Fill 'er up! Straight!

by TundraStanza

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Berry Punch, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 9353

Watch how inaccurately a non-drunk writes about being drunk. Oh, and a person becomes Berry Punch.

(Rated T: Alcohol Mentioned On Several Occasions)
I never thought my life could be anything but ale and whiskey, but suddenly I'm a mulberry pony...
Wait, that's not how the song goes. *Hic* And why does my hand feel number than usual?
Everything's out of focus. *Hic* No, no, no. I most drunkenly am not assured. *Hic* Let's have look in the mirror.
Oh! *Hic* Hi, Berry Punch. How'd you get on Earth? *Hic* What? No, I asked you. Why are you copying my motions... and why are you so quiet? *Hic* You know what? Forget it. *Hic* Good night!
*Collapse to the floor.*

---

I have to wonder sometimes if I have any shred of dignity as a writer.
But then I realize something.
I have no dignity.
MLP:FiM is property of Hasbro and Studio B as are respective references.
This is non-profit.
I may or may not continue this.

Published 2012-10-28 01:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-29 07:54:41 UTC

Ch 1: The Usual

The Usual

"Just one mug and no more," I tell the bartender.

He gives me that look of disbelief that I recognize instantly. His left eyebrow rises, he pauses in his rubbing of a previous customer's glass, and he doesn't take his eyes off of me even as he walks to the far end of the counter. Yeah, I know that look. Nobody comes in to take just one drink. Even the guys that order the more expensive brews have at least one refill.

But I'm different, at least as far as I tell myself. I don't try to drink in order to forget life's problems. Once in a while, I'll take a shot because I like the taste. I never intentionally indulge myself to the point of punching and kissing complete strangers. There is such a thing as self-control and I intend to exercise my strict limitations. As I'm telling myself this, I notice that the contents of my mug have all but evaporated.

"Well," I shrug, "I guess one more wouldn't hurt."

The bartender lets slip a smirk that seems to say, "I knew it," before filling another mug. Out of a sense of boredom I look to one of the recently installed television screens. According to the stats, there is a tie game at the top of the fifth inning.

"Come on, Cardinals!" I exclaim as calmly as I can manage, "Send those Giants packing all the way back to San Francisco!"

Before I know it, I'm getting another refill.

I feel myself grinning like an idiot. I don't even care. I'm in such a numb bliss right now. I barely even register when some guy wearing sunglasses kicks me in the rear on my way out. They were nice enough to let me go without forcing me to leave a tip. I love that bar. It has the best beer in... well, anywhere that I can find.

Hee hee hee, I giggle in my thoughts even though no one told a joke.

I can't even remember what the score was before I left the bar. I think it was the top of the ninth inning. Or was it the sixth? I keep getting those numbers confused because they look so much alike.

Feeling my body swaying a bit, I reach into my pocket as I approach the door to my house. The key gets stuck when I try to open the door. My vision starts doubling on me and I can't tell which doorknob is the real one. I hardly give a care right now. Absentmindedly, I turn the key 180 degrees so that it's upside down from where I had it originally positioned. This time the door is kind enough to open for my push.

I overshoot and trip on the doorway. Somehow, I pull off this amazing spin on the floor and close the door behind me. The world centers its focus again as I shakily stand up.

"It's a good day," I tell the empty air.

Woo, feeling dizzy, I think as the room rocks back and forth, Maybe that was just a little too much booze.

Despite the house's attempt to send me sprawling on my side, I succeed in walking to the end of my hallway. I lift a reluctant hand and turn the handle on my bedroom door. It's a bit slower to respond than I want it to be. There is also a strange prickly sensation in it as the door slowly opens.

Why does my hand feel so numb? I ask mentally. My buzzing brain has no applicable answer to give tonight.

Shrugging off the question for later, I walk in. I pass the standing mirror on my left and take a look. I half-expect to see a zombie waiting in that mirror ready to devour what little gray matter I have that is still functional. Instead, my drunk eyes are relieved to see a much different image.

"Oh hey, Berry Punch," I say before letting loose a hiccup, "What brings you to Earth?"

Her mouth and hoof motions follow my lips and hand waving almost in sync.

"Uh, no. I just asked you," I reinforce with a belch. It's at this moment that I realize that no sound comes out of this hallucination pony's mouth.

"What's wrong?" I hiccup again, "Cat got your tongue?"

Again, the image is content with miming my actions in silence.

"Oh, forget it," I sigh as I turn around and run into the foot of my bed's mattress.

"Good night!" I shout to the heavens as I twist and fall.

~No one to talk with
All by myself
No one to walk with
But I'm happy on the shelf
Ain't misbehaving
I'm saving my love for you~

There is light in my eyes. I don't understand why it is so bright. My heart is thumping. Why is it beating so loudly? My head feels like there is a military tank running it over even though I never have that experience. I clench my teeth to try to minimize the various pains and nuisances. My effort is in vain and the intensity of the migraine is multiplied.

Ow, ow, ow, I strain to think, my head.

I open my eyes to try to assess the situation. I instantly regret doing so. The light doesn't reduce brightness. All it does is change colors. Suffering pain just through basic thinking, it takes me probably a few minutes before I realize that I'm looking at the support frame of my bed.

I'm on the floor? I think to myself.

Vague recollections of the previous night return to me. Though, none of them really help me at the moment. I remember trying to limit my alcohol intake to just one mug. I also remember a Cardinals' game. The rest of the evening is lost in a haze. I think the piercing headache is partially responsible.

"Gah, it feels like I've been trying to lift weights with my skull," I whimper.

