Doughnut Holes

by equestria drifter

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Comedy, Queen Chrysalis, Sex
Length: 1636

A romantic clopady with Chrysalis and Donut Joe

When Chrysalis is on the run from the Canterlot guards, Donut Joe decides to hide her in the bakery. He develops a thing for her and goes to extreme measures that backfire on him.
A heartwarming romantic clopedy filled with enough terrible innuendo to land you a few restraining orders if you repeat them in public.

Inspired by the picture on the cover, which was taken from Equestria Daily's Drawfriend.

Published 2012-10-26 23:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-26 23:10:01 UTC

Chapter 1

And there hid Chrysalis, in the kitchen of Pony Joe’s bakery. She was hiding inside a giant bowl of doughnut batter, as that was the only place in the kitchen where she could be hidden from the unicorn who just stepped inside. It was Pony Joe, mumbling crazily to himself about one of his arch enemies, before getting to work.

Pony Joe scooped up balls of batter and rounded them. He then poked holes in them with his horn rather angrily, pretending they were his enemies and saying stuff like, “take that Equestria, now burn,” as he threw them in frying oil. As he went over, Chrysalis emerged from the batter, completely covered in it. “Oh fuck; the pony demon from pony hell has come to bring what’s left of my soul to damnation for all my crimes against ponykind.” Chrysalis then used her magic to get all the batter off of her. “Oh, nothing to worry about, just the queen of the changelings,” he said and continued to round out dough, poke holes in them with his horn, and place them in the frying oil.

“You’re not worried in any way?” said a freaked out Chrysalis.

“Yeah I am; my doughnuts are burning.”

“But there’s no fire.”

“There is now,” said Pony Joe, as he threw a tiny makeshift grenade made out of a glass bottle with oil in it with a string going into the bottle, which he lit on fire, into the fryer, scorching all the doughnuts.

“This fic is getting too fucked up for me. I’m leaving.”

As Chrysalis turned around, he caught a glimpse of those hot n’ sticky buns flawing back and forth with each step. His boner shot up so hard and fast that it punched him right in the face, knocking him silly. Now there were four flanks spinning around in front of him. Then those long cheesy sauce legs forced him to talk. Perhaps he was a little dazed when he said it, but he still had the conscience to hide his Bony Joe like a proper stallion. Unfortunately, the only thing nearby was the pan with frying doughnuts in them. With a simmering doughnut stick, he said one of the only nice things in his life. “Wait.” She turned around, and he noticed her adorable yet sexy changeling face. “The Canterlot Royal Guards will find you out there. Why don’t you lay low in here until the hype dies down and you can safely return to your homeland?”

There was a short silence. “That’s one of the nicest gestures I’ve ever gotten from anyone.” Thank you so much.” As she walked by him, he looked again at her face, and it was as if her crooked horn was seductively waving him in. “By the way, your chimischlonga is lookin’ pretty spicy there.”

It took him a moment to realize. “AAaaaaahhHHHHHhhhh!” he screamed as he pulled it out. Luckily the stiffy was gone, and she was somewhat behind him and looking away, so he could pull it out without her seeing it.

After running the Pony Dough under water and bandaging it, he brought Chrysalis a doughnut for dinner. She was sitting at a table in the back of the building. She was already thinking of whether or not she could trust him. At any moments, guards could storm in to get her. But she had been around him this whole time, and he had not signaled for anypony. “Where am I going to stay during the day?” she asked him.

“Oh, don’t worry. You can stay in my EVIL LAIR.” When he said evil lair, a random bolt of lightning could be heard from out of nowhere. “I’ll show it to you when you’re done with your poisonous doughnut.”

“What!?” she said, looking in horror at the half eaten doughnut in front of her.

“Get’s em every time. This one time I tried it on Nightlight. Waited until after he got his stomach pumped to show up at the hospital and tell him it was a prank.”

Chrysalis went silent for a minute. After she finished, Donut Joe pulled a lever and a trap door came out from under him. He went crashing to the cement floor, completely missing the mattress pad set up for safe landing. Chrysalis jumped down on it to see if he was alright. Getting up a little dizzy, he said “Who needs stairs.”

