Handcuffed To Pinkie Pie

by Scripture

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 4818

A hater has been magically handcuffed to the famous pink pony! How will he deal with her in college?

A troll's on the internet, annoying the Brony community. After a successful night of irritating everyone, he falls asleep only to awake in Pony Court! He's found guilty and his sentence is Punishment P! Apparently it's something rather horrendous from Twilight's reaction... It shouldn't be much of a problem for Mike Holstein though, right?

In the words of Pinkie Pie, "Let's get this party started!"

Published 2012-10-25 18:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-31 17:59:47 UTC

Punishment P

Chapter 1- Punishment P

“Hehe… stupid Bronies… I mean, come on! A shirt flub up and they are getting all crazy about it? Pft… There are better things in this world to rage about!”

It was about the fourth time so far that I had been on the computer this sitting and saw an article about the new culture of people of there, these… these… “Bronies” as they called themselves. I mean, really! Is that the best they could come up with?! Though… these fandoms do have some weird names…

Sighing, I reclined in my chair, rubbing my hand over my face in an attempt to clear out my mind. Letting my hand slide over my prickly chin, it reminded me that I needed to shave soon, putting that note on tabs in my mind. All my thoughts were trying to figure out why some people liked this oddity of a show. It just didn’t make sense! How could grown men like such a lame show?

I shook my head, fixing my gray shirt a bit as I leaned back towards the glowing monitor. Looking around my dorm room, I was very happy I had been able to get a room alone. The only problem, I had come to realize early on, was that there was nobody egging me to get the place cleaned up, so the floor was usually cluttered and trash often piled up in the waste bin. Sometimes I wondered how I navigated the room, but I always found that the best mess is an organized mess!

And my mom would probably whap me upside the head for saying something so stupid…

Looking at the screen, I pondered at the several links I had tabbed in my browser, all of them leading to several sites about Bronies or the show. Smirking slightly, I cracked my knuckles and began to do what I had begun to love doing to these self proclaimed “Bronies”… Troll.

Troll like no other troll could troll!

Now, some trolls would get dispirited by the whole “love and tolerance” phooey that these Bronies followed, but I never have! I was both insistent and smart; I poked at things that would be touchy to this fandom. Many times, I would be able to get one or two Bronies to explode on me, and I immediately was able to retaliate, finding weakness in their arguments.

Trolling was a fine art in my opinion, and only after toning the ability for awhile could one truly troll the right way. Nicknamed “The Paraspriter” as a nod to the fan reference, I often danced my way through a site to corrupt and dispirit its inhabitants. Cruel and sadistic? Well…

Hell fuckin yeah!

Not even 10 minutes in, I had already found one unfortunate soul who I was able to pick off of on a Brony blog, and soon the commenting commenced. I dance around his comments, along with several others who came in to defend the person, and retaliated with smart and fairly cheeky remarks in retort. Soon, some of them escalated and even the famous Brony motto failed them, claiming me the victor as I laughed quietly to myself.

This went on in a repeated process until I noticed the time on my computer. It was late, or rather very early. “Damn… 3 o’clock… Ah well, it was starting to get boring anyways…” Sighing once more, I shut down my laptop, closing it up to get a good night’s sleep.

After getting dressed for bed, I yawned, going over my list of classes for the next day, realizing that I had only one class later in the day. Smiling, loving how the day closed up for me, I rolled on into bed with a lazy flop. My building was rather cold at times, so the extra blankets were always a nice treat on colder night like these.

Snuggling into bed, I shut my eyes to let my body drift off into dream land. Totally content with myself, I let everything go and smiled, hoping that tomorrow would be a good day like today. I always hoped, but never expected, which kept me quite sane.

Well sane enough, as I soon would find out…

===============

“Wake up, ingrate!”

