Rainbow Dash Goes Camping
Rainbow Dash was in her classic state of sleeping in the bed of her old house. However, the doorbell rang for the first time in forever, so she sprung up to answer it. Quickly opening her door, she was knocked to the floor by a stack of boxes tumbling on top of her. Some of the boxes' contents had spilled out onto the floor, so Rainbow examined one of them. It was a piece of paper with "BILL" spread across it in huge font, with a logo in the upper right corner saying "Certified Bullshit". Looking back down at the floor, many other pieces of paper with the same setup were spread all over the place. The doorbell rang again, making Rainbow get up from her state of repose, and quickly flinging the door open to see nopony there. This same process repeated itself about 5 times, until she opened the door to reveal her old algebra teacher, Mr. Higglesworth,
"Oh look! It's the almighty Rainbow dash, Star of the show! Congratu-FUCKING-Lations, GEE! About time your lazy flank answered the door!" Mr. Higgs yelled in his classic voice,
"Were you the one ringing my doorbell before?" Rainbow Dash asked, until a clipboard was shoved in her face,
"Marry Nightmare Night, assignment due before tomorrow's following day before Tuesday! If you turn it in late, I'm giving you an A+!" Mr. Higgs quickly yelled,
"Oh, ok, cool" Rainbow Dash responded,
"And DON'T act like you don't care! This assignment is worth an F, and I know YOU and your fetish for getting Fs!" Mr. Higgs yelled in Rainbow's face,
"I wouldn't really classify getting Fs as a fetish, they're more the sign of a dysfunctional teacher who abuses the grading policy" Rainbow Dash defended,
"Yeah? Well your DAD must be dysfunctional!" Mr. Higgs yelled back, with the rest of his statement sounding like a blur to Rainbow. All she could make out was "F, F, EEEEEFF! There's your pornography for the day! Now excuse me while I have the same conversation with the SHITBAG neighborhood you live in!" Mr. Higgs yelled out, then quickly ran away from Rainbow Dash's front door. All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie appeared in Rainbow's front yard, acting like a narrator of a story,
"After a motivating dialogue with Rainbow Dash's algebra instructor, the young mare holding the paper suddenly glanced at the evil fixture of another mare like her. The mare was well known to her peers.The-" The rest of Pinkie's statement was unheard by Rainbow Dash, who noticed her other friends nearby,
"Oh, hey girls!" She yelled out to them,
"Howdy!" Applejack said back,
"HEY DERE RAINBOW" Twilight Sparkle, or Twidos 6.90, said in her usual voice. Derpy faced the other way, laughing evilly,
"A mare that reconciled ponykind... Pinkie Pie, was her name" Pinkie concluded,
"LEARN HOW TO TALK PROPERLY YOU SHTUPID ASS, YOUR NAME ISH PINKIE PIE, NOT WAS" Twidos replied,
"Stricken back by her companion, Pinkie was not only intimidated, but slightly satisfied in how Twidos sparked a hint of anger" Pinkie Pie said again as the group fell silent,
"So what brings you girls here?" Rainbow Dash asked to break the silence,
"You see Rainbow Dash, when mommy and daddy love each other very much..." Applejack began to explain, but was cut off,
"Yes Applejack, I know..." Rainbow Dash replied,
"LET'S GO CAMPING!" Applejack yelled out,
"Get your mind out of the rut, scumbag! Oh wait, wait, MY NAME'S DERPY!" Derpy added on,
"Oh, sorry girls, I was just given an assignment that's due at the end of the weekend, so yeah, we can't hang out" Rainbow Dash stated, a little disappointed, making Derpy facehoof,
"LETS JUST GO CAMPIN, SHEESH! AS IF WE'LL BE SOOO BUSY JUSHT SITTIN ON OUR ASSES ALL DAY" Twidos responded, making Rainbow gasp, "Alright then, let's go!" Rainbow added on,
"Go where?" Applejack dumbly asked,
"Confused by her conrad's confusion, Rainbow Dash majestically performed a term well known as... a facehoof" Pinkie Pie dramatically narrated,
