Jez North's guide to cloppers
Brass Pony: Cloppers
UK used to stand for United Kingdom but ask anybody now and they’ll tell you that it stands for Uncontrollable Klopping. It’s an often controversial subject in the brony world; sometimes even families can be torn apart by such disagreements. It’s a loaded gun of habitual psycho-philosophy wrapped up in a slather of fiery bacon. As disruptive as it is wildly mind-stretching, the world of clopping has taken the earth by storm, teasing us with the irony of a tent full of melted bread.
So what is clopping? Some of you may know it as ‘flank wangling’ or ‘plot rocketing’. Perhaps you even have a cousin who knows a man who’s witnessed clopping. Maybe there’s a clopper living under your house. They take pleasure in ransacking themselves over pictures and videos of pastel coloured cartoon ponies, often thrashing with ecstasy as they laugh at the blinkered world around them. It is thought that at any one point you are less than four miles away from a clopper, even if you live on a boat. Some might say tosh, and whipsy. But others wouldn’t.
So what can be done, and what should be done? Trying to ignore this knee-clacking phenomenon would be about as much use as a cock-flavoured condom. Instead, we here at Brass Pony speak to a wide variety of people in an effort to discover the brass facts about cloppers, as well as try to deconstruct the disco ball of madness that surrounds their clan.
So are you feeling lost and confused like a chimney bottler in a strip club? Don’t fret. Simply sit back, put your feet up and have a bite of something salty as we delve into this world. Chances are you’ll learn something.
A sub-species of the brony, cloppers can often be found in shrubs or amongst bushes. In the Victorian era, when ponies first evolved, it was noticed that some men and women would fraternize with the beasts, sitting on their backs and riding them around parks and fields and singing songs with them. These were the first known records of cloppers, although the recent discovery of cave paintings resembling Sweetie Belle with a strap-on suggests it may have been going on for far longer.
In the modern era, the word ‘clopper’ can evoke many emotions. Fear, anxiety and breathlessness are among the top seventeen that you’re likely to feel. Some bronies are completely opposed to them, while some will tolerate their existence, sometimes even sharing breathing space with them on a blimp. Our resident reporter Al Doran got chatting to Reverend Mick Barrel-Tooth and heard his views on the clop-nation.
Al: So what’s your opinion on cloppers?
Mick: It really boggles the mind because back in my day, even so much as getting aroused by a bikini-clad midwife was outlawed. These things just didn’t happen. And now we have these ‘cloppers’ as you call them, acting with the utmost depravity and giving the human race a bad name.
Al: What do you think should happen to cloppers?
Mick: Well, firstly they should be forced to give up watching ponies for life and be sent to the slaughterhouse. These are the people that ruin our economy as well as our standard of living. I think I speak for many people when I say that I’m afraid to go out at night in case I’m attacked by a clopper using Lyra plushies as boxing gloves. It wouldn’t surprise me if we saw an uprising of gangs and graffiti artists splashing rule 34 pictures across Big Ben. These are deranged, sick people we are dealing with and they must be eradicated like the cancer that they are.
Al: So what do you think causes these people to act the way they do?
Mick: Well, some of it is peer pressure or the need to feel like an individual despite the fact that they couldn’t be further from the truth. A bit like goths and emos I guess. If one person in power starts clopping then other people will want to join in, perhaps even developing new ways to perform the act and breeding amongst themselves. Overall though, I think it’s mostly down to bad schooling.
Despite having to twist our way around various riddles and anagrams bitten into the chalk throughout the British countryside, we eventually cracked one of the clopper enigma codes and managed to speak to one of the most prolific cloppers in the country. Phil E Fooler agreed to venture from his swamp to talk about his side of the story as we communicated through a microphone attached to a robot bear. He informs us that he’s been a clopper since G1 and claims that 4 minutes and 53 seconds into episode 12 of G3 is his all-time favourite scene to clop to.
Al: Do you think what you do is wrong?
Phil: Not in the slightest. Humans have explored various sexual fantasies for centuries without having to admit to some kind of fault and this is just the same. They blame us for what we do and say that we’re scum of the earth but most of them are lying to themselves about not finding ponies sexy.
Al: So why do you do what you do?
Phil: It’s our true calling in life and we wouldn’t be ourselves without it. Personally, if people have a problem with us they should really be blaming the ponies themselves for not wearing any clothes. If you went to live with an African tribe where they walk around naked it’d be rude not to look, but for some reason it’s a different story when it comes to ponies. Society itself is just strange, really. It’s desirable for a woman to shave her hair down there, but if you stop to admire a girl who just doesn’t have any hair there naturally it’s considered a crime. Madness. If these ponies are happy to walk around naked then I’m happy to look at them. Anyone who can’t see the beauty of Scootaloo’s unsullied cock trap just isn’t a man in my opinion.
So we’ve spoken to two people with opposing views, but how has clopping affected us on a global scale? In the next section we’ll discuss the lengths cloppers have gone to as well as take a look at the growing concern for child safety. Some of our articles have actually been deemed too upsetting to publish. We only do so because of a legal loophole.
In Thailand the penalties for clopping outweigh the punishments for first degree murder. Known as the celebration of Cherry Lee, convicted cloppers are rounded up on the first of every month and chained together by their arms. A government official then splits open their scrotums and plucks their baubles like grapes from a fleshy vine. The offenders are then paraded around the town in agony, leaving behind them a swirling trail of gut-wrenching mess like slugs on crack. Once they have walked thirty miles they are catapulted into a wall using an absurdly large elastic band.
