Kanji Tatsumi: Equestrian Bad Ass

WARNING: REALLY REALLY CRUDE HUMOR. YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED!!! TEEN RATING REALLY KICKS IN ON THIS CHAPTER!!!

Rise Kujikawa. The teen idols brunnete twin-pony tails bobbed as she turned her face to examine Kanji, Naoto and each of the seven ponies who simply stared at her. After a minute of awkward silence, Rise beamed merrily before giggling. “Oh my gosh these ponies are so cute. I could just cuddle with them all day long.”

“Oh why thank you darling I do try.” Rarity batted her eye lashes at the idol whose own eyes grew to dinner plates. The look of shock quickly turned to a gentle smile and a chuckle, “Talking ponies. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, all considering how long I've dealt with Teddie.”

Twilight, ever the studious mare, took a nervous step forward, drinking in the sight of the idol. “Uh, excuse me? My name is Twilight Sparkle and I've got a question for you.”

Rise smiled at the lavender unicorn, “Shoot, ask away Twilight.”

The lavender unicorn trotted up to the human before raising herself up onto her hind legs and grabbing...grabbing Rise's boobs with her forehooves. “What are these? They're kinda big and really soft.”

Kanji's jaw dropped and hit the floor with an audible thud while Naoto simply looked away with a crimson hue to her face. Rise blinked her eyes in  surprise as the naive mare rolled the teenagers boobs around enjoying the feel of their softness. After a moment realization the teen blushed furiously before quickly, yet gently, swatting the offending hooves away.

“Those are called...my boobs....and its extremely rude to just...grab them like that. Back home I'd be entirely justified in slapping you. Please...don't do that again.” Rise said gently, her face resembling a tomato.

Twilight blushed furiously through her lavender coat, “Oh my gosh I am so sorry!  Please forgive me I didn't know!”

Rise simply chuckled, “ It's okay. I figured you didn't know any better when you flat asked what they were. I'm guessing an equivalent for you would be if some random guy walked up and groped your butt.”

Twilight's ears drooped and all of the ponies in the room gasped, “Oh my gosh I am so sorry.”

“He,y now I've got a question, for both you and Naoto.” Rainbow Dash flew up close looking Rise in the eye from a mere few inches away.

Rise giggled, “Okay, I'll bite. What is it?”

“Why are your boobs much bigger than Naotos? I mean before she and Kanji told us she was a girl I thought she was a colt. And I mean yours are massive! What's the deal?” Rainbow Dash asked completely and one hundred percent serious.

Kanjis lower jaw now broke a hole through the floor as he watched the scene before him take drastic turn after drastic turn. His jaw fell even further when Rise giggled and a devious grin wormed its way onto her face.

Naoto meanwhile was blushing so bad you could probably fry some eggs on her face. “Rise don't yo-”

“Well, when we were in a bath house during vacation, I found out she wraps bandages around her boobs to squeeze them and make them look smaller than they really are.” The idol grinned mischievously as Naoto became so flustered that the detective could barely talk.

Then that grin flashed straight at Kanji. “You're not having naughty thoughts about all this are you Kanji?” The teen idol winked at her friend as his jaw dropped even further.

Rise turned to look straight at Rarity, her smile back to the warm and friendly one from earlier. “Your mane....absolutely gorgeous. One day you and I are gonna have to get makeovers together.” The teen idol changed the subject as if nothing had happened at all.

Rartiy gasped dramatically before placing a fore hoof on her fore head, “Oh my goodness darling you are simply too kind. It would be an absolute pleasure.”

“Kanji.” Fluttershys voice barely squeaked and every pony, and every human went silent. The teenager in question looked down to find Flutters in his arms looking up at him with the most adorable look in her eyes.

“I-I'm tired...” The cream pegasus paused to yawn, “Can you carry me home please. That is if you don't mind that is.”

Kanji grinned before hefting the shy pegasus up.

“Awww, you're a cute one. Can I pet your mane?” Rise asked materializing over Kanjis shoulder to coo at the butter pegasus.

Kanji's eyes flew open, “NOOOOOO THIS IS MY CUTE AND ADORBALE AND CUDDLY PONY!!! GET YOUR OWN!!!!”

