Life and Death

Chapters

All That Lives Must Die, Right?
The Visit
Certainty
Goodbye
Beginning
Torn
Epilogue Part One
Epilogue Part Two

All That Lives Must Die, Right?

“How is she?” I inquire of a nurse at Ponyville General Hospital as I make my weekly visit.

The nurse sighs wearily before she can catch herself, doing her best not to become annoyed at me. I feel guilty, realizing that it must get tiring hearing the same question from countless ponies day after day. I can relate, often hearing the same questions about tax code, weather, etc. “As usual, your majesty,” she begins, “She is still declining, though the rate is slowing now. She doesn’t have much longer now.”

It can be extremely painful realizing that ponies must die while I live on forever. But I know that it’s the underlying truth: everypony that lives must die, except for those few of us cursed with the gift of immortality. Immortality would not be such a bad thing, in reality, if we didn’t have to watch those around us wither away.

I haven’t gotten as close to anypony as I have with Twilight Sparkle for centuries, if I ever have before. Watching my faithful student decay is watching a tragedy in motion, always hoping that it will not come to its inevitable end, death, the only weakness of the protagonist being mortality itself. But I know that it is not meant to be. All good things must come to an end.

Don’t they? I know that this experience should not be anywhere near as painful as it was for Cadance to lose Shining Armor. But that does not make the pain any easier to bear. Why must some die while others live on forever? I just do not know anymore.

***

“Hello, Twilight,” I say as I enter the room of the pony that I hold dear second only to Luna. Perhaps even more dear, I would dare to think; Twilight Sparkle is like a daughter to me, and no matter how great the bond of sisters can be, it is nothing compared to that of a mother and child. I love her so much, too much to see her go. It is as bad as it was sending Luna to the moon back on that familiar day, but, as it was then, there aren’t always choices.

Twilight clears her throat, readying her airways to allow for speech, which is becoming so difficult. “I’m doing alright, Princess. It’s good to see you. It’s nice to have visitors. It’s not like I have very many left…” She pauses, a distant gaze in her eyes as she recalls the better times, when she was young and her friends were still here with her. “Just the same old same old happening around here. There’s a new doctor taking care of me. Says that he’s a geriatric specialist. It sounds funny, being called old. I’ve never really felt it until recently. I’ve always felt young. But now even that is gone…”

“I heard about the specialist being sent in.” I had a hoof in on it. “How is he doing?”

“He’s nice enough.”

“Good.” I pause. “I hope that they can help you, Twilight. I don’t know what I would do without you…” I hear my voice break and immediately stop speaking. I hope that there are no tears in my eyes, for while I normally wouldn’t mind showing my student my emotions, I would not want to upset her; besides, the whole hospital is watching my every move. Anyway, Twilight has too much to deal with without her teacher breaking. Luckily, she doesn’t seem to have noticed.

“You’ll be fine, Princess! I know that you will.” She coughs, having difficulty catching her breath. I hate seeing her like this. I hate that she’s in pain. “I’m not the first pony to die.” She speaks of death as she speaks of anything else; like it’s nothing, like she’s ready, as always, to face whatever lies ahead. I don’t know whether I would be that strong. Taking care of my little ponies has always been too precious to me. And that only makes it harder to see my faithful student decline.

But alas, that’s how it has to be. “You’re right, Twilight. But you are a special pony to me. As you know, it always is difficult to see ponies that are special to us pass on.” I cannot bring myself to say the word ‘die’. I just find myself unable to speak it, like it’s a taboo. “But I know you are right.” But I am not happy about it.

“So how are you, Princess Celestia?” She looks at me expectantly.

“Oh? I’m alright. Just the average matters of state, nothing special.” I muster up a small smile; it feels like a lie.

“Good. I hope that you’ve been taking care of yourself. Luna seemed a bit concerned about you the last time that she visited.”

“I’m fine.” I shift my weight a little, feeling guilty for worrying my sister. “I just have been trying to do a little too much in too short of a time, lately. But I’m getting things done, which is what matters to Equestria.”

“Yes, but you have to worry about yourself sometimes. It doesn’t do Equestria any good if their princess overworks herself.” She has a stern look on her face until it fades into a smile of amusement.

“I’m not overworking myself. I’m just keeping busy.”

“Uh huh,” she says, skeptical. A doctor enters the room and looks at me, seeming surprised to see his princess at this specific time and place. Must be the new guy. I wonder what he needs, until I look at the clock. Visiting hours are over. I knew that I had made it in late, but I thought I would have a little more time with my student. The doctor sees that there is understanding between us and exits the room for a moment, waiting on me to leave before speaking to Twilight.

***

There has to be something that I can do for Twilight. There just has to be some way that I am overlooking. Immortality exists, so there must be some way that it can be obtained. My mother was not immortal, she just passed the trait onto future alicorns. I just don’t know what I could possibly do without Twilight. But unless I can figure something out, her passing is inevitable.

This brings me to a dilemma: is it right for me to extend her life, if possible, or would it be cruel of me to make her live on without her friends? I guess it will have to come to me asking her, should I figure out some solution. I suppose I should wait and cross that bridge when I come to it. I sit here in my chambers, lost in thought and wondering if there’s anything that I have encountered in all of my years that might be of aide in this matter. Suddenly, I remember reading of a spell, or something of the like, once, long ago. I do not remember where. Was it in a book, in the archives, in my personal collection? I guess I have no choice but to begin searching if I wish to locate it.

My first, and hopefully only, stop is my own personal books shelves. I can only hope that the book is here, right in front of my face, otherwise I could be searching all over Equestria and Twilight could pass while I am away. No. That’s the last thing that I would want. If Twilight is going to die, then I need to be there to see it, or else I will refuse to believe it and blame everyone around me, and myself, for failing to save my faithful student, my precious friend. But for now, all there is left to do is search. And hope.

I look through the numerous books on my towering shelves. Surely I would have kept something of such importance. Right? But I don’t remember the title, or the cover, or even the content beyond the passage about the technique. How can you locate a spell if you don’t know where to search? I could ask Luna… No, I cannot. She would worry about me obsessing over Twilight and try to stop me. I want to at least try. It’s the least that I can do for my student, who has done so much for me.

I begin going through each book one by one, skimming through just to get an idea of the information that each one holds, trying to find the logical ones to search more thoroughly. Poems of the Griffon Kingdom, no, that can’t be it. Supernaturals: Natural Cures That are Super, worth a shot. No, nothing there. Drat. Legends of Old: Nightmare Moon and Other Tales also worth a shot. Also nothing there. Time seems to creep by at the speed of a snail. I look at the clock. I’ve been at this for hours now. Nothing. The Elements of Friendship by Twilight Sparkle, a lovely book, but not what I’m needing at the moment. Nothing again. Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing! Why isn’t there anything! I need to find it! Time could be running out as I sit here and search! Books are strewn everywhere across the room. I need to find it!

Suddenly, a title jumps out at me: Mystics and Magics: A Spell Book Across the Ages. That’s it! I’ve found it. I open the book and flip through frantically. I find the page on immortality and begin to read. It is said that an immortal can share the gift of immortality with one soul that walks the planet. It is said that the immortal must share their magic with the pony in question. There is no way of telling if this is true, because immortals are few and far between and have more important things to do than test a theory on a random pony, therefore wasting the spell entirely. Share magic? That sounds simple enough. I’m sure that there is a spell for that easy enough to find. Unicorns often give their children a jump start on their magic lessons by giving their magic a small augment. Quantity must be the factor, as an immortal, or at least an alicorn, has magic no different than any other pony.

All that’s left now is to wait for tomorrow to come so that I can visit Twilight and tell her the news.

***

I enter Twilight’s room with the permission of a nurse. I was told that it was alright for me to enter so long as I did my best not to upset her. Well, what I must say may upset her, but it is just as likely to cheer her. I hope that she is open to the idea. If she isn’t, well, I’ll just have to figure some way out to live without her. I suppose that would be the healthiest thing, but if I can share my immortality with only one pony, that pony would be Twilight Sparkle. I just cannot let her go. “Good evening, Twilight. I trust that you are still well?”

“Hello, Princess Celestia, I wasn’t expecting to see you today! But I’m glad that you came. Yes I am doing alright.” She perks up and watches me, eyes attentive. “If I may ask, what brings you here today?”

“First of all, can I not visit my most faithful student as often as I wish?” I raise an eyebrow jokingly.

“Of course you are, silly. It’s just unusual is all.” She coughs.

