Space Truckin'

It was a cloudy night, and Trixie and Gilda were drifting from town to town as usual. Suddenly, out of the clouds came an 18 wheeler and it landed right next to them. The doors slowly opened, and out came a squid faced ponyoid and a dome shaped robot. “PATHETIC EQUESTRIANS, WE ARE SEEKING SOME HOT MARE BABE ACTION. GET ABDUCTED BY US OR BE EXTERMINATED,” yelled the robot, known as a dalek, in an angry robot voice.

“You know what, why the fuck not,” said Gilda.

“Are you sure, Gilda?” asked Trixie, surprised of the griffon’s acceptance.

“Yeah, if something fucked up doesn’t happen now, it’s just gonna happen later on. Might as well get it over with.”

“ALL RIGHT, WE’LL JUST PULL YOU IN WITH THE TRACTOR BEAM,” said the dalek.

“We could just walk in that thing,” said Gilda.

“WHAT, THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PROPERLY GET ABDUCTED BY AN ALIEN AND A DALEK.”

“Why did I even ask?” said Gilda.

The two of them were pulled into the space truck with the tractor beam, and they were off into space. Even though it was pitch black, the wrinkly grey pony with tentacles where its mouth and nose should be was wearing sunglasses. It was also wearing a net hat that said “my other truck is my wife.”

“I GUESS WE SHOULD INTRODUCE OURSELVES,” said the dalek, “I AM CLOGSO THE DALEK AND THIS IS BIG SACINTOSH THE PONY OOD.”

“Why do they call you Clogso?” asked Trixie.

“BECAUSE IF I GET DOWN AND DIRTY WITH YOU, I’LL CLOG UP YOUR EXHAUST PIPES. YOU EQUINES HAVE EXHAUST PIPES, RIGHT?”

“What the hell do you space freaks want?” asked Gilda, angrily.

“I HAVE A SIMPLE AMBITION. ALWAYS JUST A LONELY DALEK IN THE UNIVERSE, I ONLY EVER WANTED TWO THINGS. TO GO SCUBA DIVING IN THE MARE-E-ANA TRENCH AND TO MAKE LOVE TO A HAWK TIGER.”

Gilda did not like where this was going. Trixie was all for this, and was coming onto Clogso. But she noticed a lot of buttons and levers on the dashboard; “hey, what does this button do?” she said as she pressed a small button that was in the middle of rows and columns of at least 40 others. A giant laser could be seen shooting towards Equestria.

“OUR ORBITAL LASERS JUST DETROYED ALL OF EQUESTRIA, THAT WAS PRETTY COOL.”

“That was really cool,” said Gilda.

A few minutes later, a time portal opened, and out came Doctor Whooves. “I am here to stop you guys from blowing up Equestria,” he said.

“OH, COME BACK IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES BEFORE NOW. THAT’LL BE BEFORE WE BLOW IT UP,” said Clogso.

Five minutes before now: A time portal opened and out came Doctor Whooves. Clogso got startled and fired his gun thing at him, blowing his head into pieces. “DALEKS: 13, TIME LORDS: 0,” said Clogso as Doctor Whoove’s brains painted the windshield. Then Trixie pressed the same button, firing the orbital laser at Equestria.

“HOW ABOUT SOME FUNKY TUNES TO JAM TO IN THIS SPACE TRUCK,” said Clogso, and Big Sacintosh turned on the space radio.

“Hey everyone, that was Passenger of Shit’s classic, ‘Staple Tapeworms to My Penis,’ and I played that one so the flesh worm will drink brainjuice from your fetus. You are listening to Equestrian Galaxies twelfth best source for all things shitcore. Whoo-hoo, almost in the top then. This is DJ Gilliad the Fourteenth, the P.C.P. Egasus. Don’t ask what happened to first thirteen. Anyways, another victory for all you inter-galactic junkies out there. Space meth is now completely legal. That’s right; you don’t have to pay the outrageous fine of two bits for being caught doing, selling, trafficking, or cooking space meth. Anyways, now a word from our sponsors.”

“What are you filling you’re water with this time, George,” said Tyrannosaurus Alan.

“Chaos,” said George the Volcano.

“But Mr. Volcano, you know that’s not good for you.”

“I’m not going to drink it, you are.”

“George the Volcano, you know how I get when I’m exposed to raw chaos.”

“It’ll hydrate you so much, you’ll probably die. TRY SOME!”

“We could all use some chaos and a little less love in tolerance in our lives,” said Discord.

“Discord, what are you doing here,” said Tyrannosaurus Alan.