The teenager whirled around hiding Fluttershy from Rise. The troubled youth held the pegasus in one arm and put his arm through the jackets sleeve. After a minute of maneuvering the human had Fluttershy in his jacket with her head poking up and out right under his chin.

“Is that better Flutters?” Kanji smiled down at the adorable pegasus head poking out of his jacket. Fluttershy simply smiled before nuzzling his nose with her snout. The pegasus yawned again, even making that sound seem adorable, before nuzzling  into Kanjis shoulder and falling asleep.

“Wow Kanji, I never thought I'd see you so in touch with your feminine side.” Rise commented, a smile on her face as her eyes never left the sleeping pony in Kanjis embrace.

“Yeah, you got a problem with that? Well, it doesn't matter anyway. Flutters needs her sleep as well as Pinks. And I do too. Fighting shadows is exhausting isn't it Pinks?” Kanji grunted as he began walking towards the exit, careful not to disturb the sleeping pegasus he cradled underneath the jacket.

“You betcha Kanji! I'm all sorts of sleepy weepy and I still got loads of planning to do. I've got to throw Three 'Welcome to Equestria' parties and Three 'Welcome to Ponyville' parties. It's gonna be a long day!”

“Why not just combine them into one big, ultra party?” Kanji cocked an eyebrow at the Pink party pony who shot up into the air with a  major gasp as her eyes grew to dinner plates.

“Oh sweet Celestia, Kanji Tatsumi what have you done?” Twilight dead panned.

….

Kanji let out a vicious yawn as he took the first step out onto the draw bridge. The human blinked as he the sun mid afternoon sun stung his eyes. That's when Kanji noticed that just about every pony in the small town was on the other side of the drawbridge.

One of ponys pointed a hoof at the group as they emerged from the shadow of the spire. In an instant the ponies began to cheer and the human couldn't help but smile. But then Fluttershy began to squirm slightly in his grasp.

That smile quickly turned into a scowl. “EVERYPONY QUIET!!!!! CAN'T YOU SEE FLUTTERS IS TRYING TO SLEEP?!?!?!!!” The humans head grew to a monstrous proportion in his rage and all of Ponyville shut up immediately, their ears flat against their head.

With the town now quiet Kanji led the small group across the bridge. The human settled down immediately when Fluttershy let out yet another adorable yawn before repositioning herself in his grasp.

Kanji himself let out a yawn and wasn't too surprised when Pinks let loose her own yawn. “Hey...would one of you guys be willing to lead me to Flutters house?” Kanji asked over his shoulder.

“I gotcha Kanji partner. Her cottage is out by mah farm!” Applejack perked up.

Kanji flashed a tired smile over his shoulder, “Thanks Aj. I'm so tired right now I could just lay down here in the dirt and go straight to sleep.”

The crowd parted allowing the group through. “Hey Twilight...” Rise started from somewhere behind Kanji.

“Yes?” Twilight questioned.

“Do you mind if I stay with you tonight? There's some questions I want to ask. And I have a lot of them.”

Kanji could feel Twilight beaming at Rise from behind him. “Of course! Oh this is so exciting! We can swap questions, it's not like Naoto and I didn't have a long conversation about it but it's always nice to have more ponies to talk to! Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh!!! This is gonna be great!” The lavender unicorn was babbling excitedly.

Kanji couldn't help but chuckle at the lavender mares antics. “So...Aj....where to?”

“Right this way pardner!” Applejack said from somewhere to Kanjis left. The human faced her. “Alright lead the way, I'm tired as shit.”

…

Rise watched as Kanji followed the orange mare towards the edge of town.  When the idol was sure they wouldn't be able to overhear, she turned to face the ponies, and Naoto, that stared at her questioningly.

“Twilight, what do you know about the humane female anatomy?” Rise shot the question at the lavender unicorn who simply blinked in surprise.

“A-almost nothing.” Twilight admitted sheepishly.

“Well If Naoto and I taught you more about the human girls body, do you think you could cast a spell that changes a mare into a girl?”

Twilight again blinked in surprise. “I suppose so. Why?”