“I also have a proposal.” I begin to pace across the room. “I do not know whether I can see you go, Twilight. You are so very dear to me.” I sigh. “I may be able to keep you alive, should you wish. There is a chance that an old spell might work. However, it is up to you whether we attempt it or not, as I do not wish to keep you here if you want to go.”

“Why, Princess, you know that I’d love to be able to spend more time with you and Spike, learning about the secrets of the universe. But it’s not possible, is it?”

“It may be.” I stop my pacing and look at Twilight. “I cannot give you any guarantees, but I found a way that I might be able to share my immortality with you. It just might work, and I cannot see the harm that could come from it if it does not.”

“How would you go about doing that?” She looks at me curiously, like a foal looks as it is learning about the world for the first time.

“If you except, I will attempt to share my magic with you.”

“Well, if you think that it might work, Princess, I’d love to give it a shot!” There is a gigantic grin on her wrinkled face. Oh, how I miss seeing her young and healty!

“Alright then. I will see about taking you out of the hospital to attempt the process. For good measure, we’ll stop and see Spike, in case the spell does fail. It’s not like he can visit you here anymore.”

“I’d like that.”

I leave the room and check her out of the hospital, promising the staff that I will return her before this time in two days. My little ponies wouldn’t dare question their princess’s judgment. It’s a little sad, really. They feel as though they don’t have a choice around me. All ponies have a choice, but sometimes it can help get your way when you hold a position of power. I don’t like to pull the royalty card very often, but in cases like this, it does come in handy. Anyway, I return to her room and help her to her feet. I hate seeing how wobbly she is on her legs, even just standing there. But I guess that there is nothing I can do but try the last card in my deck to keep her alive and hope for the best. Our first stop will be to visit Spike.

“When we visit Spike,” I begin, “it will probably be best not to tell him about our plans. I would not like to get his hopes up just to have them shattered in front of him.”

“Alright, Princess. I’m sure that you’re right.” She smiles sadly. “It’s been forever since I last saw him. I almost hate for my number one assistant to see my like this.”

“If you are to pass, it will give him closure to have seen you one last time beforehand.” I hate saying that there is a chance that this will not work, but alas, the chance is there. There is no reason to hide that from Twilight.

She sighs in acknowledgement. I guess she isn’t as ready to welcome death as I previously had thought. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it can work in my favor. No, this shouldn’t be for me, it should be for Twilight. I hope that I will not hold her back for the sake of my greed.

The Visit

Spike resides in a chamber of the castle specifically sized to meet the needs of his ever growing body. As he aged, he was forced to begin hoarding, lest his own scales make him immobile. It’s a natural part of the dragon life cycle, and denying himself of it for so long caused a temporary decay. Luckily, after learning his lesson when he was young, he has not been overcome by greed and he has not lost himself. He isn’t a huge dragon, just a little bigger than I, but ponies tend to become afraid of dragons the moment that they are no longer babies. This forced him to either leave Equestria and enter the Dragon Lands, or move into isolation here at the palace. He chose the latter. He still gets visitors, of course, mainly Luna, Cadance, and I, so he is not as lonely as he could be. Nevertheless, it does him good to see other ponies, Twilight Sparkle most of all.

My only concern of taking Twilight to visit him before I attempt my spell is that he is a very perceptive dragon: he might see through our ruse of coming for the sole purpose of visiting. Additionally, I would worry what effect it might have on him seeing Twilight in her current state. But I figure that he will appreciate this chance to see her no matter what happens to her. She is like a sister, maybe even a mother to him, regardless of how long they have been apart. It is agonizing for him to be unable to visit Twilight in the hospital, so I can see both the good and the bad of this visit. Perhaps, if our pan were to fail, it will be closure to him to have seen her this last time.

Not that it’s going to fail. I need to keep a positive attitude, or else the risk may be higher of it failing. But it can be difficult in times like this. On the outside, I might be the serene ruler who exudes calmness, but on the inside, I can be a nervous wreck in times of crisis. It has been worse since the changeling attack all of those years ago, when Twilight was young, when I failed to protect my ponies in a time of dire need. That was certainly an enlightening experience; it proved that I am not infallible. I can be defeated, and I am not all powerful. I knew all of these things, but my loyal subjects had not realized so and their confidence in their princesses wavered. But I have regained some of that trust over the years by preventing and averting many other catastrophes. And none of that really matters on whether I fail or succeed in this spell that I have planned.

I don’t want to fail Twilight. Or Spike, for that matter. But that’s why we aren’t telling him about our plan until it is attempted, so that there will be one less person disappointed. And we aren’t telling Luna. I’m afraid that she would be against the plan and try to stop us. In any case, I will worry about dealing with her at such a time that the need arise. I just don’t know what I can do. Do I tell her, or do I hide something from my own sister? I just don’t know what to do. All I can do is try. And hope.

***

We are nearing Spike’s chamber, Twilight and I. As we enter the room, Twilight stumbles an nearly falls on her face. Luckily, I am here to support her and help her regain her balance. Climbing all of these stairs in hard on her, I know. Perhaps I will just teleport us back to my study when our visit here is through, assuming that it won’t hurt her pride. As we walk, I wonder what is going through her head. Is she nervous to see her assistant again? Is she delighted, or upset? All of these things I wonder, but I shall never know. Thoughts are private.

As we round the corner, Twilight bursts into a smile the moment that she sees her dragon friend for the first time in years. “Spike!” she exclaims in delight as she moves as quickly as her old body is able to push her towards him.

“Twilight?” he asks, perhaps wondering if he is imagining things as she rounds the corner and hugs him. “Twilight! You’re out of the hospital. What’s the occasion?”

I hope that she will stick to our story. I know that she dislikes lying, but it is for her and Spike’s own safety that she does so. “Oh, it’s been awhile since I’ve been out and about, so the princess thought that it might do me some good to come and see you! Dang, you’ve grown up quickly.”

Spike and my eyes meet momentarily. He knows that if I brought her to visit, the end is near. We discussed it at length about a year ago. He knows that I would not give up on her until I felt that there was no chance. Well, there still is a chance, Spike, and I will do my very best to let you keep your Twilight. He looks back at her. “I’m glad you came here. I’ve missed you more than you could imagine.”

“Oh, I think that I can imagine. I probably missed you just as much! Gosh, it’s good to see you.” Her eyes have far more light in them than they have in the past months. Perhaps it would be better if she stayed here in the palace under personal care even if my spell fails. It would be much more comfortable for her, surely, and Spike could come and visit her, rather than them being apart for so long. I will have to ask Twilight about it.

I go through the room, allowing the two friends to have their privacy. I hate that there is a chance of failure, but that chance is always there. And there is nothing that we can do but try to beat the odds that are stacked against us. I try to remember how one shares energy with another pony. It’s not a terribly difficult spell, but I question the safely with such quantities of energy flying around as are needed. I glance at Spike’s hoard of books. If I had not found the book that I needed so quickly, this would have surely been my first stop. So many books, so much knowledge, all held in a single room. And all of it under the protection of a dragon. That’s certainly enough to scare most ponies that might wish to steal the collection. But I suppose that there are those who would attempt it just to say they stole from a dragon’s hoard. But none of that matters. If I had come here, I would have been forced to tell Spike what was going on. And I will tell him, once it is over, no matter the result.

I head back over to them, Twilight and Spike. They are whispering to each other. Is she giving our plan away? Surely not. That would not be like her, to tell my secrets to anypony, not even her dear friend Spike. I wait for them to finish their conversation before I make my presence known. “Twilight, could you give Spike and I am minute?” I ask when they are done.

“Of course,” she says. “I can explore all of these books while I wait.”

“Thank you. I assure you, you will have more time to speak with Spike before we leave.”

“Thank you, Princess Celestia.” She wanders off to explore the labyrinth.

“What’s going on here, Princess?” Spike asks insistently. “Is her time near?”

“I cannot tell you much, All I can tell you is that if everything goes according to my plan, we may have Twilight around for longer. If not…” I pause, unsure of what to say. “Then things will remain the same. That is the worst that can happen.” I’m fairly sure of that, but there is no telling. This has never been attempted before.

“Just don’t do anything that you think is unsafe. I’d love to have her alive and well, but not if it has a huge cost to anypony.”

“I promise you, Spike, the risk is low. Either something happens or it doesn’t. It’s that simple.” I smile at him. No matter what happens, I’m going to see if Twilight can stay in the palace, or if she even wants to. I’ll go ahead and send a letter to Ponyville hospital as soon as I speak with her. If she agrees, you’ll definitely see her more!”

