Diary of a Silent Tyrant
Day 1 – I stand, once again, locked in stone. It seems that I have underestimated Celestia and her protégé, Twilight Sparkle. A sickeningly sincere pony who is too smart for her own good, or my good, quite frankly. It has been decided that I should be placed in Ponyville’s newly constructed festival plaza as a monument of sorts. While I fully agree that a statue in my image is a grand idea, I would prefer to be a little more removed from the situation. I simply cannot wait to unwillingly experience all of the excitement of these ponies going to market and having lunch. Why, I can feel my pulse quicken at the thought of each banal activity these milquetoast ponies engage in, or I could if I weren’t imprisoned in stone. With little else in the way of entertainment, I’ve come to the conclusion that a catalogue of my thoughts and experiences is in order. Well, perhaps not, but what else is there to do?
Day 2 – It is remarkable what you see in Ponyville. Remarkably boring, that is. These ponies have absolutely no flair at all. Imprisoned as I am, watching the square here is all I can do, and unfortunately is all I can stand. Why just today a pony came by to trim the grass, pull weeds, and tidy the path. My stomach tried to heave in disgust, but alas, I remained immobile. Why on earth would you want to see same garden again and again and again? All of this work and effort to maintain something that loses aesthetic value each time it is observed.
Day 3 – It occurs to me that my current condition may be my own fault. Upon reflection, I can now see where I went wrong: Planning! I need far, far less of it! Twilight Sparkle only overcame my plan because I had a plan. Before the usurper Celestia interfered, Equestria was a wonderland of chaos and each day was brand new! The possibilities were endless, and I painted reality with light strokes, changing as needed. I reacted as each new situation arose. Now, what would have happened if I had been a planner? Where is the fun in that? The spontaneity would be lost and the artist’s chisel dulled. My mistake was brooding as I sat imprisoned. Planning what I would do if I escaped. Planning! The very word turns to ash in my mouth. Never again! I ruled for a thousand years with nary a thought in my head. A carefully planned scheme caused me to fall in a single day. Chaos needs no plan.
Day—oh forget it. What is the point of keeping track of days? That is twisted pony behavior. Gah, these ponies and their lives! Today they’ve set up a farmer’s market. Not ten feet from me, Applejack erected a booth and stacked apples (what a shock) in a “pleasing” display, arranged in spectrum order. This is insufferable behavior! One has to wonder how many times she has done this and how many times these ponies have walked by and exclaimed in delight. Yet, tomorrow, there will be no talk of perfectly arranged apples! No, once again, they will all be remembering the time of their lives, when I turned Ponyville inside out and upside down. Please tell me, citizens of Ponyville, if my rule was so terrible, why do you speak of it with such fervor? Why am I the talk of the town day in and day out? Admit it, ponies, you loved that chaos! Your drab lives are a lie.
One thing was made abundantly clear by my last, brief period of rule. Every situation can be improved by buffalo stuffed into ballerina costumes and made to bourree hither and yon. That is what is known as “comedy gold”.
Oh, happy day! After straining mightily, I may have caused passer-by’s bag to rip! Given the rather large amount of time on my hands, I felt some experimentation was in order. So I gathered my will and tried my hardest to twist something interesting out of reality. Twisting is the key, of course. This reality touches so many others. One merely has to turn and twist a little and voila, a swap occurs. Did I snap that strap? Who knows? It would be quite a coincidence if that saddle bag just happened to break at the exact same time. Finally, something else to occupy my time besides this diary. Is this a diary, really? Why, I can’t even remember what else I’ve put into it.
If there is one pony here that has some potential, it is Pinkie Pie. Today was the re-inauguration party for Mayor Mare, who curiously ran unopposed. Again. It seems that might raise some suspicions for these clever ponies, but why shake things up, eh? Life is so much better when every day is like the one before. Gag. Anyway, through a series of deliciously unlikely events, Pinkie managed to sprout a unicorn horn. Each thought that flitted through her mind was brought to life in the most tantalizing fashion! You would not believe the fun one can have observing a fountain that erupts into pastries or streams of streamers flowing into town in a multicolored tsunami! By the time that Twilight and the rest of the Mild Bunch had found a solution, Pinkie had replicated the mayor 20 times over (they were all arguing who was voted into office), shrunk Town Hall to dollhouse size, and somehow gotten the lower half of her body wedged in a tuba. If only every day could be so grand!
Celestia visited today and had the cheek to give a very long, and very boring, speech on civic responsibility to the good citizens of Ponyville. And where do you think she performed her little monologue? Yes, right here in front of me, knowing I could do nothing but listen. Oh, Celestia, how I wish to wring your wretched neck. Predictably, she trots out everyone’s favorite six ponies and waxes poetic about their latest accomplishment to the drooling masses. Oh, hooray for Twilight Sparkle! Hooray for Rarity! They managed to fix the errant jet stream that prevented the birds from migrating south! As though the birds couldn’t go west for once! Have the birds even been west?! Perhaps they should be encouraged to expand their horizons a little, hmm? No, of course not. As always, the answer is apparently to get everything back to normal and then have a party. One that is like every other party. Do these ponies ever do anything else?!
