R. Lee Ermey In Ponyville

by Fizzydog

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Angel, Fluttershy, Random, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Pinkie Pie, Crossover
Length: 1464

R. Lee Ermey wakes in Ponyville. Hilarity ensues.

WARNING: EXTREME LANGUAGE AND HOMOPHOBIC/RACIST SLURS. The views expressed by my characters are not my views. If you're easily offended by a piece of comedy, don't read. If you complain about it being offensive, then you're obviously not listening to me.

We're on Chapter 1. The majority of the major characters ahve not appeared yet. If this goes against the site rules, inform me and I will edit accordingly.

R. Lee Ermey wakes with a splicing headache. Where is he? He'll soon find out.

R. Lee Ermey crashed into Ponyville.

Join Ermey and the mane 6 as they work through a series of wacky adventures comparable to absolutely horrendous movies like 'Click', 'Jack and Jill' and 'AnyAdamSandlerMovieEverMade'. A completely nonsensical, fic. Written for the pure enjoyment of those mindless sheep who watch Fox News and Family Guy. Sorry Adam Sandler, Fox News and Family Guy fans. But your sense of comedy is just as terrible as mine. So we're all together in this one.

Published 2012-01-01 21:24:18 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-01 21:24:18 UTC

Chapter Uno

The drill sergeant turned superstar actor slowly regained his sense. As he opened his eyes, his hazy sight only gave him view of complete darkness. Sitting up, R. Lee Ermey's vision cleared and he could fully tell he was inside what was a helicopter of some sort. Lee thought for a minute, asking himself what he was doing inside a crashed helicopter. No thoughts came to mind; the last thing he could remember was eating dinner with some sort of important figure. Nothing else.

Looking around, Ronald was treated to the sight of the winged things pilot, dead on the floor.

Ronald of course was not ready to be pushed around by petty things like corpses, and decided to leave the vehicle ASAP. A very small ray of light protruded from the metal door of the destroyed chopper, which Ermey naturally slammed open. Well, slammed is not much of a word, seeing as how the second he touched it the thing dropped with a loud bang onto the ground.

Stepping out into the bright sunlight, Ermey was hit with almost an unimaginable whiff of fresh air. Even when he wasn't surrounded by the sweet exhaust of tanks and jeeps, the freshness was almost unreal. The scent was pure, perfect, untainted.

"Makes me sick." Ronald spat on the ground, and surveyed the surrounding landscape. This was truly namby pamby land, with a gigantic, flowery meadow spread at his feet, beautiful, snow capped mountains deep in the distance surrounded by untouched pine tree forests. And, most notably, the wildlife. Rabbits, birds, squirrels, mice. All unfazed by the giant mess of twisted metal, simply going about in there business. Of course, the pink haired, yellow horse-pony whatever the hell you call it thing slowly approaching him was eye catching, but certainly he wasn't going to be interested in such girly things. Not even with the knowledge that it's mane and fur were impossible colors.

Ermey turned around and inspected the destroyed helicopter. Nothing that struck any memories as to how he got to this place was hidden in the destroyed helicopter. Not a single thing.

And for the first time in God know's when, he was startled by a sudden voice from behind. Sweet and silent, the kind a wuss who would live in a childish place would have. "Oh, you poor thing!"

R. Lee Ermey flipped around, whipping out a small pocketknife he had conveniently stashed in his left pocket. But to his surprise, there was absolutely positively no one there. Nothing but the laughable yellow pony, which slowly walked backward, it's ears flattened on her head.

"Alright, enough games! Who's out here?!? One wrong move and I'll slit your throat, maggot!" Ermey screamed, moving his head back in forth in a frantic effort to find whatever fool was dumb enough to attempt to deceive R. Lee Ermey.

Ermey's sense of reality broke down as the yellow pony opened it's mouth, forming noise by the art of shifting the tongue, lips and teeth to forge various syllables which in turn are put together to create a meaningful sense of communication by the use of sound.

"Oh…dear….I'm sorry….please don't hurt me…." The mare backed away with a frightened look in her eye, whimpering absolute, total fear.

The drill sergeant lowered his blade, and spoken in an awed tone. "Sweet mother of Jesus, was….was that you?"

The horrified pony shook it's head up and down, barely fighting back tears.

