she said "Do you mind?"
I quickly snapped myself out of it, and apologized immediately. She just sighed and asked “are you Brony number 19,472,848 or Van?” Dumbfounded I quietly shook my head up and down for a good five, maybe six, seconds until she said "Good now go get you friends and tell them to bring a duffel bag and three things, only three things."
"Why three?." I ventured to asked. Her justified answer was the response I used for every why question.
"Cause I said so." she instantly replied.
"Smart lady." I retorted as we walked inside the house.
After walking inside and seeing everyone had left, we walked up the stairs and into the den to see that everyone was sitting on their couches like nothing had even happened aside from that fact Cory had a bloody nose. Still that didn't top the time Cory hit Jacob with a firework. Good times. Upon entering the room Elliott asked "Bro you got the pizza?"
I replied with a "Nope," and continued to say "I got something better! An alicorn!" I was instantly meet with a chorus of uncontrollable laughter.
I turned to Celestia who was now barly controlling her rage and quickly said "Guys turn around serously".
They all started luaghing again. I quickly sighed and yelled "Boobs!!" they all instantly turn around to see no boobs, but a very angry Princess Celestia.
She quickly said through gritted teeth "Grab three things and three things only.NOW".
Cory being a complete block head, was stupid enough to ask the same question I did. She instantly got madder, and then she yelled in the royal Canterlot Voice. "BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T I'LL SEND YOU TO THE MOON!! NOW MOVE!!!!!".
We all gathered our things. Everyone grabbed their iPhones, a can of a different flavor Mountian Dew, and I grabbed the Xbox while everyone else grabbed controllers, and Elliott somehow took the flat screen off the wall. Thankfully Jacob had been smart, He grabbed the generator from the basement and batteries in lieu of Mountain Dew.
During our little pack up Celestia had seemed to calm down a little during, and in a happy voice said" Come my little ponies we are going to Equestria!".
After a wave of pain and some flashing dupstep lights, I awoke inside of a of a bed chamber. Judging by fanfiction i had read, and the episode “Sweet and Elite” I was in a royal bed chamber in Canterlot Castle. "Sweet.” I thought to myself as I tried to hop out of bed.
Unfortunately enough Trollestia turned me into a goddamn pony while I was knocked out (Isn't that illegal?). I just stumbled around like an idiot, and fell face first onto that cold, unforgiving marble floor. Soon after recovering from that morning shock I found a full body mirror In the bathroom. I was a unicorn (Fuck Yeah!). My fur was a ghostly white, and my mane was a variety of blue hues.
As soon as I left, I realized that I forgot something. I forgot to check my cutie mark, my life's calling, my special talent, my identity. I quickly rushed back into the bathroom and saw it was a wave, a light blue wave. “Go figure” I thought, “I love the beach.” I sat back on the bed thinking of all the good times I've had at the beach, then the idea occurred to me that I should go find my friends. I decided to take my duffel bag with me, and looking back to get it I saw it and nothing was in it.
I yelled "NOOOO!! My xbox!" just then Celestia busted down the door (like a baws I should say) and said "I heard screaming is there something wrong?."
Through my forming manly tears I mumbled "You took my xbox, it was my child."
She then sighed and said "Is that it? Just think about it, and pull it out of the bag."
Knowing not to doubt her, I pulled out an xbox, then another, and another. She then said "Now think mountain dew." I thought it, and out pops a mountain dew.
After she said "Remember, only what you brought with you, or what Luna or I enchant into that bag will be there."
Then and there I hugged our new ruler and said "I will shoot an arrow in the next person’s knee who calls you a troll. Have a good day," and dashed off to find my friends.
I'm The Juggernaut Bitch!
Chapter 2 I'm The Juggernaut Bitch!
After my, what you could call more than amusing, chat with the ruler of Equestria my stomach and I decided that it was high time that I got some grub. Apparently Canterlot castle didn't agree. My close-to-dying stomach and I spent a fucking hour and a half wandering the castle grounds trying to find the banquet hall where Celestia told me all the delicious goodies for breakfast would be served.
Eventually I wandered my way to the beautiful garden, and saw the door where Fluttershy busted in and yelled "You’re going to LOVE me!!!" I decided this is the door, and plotted an idea to make the best entrance ever. I got what I wanted.