I yelped in pain as metal met cloth and skin, jabbing me in the side. I sat up from my stone flooring and rubbed my eyes a bit, still a bit groggy from lack of sleep. Yawning, I headed over to my stone bowl sink and splashed a bit of water onto my face, taking care to slip into my non-existent slippers. I picked up my alarm rock, shaking it a few times to try and get it to work. Unsuccessful, I sighed and moved the prodding spear to my right, trying to open my cell door so I could get to the bathrooms before the angry guard stallion could. It was locked though, and I-

Wait…

My hazy vision scanned across my cell, looking at the dank walls, the cold floors, and the tiny accommodations. My mind was a few seconds late in connecting the dots, but they eventually started to wake me up. Turning around to face the stallion, I murmured with a confused look on my face at him.

“I don’t think this is my room…”

The guard stallion rolled his eyes overdramatically and shook his head. “Holy horsefeathers, are you really that slow? And I thought this trial was a bunch of hooey…” He snorted once and unlock the door using a levitating key which only numbed my brain some more. I also noticed the spear aimed at me, levitating as well, although in quite a menacing way that sharpened my mind out of fear.

“Well whatever. Your trial begins soon so hop to it!” He took a jab at me, making me jump away, my mind fully alert now but entirely not understanding what in the world was happening. Somehow, I was a prisoner in some place, on trial, and being poked with a big spear by a talking horse-

Waiiiiiiiit…

I looked behind me and gasped mentally at the small stallion. He has that thing on his butt! And he’s a unicorn! And he’s little… for a horse anyways! Suddenly, I smiled and stopped walk, leaning on the wall casually, laughing a little.

The guard behind me stopped abruptly to keep from impaling me and snorted once in frustration. He poked me once, my only reaction a sly long grin on my face. “Mmmmmm good mornin’ gov’ner!”

The stallion cocked an eyebrow, a bit confused now. “Wha…?”

“Oi, it’s all just a dream, laddie!” I could feel my head spin a bit, starting to panic as a slice of realization already hit me. “If I’m just dreaming, and I know I am, I can just drop a piano on your head and continue on…”

If I know this is a dream, I can control it! Yeah… I was able to do it before, and I flew around an entire city I made up! Yeah… just a dream…

We stared at each other in silence, waiting for the piano to come by and smash the pony to bits. He coughed. I scratched my head.

“Well… this is awkward…”

“Get moving already! And no more delays! We’re late as it is…” He jabbed my butt once, making me speed up and glare at him, but he only gave me a menacing look back. Whether I wanted to or not, I was in the world of My Little Pony, and it looked like I was going to stay here for quite a long time…

===============

“We’re going to send him home, simple as that.”

“Wait, what?!”

I put my hands on the railing in front of me, shouting out now in frustration. After about two hours of shock, awe, and legal standards, we had gotten to the verdict and sentence. Pony Court wasn’t much different from a regular court room, except being filled with ponies of all kinds of course, so I knew enough about what was going on…

But being sent home after all this crap?! WHAT THE HECK?!

A large white pony with a constantly flowing multicolored mane stood in the judge’s stand, smirking under her calm gaze. A murmur was flowing through the crowd, many of them in shock at the sentence I was given. One in particular, a purple pony whom I identified as Twilight Sparkle, had thrown her hoof on the table. I remembered her from all the insulting Twilight crossover memes I had produced and initially had chuckled when I first saw her.

As the prosecutor now though, I was kind of peeved at her.

“Princess Celestia! You CAN’T be serious! This is one of the most annoying and insulting trolls against the MLP community! We need to do at least something about his crimes against us!”

The Princess on her judge’s stand chuckled once and nodded. “Oh, yes, I know Twilight. He is going to be punished, but I am still sending him home after the trial. Maybe simple as that wasn’t the right wording…” She put a thoughtful hoof to her chin as the crowd babbled amongst itself in relief.

Relief! Of all things!

“Stupid ponies…” I murmured.