My fingers feel like they're balled in fists. My toes feel like they're curled in close. The only good feeling in my body right now is my back that feels slightly more flexible. I pretend that I remember the "dog" yoga pose and stretch myself. Unfortunately, the cracking vertebrae remind my ears that my mind is still amplifying all sounds. My headache keeps trying to claim that its my best friend. Sagely, I choose not to believe its claim.

Ignorance is only a temporary fix. In order to permanently lock mister headache out of my circle of acquaintances, I need painkillers. My legs are still a bit unsteady right now. So, I settle for a close-fisted crawl over to my nightstand that's just a bit aways from my bed. I know that I put it over there so that I'd have to get up to turn off the alarm on work day mornings. But today, the extra distance is taking its toll on my patience.

I try to tell myself that it's my own fault for getting a hangover. All that succeeds in doing is making me even more annoyed. At that moment, I hate that I'm right. It is my fault for thinking that one more drink wouldn't hurt. Now I am paying the consequences for my irresponsibility. It's still annoying, though.

The nightstand is pretty short, so I can reach the top of it even at my crawling height. I feel around for a bit before I find the small bottle of acetaminophen. For some reason, my fingers are refusing to open up from fists. I decide to just use both fists to grab the bottle on either side and gently bring within eye level. Of course, eye level is a bit of a poor choice of words right now. My eyes are closed again because the morning light is too flipping bright.

Aside from the lack of visual, I now have to contend with the bane of all medicine takers' existence: the child-proof cap. It really needs a new name. These things don't keep children out of the contents. They keep everybody else from accessing the much-needed pills. I twist and I try every force possible with closed fists. The bottle remains unopened and my migraine continues to pressure me.

Eventually, I am just fed up with the bother. I bite the cap between my jaws and perform a quick neck snap to the right. Pro: the cap is now off and the contents of the bottle are accessible. Con: said contents are scattered over the floor. How do I know this? The sound of several simultaneous crashes on the wood floor is enough to tip me off.

Cautiously, I open my left eye and I am glad that the light doesn't threaten to burn my retinas. I peer into the bottle to see if there are any pills left inside. Ironically, I see the recommended dose remaining. Two tablets rest at the bottom of their container in harmony. I would chuckle, but I have way too big of a headache right now to find humor in the moment.

Deciding it's okay to take them straight from the bottle now that the rest of the contents are all over the floor, I sit down and lean my head back with my mouth open. I lift the bottle with both of my fists. I feel the two tablets touch my tongue before I swallow them whole.

"Relief will come in about twenty minutes," I tell myself. Something about that sentence forces me to open my eyes wide. Now that I have taken some time to wake up, I am able to surmise that something is not quite right. It is not the timing of the phrase that is wrong, because headache pills do take about twenty minutes to work their stuff. What's wrong is how I heard it.

The voice that I used sounds very different from the one I usually use. I know from the past that my vocal range typically sits in tenor. What I heard just a second ago sounds more like... alto. It's almost as if I just spoke like a woman. But the only time I can ever sound like a woman is when I sing higher pitches. During that time, I typically have to strain my vocal cords. This time is different.

"What the...?" I pause. I am not straining my vocal cords now. So why do I sound like I am speaking in alto?

Curiously, I haphazardly look down to my still fisted hand. There is just one problem. I don't see a clenched hand. I see some weird, purple, noodle... thing. It bends when I try to flex my wrist. It bends somewhere closer to me when I flex my elbow. I feel just a little unnerved at the realization that this thing is attached to me.

Worried what I'll see, curiosity plays a devil's advocate and convinces me to look at my other arm. I see another strange appendage identical to the one attached to my right arm. I turn my neck around a bit farther than should be humanly possible and see the rest of me. What I see is both fascinating and horrifying. More purple surrounds the skin where my backside and rear should be. A ruffed-up magenta piece of extendible hair twitches and I am a bit more disturbed that I can feel it twitching by means of my backbone.

"Is... that a... tail?" I ask. With a little effort, I find myself voluntarily forcing the alleged tail to move to one side and back to the other. This is not normal. I can feel my pupils dilating in anxiety.

Not really one to put off the inevitable, I 'crawl' over to the mirror near my open bedroom door. I do not see my own worried face. I see a hyperventilating cartoon character who has a picture of grapes and a strawberry on her flank.

"What... the... flip?" I say between struggled breaths.

My name is Miles Taru and I am Berry Punch.

Ch. 3: Holy Spirit

Holy Spirit

I literally have no idea what I'm doing. Well, that's not entirely true. Physically, I know that I am trotting back to the house that I was dragged from earlier. I have to know that Piña Colada is okay. She's Berry Punch's little sister if I recall correctly. The least I can do is make sure she's safe. But metaphysically, I have no idea what my next move is.

Twilight Sparkle is galloping off to who-knows-where to figure out how to find the newly formed Berryshine. I'm glad that she already cleared me to pass the guards outside the holding cell. I want to follow her, but I'm no Element of Harmony. The downside to being in the body of a background pony is the fact that they're usually in the way of the important events.

So first things first, I decide, Go check on Berry Punch's sister. With a short-term goal in reach, I quicken my pace until I'm standing in front of the door that I remember getting pulled out of. I'm not even bothered that my hoof can turn the doorknob so easily as I enter the house. I hear someone sniffling.

"Piña?" I call out. The sniffling stops and a familiar filly scampers into view.

"Sis!" wails Piña Colada. Tears are streaming on either side of her face. She runs up and embraces me.

"Oh, Big Sis," she sniffs, "I was so worried."

"Shhh," I exhale. I gently stroke her mane. It seems like the right thing to do at the time.

"There, there," I quietly say.

It takes a few minutes, but I think I manage to finally calm her down.