"YAKNOW ITSH ACSHUALY CALLED A SHLASH FACEHOOF, HOW DO YOU THINK I KNOW THISH, FUCKIN' WEETART!" Twidos yelled out. Derpy randomly gasped and made illegible noises, while pointing out to the street. Parked in front of Rainbow's house was a car (recently invented since Rainbow quit school), with none other than her old grandma in the driver's seat. However, this car resembled a monster truck, as it had gigantic wheels with the body on top,
"If you're offended that I'm the grandma, than you failed the yearlong portion it takes to get your asses in here!" Rainbow's Grandma yelled out to the group of mares,
"Grandmama! What are you doing here?" Rainbow Dash asked aloud,
"Do I know you? I said get your ass in here!" Rainbow's grandma responded loudly. Rainbow quickly attempted to climb the large wheels of the gigantic car, but slipped a couple times. As Rainbow continued to slip,
"Come on, let's GO! I have a nail appointment at 5 and a hooficure at 6!" Grandma yelled out. Within a split second, Rainbow Dash and all of her friends were in the massive vehicle and grandma floored the gas petal, making the car speed down the road. Having no care for what was in front of her, she drove off the side of a steep hill that most of Manehattan was located on, then continued down a long road further into the outskirts of the city. Coming to a 3-way intersection, Rainbow's grandma plowed straight through a road sign and miraculously ramped off a large tree, then landing in a crate being held by a crane. As the crane started spinning wildly,
"Hey, are you Rainbow Dash's grandmama?" Applejack asked the driver,
"No, I can't change the channel! I'm a little busy stuck in the end here!" Rainbow's grandma blindly replied. The crate eventually snapped off the crane's hook, causing the car to land on another road. As she continued, Pinkie Pie narrated to herself,
"Slouched in the back of the crowd, Pinkie counted the ruts from wagon wheels on the dirt road that Rainbow's Grandma zoomed along..." Pinkie said. In a split second, the car came to a grinding halt,
"YOU! Unwanted narration! Tell your friends back there to shut up or I'll have to shove my hoof down her throat!" Grandma yelled to Rainbow, who quickly turned to the back,
"Grandma said shut up" Rainbow said to Pinkie,
"Oh, ok" she replied. Grandma immediately floored it again, but ran into the back of a halted chariot,
"Ah shit, traffic jam, time to take a detour!" Grandma yelled, then turned and went off the road and into the wilderness lining it. Swerving and splashing her way through rivers and terrain,
"WHATERYOU DOING DUMB BISH? YOU COULD HAVE RAN OVER TRAFFIC!" Twidos yelled, having spontaneously appeared on the driver's window,
"I'm trying to get an achievement for running into that shitty house!" Grandma yelled back, then immediately ran into a wooden shack, containing a homeless stallion, crushing him and the house. Within a few seconds and crazy maneuvers, Grandma's car came to a halt right in front of a large building, "Am I too close to the curb?" She asked,
"Are you kidding? The curbs like a mile away! Good job grandmamamama..." Applejack jokingly said,
"Thanks sweetie, you're like the perfect grandson that I never had!" Grandma replied,
"Aww, you shouldn't have!" Applejack sappily replied,
"Yeah, your right, I shouldn't have said that, now get out and go die in the war!" Rainbow's Grandma said, then literally kicked each of them out of her huge vehicle one by one. Once they were all out, Grandma made a last remark, "I'll be back here at 4 AM Sharp! If your a second late I'm leaving you jackasses behind! Seeya!" Rainbow's Grandma yelled then sped away in her car, leaving the 5 friends for themselves,
"Uhh, why are we at the nail salon?" Rainbow Dash questioned, pointing out a large sign on the top of the building saying, "NAIL SALON".
--
Out in the middle of nowhere, Rainbow's grandma was lost in her vehicle,
"Alright, who moved the salon!? I'm calling the Natives about this crap!" Grandma yelled out to a non-existent audience.