“Good! But all I want is for her to be happy. So don’t make her stay if she’d rather be elsewhere.”

“I won’t. Don’t worry about it, Spike. I promise that I will make her happy.”

“Thank you.”

I call Twilight back over and excuse myself from the room. I wish to give them some time to themselves. There is nothing to do now but wait for my chance.

Certainty

This morning is calm and quiet. My sun is shining; there isn’t a cloud in the sky. Today is simply a perfect day. And it is today that I attempt the most difficult spell that I have ever undertaken.

Twilight and I had a nice breakfast together, taking time to discuss the task at hand. We took our time, reminiscing about the good and bad times alike. She talked mainly about her friends and family and how much she misses them. This made me ask the same question that I keep asking myself to this very moment: is this the right thing to do? Or should I leave her alone to die? Not that I would ever truly leave her alone; I will be with her until her last breath, however far in the future that might be.

As far as the procedure of the spell, I plan to release my energy a little at a time rather than all at once. It seems like it would be safer that way an there is no specification in any of the material that I read that would lead me to do otherwise. Safety is my first priority. I have placed many fail-safes that will prevent Twilight from being injured in case of an emergency. These precautions may have little effect on my well-being, however. The magic being used is not meant to protect the user.

“Are you ready, Twilight? Are you sure that you want to go through with this?” I ask, not wanting to do anything that she does not feel is right.

“I’m ready, Princess. I’m sure that this is what I want to do.” She has such a big grin on her face that all of my doubts are dissolved.

We prepare the spell. Everything is in place. Twilight is sitting calmly on a pillow on the floor. It is all up to me now. Am I really doing this? Is it the right choice? Is this her fate, or am I just tampering with it through my actions? Do I proceed, or do I tell her that I am not willing to try? I decide it is worth attempting.

“Now, I don’t know how long this will take,” I tell Twilight. “But I promise that it won’t cause you any pain. I have studied the procedure thoroughly and can assure you that whether it succeeds or not, you will be unharmed. There is nothing to be afraid of.”

“I’m not afraid, Princess. I’m ready whenever you are.” She seems so calm, her face a blank slate, showing no hint of nervousness or fear. She trusts me.

Well. I may as well get this over with. What comes to be is meant to be. I can only do my best, try to make it work. It is all up to me. I begin the spell, taking time to check my energy levels. It is noon, the perfect timing between sunrise and sunset. My magic is at its peak power. I touch horns with Twilight. I feel her soul; it certainly had been nearing its end. However, I can only hope that his will heal the damage. I close my eyes in concentration, yet I feel my thoughts wander.

Noting that my energy does not falter, I let myself walk down memory lane, remembering the good times with Twilight, ignoring the bad. I remember how excited she was when she got her cutie mark and I took her on as a student. I remember her diligent studies, and how she forgot how to make any friends until I forced it onto her. I remember every one of her letters and how proud I am of her. And I am truly proud of her. I love her. I don’t want her to leave. I continue pumping my energy gradually into her system. I feel her soul strengthen.

“This actually feels pretty nice,” I hear Twilight say.

It’s almost ready. Just a little bit more…

“Sister, what in all of Equestria are you doing?” Luna asks barging in, slamming the doors open. My energy continues for the moment, but I feel Twilight faltering. This takes absolute concentration from the both of us.

“It’s fine, Luna. We’re just doing a spell,” Twilight reassures.

“With that much energy? Sister, answer me? What is going on?” She seems torn between anger and worry. I’d reassure her as Twilight did, but I am too busy to speak.

She touches my shoulder. I feel my magic shatter. My vision is gone, replaced by bright light. I’m losing control; I feel my body rising off of the ground. I am flung across the room. I hear Twilight scream; everything goes black. I fade out of consciousness. I just… needed… a little…

***

“She was trying to make me live longer,” I hear the voice of my faithful student say, calmly. Is this a dream? It doesn’t feel real. My magic is never this useless in real life. It must be a dream. “But I don’t feel any different. She said it might not work. But she wanted to at least try.”

“What? Twilight Sparkle, why did you agree to this? You could have both been killed!” Luna seems very upset. This is odd. I rarely have bad dreams, yet this one feels like a nightmare.

“She promised me that no matter what I would be safe. She said that the worst that could happen would be that nothing would change.” Twilight pauses. “She didn’t, however, say anything about herself.”

“She knows better! You don’t mess with the balance of life and death. It’s something that just isn’t done!” Luna sighs. “When I felt that much energy flowing through this room, I feared that you were under attack. Otherwise, I would not have interrupted. It was very stupid of me. But I did not want you or Celestia to be harmed. I’m sorry Twilight. I could have killed you.”

“You didn’t; that’s what matters.” Twilight coughs. “What do you mean, ‘you don’t mess with the balance of life and death’? Princess Celestia didn’t seem to have any qualms about it. Surely she wouldn’t use forbidden magic.”

“While it is not forbidden, it simply isn’t done. Nopony is powerful enough to accomplish that spell without some kind of negative result. She should have known that. She’s lucky that she just fell unconscious and didn’t receive any permanent damage!”

“I get the feeling that she didn’t do enough research before trying the spell. She had so little information to give me. I imagine she didn’t realize what would happen until it was too late to turn back.”

Twilight is right. I didn’t know enough about the process to be attempting it. I was just too desperate. I didn’t want to be out searching for information while Twilight was slowly dying. She needs me, especially now. I shouldn’t have bothered. Now I’m too weak to do anything at all. I’m getting the feeling, from context, that this is not just a dream anymore.

“To me, the worst part is that she didn’t even trust me enough to tell me what she was doing. Yes, I would have tried to stop her, but if I couldn’t do that, I would have at least been there to help when she got injured.” I hear hoofsteps of somepony pacing, presumably Luna, who is speaking at the moment. “There aren’t supposed to be secrets between the two of us, since the Nightmare Moon incident. While I’m hurt that she didn’t trust me, I think that I’m more worried about what’s going through her head to make her do all of this.”

“I’m sorry Princess Luna. I just wanted the spell to work. It didn’t even occur to me to try to tell you. Princess Celestia said that it had to be our secret, that nopony could know. I couldn’t even tell Spike for crying out loud! It really all seems unlike her. She wouldn’t hide things from you. I could only assume that you already knew.”

“Well she did not.” Luna huffs. “And don’t be sorry Twilight Sparkle. I’m not upset with you. I’m just worried about Celestia. If she wouldn’t even let you tell Spike, who she trusts with everything as much as I, she mustn’t be in her right mind.”

I’m in my right mind, I want to say, yet I want to hear the rest of their conversation before they know I’m awake. Nothing’s wrong in my head! I just didn’t think! I got too emotionally invested in my student and I cannot bear to see her go. But I guess that I will have to now. I’m out of choices. Ugh, this predicament makes my head hurt worse than it already does. I’m insulted that they would think that there is anything wrong with me. I didn’t tell Luna because I knew that she would try to stop me, she said it herself! I didn’t want to be stopped, or protected. All I wanted was to keep my student, my dear friend, alive, to make her well again. But now that’s all gone away. I won’t have enough energy to try again in time. It will take me years to gather that much energy again. But she’s so close to dying, I can’t bear it!

“She wanted me to live. That’s what possessed her. She wanted me to be okay. I guess I shouldn’t have let her do it, but she seemed so excited over it and I didn’t want to disappoint her. I was excited too. I’d love to live longer and study the secrets of the universe for as long as possible, but now I know that I can’t,” Twilight says.

I finally decide to ‘wake up’. “Twilight,” I begin, opening my eyes. Twilight and Luna freeze in place to look at me. “I hope that you don’t regret me doing this. I wanted to help you more than anything. I’m sorry that I couldn’t.”

“Princess Celestia, this is not your fault! It’s too much magic for a single pony to use!”

“Sister, are you hurt?” Luna asks frantically.

“I’m fine,” I say, raising a hoof to signal that I still wish to speak. “Just a little bit of a headache.” The understatement of the century. “Don’t worry about me. Twilight, are you alright?”

“Of course, Princess. Just like you promised.” Twilight smiles at me. She doesn’t want to upset me, obviously, but studying her, I am reassured that she is fine.

“Celestia! What were you thinking? You could have both been hurt, using that much magic at once. It’s unusual for you to do things before thinking them through first.” Luna looks at me sternly.