"What happened, Sis?" she inquires, "Where did those guards take you? Why?"

I have to break the news to her eventually. I take a deep breath and let it out before I start to tell her.

"Piña, what I have to say is going to be long and a bit confusing," I say as gently as possible, "Can you listen without interrupting until I tell you that I'm done?"

"Mm-hm," she nods as I wipe away some of her tears.

"All right," I affirm, "The first thing I have to say is that I'm not your sister. I'm the pony that you found asleep earlier today."

I can see her tense up a bit at the statement, but she nods for me to continue.

"The guards took your sister and I over to the holding cell for testing, under the suspicion that one of us was a changeling."

Again, she shivers but she isn't running away. That's a good sign... I think.

"Twilight Sparkle came in and tried some sort of spell to scan us. I guess it was a 'true identity' spell of sorts. When she used it on me nothing happened."

I'm not sure, but I think Piña Colada relaxes ever so slightly knowing that I'm not a changeling.

"When she used it on your sister, however, something neither of us expected happened."

Now she's tense again and her eyes stare at me in anticipation.

"Berry Punch..." I pause because I still don't believe it, "She turned into a unicorn and teleported out of there."

Piña Colada opens her mouth in shock. Yeah, that is a perfect reenactment of my earlier reaction.

"So, Twilight ran off saying that she needed to find her and I came back to make sure you were okay," I finish.

She's still silent. Maybe she's expecting a Berry Punchline. (I mentally facepalm at my brain's pun.)

"Okay, I'm done," I let her know. She closes her mouth, but her eyes are still staring in shock.

"My sister..." she pauses, "is a unicorn?"

"Yeah," I affirm as I reach up a hoof to scratch my neck.

"And... she's out there somewhere... all alone."

I can see her shaking. I want to help her, but I don't know how. Although, I'm beaten to the punch by her initiative. Piña shakes the water from her eyes and stomps a hoof. Her eyes take a narrow, determined expression.

"I'm going to find my sister," she decides. She starts to trot toward the door.

"Wait!" I lift a hoof in her direction as I shout. She stops and turns her head to look at me, but I can see it in her eyes. She's all set to go and no pony is going to convince her otherwise.

What can I say to her? I mentally ask myself, 'It's too dangerous'? 'You're too young'? 'You shouldn't go'? Finally, my mouth decides automatically what to say.

"I'm going with you."

What?! Why?

"I feel partially responsible for her arrest," I reason, "I want to make it up to you two. The least I can do is help you find your sister."

You're crazy.

I ignore my argumentative thoughts and await Piña Colada's response.

"All right," she nods, "Thank you."

So this is it then. A filly's journey to find her sister begins. Traveling with her is her assistant that looks just like her sister. What obstacles lie in her path? What odds does she face? They are no matter. Look out world! Here comes Piña Colada!

*Gurgle*

Gurgle? I raise an eyebrow in confusion. Piña blushes slightly and avoids eye contact with me.

"Was that your stomach?" I ask innocently. She nods slowly still not looking at me.

*Urgle*

I feel the rumbling in my tummy too. I guess it has been quite a bit of time since I last ate. Upon hearing my stomach growling, Piña and I share a few chuckles.

"Let's get something to eat," she suggests as she goes further inside the house.

"Sounds good. Sounds good," I concur as I follow along behind her.

As if reflecting the cutie marks of this house's residents, I see Piña take out a coconut and a bunch of grapes from her refrigerator. I shrug off the irony by telling myself that I've seen weirder things happen today. Seriously, Berry Punch turning into Berryshine? Who (besides Pinkie Pie or Discord) can top that?

I have my fill of coconut milk and pre-wine, juice sacs and let out a satisfied belch. Though, I quickly launch a hoof to cover my mouth.

"Excuse me," I mumble.

Wouldn't want to be a bad influence on my little sister, I think before double-tracking my thoughts, Wait... my little sister? What am I saying? She's not my sister.

A slightly higher pitched burp interrupts my train of thought.

"Excuse me," chuckles Piña Colada.

I can't help but smile as well.

~Just eat it (Eat it)
Eat it (Eat it)
Don't you make me repeat it
Have a banana
Have a whole bunch
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch
Just eat it~

Now that lunch is over, our journey can begin. Youngest adventurer since the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Piña Colada bravely marches out the door. I make it my responsibility to accompany her in her quest. It is a quest that will quite possibly change the course of progress for all of Equestria. It may be the difference between some pony's life or death. We are going to search for her sister Berry Punch.

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm narrating the course of events.

Dramatic narration is so last year.

Humph. My logical mind takes away all of the fun.

It's what I do best.

Actually, the little filly scampers a bit in front of the house. It's at this moment that a rather important detail comes to mind.

"Where do we even begin looking?" I ask. In a way, I'm directing the question at both of us. Piña stops in her tracks and turns to look at me with genuine surprise. It didn't occur to her either until just now. We really don't have a good starting point for this impromptu search party.

"Um," she puts a hoof to her chin before putting it back down, "Hmm."

I look down at the ground and then up to the partly cloudy sky. I'm trying to get my thinking juices flowing. But there's no such luck, at least not for me.

"Hey!" Piña exclaims, "Why don't we go check with that Miss Twilight? She was with you when Sis disappeared, right? She might have a clue!"

That... I think, Actually sounds like a good idea. Why didn't I think of that before?"

I nod, "Okay, can you lead the way to the library?"

"Sure!" she replies. With that Eureka moment, she's off running again. I do my best to keep up. Even though I'm used to traveling on four legs, I'm still breathing heavily as I gallop.