Oh, ho, ho! Something interesting today! Everyone’s favorite brown-noser, Twilight Sparkle, dipped her little hoof into a puddle of entropy! She was delightfully panicking about some idiotic thing and eventually enchanted the townfolk with a doll. Battle ensued and, for a while at least, the monotony of everyday was replaced with adventure! In a conclusion so shocking that none saw it coming, in flies Celestia to save the day! Why doesn’t she just relocate the capital? She never seems to leave. I was hopeful that she would smite Twilight Sparkle, but alas, she still walks this earth. Has there ever been a more despicable pony to walk the face of Equestria than Twilight Sparkle? Check-lists. Organized rosters. Planning. All of that potential wasted a pony so tightly wound that probably has to triple check with the correct governmental bodies that laughing isn’t against a city ordinance every time someone cracks a joke.
Oh, yes, Twilight Sparkle! I’d love to write to the princess for you!
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that some ponies are blessed with majesty, grace and intelligence. Too bad you aren’t one of them. It must be hard going through life as a gnat-brained bore, but through the power of friendship, we can overcome! Do us all a favor and drop that goody-goody, “I’m so caring and proper” routine. Leaving six young ponies to do all your dirty work, well, let’s just say it must be nice to have all that free time on your hooves. It doesn’t seem so friendly to me.
Hoping to put an end to you one day,
Discord
Of all the indignities that I must endure, none are as vile as a visit from Fluttershy. She insists on coming every few days to talk to me because I might be lonely. This defies all reason, and generally I am a fan of that sort of thing, but this pony is pathologically nice. I get treated to the week’s important highlights, like how many adorable chipmunks were born and whether the wildflowers in the southern field have bloomed yet. I’ve tried my best to topple over onto her but, try as I might, I cannot move and no amount of straining seems to be affecting reality. I’m forced to admit that the strap incident must have been a coincidence after all. The worst aspect of these cheery little visits is the clouds of birds that descend on me. Have you ever seen a statue after forty or fifty birds sit on it for an hour or so? I pray for rain. Preferably a rain of gum drops or spaghetti, but at this point, any rain would do.
A disquieting notion hit me today. Is the uniform application of chaos a form of order? If one always twists a situation, it then becomes predictable that all situations will be twisted. While the specific outcome is unknown, the fact that reality will not stay the same is assured! This cannot stand. These ponies must wake truly unprepared for the upcoming day. Otherwise, it will be routine for the day to be unroutine. I must reflect on this further.
So it is Nightmare Night, and I keep waiting for Princess Luna to act on what must be simmering hatred for her banishment, but she seems woefully forgiving. Doesn’t anyone here like to nurse a good grudge now and then?! Where is the passion? The spice for life, liberty, and the pursuit of revenge? It looked for a while that things might get interesting as Luna turned on the people, but she chose not to strike them down. Once again, Twilight Sparkle seemed to be some sort of mitigating factor in all of this nonsense. Really, she’s becoming as tiresome as Celestia.
Regular as clockwork, Rainbow Dash streaks by in her morning workout routine. In my world, she would be so much stronger! What challenge is it for a pegasus to swoop through the air? They are built for it! Let her struggle through a sky filled with tapioca pudding. Now that will build up some wing power!
Some little filly came by today performing a terrific number of things at once. She seemed enchantingly distressed and the slack-jawed onlookers gasped as she bounced from task to task. Just as it was getting enjoyable, the filly ran on and the crowd followed, leaving an empty stillness. Sometimes, it is better not to be reminded that you are thirsty, rather than given a sip of water. Now the ache of boredom is almost unbearable.
What would it take for Celestia to see the error of her ways? I simply cannot comprehend her state of mind or her priorities. This order and peace degrades her society. Every day that passes, the population gets slower, weaker, and less intelligent. When I sat on the throne, my subjects were strong! When I tested them, they reacted and overcame! When I pushed again, they faced into the storm and persevered. When forces from outside Equestria threatened, together we defeated them, both with my power and my subjects’ resilience! While I will admit that I wasn’t at the top of any of their Hearth's Warming card lists, I was driving them to be all they could be. Under Celestia, they have grown into a society that panics when facing a bunny stampede. I shudder to think what would happen if real trouble erupted. One day, I will sit Celestia down and explain all of this to her in simple terms that even she can understand. Then I will turn her into a balloon and puncture her.
