Equestrian Roulette: Chapter 1 - Out With A Bang!
Pinkie bounced excitedly around Sugarcube corner, waiting for the clock to strike six. Twilight was having a slumber party and they were all invited. Mr and Mrs Coke were delicately dividing up lines of icing sugar with a razor blade. Mr Coke swiftly inhaled one of the lines and began blinking and shaking his head madly.
“I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE!” he screamed and began to bash his head against the floor.
Mrs Coke snorted a line of her own. “OH MY GOD, I’M MOVING AT SUPER SPEEDS! I AM THE FLASH!” She began racing around the table and hyperventilating.
“Looks like I have to go now, Mr and Mrs Coke. I’ll see you tomorrow! Say goodnight to Rum ‘n Coke and Vodka ‘n Coke for me!”
Pinkie left the shop as the couple scrambled to their hooves. “WHO WAS THAT!?” shouted Mrs Coke.
“I SEE! PRETENDING YOU DON’T KNOW WHO SHE IS ARE YOU!? I BET SHE’S YOUR MISTRESS!”
“JUST SHUT UP AND EAT MY DAMN COOKIES!”
The two of them hurled themselves at each other and began making out on the floor as Pinkie galloped gleefully towards Twilight’s library. She tapped away on the door which was answered by Spike, who had a weather vane on his head.
“Hey Spike! You’re here for the slumber party too?”
“Sorry Pinks. Twilight said I have to do this experiment for her to find out which wind direction affects arousal the most so she can better place her fan in the summer. I might be here later if there are any really strong gusts.”
“Okie Dokie Chicken Chokie! I’ll see you some other time, Spike!”
Pinkie bounded in to see the rest of her friends sat on large cushions in a circle. Rainbow Dash had her hoof stuck in a bear trap while Twilight was furiously taking notes.
“Hmm… this is interesting…” she commented as she tightened the bolts on the trap with her magic, Rainbow Dash screeching in agony. “There’s a direct correlation between the grip of the bear trap and the volume of noise made by Rainbow Dash. Fascinating…”
“Just get it off me!” Rainbow screamed, and the lavender unicorn complied, wrenching the bear trap off her leg. She then levitated over a bottle of medical alcohol and splashed it over the gaping wound.
“Looks like my hypothesis was correct. Alcohol added directly to a flesh wound causes indescribable agony. I must make a note of this…”
“Why do you keep doing experiments on me?!” the cyan pegasus screeched.
“Oh Rainbow Dash, I do experiments on all my friends to learn the power of friendship. Why, just last week Fluttershy helped me discover the correlation between the number of hugs and levels of happiness. And the week before that Applejack helped me learn about the effects of soothing bath oils. Fair is fair, Dash. I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t treat my friends equally.”
“Ah thank ye for the bath oils Twilight,” Applejack interjected. “Only I think mah brother done stole some of it. There ain’t none missin’ and the bottle hasn’t moved since ah last saw it and he’s been out of town the whole time I’ve had it, but ah just have mah suspicions that he’s up to somethin’.”
“So what games are we gonna play?” Pinkie asked excitedly. “Pin the tail on the pony? Pass the parcel? Or how about a drinking game like ‘I have never’?”
“Sorry,” said Twilight. “Every time we play ‘I have never’ Rarity ends up drinking half her body weight in cider. Last time was a real pain asking Rainbow Dash to carry her home. Instead, I was thinking of playing a game I’ve read about in one of my books. It’s called ‘Equestrian Roulette’, and according to the rules we need a revolver.”
“Ooh! I’ll be the revolver!” Pinkie exclaimed as she began to spin around wildly. “See? I can revolve all day!”
“No, Pinkie. It means a gun like this.” Twilight revealed a Single Action Army from behind her back and laid it out in front of her. “It says we have to put in a bullet, spin the chamber, point it at ourselves and pass it on to the next pony. Doesn’t sound too complicated. Or we could play the six bullet version. Youngest goes first, right? Rainbow Dash?”
“NO!” Rainbow Dash bellowed. “One bullet, one bullet!”
“OK, suit yourself. One bullet in the chamber.”
“I’ll go first, darling,” Rarity chimed. Twilight put one bullet into the chamber and Rarity slid the revolver between her lips.
“Um, Rarity?” Fluttershy whispered. “I think you’re supposed to aim it near your head.”
“My mistake, dear.” Rarity pulled the revolver up and put it to her temple, then pulled the trigger. There was a faint click, then the gun was passed to Applejack. Without hesitation, she stuck the barrel of the gun down her throat and pulled the trigger with her tongue. The gun was then passed to Twilight.