“Yeah, why the sudden interest in this bizarre topic Rise?” Naoto added in.

Rise smiled a devilish smile, “Because we're gonna pull a humongous prank on Kanji.”

Naoto rolled her eyes in exasperation, “I refuse to partake in such a childish activity! Don't you agree that it's utterly ridiculous Twi-”

“Ooooooh, I've never pulled a prank before! What is it. Huh? Tell us!” Twilight hopped into the air excitedly.

“Cool! A prank! What is it? Huh? Tell us tell us tell us!” Pinkie bounced up into the air circling Rise as she, again, defied the laws of physics.

“Yeah! Pinikie and I are the best pranksters in all of Ponyville! We demand you let us in on this awesome prank!” Rainbow Dash spun around the teenager as she giggled.

Rise giggled along with the cyan pegasus. “Well, this prank depends entirely upon this transformation spell. It'll be a bust if she can't pull it off.”

In a matter of seconds, Pinkie AND Rainbow Dash surrounded the lavender mare, “Come on Twiley! I know you can do it!” Pinkie cheered in the ear of her friend.

“Yeah, if any  egghead alive can do it, it's you Twilight!”

Rarity moved next to Naoto, a look of disgust marring her graceful features, “I must say I agree with you darling. This absolutely unladylike and completely immature.”

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie both rolled their eyes before continuing their orbit around Twilight.

“It's okay. I know that if anyone can do it, it's Twilight. Am I right?” Rise bent over, her gaze locking with Twilight.

Twilight simply beamed and nodded her head once. “Come on girls! We've got work to do!”

…

Kanji let out another bestial yawn. “Thanks again for doing this Aj. I appreciate it.”

Applejack chuckled, “Shoot it ain't nothin partner.”

After what felt like an eternity for the human and the country mare Applejack turned right onto a dirt path into what looked like an orchard of apple trees.

Kanji followed her until the mare turned to look at him. “Uhh...Kanji hon...why are ya'll following me?”

Kanji raised an eye brow questioningly to her. “Uh....you were taking me to Flutters house.”

The mare blinked her tired eyes a few times before realization dawned on her and she slapped a hoof to her face. “Ah'm sorry partner. Go back to the road we were just at and keep going straight like we were. Its a lonely cottage on the edge of the woods and is filled tuh bursting with all sortsa critters. You'd be blind to miss it.”

Kanji chuckled, “Eh no problem Aj.”

The teenager turned around and followed the apple farms simple directions.

…

“So darling...how much do you know about human fashion?” Rarity asked her companion.

The human Naoto simply gave her a sideways glance, “Nothing really. I for the most part...dress like a boy would.”

Rarity cocked an eyebrow at the teenager, “And why ever do you do that? It hardly befits a proper lady.”

“Because in my line of work, women detectives are frowned upon. So in order to work over that prejudice I pretended to be a male for the longest time. And I'm not about to change my choice of fashion any time soon. “ Naoto replied quickly.

Rarity visibly huffed, “That sounds absolutely dreadful!”

Naoto simply grunted in response.

“Naoto dear?”

“Hmm?”

“About what Rise said about  your...boobs...”

“Don't even finish that train of thought Rarity.”

The unicorn giggled nervously as she shut her trap. “Well, I certainly made that awkward didn't I darling?”

Naoto let a small smile grace her lips, “Yes and no, I mostly blame Rise for that. None of you ponies would be too curious about it if she hadn't done...that.”

“Okay then change of topic! Do you have a special somepony?”

Naoto simply cocked an eyebrow at the white unicorn.

Rarity in turn rolled her eyes. “ I mean do you have any colts...err...boys I mean that have caught your eye?”

“If you're wondering if I haven't notice Kanjis affections for me I assure you, I'm completely aware of them. I was...aware the moment we meant when he thought I was a man.”

Rarity stopped mid step while Naoto took a few steps ahead before stopping herself. “Y-y-you know?”

“I'm a detective. It was obvious to me from the start.”

“Then why don't you acknowledge it?”

“Because I'm not sure. Dating...romance...I have absolutely no idea what to do, so I simply ignore it.”

