Twilight Discovers Shit

by Fiddlebottoms

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Profanity, Random, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1997

Twilight has discovered many things, but not shit. Not yet. The final adventure awaits!

A totally not made up medical event results in Luna sucking both herself and Twilight into the Royal Rectum. Can Twilight convince Luna to loosen her sphincter, or they will be trapped in the moon for 1,000 years?
Sequel to the ACCLAIMED WORK OF ART Luna Shoves a Cellphone Up Her Plot.
It's back, twice the length, twice the plot, and twice the cellphones.

Published 2012-10-22 03:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-22 03:20:01 UTC

Not Everypony Poops

Princess Luna leaned forward, her forelegs bent and her hindquarters thrust into the air before the face of her sister’s pupil. Also her sister’s pupils, because both Celestia and Twilight were there. That was wordplay, a literary device.

“I’m not sure why I’m the one who has to do this,” said Twilight, looking uncertainly at the full moon.

“You're the only pony who can understand the complexities of Our plot.” Luna moaned as she felt a fresh vibration within her interior lowlands. The action at her rear end distracted Twilight and Celestia from Luna's fore end as it started to swell with magic and ego.

Twilight whispered to Celestia, “What is a plot?”

“It's the totally mature word that the third oldest magical being in Equestria uses to refer to her anus.”

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about those," Twilight replied, eager for the distraction as Luna arced her back and the distorted notes of a tinny song slid delicately from her sphincter, "Why don't common ponies have anything back there?"

“You don’t enjoy discharging waste through your mouth? It is quite efficient.”

“It's also quite disgusting. Do you have any idea how many much time each day I have to spend on dental hygiene?”

“I doubt it's more disgusting than spending over a thousand years surrounded by ponies who act like they've never heard of pants.”

Twilight sighed, this was a conversation she'd been wanting to have since she discovered an ancient copy of Everybody Poops in the library. However, she wasn't sure how effectively she could argue with an asshole in front of her. Sadly, she dropped the issue and returned to the matter at hoof, "Shouldn't somepony familiar with the equipment perform this operation? I only know what I've managed to read."

"I can't do it. Somepony might get the wrong idea.”

“We suggested a threesome, ONCE, almost 1,500 years ago,” Luna protested, "We do not have secret-incestuous-sex-lusts for you."

"That isn't the impression I got from the sketches in your diary."

"You read Our super-secret diary?" The Princess of the Night rose to her full height.

"If you didn't want me reading it, you shouldn't have left it in a place where I might find it after searching your private quarters for decades. Not that it was worth the effort of dismantling every piece of furniture in the palace." Celestia mimed a gagging motion.

"So you're the one who left all those notes complaining about how page after page was filled with nothing but Arab Strap lyrics!"

Celestia snorted and turned her head. “I don't have to stand here and be judged for my actions!" she called over her shoulder as she left.

"THIS ISN'T OVER SISTER!" Luna bellowed, "YOU WILL BE SEEING SEVERAL IRATE POST-ITS ON THE FRIDGE."

Twilight smiled awkwardly and wished she was buried in a deep, warm hole far out of sight.

"Now, then, Twilight, you may begin your investigation of our magnificent plot."

“From my reading, I've gathered the impression that all plots are essentially the same,” said Twilight, who, while lacking the equipment, had spent months researching in the Brown Star the Mustached wing, “filled with shit and things that you prefer not to think about.”

“We have been thinking about the cellphones quite a bit since somepony decided to publish Our number in the public square.”

“I … uh … I don’t know how to respond- wait, did you say cellphones?”

“Yes, Our sister gave Us a second one after We refused to dislocate the first. We added it to the collection.”

“That is … unusual,” Twilight said. Although her curiosity was now piqued. What wonders did this plot before her hold? Truly, a plot may be many things, even when filled with shit.

"Our plot is not unusual," Luna protested, "Our plot is very mature, like a fine wine-”

Twilight was too busy reaching her magic past the tightly clenched celestial sphincter to observe Luna's head swelling as she spoke. Her horn glimmered throbbed and extended, swelling out with magic and egotism.

“Princess,” said Twilight as she removed the modern convenience from the rear of her sovereign, “your gibberish is not helping me focus.”

Luna's head was now visibly engorged with magic, "It isn't gibberish! It is a deep, meaningful orifice that took two years to create. Our plot is worthy of worship, of endless praise."

Twilight dropped the first phone on the ground and reached back into the darkness. The cellphone had obviously been roaming, and the Unicorn leaned forward questing for it. She gritted her teeth, against the the princess's continued ranting.

"Sometimes, We lean over a mirror in the bathroom, just to inspect our plot-" The magic building up in her skull burst messily. Twilight was struck in the face by what felt like an extremely filthy snake.

There was a sudden surge, and the last thing Twilight remembered before being pulled into darkness was a horn striking her rear end.

Twilight woke in a dark, warm place. She barely had room to stand. It smelled terrible. The ground was covered in a grainy filthy which also clung to the walls and ceiling.

"Where am I?" she asked.

A great and powerful wind tore along the walls, but there was no answer in the wind. After the wind, there came a rumbling, as the walls around her shifted and vibrated, but there was no answer in the rumbling. After the rumbling, there came a great illumination, as an immense LED screen lit like fire, but there was no answer in the light. After the light, there came a gentle whisper.

"You have been sucked inside a plot hole. Princess Luna's, to be specific," called the voice.

