To the Moon

by equestria drifter

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Original Character, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Gilda
Length: 2523

do not read

On another one of Trixie and Gilda's adventures, they meet two ponies they will never forget. You will never forget them either, no matter how much you want to. Are you sleeping to much lately? Just read this, you will never be able to sleep again without having horrible fever dreams. cover taken from twentypercentcooler.net.

Published 2012-10-23 23:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-23 23:30:02 UTC

To the Moon

It all started when a traveling salespony named Switch Styles who was also a barber came to the wrong town at the wrong time. He was a unicorn with a half comb, half switchblade cutie mark. Unfortunately, there was another unicorn who just came into town. His cutie mark was a quill, and his name was Scribble. He was a travelling vigilante, and he was on a mission to rid Equestria of anything evil, and most things neutral. He had uncovered a prophesy of a pony being able to cause an eclipse that would raise the dead. He wanted to do this, so that he could slay all of them.

“Halt shady stranger,” said Scribble when he first saw Switch Styles. “What kind of illegal wares are you selling, and why have you come to this town.”

“Just some totally not illegal stuff. And it could be yours my friend, as long as you have the bits.”

“I do not have any bits.”

“I’m sorry, come back when you’re a little mmmmricher.”

“So, have you seen anything evil going on.”

“Not really, just the usual.”

“Well, tell me if you do, it’s my job to take care of things. I have this insatiable urge to destroy all evil.”

“What kind of skills do you have,” asked Switch Styles. This would be a question he would regret asking for the rest of his miserable life.

“Every type of magic a unicorn can know. Here, stick this marshmallow on your horn, I’ll toast it up for you.”He took of his fedora and revealed a bottle taped to his forehead. He filled the bottle with gasoline and lit a match while yelling, “I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE, AND I BRING YOU,” right before blowing fumes towards Switch Styles and putting the match in front of the bottle. While every part of Switch Styles body except for the marshmallow on his horn was burning, and he was screaming in agony, Scribble broke into song saying “fire, I’ll take you to burn. Fire, I’ll take you to learn.” Before he could continue he realized that the bottle was about to explode, ripped it off his head, and threw it at the town hall.

The whole place set ablaze, and while Switch was patting any flame off of his burnt body, somepony yelled out, “Those two are burning the town, get them.” Just like they had rehearsed, an angry mob was formed, and they were headed towards the two.

“Time to teleport outta here,” said Scribble. And began spinning around like you use teleport in the Pokemon games. He became so dizzy that he stumbled into a well and fell down it. At this time, the mob attacked Switch Styles; they beat him with clubs as well as stabbed him with pitchforks. One pony even wailed him with a torch. He was chased out of Ponyville.

When Scribble climbed out of the well, he asked the citizens of Ponyville what menace burned down town hall. They told him of a unicorn and pointed him in the direction they chased him in. Scribble headed in that direction.

Scribble taped himself a new bottle to his head and followed the hoofprints to the foothills of Mt. Dragonshy. He saw Switch Styles catching his breath, and said, “Watch out, there’s as arsonist on the loose here.” Switch had a strange feeling that from this day on, his life would suck. To confirm this, along came two travelers; a griffon and an azure unicorn wearing a blue hat and cape with stars on it.

“What are you two doing trespassing on the Great and Powerful Trixie’s mountain,” asked the unicorn.

“I am protecting Equestria from all things evil with my superpony magic abilities. I think he’s lost,” replied Scribble.

“If you are so good at magic, why don’t you prove it?” asked Trixie. ‘That’s the Great and Powerful Trixie to you,’ said Trixie through the computer.

“Alright, I shall give you a taste of my illusion spell,” said Scribble, cocking his bottle horn like a gun. He then shoved industrial paint thinner in Trixie’s face. She became dizzy and then, what was Switch Styles formed into a freaky looking white demon.

“Ah, pony demon,” said Trixie, as she bucked Switch Styles to the ground. She then stomped on his face until the “illusion spell” wore off. Switch probably had a concussion at this point, and little Derpy’s were flying around his head, (It’s normal to see those, right?).