Now, it was Rarity's turn to grow a crooked smirk. “Now, now darling. No need to fret, I will not lead you astray.”

Naoto risked a glance behind. What she saw terrified her. Rarity the pony,  was looming over her with eyes that shone with a brilliant golden light. She had a wicked smile that stretched from ear to ear, “Come now darling.”

The fashionista pressed her snout to Naotos nose, that wicked grin never leaving. “Oh my dear Naoto Shirogane...we have a lot of work to be done. We can't afford to dilly dally. Come along now.”

Naoto...the teenaged girl couldn't help but shiver and pale in fear.

…

There it was. SALVATION! Kanji nearly jumped in the air and whooped with delight but that would awaken his precious cargo and he had no intention of doing that.

There was the cottage. Outskirts of the forest. Check. Small woodland critters everywhere check. Solitary cottage...check!

Sweet sweet salvation!

The human cautiously walked towards the front of the cottage, the eyes of every animal nearby watching him...or more accurately their care taker in his grasp. Kanji pulled an arm out of his sleeve and put a finger to his lips. Then he pointed to the sleeping Fluttershy in his jacket and made motions for sleeping.

Kanjis jaw hit the floor when a squirrel at the front of the pack of animals gave him a...thumbs up with its paw. Said squirrel then scurried up to Fluttershys porch and reached underneath her mat grabbing a key.

The other squirrels swarmed around it creating a pillar of squirrels and the one the with the key...unlocked the fucking door for Kanji.

The teenager gawked at the spectacle before while the pillar of squirrels motioned for him to get the hell into the house. Which the teen readily obliged. “Thanks...I guess.”

The squirrel on top of the squirrel pillar nodded at him and gave him a thumbs up before closing the front door behind Kanji.

Kanji stared wide-eyed at the door, unable to process what the hell had just happened, when he felt a tug at his pants leg. The teenager cast a wary eye down to find a snow white bunny rabbit tugging at his pant leg.

The rabbit cocked its head to the side when it saw Fluttershy adjust herself in her sleep. The rabbit made two motions. First it made an 'I'm fucking watching you asshole' motion with its front paw. Then it made a 'Follow me' motion.

Said rabbit hopped up some stairs to the right of the front door, while Kanji could barely comprehend what the hell was happening.

The teen followed the snow white hair up the stairs and straight down the hall. The rabbit opened the door for Kanji revealing a simple bare bones bedroom.

“Kanji.” Fluttershy murmured.

The teenager spare a glance down. The sight that he saw hit him right in the feels. The butter pegasus stared up at him with the most adorable expression the man had ever seen.

“Stay here for tonight okay?”

Kanji smiled at her, “Sure thing Flutters.”

The teenager walked over to the bed and unzipped his jacket. Fluttershy jumped out from its warmth and onto the bed. The pegasus sleepily stared at Kanji before leaping forward and engulfing the human in a massive hug.

Kanji grinned down at the pegasus before happily returning the embrace. After a minute of silence, the human let out another yawn. Which Fluttershy immediately followed suit. Kanji let go of the embrace and crawled to the head of the bed where he slid under the covers. His legs dangled over the edge, but he could care less.

Fluttershy crawled under the covers before snuggling against his chest. “Good night Kanji.”

“Good night Flutters.”

Sleep. Peaceful god damned sleep.

…

“Kanji.”

“Fluttershy.”

Groans.

“Kanji you really need to wake up.”

“Ya'll need tuh git outta bed too Fluttershy.”

“Screw you I'm sleeping.” Kanji moaned as he rolled back over.

“Yeah, screw you we're sleeping.” Fluttershy mumbled as she too rolled over.

A...devious giggle came from Rise at the foot of the bed. “Oh Kanji! You naughty, naughty boy! Trying to seduce Fluttershy. A pony at that!”

Kanjis eyes shot wide open and the teen was quickly on his feet next to the bed. “WHAT! RISE!  IT'S NOT LIKE THAT AND YOU KNOW IT!”

Rise simply giggled, “I know. I just needed to get you out of bed. It's almost noon.”