“Well at first I came here for the volcanicity, but it has inspired me. Thanks to George the Volcano, I’m going to grab life by the conkers…and rip them off.”

“Very well, just curious.”

“I see a talon on you; you will call me daddy,” said George the Volcano.

“Okay,” said Discord, “but Alan, will you at least have a sip for me. I’m off to go brew up a big storm of chaos.”

“Alright, fine. Now get out of here,” said Tyrannosaurus Alan.

“Now Tyrannosaurus Alan, it’s time for some chaosnicity,” said George the Volcano. *Gulp, gulp, gulp.* “How was it?”

“Well it tasted like complete absence and I feel empty inside.”

“Fill that emptiness, by eating Equestria for breakfast, literally. Bite chunks of Equestria out of existence like some kind of space worm. “

“I hear that stuff’s good,” said Gilda in a “hiding something” voice.

“Yeah, me to,” said Trixie in the same voice.

“All right, this is DJ Gilliad the Fourteenth back on the space radio. How about that Volvic water with a hint of chaos; that seems safe to drink. Now we’ve got a night planned out for all you space listeners. We have another block of Passenger of Shit tonight. We’ll start things off with a shitcore anthem, ‘Severed Penis Orgy’ and then for all you lovebirds out there, it’s the song parents make their foals to, ‘Nail My Dick to Your Face.’ After that, for all you partiers out there, for when it’s dying down, half the partiers are dead from overdose on the ground and you might be dying to, we have the lovely ballad ‘Surfing Down the Dunny.’ Then there’s a song to blow your brains out to, ‘Rip Ya Fucking Twat.’ And to end the block, for whatever problems you have, whether they’re personal or from the condition the universe is in right now, we have a lovely tune you can all boogie and relate to, ‘Filling God’s Ass with Severed Cocks.

"Yup, here at this station, we play shitcore every second of every minute of every hour of every day for all eternity. If you want to make a shout out to something on the air, then piss off, because I’ll be in the janitor’s closet finding out how much space heroin it’ll take to make me feel anything at this point.”

Before the music started, a strange voice from the space radio said “civlov knird. Before the block was over, the four of them made it to a distant planet inhabited by magical pony space gypsies. Big Sacintosh parked his space truck, and there was a small group of magical gypsy space ponies. The pony ood got out of the space truck, and opened the trailer, which was filled with Volvic water with a hint of chaos.

In exchange for the mineral water, the ponies would give him a space voodoo artifact. It was a 267 and a half sided die. Before giving it to him, one of them rolled it. It landed on 98 and a quarter. “Oh no, 98 and a quarter, looks like we get to keep the space voodoo and the chaos,” said the pony who rolled it in a creepy voice. “Now we magical gypsy space ponies will have the space voodoo chaos to implode the whole universe.”

Big Sacintosh slowly began to turn inside out. The ponies ran when they saw Clogso coming by, who used his built in tractor beam to grab the die. “YOU WILL B THE FIRST TO BE EXTERMINATED. AFTER YOU, I SHALL USE YOUR SPACE VOODOO TO EXTERMINATE THE WHOLE UNIVERSE,” he yelled at the fleeing ponies.

Then, from the space trees, Daring Do came swinging by, snatching the space voodoo artifact from him. “You won’t be exterminating the whole universe today,” she said.

“Well, well, well,” said Trixie, “If it isn’t my arch nemesis, Daring Do. I will take that space voodoo die, and with it I shall conquer the universe. It shall crumble before the Great and Powerful Trixie.”

“Why do I even wake up in the morning anymore?” said Gilda.

While this potential standoff was about to happen, Clogso snuck up on the three of them, and pointed his dalek ray at them, and said, “THAT SPACE VOODOO IS WHAT IS GOING TO ALLOW THE DALEKS TO EXTERMINATE EVERYTHING BUT DALEKS.” He then took some space rope and tied the three of them up, took the die, and went after the fleeing magical gypsy space ponies. Serious thoughts were going through his head, and he thought aloud, “BIG SACINTOSH, THE CLOSEST THING I HAD TO AN AQUANTANCE, AND HE’S GONE. BUT IF I HAD FEELINGS, I PROBLLY STILL WOULD NOT MOURN FOR HIM, FOR I WOULD STILL BE A SOULESS KILLING MACHINE. I DO NOT NEED A REASON TO EXTERMINATE, THOUGH. DALEKS DO NOT EXTERMONATE OUT OF VENGEANCE, CONQUERING, DEFENSE, OR EVEN BOREDOM. DALEKS EXTERMINATE BECAUSE THEY ARE DALEKS.”

