Applejack’s Lemonade Adventure
Applejack looked up from her corner in the seedy bar, observing lice-infested scum piddling their lives away. It’s gonna be one of those weeks, she griped to herself, drowning her thoughts in beer. Another round of avoiding Rainbow Dash to keep at bay those unholy desires she felt, pretending she didn’t know what they meant. Another round of praying to Celestia for salvation and making promises that she’d change.
Applejack sighed, chugging her alcohol and savoring the pain in her liver.
Leaning back in her chair, she was about to call it quits when a well-dressed stallion approached. A bounce in his step, he smelled of ambition... and lizard piss.
Applejack brightened. Here’s my chance, she thought, trying not to seem too interested. If I get with this fella, that’ll prove Ah’m not like that.
Bowing, he greeted, “Good evening Miss...?”
“Howdy, Ah’m Applejack,” she said, tipping her stetson.
“Hello, Miss Applejack. My name is Golden Showers—”
“Oh, cuz you... uh, ya know?” she interjected.
Showers gave a flustered chuckle. “Um yes. I like to bathe in my bits.” He tugged at his silk collar. “Not that I don’t donate, though!” he quickly added.
“It’s your money, Ah won’t let that get ‘tween us.”
Regaining his composure, he said, “Yes, well, I’d like to make a proposition.”
“Yea? Well I reckon I could sure do with one right now,” she slyly remarked.
“Excellent! My company is a supplier of beverages and would like to offer you a job,” Showers said, passing her a business card. Among other things, it read:
Golden Shower’s Tangy Juices
Indulge yourself with a Golden Shower! Our lemonade is made from the freshest fluids around
Her face fell. “Hang on. Ya don’t wanna fuck?”
“Oh, goodness no!” he blanched, backing up. “Not outside of marriage, I’m a Celestian.”
Applejack lurched over the table. “Wait, Ah am too, that’s why it’s okay! We’re saved!”
Golden Showers took another step back. “Excuse me, Miss Applejack. It seems I’ve taken you for the wrong kind of pony,” he chastised, making a hasty exit.
She pounded a hoof on the table. “Oh yeah?! Ah’ll show you Ah’m a true Celestian! Goddess as mah witness, tomorrow Imma start my own lem-oh-nade stand!”
The bartender told her to shut up, so she sat back down and quietly finished her beer.
The next morning, Applejack awoke to a bright new day. However, she had a pounding hangover, so the earth pony slept in and decided to commence her entry into the lemonade business tomorrow.
And true to her vow, on the second day Applejack rose at dawn to go down to the Ponyville market and build her very own lemonade stand. Her carpentry skills made construction easy, and her practiced hoofwriting skills made writing take only eleven tries.
Now the hardworking pony stood back and admired her sign: Applejack’s Lemon Squirts. Business was gonna be good.
All set, she called out, “Come sample my exclusive lemonade! Hoofmade, only two bits!” But business was slow and hard to get going at first, ponies tended to avoid her when she announced this. Not to be easily discouraged, the savvy farm-pony gave it some thought and modified her pitch.
She called out, “Come drink my personal juice, only two bits!” A few ponies threw things at her, but Applejack soon made her first sale. Then her second. And it went like this for the rest of the day, maintaining a steady trickle in multiple ways. At this rate, she’d make up the profits her farm was losing today within the week!
Late in the afternoon, Spike came by.
She gave a little wave. “Hiya Spike, what can I get you?”
“Hey AJ, do you got strawberry lemonade?”
“Yup, I got all kinds,” she nodded.
Counting out the change, he asked, “Cool, can I get two of those?”
“Sure thing. Two bloody reliefs, comin’ up!” She reached for her equipment, and a mallet.
But the fickle dragon halted her, “Actually, I better not. I can’t hold it if the number's two, I’d just spill and leak it everywhere. I don’t want to make a mess.”
“We’re outside, Spike. Ponies don’t care ‘bout that.”
“Still, I’d better just stick to one. It’s easier to drink.”
“Suit yerself.” Applejack shrugged, pouring his liquid refreshment.
Taking it in his claws, Spike took a sip. He shuddered at the sourness, but savored each precious drop.
Applejack eagerly leaned forward. “So how is it, Spike? Ya think I can make it in the biz?”
“It’s—” He gave it some thought. “You’re in, I’d say.”
“Aww shucks, I hope so. Incontinence is good for somethin’, after all.”
“Don’t you mean ‘incompetence’?”
“Ah guess so,” she grinned. “But who needs booksmarts when ya can just sell your lemony excretions?”
“Well I’d better get going myself. I am Twilight’s number one assistant after all,” said the little dragon, thrusting his chest out in pride.
“Be sure to tell her about my business, maybe Ah can help train her with hers.”
“She could certainly use the help of a professional,” he nudged Applejack. “Lately, her business rarely stays in the laboratory and she has trouble keeping a steady flow. Of customers to the library.” They shared a laugh at that, and she waved him off.
But Applejack’s good spirits were crushed when Rainbow Dash swooped down. Once again, she was all nerves.
“Hey AJ, what’s going on here?” Dash said with her adorable smirk. The kind that would look good on your wall.
“Oh uh, nothin’ much, Ah reckon.” She looked away, hoping her intentions weren’t obvious.
Rainbow Dash leaned up on the stand. “Nothing? Well it looks like you’re selling lemonade.”
“Oh, yeah. Guess Ah am.” She began to sweat a bit, trying to keep from jumping the pegasus right there.
“Well, can I have some?” The speedster moved in even closer.
Blushing, Applejack said, “O’ course, you’re welcome to my drink anytime.”
“Great. One lemonade then.”
‘Kay,” she said, pouring some in a cup with unsteady hooves. And just as she put the pitcher down, Applejack sneezed. “Achoo!”
“Gesundheit,” Dash commented.
“...Don’t ya mean ‘bless you’?”
“Nah, I’m not a Celestian.”
“Wha—you’re not?” she asked, cocking her head.
“Nope. I could never get into that hooey,” Dash shrugged, reaching for her drink.
A grin slowly began to form on Applejack’s face. This changed everything. “Ah thank the Lordess! You won’t believe how glad Ah am to hear ya say that.”
This time, it was Dash’s turn to be confused. “Uh, why?”
“Cause heathens ain't real ponies!” Applejack exclaimed.
Then her hoof decided the time was nigh and she pulled out a shotgun, blasting Rainbow Dash’s head off.