After a few turns and straightaways, the giant tree with doors and windows is within eyesight. Just in front of the place, I stop to catch my breath. Am I really that out of shape? Piña Colada trots on up and knocks on the lower door. A couple seconds pass before the door opens as one piece. (How does a three-sectioned door open as one unit?)

"Can I help you?" asks the guy I immediately recognize as Spike.

"Is Miss Twilight here?" asks Piña.

"Yeah, but she's kind of busy right now," he answers.

"This won't take long at all. I promise," she smiles sweetly.

"Well... all right," he decides as he opens the door fully, "Come on in."

"Let's go, Berry!" she calls to me. In between heavy breaths, I nod and trot in after her.

The slightly cooler atmosphere of indoor air helps to relieve some of my fatigue. As I take a panning look through the library that doubles as a house, I let out a short, quick whistle. This place is bigger on the inside then it is on the outside. My slow gaze around the room is halted when I catch the sight of Twilight Sparkle. She is darting her eyes back and forth between two books. I doubt she even realizes that any pony came in.

"Miss Twilight?" chirps Piña Colada.

"Do you have a minute?" I add.

The book on Twilight's left drops as she looks up in surprise.

"Oh... it's you," she coughs as she recognizes me from earlier today. She clears her throat before asking, "What brings you here?"

Piña wastes no time in getting to the point, "You were one of the last ponies to see my sister before she disappeared. Do you know where she is?"

"Um," Twilight visibly sweats a little, "Isn't that her over there?" She points a hoof in my direction. To this, I answer her with a shake of my head.

"No," I reply, "She's talking about the unicorn that teleported away."

"That wasn't Berry Punch," Twilight insists, "I don't know who that unicorn was."

"I'm afraid that was the real one," I retort, "because I'm not."

"But...but, you have to be the real Berry Punch!" she stammers, "Otherwise my guise breaker spell would have revealed your true form. I've been in Ponyville long enough to know who is an earth pony."

"Does that 'guise breaker' spell work on humans?" I deadpan.

"Well, no. Humans are immune to magic. But what does that have to do with anything?" she looks at me funny.

I sigh, "That would explain why I didn't feel your spell do anything to me."

"What do you mean?" pipes in Piña.

"A couple days ago," I exposit, "I was a human being. After I had one too many, I woke up the next day in this form. Today, I woke up in Equestria."

Twilight starts mumbling but at a volume I can still hear her say, "The only magic that can work on a human is by way of the spirits."

"What?" ask Piña and I. She's confused while I'm shocked.

"There's an old story lost in the pages of Predictions and Prophecies that speaks of the select few humans that can enter Equestria," Twilight elaborates, "It speaks of how the demon-possessed beverages will cause most to feel pain, suffering, amnesia, and depression. But three shall be chosen by the pure-spirited liquids to access the peaceful haven."

This is rather thorough, I think with eyes wide open, and a bit too convenient.

"I think I might of made a mistake trying to use additional magic on you during that interrogation," she continues while taking a seat in regret, "My spell may have attached to the spirits that had given you your new body and accidentally channeled them into the other Berry Punch."

At this point, she laments, "Oh, what have I done?"

I don't know what you've done, Twilight. In fact, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you've conveniently already read about something regarding how I got here in the first place. Plus, the prophecy says 'three' shall be chosen. In that case, who are the other two? Not to mention, what is the connection between the spirits that are drinks and the spirits that are more... mystical? Is that sort of magic all it takes to change a natural born earth pony into a unicorn?

Confound these ponies. They drive me to... I stop that train of thought with, Nah, it's too easy.

"So..." interjects Piña Colada reminding us of her existence, "Is there any way to find my sister?"

"Yes," Twilight stands up with a sort of restored determination, "I believe there is. I decided to study the contents of this book full of different locator spells. This one here..." she taps a page in her levitating hold, "is complicated, but it should be enough to at least move in the right direction."

"What's it do?" I ask.

"By focusing on the essence of a pony's hair," Twilight explains, "it should provide a real-time guide to the owner's location."

"Where are we going to one of Big Sis's hairs?" inquires Piña.

"From right here!" grins Twilight as I suddenly feel a quick and irritating yank.

"Ow!" I yelp. In Twilight's magical hold floats a lock of hair from the mane that rests on my head.

"Won't that just point back to me?" I inquire while rubbing my head on the sore spot.

"It shouldn't," disagrees Twilight, "You're not the original owner of that mane."

"How does the spell tell the difference?" asks Piña for me.

"Because magic is finicky and intelligent like that," Twilight answers cryptically.

Unicorns and their magic, I mentally groan as I shake my head.

The hair seems to float in the magenta aura that is Twilight's magic. She closes her eyes and starts to focus. At least, I think she's focusing. Her teeth are clenched and she's letting out sounds of struggling from her mouth. Soon the hair is spinning around rapidly. After what counts as ten seconds, it slightly puffs out like an arrow. It points in the direction of the door that Spike is still holding open. Sorry, Spike. This wasn't as quick as we thought it would be.

"I've got a lock!" Twilight determines, "She's twenty-point-three-four kilometers that way!"

"Really?" asks Piña Colada, "Great! Let's go!"

I'm about to question the feasibility of traversing that distance without a plan. Before I can even form a word, Twilight and Piña are already galloping through the door. The former makes a quick request for Spike to look after the house while we're gone. Sighing in defeat, I run to catch up with the other two ponies. Why are they always running?

When this is all over and done with, I think, I'm getting a margarita. For some unexplainable reason, my right hoof lifts up while I'm still galloping and smacks my cheek. I blink a few times as it returns to running with the rest of my legs.

"What just happened?" I ask no one in particular.

