Chapter I: Coltfriend Conundrums
The Mystery Shack was slow, in terms of business. A light orange colt was using his magic to clean a jar full of fake eyeballs, spraying it with a cleaner before wiping it with a dirty rag. He could see his short, blue mane slightly poking out from underneath a brown baseball cap with a star on it. Dipper sighed as he looked to his sister, Twist, a cream colored filly with a poofy scarlet mane, large glasses, and a pink sweater. She was hiding behind a countertop, watching a grey colt pick up a folded piece of paper next to him. The filly giggled as she whispered to nopony in particular, "He's looking at it, he's looking at it!"
Just as Twist said, the colt unfolded the piece of paper and read it out loud, saying, "Will you go out with me? Yes… definitely… absolutely?" He looked around for the pony who left the note, who happened to be hiding in front of him. She giggled some more and said, "I rigged it." Dipper finished cleaning the counter where the jar of eyes was and said, "Y'know, I know you're going through your whole 'colt crazy' phase, Twist, but I think you're putting too much emphasis on the crazy part." Twist rolled her eyes and said, "Psssh, no I'm not!" Her unicorn brother gave a bored look and deadpanned, "You've flirted with every colt since we've gotten here."
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Twist was standing next to a green unicorn with a brown mane and said, "Hi, I'm Twist, but you can call me the mare of your dreams…" The colt uncomfortably shifted and opened his mouth to speak when Twist gave a loud laugh and yelled, "I'm joking!" She then shoved him into a nearby bracelet stand, knocking over both the bracelets and the frightened colt.
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A yellow unicorn colt with green hair was outside a large building, dressed in purple jester's clothing and holding a scepter with his magic. He shouted out, "Come one, come all, to the Mattress King's land of savings!" Twist crept out from the nearby balloons and whispered, "Take me with you…" The fake jester screamed and lost control of his magic, sending the scepter flying through one of the windows.
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"But Dipper, this is my best chance for my first epic summer romance!" Twist complained. Dipper sighed and said, "Whatever…", returning to his duties and waving nonchalantly to the store's general handycolt, a red stallion named Big Macintosh. He waved back and started climbing a ladder to check on the bobble heads that sat up on the top shelf. Dipper's twin jumped up on the recently cleaned counter and said, "Why, I wouldn't be surprised if the pony of my dreams walked through that door!" Twist pointed to the doorless threshold that their caretaker, a once famous unicorn named Trixie, had just walked through. She gave a sound of disgust as her brother chuckled at the ironic situation.
The showpony-turned-salespony brought some signs out from behind her and said, "Alright, I need one of you to hang these up in that spooky part of the forest." The twins shouted, "Not it!" at the same time. Big Mac turned to the group and said, "Uhhh… also not it." The light blue mare nudged her head to him and said, "I wasn't counting you, Big Mac." Trixie then turned to the cashier, a muddy yellow Pegasus named Daring Do and said, "Daring, put these up." Not looking away from her magazine, the Pegasus stretched her hoof out and said, "Ungh… can't… reach…" The annoyed mare then grumbled, "Fine. Eenie, meenie, miney… you." Her hoof landed on Dipper, who groaned, "But Trixie, I feel like… like I'm being watched in there. I think something lives there." The caretaker sighed and said, "Look, kid, there's nothing in the forest. Those are just stories that ponies like me made up to get other ponies to spend their money on worthless knick-knacks. Now get going." She magically threw the signs to Dipper, who caught them with his own magic. "Fine…" he mumbled, and the young unicorn set off to complete his job.