The griffon walked over to him. “Name’s Gilda, and let me tell you, I know how you feel. I put up with bullshit like this all the time.” Gilda checked him out a little, “Say, you’re pretty good looking, how’s about you pluck my feathers.”

Switch became creeped out. This catbird thing was giving him a boner, but he did not understand her innuendo. He did not want to find out where this was going.

“That was a good illusion spell, what do name do you go by?” asked Trixie.

“I am Scribble, professional ass kicker. There isn’t a mare around that doesn’t want to make soup with me, I’m banned from certain areas for being too sexy, and I’m a handsome pony on top of that. Some ponies call me Scribbley ‘whether she’s home or out in Canterlot, she’s watching me and jerking off’ Wibbley. Here’s my card.” He handed her a crappily torn up piece of paper with a badly drawn stick figure pony wearing a fedora on it that said ‘some say it’s impossible for him wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes. All’s we know is, he’s called the Scrib.’

“Well I’m off to wherever place needs me. Perhaps we shall meet again,” said Scribble.

Switch Styles was faced with the toughest decision of his life. Either stay and fall victim to whatever freaky foreplay griffon’s practice, or face certain doom on the road with Scribble. “Wait, I’ll travel with you,” said Switch, walking up to Scribble and not turning back.

And so, they made their way up to Canterlot. It was a misty morning with thunderclouds in the sky. Patrolling the streets was a Pegasus guards pony named Faith Kindheart. He only had one wing, so when he flew, he spiraled threw the air.

“What the hell kinda horn is that,” asked Faith Kindheart, spiraling down to Scribble.

“Oh, this old thing, I got it on one of my brave and daring adventures. I ventured into cave dangerous and evil or something on some badass mountain, and was in an awesome battle with some super cool troll pony thing. It ripped off my horn, put I didn’t need magic. I killed it to death with my bare hooves. When it was on the ground, I ripped off its demonic horn and I’m such a radical pony that the horn just merged right on. Even the troll pony was like, ‘you’re pretty awesome, and it was an honor to get killed by you. If I was a chick, I’d make out with you. You’re also pretty good lookin’.”

“Wait, troll ponies don’t even have horns.” said, Faith suspiciously.

“Then it was an ogre pony, whatever. How come you only have one wing, are you a crack foal or something?”

“I’m glad you asked, I lost it in the war.”

“What war?”

“It was a stormy night, and I was the last pony standing, but at what price? I was in a desperate situation. This vending machine had a pickle in it. How many vending machines have pickles? I was making my final stand. There was only one left to. Everything I stood for was in jeopardy. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I was out of bits, and only my wing could reach up there and get it. The pickle came out, but the wing stayed in. You can buy my wing now at the racetrack for only one bit. That’s a bargain. I haven’t let the pickle out of my sight since,” he said, pulling out a moldy pickle.

“Wow, that must have been ages ago,” said Scribble.

“No, that was yesterday. The wing will grow back, right? Wings do that?”

Before long, they were off on there on their separate ways. Scribble rejoined Switch Styles, and he was about to show off some amazing magic abilities. “Gaze in wonder, as I create lightning,” Scribble said to a sleeping hobo pony. He twisted off the metal bottle cap on his bottle horn, and flicked it at Switch. By bad luck, it was stormy weather, and when the bottle cap hit Switch, lightning struck the bottle cap, zapping the crap out of Switch. It was a pretty long shock to. Probably enough to kill a small foal.

The hobo pony awoke at this point, and thought Switch was creating the lightning. He thought he was here to electrocute all of Canterlot, and yelled out such. Guards ponies came by, but they all got out of the way when Faith Kindheart came running by. He was swinging a flail with two spiked balls on it around, and letting out some crazy battle cry. He hit him right in the nuts with it. To all the guys reading, have you ever been kicked in the balls by two people at the same time, so that each of you’re nuts gets kicked? It was like that, but with spiked steel balls.

Switch Styles limped as fast as he could out of there, and of course, hot on his trail, was Scribble. They went back to the mountains, and there was Trixie and Gilda. “Oh, look who just couldn’t resist the urge and came back,” said Gilda.

Switch was silent. Then Trixie said, “Hey guys, I discovered this prophecy that says that a pony can cause an eclipse that will bring pony zombies. With those, I can conquer Equestria!”