--
Back at the Nail Salon, Applejack was chugging a bottle of Apple Cider, taking a break after a few seconds,
"I think grandmama mixed up the drop off locations" Applejack replied to Rainbow Dash's question,
"GEE APPLEJACK, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SHUCH A FUKEN WEETART IN THISH SHTORY!?" Twidos quickly yelled, stealing Applejack's Apple Cider. Pinkie Pie, however, started narrating again,
"Upon listening to the unnecessary satiations of this delicate creature, Pinkie has come to the conclusion that a shift of mental disabilities has occurred due to the excessive use of actions through magical spells..." Pinkie continued narrating as Rainbow Dash snored loudly, asleep, "Shut up, Rainbow Dash" Pinkie quickly told Rainbow Dash, who quickly woke up,
"Okay, according to my calculations we should be approaching the campsite in half an hour" Rainbow said to the group,
"WASHN'T I SUPPOSHED TO SAY THAT?" Twidos yelled out, with her horn beginning to flare "QUIT SHTEALING MY LINESH, BISH!" Tiwdos yelled again, throwing a boot at Rainbow Dash, "OKAY SHO ACCORDING TO MY GPESH SHPELL, WE SHOULD BE APPROACHING THE CAMP SHITE AT APPROXIMATELY SHEVENTEEN HUNDRED HOURSH" Twidos said aloud. The entire group got up and started heading towards where the presumed campsite was.
--
As the group kept walking, they came upon a foreign neighborhood, decorated for Nightmare Night, still conversing with each other along the way,
"THAT HASH TO BE THE MOST HOMOSEXUAL THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!" Twidos replied to an unheard comment,
"MY EARS ARE HOMOSEXUAL!" Derpy replied. As the group kept walking, they came across an old classmate of theirs, known as Vinyl Scratch. Howver, her mane was a mess, bags lye under her eyes and a depressed look was on her face,
"*sniff* Hey girls... some time... since I could buy some more vodka... lost my house... and my vodka..." Vinyl said sadly,
"ALCHOHOLSH BAD, GET OUTTA HERE YOU HOMO!" Twidos rudely shouted,
"Oh... *sniff* ok..." Vinyl said, depressed, then sulked away from the group.
--
After hours of walking in a huge circle, Rainbow Dash lay on her back in the middle of the street, an agonized look on her face,
"JAYSUS! How much longer Rainbow Dash? It's like we've been walking in circles for hours!" Applejack asked loudly. Rainbow Dash said nothing,
"HEY! I'M THE ONE WITH THE GPESH SHPELL!" Twidos yelled out, threw Applejack off of Rainbow Dash, and lit her horn up again, "ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONSH, WE SHOULD BE THERE BEFORE IT GETSH-" Twidos was cut off by an abrupt change from night to day, "DARK..." Twidos finished, with fright in her voice,
"I think we're lost" Rainbow Dash replied,
"SHIT! I FORGOT TO TURN OFF MY MAGIC PWOOF LOCK TO MY HOUSE SO NOW SHUM ROBBERSH GONNA TRY TO OPEN IIT AND BURN MY HOUSH DOWN, LATER GIRLSH" Twidos yelled out, lit her horn up, and floated away from the group,
"Well, there goes our only hope in survival..." Rainbow said disappointed as Pinkie started narrating again,
"There was something else, something else to use, something else to allow further progress. Our heroes descend further into the depths of there young mare years, not knowing who or what is going to lead them to their fate. Suddenly, a faint point volume at your contrast the dark night. Sanctioned hope and relief lifted their spirit to the black night sky, safety was knocking at their door..." Pinkie narrated,
"Hey girls, a light!" Applejack pointed out,
"Come on, let's go see it!" Rainbow Dash yelled out,
"WELL IT'S PROBABLY MY FLASHLIGHT" Derpy yelled out. The light blinked away in an instant, revealing Derpy holding a lantern,
"We were lied to, and we have failed..." Pinkie narrated dramatically,
"Derpy! You aren't even our friend! Go home!" Applejack yelled to the grey pegasus. In the pegasus's mind, she ran through all of her memories from Manehattan High School with her friends, including her first declaration of "MY NAME'S... DERPY", and "Every single FUCKING joke Rainbow Dash, what the hell is the matter with you?" and their great escape from the school's explosion,
"GREAT! MORE YOUNG MARE TSHRAUMA!" Twidos rudely interrupted. Then, out of nowhere, the same two stallion that harassed them at the passenger chariot from school appeared, wearing Nightmare Night costumes,
"Yo! Trick or Treat bitches!" One of them yelled out. Derpy pondered this for a few seconds, then dropped a few bits into their pillowcase,
"YEAAAH! Thanks pussies! This is bawss!" the other stallion yelled out. Within a few seconds, they had taken to the streets in a chariot of their own. Pinkie Pie however, started narrating again,
"Sad, disrespectful men appeared from under the bush, robbing the crew of their valuables. Such men don't deserve a purpose. They believe in inhaling substances, and having sexual orientation with many other mares to lead to a prosperous life. Yet they will never serve any better, or any worse, the future tends to unfold as it should" Pinkie Pie narrated.
