Trixie sat in her caravan with all the restraint of an anxious filly awaiting her mother’s teat. Beside her lay an enchanted deck of cards, before her set a table on which she was drumming her hooves, and somewhere in her future was the only thing she had thought about for over a year … revenge on Twilight Sparkle.
The thought had dominated her mind, despite the fact that she hadn't even known the name of the purple pony when she first left town. Still, ponies go crazy over silly things, like the sort of things ponies go crazy over.
"Go crazy! Goke Razee! Coker ay zee!" That phrase sounded kind of funny when she repeated it.
Trixie applied an iron grip to herself as the door opened. She reclined backwards casually before Twilight entered the small space with all the glamor one would expect from a lowly bookworm.
“Alright, Trixie, what is it this time?”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie simply wishes to bury the hatchet, that’s all,” the mare smiled politely.
Twilight stepped back and scowled. No. This was wrong. The azure Unicorn wasn’t interested in burying hatchets anywhere that wasn’t Twilight's back. Fortunately, the showpony had terrible aim and Spike was mostly ax-proof.
Seeing the suspicious face before her, Trixie frowned. “Let’s play a friendly game of cards. You know what poker is, don’t you, Twilight?”
“Yes, of course I know what poker is, and it is a game which is played frequently in Equestria despite rarely being mentioned in public. This is certainly not an effort to wedge a personal hobby of alien viewers into the narrative in order to pander to them.”
“Of … course … not?” Trixie wasn’t sure how to respond to the openly insane ravings of her fellow Unicorn, but this was par for the course. Golf is another game that ponies play. “You may deal first, since you’re the challenger.”
“Actually, you challenged me,” replied Twilight, lifting a long scroll with either gibberish or some foreign language written on it. The purple Unicorn had no idea what these scrolls meant, only that if she didn’t come out to this caravan after receiving one, she would have to deal with her apparent rival following her and declaring victory for days.
“It is Trixie's caravan, that makes you the challenger. Now deal the cards.”
Twilight magically shuffled the cards, not noticing the pink glow that surrounded them as she placed five cards each before her and the insane pony.
She barely repressed her desire to squeal as she levitated her cards before her. A full house on her first hoof? This would be the shortest confrontation yet.
Trixie, on the other hoof, only glowered at a mixed batch of gibberish. She kept her Ace of Hearts and slid the other four cards into the discard pile. Her next draw was no good either, leaving her with only the Ace of Hearts to play.
After she had laid her single face card face-up on the face of the table opposite Twilight's full house, the entire deck shined brilliantly pink. Trixie's pointed hat floated into the corner, illuminated with the same glow as the cards.
“Wait, what does that mean,” asked Twilight, her ears lowering as she felt a dreadful premonition.
“For every hoof you lose, you must discard an article,” Trixie allowed a pause, smiling and licking her lips, “of clothing.”
“But I’m already naked, and you’ve only got your cape left.”
“Hm... Well, if you think you can’t win another hoof against the Great and Powerful Trixie, then just say so. She will happily chalk up another victory over the weakling Twilight Sparkle.”
“What are you going on,” Twilight sighed and shook her head, “whatever. Just deal and let’s get this over with.”
Trixie smiled as she slid Twilight’s cards across to her. Her mouth was starting to look like an "Insert Hoof Here" slot. Just one cheap shot, rattle a few teeth loose. Maybe she'd finally shut up.
The purple Unicorn tried her best to preserve her expression against the pair of twos that dominated her hand, especially when Trixie didn’t discard anything.
Three more cards brought her nothing to work with, and Twilight was prepared to concede her defeat when the pink glow of the cards lit again. This time the pink glow surrounded the scholar's hoof, and the cuticle detached from her effortlessly. It floated calmly over to the corner and lay beside the starry hat.
“Wait! What just-” Twilight stared down at her stump in confusion. She didn't see her cornet band hanging loose and torn. She didn't see blood spurting from her sudden wound. She didn't even feel any pain. In place of her hoof, there was just a smooth area of naked flesh that almost demanded to be touched. Twilight swallowed with difficulty and forced her eyes back to Trixie.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie can only guess that the cards found something to strip you of,” said the other Unicorn.
“Give it back! This is not what I agreed to!”
“The cards do what they will,” sighed Trixie, stroking the weathered deck, “if you want your hoof back you’ll have to win the game. Whichever pony wins will get all the lost articles.”
Twilight swallowed, forcing the stump away from her face, although she didn't have the courage to feel the floor through that bare flesh. Instead she shuffled the cards, trying not to think of the word "hoof" as she lifted hers before her face. Fine, if that’s the way it has to be. She could still win this. Just have to beat her one more time to get her cape, and then ... reattach the cuticle somehow.