There was talk of changing the law after a man convicted of clopping was later found to be innocent, but a court ruling declared that his innocence should be taken with a grain of salt. The judge said: “During a city-wide census he named Rarity as his favourite pony and claimed that Celestia was a better Princess than Luna. If that isn’t the sign of a depraved, one-off man mental then I don’t know what is.” The grieving family begrudgingly agreed with his decision.
Thailand MPs have become so terrified of the younger generation turning to clopping as a way of life that they frequently put on displays in which a pregnant horse is forced to give birth into a blender. The resulting milkshake is then distributed amongst toddlers as a reminder that mixing sex and ponies makes a rather bitter and unsightly cocktail.
In other parts of the world clopping has become properly integrated into society. On the 30th of February in New Mexico, Ohio the St. Faust’s School for Gifted Cloppers was opened to the world, actively encouraging the ‘Clop ‘til you Drop’ lifestyle which permits students to clop during class and even exams.
The school’s protocol is to reward the top scoring students with a day in the ‘pleasure room’. Here, supermodels cosplay as various ponies and allow the students to perform any acts they wish upon them. This method of student privileges has made St. Faust’s the school with the highest pass rate in the world, with 86% of students scoring top marks in every exam they take. Most graduates attain a six figure salary within 6 months of leaving.
The school still upholds traditional Christian ideals, despite making some changes to the bible such as the phrase ‘faith, clop and charity.’ They are told that in heaven, they will be approached by the great and powerful Trixie who can perform a spell on them that allows orgasms to last for centuries. Many speculate that this spell is the reason why Celestia is always smiling.
So what of clopping in our own country? There was a recent scandal over a popular brony site called ponyfarm.org/asm. The game features a recreation of Ponyville with all of its characters and tasks the player with helping ponies out with their problems. However, two weeks ago some loose wiring caused a glitch spot in the cyber dome, drastically altering the ponies’ behaviour. Instead of going about their normal lives they would indulge in sordid sexual acts, flashing their unmentionables like a lonely step-sister. This site was visited by thousands of children across the country with devastating results. Our correspondent spoke to Clark Clarkson, a man whose son had accessed the site.
Clark: My son Tommy sat at the dinner table one evening looking sad and depressed. I asked him what was wrong and he just bursts into tears, screaming “I want to live with Applejack! I want to help her at the farm!” I told him that Applejack wasn’t real and he just screamed even more. Later I found him with his face pressed against the screen of the laptop, licking it and kissing it. I tried to get him to stop but just wouldn’t listen. Anyway… this went on for about three days and… then I tried calling for him and there was no answer. I went in his room and I find he’d pushed his penis through the laptop screen and out the other side. He was bleeding everywhere, but he just kept on smiling. I took him to the hospital but it was… it was too late. The doctor pronounced that he’d died of erective fatigue.
The owners of the pony farm website have since taken it down as they received threatening letters demanding them to explain how something like this could possibly have happened. A spokesperson said:
“I
Just
Don’t
Know
What
Went
W
R
O
N
G”
There was also a report of a young man who clopped himself to death. Patrick Pele Peterson was reportedly pounding his parson over pictures of Pinkie Pie parading her privates passionately and popping ping pong balls in Prague. The biggest and most destructive ‘P’ came when he came, and discovered that he was actively pumping out every fluid in his body. This lead to almost an hour of painful agony and agonising pain as he was left screaming and spurting like a mad fireman. The coroner deduced that he had a case of ‘bubble-bod’, where masses of air bubbles appear throughout the body instead of blood vessels and organs. He says that if Patrick was split open it would look much like the insides of a mint aero. Scientists say that there have been no records of this happening when anybody watched regular pornography, so the only possibility is that cloppers are different from the rest of us.
Those are just clopping incidents that have gone on record. Clopping accidents that we know nothing about have also increased, with estimates ranging between fifteen and ten billion, which is 40% higher than the estimates made a year ago. We estimate that these estimates will continue to increase as time goes on.
We’re looking for your help, too. We’ve received reports of a serial clopper disguised as a barn. He’s said to be trawling the fields of East Hampton looking for innocent mares. If you’ve seen him, please do call. Also be on the look-out for a giant clopper wandering Sussex. He’s said to have left a trail of upturned cars and is terrifying everyone, including the Territorial Army.
So what is the verdict on cloppers? Do they deserve the right to live among us? You should be able to tell me that if you’ve been paying attention, but if not, just remember this piece of sobering food for thought. Nearly half of all death related crimes in the past few minutes are the direct result of clop dealers forcing Braeburn X Applejack posters onto people’s faces with such force, that their heads are now classed as internal organs.
So remember, if a pony does take your fancy, just push those feelings deep down inside and keep a bottle of assorted medication handy just in case your urges take over and you need to euthanize yourself for the good of the people. And if you suspect someone you know is a clopper, stay calm. They say cloppers can smell fear from eighteen yards away. Simply lure them into a cage with a trail of romance fan fiction and call the police.
And if you don’t think I’m qualified to tell you what to do, remember this. I used to be a clopper. That is, until I shot my own cock off. I can tell you this now; watching Rainbow Dash get eaten out by the Wonderbolts isn’t half as entertaining when you’re missing your third leg. Perhaps you should try it.
Good night.
“Twilight? What are you watching?”
Twilight jumped at the voice, accidentally increasing the volume on her laptop. “It’s… uh… nothing, Spike!”
“Hang on a second… You were watching humans, weren’t you?”
Twilight sighed in defeat. “OK, I admit it. I’m a broman. Go ahead and laugh.”
“Oh I don’t mind, Twilight. You should be able to watch whatever you want.”
Twilight smiled. “Why thank you, Spike.”
“I mean, it’s not as if you look at human porn or anything like that, is it?”
“No… no…” Twilight laughed nervously, closing the tab with her diligentart profile. “That would be weird…”