Celestia now looked over at me and smiled widely, looking more cruel than benevolent at that moment. I shuddered under her gaze, wondering what they would do with me now. Give me a fine? Steal one of my body parts? Convert me to a pony-loving freak? I stood there, nervously gripping the rail in front of me.

“I think Punishment P would suffice well enough for his crimes.”

A gasp ran across the entire crowd and even Twilight was shocked at the news, her mouth dropped. She shook her head and looked back up at the Princess, cocking an eyebrow in puzzlement. “Princess… I know he was bad, but… Punishment P? That’s a bit harsh for anypony…”

I looked around in confusion, although mainly worried about this ‘Punishment P’. What could it be? So far, it didn’t seem to be something very pleasant… Not very pleasant at all. Now I was really sweating. “What is this, uh… Punishment P?”

Celestia’s creepy smile returned once again, making me shudder somewhat. “You will see, Mike Holstein. You will see…”

Before I could retort back on the subject, she slammed a gavel on her stand, shouting out, “MEETING AJOURNED!” In the next second she smirked at me and shot out a beam of golden magic from her horn towards my chest.

It was the last thing I could remember of the pony world.

===============

Warmth. It felt so nice under a cuddly blanket. It felt even better after having such a crazy ass dream about ponies! The cloth over my body brought me back into a sense of reality that was lacking during my dream state. I didn’t care that I couldn’t control my dream somehow… I was just happy to be back in my warm, soft bed!

Although the headache sucked a bit…

“Urgh… My head… Such a splitting headache…”

“Splitting? You should get some glue to repair it! After all, if it keeps on splitting, its not gonna do your head any good!”

“Uh… I don’t think that glue will help much. I need some Advil…”

“Anvils? How would THAT help silly?”

“No, not ANvil, ADv-“

I froze, my tired mind catching up to reality. Slowly, I opened up my eyes, looking over to my left towards the middle of the room. At first, I couldn’t believe it. But after the crazy night I had had, I suppose anything was possible…

But why her?

The vividly pink pony beamed at me, her cotton candy-like mane and tail bouncing about on her head. She was really happy. Too happy for me, and it sickened me as she began to bounce around the room like a rampant pogo stick. Eventually, she got over to me and smiled broadly, putting two hooves onto my tall bed.

Now face to face, her blue eyes fluttered a few times before she cracked a huge grin. Her mane had a slight scent of cotton candy and bubblegum.

I hate cotton candy…

“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie aka The Party Pony aka Cupcakes Meister aka Pinkamena Diane Pie aka Punishment P! I can’t wait to have so much fun with you for the rest of your life!”

A/N:

So, another story I made up~ I got the idea from one of them Birthday game things and it happened to align to being handcuffed for life with Pinkie Pie! I thought the idea so blasphemous that I just HAD to write about it!

Hopefully, you enjoy it as much as I wrote it! If you find any mistakes, please tell me so I may fix them! :)

Punishment Staircase

Chapter 2: Punishment Staircase

“What… the hell…”

I pulled myself out from under the covers, rubbing my eyeballs to try and get the morning haze out of my vision… Along with the bouncing pink pony jumping up and down in front of me, talking a mile a minute. I sighed, putting my head into my cupped hands, and finally paid attention to the latest bit of her rant.

“…and then, when the cheese was all gone, Mr. Fluffstrut was all ‘Whaaaaat?!’ and I was like, ‘We must have more gingerbread!’ So then I-“

“Oh dear lord… I didn’t think it was real…and now you… you…of ALL people-”

“Pooooooniessssssss~”

“…Whatever.”

Rubbing my face, I tried to get my brain back in functioning order. This was a serious problem. What was I supposed to do with her?! I couldn’t have a smiling hyperactive pink pony bounce around me for the rest of my entire life! Even though I hated the show, I had seen and heard enough about the infamous Pinkie Pie to know that being with her too long was definitely a BAD THING. I wondered what it would be like for a moment with both of us as old elderly folk.