Ronald was too shocked the speak again. He simply put away his blade and stepped over to the crash scene. Head in palms, Ermey spoke to himself. "Well fuck me, it appears I've gotten myself into the land of the most flamboyant faggot's imagination. What's next, Pegasi that shit rainbows? A unicorn princess? Cupcakes by the dozen?"

By now, the pink haired pony had regained her posture and walked up to the angered creature, a completely new sight to her. As he was oblivious to her presence, what with the talking to himself and head buried in his palms, she took this opportunity to examine him much more closely. Obviously, the man was bipedal, but his complex design fascinated Fluttershy. He had very wrinkly, blemished skin, worse than even Granny Smith's train wreck of a body. (And that was saying a lot.) On his head was a huge, round hat, somewhat like those on the western frontier wore in cowpony movies. His clothes (surprising that other creatures wore clothes too!) were very formal, and from wherever he was, if it had authority (which she assumed it did, seeing as how he wore badges and spoke in the same language as her people), he must've been high up. Probably not the level of Princess Celestia, but maybe someone like Mayor Mare.

His mane was a very light gray color, and short. Much shorter than even the hipster ponies, who liked to grow theirs so little it barely passed their ears. Ha, it barely even came off his head, and certainly didn't even come close to his ears. He had some sort of odd object strapped to his waist, and the knife had had threatened her with (but thankfully not used) earlier, when she had approached him.

After her short examination of him, she cleared her throat. Mustering all of her courage, she asked him in a shaky voice, "Mr., um, are you…um, lost?"

Ermey looked up at the pony and shook his head. Just now he had noticed it had wings. Wings. WINGS.

"Well no shit, Sherlock. You some kind of detective? Or maybe you're Captain Obvious, here to save the day?" Ermey stood up and flicked out his knife, sharpening a small stick.

Fluttershy sighed. This man had gone past scaring her; he simply was all bark and no bite. But even so, she did not want to anger him. The Pegasus regained her composure. "Sir, if you…um…want to I guess you could stay with me?"

Honest as the flower of truth, Fluttershy did NOT want to take this man under her wing. (HAH!) But as her mother had told her when she was a filly, "Help even the rudest people, because maybe your kindness will change them." But of course, she could use him to find out more about his species and where he lives and such. They sure are curious things.

R. Lee Ermey, on the other hand, was not ready to follow a talking yellow pony to her home or wherever she lived. "Great Scott, are you shitting me? Why the fuck would you expect me to follow you? Why in the good lord's name would I trust something I've never seen before to take care of me? Fuck, I bet you're just planning to rape me or some shit? Is that your plan, scumbag? That what you're plotting? Cause I'll shove this blade down your throat before you can get your dirty hooves near me. "

Fluttershy stared at him , taking his words personally. "I would never! Mr., I'm sorry if…um….if I scared you. I really just wanted to h-help….I'm sorry…" Fluttershy turned around and slowly walked towards the forest in defeated shame.

For the first time in his life, R. Lee Ermey's heart thawed. Jokes, no it didn't. But he did realize he was starving and in the middle of a land with talking Pegasi. Staying out alone at night, even if he slept in the helicopter with the gone driver, would be an extremely dangerous feat. He was a drill instructor, who put the tough in tough-hearted (also while taking out the heart), and he could risk staying with this obviously weak son of a gun. He could take a million of her. Hell, a million and one.

"Pony! You just wait one goddamn second! I'll come with ya, alright, but if you try even one thing, I will cut your legs off and shove 'em up y-"

Fluttershy embraced him mid speech in an enthusiastic hug. "Yayayayayayayay! Oh, we have so much to talk about! But let's get you warm and fed! You must be starving."

Ronald cracked a smile for a second, an extremely rare feat for this hardened war lover, but turned dead serious again. "Alright alright, get off me you maggot! And remember: no funny business!"

In the ten minutes Fluttershy had talked to this man, she had grown used to his anger and language. None of it was personal, at least in her opinion. It was simply how he talked. The words still gave her a pang of hurt, but not as much as when she originally met him.

"Alright, follow me to my cottage!" With that, Fluttershy happily skipped down the dirt rode to her humble adobe, the confused drill sergeant trailing behind.