“Yeah, she gets crazy like this sometimes,” said Gilda.

“There is no excuse for evil. I shall bring the eclipse, and slay all the undead. And I will not fall victim to your temptress ways, evil sorceress.

Trixie got up real close to Scribble and said softly in his ear, “ don’t worry about bad, dirty Trixie, there’ll probably be a pony who’ll stop my reign of terror here in Equestria and not fall victim to my deadly hotness, but who will slay the zombies on the moon.” She tried to make out with him after that, but in his righteousness, he negated her lips and decided to make an agreement with the witch mare.

“To the moon then, I shall go there once I cause the eclipse; that will save beautiful you the trouble of moving the moon, you’ll have more energy to command your zombie minions, making for a more epic battle,” said Scribble.

“Why don’t we have some fun first, we may never see each other again,” said Trixie.

“Sorry hot pony thing, but I am a pony who stays true to his lover. I can’t cheat on my Mistress Smarty-pants blow up doll. We study together.”

The two of them raced into Ponyville. Switch Styles followed him, who was being chased by Gilda. Within 20 pony minutes, Scibble gathered bits of the town hall’s wood, taped them together to make a giant wooden penis that looked like a rocket ship, and let’s assume it’s daytime now so the eclipse can begin and you can stop reading this mind scarring abortion of a fic.

Scribble aimed his bottle horn at the sun and fondled it to bring out the magical magic. Maybe the eclipse was meant to happen on this day, maybe Scribble got the power to make the moon move and raise the dead. Anyways the moon was in front of the sun and pony zombies crawled out of the ground. (Pombies or zonies?)

The first thing the pony zombies saw was a sweating and shivering Switch Styles. He was like this because he was hiding from Gilda and was afraid she’d find him. The pony zombies thought he was exhausted and nervous because he caused the eclipse. They were pissed off because they had just gotten used to rotting in the ground, and now they had to get off their flanks and destroy all ponies. They did what zombies do best. Beat the crap out of him.

It was relentless. They didn’t turn him into one, because then he wouldn’t feel the pain. They also didn’t devour his brain because they wanted him to remember this. Then, Scribble got in his space travel thing, and had Trixie used her magic to launch him into space.

While Scribble was blasting into the cosmic beyond, Switch Styles lay there beaten to a pulp. Just in time, came the citizens of Ponyville. They completely ignored the pony zombies, and assumed he had caused the necromantic eclipse, because sometimes zombies will first go after the one who resurrected them, hypothetically. (I hope that was right, who the hay knows what hypothetically really means.)

To make a long story short, the citizens of Ponyville did every fucked up thing you can imagine to Switch Styles. There is sort of a moral. Because they were too busy kicking Switch Style’s flank, Trixie and her army of pony zombies took over all of Equestria, but being a zombie pony is kinda cool. The show will now be called My Little Zombie: Living is Futile.

There were two who did not get turned into magic candy colored zombies. When Gilda found the bludgeoned Switch Styles, she layed down next to him, and said, “Don’t worry, some beak and claw will make you feel better.”

The clawjob wasn’t very pleasant, but maybe after years of reconstructive surgery, his Swiss army horn would make magic again. However, after the beakjob, there was no hope.

And then there’s Scribble; now that’s a legend that the pony zombies would pass to their pony zombie foals for generations. The story of Scribble the “Moonslayer.” Like many historical icons, it was interpreted in many different ways. Nopony knows what became of that brave unicorn. Maybe he exploded once entering space like the first space pioneers did when they first traveled to the faraway planet of Minnesota because they didn’t have astronaut suits on. Perhaps there were no moon pony zombies on the moon and he spent the rest of his days on the moon alone. Some say he fought hard against the moon pony zombies, but fell to them and is now a moon pony zombie. And some say he defeated all the moon pony zombies, and now roams the universe in his wooden space travel thing, kicking any space bad guys in the space junk.

This story contained some “tip of the hat” to things that I should acknowledge. Switch Styles acted like Morshu from Link and the Faces of Evil in the beginning. Scribble quotes the Toxic Avenger in one line, and he also sing’s part of Arthur Brown’s “Fire.” His business card was also a line from Top Gear about the Stig.