My Little Pony: The PUNisher

by Air Psyren

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 1159

Pinkie Pie solves crimes as the hero of the weak with annoying comedy as her weapon.

There is a time where every pony must make a choice. Laugh, or not.

I am Pinkamena Diane Pie, Element of Laughter by day, but when night rolls around, bullies and evil doers beware, for I am...

THE PUNGEONOR

Published 2012-12-04 04:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-04 04:30:01 UTC

The PUNisher

Hello, everypony~ I am not going to lie. Writing this was painful. I felt like i was getting hit over the head with a pungeon! Ha! I made a pun-ny~ Ha! Did it again. If you do not like puns, please leave now as this story contains enough puns that will make you want to drown yourself in an icecube. Now, hope you enjoy~
//-----------------------------
// Story: My Little Pony: The PUNisher
// Editor: Midi
// Author: Air Psyren
//-----------------------------

I grew up on a rock farm...

"Give me your money, ya stupid Pegasus!" A grey unicorn was holding down a green pegasus. Behind him were two more Unicorns with skull cutie marks.

Everyday was a dark and humorless day...

"P-please! I don't have any-" the pegasus pleaded.

"Shut it!" The unicorn bucked him in the chest and used his magic to lift him up. "You pegasai are always drowning in your cash. You think you are so much better huh!?" The unicorn slammed the poor pegasus onto the ground. "Well newsflash, boyo! We are the superior race!"

Everyone holds the same vices. Anger... Sadness... Hate...

"P-please... I didn't do any-" The pegasus gasped in pain.

"You din't do anything? You bumped int' me and scruffed my fabulous coat! D' you know how much it costs to get this cleaned?" He put his hoof on the sobbing pegasus' head. "I'll tell ya'! Lots! Especially to get rid of the vile that gets spread by you people!"

That is why I soon took it on myself to stop this hate...

"S-someone... help...-" The pegasus moaned from under the unicorn's hoof.

"Ain't noone gonna help you. You. Are. Alone," the unicorn mocked.

That is why I fight.

"Halt, criminal scum!" I yelled out from the entrance of the alley.

The unicorn and his gang suddenly stopped harassing the pegasus and turned to stare at me. "And just who in the name of Tartarus are you?"

That is why I've donned this costume.

The unicorns stared at my wonderfully hand-sewn costume. I had taken lessons from Rarity. It was a full body latex suit that completely covered my body. It was mostly white with a red bow and pink mask. A single pink strip ran around my hat.

"Listen girly. This don' concern you!" the leader unicorn snapped, "Now get outta here or else I'll break ya jaw!"

That is why I have become...

"Girly? Hehehe!" I chuckled happily. "I haven't been called that by anyone other than my grandfather. He's really old you know. He also likes to cross dress. I guess you could say he's a gir-oldy!" I laughed at my own joke; I always kill myself with those jokes! I ain't kidneying you!

"Wha'?" The unicorn, however, did not seem amused. "Just who da' heck do ya think you are?"

"Me?" I answered innocently. My face hardened as I struck a random pose. "I am..."

"The Punisher!"
"What?" One of the unicorns looked at his friends and asked him, "Is this pony nuts?"

"You think I'm nuts?" I asked loudly, "You know what's nuts? Once I went into the bank to get some cashews, but it turned out that it was actually a shoe store that only sold cashoes! Oh! Once I was visiting an old pony who lived in a shoe and her son was a famous hoofball player. I guess you could say he was a big case of Athlete's Hoof!"

"...my head is starting to hurt..." said a pony.

"I am honestly lost as to what is goin' on..." the lead unicorn said.

"Ha lost!" I chuckled devilishly. "Funny you should mention being lost. I was lost once in the Everfree to visit my friend Zecora! Zecora's really nice. I guess you could say she's a striping young zebra! Anyways in the Everfree I met this faceless pony! Seriously it wore a black suit but no face! It was really tall too! Almost like it was in a really tight hallway that stretched it until it could preform an about-face."

"Make her stop..." moaned the leader defenselessly, "My ears feel like they are bleeding!"

"Oh no! Blood is not good! It's red. You know what else is red? Strawberry jelly! This one time I got into a tussle with a fruity little guy. I mean, I was in a serious jam. It turned out that the guy was being mean because he was sweet on me! I think that was the stem of our budding relationship! He really like his jelly, too! He would eat it gross too! You know what else is gross? Blood! And we are back to square one!"

"Oh god, this is just too much!" a unicorn yelled in agony, "I can't believe this!"

"I can't believe it's not butter!" I inputted.

"GRAGH!" The unicorns ran out of the alley covering their ears with tears down their eyes. I stood triuphantly at the end of the alley way.

"Wh-who are you?" The green pegasus pony asked.

I looked over my shoulder and turned around to face him. "I am the one who protects the weak from the meek. Though I only do it once week because even I get weak. From hunger that is."

"What?" The pony looked confused as I reached into the back of my pocket and pulled out a '5 Bit Hoof Long' sub from Hubway. I took a large bite out of it, satisfied.

"Wh-where did you get that?" he asked with disbelief.

"Hubway, duh," I retorted. It was so obvious. It looked as if he had something else to say, but when he backed down I took my leave. I was needed elsewhere.

I could almost see the headlines now:

The Pungeoner Brushes Colgate's Evil Plan's Under the Rug!

Pungoner Teaches Iron Will the Sharpness of an Iron Quill

The Pungeoner Unravels the 'Bow' in Rainbow Factory

Oh and then once my float goes through the parade, I'll eat it as the Pungeoner and it will make people believe that it's not me. After all, why would I eat my own float? The punny headlines would read:

The Pungeoner Eats a Veggie Salad! or Pungeoner Leaft No Leaf Behind.

Nopony may know my secret. I must protect them from the evil clutches of my nemesai. That is why I must keep my secret behind closed doors. I am The Pungeoner, and I am soon to be a world wide punomininon!

"Hey Pinkie." Rainbow said as she walked by the alley. "Nice costume."

"Hi Dashie!" I called back. "Thanks!"

Big thanks to Midi, my delightful editor. She probably went through just as much pain as I did when she edited it! Anyways, for anyone interested, please check out any of my other stories, or take a look at my blog for song parodies, pony impersonations on Omegle or just to see what is happening in my daily life. This is Air Psyren, psyning out!