I busted open the door ready to preform, but I tripped on my own hooves, and in the process accidentally knocked over Cory's plate, that had food stacked to the ceiling. Hell, it had so much food on it that it would have made Pinkie Pie jealous. With my awesome luck his muffins, all three of them, landed in my mouth. For what I believe was about thirty seconds, I rolled on the floor, choking on the muffins, while Cory yelled at me for how I ate some, and ruined the other part of his perfectly good plate of food. Soon enough though, I was back on my feet (Hoofs Dammit!) due to Jacob walking in and seeing that my face was a very deep shade of purple, then using heimlich maneuver, which lauched the muffins to high hell, other wise known as Grant's face, which he wasn’t very happy about.
Eventually everything settled down and was back to normal, or as normal as it could get. We were all siting at the breakfast table, then I noticed that everyone else’s appearance changed as well. Grant was a earth pony with brown fur, a blond mane, and a tenor sax as a cutie mark. Jacob was a pegasus with dark blue fur, a light blue mane, and a soccer ball as a cutie mark. Cory was a earth pony as well, with red fur, a black mane and an AC-130 (a military gunship) as his cutie mark. Elliott was a unicorn like me, with black fur, a dark purple mane, and a riot shield as his cutie mark. And finally there was Graham, who had dark green fur, a black mane and a four leaf clover as his cutie mark.
And with my awesome timing, Celestia decides to walk in and steal Elliott's muffin, and he says "Give me my mother fucking muffin you god damn troll." Then, with the slightest smirk on her face, she turns to me and throws me a bow and arrow. I beg with the biggest puppy dog eyes "Do I have to?" her reply was a faint nod, and I said "You used to make of of Celestia, then you to an arrow to the knee!" then proceeded to shot my best friend in the knee cap. He screamed and passed out, then and there, right on the table.
Everyone, I mean everypony, just stared at me with the biggest “what the fuck” look on their face, and I, being myself, look back at them with the biggest pokerface ever and turn to Celestia and say "We’re even now can you fix him?" Again, she replied with a short nod and magicked him back up to normal. I was then screamed at for a good minute, while everyone put on a pokerface of their own. Soon, when Celestia felt I had enough, she said "Pack your things we’re moving in an hour to Ponyville. You will be living in a three story house with 6 bedrooms and 7 baths, one kitchen and a pimped basement with a huge armory in it. Any questions?". I said "I got question, will we meet Twilight and her friends?".
She replied "Yes, you will actually be staying with them your first night there. Van, you’re with Applejack, a hard working, honest mare. Grant, you’re with Twilight, she's a bookworm. Jacob, you’re with Fluttershy, she's really shy. Elliott you’re with Rainbow, she’s cocky and athletic, Cory you’re with Pinkie the party animal. Graham you’re with Rarity, Ponyville's number one designer. Now get ready to leave.". We all replied "Yes ma'am” and rushed to get our stuff.
Everyone but me, I tiptoed off back into the palace after I gathered my few things, because being the super Brony I am, I wanted to meet Princess Luna before I left. Quickly, after packing my few possessions and a map from the lobby, I ventured off to find princess Luna. A short time later I found my goal the library. I entered and wandered around until I saw her sleeping on a table in those adorkable librarian glasses. I decided that nap time for Luna was over. I poked her then quietly whispered "Princess Luna?” *poke* “Luna?” *poke* “Lulu?” *poke* “This isn't working is it” *sigh* “Celestia kidnapped Abby!".
That seemed to do the trick almost too well, but it ended up have her slam a book in my face, while desperately looking for Abby, which was right beside her. She saw it was there then looked up at me to see my muzzle was bleeding. She quickly tried to stammer an apology, but I wouldn’t take it and insisted it was my fault, and I just wanted to talk to her for a while.
We hit all topics, Astronomy, Celestia's trolling, philosophy, education, Celestia's Fear of sock puppets and the nightmare. She said It was like being in limbo, having no rhyme or reason, or a really bad writers block.
Then we began to talk about humanity, more modern topics to be specific, like war, ranging from Assassins Creed, to Modern Warfare, to futuristic times like Halo. Then an idea came to her, she told me to show her a picture of the Assassins armor, so I showed her a picture from Revelations from my phone, which apparently only has the numbers of my five friends, infinite battery, and infinite wifi. She said "wait a sec." Then, next thing I knew, I was enveloped in a dark blue light, then I was in an assassins cloak, and I had the sword, the armor, the double blades, the hood, and everything! I felt pretty fucking invincible.