Some days things just go your way, at least for a while. Just today, Twilight Sparkle’s little toady of a dragon grew up! I’ve always been a fan of a good rampage, and Spike didn’t disappoint. It was over far too quickly, but made for good entertainment while it lasted. From what I’ve gleaned, the power of love overcame, or something equally nauseating. What more can you expect from these coddled wimps?
Off in the distance, I could see Rainbow Dash and some other pegasus destroying Town Hall. There must be an interesting story there, but alas, I am too far from the action. Still, a day in which Ponyville is at least partially destroyed is a good day.
Three young fillies came by today screaming their heads off about the possibility of their cutie marks being in topiary. They managed to destroy most of the bushes and trees around me before someone came by and put a stop to it. Ah, the sweet smell of random destruction. Cutie marks! How do they even come up with this stuff without hating themselves? I can barely think it without needing to take a broken glass and clothes pin shower.
Rarity held a seminar in my plaza today. A SEWING seminar. For the love of Chaos, A SEWING SEMINAR! Could anything be more dyspeptic than thirty or so ponies quietly doing needlework, with one overly coifed unicorn going on and on about stitch counts or hoops or whatever it is that she does? One day, Twilight Sparkle will pay for this. Still, it gave me time to consider Rarity. She’s enigmatic. I’m sure that I could make Pinkie Pie see my way of thinking. Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack are lost causes. However, Rarity is hard to predict. She loves neatness and order, yet she has thrown herself into the medium of fashion. Perhaps the most chaotically changing of all arts! Anyone who would spend hours and hours constructing a hat, just to turn around and discard it the next week for “not being in anymore” has potential. I do not want to face the Elements of Harmony again-- wait, did I just catch myself planning?!
I’d love to know why some scrawny pony with a camera keeps taking pictures of me. This kid has been here for an hour or more.
Today was Spring Cleaning Day in Ponyville. I imagine that it was said like that, with the capital letters. They seem to have some sort of Capital Letter Festival every week or so for every little thing under the sun. This week, it is apparently the day that they clean up the town. Every pony here spent the day toiling and in the end it looked exactly as it did before. This place doesn’t even get dirty! However, an interesting development occurred. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had an entertaining little argument in front of my statue here, each accusing the other of shirking their work detail. It turned out to be a “hilarious” miscommunication, but while they were taking cracks at one another, I thought I heard a crack of my own. A crack that sounded a little bit like stone breaking. Try as I might, I can’t move, but one can dream…
So, apparently the Sickening Sextet have saved the day again somehow. Ponyville is setting up for some large party here in the plaza to celebrate their return. From what I gather, that one trick pony, Queen Chrysalis, somehow nearly took over, only to be thwarted in the end. A for effort, kid, but quite frankly you were never in my league and look where I ended up. I’m sure I’ll know the whole story soon, as it will undoubtedly be related over and over and over until I pray for a large rock to fall from the sky and destroy me. Actually, rocks from the sky sounds like an excellent day!
Ah, poor ol’ Chrysalis. Always sneaking around the edges, looking for a way to take a piece of the pie. Always crying about the misunderstood nature of changelings. That it’s not their fault they feed on positivity. She could never understand that no one cares, but if she invaded Canterlot it sounds like she’s toughened up since last we met. Good for you, kid. I hope you’ve grown strong! It’s no fun to pick on the defenseless. Well, actually, it’s a lot of fun, but having some skin in the game adds incentive. You want to take over Equestria? You may regret that once I’m back on the throne. I can just see your face as I twist everything you hold dear into a mockery. You will wish to be comfortably sealed in stone and ignored.
It does not escape my notice again that Celestia left this up to her B team, or maybe she herself is the B team. She has been our beloved ruler for quite some time. First she recruits this gang of misfits and then she re-enlists her long-banished sister. I think Celestia’s power might just be waning! The mayor doesn’t seem to know all the details, but I certainly don’t seem to be hearing anything about the mighty Celestia crushing Queen Chrysalis under hoof. The day that I need help with Chrysalis is the day that I attend a Rarity sewing seminar! If Celestia cannot win that battle, one wonders what fight she can manage.
But Chrysalis is apparently far away now, according to the mayor. The ponies are setting up for a party (what else is new) to welcome our heroes home. I burn with curiosity to know if they will have balloons and cake. What fun is a celebration that mirrors your last celebration? Why go through the exercise again?
Oh, but what is this? Why, it seems somepony has knocked over the refreshment table! Poor, poor ponies! Now what will you eat, what with your cakes and pies ruined?
Now the inevitable hoof pointing begins. Oh, this is rich! As tempers flare, they are throwing the ruined food at one another! The mayor is completely covered in cherry pie! I haven’t had this much fun in—wait! Was that a crack? Why, I believe I can move my knee!
Oh, Equestria, grab your umbrellas! I feel a cold front of chaos moving in!