Dipper grumbled as he magically nailed the signs to the trees, saying, "Stupid Trixie, making hang up these stupid signs in this stupid, creepy forest…" He brought up the nail to yet another tree, hitting the end of it with the hammer. However, instead of going into the bark, the nail made a loud, metallic banging sound. The colt moved on, mumbling, "Stupid metal tree not letting me hang the- wait, what?" Dipper trotted back to the strange tree, curiously banging the hammer against the side. It made the same banging sound from before, making Dipper jump. He looked around on the fake tree and eventually found a slight crack on the opposite side. Using his magic, the colt easily opened up a panel to find a metal box on the inside. There were dials all over the front of it and two switches on the top. Dipper stared at the contraption, wondering about what it could do. He then clenched his eyes, expecting the worst, and flicked the one on the left. Behind him came the sound of a mechanical trapdoor opening. He turned around and saw a perfectly square hole in the ground, inside it being a maroon book. Dipper levitated it up and in front of him, where he blew the dust off of the cover. There was no title, but there was a golden hoof with the number three on it. Opening it up, the colt frowned when he found that the previous owner's name had been ripped out. Dipper flipped through the pages, finding diagrams of all different monsters and notes on them. He stopped on one page and read it out loud:
"'Unfortunately, my suspicions about strange things going on in Gravity Falls are to be true. I must hide this book before He finds it. Remember, in Gravity Falls, trust nopony.' So Trixie was lying to me…?" Dipper murmured. Suddenly, Twist popped up from behind a tree and yelled, "Whatcha reading, some nerd thing?" The unicorn stumbled back and said, "I… um… uh… nothing!" as he hid the book behind his back. His sister laughed and imitated her brother, saying, "'I… um… uh… nothing!' Haha, are you seriously not going to tell me?" Dipper looked to his side, where a goat was starting to chew on his hat. He grabbed it back with magic and said, "Let's go somewhere… more private."
"This thing is awesome!" said Dipper, now pacing in the living room. "It talks about all these different strange things that are in Gravity Falls! Also, after this one point, the pages stop, like the writer disappeared or something! I mean, this means Trixie's been lying to us!" The colt's face fell as he came to a realization. "Twist, we can't tell her about this book, alright?" The filly fell backwards off the couch arm onto the seat and said, "Alrighty. Besides, I'm gonna be busy! I've got a date tonight!" The unicorn stopped pacing and stared at his sister, saying, "You mean to tell me that, in the 15 minutes that I've been away, you've already gotten a date?" Before Twist could answer, however, the doorbell rang. She yelled, "I got it!" and ran to the door, letting her brother sit down on the couch to read the book some more. Suddenly, Trixie walked in and said, "Whatcha reading there, squirt?" Dipper quickly hid the book and grabbed the nearest magazine, saying, "I was… um… reading… Gold Chains for Stallions?" Trixie trotted over to the colt and said, "That's Big Mac's, but I've read it. It's a good issue."
Twist came cantering back with a new pony, who was wearing a large hoodie that covered everything but part of his face and his hooves. She gleefully announced, "Guys, this is my new coltfriend!" The colt struggled to lift his hoof up as he said, "I'm… uh… normal… pony…" Dipper gave a curious glance at him as Twist hugged him and said, "He means Normy. I met him over at the graveyard!" She turned to Normy and said, "Come with me, I'll show you my room!" She galloped up the stairs as her new coltfriend slammed into the sides of the threshold and followed Twist upstairs. Dipper turned to Trixie and asked, "Was that blood on his face?" The mare shrugged and said, "Meh, probably just jelly…"
Dipper was sitting in the attic, in the hole in the wall where the window was. He was flipping through the book when he stopped on the page depicting one of the monsters in Gravity Falls. He looked closer and read what was on the page.