Chrysalis looked upon his evil lair. There was a dull buzz saw, some strange futuristic looking giant gun thing, a pit with what looked like incineration devices in it, a surgical table with rusty surgical tools, injection needles and strange fluids on it, a half assembled robot pony and a swirling vortex on the wall. She didn’t know what to make of it. “I know, needs some touching up. Make yourself at home though. Just watch out, I can’t remember what happened to my last experiment. Was some sort of mutant zombie pony. Oh yeah, almost forgot, don’t get too close to that vortex. It’s a portal to some other dimension. Nothing that goes through it ever comes back…the same, at least.”

That night she slept on the mattress below the trap door. It was soft because Donut Joe never landed on it. She was assured that no pony this crazy would think of turning a stow away over to the princess. She managed to keep herself occupied with a pinball machine that flew out of the portal. That morning, Twilight and future Twilight came in for a visit before the two of them returned to Ponyville.

“So you perfected Starswirl the Bearded’s time travel spell so you could travel back in time and hang out with yourself?” asked an intrigued Donut Joe.

“Yeah, it’s pretty sweet. I should be able to stay here for a couple days now,” replied future Twilight.

“It’s pretty nice hanging out with somepony who understands. I’m already forgetting about those other friends of mine. *squee*” said Twilight.

“So what have you been up to lately?” asked future Twilight.

“Well if you promise not to tell, I’ve got a thing for someone,” said Donut Joe.

“Ooh, who is it?” asked Twilight.

“I should keep some things a secret. But I will tell you two this. I’ve concocted this doughnut that will have any mare or any other female creature going head over hooves for me. Let’s just say this doughnut will leave them hot and sticky. I call it the BOOSTER DOUGHNUT!” He said laughing evily, as lightning came out of nowhere again.

“You and you’re sense of humor,” said future Twilight.

“Oh, two me’s means twice the work for Spike. Come on future me,” said Twilight. When they exited the bakery, they did a quick ‘Sunshine! Sunshine! Ladybugs Awake! Clap Your Hooves and Do a Little Shake!’ together.

“Here’s a special doughnut for dinner,” said Donut Joe after the shop closed. “I think tomorrow night, you should be able to sneak out incognito.”

“That’s good. I wish I could come back and visit you,” said Chrysalis. “What’s in this doughnut? It’s pretty good.”

“I made it with love.”

“Oh you.”

That night, Donut Joe combed up his mane nice, and slipped into a sleek robe. He went into his lair with Chrysalis. “The night is still young,” he said.

“That doughnut was so good; I had some of the others.”

He had forgotten he made a dozen of them. Oh well, he thought that just means more love for him. A few extra wouldn’t hurt her. He noticed Chrysalis looked at him with a lustful grin on her face and an enticing look in her eyes.

“How about you fill some of these doughnuts with some of your cream,” said Chrysalis, smoothly.

“Chrissy, that line was cheesier than those long legs of yours.”

“I can put these cheese legs to work. They’re pretty good for buckin’.”

Donut Joe began to back up. This was going way better than he expected, and he was beginning to have second thoughts. He only wanted a little lovin’, not a lot. “Let’s do things slow,” he said shaking a little.

“Slow, that’s how we’re gonna do things. When I shove my throbbing clargamel through your skull and into your brain, it will take at least a couple hours for pleasure to be induced,” she said.

“How about a little bit of foreplay first,” Donut Joe said.

“All right, I’ll just widen your throat and fill it with a couple thousand of my randy induced orgasmic orbs.”

“Why don’t we at least go out to dinner first?”

“I’ve had enough of you teasingly stalling me. Now let me properly slice you in half so we can do it!”

“Buck this shit, I’m gonna make like a hockey stick, and get the fuck outta here,” said Donut Joe, running as fast as he could out of there as Chrysalis gave chase to him.

He ran into a horde of Twilight’s. “Hey, it’s nice to see you, how have you been since last time one of us saw you?” said one of them.

“Twilight’s, you gotta hide me, Queen Chrysalis is after me!” he said.

“Oh, wow. I just came from the future were you, um, let’s just say become the king of the changelings,” said another one of the Twilights.

“Yeah,” said another one, “and I’m from the future were we turn you in for harboring an enemy of Equestria, so they banish you to the changeling kingdom, so you’re bucked either way.”

Before Donut Joe could try to reason with them, he made a run for it when he saw Chrysalis coming. She chased him out of Equestria and all the way back to her kingdom. The rest of the story speaks for itself.