Yes, Luna, I still miss him even though I’m on the threshold of another marriage to another stallion. A stallion that loves me dearly and passionately and will be able to love me for longer than Shining Armor ever could, may he rest in peace. It’s just... I can’t get over the fact that waking up next to him, while it will be happy and honestly... wonderful... it will not be the same. He’s a good stallion, and I love him. But you have to understand... no matter what, I can’t have that first morning back.
I mean... I remember when I first woke up next to Shining Armor, a pony I could finally call my husband. The whole wedding and everything else had been a blur, a race; yes, it was a happy one but still... just so fast. We were too busy to be happy, but too in love to be sad. I remember the morning after when I opened my eyes to see he was still asleep. Finally, we didn’t have to rush or look forward to anything or go anywhere. I could just stare at him and see the face of my husband in the colt I met years ago.
I was so careful not to wake him when I pulled the covers farther up my neck to my chin. It was cold up in the north, even during the summer. Well, of course, now we know why, but then I couldn’t have imagined... I was just happy for a little extra warmth you know?
I’m sorry, Luna. I don’t mean to gross you out. I’m just remembering.
It just bothers me so much though. It’s really not fair. I do love him deeply, but I feel as if I’ll always compare him to Shining Armor, and I’ll always want that first morning back. I just remember...the complete surrendered relaxation and contentment on his face as he slept next to me. I remember his breath on my face, smelling like last night’s dinner of course, and how it would warm whatever it touched. I still get shivers thinking of how even his breathing seemed to be a loving touch for me...
Alright Luna, I’ll not get so sappy, but you did ask. Yeah, I guess that’s another thing I’ll miss about that morning. We didn’t have our first fight in our marriage yet; we hadn’t faced hardship together as a married couple. I was so caught up in the details that I automatically viewed Shining Armor as the ideal everything. For those first few minutes when he slept: he was perfect.
It’s so hard to explain unless you go through it yourself someday.
Alright, I’ll try not to sound like Aunt Celestia. I know she keeps bugging you.
But yeah, every day after that first morning of waking up things would never be exactly like that first time. Either he would wake up before me and wake me up with a kiss to start the day, or we’d wake up mad at each other about the night before, or I would find something else out about him that would...well, not really make me like him less but would show him in a different light that I had to adjust to. You know?
But, that first time... that is the time that stuck to me.
I always thought about the wedding night and how that union would be the ultimate union and that would be what I would look forward to the most and all that. Honestly, yeah it’s nice, but it’s also incredibly awkward...
Alright I’ll stop talking about it. Will you stop hitting me? It did get better later with time you know...
Ok, put the pillow down! I’ll stop! I’ll stop!
But yeah, basically, I never expected that the moments that would mean the most to me would be the moments where... we just had a chance to look at each other. Where I felt like I could memorize his face to hold with me forever. I felt like... like I was actually married. That the stallion who was lying in front of me... was mine, and I was his. I was truly his. I was going to wake up to him every morning—or so I thought—and be his. Nothing was going to change the fact that I was, at this moment, the wife of the colt I loved.
Honestly, Luna, I really can’t describe it... it’s not just a logical thought or a realization... It’s something that creeps into you and stops your heart and your breath. It overtakes you. You... can’t believe it’s real and you don’t want to wake up, but you want to hide because... this pony actually has chosen to be with you.
Wow, it’s so hard to explain but... this pony looks at you... and has chosen to see you, with all your flaws, as... perfect. You know you will fail him, and you know there are rough times ahead, so you wish for it not to be real so you can avoid the hard times you see coming. You feel so scared that you’re going to do something to ruin the relationship and he’ll never love you again or he’ll leave you and every worst case-scenario goes rushing through your mind... You don’t know if you can hold on to the pony you love. I knew my days with him were numbered. I would lose him one day and it would hurt incredibly. I couldn’t do anything to stop his death or keep him for eternity.
And yet, I considered myself lucky that he fell in love with me... He... loved me, no matter what flaws I had. And even though I knew I wouldn’t have it for my entire life, I wanted to give that to him for the rest of his.
Luna, if you didn’t want a sappy love story you wouldn’t have visited me tonight. Remember, you asked me how it feels to be getting married again. Marriage definitely changed me in ways I never saw coming, and widowhood brought many things I never expected. But, every moment, from that first moment before he opened his eyes as my husband, was worth it. Even the doubt and fear along with the contentment... It was worth it. And even though I know this time will be different, I know it will be worth it to start again, even if it isn’t perfect or like my marriage with Shining Armor. It will still be worth it.
Well, I’ve delayed the moonrise too long. Good night, Luna. See you tomorrow.
