Location: Universal stream Versius 111.1 Alpha

A stolen fighter jet tore through the air at breakneck speed. Its pilot, a short man with black hair and slightly grayed skin, thought back to what else he had done that day.

It had all started when the power company had shut off his electricity, claiming he had yet to pay his bills. Claiming he had, in fact, paid, the man had decided to investigate the power company. To his shock he had learned it was being lead by a criminal warlord, who was taking people's money and using it to build weapons. Enraged, the man had stolen a fighter jet intending to use it to terminate the fake power station, destroying the warlord's work in the process

Another normal day in the life of Dan.

The radio crackled to life. "Dan, I'm giving you one last chance to stop this crazy scheme!"

Dan picked up the receiver. "Sorry, Elise, but I can't let this warlord guy just take my money and run!"

"For the last time, Dan, there IS no warlord!” Elise insisted, "And there are no weapons in that power plant."

"How the heck do YOU know?!" Dan replied. "Have you actually LOOKED?"

Elise waited a moment before responding. "That implies that you have been inside the building. So, let's count the number of crimes you've committed today alone: assaulting a power plant owner, stealing a government fighter plane and pilot’s suit with the intention of destroying private property, and now breaking and entering."

Dan rolled his eyes. Before he could respond, however, the plane started shaking in a more violent fashion than one of Dan's favorite TV shows.

"Dan, what are you doing now?!" Elise shouted, having heard the sounds of the plane being nearly rattled apart.

"I-I-I-I'm not doi-i-i-ing anythi-i-i-ing!" Dan said, he voice rattle by the rapid vibrations of the plane.

The stubby man gasped as he realized the cause of the disturbance- some kind of giant, swirling energy vortex in the sky was pulling him in.

"Elise, I'm being sucked in by some crazy sky portal!" he screamed into the mic.

"This isn't time for games Dan!" came the reply.

"I'm not joking!" Dan insisted, panic washing over him as the plane neared the vortex. "It’s trying to eat m-"

The radio suddenly began emitting static.

"Elise?" ELISE?!"

No reply.

Dan could only stare like a helpless child as his plane was swallowed up by the vortex.

But not before he whipped out his notebook of things he hates and scribbling down "Swirling sky portals".

**********

Location: Universal stream Equine 612.9 Iota

One of the inter-dimensional portals hung ominously over Ponyville, like a vast, predatory bird...

Without warning, a flaming triangular shape burst from the portal.

In the plane, Dan was absolutely freaking out. Not only had the portal taken him into some weird tunnel made of clouds, but lightning had struck the plane and started a fire.

"C'mon, c'mon!" He panted, feeling around the bottom of the pilot’s seat. "There's got to be a-"

Felling a latch, Dan pulled it. The glass cockpit whooshed open as the seat shot out of the flaming plane.

Screaming like a little girl on Halloween, Dan shot into the air. Within seconds, gravity slowed his ascent. Dan breathed a sigh of relief... until he remembered what comes after you stop flying upwards.

"Oh, son of a-" his cursing was cut off as he plummeted to the ground, resuming his scream-fest.

Frantically, he again searched for a lever or handle on the side of the pilot's chair he was still strapped to. If what he saw in the movies was accurate, there should be something right-

FWOOP!

An expansive yellow parachute popped out of the back of the seat. Dan breathed another sigh of relief as his rapid descent was slowed to a crawl.

"Well, that's a relief!" he said to himself. "Now to just sit back as-"

His plans for leisure were suddenly cut short as the chair wacked into the roof of a building and fell over-

"OUCH!"

-then proceeded to slide down the slanted roof-

"OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!"

-and fall off the two-story building, depositing itself on the ground.

"OUCH! Hey, why didn't the parachute slow my fall off the roof?"

As if to answer his quest, a very torn-up parachute then draped itself over him.

"Dangit!" He cursed, trying to throw the fold of fabric off of him. "Well, at least it can't get any worse!"

Finally, he got the parachute off his head... and found himself face-to-muzzle with a crowd of what looked like multicolored horses.

For a moment, both Dan and the horses just stared at eachother, jaws gaping.

Dan came to his senses first. "What the heck are YOU looking at?!"

Screeching and yelping, the crowd dispersed, the horses disappearing into and around surrounding buildings.