Kanji blinked, “Noon? Damn we sure did sleep in didn't we Flutters.” The teenager chuckled and turned around only to freeze in terror at the sight before. Fluttershy was standing up on her bed...and the look in her eyes... Those damned eyes...glowed a demonic red and the air seemed to pulse around the pegasus with the vibrant energy that was hate and loathing.

“Rise....Rise...my dear Rise.” Fluttershy murmured. The mare stalked forward slowly and the teen she murmured to was frozen in place in fear.

“It's one thing to wake me up. It is a reasonable time to be woken up after all.” Fluttershy stopped at the foot of her bed, her snout a mere inch from Rises nose who gulped in sheer terror.

“But to flat out accuse me of incest with my big brother, even in joke, entices me to...” The pegasus leaned in even closer, until her snout brushed against Rises ear, “Beat the ever living shit out of you. I don't mind if you tease my Kanji like that, but don't you dare bully him.”

The mare backed up and stared Rise eye to eye. “Are we clear on this?”

The teenager gulped, as did Applejack who watched the scene with a wary eye from the other side of the bed. “Y-y-yeah. Crystal.” Rise finally managed to stammer out.

In the blink of an eye the demonic tint to Fluttershys eyes left leaving her regular teal eyes. The mare in question let out an adorable 'squee' and turned to face Kanji before hopping off of her bed. “Come on big bro. We've got a busy day ahead of us I'm sure.”

Kanji looked at the mare in wonder, “That brings up something I've been wanting to ask for awhile now. How old are you Flutters?”

Fluttershy smirked back at him, “Twenty-two. A piece of advice big brother, it's not polite to ask somepony her age.”

Kanji AND Rise both felt their jaw hit the floor. “What the hell? Fluttershy...you're seven years older than me.”

Fluttershys eyes grew wide as did her smile. After a moment she clapped her hooves together and 'squeed' again. “Oh my gosh! That makes me the older sibling!” The pegasus cooed. “Oh my, we've got to go tell the others. Come on you three it doesn't do well to keep Pinkie waiting.”

Everyone blinked at the pegasus who calmly trotted out of the room as if nothing was out of the ordinary at all.

…

Confetti. Confetti was the first to pop into Kanji's face when he had stepped foot in 'Sugar Cube Corner' as Applejack. The teenager thought the place was edible from its look but Applejack insisted it wasn't edible in the slightest.

After the confetti came the hundreds of ponies (it looked like hundreds to the stunned human) shouting “WELCOME TO PONYVILLE KANJI TATSUMI!!!”

The teen couldn't help but smile as dozens of ponies rushed over to him and began peppering him questions. The human couldn't hear a single word the swarm of ponies were saying when a lone voice cried out, “KANJI BRO!”

Kanjis ears twitched, was it...could it be...

“KANJI BRO!!!!” The voice called out again.

Kanji turned towards the source and noticed the sea of ponies parting like the red sea. And at the end...she was there.

“VINYYYYYYYYYYL SCRATCH BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Kanji roared and began charging at the DJ he knew all to well from the party at Canterlot.

The two clashed in an epic hug, “Kanji bro!”

“Vinyl bro!”

The two let go of the embrace, “Oh my god Scratchy bro. I thought you lived in Canterlot.”

The Dj snorted, “Buck no. That was just a gig Kanji bro.”

Kanji let out a guffaw, “Ah it's good to see you bro. Since you live around here we gotta hang out.”

“You're damn right about that bro. Oh, there's someone you gotta meet.” The Dj turned her head towards the ocean that was the party, “Tavi. Come on and meet my best human bro.”

After a moment a gray earth pony mare trotted up towards the duo. The Dj quickly embraced the mare and turned to Kanji, “Kanji bro, this is my mare friend! Octavia!”

Kanji grinned down at the mare below him, the human cocked her a thumbs up. “What's up Tavi bro.”

Vinyl and Octavia both opened there mouths to say something but Pinkie shot of Kanjis jacket, “Have either of you seen Dashie? She still hasn't come to the party yet.”

Before any pony could answer a chilling laugh echoed throughout 'Sugar Cube Corner' causing everyone within to go deathly silent.

“Well shit.” Kanji muttered.