He spotted them, and killed them all, and then looked down at the space voodoo die. “WHAT, THIS IS JUST A REGULAR D20. THAT VENTURE PEGASUS MUST HAVE PULLED A SWITCHEROO ON ME.” He turned around, but then thought aloud again, “LET THEM KILL EACH OTHER FOR SOME SPACE VOODOO, I, CLOGSO, DO NOT NEED THAT TO EXTERMINATE.” He traveled off, never to be seen again, venturing across the universe, but that is another story for another day.

Meanwhile, Trixie, Gilda, and Daring Do were still stuck there; Trixie and Daring Do plotting of ways to destroy each other. “Well I guess we all learned something,” said Daring Do.

“What?” asked Gilda.

“Space sucks,” she replied.

“Yeah,” said Trixie.

Daring Do remembered that she always caries her solid gold chainsaw on her, and cut herself out of the rope. “Now since where on another planet, which one of you would like to get probed,” she said at them.

“Ooh, that sounds nice. Gilda will get one to,” said Trixie.

“No, no one is getting probed today, don’t you have some space voodoo to do or something?” said Gilda.

“Yes,” said Daring Do menacingly, “with this space voodoo artifact, anything in the universe can happen, and it’ll all be determined by the roll of a die,” she finished while rolling the die in her hooves.

“Wait, you’re not supposed to be all evil like that. We’re the bad guys,” said Trixie.

“Alright, I’ll just put it in a museum or something,” said Daring Do in a sad tone.

“Trixie, do something,” said Gilda. With that, Trixie’s horn started glowing, and the ropes around her blew off. Strange light was coming out of her mouth and eyes, and a weird goat like thing was summoned from out of the ground with long finger like appendages on its hooves. It started bitch slapping Daring Do a few times, before disappearing.

“What the hell was that?” said Gilda.

“That was some of my dark magic, and now we’ll see what that space voodoo can do,” she said, grabbing the die out of Daring Do’s hooves. She rolled it, and it landed on -17.

“-17? What the hell? What the hay kinda die is this?” asked Gilda.

“It’s a space die,” said Daring Do.

“Well, I still have a plus two counter on space rolls,” said Trixie.

“That’s still just a negative fifteen. Let’s see what that does,” said Daring Do, pulling out a big piece of paper with a list of what all the numbers do. “Wormhole!” With that, a giant wormhole appeared far above them.

“One of us is going through that,” said Trixie, menacingly.

Gilda started thinking of a universe ruled by Trixie. “Trixie,” she said in a reasoning voice, “why don’t we just forget about all this space voodoo stuff and get outta here. This isn’t worth it.”

“How could you betray the Great and Powerful Trixie like this? You have made an enemy, and now you are going through the wormhole,” she said.

“No. Trixie, think about this,” said Gilda as Trixie grabbed her and threw her in the space truck. “Think of all the memories we’ve had. Remember that time we were gonna vanquish an ursa major together? You were going to bait yourself to distract it and I was going to attack, but all that happened was I watched as you get mauled by it? Good times.” Her pleading was no use. Trixie turned on the space truck, jammed a space rock on the gas, and shut the door. The space truck went right into the wormhole, and then the wormhole closed.

“Now where were we?” said Trixie.

“It’s time for me to roll the die,” said Daring Do, rolling the die. It landed on pi. “Crap!” she said.

“What?” asked Trixie.

“The die will self destruct, and we will have no way off this planet!” With that, the die exploded and the whole planet of magical gypsy space ponies was blown up.

As for whatever happened to Gilda, the space truck went through the wormhole and landed on a planet galaxies away. She stumbled out, and looked up at a sign that said, “Welcome to Dalekville.”

“No,” she yelled out. “The story can’t end here. Why?! Come on, make another ending. This just isn’t right. Fuckin’ daleks.”

It turns out this whole story was just the part of the show that comes before the theme song. It could be heard from the distance, being sung by a dalek.

MY LITTLE DALEK

MY LITTLE DALEK

ERROR 1438Y3348Y3091-419U1091

MY LITTLE DALEK

I USED TO WONDER WHAT NOT DESTROYING EVERYTHING WAS LIKE

MY LITTLE DALEK

BUT THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE

TOTAL GENOCIDE

GET BACK IN LINE

MEET THE NEW PARADIGM

*in deep voice* KILL THE INFERIOR DALEKS

WOULD YOU LIKE A CUP OF TEA

IT’S NOT POISONED OR ANYTHING

AND EXTERMINATION MAKES IT ALL COMPLETE

MY LITTLE DALEK

DON’T YOU KNOW THAT YOU WOULD MAKE A GOOD DALEK

“Damn reruns,” said Discord, changing the channel on his television, trying to find something else on.