"Well, that solves that!" Dan said, dusting himself off. "But what kind of town is full of rainbow ponies? Am I in a stupid girly theme park or somethi-"

Dan turned around to find himself staring at one horse who hadn't left. She was gray in color with a blond mane at tail. Oddly, one of her yellow eyes seemed to be lazy. Or, rather, both of them were lazy.

"Hiyah, mister!" The beaming pony said.

"Oh my gosh, they TALK, too?" Dan exclaimed.

"Of course, silly!" the bubbly horse replied with a giggle. "All ponies can talk!"

"Talking ponies, huh?" Dan wondered aloud. "Where am I, some kind of little girl's cartoon?"

"I don't know what that is," the crazy-eyed pony said, "But this is Ponyville!"

Dan burst out laughing. "Of all the stupid, unoriginal names! That’s about as dumb as you look!"

His laughter was cut short by sniffling. Turning back to the pony, he saw she was on the verge of tears.

"Hey, now cut that out!"

She sniffled again, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Stop it!" Dan repeated. "I am NOT going to apologize to a stupid pony!"

A single tear ran down the pony's face.

"Alright, FINE!" Dan shouted. "I take it back, just stop with the waterworks!"

The wall-eyed pony instantly stopped crying, her expression changing back to a happy one.

Dan only stared at her for a moment. "OK, that was kinda weird." He glanced around at the colorful buildings that surrounded him. "So, how do I get out of this wacked-out town? All these colors are gonna make my eyes bleed."

The derp-eyed pony faltered for a second. "Well, getting out is easy! You just walk out past the city limit."

"Thank you, captain obvious," Dan muttered, folding his arms over his chest.

"My names not 'Obvious', and I'm not a captain," the pony replied. "I'm Ditzy Doo, but most ponies call me Derpy Hooves."

It took all of Dan's self control (and then some) to prevent himself from bursting out laughing again.

"OK, *snicker* Derpy," the human cleared his throat. "How do I get back to Los Angeles?"

Derpy cocked an eyebrow, giving her a rather hilarious facial expression, considering her derped eyes. "Do you mean 'Los Pegasus'?"

"No, Los Angeles," Dan insisted. "It's in California."

"Cauliflower?" Ditzy asked.

"No, CaliFORNIA!" Dan half shouted. "It's a huge state on the west side of the United States of America."

Ditzy just stared at him with a blank expression.

Dan facepalmed. “Never mind, you gotta airport or something around here?”

More derp-eyed staring.

“ANYWHERE I can get some transportation?!” Dan screamed.

“Well, there’s a train station on the west end of town,” Derpy replied, pointing to the east.

“Train station, huh?” Dan wondered aloud as he fished some money out of his pocket. “Hmm, seventy-three cents. I wonder if ponies are OK with bargaining...”

“Seventy-three bits?!” Derpy exclaimed. “With that much money you could buy tickets for a while FAMILY of ponies!”

“Stuff’s THAT cheap?” the human asked, surprised. “Maybe I should buy an XBox or something while I’m here.”

“Why would you want to buy a box that looks like a letter?” Derpy wondered.

Dan’s looked at the pony in surprise. “You don't have video games here?”

“Video... games?” Ditzy repeated, more confused than ever.

“Television?” Dan asked pleadingly.

“Tell what vision?”

For a moment, Dan stared at the pony in shocked silence. It was a good half-minute before he spoke.

“I have GOT to get out of this crazy-ass town.”

“You there! FREEZE!”

Dan and Ditzy both turned to see several stallions dressed in navy blue uniforms.

“Aw crap, pony cops!” Wasting no time, Dan did the most logical thing possible in this situation.

Run like heck.

“Stop in the name of the law!” The police-ponies shouted, running after him.

“Fat chance!” Dan shouted behind him.

“Did he just call me fat?” one of the stallions asked another.

While they were distracted by his comment, Dan rounded a corner and dove into an empty barrel. Thanks to clichés, the stallions somehow didn't notice and thundered right by him.

The human breathed a sigh of relief. “That was close.”

“I’ll say!”

Dan jumped when Derpy’s voice sounded in the barrel next to his.

“What the heck are YOU doing here?” the short human exclaimed in an accusatory manner. “You could’ve given me away to the CLOPS!”

Derpy’s ears drooped. “W-well i just wanted to help you...”