"'Known for their bad attitudes and pale skin, zombies are usually mistaken for…' TEENAGERS?! 'Zombies are very prevalent within the Gravity Falls area!' Is my sister dating… a zombie?" The colt looked outside to see Normy advancing on his sister, groaning heavily. Each step drew a new gasp out of Dipper, and when he put his hooves on Twist, the unicorn could barely watch. However, when he backed up, there was now a ring of flowers around her neck. She looked down and said, "Dasies? Oh, you sly dog, you!" Dipper gave a sigh of relief and said, "I'm still certain she's dating a zombie…" A deep voice from behind him said, "Ah'm not so sure 'bout that." The colt whipped around and said, "Who are- oh… hey Big Mac." The stallion on the ladder nodded and said, "Not ta be a setback, but how many brains didja see tha guy eat?" Dipper looked to the floor and said, "Zero…" Big Mac stepped down from the ladder and said, "Listen, Ah believe ya, but ya gotta have proof. Like the mailmare; pretty sure she's a werepony." The colt looked up at Big Mac and said, "I… uh… thanks, man…" The red stallion stood there and said, "Mah wisdom is both a blessin' an' a curse." From downstairs, Trixie yelled, "Big Mac! The bobble heads are out of stock again!" Big Mac whispered, "Ah'm needed elsewhere." and backed into the shadows, leaving Dipper confused. He knew what he had to do though.
Dipper spent the next couple of days following Twist and Normy around, catching each moment on tape in case anything out of the ordinary happened. However, the colt only caught him falling down everywhere, only proving that Normy had a bad sense of balance. Still convinced Normy was a zombie, he decided to confront his sister about it.
As Twist was brushing her mane, Dipper flung the door to their room open and said, "Twist, we gotta talk about Normy!" His sister turned around and said, "Isn't he awesome? Look at the kiss he gave me!" The filly turned her head sideways to show a giant pink circle on the side of her face. The unicorn cringed as his twin said, "Hah, you're so gullible! It was just an accident with the leaf blower!"
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Twist hit the switch to the leaf blower as it started to suck in the air around it. She then took out a picture of Normy's face, the mouth cut out, and placed it on the end of the tube, yelling, "Kissing practice!" The filly puckered up her lips and brought them close to the picture. The leaf blower, however, had different ideas. It sucked in not only the picture, but Twist's lips as well. She flailed around, yelling, "Turn it off!"
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Twist giggled and said, "That was fun." Dipper facehoofed and said, "Twist, I'm trying to say that Normy isn't who he seems to be!" He pulled out the maroon book and Twist gasped, whispering, "Is he a vampony? That would be the BEST!" The unicorn trotted forward and said, "Think again, SHABAM!" He shoved the book to Twist, who gasped at what was on the page. Dipper took a look at the page it was on, the one about gnomes, and said, "Oh, I mean… uh… SHABAM!" He thrust the book forward again, showing Twist the page about the undead. She cocked her head and said, "Zombies? Not funny, Dipper. Not. Funny." The unicorn stammered and said, "I-I'm not trying to be funny! I mean, everything adds up! The limp, the bleeding… have you ever noticed that he doesn't blink!?" Twist sighed and said, "Maybe you're blinking at the same time as him…" Dipper shook his head and said, "Remember what the book said? Trust nopony!" His sister giggled and said, "Well, can't you trust me?" The colt had had enough. He took a magic hold of his sister and shook her while yelling, "HE'S GONNA EAT YOUR BRAINS, TWIST!" The Earth pony got out of her brother's magical grip and said, "Listen, Dipper! Me and Normy are gonna go on a date tonight, I'm going to be adorable, and I'm not gonna let your conspiracies get in the way!" She then shoved Dipper out of their room and slammed the door. Saddened, the colt slid down the wooden door, thinking about what just happened. He stared at the wall opposite him and said to himself, "What am I gonna do?"
It had already been five minutes since Twist went out on her date with Normy. Dipper was lying on the couch, reviewing his taped footage. The screen showed Normy trying to play hopscotch, but instead falling flat on his face. The unicorn sighed and said, "Maybe I am paranoid. Maybe there isn't anything going on here." He fast forwarded the tape to another scene, where Twist and Normy were standing side by side, his arm over her. However, about halfway through, the hoof of the leg around Twist's neck fell off. Making sure nopony was looking, he picked it back up and put it back on. Dipper sighed again and said, "I don't have any real evi- WAIT, WHAT WAS THAT?!"