“I wasn’t thinking. However, I was putting out energy at such a gradual rate that neither of should have possibly gotten hurt in the process. And I didn’t think things through to tell you or Spike. I just want Twilight to be well again. That’s all that was going through my head.” I feel my emotions taking over again. I don’t want to cry in front of my student. I would trust her with the world, but I would not wish to burden her with seeing her teacher in tears. Yet, I can feel the sadness written all over my face. I can fight the tears, but I cannot hide this sorrow, no matter how well practiced I am in hiding my emotions.

“Sister… I’m sorry. There’s just nothing that we can do.” Luna looks at the floor, melancholy.

“And I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you what was going on. I didn’t want you to stop me. I knew that you would try to. I just couldn’t face not even being able to try.”

“We can talk more later. For now, I think that we need to get Twilight to bed. She looks exhausted.”

“I’m fine,” says Twilight, stifling a yawn. “I want to go see Spike again before I go to bed. Tell him what happened. I don’t want him to be left wondering.”

“I could tell him,” Luna offers.

“No. I think that it needs to be me.” Twilight heads towards the door.

“At least let me take you,” Luna insists. “I’ll be right back, Celestia. You get your rest.”

“Thanks Luna. It’s hard for me to walk that far.” Twilight waits for Luna to reach her. “And Princess Celestia? Thanks for trying.”

“I’m so sorry it didn’t work,” I say, looking at her sadly.

“It’s okay Princess. You tried.”

I smile at her. “Go and see Spike. I’ll come and visit you later.”

“Of course.”

I watch her go. Luna looks back at me before they disappear in a flash.

***

Luna returns to my room about an hour later. She looks as sorrowful as I feel. So much worry. So much regret. She need not feel those things. Those emotions are meant for I and I alone in the present. I understand that she will miss Twilight as well when she is gone, yet, I know that that is not what these emotions are about. I can read my sister like a book. Those thoughts are about me. She regrets entering the room and stopping me. Even farther back, she regrets becoming the monster Nightmare Moon. She need not regret that any longer. Time has healed all wounds. What is done is done; there’s no reason to dwell on the past. I know that. But I also know how hard it can be. I remember how much regret I held when I sent her to the moon. And now, I regret the failure of the spell that may have saved my faithful student.

“I’m sorry, Celestia. I should not have come into the room without knocking. I was just afraid for you.”

“Don’t be sorry, Luna. This is not your fault. Most likely I did not have the energy to lengthen Twilight’s life. I don’t blame you.”

“Are you sure that you’re alright? You really have been acting out of character lately. You’ve become secretive. I’m worried about you.”

“Nothing is wrong, Luna. I’m just fighting myself over Twilight’s death being soon to come. I don’t want her to go.” The tears I’ve been holding in slip from my eyes.

Sister,” Luna comes over and wraps a wing around my body. “I’m here.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you what was going on. I should not have kept a secret from you,” I say through the tears.”

“Shhh… It’s okay. I forgive you.”

“No, it’s not okay. I should have told you what was going on. I just knew that you would try to stop me. I didn’t want that. I wanted for Twilight to be alright. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just wanted her to be better. I wanted her to live forever along with us. I didn’t know what to expect. I should not have proceeded without more information.”

“We all have our moments of weakness. It’s just a matter of overcoming those. Everything will be okay, Celestia. You will have Spike and I for a long time. I’m never going to leave you again.”

Here we stand, two sisters in eternal understanding, knowing that we will always have each other, waiting for the death of one that we both hold dear.

***

I visited Twilight once today. She seems much weaker. I immediately called Spike, telling him that this may be his last chance to say goodbye. It may be my last chance to say goodbye as well. I am returning to her room, leaving my royal duties to Luna. She so understands all of this. She has had her visits, and she has said her goodbyes. She does not feel that it is necessary for her closure for her to be present when the time comes.

I however, will be standing beside Twilight Sparkle until her soul has departed to the great beyond. When her last breath leaves her, I will be there to tell the world that Twilight Sparkle, one of the most incredible ponies of all time, has died. Not that I would really tell the entire world. It is personal business, not something that the entire population of Equestria needs to know, no matter how famous of a pony she might be.

But I fear how much I can take. I know that I need to be there. But what will I do when she is gone? Will everything just go back to the same, like things always have when I have lost other friends? Or am I right, and the bond between her and I is stronger than anything I have ever experienced besides my sisterhood with Luna?

I enter Twilight’s room. She is sleeping peacefully. Every time I have left her for the past few days, I have always been sure to say both goodbye and see you later. Goodbye in case of the worst. See you later for the hope that remains. But each time I see her, she gets weaker and weaker. I cannot even feel her energy at all anymore, it’s so weak. But there’s nothing that I can do but stand by and be there for her.

Spike is sitting in the corner. He is very quiet; he doesn’t even acknowledge that I have come in. I worry for him, and how he will take Twilight’s death. It is going to be hard enough on me, her teacher, let alone him, her brother. I say nothing to him because there is nothing to say.

She wakes for a moment, only a moment. “Thank you for being here you two. I love you both.” That is all she says, in her half-asleep state. Then she returns to dreamland. Hopefully she will only have pleasant dreams forever more.

I watch Twilight’s steady breathing. It falters and then comes to a stop. She has passed peacefully in her sleep, with Spike and Twilight standing beside her. Spike looks up at her. “No. Twilight, no! You can’t leave me here all alone.” He is crying, barely able to speak through the tears. “Don’t leave me…” He says no more, falling into the hands of sorrow.

I walk over to my dragon friend. I wrap a wing around him. “You are not alone. I’m here.” I feel tears slipping out of my eyes, running races down my face before falling in cascades to the floor. “We have each other.”

We stay like that for a long time, as doctors rush in the room, seeing if there is any life left in her. When there isn’t, they cover her with a blanket, say their condolences, and wheel the bed out of the room, leaving Spike and I together, while in our minds we are alone.

***

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am writing you this final letter, as I know I will soon be gone. I just want to say thank you. Thank you for being my mentor and dear friend, for being there for me through the good and the bad, through the happiness and sadness, and for trying to save me in the end. I knew that my time here on this world was done, even before that spell failed.

But you gave me something better than eternal life: you proved to me that you loved me. And your love is all that I ever strove for. Love of friends is what I always wanted, and it is what I received. Love from you proved that I did something right in life. Thank you for trying to save me. That attempt is more than I ever could have asked for.

Tell Spike that I love him, and that I wish that I didn’t have to leave him. But tell him that I am happy, and that I am ready to face whatever is to come. I’m telling you those things as well. I love you, Princess Celestia, and the love of you and Spike is all that kept me going all of these years since my friends passed. I am not afraid. I want you to know that.

For the final time,

Your faithful student and friend,

Twilight Sparkle

***

I noticed the letter when I arrived to my room, much later that evening. It was on my desk, like all letters that she had ever sent me. Spike did not send it; she teleported it herself, with the last of her energy. I wish that she wasn’t gone.

I wish that I had told her how much I loved her, how much I still love her. But I think that my actions spoke louder than words. I think, I hope, that she understood just how much I cared.

I didn’t leave Spike’s side until Cadance arrived to comfort him. Since then, Luna has not left my side. We each have someone to be there for us, and we will always have each other. Always. That word is a lie.

‘There is always next time’ is a fraud. ‘I’ll always have feeling for you,’ a falsehood. ‘Always is simply propaganda, put in the minds of the young and hopeful, those naïve enough to still believe. And I was among those until Twilight’s death. Now I know better.

There is no always.

Unless I have something to say about it.

Goodbye

I recall Twilight’s funeral as I am here with my friends.

Spike, Luna, Cadance, and I gathered together to celebrate Twilight’s life and mourn her death. It was a small ceremony; just the four of us left who knew her well gathering together to share memories and say a few words about what Twilight meant to us. It was meant to give us closure, in theory, and aide in the grieving process. In theory, we can move on together, as a team. However, I know that ponies cannot stay together forever. Cadance has to return to the Crystal Empire tomorrow; Spike will inevitably retire to his chamber and wish to be alone for days if not weeks or months; and Luna and I will have to return to our royal duties here in the palace, leaving little time to properly grieve.

But it is my duty as the oldest and ‘wisest’ of the group to give my support to all and suggest to the others how they should proceed, an as tradition would dictate, I am to give all of this in a brief speech. But I knew that any speech I gave will be a lie. I hate lying to Luna, but if she knew how I really felt, she would be disappointed to say the least. I’m the one that’s supposed to know what to do all of the time. I, the eldest sister, am always ‘meant’ to be the leader. Oh how I long for some time off, maybe a year, just to be able to grieve for my faithful student. But I would not desert Luna for that long.