She said to show her the other suits and weapons, which I did she magicked the bag and told me all weapons and suits should be in there, then I quickly hugged her and she said "I think you should get going". With that and my juggernaut suit, I dashed as fast as I could in that Goddamn suit to the waiting chariot were my friends were waiting. They all just stared at me blandly for the second time today.
Until Graham broke the silence and said "Dude your the Mother Fucking Juggernaut." I replied "Hell yeah I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch, now let's go to Ponyville! Away!"
Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures
Chapter 17 Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures.
I said to Elliott " What's the problem?". He said "We only have about 8,000 bits left".
I said "I'll get more from Lu. Shit". Michael began to panic and said "What are we going to do!?!". I said " Were going to hold a meeting to get our shit solved alright?".
They both replied "Alright". I replied "Good, now go get the others and get some pizza this is going to be a long meeting".
Soon we were all settled in to our living room furniture each with about six slices of pizza and a mountain dew we began our meeting.
I asked "Guys we are low on money and we need to produce something fast to make money. Any ideas?". Cory said "Make a new sport!". I said "Well then we need to pay for teams and equipment that rounds to 9620 bits not happening".
Jacob then said " Sell Mountain Dew". I said "Nah to precious".
Then Elliott said "How about we rip off a movie back from Earth?".
I yelled "That's perfect! But what movie? You know what everyone cast your votes". I grabbed seven pens from the kitchen and gave everpony one and said "Cast your reasonable votes. Now".
Soon the votes were in a I read them aloud.
Michael: Independence Day. Nope to expensive.
Grant: Zombie Land. Once again to expensive.
Elliott: The Hangover. Nice that's a maybe.
Graham: Paranormal Activity: Nice. Possibly
Cory: Twilight. Da fuck?
I asked "Cory? Why did you vote Twilight?". He replied "Well the mare to stallion population here is 3-1, Twilight was one of the most popular chick flicks ever, it would be relatively cheap to make and there are three of the which equals more profit". Everyone looked at him dumbfounded because of the sheer fact that he came up with a plausible reason and on top of that a pretty damn good one too.
I said "Well guys let's get a cast together were remaking Twilight, but only for the monies". We Brohoofed and yelled "For the Monies!".
The next day we Began auditions for the roles of the part. We needed background characters, main characters, and minor characters. Apparently as I have said before word gets out quickly around here so already people we lining up at the auditions booth that we quickly we set up in our garage.
First we had Snips and Snails come in. Background. Then Lyra. Minor. Then Mayor Mare. Background. It went on like this for the rest of the day, and when we were finally finished we had Big Macintosh as Edward and Rarity as Bella. We could already tell that this was going to be a living hell.
Production started at the crack off noon the next day. This would drive us into bankruptcy after paying everpony's salary, because this was so expensive that we even shut off most of our hot water because so it's now either ice cold or devil piss hot. We finally got the first scene together and I yelled "Action!". We stopped three seconds later. Movie making sucks.
Four weeks have passed since starting production. We are barely holding on and the actors are demanding more pay for how long this is taking, but finally all the editing and acting is done. It's time to premier this bitch!
We were back in Canterlot again for the premier. We'd been sent tickets by Equestria films as a token of good luck or to show that we fucked up in the biggest city in Equestria. We arrived At the theater. Apparently this thing got around really fast and now everpony from the poorest of townspeople to Princess Celestia await are appearance, but Luna isn't present with her.
Soon after our arrival ponies begin to file into the main auditorium for refreshments and snacks, but right now my stomach isn't in the mood for me to go stuff my face. So I decided to do the same thing I did when I needed to breath after Applejack and I's breakup. I took a walk. A long walk under the stars as the chilly breeze flew though my mane. It felt nice and it felt like someone was trotting beside me.
"Van. Do you mind if I could have an audience with you?".
She said in her low and quiet voice. Sure I said to the mystery mare who was at my side. She said " I've moved beyond you. I've found someone new who makes me happy".
I felt the waterworks beginning to flow but I held them back. She said "I'm with Cory".
Just then I flew back to reality realizing that I had run straight into a pole and a group of fillies were laughing at my misfortune across the street. "Shew". I thought.