“Twilight, this really isn’t a good idea,” pleaded Rainbow Dash. “We should really stop.”
“Oh hush now,” Twilight said. “If anything gets out of hoof I’m sure we can handle it.”
She aimed the gun at her temple and pulled the trigger. There was a loud BANG, and everyone shrieked in horror as Twilight fell to the floor. Applejack quickly leapt to her side.
“Twi? Twi?! Please get up Twi… Ah won’t let whoever did this to you get away with it… Ah have a feelin’ it might be the work of that no-good stallion livin’ at Sweet Apple Acres! Somepony bring me mah punishin’ whip!”
Twilight sat up and shook her head a little. “Hmm. I didn’t realise that bullet reflection spell would take so much out of me.” She casually slid another bullet into the chamber. “Your turn Fluttershy.”
“Oh… no… that bang was far too scary… I think I’ll pass. Rainbow Dash hasn’t had a turn yet.”
“Sorry Fluttershy, but it’s your turn.” Twilight floated the revolver over to the yellow pegasus. “Just spin the barrel and pull the trigger. There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
“No… really… I’m fine to not play…”
“Come on Fluttershy; we’re all in this game together.”
“No… I don’t want to… The bang will scare me.”
“Now Fluttershy, just take the gun in your hooves!”
Twilight pushed the gun towards the cowering pegasus causing her to kick out in fright. There was another loud BANG as the gun was set off, and Fluttershy dived under her pillow in fear. The rest of the ponies were looking around the room to see where the bullet had gone.
“Everypony OK?” Twilight asked.
“Super Duper!” sang Pinkie Pie. “I have this amazing new party trick where I spurt red everywhere, see?” Pinkie stood up to proudly display her bullet wound as blood gushed like a river. “Wowee! I’ve never had this much bodily fluid come out of me in one night!”
Rarity sighed and took a swig of cider. Twilight frowned. “Rarity, I told you we’re not playing ‘I have never’! Pinkie, are you sure you’re OK?”
“I’m fine! I just…” The pink pony collapsed to the floor and began convulsing wildly.
“Oh no!” screamed Twilight. “This isn’t right! The last thing I ever wanted was for one of my friends to get hurt! Somepony call an ambulance!”
Applejack charged to Twilight’s telephone and quickly input the Emergency Pony services number. “Now… what was that thar number again? Oh I remember.
“Oh one one eight, nine nine nine,
“Eight eight one nine nine,
“Nine one one nine,
“Seven two five…”
“Three.”
The phone began to ring and Applejack could hear a posh mare’s voice.
“Hello and thank you for calling the emergency services. If you are calling to claim an unfinished pizza, please press 1. If you are calling about a recent surge in clop fiction, please press 2. If you suffer from amnesia, please enter your old telephone number. If you are calling for any other reason, please hold. Remember, your call is important to us. This is your time to pay! This is your judgement day! You’ve made your sacrifice and now it’s…”
“Ah hate on hold music,” Applejack moaned.
“Yuh huh? OK. We’ll be there shortly. Bye bye now.” The receptionist slammed the phone down. “Hey new girl, looks like we’ve got an injured pony down at the library.”
“Oh boy!” Derpy cheered. “My first day as an amber lamps driver is finally underway!”
Derpy arrived on the scene not a moment too soon and burst the door open. “My amber lamps awaits!”
“Good timing,” said Twilight. “Rarity’s tongue is tired from all the mouth-to-mouth.”
“It’s not my fault she’s making me do all the work,” Rarity sighed.
Rainbow Dash was sat next to Pinkie Pie, holding her hoof and stroking her mane with tears in her eyes. “Is she gonna be OK, Derpy?”
“Of course! Detective Lieutenant Derpy is the bestest amber lamps driver and parrot medic in Ponyville! I’ll make sure she gets the best medical treatment available!”
“OK… Just be careful with her. She’s… my best friend.”
The five friends watched as Derpy carefully led Pinkie into the ambulance bed, the giggly pink mare now but a jabbering wreck. They hugged each other tearfully as Derpy drove down the street and out of sight.
“I somehow feel like I’m partly responsible,” sighed Twilight. “Oh well. Pillow fight, anyone?”
Derpy chugged her way up the road in her ambulance before coming to a gentle stop. She went round the back to where Pinkie was led and got out a large sheet of brown paper and some tape. Working quickly, she wrapped Pinkie up in the paper and slapped a big sticker on the front that said, ‘Please deliver to Ponyville hospital’. She grabbed Pinkie’s body and violently stuffed it into a nearby mail box, then drove back to the hospital, softly whistling a tune to herself.
“My work here is done!” she cheered.