I entered the hall, seeing perhaps the worst sight of my life so far, even worse than walking in on Luna when she became Nightmare Moon: the lifeless body of my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, sitting there in a casket. Her once elderly frame had been magicked to look as it once did in her youth, a frightening sight; seeing her like this just brings back the horror of what she had become. She was a testament to the way that ponies live and die, and now here she lies forever, immortalized in a visage of the life she once held. A pity, seeing the ponies around me decay, leaving nothing but lifeless cadavers to show for lives well lived. And here I looked on the haunting sight of one of the dearest ponies of all, following their example.

I reached where my remaining friends stand together by her casket. They all looked at me with eyes filled with sadness and regret. Yet in their eyes is something that I do not feel myself: hope for the future. I had to feign hope, as it is my duty as the ruler of Equestria to stand by my ponies and give them hope. Even when those ponies are my friends and equals. We shared no words as I proceeded to the casket and look upon my deceased student. It makes me sick to know that if I had just been a little stronger I might have been able to save her. But alas, I did not, and I know of nothing I could do to change the past. Time travel spells are around, but it is forbidden to change anything in the past. And even if I were willing to break this rule, I would not be able to change anything anyway. I did everything that I could. I did everything that I would. I should not let there be regrets. Yet I simply cannot move on.

It was time. I said nothing directly to them. I had a speech planned. A speech to give them hope where I am lacking; but more than that, a speech that covers up what I am truly feeling. Yes, I was sure that my emotions will allow for a few or many tears. But the pure agony and anger that I hold inside will not come out. I will not let them. There is not a plan as to who will speak and who will not, but we each plan to share a little bit about how we knew here and felt about her, to give a brief glimpse into the good that was her life. I clear my throat.

“Hello, my friends,” I said with a pause. I allowed them time to look at me, to give themselves a break in their morning to hear me out. “As you all know, we have gathered here not to mourn the death of Twilight Sparkle, but to celebrate her life. I am aware that we will all grieve for her; that is only natural and healthy. However, this gathering is to begin that process in a positive light instead of all of us being alone. Because we must remember, through all of this, we will always have each other.” I paused, fighting the urge to wince at that word: ‘always’.

“When I think of Twilight Sparkle, I remember the good times, the days when she was well. Even on her deathbed, she was full of life. She was one of the happiest ponies that I knew. I am very proud to have had her as a student.

“But she was more than that. I thought of Twilight as my daughter, though I never did manage to tell her that. But I cannot regret that now. We must remember the good that was Twilight, not the things that we forgot to do or forgot to say. We should allow ourselves to be at peace with the past and let our memories of her help us move on into the future.” Lies, lies, all of it lies. I do not feel this way. Yet I continued, being sincere to an extent. “I remember when I first met her, how happy she was to get her Cutie Mark. I remember how happy she was to become my student. I remember how sad she was when she thought that she would have to leave Ponyville and return to Canterlot and how happy she was when she found out she could stay. I remember every one of her letters, the good and the bad. But most of all, I remember her smile.”

“I also remember the bad times, the times of sadness and sorrow. One that sticks out in my mind to this day is the changeling incident, and how I did not trust her, how I was so quick to disown her. I have regretted it ever since. But, I digress. I’ve gone back to regrets and bad memories, while we are supposed to be focusing on the good.” I sighed, clearing my mind. “I will keep this speech short. I only wish to once again clarify that we will always have each other, no matter how far apart we may be. And that is the message I wish to convey, my friends. We must remember that we have each other.” Yet I cannot share my true feelings with anypony else. I must keep them safe within my heart, lest someone try to stop me should I decide to do anything about them. I smiled sadly and returned to the same level as the others.

Nopony else had planned a speech. Nopony else intended to share their memories with each other; we were all greedy, wishing to keep them close to our own hearts and not share them with others. That is not to say, however, that we did not share companionship in our time of need. We simply did not use words, as there was nothing to say. Twilight Sparkle was a large portion of each of our words. And now that portion is without a protecting shell. All that remains are the memories that we will hold dear, yet they are so fragile, and as time passes, they will fade if we don’t protect them. Even as we stood by her grave, as she was lowered into her final resting place, we shared no words. When there is nothing to say, nothing is said.

Only now there are words. And they are apologies and condolences. Now that it’s over, we share some of our preciously guarded memories, because now everything is final, and we are able to share them in peace. And when we are done, we can all go home, hopeful for the future because Twilight Sparkle’s death has not been our first, nor will it be our last.

***

I sit her in my chambers. It is the middle of the night. I have asked Luna for a leave of absence. Though it may be unfair of me to leave Luna to handle matters of state alone in her current state of emotions, I have never asked for an extended period of time off, and we agreed that it was a good decision. I would not be the good decision maker that I am needed to be if I do not give myself some time to contemplate where to go from here.

And where do I go from here? That is the question that needs to be answered. Sure, I should just sit here and grieve, but I know that that would never be enough. So what do I do? I need to make a change somewhere, but where, and how?

I’m just so angry. Angry with myself for letting my faithful student die. I’m angry with magic for not being strong enough for me to succeed in my spell. But more than anything I’m angry with death. Why do ponies have to die? They did nothing worse than I have ever done. I guarantee that I’ve done worse. Yet they die while I live on. Why? I wonder. Why must it be this way? Isn’t there something I can do? Anything? Any little change at all would satisfy me. Even if it gave my little ponies only a few more years with their friends and family, I would be pacified. But how can I make such a change?

I once read that death was an entity in itself, a living, breathing, being. But I do not understand. Surely it is simply not possible. Ideas and possibilities are not physical in the world. But the more I think about it, death isn’t an idea; it’s a reality, something that simply is part of life. But even knowing that, what can I do to stop it, or at least hold it back for a while? There must be something. I know there has to be.

Could death be destroyed, if it’s a living being? What if it isn’t, can you destroy certainties or realities? Is it the right thing to do if I could? Could I make ‘always’ be true? Could I help my little ponies live on forever?

Beginning

This morning my new quest begins. I have already been to the library. Nobody could suspect anything out of the ordinary about that, so there was no need to sneak. I can take as many books as I please, no worrying about the librarian asking questions. As long as I say, ‘I’m taking five books,’ for example, she won’t question me. Being a princess has its benefits. I just don’t make a habit of using those benefits willy-nilly. But there is a time and place for everything; this just happens to be the time and place. So I used my influence and got the books that I needed without a hitch.

Nopony can suspect a thing. Everything must be a carefully guarded secret. Oh, how I wish that I could tell Luna. But I know that like that spell that seems so long ago, she would try to do something to stop me if she had any idea of my plans. And like then, I really don’t want to be stopped. I just want to do something. Even if I could just give everypony an extra day or two to say their goodbyes, I would be satisfied. Well, not satisfied, to be honest, but pacified and I would learn to accept it.

I have already gone through the books and I have found nothing of use. The books all describe death as a bird, a raven, or something of the like. However, I put little stock in these, as surely they are just symbolism. Sadly, I found no suggestion on how to find death, because it is said that either in to invisible to all but those who are in the process of dying, or perhaps that death works from afar rather than in the presence of a victim. But, I digress, all that matters is that nothing was helpful. Nothing helpful at all…

However, one book that mentioned death tells of a place. A place where nothing is happy and where there is only grief. And this place is said to be wherever you make it. All you have to do is search for it and get lost. However, what counts as lost isn’t clear. Physically lost one would assume, but what if someone has lost their path in life, could that do it? I haven’t lost my path, so if that is the case then I suppose this journey is impossible.

I cannot lose my way in life. I have too much to protect. I cannot let this get the better of me. All that I can do is go out there and try to physically lose my way. The Everfree Forest is a good place to do just that. Even with all of the knowledge that I have gathered over the years, I cannot be completely sure of my location in an ever changing environment such as that forest. So that is my best bet.

The only issue now is getting out of the palace without guards. I suppose that I could teleport out, which would eliminate the sneaking variable, but even then, they can track me, a precaution that I instated after the changeling incident. It was perhaps one of the best decisions that I have made in my life, yet in times like this, it is the worst case scenario. Oh, how I should think through every possible variable before I make decisions. But this never would have occurred to me that I would possibly happen. Even if I told them not to track me, it might make them more careful to do so. So what do I do?

I do know of a spell, come to think of it. A simple spell. It would last no more than a week, and when Luna found out that I used it she would worry. I should really tell Luna that I’m leaving for a little while, even if I cannot tell her why. I just feel so guilty doing this. I’ll come up with some kind of excuse. I’ve always been a decent liar; not the best, but not the worst either.