It was only a day dream until Luna actually appeared in front of me and this time I rubbed my eyes to make sure that a wasn't dreaming again she said "Van we need to talk. NOW". Reluctant to actually try to do anything I shrugged my shoulders and walked beside her.
She said "I know how drunk you were". I looked down at my hooves in shame. She continued "And that mare you slept with. Octavia came to the castle and requested an audience with me". Now I was interested. And in her softest voice she said " She said it wasn't your fault.
She was the one who seduced you while you were to intoxicated to fight back. So I'm sorry I knocked you out and yelled at you. Can things just go back to normal?". She stared at me with those big tearing up puppy dog eyes that I couldn't resist. And I said " I wouldn't love anything better now let's go get icecream".
We began to walk to our favorite parlor when we see my friends being chased by a group of screaming mares.
I yell "What's going on?". Cory yells "We made it to good! So many fucking mares help!". Luna and I just shrug our shoulders and continue toward our parlor.
Guys I will shit a brick if we can reach 10,000 views by Saturday.
-Van
Chapter 41 Jacob+Thu'um=Lolwut?
Hey guys it's me! Yeah it's been awhile I know hate me all you want, but I'm taking a serious hit from this years pony drought. So as of this chapter on until ummm I dunno September Grant will be a writer who will send his chapters to me for proof reading and posting. I've just been so uninspired and busy with getting a learners permit and swim team that everything is jumbling up on me so quickly that I can't keep up. Well rest assured that the content will still be fine and dandy and that if Grant's work isn't full of dumb references then I will make them! Have a great Summer guys and gals.
-Van
"So wait what happened?" I almost scream at the guilty purple pony at my door.
She said "Well I lost my cool and blasted him through about seven walls with raw magic, but don't worry I sent a letter for Celestia for help."
I yell "Twilight! What is fucking Celestia going to do? Where is he?"
She replies with tears in her eyes "Ponyville hospital."
I yell "Guys get your asses in gear and follow me! Grants hurt and in the hospital."
Everpony runs down the stairs as quickly as possible. Jacob runs down the stairs fastest and asks "Dude how the hell did that happen?"
I say "I'll explain later. We need to go! Now!"
Twilight says "I can teleport all of us to the hospital!"
Cory yells "Then let's get a fucking move on!"
She glares at him for a second and says "Alright everypony hold still."
She concentrates and then we arrive in The Ponyville Medical Hospital. Apparently we startled some nurses Graham says "We need to see our friend! He should have been admitted a little while ago."
A nurse says "Room 666 on the sixth floor on the right."
Michael says "Well now we're fucking screwed aren't we? Just by stroke of luck Grant ends up in the motherfucking devils room."
"Well now were officially fucked!" Cory blatantly stated.
"Well we need to move now! Twilight you stay here. I think you have caused enough trouble." I yelled as we dashed to the elevator.
When we arrived at the entrance of the room there we two really muscular looking ponies with shirts the read "Security" in big white print. They said "Nopony except doctors and other medical staff is allowed within the premise. Please leave."
I yell "My ass were leaving our friend is in there!"
He responds by looking at me straight in the eye and says "Look punk if you want a fight the take it out back with Rik over there."
I turn around and we from a circle like before a play in football. Cory begins our quick huddle by saying one to the funniest thing I have ever heard leave his mouth. He said "Who the fuck names there pony child or whatever the hell is Rik? Seriously I hear Twilight Sparkle and even fucking Rainbow dash, but Rik seriously?"
I say "Nows not the time for that. We need to find a way to get into that room to see our friend, because if it were me then I'd probably be dead if I were flung through seven walls too."
Elliott says "Well does anypony have any ideas?"
Jacob speaks up. He says "I got one. Me being the most expierenced Skyrim player here I'm pretty sure I can blow them over?"
I look over to see that Cory and Michael are rolling on the floor laughing their asses off at what they just heard. Michael says "Hahaha yeah and I'm married to Nikki Benz."
Jacob yells "I'll show you! I'll show you all!" he turns back to the two security guards, gathers as much air in his lungs as he can and with all his might shouts "Fus Ro Dah!" and the two ponies that we previously standing at the door were blown back through the door and the wall of the room.