"What, but that ..." the word nonsense wasn't enough to describe this. How could she, Twilight, be trapped in a plot?

"She suffered a Total Inverse Rectal Prolapse."

"That's just a theory!" Twilight protested.

"You are familiar with it then?"

"Of course. My readings mentioned the possibility that a Unicorn's ego could swell until the pastel-colored Universe he inhabited was no longer able to support it. A magical surge would discharge the entirety of his lower digestive system, and the sudden vacuum would create a tremendous suction that would pull him into his own anus."

"I know what it is, since I referred to it by name. You didn't have to explain it to me."

“I know I just,” Twilight paused, "who are you?"

"It's me, Pinkie Pie."

"Pinkie, where are you? How are you talking to me?"

“Interior locution."

"No," the scholar shook her head, "No. This is not the correct meaning of this phrase. No."

"Okay, maybe it is fecal resonance generated by me shouting into Princess Celestia’s butt. Does it really matter?”

"Fine." This must be a dream, Twilight thought. A dream about being sucked into another pony's anus. As soon as she woke up she was contacting a psychotherapist. "How do I get out of here?"

"You must seek out the Princess and convince her to loosen her sphincter, and you have to do it quick. You don't have long before the feebleness of the premise your trapped in starts to disintegrate.”

Twilight turned, struggling uphill. She passed forests of corn kernels the size of her body and masses of swallowed chewing gum. Finally, she found her sovereign resting quietly on a coin.

"Twilight Sparkle! How dare you interrupt Us!"

"Interrupt?"

"Our life was flashing before Our eyes. We have had a very long life, and now We're going to have to start all over again."

"But-"

Luna's mouth effortless ran over Twilight’s interjection effort, "Perhaps it is better if you are here to witness Our end. Tell me, if We don't make it back ..."

"Don't talk like that, mare," Twilight reached out a hoof boldly and clasped her companions shoulder, "we're gonna get out of this together."

“But if We don’t … if We die here, trapped in Our own plot, would you ... would you scatter Our ashes from the prow of a battleship, the flag of Equestria streaming in the sunlight, the national anthem playing in the background as the gleaming brow carves the waves."

Twilight very nearly vomited at the suggestion, “Hoof, no.”

“Oh good,” Luna sighed in relief, then became concerned again, “don’t let Our sister do it, either.”

“I’m not really sure if I could stop her.”

Luna nodded her head, now more thoughtful than ever, “Perhaps you are right, my little pony. Could anypony ever stop anything? Are we not just tennis balls rolling across the green of life, directed by the trajectory of our father’s pool cues?”

“Princess-”

But the immortal continued contemplating the pains of mortality, “Truly, we are creatures dominated only by chance. And this is the final destination of all things, we pass from womb to tomb, traveling across the taint of life in a moment.”

“Twilight, don’t you think it is time to do something?” the voice of Pinkie Pie returned to Twilight's ear.

"But she won't listen to me."

“Our mothers give birth astride of an anus, the light gleams an instant, then it's night once more!” Luna declared, jumping to her hooves and stretching one leg out before her.

"Use the feces, Twilight. Let go! You have to trust me."

Twilight looked over the bowels surrounding her. What could she possibly do with this shit?

“The pearls of our existence arc across through the air in feeble patterns, meeting the face of public opinion and separating into life and liquid. The solid to coagulate and the liquid to evaporate. And then, we are replaced within the world’s sphere. The survivors call this moving on, but-”

That was it. Twilight levitated a mealy chunk into the air and said, “Luna! Look!”

She thrust the block of excrement into her opened eye. Gritting her teeth as the filth ground against her cornea and smeared like filthy eye shadow.

“Brown eye,” she gasped, collapsing to her knees and blinking her eyes in pain.

Princess Luna stared in shock. “Twilight, that was not only not funny, but it was disgusting and unhygienic.”

“Somepony has to do something,” cried Twilight. The reality of the situation was setting in.

“Now you’re going to die, and the last thing you did was shove feces in your eye and make a joke about plotholes. How does that make you feel?” The Alicorn towered over the fallen Unicorn.

Twilight shoulders shook with barely repressed sobs, her gaze locked on the ground. There was no hope. Luna towered over and around her reprovingly, and she had never felt so small and alone. She had humiliated and hurt herself for nothing.

The Princess of the Night's gaze softened as she saw a single tear fall from the face of the young Unicorn.

"I feel ..." Twilight sniffled, "shitty.”

A moment later the two ponies were standing in the royal parlor, their coats matted with feces.

Twilight looked up at Luna with her good eye, “Princess did you-”

“Of course not." The Princess of the Night tossed her head back and let her mane flow majestically in the air. "I am royal and above such crude punchlines. Although, you have rendered the Kingdom a great service, which shall never be mentioned again.”

“Agreed.”

“Also, you should see a doctor about your eye. That can’t have been healthy.”

“There is one favor I’d like to ask … since I helped you, and it would certainly help me forget about what just happened.”

“Anything, Twilight.”

Spike stood before the bathroom. The door was open, because that was the sort of relationship he had with his roommate. A weird one.

He glanced inside, and saw Twilight sitting on the low bowl. “What are you doing? That’s not how you use the toilet.”

“It is now,” Twilight's contented sigh almost covered the sound of a wet plop.

And that's how Twilight Sparkle discovered shit.