And I quote, "If I ever ask for more than one refill of ale again, I'm going to slap myself so hard that I'll still feel the pain of that slap ten years later."

"I wasn't wishing for a refill!" I argue with my mind, "That was a plan for just one drink."

Sure it was.

I hear the sarcasm dripping from my thoughts. Sometimes, I am my own worst enemy.

Ch. 4: Tonic Water

Tonic Water

I do not have much time. Surely the heavenly realms can see this. I must complete the ritual. If I cannot, then he will surely destroy me. But... not if I destroy him first.

Every road has to start somewhere. This road starts on the dirt path into the Everfree Forest. This place is a danger to any who enter, unless you're on your way to Zecora's hut for plot convenience. In that case, it's slightly less dangerous to those who enter. There's only one problem. Out of the three of us taking this journey, none of us are Apple Bloom. So basically, we're doomed.

Don't be so pessimistic.

I'm being realistic. This forest is always full of danger every time some pony decides to wander through. There are a number of beasts from Greek mythology in here. There are plants in here that contain lethal toxins.

Poison joke never killed any pony.

I sigh in resignation. I can't win against the stubborn counter arguments of my mind.

Darn straight you can't.

"Berry," interrupts Piña Colada. I blink from my spacing out and look at the little girl.

"Are you ready to go?" she asks. I nod once. I notice Twilight standing there lost in her own thoughts. Briefly I wonder if spacing out is contagious.

"Twilight, you all right?" I address her.

She turns to me and says something that didn't occur to me until just now, "Two ponies are both named Berry Punch. That could get confusing later on."

"Oh, is that all?" I shrug, "If you want, you can call me 'Miles' for differentiation. That's what my actual name is."

"Miles?" she echoes, "That doesn't sound like a girl's name."

"I was a guy before I turned into a pony," I explain.

"Oh," she blushes while turning back to the path, "Uh... let's get going."

Piña Colada is already a few steps ahead of us. Twilight and I have to catch up a bit, but soon we're all trotting along at a steady and cautious pace. We've got to keep an eye out for whatever danger the forest decides to throw at us. Besides, I'm pretty sure Twilight is the only one with her spell keyed onto whatever position we're walking to. Still, I'm not going to deny my little sister the right to lead the way on her quest.

I just did it again, I think, Why can't I stop thinking of Piña Colada as my sister? I don't even have a little sister. I was the youngest of my parents' children.

For a moment, I just let my limbs walk on autopilot as I gaze at Piña.

And yet... I continue, I'm worried about losing her. Is this some kind of side effect of being in this particular body? I really hope we can find Berryshine soon. Then, this whole mess can be settled.

The lock of Berry Punch's hair in Twilight's magic hold shines brighter. We must be getting closer. Simultaneously, the forest is getting darker. We’re in pretty deep. I hope for all it’s worth that I don’t step in any poison joke that I can’t see.

*snap*

Oh, universe. You have the most obscure sense of humor ever. Did I ever tell you that?

I step on a twig. Of all the things that could have happened, I step on a twig. The dark atmosphere is immediately illuminated by several pairs of green lights. The growls of a pack of beasts fill my ears.

Well… crap.

“Run!” yells Twilight.

“Don’t have to tell me twice!” I exclaim.

In the eerie green light of timber wolf eyes, I spot Piña. I gallop toward her and scoop her up over my head and neck. I don’t stop running even after I feel her securely grab onto me. My heart is pounding at the thought of getting bitten and clawed to death by living wood. I’m thinking the word “frig” five times per second.

Panic tends to lead to stupid decisions. My stupid decision is to turn my head to look at the pursuers. Yep, they’re still wooden wild dogs.

Frig! They’re even more intimidating in 3-D! I mentally shout.

There’s a sudden sense of weightlessness. I hear Twilight screaming, followed by me, and finally Piña. I don’t know how, but we’re falling. I feel my body getting banged around by what must be some impossible turns in this path through the ground. Eventually, I feel friction kick in scraping along my leg until the world stops moving by me. For once, I’m dizzy from something other than intoxication.

I shake out the stars in my vision before looking around. This place I’m now in is a surprisingly well-lit cavern. The walls and floors are mostly different shades of blue. There’s an occasional purple mushroom and blue flower to break the monotony. My little sister is still holding on for dear life, so I try to poke her to get her attention. Slowly, she takes a look around before loosening her grip. Meanwhile, Twilight is out in front trying to recover from our most recent spin cycle.

“Where are we?” I ask.

“This isn’t possible!” Twilight gasps, “Look over there!”

Piña and I look to where the smart one is pointing her hoof. It looks like a small, underground water source. The layout reminds me of a swimming pool.

“A lake?” wonders Piña.

“This is the Mirror Pond,” observes Twilight.

“The Mirror what?” I try echoing for clarification. I haven’t watched the show recently. I am probably forgetting some terms and locations.

“But that doesn’t make sense,” Twilight continues, “Who would go and move the cover?”

“Oh, that was me,” answers a familiar voice.

Three sets of eyes open wide at that response. At least, I assume Twilight and my sister are as startled as I am. I look over the water to the opposite edge. Standing there with her horn aglow is Berryshine. She smiles lightly as a certain lock of hair floats over into her mane.

“Thanks, I’ve been looking everywhere for that,” she chuckles.

“What are you planning to do with the Mirror Pond?” demands Twilight.

“Yeah,” I scoff, “Are you trying to admire your reflection?”

“Not quite,” Berryshine answers with an unsettling, calm tone, “Many ponies know that the Mirror Pond can create copies of the pony who recites a certain poem. What they don’t know, however, is what happens when you add two pure quinine crystals to the water.”

“Qui-what crystals?” I wonder aloud.