We all turn to Jacob with wide eyes and shocked expressions. Graham says "Hold on a sec" he pulls out his
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-_g8NZr1tA
After that had finished up with all of us going "Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! RAH!" at the end we look in the middle of the room there was a bed with so much hospital machinery to he looked like Dr.Octopus. We all walk up to him and stare at him a minute. Just then a Doctor in a white lab coat walks up be hind us and says "I'm sorry he's currently unconscious and in his current state he only has about an hour to live at the most. Also about the door and wall you paying for that."
Elliott sings "Like a good neighbor Statefarm is there."
"IOU one retardedly happy insurance agent. Signed God"
Cory says "Well damn I thought that would work seeing as Jacob just Fus Ro Dahed his way through a wall."
Jacob says "Wait does that make me dragonborn?"
I say "No, but if anyone pisses you off you can shout them somewhere else."
He says "Meh close enough."
I say "Back to Grant do you think he will wake up?"
Graham says "Doubt it his injuries seem to severe."
Cory steps in and says "Yeah but they always do in the movies."
We look over to see that Grant's eyes have opened he says in a quiet raspy voice. "Hey guys."
To Be Continued......
Here some facts on Skyrim Dragons
Defeating dragons will be the key to unlocking many of the Dragon Shouts.
Dragons you must battle can be grounded by heavily damaging their wings, preventing them from taking flight; expect a big landing if you drop them out of the sky, however!
Skyrim's dragons are said to be reminiscent of dinosaurs as envisioned in the Jurassic Park motion pictures
You cannot fly dragons except in main quest once.
Some dragons are scripted in to the story and others can be randomly found.
You cannot wipe out the all the dragons forever.
The Return
Chapter 44 The Return
POV Grant
"Ok, I need to figure out a way to get back to my friends." I thought worriedly. " I may feel completely homosexual but I really miss Ponyville, and my friends, and the main six... Espeacially Twilight.. (Even if the bitch shoved me through 7 walls and killed me, maybe I can get some guilt sex.)
Anyways, what was Van's friend's name that went to ponyville too.. Verty... Vernon... Vial... Shit I'll remember later. I'll just look at van's followers on fimfiction. OH YEAH VESPI! And here in his story it says in the woods there is a secret scientist lab under some leaves that sends you to the world of ponies. Wait... What woods?? Where do I go to get to these woods?? Uhg... Well I Guess I'll start by buying a bus ticket to New Jersey. Ill take my acoustic guitar just in case I get bored. Regardless This will be a serious pain in the ass.
POV Van
"Am i the only one who thinks the Everfree forest is suuuuuper creepy? " Pinkie said scared but still pepily.
"Uhg Luna, why did we have to bring Pinkie Pie with us?" Cory complained
. " She is the only one who knows the whereabouts of Zecora's hut since she was there recently with the other five." Luna responded calmly.
"Why couldn't we get one of the other five though?I mean twilight goes to Zecora's to get her tea, why couldn't she lead us there? " Graham added, obviously annoyed.
"Because she is back at the library trying to find a way to bring grant back if Zecora can't. You can tell that pony is really dedicated to get Grant back." Luna explained.
"What about Applejack or rainbow dash?At least they could get us there faster and keep a good pace, not stopping to laugh at everything." Cory said in his non existent inside voice.
" Applejack is Busy bucking Zap Apples and Fluttershy is on weather duty today. " Luna explained again, now getting slightly annoyed.
"Rarity or Fluttershy?" Elliott said, getting desperate.
You could see the vein bulging out of Luna's forehead when she politely explained, " Those two wouldn't step foot anywhere near this forest. The fact they were in before still amazes me. Now since you are out of ponies in the six I suggest you stop complaining and let Pinkie Pie guide us."
"Aw c'mon guys this will be super crazy mega fun! Don't worry! I'll get us there faster than you can sing a song about walking in the woods. Hey that reminds me of a song I know! And this is how it goes! Ooohh....." Pinkie Pie babbled on before being cut off by Jacob saying
"Is that Zecora's shack over there?" We all proceed to gallop quickly over to the witch zebra's shack. I was the first to say something to Zecora about Grant.
"Zecora we have a question for you involving magic or potions." I said firmly.
"of course child, what do you wanna know? I will try to let the answer show." she said back cheerfully.
"We want to know if you can bring back a dead pony.. Or in our case a human pony." I said somewhat confusing myself.