--
In the depths of a forest, the four ponies slowly walked along a path leading through the trees, hoping to find the campsite they have long been searching for,
"I THOUGHT WE WERE GOIN CAMPING! THIS ISH BULLSHIT!" Twidos yelled out,
"Well why don't you check with your fancy GPS magic?" Applejack sarcastically asked,
"ITSH CALLED A WAND ASSFACE!" Twidos yelled back, lighting up her horn once again, "ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONSH, THE CAMPSHITE SHOULD BE FIVE FEET IN FRONT OF USH!" Twidos stated. As the group stared at a perfectly set up campsite, Rainbow Dash came to the realization that this was simply her backyard. Rainbows face grew to be fully enraged,
"ARE YOU SERIOUS!? WE JUST WALKED AN ENTIRE CIRCLE FOR HOURS AND THE WHOLE TIME IT WAS RIGHT IN MY BACKYARD!?" Rainbow Dash yelled to the group in rage,
"GESH SHO" Twidos replied,
"Alrighty! Let's go do some hardcore camping!" Applejack added on. In a split second, the whole gorup was sitting around a burning campfire, and tents surrounding it,
"DISH SHUCKSH" Twidos yelled out,
"Come on girls,all in a day's work, right?" Applejack replied,
"To walk 20 feet from where we started" Rainbow Dash angrily stated as Pinkie narrated once again,
"And yet, the final-" Pinkie began, but was cut off,
"WILL YOU EVER SHUT THE HELL UP?" Twidos requested,
"Well girls, since this camping trip went to total crap, how about we get some free candy?" Rainbow Dash asked the group,
"I'D RATHER JISH RAINBOWSH" Twidos said aloud,
"And the fire feels cozy..." Applejack added on. After a few minutes of silence, Twidos stopped playing with her magic,
"YOU KNOW WHAT, TISH ISH GAY, LETSH GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE" Twidos yelled out,
"Okay girls, I'm out of here" Rainbow Dash said then went up to her back door and began to enter her house, only to be stopped by a voice from the other yard,
"Hey fagolas, pass us some marshmallows, we ran out!" The voice, none other than Mr. Higglesworth yelled to the campers,
"Sorry, we don't have any!" Rainbow responded,
"Then why is that pegasus over there cross-eyed?" Mr. Higgs said back, pointing out Derpy,
"BECAUSE MY NAME'S DERPY, DAMMIT!" Derpy yelled back,
"Mr. Higglesworth, I want my fucking marshmallows right now, where are they" A familiar translator known as Ms. Pony said from the other backyard,
"Up your ass!" Mr. Higgs yelled back,
"Oh, I didn't check there, the translator said again,
"Miss Lady, can you please get the urge to pass the beans?" Mr. Cool asked Ms. Pony,
"Mr. Stallion, can you please gain the urge to shut the fuck up and get me marshmallows" Ms. Pony angrily typed into the translator,
"Well I'm gonna give you and F whether you do your ASSignment or not! SOOO go to bed!" Mr. Higgs yelled to Rainbow Dash,
"WELL HOW ABOUT THAT COSHTUME SHTORE?" Twidos asked the group,
"I have a house to go live in, so... seeya...." Rainbow Dash suspiciously said as she slid into the house and shut her back door,
"And I have to go sleep over at Slim's house, seeya girls!" Applejack said to the group, then comically ran out of the area as usual,
"AND I NEED TO GO GET MY EYES CHECKED, PEACE IN!" Derpy yelled to the group, then vanished with a click. With only two mares left in the group, Pinkie began to narrate again as she got up and wandered into the woods,
"Carry on my Wayward son... Pinkie replied, then stepped away into the darkness, never more seen by another soul... never more seen by another soul..." Pinkie repeated over and over as she continued into the woods. Now, with only Twidos left, the fire slowly burned out, but she remained,
"YEAH WELL, SO YOUR GAY, YOU SHOULD GIVE ME SOME..." Twidos continued as Rainbow Dash tried to sleep. Eventually, Twidos left Rainbow's backyard and went to her own home, and this crazy day was put to rest.
