Speaking Of Sex...

by TheOnly

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Sex, Human, Main 6
Length: 4597

Nopony knows what it is.

When a human turns up in Equestria asking for sex, he is met only with perplexed stares and questions.

Don't take this seriously.

Published 2012-10-27 22:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-27 22:30:01 UTC

Pardy

A/N: This is a parody using the second person. Do not be offended, "you" does not actually mean you, it's just a tool through which the parody is done.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Yes! It worked!"

You look around at the world, basking in your glory. You have done it, you have teleported to Equestria! Who would have thought that bacon and Twinkies were the secret? Certainly not yourself, luckily your midday snack of bacon covered Twinkies had fallen into the portal batter and somehow got it to work. And obviously the results show, you are in Equestria, after all. The bright colors around you hurt your eyes at first, but you get used to it and adjust. However, you are in a meadow, and the nearest sign of civilization is far away, lining the distant horizon with its buildings. With a sigh, you realize that you're going to have to walk the distance. You hate walking, walking is like the bad frosting on cake. You have to get through the frosting to enjoy the cake, and the cake isn't complete without the frosting. You sigh as you begin your trek towards what you can only assume is Ponyville.

While you walk, you think about all the things you want to do here in Equestria. And like all self-respecting penis-controlled males, the first thing on your mind is sex. I'm totally going to bang a pony. You lick your lips and close your eyes in imagination.

Great, now you're walking with a hard-on from the places your imagination just went. It becomes uncomfortable in your jeans and you slow down your pace until it goes away, which isn't very soon considering your mind just can't get away from those delicious thoughts you were having. You let out a giggle at the thought of a girl coming to Equestria. Sucks for her, you think, there's only, like, one stallion in all of Equestria. Luckily girls could never come to Equestria, it's impossible, that's just science.

Speaking of science, how are you going to get back to Earth? Panic seizes your body as you realize that you are stranded in a foreign world without hamburgers, hot dogs, steak, and pretty much any kind of meat. The sex better be damn good.

Not that you have any point of reference to compare it to, but that doesn't matter.

Ponyville is coming closer, and the windmill that defines it is clear, affirming your assumptions that the buildings you saw were, indeed, Ponyville.

You hum the theme song quietly, singing the words mentally. Big adventure, tons of fun, a beautiful heart, faithful and strong, sharing kindness, it's an easy feat, and magic makes it all complete. So many sexual innuendos to work with.

Finally, the meadow gives way to the first buildings and roads, and your feet hit the stones. Awesome.

There it is, not too far off. The large tree that doubles as Twilight Sparkle's library. You can't contain your glee, and a smile plasters your face as you walk much more briskly toward the library. You feel stares from all around, but with the library in sight you pay no attention.

The roads are surprisingly empty, probably because a human was coming through and nopony had ever seen one before, but at least it made it easier to navigate. Your eyes fixate on the library, not allowing you to see much else. Fantasies play through your mind, making the smile across your face even wider.

Finally, panting and tired, you arrive in front of the wooden door that leads into the one and only Twilight Sparkle's home. After you manage to catch your breath, you brush yourself off and fix your hair. Have to look your best for the ponies.

Taking a deep breath, you gather all your confidence and turn the brass knob of the door. All at once you throw the door open with a mighty force. However, the door isn't designed to take such a force, and as it swings open and smashes into the wall, it breaks off the hinges and the wood breaks. You stand petrified in the doorway. It's quite a short doorway, too, only going up to your thighs. No matter, you lay down on your stomach and crawl through. Once fully inside, you stand up and brush the dirt off of your shirt.

Whoa.

There they are. You lock gazes with them. The six ponies that you've been waiting so long to see. Nobody speaks for a long moment. The ponies all look scared and surprised, making it that much more awkward that you're smiling like a fool because you expected to just find Twilight but instead found all six of your favorite ponies, minus Luna.

They aren't what you expected. Each pony barely reaches your knee in height. Suddenly the title of the show hits you, My Little Pony. You don't understand how you forgot that the ponies were little, you had always just assumed that they were at least up to your waist. There's no way it's going to fit into them.

There must be a way, you are confident that them being little won't change a thing in your plans.

"Hello," you say, finally breaking the silence. None of the ponies respond, they are all too shocked at the presence of a human.

"Hello," you say again, this time more emphatically.

Finally the ponies stir, moving about a bit.

"What are you?" asks Twilight. Just as you expected, the question you had been preparing for. Your practiced tongue easily describes humans to the ponies, where you came from, what you are, who you are, and other things of the like. After you finish talking, the ponies all look at each other, as if they were sending silent messages to see if anypony else had seen a human before. You let out a small laugh. It was nice knowing you were the first human to land in Equestria.

"So, what are you doing here?" asks Twilight. Curious little pony, she is.

You smile, the question you have been waiting for.

"Oh no reason," you say, your voice becoming silky smooth,"I just wanted to get to know you better."

Nailed it. Tone was perfect, voice was silky, sexual undertones were definitely conveyed, now for the bedroom eyes. Hours upon hours of porn have prepared you for this, and you give the ponies your best bedroom eyes, giving each and every one of them a supple stare.

"What do you want to know?" asks Twilight, the other ponies coming closer to you, realizing that you are friendly. Just like you expected, they're totally cool with seeing a human. Totally.

"Oh you know, things," you say, keeping the silk in the smooth.