"her cheer vanished and she dashed to look through her books, while rushing through them she asked hurriedly "so, one of your friends is gone? Whatever had gone so wrong ?"
"Twilight magicked his ass through seven walls" Jacob said with a slight laugh. This seemed to stop her for a moment but she continued to search for a spell before yelling "HERE IT IS!" and started to scramble around getting ingredients.
"Um... Here what is Zecora?" I asked somewhat confused. "it's a stone with many points jutting out, and it is powerful no doubt. It makes any dead pony very alive . You may know it as a "Max Revive".
"Yes yes of course." Zecora said proudly " it can not be bought in stores, and barely in nature any more. So getting one is hard alone. But I found out how to make one in my home" For some reason this shocked the others, especially Jacob and Pinkie Pie.
" But there are some side effects of making it at here.. Some of which might cause some fear." Zecora added in a lower voice.
That part got my attention too and I asked "what kind of side effects are we talking about here?" "Well ... If all goes well he will still be changed . Even his cutie mark will be rearranged.. He will look more evil and dark but his personality will be the same as when start" She said some what optimistically.
"But if anything goes wrong... He will be evil his whole pony life long ."
"Not much of a change if you ask me." Cory laughed slightly before I punched his arm.
At that moment Twilight popped in and yelled "I FOUND A WAY TO GET GRANT BACK! IT'S A MA.." "max revive we know." the rest of us said in unison.
" Oh... So I guess Zecora has explained its dark to remake it and all the side effects..." she said more quietly.
"Yes Twilight, now we just need to know if they still want to proceed.I say Van decides since he's in lead." Zecora said, making me feel like I'm the one deciding to pull the plug or not.
"Well... I say we go ahead and do it. We all want grant back, and I have faith in Zecora to get the max revive right.
" I said, finally making the decision. "All right, well I need some supplies. First I nee.." Then Twilight interrupted her and said " 1 death stone, 1 Ursa fang,
Before Zecora asked quietly "Where did you find all those supplies..? They aren't so easy to find..
" Twilight just smiled and said "I personally picked them up on my way here. I knew where to get the death stone from a book I read on them and Fluttershy told me where to find the animals and that was the easy part. The rest is history.
" She then just smiled happily and we took a step back, in respect and in fear.
"Well thank you very much dear, getting those would take me years." then she started ingraving and boiling and soldering and a bunch of other weird shit until an hour later it was finally ready. It looked just like a normal max revive but it was black and red.
"Ok. Well now that we have the revive, we need grants body here. Twilight, go pick up Grants body and teleport it back here.
" I ordered. "Right." She said and nodded her head and then zapped out then a few second later zapped back with Grant on her back. She then laid Grant on the ground and then stepped back, and let Zecora stand by him with the Max Revive.
" Are you sure you want him here? The side effects can still be clear." She warned. But we all nodded so she set the stone on his chest, right when it touched there was a large beam of light, but after a few moments the light turned to fire. But within the fire you could see a pony figure standing screaming "Fuck man I burning! And naked!."
We all rushed to the sink to get water to put the poor guy out but Zecora warned that if we put out the fire it could kill him. So we had to wait for about a minute until the fire started to go down and we started to walk towards our friends before Zecora said cautiously
"Stay back children, stay away. We don't know if he has changed." The colt that came from the flame was Definitely not the Grant I know. This Earth pony was much darker brown, almost black. And speaking of black he had black streaks in his hair, which is now much longer, and at the tips of his tail, even the tips on his hooves were black. His ears were very pointed, and even his cutie mark changed as Zecora predicted. He stepped forward and said quietly, "Guys... Is it really you...?" He took a step forward and said with a huge smile " So you fuckers actually found a way to bring me back." By then me and the other guys nodded and agreed it was grant so Cory took the opportunity to say "Hey dumbs shit ponies don't wear clothes!"
while The others were suffocating Grant with tons of questions. "What does it feel like to die?" Graham asked. " Where did you wake up?" Michael asked. "Is the FBI looking for us since we are gone??" Elliott asked. I got between them and grant and said, " We can ask all the questions you want on the way home, as of now grant has other business to attend to.