She doesn’t answer that. Instead, she uses her magic to levitate a couple of white, crystalline rocks from a bag behind her. The magic releases and the rocks make a couple splashing noises in the pond. There’s a thin layer of bubbling all across the surface. Before I know it, there’s another mulberry-colored pony rising out of the water.

“Where the heck did she come from?” I yelp.

This new pony’s eyes are closed, but another set of organs are not. Specifically, her wings choose this moment to open. That’s right. This is a Pegasus version of Berry Punch.

“What the draconequus is going on?” mutters Piña Colada.

Berryshine charges up her magic again. What surprises me is how her horn suddenly disperses and how a ghostly afterimage of a unicorn starts floating out of her. I can’t begin to comprehend what I’m seeing. I open and close my mouth a few times, failing to form coherent words.

A now hornless Berry Punch collapses where she stands. Meanwhile, the unicorn ghost floats on a diagonal path towards the Pegasus. I’m still not entirely sure what I’m watching, but the ghost spins and kicks the flying Berry Punch in the back. The solid pony’s wings somehow dematerialize while she’s sent sailing through the air. She opens her eyes just in time to collide with Twilight Sparkle as they both crash into the wall.

A bright light shining from above the pond gives me the urge to look at the source. It is difficult to see, but the ghost unicorn now has a pair of wings.

“What… the… actual… frig?” I choke my words out.

There is a horned Pegasus. There is a winged unicorn. It’s an Alicorn! What the flipping devil is the ghost of an Alicorn doing here? I don’t even words. My dumb is currently the brain. Just… what?

“Hey, come on!” yells a voice from nearby as my hoof gets yanked to my right.

“What?” I yelp. The wingless Berry Punch has me in her grip somehow and is running the edge of the water.

“We need to get me back,” she responds.

“What?” I stammer. That statement didn’t answer my question.

“Almost there,” she ignores me.

As we slide to a stop, I notice that we have crossed the distance around to the opposite side of the pool. The hornless Berry Punch is coming around as the wingless Berry Punch shoves me around to stand next to her.

“What hit me?” murmurs hornless Berry.

“What exactly are you trying to do?” I ask wingless Berry.

“The only way to overcome the ghost is with three new spirits,” she explains.

“What?”
“What?” the hornless Berry asks at the same time that I do.

Wingless Berry procures three bottles of some liquid and hoofs one to each of us. I am so confused right now. Meanwhile, the ghost Alicorn is shooting magic out sporadically all around the cavern. I don’t feel safe in here. None of us do. Next thing I know, a stray bolt knocks Piña Colada to a wall and she falls limp.

“Sis!”
“Sis!” Again, hornless Berry exclaims in unison with me.

“Come on!” urges wingless Berry.

“What good is taking a drink going to do now?” inquires hornless Berry.

“Have a little faith in yourself,” wingless Berry replies with a smile.

Hornless Berry and I look at each other. Her confused expression mirrors my own. I then look down at the open bottle.

“Well, it’s been real and it’s been fun,” mutters hornless Berry.

“But it hasn’t been really fun,” I finish. I hear the sound of the other two Berries chugging as I gulp down the contents of my bottle.

---{Third-person POV}

Three empty bottles shatter on the cavern floor. A shade of red spreads over the eyes of the ponies that threw those bottles. The very air around them fills with tension. Bubbles of light pop around their heads. One of the ponies points their hoof at the floating alicorn ghost.

“Shay, what ish she lookin’ at?” Miles slurs.

The two look-alikes lift their eyes to the sight.

“I’d shay she’s flippin’ ush the horn,” the ex-unicorn answers with just as much slur.

“Let’sh give ‘er whart forth!” yells the drunken ex-pegasus.

“Yaugh!” agree the other two heartily.

Their running motion is wobbly and their eyes are unfocused. However, these hindrances actually help them move out of the way of the next few bursts of white magic of the alicorn ghost. In a crazy somersault, the ex-pegasus leaps above the head of the alicorn and delivers a hoof kick. The sheer force of the hit sends the ghost sailing through the air.

Meanwhile, the ex-unicorn has cartwheeled over to one side of the Mirror Pond. She gets in position where the confused alicorn is whizzing through the air. She pulls her hooves as if doing some stretches before delivering a punch right into the alicorn’s groin. The punch sends the ghost hurtling horizontally clear to the other side of the pond.

Miles Taru waits over there, currently punching nothing but air. In fact, it’s only by accident that one of his back kicks collide with the alicorn’s back. The ghost is launched back in the direction of the ex-pegasus who is somehow still in the air during all of this. But she isn’t alone. The other two ponies that resemble Berry Punch literally gallop up the walls to her position.

“Berry Punch Barrage!” all three of them yell as they deliver a group kick into the ghost’s body.

The unconscious alicorn smacks into the surface of the water, causing a lethal impact and a huge splash. All of the pond’s water geysers up before raining along the edge, outside the water zone, and the cavern walls.

Some weird white force causes the ex-pegasus and Miles to vanish. Meanwhile, the original Berry Punch plummets headfirst toward the Mirror Pond’s rocky bottom.

The next day…

Twilight Sparkle feels guilty. She can’t bring herself to cry near this tombstone, because she believes that she doesn’t have the right. Eventually, she just walks away from the scene in shame, even though it is not her mistake of which she is to be ashamed.

Piña Colada, however, has no such guilt. Only sadness. She and her niece Berry Pinch stand by the grave together. Each of them wears a black rose in their manes. They share a tearful hug without words.

Author's Note

Moral of the story: don't abuse alcohol consumption.
Even if you don't value your own life, there is always somebody left behind who does.