It is evening now, and there is no evening court these days, so I can speak with Luna freely. I go to her chamber door and knock. When I am told to enter, I do so. “Celestia! How are you enjoying your break?” Luna implores.

“I’m making good use of it. I can’t say that I’m much up to enjoying anything yet, but I’m giving myself time to think things through. Thank you so much for letting me have this time off. I know that you are taking this hard as well.” I sigh.

“Of course, sister, you can take as much time as you need. For a thousand years you handled both day and night; you deserve a break, well timed or not. And I’m sure that you’ll be on call in case of a crisis.”

“Of course. I will always be here for you.” Ugh, there I go with that always again. It’s all I can do not to flinch. I don’t bother to force as smile; she’s not expecting one anyway.

She smiles at me sadly. “You seem troubled, dearest sister. Just know how much I love you. You can tell me anything.”

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about me.” I pause and look at her with a false smile. “I think that I’m going to leave the palace for a few days. I tire of the constant guards and structure. I think I’m going on a little adventure. Something to brighten my mood.” None of that was a lie. It just wasn’t the entire truth. So long as she doesn’t ask…

“Okay, where is that you’re going?”

Drat. “I’m not really sure yet. I think that I may just go where the wind takes me.” Sounds like a good excuse to me.

“Do be careful, Celestia. I don’t want to lose you too. I just want you to be happy again. And if this will make you happier, then I will gladly fill in for you while you travel.”

If only she knew how happy it would make me. “I’ll be careful. And I’m sure that this will help. I just need some time to think about things, and constant guards do not help that.” This will definitely make me much happier, if I can just set my plan into motion.

“Well, I’m sure that you can protect yourself, and you can always call me if you run into any problems.”

“Thank you, Luna. I’m heading out in the morning, so I may not get to see you again before I leave. So I’ll just say that I love you and I will see you when I get back.”

“I love you as well, sister. Be careful.”

“Of course. Good night.”

“Good night.”

***

Ah, the Everfree Forest. The majestic beauty. The wildness and fright. So many ponies fear it, and so many ponies are thus deprived of its magnificence.

Perhaps their fear is warranted, though, as mantacores and cockatrices are common within. But with a little bit of knowledge of your surroundings, you can be perfectly safe. And I know a little bit about the forest. The original castle was within it, not Canterlot, and I used to know a little bit about the forest. The original castle was within it, not in Canterlot, and I used to travel through the wilderness without guides or guards, in order to clear my mind. But that has been more than a thousand years ago now. I hope that my knowledge remains intact.

Remembering how to navigate in the forest is moot anyway; I need to get lost, and it’s easier to lose one’s bearings if one does not pay too much mind to where they are going. Of course, I will be vigilant for whatever monsters might be lurking around, but my main concern is to find myself in the middle of nowhere. And I am well on my way to doing that. I’ve been wandering through these woods aimlessly for what feels like hours. I think that I might be walking in circles even. I feel like I’ve seen that tree before. It looks as though it has a face on it, so it is memorable; surely I wouldn’t confuse it with another. I need to find surroundings that are more difficult to identify in order to truly get lost.

But it seems as though when one tries to get lost, they find it impossible. Being lost is a mindset. If you are consciously trying, you are failing. So I will try to think of other things. For instance, what is death, truly? It is an entity that brings it or is it the act of dying itself? How do you differentiate? I suppose that doesn’t really matter, though, as I could tell anyone that I don’t care how I go about it, I’m going to get compensation for losing my faithful student. I’m going to get revenge, as one would say.

Wait a second, what am I saying? I stop in my tracks. I’m not doing this just for revenge, am I? I shake my head. No. I’m doing this for all of my little ponies, not just for the memory of Twilight Sparkle. Yes, that’s right. I need to keep that in mind. But a little voice in the back of my head still questions whether this is right or wrong. It’s not like I’m sure that I’m going to do anything to death if I should find it. And more than likely there is nothing to find.

Yes, surely this is the case. All of this thinking makes me tired. I look around at the forest surrounding me. Maybe when I wake up, I will forget where I am and be lost. Yes. Let’s do that. I find a safe looking tree to perch in and go to sleep.

***

I’m wandering through an empty void. Everything is hazy and nothing feels like it makes sense. Suddenly I see Twilight standing in the center of everything. Why do I feel so distressed to see her here and now? I try to run to her, but I cannot reach her; she just keeps getting farther and farther away. I have to get to her. I don’t know why, but something important depends on it. I need to tell her something, or ask her something, I’m not sure. Yet she keeps getting farther and farther away, even as I increase my stride, even as I begin to fly. I fly with all of my might, wishing only that I could reach her.

Suddenly I’m in the palace gardens, staring at Discord. He speaks. “My, my Celestia. I never thought I’d see you in such as state. So vulnerable, so lonely.” I try to speak, but I have no voice. He is still set in stone no movement in sight. “It’s that student of yours, isn’t it? Twilight Sparkle? Well, I suppose that you’ll blame me for that at some point, but I’m not the one to blame. It’s another embodiment that you are looking for. It’s like you forgot that I am chaos in a physical form. Realities can be given a physical state. You know that.” I gasp for air but am unable to breathe. “Oh Celestia, how I love seeing you like this. Don’t blame me; death is who you’re looking for, not me.” An image of a little filly, a normal filly other than her mane and coat, which are black as coal. She is opaque and she wears a necklace of a scythe around her neck. “Now you know. But you don’t know where to find her. I do. Do you want to know?” I cannot breathe, my throat is constricting. “Well I won’t tell you!”

***

I find myself jarred awake. It is still the middle of the night. Was that just a dream? Or do you really have something to set my sights on now? I guess that there’s no way to know. I wouldn’t trust Discord to tell me the truth, yet he has never really lied to anyone. He just speaks in riddles. Perhaps it was just a dream. How gave no riddle; he just outright refused to say anything. But do I go on with purpose? I know what he said was true about being living chaos. Chaos is a reality, something that there will always be, though it can be controlled to an extent. Well, that could have just been my subconscious working that out on its own. It did not have to be a message from Discord. Not that I’d listen to any message form that nutcase anyway. I’m not an idiot.

I get up. I guess all I can do is move on. I think that I’m now officially lost. I have no idea where I am. I suppose that means that when I wake again I will be more lost. Yes, I’m still exhausted, more so after that dream. Yet as I settle in, I find that I cannot sleep. My thoughts wander. Are my intentions truly pure? Or am I just trying to get revenge? Surely there is something. I find myself at a crossroads, grasping to any possibilities of another reason. I’m doing this for my little ponies, not just for myself. It’s true. Yes, it’s true. Think of how much it hurt for Cadance to see Shining Armor go, how much sadness it brought. She and I are not the only ones experiencing this pain and grief. I feel myself become more and more awake. I get down from the tree. Yes, I’m doing this for Twilight Sparkle’s memory, but there’s more to it, surely.

The moment that my hooves touch the ground, I can feel the energy surrounding me. I see the forest disappear, the trees and vines dissolving into mist. The moonlight fades, being replaced by a hazy light with no source, only a fraction of the light that my sun would have given off. I am walking on the surface of what appears to be water but feels like glass. Have I found it? Have I found the place where no hope lies?

Then it disappears as quickly as it came to light. I’m back in the Everfree, on the ground below the tree that I had been in. was that the place that I seek? Or am I just imagining things? The forest does get you, after a time. Another step forward. Another brief glimpse but like the other it fades away. Please, oh please come back. I need to do this. I need to end death. I don’t even have to do anything else. It can be my final act as a pony. I don’t care. This is all I need. My final journey, if it must be. I just need to do this. Another step. My vision ripples. If find myself on the glass lake again. This time it does not fade immediately. Another step, then another, the misty pond stays in place. There is nothing on the horizon, nothing in sight. I am finally here. Then it fades once again. I feel my will falter, my mind go into a haze. I am suddenly exhausted. No I need to go on. I feel my legs buckle under me, and I am overtaken by the darkness of sleep.

Torn

The moon hovers just above the horizon, a messenger of the new night. I yawn and pull myself out of my bed, only to find myself in the middle of a forest. The Everfree Forest. This might make sense if my bed was not here, but as it is, I know that I must be dreaming. I vaguely remember falling asleep suddenly after seeing something important. What was it?