He reminded the tape and watched the same scene again, looking in horror at the hoof falling off. The colt screamed and fell back into the chair, which tipped over and landed on its back. Dipper jumped up and ran out the door, screaming, "I was right! Trixie! Trixie!" When the unicorn reached Trixie, however, she was showing a group of tourists one of the many artifacts that she showcased.
"…and here, we have Rock-That-Looks-Like-A-Face Rock. Any questions?" she announced. Ignoring Dipper's cries, she picked another member of the audience asked, "Does it look like a rock?" The mare facehoofed and said, "No, it looks like a face." Another voice yelled out over the colt, "Is it a face?" Before Trixie could reply, however, a surge of voices came from the crowd asking about faces and rocks. The light blue unicorn finally snapped and yelled, "For the hundredth time, IT IS NOT A FACE!"
By this time, Dipper had noticed Daring Do pull up in the Mystery Shack's only golf cart. He ran to her and said, "Daring, I need to borrow the cart because Twist just went into the forest with her new coltfriend who turned out to be a zombie and he's gonna eat her brain!" There was a pregnant pause, and the heavy silence between the two was finally broken when the Pegasus smirked, tossed the keys to Dipper, and trotted away, yelling, "Try to not hit anypony!" The colt jumped into the driver's side and wrapped the seatbelt around him before backing out and driving off to where his sister was going to have her date.
Meanwhile, the two lovers had finally reached their destination. Twist spun around and said, "Yes, we're all alone! Away from my brother!" Normy stumbled behind her and said, "Uh… Twist… now that we've gotten to know each other, I… um… I've got something to tell you…" The filly spun around, her eyes wide, and said, "You can tell me anything, Normy!" However, a whisper went through her head that said, "Please be a vampony, please be a vampony, pleeeeeeaaaaase be a vampony!" Normy fiddled with his jacket zipper and said, "A-alright… j-just keep an open mind, o-okay?" He then pulled it down and took the jacket off, revealing that he was actually five gnomes. Twist's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped as the gnome on top said, "Is, uh, is this too much? You need a seat or something?" The filly backed up slowly and said, "Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, ohmigosh…" Not paying attention to the shocked foal, the gnome continued. "So… gnomes. Yep. That's what we are. Basically, we're lookin' for a new queen! My name's Jeff, and these ar-"
At that moment, Twist had finally gained back her voice. She interrupted Jeff, saying, "Look… you guys… you're cute and all, but… I'm a pony, and you're gnomes, and… well… you get the gist, right?" The gnome, a sad look on his face, stared at the ground and said, "Alright… we'll never forget you…" The filly stood tall, a beaming smile on her face. Jeff suddenly brought his face up and said, "Because we're going to kidnap you." Twist's face fell as she said, "Wait, what?" Before she could say anything else, though, the gnomes launched themselves at her and began to drag her away.
"C'mon, go faster you stupid cart!" yelled Dipper as he sped along the dirt path leading to the forest. His cap had fallen off a few yards back, but his sister was more important than covering up his head, among a few other things. Eventually, he reached the clearing where Twist and Normy were supposed to be. Instead of finding the two ponies, though, the clearing was devoid of any life. Dipper fell out of the golf cart and said, "No… I was too late…" He bent down to the ground, tears in his eyes, when he saw something out of place. Not only were there two sets of hoof prints, but one of them seemed to be replaced by what looked like an extremely small pair of clown shoes. The unicorn wiped the tears from his eyes and got back in the cart, following the trail of new prints into a much smaller clearing, where Twist was fighting off an army of gnomes. She saw Dipper and yelled, "Dipper! Normy turned out to be a group of gnomes, and they're all JERKS!" She turned around and bucked two of them in the face as five more knocked her to the ground. One of the gnomes that got kicked landed on his feet next to a tree. He proceeded to lean against the tree and start puking up rainbows. The colt stood there, bewildered, and asked, "What is going on here?" Jeff, who had just finished helping the rest of the gnomes tie up Twist, stood up on a rock and said, "Oh, it's nothing major. Twist here is just marrying all 1,729 of us and becoming our Gnome Queen for the rest of time. Isn't that right, Twist?" The filly writhed in her bonds and yelled, "You guys are all FLANKFACES!" Ignoring her outburst, the gnome continues on. "You see…"
As Jeff went on in his monologue, Dipper trotted back to the cart and levitated it over to the gnome. He stopped in mid-sentence as the unicorn crammed the shovel underneath him and flipped him over on his head. Dipper then used the edge of the tool and cut the miniature ropes holding Twist. The twins galloped to the cart, he in the driver's seat and her in the passenger's, buckled up, and drove away.