Ch. 2: What Did the Grape Say When It Got Squished?

What Did the Grape Say When it Got Squished?

It takes about a half hour before my breathing sounds a bit less forced and more like deep breaths. I have a hard time believing what I'm seeing here. I try raising my right eyebrow in disbelief. The pony in the mirror copies my action in real-time. I squint my eyes and lean in a bit closer. The image does the same thing. This is my reflection, but something in me still denies this undeniable fact.

The side that is usually my logic and common sense makes itself rather vocal.

"How the heck can I be a pony?" asks the woman in my throat, "For that matter, why Berry Punch?"

I have nothing against this pony personally, but the fact that I turned into her and not one of the other characters from Friendship is Magic seems a bit too random. If people turning into ponies was a more commonplace event, I could just as easily have turned into one of the main six or one of the other side characters or even one of the Princesses. Why did I become Berry Punch? I shake my head to try to reset my focus.

How did I turn into a cartoon pony in the first place? I ponder, Wait... what if I'm stuck like this? How will I go to work on Monday? How will I be able to do mundane tasks? How will I live?

I slowly move my fists - er hooves - to massage my temples. Worrying about the future can wait. Right now, I need to figure out some more immediate answers. Luckily, the acetaminophen is kicking in and my hangover pain is starting to alleviate. Thinking is no longer a strenuous task. I close my eyes to concentrate.

Okay, let's see. Last night... I think I recall... the bouncer kicking me out, I slowly retrace the events of yesterday evening, Then... I wandered. I...I somehow got home... but I don't remember which way I took exactly. Then, what happened before I fell asleep?

I open my eyes as the last piece falls into place.

I thought it was just a drunken hallucination, but... what if I really did see Berry Punch in the mirror? If I was already starting to look like her then...

In lieu of a finger snap, I slap my hooves together.

"That extra drink!" I exclaim, "There was something about that third mug that wasn't quite right. I didn't notice at the time because I was distracted by the ball game. But maybe..."

I gallop out of my bedroom and up the hallway. Sliding slightly as I take a sharp turn, I head to my makeshift cellar a.k.a. my garage. There is one particular bottle I was saving for a special visit. Now, however, it must be used in this emergency. I hastily grab the neck of the bottle in between my teeth and head back inside the house.

"If drinking excessively got me into this," I reason, "Then returning to my strict policy of one or two should reverse the phenomenon, right?"

Wouldn't it make more sense to return to the bar then and fix the problem there? my mind finds the plothole to my idea.

"I can't exactly go out in public like this," reasons Berry Punch's voice, "This is the next best thing."

Well, all right. If you're sure, I mentally shrug.

The cork comes out of the top of the champagne bottle without a fuss. I find it kind of unsettling that my pony teeth can accomplish in less than 15 seconds what a corkscrew takes at least one minute to do. But for all I know, Berry Punch's talent revolves around breweries. She probably has a knack for dealing with all sorts of bottles. Briefly, I think that doesn't quite explain the strawberry part of her cutie mark. That discrepancy is soon forgotten as I use both stubby excuses for hands to lift the bottle up and take a small swig.

There's only one problem. My small swig isn't as small as I first assumed. I shake the wine bottle after pulling it away from my mouth. There isn't exactly any liquid splashing around inside the bottle, except for a few small drops.

"How much can she pack away?" I wonder rhetorically.

My answer comes in the form of the room spinning around me. I guess she can't hold a whole bottle very well. Neither can I, but that's a moot point now. I am fully aware that my hooves are moving sideways and threatening to destroy any sense of balance I had this morning. I take a look at my right hoof. I'm having trouble seeing it as it starts turning transparent.

"H-hey," I slur, "Th-that means-s mry hand mill come back soon, right?"

My eyes are forced shut and I hit a tile-covered wall.

"Is she dead?"

Light is blurred in my vision as I struggle to lift my heavy eyelids. The colors look a bit different from my bedroom. I guess that's a little progress. There is a also a distinct lack of a hangover headache. I'm not sure how that's possible after drinking a full bottle of white wine.

"No, wait! She moved!"

Where is that voice coming from? I wonder silently. I try to move my head to look at the source, but the various colors of light are still too blurry for me to make anything out.

"Who are you?"

While my hearing is just fine, my reaction time is still a little hazy and slow. I blink away the blurriness as I reach up a... whatever limb I have now... to wipe away a drool drip. As I blink a couple more times, the colors take on more distinct shapes. I can finally tell what I'm looking at. Though, the victory I feel is short-lived.

"Holy crap!" I shout to the heavens. I try to shuffle back in shock but I'm already sitting down. I only succeed in causing my hooves to slightly burn from friction.

The two ponies that are looking at me show signs of confusion and concern. The smaller, light-colored pony looks at the larger one before turning back to me. She takes a cautious step forward.

"Excuse me, Miss?" she addresses me, "Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Just fine," I throw up my hooves in sarcasm, "I've only lost my mind and turned into a pony and quite possibly entered Equestria without any explanation. That's all!"

It's about this time that I realize that I'm yelling at an innocent child... even if she's an addition to my hallucination.

"Oh, uh," I lower my hooves and my voice, "I'm sorry, little one. I didn't mean to get mad at you."

"Don't worry about it," she calmly dismisses my outburst while shaking her head, "Maybe we should start over. Hi, I'm Piña Colada. What's your name?"

"I'm Berry Punch," I say automatically.

What? my mind disagrees, No, I'm Miles. Why did I say that?

The third pony in the room has a similar disagreement. It's apparent on her serious frown.

"Oh, yeah?" she asks, "If that's true, then who am I?"