Ah, yes, the place of unhappiness, the land of which I seek. I search my hazy mind for a reason why. Ah, yes, I’m looking for death. I need to destroy it for the sake of my ponies, right? Is that why I’m looking? My mind is in a haze. Perhaps that is the case, though I feel as though part of that is a lie. No. I’m doing this for my ponies and Twilight Sparkle. For if it weren’t for death, Twilight Sparkle would still be here. But destroy death? Yes, that’s what I want, no matter how harsh it may seem.

I see a form in the moon, a shadow flying from it to me. Luna, my dearest sister, is suddenly standing before me. “Dearest sister, how are you? How goes the adventure?” she asks.

“Alright, I suppose. Not getting the results that I was hoping for yet, but I guess that I was expecting too much.” I choke back nervous laughter. My emotions really come through in my dreams, far more than I let on in real life. I cannot hide anything from Luna here. I scrape a hoof on the ground compulsively and look away from her face.

“Oh? And what is it you were hoping for?” I can tell that she has become suspicious of my body language. She tries to make eye contact, but I avoid her gaze. “Celestia, please tell me. You know that I’d never do anything to hurt you. Maybe I can help.”

“I doubt that you could help, or that you would want to.”

“Tell me!” she exclaims in frustration. “Please,” she adds sheepishly.

“Alright.” I still avoid her eyes for a moment, feeling guilty of what I plan to do. But I finally meet her gaze to tell her the truth. Perhaps this is just a dream, not actually Luna I am talking to. It’s worth the chance to get this off of my chest. “I seek Death.”

“Celestia? Surely you are not pondering suicide.”

“Not at all. I seek an answer as to why ponies have to die.” I break eye contact, as the concern in her eyes pains me. “It hurts all ponies so much when somepony dies. I just want to know why. Why does it have to be this way?”

“Sister, you surely know why ponies have to die. Populations would get too high and people would starve without even the relief of death. Equestria is a safe haven, allowing ponies to live far longer than those in other lands that are full of disease and drought. Is that not enough?”

“But why don’t you and I die if that is the ultimate meaning of life? Why must everypony suffer so much pain?”

“I… I don’t know,” she admits. “I’m sorry sister. I suppose that if all you intend to do is ask Death that question, no harm will come of it.”

“I wish it were that simple.” I feel myself fighting tears for some reason. I need to tell her the truth. I need to be honest with her. I’m tired of lying. “I am going to ask Death to end its cycle. I want the act of dying to be gone. I want my ponies to live. It is my duty as the ruler of Equestria to protect my ponies from anything, even realities.” The tears have been replaced with determination. I feel that nothing can stop me. Yet, the little voice in the back of my head, growing ever weaker, tells me to halt, to cease and desist.

“No, Celestia, we just talked about what would happen. This isn’t right for our ponies. You must not do it!”

“Oh, but I must do this Luna. The fate of Equestria rests in my hooves and I need only to convince death to end its reign of terror. And if it will not do as I ask, then I will make it! One way or another, DEATH WILL END!” I feel myself surrounded in a wave of energy. My vision ripples. I feel the tears burn away. I have no more doubts. Yes! I go to end death! I see myself surrounded by flames. Luna backs away.

“Celestia, no! Don’t let the darkness overtake you! You’re stronger than this!” Luna looks extremely distressed. I guess that she’s never seen me take a stand like this before.

“Oh, but I am stronger. I have the strength to do this!”

“Celestia STOP!”

“Now, now, don’t worry about me. I’ll be back soon. Don’t come after me; you won’t be able to find me.”

I feel the dream begin to fade. Ah, finally, I will wake and begin my journey with new purpose, a true purpose. I will stop death no matter what the cost.

“STOP! YOU MUST NOT GO ON! SISTER!” Luna yells as I proceed away from her. “Celestia… no… not like me…”

***

As I wake I realize that I feel different, more powerful, I just feel… relieved. Like there is a weight off of my chest and I can breathe again. I stand up and take a step forward. That single step causes the forest to disappear. The glass lake is beneath me. That was certainly easier than before. I note that I am surrounded by a glow, as though I’m shimmering. I look to my left, then my right and see nothing worth noticing. Then I look down at the reflective surface of the pond. My cat remains white as snow, but it seems to glow now. But my mane, my mane is on fire. It’s beautiful, but very strange. I feel like this should bother me, yet I feel no concern. I wonder why?

No time for wondering though. I continue forward, glad that the forest does not reappear. I would hate for the chance to slip away. It has taken me so long to get this far, I don’t want that all to go to waste. I see something in the distance, beyond what I could ordinarily see. However, this place is different, a completely flat and empty void, allowing my vision to be uninterrupted. I keep walking forward, towards whatever it is. It thankfully doesn’t do anything tricky like move farther away. It stays in place, and every step I take it draws nearer. Finally I can see it and tell what it is. It’s a tree. A random tree in the middle of this glass lake. Well, I suppose that stranger things have definitely happened. Why do I feel so happy? Just a while ago I was filled only with grief and anger. Now I feel on top of the world. Is it just because I’m finally getting my way? I couldn’t really say.

I reach the tree. I examine around it’s trunk before I look up. Within its branches is a tree house, a dilapidated thing, boards falling down and rotting away. I flap my wings briefly to reach the doorway. I will not fit through the opening, but I can see that within the room is empty and pitch black. “Hello?” I say, searching for a sign of anything. Nothing is said in response. I turn to leave only to see a little filly, coat and mane black as coal, with a scythe around her neck, coming up behind me. “Hello,” I say.

“Hello Celestia? What brings you here to the Void of the Forlorn?” the filly asks cheerfully.

Is this who I seek? “I’m looking for Death. I would like to speak with them.”

“You’ve come to the right place then! Though I’m not really sure how you got here…” She smiles. “That’s me, Death! Some people call me other names, but I don’t really care for any of them, so Death works as well as any!” She smiles again and climbs into the tree house. “Come on in!” She waits for me but them realizes: “Oh! I don’t think you’ll fit in here. I guess we can talk out there, but it’s kind of creepy, you know.”

Is this who I’m bargaining with? A little filly, happy as can be, going about her day like any other filly would, living in a playhouse like any child would dream? A little voice in the back of my head tells me to stop, but the rest says to continue as planned. Maybe just a little less violently.

“Well?” she asks.

“Oh. Yes. Well I was just wondering why everything that lives has to die.”

“You came all the way out here to ask me that? Okay.” She frowns. “I don’t really know. That’s just the way things are, all I do is the dirty work. I don’t decide what happens in when, I just do it!”

“Well could you stop ‘just doing it’? Why must you do it? Why must ponies die?”

She taps a hoof against her chin. “Hmmm… Nope, sorry. I don’ think that I can do anything about it. Why’s your hair all flamey anyway, Celestia? I thought that you had a pretty rainbow-like mane that shimmered in the sun, not fire that is bright on its own.”

I ignore her question. “You’re telling me that you don’t have any choice in the matter? No choice at all?”

“That’s what I’m telling you.”

“What if someone were to stop you from doing your job? How would that work?”

“Well, if I can’t go out and take away ponies’ souls, then I suppose that the ponies wouldn’t die, but that wouldn’t be very nice because they wouldn’t get to go to—“ I make a bag appear and place Death inside. I won’t harm her, but that won’t stop me from holding her hostage. “Help, Celestia! Somepony is kidnapping me?”

“It’s me, you little dimwit. I’m just going to give you a little break from work is all.”

“That doesn’t really work for me. I thought that you were supposed to be nice to everypony, but I guess that I was misinformed.”

I snort. “Yes, well, when you took away the most important pony to me, lots of things changed.”

“I’m sorry that I had to take your friend away. It’s not my fault. Why don’t you let me go now, so I can just get back to work and you can go back to your job too?”

“Not until you agree to stop working all together!”

“Sorry, I can’t do that!”

“Then I’m sorry, I can’t let you go!” I continue walking. I am suddenly returned to the Everfree Forest. I continue forward, not really caring where I go, ignoring the struggling filly in the bag as much as I can.

***

“This is getting old really fast,” I say, exhausted but worried to let go of the filly in the bag.

“You could just let me go! Then you could get back to your business!” Death says from within her little prison.

“Not going to happen, you little twerp.”

I see something coming from the distance. Three forms, all roughly the same size. Is it a pack of Timber Wolves coming to get me again? They should have learned by now how easily I can send them away. Just a quick spark and they are set on fire, destroying them instantly. The forms grow closer. I try to tell what they are, wary of what is coming towards me. I can vaguely see through the fog the shapes of two alicorns and a small dragon. Cadance, Luna, and Spike? What are they doing here?