Now free from the gnomes, Dipper slowed the cart down enough that the wind was barely blowing in his mane. Twist turned to him and said, "Go faster! What if they catch up?" The colt chuckled and said, "I doubt they'll catch up with their stubby little legs…" BOOM! The ground shook as Dipper slammed on the brakes and the twins looked behind them. A bigger version of the gnomes they saw, made up of the gnomes themselves, loomed over the cart, leaving it in its shadow. Twist gasped as Dipper said, "Oh my Celestia…" On top was Jeff, who yelled, "Alright, just as we practiced!" The gnome giant lifted up one of its arms as the cart revved its engine. Just as the fist was going to hit the cart, though, Dipper let go of the brake, sending the cart flying off the side of a mountain, right into a sign that said, "Welcome to Gravity Falls!" The cart impacted the ground and bounced across the new dirt road, the giant in hot pursuit. Twist looked back at it and yelled, "Look out!" as the behemoth ripped a tree from the ground and flung it ahead of the twins, blocking their path. The foals screamed as Dipper slammed on the brakes, sending the cart spinning out underneath the tree and crashing into the parking lot of the Mystery Shack. The twins climbed out of the wrecked cart as the gnome giant clambered over the tree and cornered them against the building. The foals looked at each other as Dipper said, "Where's Trixie?! Doesn't she see this?"
Trixie was inside the Mystery Shack, showing a group of ponies what looked like a black and white swirled lollipop with a string coming off of it. She pulled the string, causing the swirling part to spin, and announced, "I present to you the most distracting thing in Equestria! Just try to look away!" The crowd's smiles turned to frowns as they realized they couldn't look away. Among those frowning was Trixie herself, who said, "What was I saying?"
Back outside, Jeff shouted out, "Come on, Twist, don't make us do something we'll regret!" Dipper stood there, repeatedly asking, "What're we gonna do, what're we gonna do, what're we gonna do?" Eventually, Twist trotted past her brother with a serious look on her face and said, "I gotta do it, Dipper." The unicorn snapped out of his trance and said, "What? No, you can't!" The filly turned to her brother and whispered, "Just this once, trust me!" Dumbfounded, Dipper backed away from his sister, not all that excited about what might happen.
Jeff, however, had already climbed down and taken a dark blue box out, holding it in front of Twist. She opened it to find a hoof-sized golden ring with clear crystals topping it off. The gnome put it on her hoof and said as his new queen admired her jewelry, "Well, now that that's done, I guess we'll be on our way." Before he could walk back to the giant, Twist, still staring at her ring, said, "You may now kiss the bride." Jeff stopped in mid-stride as he walked back to the filly and said, "Well then, don't mind if I do…"
The two closed their eyes and puckered their lips. When they were close, however, Twist grabbed the leaf blower from behind her and turned it on, sucking a confused Jeff up. "That's for lying to me!" the filly shouted as the gnome struggled to get out of the tube. She cranked the power to maximum in reverse, tightening the grip on Jeff as the Earth pony yelled, "That's for kidnapping me!" Dipper's face broke into a wide grin as Twist aimed the leaf blower at the giant, which frowned when it realized its fate. The filly finally yelled, "And THIS is for messing with my brother!" She turned to her brother and said, "Ready? One, two, three, GO!" The twins rammed the power switch from reverse to forward as Jeff shot out of it as if it were a cannon, smacking into the giant and sending gnomes flying everywhere. The ones that weren't already launched into the forest were blown away by Dipper, who was given the leaf blower by his sister.