I shuddered at the thought.

The bundle of energy was now rifling through all of my stuff, sticking her hooves and nose into all of my drawers and cabinets. I sighed, getting up from my bed and shuffled, back bent, towards the bathroom.
After doing my morning duties, I re-entered my room to find Pinkie Pie with a pair of my boxers on top of her head, her hooves trying to position the leg holes so she could see out of them.

“URGH! This face mask is really really weird! How’re you supposed to even see out of it?! Smells kinda funky too…”

I rolled my eyes, walking over towards her and swiping it off of her head. Throwing it back into its drawer, I began to get my clothes out for the day. Although there was now a little pony in my room, daily duties still called and classes still needed to be taken. So what if there was a pony who had to be with me for the rest of my life? All I had to do was simply keep her in this room, right?

If life was that simple, I would have made a cure for cancer, been rich, and retired by now.

After grabbing all of my clothes, Pinkie Pie poked me with a hoof. I looked over at her to see an envelope tied around her neck with a blue ribbon. I cocked an eyebrow at the pony, expecting her to say something. We just stared at each other though, our gazes intense and her blue eyes incredibly… huge. My normal brown eyes were nothing compared to hers in size, but they often got dried up, making me-

“You blinked! Hahahaha that was fun! I love staring contests, cuz everyone is SO intense and all you’re doing is just staring at the other person like its life or death or something and I- mmm mmmmmm mmmm mm mmm!“

My hand muffled her mouth as she continued talking, the other hand grabbing the envelope around her neck and taking it off. On the front of it was my name in a scripty writing, barely readable for a person who never took cursive classes. From the envelope, I took out a small stack of papers and began flipping through them.

Most of them were legal forms from the Equestrian Justice System stating my sentence and its process which I didn’t care so much about. Been there, done that. I did care, however, about the last two pages. One was labeled “Pinkie’s Rules” and “Punishment P Rules”.

Now THOSE seem a lot more important…

“Now THOSE seem a lot more important, especially the Pinkie’s Rules! I think they may have to do something about me, but I’m not quite sure…”

I yelped in surprise, noticing the party pony staring over my head at the papers, using the desk behind me as a foot stool. HOW THE HELL?! Stepping away, the pony gave out a cheerful “Sqwee!” and grabbed onto my back.

“Yay! Piggy back rides! I LOVE piggy back rides! They’re so fun, especially when they start to jump up and down and yell at you just like you are right now!”

“GET OFFA ME!”

“What’s the magic woooooorrrrrrrrrd?”

“NOW!”

The demon spawn of a pony giggled delightedly and shook her head. “That’s not it silly! It starts with a puhhhhh and ends with a leeeeeeze! I’ll give you a hint too; it’s not police! Scootaloo tried that on me once and I was like-“

“Please… just… get off! I’m going to be late for class!”

“Class?!” Pinkie Pie jumped off of me, much to my relief, and I rushed over towards the bathroom to get changed before the psycho pony decided to grab another ride. I had to rush now, being hampered by the pony’s presence, and was getting more and more agitated by the moment.

I threw some water in my short brown hair to fix the cow licks and quickly brushed my teeth. After throwing on dark blue jeans and a green t-shirt, along with my grey shoes, I grabbed my lucky dark blue cap as the last part of my apparel. All set to go now, I just needed one last thing…

Well, I suppose two, though one of them was wearing a top hat, monocle, and moustache, sipping tea from a small table. Where the hell she got everything was a complete mystery to me. Taking another delicate sip, she raised an eyebrow at me and extended her hooves into the air.

“I say, old chap! This room is filthy, positively filthy! And really dear boy, you should read those rules! The Princess told me they are very very important for you to-“

“Yeah yeah whatever. I’ll read them after class!” Without waiting for an answer, I grabbed my backpack and launched myself out of the room.