Seeing how she was again on the verge of tears, and how he didn't want to have a repeat of earlier, Dan conceded. “FINE! Let's just get to the freaking train station already ...which way was it again?”

Derpy pointed to the left.

“Didn't you point the other way earlier?” Dan noticed.

“Oops,” the wall-eyed pony replied. “I’m kind of directionally challenged...”

Dan facepalmed. Of all the ponies he had to run into, it HAD to be one who didn't know left from right. “We’ll just have to find a GPS, then.”

“What’s a ‘gee-pea-ess?’” Derpy inquired.

“AUGH! Don't you ponies have ANY sort of technology?!” Dan roared. “I mean, come on! What year are you guys stuck in?!”

“One-thousand and two,” Derpy replied, not catching his sarcasm.

“One thousand and two?” Realization stuck Dan like a rock. “Oh my gosh, I went back in time!” He clutched his head as his mind reeled. “That’s why there isn't any technology here, and why there aren’t any ponies in two-thousand twelve!”

“Whoa, are you saying you're from the future?!” Derpy exclaimed in giddy excitement.

“It seems that way,” Dan said as she tried to pull himself out of the barrel only to end up knocking it over. “Damn it!”

“And did you say there are no ponies in the future?” Derpy asked, fluttering out of her own barrel with the help of her wings.

Dan crawled out of the wooden storage device and picked himself up off the ground. “Yeah, but they still might be out there somewhere. You never know what could be hiding in the plains of Texas or whatever.”

"Tex-who?" Derpy asked.

"Nevermind," the human replied. "Let's just find a way to the train station without attracting attention."

"Well, you kinda attract attention the way it is," Ditzy pointed out.

Dan examined his hands. "Good point. I need some kind of disguise..."

After a moment of thought, Derpy's face lit up. "Hey, I have an idea!"

**********

"There, perfect!" The clumsy pegasus exclaimed as she examined the massive shipping box before her.

"Ah you shoow abouw dish?" Dan said, his voice muffled by several pounds of packing peanuts.

"Positive!" Derpy exclaimed. "I'll get you to the train station in to time!"

"And you're shtrong enuff to carrwee thuh boxsh?"

Derpy's smile fell. "Oh. Hadn't thought of that." Derpy then got behind the box and pushed, to no avail. Taking flight, she attempted to lift the box. No dice.

"Well, dahngit," Dan said.

A smile returned to Ditzy's face. "Hey, I know! I have plenty of unicorn friends who could lift the box with magic!"

"Unicornsh? Magic?" Dan said from his cramped confines. "Whahever."

"Be right back!" Derpy then took to the air and raced out the door.

Or at least, she tried to make it out the door. Due to her eyesight problems, she first slammed into the wall next to the door.

"Whah wash that? the human wondered.

"Oh, uh, nothing," Derpy blushed in embarrassment, despite the fact that nopony had seen her failure. Trying once more, she darted out the door of the post office.

"Let's see, unicorn, unicorn..." Ditzy muttered as her lazy eyes scanned the landscape before her. Finally, she noticed a mint-colored pony with a cone-shaped protrusion on her head.

"Unicorn!" She exclaimed triumphantly. "Hey, Lyra!"

The mint-green pony looked up from her conversation with a cream-colored earth pony.

"Oh, hello Ditzy!"

"Lyra, I need to ask you a favor!" Derpy said, landing next to the other pony.

Lyra smiled. "Sure thing! Need some music?"

Derpy shook her head. "No, I need a unicorn to help me deliver a big, heavy box to the train station!"

Lyra's smile faltered. "W-well, I don't have the strongest magic, but I can try..."

The wall-eyed pegasus beamed. "Thank you so much!"

The unicorn followed her friend to the post office. "No problem..."

When they arrived in the building, Lyra's jaw fell. "Wow, that IS a big box."

"Heavy, too," Ditzy Do replied. "And fragile."

Lyra gulped before summoning her magic, causing her horn to glow a gold color.

A similar glow encased the box, lifting it a few inches off the ground.

"It's working! It's working!" Derpy cheered enthusiastically.

Lyra panted. "OK, I think I can make it. Where did you say this needed to go?"

"The train station."

Lyra's eye twitched. "As in, all the way across town?"

Derpy nodded.