" Then I nodded at twilight and she pounced on Grant, kissing him and pretty much scaring the shit out of him and knocking them both onto the floor. But then he started kissing back. Then Twilight whispered in his ear, "I love you too" but before he could say anything back he noticed everypony was staring at him, so he stood up embarrassed and said.
"*cough* yes well.. Erm.. It's really great to be back guys, thank you for trying so hard to get me back. I really did miss you assholes, to be honest I was walking through the forest at the outskirts of town trying to find the hidden scientist that sent Vespi's here. I must have walked 50 miles after that damn bus stop, because i somehow ended up in Snoki's apartment and honestly I just want to go to my bed and lay down for a day or two, because she was a handful. Hell even the maid was a Guido!." We all nod and start to walk home, Grant explained how it feels like falling asleep when you die, and how no time has passed and he woke up in his own bed somehow. By the time all this was explained we were home, then Grant headed straight for his room, but on his way there he stopped when he saw the mirror on the bathroom door and yelled, " Holy shit dude I got a new ass tat!" he had a black guitar pick shape with a guitar made of fire in the middle, not too shabby
Well after I dragged him from staring at himself, I sent his tired ass to his room. But as soon as the door shut I heard a little teleport pop, then Twilight's voice in his room, then the door lock. I have a feeling he wouldn't be getting much sleep tonight.
After we all made the assumption that Grant was having his chicken choked via telekinesis. I made the remaining bros come to make an announcement. I had them all lean in close and said "Dudes I'm about to pull some major shit here, because I think about the time to do this. I'm going to propose to Luna.
To be Continued
Now some facts on a very interesting subject that man knows very little about. GIRLS. And I'm not doing the whole (girls point of view advice relationship) facts. These are completely meaningless facts you could go your whole life without knowing. Enjoy.
Curvy hips indicate smart women who will deliver intelligent children. (this means naturally curvy, not fat)
Twenty nine percent of women spend more time shopping for shoes than they do looking for a life long mate.
Hundreds of years ago, the Aztecs of Mexico and the people of Nicaragua believed gods lived in volcanoes. They would sacrifice beautiful young girls to these powerful gods.
The average woman uses her height in lipstick every 5 years.
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Yggdrasil and Equestria's New Secret Service
Chapter 45 Yggdrasil and Equestria's New Secret Service
Hey guys guess whose picked up writing again?
"Your doing what!" the group yelled at me in unison.
I said "Yeah you heard right I'm proposing!"
Jacob said "Dude we need to talk about this now." and speak of the devil we hear a loud moan coming from Grant's room.
Michael says "Yeah, but defiantly not here."
I say "Yeah I think it's time to leave."
As we walk out the door I look to Cory who mutters "I wonder if he's on top."
I say "To far dude. To far."
He shrugs at me and were out the door. Elliott asks "Alright dude where are we going?"
I reply "Well it's late and I got the midnight munchies so let's go to the New Rainbow Cafe that just opened up on mare street."
After a couple of minutes of silence I asked "Have you guys ever played the secret service game?"
*Side note you HAVE to try this it's so much fun! We did a 100+ person one once. It was glorious!
They all reply no by nodding their heads. I continue "Well it's where one person starts by gathering a group from 5 to 100 prople or ponies. You then select your target. Your target becomes "Mr. President". Then put one finger, well in this case hoof up to their ear like an ear speaker. They become the chief announcer. You then wait for the rest of the group to surround and put thier fingers up to their ears. Once everyone is ready the announcer yells as loud as they can "Mr. President! Get Down!!!!" while the rest of your group makes a mad dash to Mr. President and tackles him to save his life." I finish in a scientific voice.
Cory says "That actually sounds really fun who do we want to try it on?"
Jacob says "Dude the proposal?"
Graham says "Right, but I think this comes first. Set your priorities first."
I say "Yeah priories man! Let's see umm hey look there's Trixie let's get her first. Get into posisition."
Trixie's POV
"Finally the Great and Powerful Trixie has returned to Ponyville to get her revenge on those who sent me to that hell hole!"
Ms. President get down!
"Huh?"
Van's POV
I yell "Ms. President Get Down!" as loud as my lungs would allow me to as I watch proudly as a blue mare becomes a multicolored cluster fuck of rainbowed hued mixed with a dust cloud.
After all is said and done the guys come back to me and Elliott says "Dude that was really fucking fun! Let's do it again!"