Before I had made it 20 feet though, my feet slipped from underneath me as something invisible knocked me down from my chest. I felt like I had been a dog on a leash and suddenly the master had decided to pull a good yank on me. Trying to clear my head I got up, shaking it slightly before trying to move forward again. It didn’t work, making me panic somewhat. It was as if a bungee cord had been attached to my door and I was pulling for dear life to try and go further, but the cord would snap me back at any moment.

“Whatcha dooooooin?”

“I’m- WHOA!”

Slipping forward this time, I stopped my fall with my hands before I broke my nose on the smooth linoleum floor. Grumbling, I turned my body around enough to be nose to nose with Pinkie Pie, giving her an intense glare.

The pony, now lacking her fancy clothing, only smiled and took one of the papers out of my hands, laying it on the floor between us. Clearing her throat, she put on her monocle back on and read from the paper.

“Punishment P Rule 1; The subject of said Punishment shall be magically handcuffed to volunteer Pinkameana Diane Pie. Said Pinkameana shall be the magical anchor and the subject of said Punishment cannot go more than a twenty foot radius of said ‘Pinkie Pie’.”

She shook her head and huffed a bit. “Whew… that was not only hard to say, but also to type out!”

I cocked an eyebrow. “Wait, what do you mean by-“

“Don’t you have class?”

“AH CRAP!”

Groaning in frustration, I picked myself up along with the rules. Stuffing the papers and folder in my bag, I started racing towards class. Oh this is just WONDERFUL! Now I have to drag her around EVERYWHERE! As long as she doesn’t do anything stupid, I should be-

“OH MY GOLLY GEE WILLIKERS! ARE THOSE CUPCAKES OUTSIDE?!”

A pink blur whizzed by me, making me blink for a second in confusion. Then a disturbing and horrifying thought suddenly crossed my mind as I looked at the staircase where she was running down.

“Aw SHI-“

The first push sent me down the stairs, right into the wall. As I lay smack dab against it, I soon found out that the push sent me just far enough to be in range of the Pinkie… But not for too long. Another magic shove tossed me to the next wall, then the next, and the next.

Every.

Single.

Floor.

Down.

Why… why did I have to choose the dorm on the fifth floor?

Finally, we got to the bottom floor and a flood of immense joy filled me, knowing that we were done with wall smashing myself. The one thing I forgot though, was that I should have began to run. Without warning, I was tossed back on the ground, the linoleum hitting me pretty hard. With a sharp tug, I began to slide across it, Pinkie directly in front of me. The few people I passed by stared at me in curiosity, one guy even saying, “Dude! How the hell you doing that?!”

“PINKIE PIE!”

Then, I was out the door along with the pony. Or rather, rocketed out.

I had never liked the feeling of flight before. It always made me queasy just thinking about it. After all, what if something should fail? All you would be is a small splat on whatever you landed on and that fate didn’t appeal much to me at all. So when I was free flying in the air, I immediately curled up into a ball, terrified of my fate that was to come from falling from such a height.

A height of 3 feet onto soft grass, gently bumping into a pink pony.

“Ooooooooooooo I absolutely POSITUTELY love your cupcakes Ms. Bennings! I couldn’t wait to try them and I even brought my newest bestest friend along too!” Pinkie Pie looked behind her at me, then at the person across the table from her. “I think I might have broke him already though…”

“Urghhhhh… Pinkie… Pie… you… bi-“

“Mike? Is that you?”

Peering up from my spot on the ground, two faces greeted me with concern. One was the pink devil from Equentia or wherever while the other was a dirty blonde haired angel from my college, Kelvin Elms. The latter one cocked her head to the side as she leaned over the table and she questioned, “Are you okay?”

I placed my hand on the table next to Pinkie Pie, climbing my way up the black and orange decorated table spread. I smiled, a goofy grin planted on my face as I wiped down a few dirt marks off of my once clean shirt. Looking down at myself and using my phone as a mirror to check my face, I was fairly surprised that I had no bruises or scuff marks anywhere. Not even a scratch!