The unicorn sighed before directing the box out the door. Both ponies then exited the building and began the long trek to the train station. (To Derpy's relief, Lyra knew the way.)

After ten minutes of intense levitating and slow walking in silence, a thought occurred to Lyra.

"Hey, Ditzy?"

The wall-eyed pony turned to her friend. "Yes?"

"Why couldn't you just put this thing on a cart?"

Derpy nearly facehoofed, but realized just in time that the action would have caused her to lose her balance.

"Uh, well..." Derpy thought fast. Fortunately, despite her eye condition and naive personality, she had quite a bit of brainpower in her skull. "Well, see... a cart would have been too bumpy. Like I said, fragile contents."

Lyra considered this. "I... guess that makes sense..."

Derpy nodded, breathing a sigh of relief at the same time.

It wouldn’t last long. Lyra, further considering Derpy’s answer, failed to notice a sizeable rock stuck in the ground before her. Naturally, despite all the open space around the rock, the mint-colored unicorn managed to trip on the offending stone.

Still caught up in her thought process, Lyra face-planted into the ground, causing her to lose control of the box. It smashed against the ground, tearing a nasty gash in the side.

“HEY! WHAT GIVES?!”

Lyra’s head shot up as the box spoke to her. Out form it emerged a bizarre bipedal creature with a short, scraggly mane.

“DITZY, WHAT IS THAT THING?!” Lyra shouted, almost having a heart attack.

Before Derpy could respond, Dan balled a fist in Lyra’s face. “What part of ‘fragile contents’ implies you can just throw it on the ground?!”

“G-get your grubby claws AWAY from me!” Lyra shouted back. Despite the brave nature of the words themselves, her voice and facial expression were dead giveaways to her fear.

“They’re not CLAWS, stupid!’ Dan replied as he flexed his fingers in front of the unicorn. “They’re HANDS!”

“H-hands?” Lyra repeated, quickly becoming absolutely fascinated with the alien appendages in front of her muzzle.

“There it is! GET IT!”

“Uh-oh,” Derpy understated as she caught sight of a group of police stallions.

“Damnit!” Dan cussed. “MAKE A BREAK FOR IT!”

He and Derpy then took off running at full speed towards the train station.

“STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!!!” the ‘CLOPS’ insisted, to no avail, as they thundered past a still-dazed Lyra.

It wasn't until the pursuers disappeared from sight before Lyra muttered something to herself.

“Hands?”

**********

“Y’know... PANT... it’s weird,” Dan started between labored breaths as he desperately outran his pursuers.

“What’s weird?” Derpy asked from her place flying next to Dan

“Normally by now... PANT...I’d be raging... COUGH... and breaking stuff,” the human replied, almost tripping. “This pony town... HACK... must have some kind... WHEEZE... of natural calming... PANT... effect.”

“Hm. Fascinating,” Derpy replied.

“I just wonder... PANT... if I’m going to... HACK... burst sooner or later...” Dan finished.

It was a second before Derpy spoke again. “Uh, hey, Dan?”

“What... COUGH... is it?”

“Shouldn't we lose the cops instead of lead them to where we’re going?”

A moment of silence followed. “Yeah... PANT... that might be a good... WHEEZE... idea...”

Behind them, the police stallions watched as the gray pegasus and the weird bipedal creature they were chasing darted around a building.

“Don’t lose them!” the lead officer ordered as he and his men rounded the corner. They charged another block in the new direction before stopping.

“Uh, chief? I think we lost them,” a junior officer pointed out.

The chief facehoofed. “Fan out and find them! I want that creature contained NOW!”

“Yes, SIR!” the other stallions barked before splitting up.

Meanwhile, a block back, a human and a pegasus rose up from behind a fruit stand.

“Man, that trick ALWAYS works!” Dan observed.

“Are you complaining?” Derpy asked as the two stood up.

“Whadda YOU think?” Dan replied as they hurriedly made their way towards the train station.

“Probably not,” Derpy replied. “I mean, why would you be complaining of somethi-”

“Sarcasm!” the short human stated as they continued their mad dash.

Fortunately for the two of them, the remaining trek to the train station was uneventful. Dan was mildly surprised at this, seeing how the cop ponies were supposed to be all over the town looking for them.

They must suck at their jobs, Dan concluded as he walked to the ticket booth.