She has the same pitch of voice that I currently have. Now that I'm looking at her more thoroughly, she has the two shades of purple for her coat and mane that I have. I can see what is happening right now, but I don't believe it.

"Sis, what's going on?" chirps Piña Colada, "Why does she have your name?"

The pony I'm looking at... is the genuine article, Berry Punch.

"What the heck?" I whisper.

The convenient opening of the door behind her is convenient. An orange-maned pony walks in and is talking before she fully sees who is inside.

"Hey, Berry, I was wondering if you had-," she immediately pauses. She looks at the other Berry Punch, then at me, and back at the other one. Carrot Top's eyes open wide as her pupils dilate. This is either really awkward or really bad.

"Changeling!" Carrot Top screams before running out the door that she opened.

Really bad it is then, I think before adding a sarcastic, Wonderful.

It's barely a minute later as two golden-armored ponies gallop in to storm the place. I didn't even think Ponyville had Royal Guards. That thought is moot, however, as one of the guards tackles me and forces my hooves into an uncomfortable cramping position.

"You have the right to remain silent!" he declares, "Anything you say can and will be used against you in court."

They follow police procedure? I skeptically think, I thought this was a dual-monarchy, not a democracy.

"Hey, let me go!" yelps the other Berry Punch.

Wait, why are they arresting her? I'm the fake one. I can't see her because the guard on top of me is pressing my face against the floor. This isn't fun at all.

"Quiet!" barks the other guard, "We're not taking any chances."

What have I gotten myself into? I worry as I feel myself being dragged along the floor.

"Big Sis!" cries Piña Colada as two Berry Punches are taken away.

~I'm breaking rocks in the hot sun.
I fought the law and the law won.
I fought the law and the law won.~

I stand in this small, black-barred cage as I await whatever judgment comes to pass. It has about the amount of light that one would expect from a room illuminated by a small window's worth of daylight. I make a promise to myself that if I ever ask for more than one refill of ale again, I'm going to slap myself so hard that I'll still feel the pain of that slap ten years later.

"Now look what you've gotten us into!" torments the Berry Punch in the standing cage next to me. I don't try to deny her right to be angry. This is my hallucination after all. She's only suffering because I'm imagining that... and I hate whatever sadistic part of my mind wants to see background ponies suffer. No sentient being deserves to be falsely accused regardless if they are genuine or fabricated.

She shouldn't be in here, I think, I'm the irresponsible drinker. Don't drag her down with me, universe.

A sliding clang interrupts Berry Punch's rant and we both look to what made the noise. A pony-shaped shadow can be seen in the frame of the light from that doorway. The room is then made slightly brighter by some magenta light. The shadow shrinks as the caster approaches the cage that I am in.

Twilight Sparkle, I acknowledge.

On any other day, I would be jumping up and down, wetting my pants, and asking for an autograph (not necessarily in that order). Today, however, I am a prisoner. My sense of excitement is dulled by the impending sentence that the master of magic is bound to place on me. I just know something terrible is about to happen. Twilight Sparkle pulls out a scroll and unrolls it. She reads it as if it were legal procedure (which it probably is).

"By decree of her royal highness Princess Celestia of Equestria, all suspected changeling activity must be quarantined and scanned. I, Twilight Sparkle, hereby take full responsibility of the magical scanning today. Any sign of the subjects being suspicious must be reported to the higher ups for specific sentencing."

She rolls up the scroll and returns it to the small bag beside her.

"In other words," she states, "Whoever is the one wearing the disguise is sure to face a life of torture."

This show is for little girls? I squinch my face in an expression of being disturbed.

"What are you waiting for then?" asks the real Berry Punch, "Send this bug on its way and let me out!"

"She's right," I sigh, "I'm the faker. Don't make her suffer for my misdeed."

"I'll be the judge of that," retorts Twilight as her horn glows a distinct purple instead of its usual magenta. She moves directly in front of me. I have no idea what the spell is supposed to be doing. I close my eyes and wait for the end.

"Nothing out of the ordinary here," she mutters.

Huh? I open my eyes and look up, But, I didn't even feel anything. Did she even cast her spell?

But Twilight is already moving on to the next cage. Her horn's purple glow starts to flow at Berry Punch. The caged pony starts shivering and holds her head. She whimpers like she's suffering pain. This can't be the same spell that Twilight used on me. How can I be scot-free when the original is taking the hit? A bright light emerges from her forehead and I have to cover my eyes against the blinding flash.

The flash fades and I cautiously lower my hoof to take a peak. I am shocked to see the other prisoner. Twilight appears just as shocked as I am. The pony in the other cage is... Berry Punch.

But it's not Berry Punch. It clearly has a unicorn's horn and a slightly paler coat than Berry Punch. But it is her, because she has the same mane cut and cutie mark. A resigned frown and closed eyes make up her face at the moment. In a slightly less blinding flash, the pony that I see vanishes.

"B-Berryshine?" I whisper breathlessly, but she's already gone.

Meanwhile, Twilight Sparkle is doing her impression of a short-circuiting Sweetie Bot. Only her impression sounds more like various, unfinished English phrases rather than sparks and sizzles. But I still make the connection in my mind. Eventually, she finishes by letting out a frustrated sigh and starts walking away.

"I've got to find her," she decides, "I don't know how and I don't know where to start, but I have to find her."

"Hey, what about me?" I call her. She pauses and looks back at me blankly.

"I'm kind of still trapped in a cage," I point out.

"Oh, right," she smiles sheepishly. Her magenta glow floats a key over toward the bars and undoes the lock. The cage door opens outward and I exit. For now, I decide to follow Twilight out of this prison area. As far as the Berryshine situation, I only have one thought.

What. The. Heck?