She had a pair of Kings. Ditching the other three cards, she got another King. Three of a kind, that’s good. Twilight cracked neck before laying down her cards, only to see her opponent smile smugly.
Six, seven, eight, nine, ten, and the face of her own brother on the Jack of Clubs. Twilight lifted her forelegs in defense as a tingling sensation stole over her neck and back. Forgetting to mind her missing hoof, she accidentally brushed the flesh against her fur and nearly vomited at the strange sensation she felt through her skin. Her effort was in vain as her mane lifted off her body, leaving naked skin behind.
As Twilight was in the process of losing her third hoof in a row, and who knew which body part, when she noticed something strange. Before Trixie lifted her cards off the table, her horn glimmered slightly as if she were casting a spell.
Also the azure mare kept ducking her head under the table, and this deck only seemed to have 26 cards in it.
“You’re cheating!” Twilight tried to protest, but her mouth was in the process of lifting away from her face. She sucked air in and out of her nostrils desperately. Could she die in this game? What if she never got her mouth back, how would she eat? Her tongue pushed along the inside of her now closed face in confusion, now finally driving her stomach to the breaking point. However, she no longer had an orifice for her dinner to escape from.
“Were you trying to say something, Sparkle?” asked Trixie casually, “No? Okay, it is your turn to deal.”
Twilight glared in rage. Fine then, two can play at that game. This time, as Twilight shuffled the cards with her magic, she skimmed their faces, nudging them into a pattern.
This time, it was Twilight’s turn to sit smug, or as smug as she could be without a mouth, behind her cards while Trixie tried to make good against the impending disaster.
Trixie grumbled as she lost and the pink glow of the cards carried her cape over to the corner. Another defeat at the hands of Sparkle. However, she found herself unable to turn from the table, as the deck reorganized itself and came to rest before her.
“What, but … I- I- The Great and Powerful Trixie means, the game should be over.”
The cards however only sat there, glaring up at her hypnotically.
Against her will, the azure Unicorn began picking up the cards and laying them down. This wasn't what she'd planned. What was supposed to be a casual humiliation had turned into a battle for the death. It wasn't fair that she should have to play for the same stakes as her opponent. Not fair at all!
The two mares stared at each other across the table, driven to self-destruction by their own weapons.
Twilight lost the rest of her right foreleg to Trixie's Straight Flush. After Twilight's Royal Flush beat Trixie's Four of a Kind Aces, the azure Unicorn's nostrils floated across the room and lay on the ground like a pair of snorting black holes. She hung her jaw open to breath. A particularly suspicious Five of a Kind from Twilight left Trixie without her ears. The removed flaps of skin flapped on the ground like dying fish.
The two ponies hardly looked at their cards, glaring directly at one another as the pieces of paper flew across the table like missiles. This was no longer a card game. This was war. War as in ruthless fighting, not War as in the card game. Twilight leaned her chest against the table, Three Pair floating before her. Opposite her, Trixie stood on two trembling legs with Two Three of a Kind.
Trixie writhed, blind and legless on the ground. Her beautiful mane and tail were gone. Her horn and magic with them. The floor felt rough under her naked skin. But she still had her mouth, thank Trixie that she could still speak. Also, the resonance of her voice in her head allowed her to hear herself talk. That was the most important thing, she reflected.
“Twilight, you nag! Deal already! Or have you dealt? The Great and Powerful Trixie can't see anymore, so she doesn't know.”
There was no response.
"You can't flee from me, Twilight Sparkle! I am the Great and Powerful Trixie, who defeated the Ursa Major, who has amazed and baffled ponies from Baltimare to Las Pegasus, who was once called pretty by Fancy Pants! Fancy Pants called the Great and Powerful Trixie pretty, Twilight! Did Trixie ever tell you the story of how pretty and also powerful she was that day..."
As her opponent continued ranting, Twilight lay mute on the floor. Her cutie mark, the pride of her life ever since she'd been accepted into Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, lay in the corner with a heap of body parts. She would have cried, had she eyes to do so. The thought of moving her worm-like, naked body disgusted her, but she still had her ears and she could feel her tail swishing across the ground. Based on the noises Trixie was making, Twilight concluded that her opponent must only be left with a mouth. That meant she, Twilight Sparkle, had won again!
Two hours later, as Trixie continued to rant about her elegance and refinement, Twilight realized what a hollow victory it was.
Today, I learned the only winning move is not to play, she thought.