“Are you sure you don’t want ME to buy the tickets?” Derpy said.

“Hey, if I can get tickets at these dirt cheap prices,” Dan motioned to a bulletin board that claimed that all tickets were a mere seven bits, “I’m taking full advantage of it.

“Yes, how can I-” the ticket pony’s eyes went wide when she caught sight of Dan. “Uh... help... you?”

“Yeah, I need a one-way ticket to whoever can get me a thousand and ten years into the future,” Dan said in a perfectly calm tone.

“I-I’m sorry, s-sir,” the ticket-taker pony stuttered. “But all trains have b-been... suspended until further notice...”

“SUSPENDED?!” Dan exclaimed. The fury he’d been bottling up since he arrived in this dang town was finally surfacing, and with a vengeance. “Whaddya MEAN ‘suspended’?!”

The ticket mare gulped. “T-there was an attack on the capital city of C-Canterlot, and th-they’ve shut down all train t-travel u-until it gets resolved...”

Dan’s face reddened from sheer fury. "This is an outrage! I swear, this will NOT go unresolved!"

“P-please, sir,” the ticket pony said, her eyes shrinking in fear. “I-If you could just-”

"I swear, I am LITERALLY going to destroy this entire building and everything in it!"

“B-believe me, if it was up to me the trains would be up and run-”

"Heck, I’m gonna destroy this WHOLE DANG CITY! Do you hear me?!” He noticed the ticket pony shrinking back. “Do NOT walk away, I'm not done with you!"

He was about to unleash the rest of his fury when what looked like a green bipedal robot jumped around the corner. It hands were replaced with what seemed like laser blasters.

The robot’s angered expression changed to one of exasperation. “Oh, you have GOT to be joking...”

Dan realized he was staring with his jaw hanging open. It took him a moment to find his voice. “OK, if ponies don’t even have TV’S, how the HECK do they have ROBOTS?!”

The green mech’s blasters retracted and were replaced with hands. “I wasn’t pony-built. Actually, I wasn’t anyone-built. I am Legatron- Keeper of the AllSpark, universe traveler and protector of the innocent.”

Dan tilted his head. “A universe traveling robot in the past? Weird.”

Legatron stared at him in confusion. “The past? No, no, no- this isn't the past.”

“It isn’t?”

“Did you come here through some sort of blue portal?” Legatron asked.

“Yeah, kinda.”

The robot snapped his fingers. “There you go. You’re not in the past; you’re on another planet in another universe relative to your own.”

“And HOW is this possible?” Dan inquired.

“I’m... actually not so sure,” Legatron admitted. “But me and some friends were on our way to find the source of the disturbance. You’re welcome to tag along, provided you want to get back home.”

“Heck YEAH I wanna get home!” the human exclaimed. “All these bright candy colors are giving me a headache. Plus I’m kinda being chased by-”

“THERE IT IS!”

“Aw, damn!” Dan swore as several police ponies trotted into the station.

“Contain it before it escapes!” a very angry police chief ordered.

“You didn’t by chance rob a bank or anything, did you?” Legatron asked, optics darting between the rapidly approaching cops and the human.

“NO! All I did was parachute out of a flaming fighter jet!” Dan insisted. “Then these guys showed up and tried to arrest me!”

A unicorn officer fired a bolt of magic at Dan that turned into a rope in mid-air. However, before it could reach its target, it was sliced in half.

Legatron converted his laser sword back into his hand. “Easy, there boys.”

“Look, it’s another one!” A pony cop shouted. “And it’s wearing metal armor!”

“HEY! Who are you calling armor?!” Legatron snapped.

“STOP!”

The police ponies stopped dead in their tracks and stared at a teary-eyed Derpy.

“Look, that’s the pony the first monster was holding captive!” a bulky officer stated.

“I wasn’t being held captive!” Derpy insisted. “And Dan’s not a monster! He didn't do anything wrong!”

“He resisted arrest!” the chief pointed out.

“What were you trying to arrest him for in the first place?” Legatron inquired.

None of the cops had an answer.

“See, this is all just a BIIIIG misunderstanding,” Derpy continued. “Dan showed up here on accident- that’s nothing to arrest him for! And sure he looks different, but so do I! Look at my eyes.” She made her eyes look more derped than usual. “They're different from everypony else’s! Are you gonna arrest ME for that?”