I say "Alright who's our next target?"
Michael says "Dude is that Tom Cruise?"
I say "Yeah, about that Luna said that sometimes when closet Bronies dream they end up as a cameo avatar in Equestria for the stretch of the dream."
Jacob says "So Tom Cruise is a Brony."
Graham says "Nah just a scientologist. Zing!"
We all laugh for a minute before Elliott says "We can't lose this opportunity so we need to get into our places. Van give us the signal."
I waited for them to move into their positions and when all hoofs were in place I yelled "Mr. President get down!"
He saw us charging and at him and yelled "Stop in the name of Scientology!"
Surprisingly Michael actually stopped, but none the less he was still hit by a wall of pony and then disappeared from Equestria only to return to his fancy tempurpedic bed with his silk sheets.
After we had all calmed down I said "Alright now that's finished we need to return to the pending matter at hand. My proposal." as we entered the Rainbow cafe.
We all sat down and ordered our drinks and after taking a nice breather Jacob said "Ok Van you have to explain this how is this going to work are you just going to do it in a fancy restaurant or do the ring in the food or something like that?"
I said "Probably, but before that what do you need to do before asking the daughter?"
Elliott said "Ask the parents."
Cory said "Yeah, but aren't they long past dead?"
I replied "Yes, but have you heard of something no not something a tree named Yggdrasil?"
Cory asked "No and how the fuck do you even spell that? It sounds like it has an O in it."
Jacob said "No it doesn't you fucktard it has 2 g's"
I said "That's enough! But really Yggdrasil is a tree that in
Michael said "So basically Heaven, Hell, and Equis?"
I replied "Yes and Luna and Celestia's parents control the heaven portion."
Graham said "Easy enough. So how do we get there and ask?"
I said "Ever seen the music video of Rammstien's Ohne Dich?"
Cory said "Yeah there climbing a.....Van you gotta be fucking kidding me!"
Jacob said "What? What's the big deal?"
Cory replied in a stern voice "Their. Climbing. A. Fucking. Mountain."
The group groaned. Elliott said "Dude you got to be shitting me a mountain! How high is it."
I said "It's a mountain said to be so high the sun doth shine
Cory said "Sounds pretty fucking high."
I said "Yeah now who wants to go?"
I was received with an awkward silence. I said "Also it is said the ones Yggdrasil deems worthy will receive an angel. That's kinda like a housecarl from Skyrim the only thing is they are all different so pick wisely."
Elliott said "And if you aren't deemed worthy?"
I said "Then Yggdrasil will grant you one item that's within reason of getting. Like a large burger from 5 guys or something."
Cory, Jacob, Elliott, and Michael said "Im going."
I said "Graham can you watch over Grant while we are gone so he doesn't flip out about where we are? Besides I think Twilight will do most of it for you."
He said "That sounds fine by me just bring me back something cool."
I said "Will do. Now we leave for Yggdrasil at 6 am tomorrow. We will meet in the living room. Got it?"
They replied "Got it."
I said "Alright now that that's done let go home and get some sleep, and begin packing don't bring to much only what you can carry we got a long day ahead of us."
Now have some randomly gathered facts from the internet!!
In all three Godfather films, when you see oranges, there is a death (or a very close call) coming up soon.
If you were to spell out numbers, you would you have to go until 1,000 until you would find the letter "A".
23% of employees say they have had sex in the office.
Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers were all invented by women.
Married men change their underwear twice as often as single men.
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
They have square watermelons in Japan - they stack better.
Don't You F*cking Hate "Author's Notes?"
Don't You F*cking Hate "Author's Notes?"
Hey guys sorry that haven't been posting lately just lots of shit to do and little time to do it. So if your wondering why I'm posting on of those Trololo "Authors Note" or "Super Special Update" things it's basically to tell you I'm going on a hiatus. I have no clue how long it will last, but I'm expecting to at least the beginning of season 3. See ya later.
-Van
P.S In Chemistry the other day our usually overly happy Skyrim playing teacher somehow got on the topic of drunk driving. Mr. Nelson said the last time he saw a close friend of was on the day she died. She stuck her head in the door waved and smiled at him, left the classroom, and then that night got drunk and forgot to put on her seatbelt. She was in the passenger seat and she flew through the windshield and died. So remember. Never drive drunk. That's all I wanted to say.