They grow ever closer. I stand up, grab the bag, and make a hasty retreat. However, I am followed by the running forms of my family. They’re keeping up with me. I cannot fly through this part of the forest; the trees are too close together, so I cannot open my wings. I try to lose them, but simply cannot, so I find myself cornered in a cave of sorts.

“You were right, Luna. She’s gone, isn’t she?” I hear Cadance say through the darkness. The little light that Is put off of my flaming mane allows me to see them. This new mane is so much better then plain old auroras; so bright and powerful. But none of that matters right now.

“Princess Celestia? Is that you?” Spike asks in disbelief.

“What do you want?” I ask, backing up against the rock wall behind me. I think that I can break through with my magic. It isn’t a very thick wall; it almost seems manufactured. A trap, maybe? Why would my friends want to trap me? They move closer. “Stay back or the filly gets it!” I move the bag behind me protectively.

“A little help over here?” says the filly in the bag.

“Celestia, let her go this instant!” Luna commands. “Nopony has been dying; I know that you have Death! Have you hurt her?”

“No, she’s fine; I haven’t harmed a hair on her head.” I’m glad that nopony is dying. That means my plan is working. Luna steps forward. “Stay back!” I wave the bag around threateningly. “I will turn her to stone if you keep coming at me! Don’t make me do it!”

Luna takes a step back. “Celestia, be reasonable. Ponies are suffering because of you. Please don’t do it or we must do something to stop you. Let her go.”

“I’m never letting her go until she agrees to stop taking my ponies away from me!” I prepare a spell to break through the wall and am ready to run for it.

“This is ridiculous!”

“Get back!” I exclaim.

“No. You give me back my sister, whoever you are! You are not Celestia!”

This makes me pause. A little voice in the back of my head is crying, has been crying for all this time, screaming for help. Shut up! “No. I’m not Celestia. I’m better than Celestia, I am beyond her power, and I am all powerful!” I blast them with a shockwave of energy that breaks the wall and gallop off. The voice implores me to stop, let Death go and go home. But I will not. I have my mission and will carry it on to the end.

I am stopped by them. They are suddenly in front of me. Stupid teleportation, why didn’t I think of that? I try to disappear, but they have up some form of ward. I cannot break it. Why can’t I break it? I am all powerful. I can do anything. “Let me go!” I am surrounded by my so called friends. I notice something around their necks. The Elements of Harmony? “What are you doing?” They close their eyes in concentration. “Stop!” They begin to float. I pull death out of her bag and hover her in front of me to prepare a stone spell. “Stop or she becomes a rock!” However, they do not stop. I begin the spell. Death is screaming and squirming. That should stop them.

Suddenly, I find a rainbow of light coming at me. It is my turn to scream. They are using the Elements on me? I look at them. How is this working with two ponies and a dragon? I just don’t know how it could. Yet I feel myself being pulled away. My magic breaks, my stone spell reverses. “Why?” I hear myself ask.

And then all is gone. I am nothing anymore. There is nothing but light and heat. I am blinded and I am in pain. Let me just sleep… Maybe when I wake up this nightmare will be over.

Author's Note

Epilogue will be coming after this, but due to school, I don't know when. I appreciate your patience.

Epilogue Part One

Princess Luna, one thousand years later…

I have gazed at the sun each morning as I raised it for the last millennia, always hoping to see some sign that Celestia is alright. I had given up on ever seeing my sister. Perhaps the Elements of Harmony overstepped their bounds this time, destroying the target rather than the previous, gentler sentences that it had previously doled out. But in the sun, I saw a ray of hope. Perhaps, one day, Celestia will come back. I have seen the signs: her face in the sun, much like they say my face was in the moon; the way that the stars are aligning themselves; and the Elements themselves have been reacting. They have become dormant, Spike, Cadance, and my links to them growing weaker to the point that we can no longer use them. No, we have to find ponies that can do it in our place. And in my student that I took on much as Celestia took on Twilight Sparkle all of those years ago, I have found a glimmer of hope. She even has a group of five friends that seem to fit the bill.

Nevertheless, I wish that my sister would come home. That is all that I ask for. That is all that I need.

And if the signs are correct, today is the day.

***

Princess Celestia

For a thousand years I have slept to keep away the pain of constant fire surrounding me. For a thousand years I have grown angrier and angrier with Luna, Cadance, and Spike. Yet each day, a part of me that thinks that they did what was right grows stronger. No. it is unforgivable, I have been trapped on the sun for the past thousand years. I have only survived because I have been able to sleep. It keeps me sane. Mostly.

What I did was wrong. Ponies have to die. I know that now. But that doesn’t make it any easier to stop myself from being furious over my so called friends using the Elements of Harmony on me… Then again, I guess that two thousand years ago I used the Elements on Luna myself.

If I could do it all again, I’d still do it. I wouldn’t change a thing. I learned an important lesson that I would not have learned otherwise. A lesson that changed me. I will come to forgive Luna, Cadance, and Spike, with time, particularly when I get out of here. That is, if I am not overtaken by anger and fear once again. I want to be Celestia again, not the monster that I had become. But I believe that I will be fine. I don’t know what will come, but I will come through in the end stronger and braver than before.

I am being pulled away. I open my weary eyes to see that the flames no longer surround me. I find myself in the Everfree forest, where I was cast away. Though I do not know what happened, I see that I’m surrounded by six ponies wielding the Elements of Harmony. They look prepared to fight, and I feel as though they should. I look up at the moon. I’m ready not. I’m ready to go home. I feel the Elements’ magic hit me, but this time it is a gentle tingling rather than an overwhelming force. I look around and see the ponies’ surprised faces, wondering why I’m not putting up any fight. ‘Is this a trick?’ they seem to wonder. I want my sister back. No, I want all of my friends back. I just want my life again. I see the flames of my mane fizzle out, changing my hair to a pink hue that it had once been when I was young and innocent. I fall to the ground. I see the ponies staring, wondering whether I was going to hurt them. They’re terrified.

From the moon comes Luna. I look into her eyes. “I’m so sorry!” we say simultaneously. She comes over and embraces me. And just like that, all is forgiven, everything is fine.

And I will never leave my friends again, until death do us part. And I will let it.

Epilogue Part Two

I am curled up in my bed waiting for the dawn to come. Luna has had to raise the sun for so long that I think that it is my turn. I hear the door to my room open.

“Wake up, Princess Celestia,” says Twilight Sparkle. “It’s time for a new day.”

What? “But Twilight, you’re dead.” I stare at her for a moment in wonder. She’s back to her healthy, wonderful self, with no grey hairs in her mane and no wrinkles on her skin. She just smiles at me.

“I know. But you know what? You can be too, if you want.” I see all of her friends through the window. They are waiting patiently.

“Yes, Princess Celestia.” Out of the dark corner steps Death. She sighs, looking down. “I am so sorry that I had to take your friend away. So I brought her here to see you. All you have to do is choose. Would you rather stay alive and be a princess forever, or would you rather be with your friends and wait for the day that Luna, Cadance, and Spike can join you?”

“All you have to do is choose. I miss you, Princess. And I know that you miss me. But I also know that you will miss Luna. So it is all up to you.” Twilight is still smiling bright as day. She’s so happy.

I want to be that happy. Though I feel that I should be torn, the answer is clear to me. “Yes,” I say. “I’ve lived a long and happy life. I will see my other friends one day. It is my time. I am ready to die.”

“Not everypony gets the choice, you know.” Death smiles at me. “But I’m sure that everypony will be happy to see you.”

“What about Luna, will she know?”

“She’ll just think that you passed peacefully in your sleep, unless you want her to know otherwise.” Death steps closer to the door.

“No. I like the sound of her thinking that I passed peacefully and painlessly, which I will, but I don’t think that she could possibly understand.”

“As you wish.” Death exits the room for a few moments, as do Twilight’s friends, leaving only me and my faithful student.

I hug Twilight. “I missed you too, Princess Celestia.”

“I’m not a princess, anymore, Twilight. I’m just Celestia now.”

Death returns. “It is done,” she says. “Come, Twilight, Celestia. Let us go.” She grins brightly at us and turns to lead the way.

So death has done us part. It was my decision. And I’m glad that I made it. Now here I am, forever with my faithful student, my friend. And we will face whatever comes together.

For forever is real. I just forgot that for a while.

Author's Note

Tada! Officially the end. I like this ending better myself, so I hope that this pleases people. Thank you for the criticism.