The police colts shuffled awkwardly.

“Just because someone looks different doesn't mean they’re bad,” the wall-eye pegasus restated. "And-"

"OK, OK, we get it!" The chief exclaimed. "We're not going to arrest him for being different."

Derpy beamed. "Good!"

"We're going to arrest him for threatening to destroy the city."

The pegasus' ears folded back. "Oh."

"Actually, officer, we kind of need him," a familiar female voice stated.

"Oh, sure, Twilight, pick NOW to come help out!" Legatron sarcastically spat.

Twilight look at him in annoyance. "I thought you had things taken care of."

"I did," Legatron retorted. "It doesn't mean you can't come and speed things up!"

The unicorn rolled her eyes before looking to the police chief. "I'm terribly sorry about this, sir, but we seem to be having problems with alien life forms showing up in Ponyville. Princess Celestia has ordered me and my friends to bring them to Canterlot to attempt to send them back to their homes and try to stop any more from showing up."

"Do you have proof of this?" the chief asked.

"Spike!" Twilight called.

Seconds later, the chubby dragon was offering a scroll to the police chief.

The stallion unicorn took it in a telekinetic grasp as she carefully scanned the paper. Though it didn't make specific mention of taking any and all aliens to the capitol city, it still specifically stated that Twilight Sparkle was to take her friends to Canterlot.

"Alright, fine," the chief said he returned the scroll to the dragon. "You're good to go. Although I don't see how you're going to get there without train travel."

Twilight took the parchment in her own magical grasp and carefully rolled it up. "Oh, I have my ways..."

"So, what's going on here?" Dan asked, thoroughly confused.

"We're going to visit the ponies' ultra-powerful leader to see if she can send you and other aliens home," Legatron explained.

"There's OTHER aliens here, too?"

Legatron nodded.

Dan was silent for a moment. "At this point I honestly wonder if I'm dreaming."

"You only now thought of that?" Legatron joked as he made his way back to Optimus' truck form.

Dan muttered something under his breath before turning to Derpy. "Are you coming along?"

Derpy shook her head. "As much as I want to, I have duties to attend to here. Besides, I have to apologize to Lyra for scaring her. But best of luck getting home!"

"Suit yourself!" Dan snickered as he followed Legatron. "Heh, 'duties'..."

**********

"Well, this day has been just plain weird," Dan stated. "I'm in a world full of disgustingly happy ponies whose multicolors make my eyes want to puke, and I'm riding on a firetruck that turns into Optimus Prime."

The ponies nodded in agreement. Even for them, this day had been a particularly strange one, as they now found themselves on top of Optimus' firetruck form.

"But are our colors REALLY that horrid?" Rarity inquired.

Dan shrugged and leaned back against Prime's ladder. "Depends. White and purple go together okay, I guess. But some of the random ponies in the town and even the town itself gave me a headache."

"How does it give you a headache?" Pinkie asked. "I mean, all the colors in town are so bright and pretty! They're so cheerful, and they always remind me that I have wonderful, caring friends, and.."

Pinkie continued to rant as Dan leaned towards the others and whispered, "Is she always like this?"

Rainbow, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy and Spike nodded.

Dan clutched his head in annoyance. "I am going to need one HECK of a dose of aspirin..."

**********

"So, what are human cities like?" Twilight asked eagerly.

Optimus paused for a moment before answering. "Well... the city I was in was a particularly large metropolitan area that thrived primarily on manufacturing..."

Twilight eagerly scribbled notes down in her notebook, gobbling up the information like Pac-Man does white dots.

Sitting in the driver's seat, Legatron chuckled at the purple unicorn's antics. Her small form had been curled up in Optimus' passenger seat for the past half hour, asking the Autobot questions about anything and everything the whole time.

The green mech's thoughts were interrupted by what he thought looked like a flash of light in the sky.

Suddenly, what appeared to be a space ship slightly bigger than Optimus' truck form broke through the clouds, headed straight for them.

Author's Note

You asked for it- the long awaited Dan chapter!

First off I want to apologize for how long this chapter took to make. Exams and Christmas got in the way of both me and my pre-reader (Megatron_91), then wisdom teeth removal killed my schedule even more.

The next chapter may take awhile as well, unfortunately.