“Whoa that’s freaky…” I mumbled, touching my skin hesitantly, as if I was wearing some false suit of skin armor.

“Uh, what is? The fact that you slid through the air for a good ten feet or that there’s a pink pony trying to eat my cupcakes, hehehe…”

We both looked at Pinkie Pie, the side of her face on the table with her tongue lolled out, nearly wrapped around a cupcake. After receiving a few intense stares, she silently slipped her tongue back into her mouth to sit on the ground, a broad smile on her face.

I sighed a bit, putting my head in my hand, when a thought struck me. Looking up, I cocked my eyebrow in confusion at the thin figured girl. “Wait wait wait wait Emily… YOU can see her?”

Emily looked as shocked as I was and backed away from the table. “Wait a minute… YOU can see her?” Looking a bit dazed, she put a hand to her forehead as she sat down, her eyes drifting off. “And I thought… I thought… she wasn’t… real…”

Although just as confused as her, an alarm on my phone both snapped us back to attention, along with the crowd shuffling into buildings now. I knew what the alarm meant but I had to get some resolve some things before I left Emily all dazed and confused. Looking down at the table from left to right, I noticed she was volunteering for the college’s monthly bake sale. It was more of a club than a volunteer work force, but it still helped the school earn a little bit of money each month.

Pfttt… yeah, like they already don’t get enough of that from us!

“So, Emily. You can see her, right?”

The pink pony bounced up in the air unnaturally high a few times. “I’m Pinkie Pie!”

Emily nodded dully as she watched the pink pony go up and down repeatedly. “Uh… y-yeah… I can see… and hear… Pinkie Pie…”

I nodded my head and grabbed a pencil out of my pocket, immediately taking a flyer promoting the bake sale. Scribbling down legible words on it, I handed my note over to her with a pleading look.

At first she just stared at it, but then she took it with a shaky hand, giving me a questioning eye. “Soooooo…”

I inhaled deep, filling my lungs. “So right now, from what I am gathering, we are the only people that I know of that can see Pinkie Pie and-“ We both looked over at Pinkie, who was literally sitting on top of somebody’s head, making silly faces at the person they happened to be talking to. She giggled like mad and fell off of the guy, landing on the ground in a laughing fit.

“-there’s my example, since there is no reaction from either the guy OR the girl and I don’t think we both are insane, especially since other people saw me slide across the floor and I believe insane people don’t have the same insane visions!” I drew in another sharp breath.

“But I REALLY need to go now so I can get to class and not miss it so I’m gonna have to leave you my room number, dorm, and time I get out of class so that we can both figure out what the hell is going on but I understand if you don’t want to get yourself involved with this since I barely even know anything about it myself but I really need to go now so bye!”

You are SO the smoothest of the smooth Ben… Get Pinkie Pie and get to class already!

Giving a quick wave goodbye, I smiled briefly at her as I bolted over to Pinkie Pie, scooping her up from the ground with one swift movement. Cradled in my arms she looked up at me at my determined face, bolting for the door of the Memorial Building as fast as I could.

All the while though, Pinkie was smiling up at me, her eyes squinted like she knew something about me all of a sudden. Right before I got into the room for my class, I had to know what she was thinking about.

“Pinkie, why the hell are you smiling so much?”

“Because, silly filly… I just got you a daaaaaa~aaaaaaate!”

Dum…

…Dum…

…Dum…

Click!

The pink pony simply smiled at me, the grin growing wider and wider as she caught me having my epiphany. I rolled my eyes and glowered at her as I entered the classroom.

“Oh screw off…”

A/N:

Well hello all you wonderful people out there~ Guess what time it is? Eeyup! Its Authors Notes time!

... And really, i don't have much to say~

Obviously its not perfect so if you find a mistake, please let me know so future readers will look at in a better light~ :)