The twins stood in front of the Mystery Shack, leaves scattered in their manes. Twist was the first to speak. She scuffed the ground with her hoof and said, "Hey, um, Dipper… I'm sorry I ignored your advice. I guess you were just looking out for me." Dipper chuckled and said, "You saved our flanks back there! Don't be like that!" The filly took a couple leaves out of her hair and played with them as she said, "I guess I'm just a bit sad that my first coltfriend wasn't a vampony…" Her brother put a hoof on her shoulder and said, "Hey, maybe your next one will be." Twist smiled as she brushed her unicorn brother's hoof off her shoulder. After another bout of silence, Dipper said, "Awkward sibling hug?" Twist shrugged and replied, "Awkward sibling hug." The two pulled each other into a loving embrace before giving blanks stares and patting each other's backs, deadpanning, "Pat pat."
Suddenly, there was a bright flash as Twist gasped. She let go of her brother, letting him drop to the ground as she yelled, "Dipper! Your cutie mark!" The unicorn glanced at his flank to see that the blank spot on his flank was now occupied with a golden hoof, much like the one on the book. His grin went wide as he shouted, "YES!
The bell tinkled and in walked the distraught twins as Trixie counted the bits she made that day, a big smile across her face. She took a quick glance at the two and asked, "Hey, what happened to you two, you get hit by a bus or something?" The mare laughed at her own joke, but the unamused foals kept on walking. Feeling kind of bad, Trixie said, "H-hey, wouldn't you know, I accidentally overstocked some inventory. Why don't you guys take something from the gift shop, free of charge." The two turned around as Dipper asked, "What's the catch?" Trixie returned to counting her bits and grumbled, "Do it before I change my mind, now get going!" The twins set about the store, looking for something to keep. Dipper found a nice hat and jacket combo. The white and blue hat had a blue pine tree silhouette on the front of it, and the navy blue jacket covered his cutie mark nicely.
"…and I will have a GRAPPLING HOOF!" came the cry from the back of the room. The two unicorns turned their eyes to Twist, who had what seemed to be a mechanical claw on the end of her hoof. Trixie placed her bits in the bit register next to her and asked, "Don't you want something else, like, a doll or a sweater?" The filly activated the tool, which shot up and wrapped itself around the beam above. The three laughed at the situation as Twist repeated, "Grappling hoof!"
It was late at night, but the twins were wide awake. Twist was bouncing on the bed, playing around with her grappling hoof, while Dipper was looking through the maroon book at the different entries by the lantern's light. Eventually, he came to a blank page. Getting an idea, he magically picked up a pen and began to write a new entry:
When I first found this book, there was an entry that told me that, in Gravity Falls, there was nopony I could trust. However, when you fight a thousand gnomes side by side with your sister, I guess there can be some exceptions made. There's a lot of things in this town that I'm ready to discover, but I won't be doing any of it without my sister Twist.
Dipper put the pen down on the desk and said, "Hey Twist, you mind putting out the lights?" The unicorn's sister nodded and aimed the grappling hoof at the lantern. She shot it, causing both the lantern and the hook to fly out the window. "It worked!" called out Twist, and the two foals laughed before laying down in their beds.
Meanwhile, downstairs, Trixie was walking back to her room when she stopped next to the vending machine. Making sure nopony was looking, she tapped a sequence of buttons on the keypad, which caused the machine to reveal a secret basement. The mare trotted in, looked around again, and closed the door behind her. Not even a few seconds later, the lights in the machine flickered and went out.