"What things?" asks a new voice. You shift your focus from Twilight, and see that it was Rainbow Dash who asked the question.

"I was thinking I could get to know you guys on a personal level," you say, giving a sly smile. Nobody could miss the sexual undertones of your voice now.

"Oh, okay," says Twilight. "Well, I'm Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie." All of them give a small wave with their hooves.

Ugh, why won't they just have a seven-way orgy with you already? So difficult.

"Okay, that's great. I was just thinking that maybe we could, you know, turn down the lights, get comfortable..." You give another half-smile, ignoring the fact that you just met these ponies and were already asking for sex. Nice one champ.

"So, you want to go to bed?" asks Twilight. The ponies all looked confused.

"You could say that." Another sleezy smile and bedroom eyes again should get the message across. However, the ponies remain confused. They gather into a circle and have a short discussion filled with whispering, and then disperse seconds later.

"Okay, you can stay at Rarity's house, she has a spare room that you can stay in," says Twilight.

"And fit into," chimes Rainbow Dash.

Ooooo, Rarity wants you all to herself, selfish little pony. You give Rarity a smile, thinking about what Rainbow Dash just said. You'll fit right in. With a wink, you turn away from Rarity just soon enough to avoid her look of confusion.

Of course, why have one when you could have six?

"Why don't we all just stay here instead, the seven of us, and, um, get down to business." So smooth.

"No, no," says Twilight,"There simply isn't enough room here for all of us, let alone you, Spike, and myself. You should go with Rarity."

Oh well, it was worth a try. Besides, your head canon says that Rarity is the best in bed out of the six of them, so it's a win anyway. Not to mention Twilight was going to let Spike join, ew. These ponies are kinkier than yourself.

"I suppose we should get going, come along darling," says Rarity, trotting out of the library. You wave goodbye to the ponies and crawl through the door again. You follow Rarity through the streets.

Within a minute, you are standing in front of the Carousel Boutique. It's just like you imagined it, colorful and stuff.

Rarity enters through the door and you follow. This door is slightly larger than the one on the library, so you only have to kneel down to get through. Once inside, you stand up and look around. It's a mess, fabrics are everywhere, unfinished dress designs strewn across the floor, and other fashion equipment covering the tables and floor. It's going to be a crazy, fun night with all this fabric everywhere.

Rarity leads you up the steps to the second floor where the bedrooms are located, along with the guest room. She tells you that the guest room is where you will be staying until you decide to leave.

Then you remember, you don't know how to leave. Oh well, you'll cross that bridge when you come to it.

Rarity leaves you to get comfortable in the guest room and trots back to her own bedroom. An invitation to follow, you assume.

Unzipping your jeans and leaving them in the bedroom, you follow Rarity back to her bedroom and hear her singing a song quietly while she organizes the mess in the room.

"I'm ready," you say, bursting into the room while you begin to remove your t-shirt. However, it gets stuck on your elbow, the collar halfway up your face as you struggle to pull it off.

Rarity looks at you with disgust as you hobble around the room trying to detach the shirt from your face and arms. It seems stuck. You bend over and try to position your arms differently. No dice, you just end up pulling on your neck more.

You relax your muscles and allow the shirt to fall back down, covering your body once more.

Rarity is staring at your boxers.

"You like?" you ask in a raunchy tone, putting your elbow out to lean on the wall. There is no wall, however, and you almost topple downwards. When you regain your balance, you lean against the wall and cross your legs, giving your "let's get it on" smile and stare to Rarity.

"Like what?" says Rarity. "What are you doing in my room? What happened to your blue, um..." Rarity looks upwards, trying to remember what you had said about human clothes back in the library.

"Jeans!" she exclaims. "Yes, Jeans. What happened to your blue jeans?" Beneath her breath she mumbles something you can barely make out. "I am never going to get the hang of these human clothes."

"My jeans?" you say,"Oh, we won't be needing those." Cue sexual eyes and subtle smile. Nobody can resist you now.

"Why not? I must say their color did compliment your eyes nicely," she says. You laugh.

"You know why, let's get on the bed, I'll show you how us humans do it," you say, walking forward. You stop your advances for a moment, your brain running a quick check to make sure you know how humans do it. Meh, you have a good guess, that's all that matters.

"I'm not sure what you are speaking about," says Rarity, one eyebrow slightly raised, her face smeared with confusion.

I groaned, she was oblivious. Maybe stallions hinted at sex a different way than humans did. That made sense.

"Do I have to spell it out for you? S-e-x, let's have sex," you say. It was blunt, but subtlety wasn't working. Hopefully she wouldn't be taken aback by your straightforward advances, most women were.

"What is that?" asks Rarity.

You freeze in your tracks. "Sex. You know..." Words fail you. Painting a picture of what sex is is harder than you thought.

"I've never heard of it," she says.

Now it's your turn to be surprised and confused. Never heard of sex, how sheltered was Rarity? Maybe they call sex something different, you just had to explain it, then she'd understand. Yeah, that was it, they just had a different term for it.

"You know, when a boy and a girl use their, um, reproductive organs to make a baby," you say. Nice going, moron, now she thinks you want to have a baby with her. "I mean for pleasure, not a baby. No babies here."

"What in Equestria are you on about?"

You give an impatient sigh. The only way you're going to be able to get her to understand is to show her, obviously there is a cultural barrier.

"Come on, just lie down on the bed and I'll show you."

"I will not be lying down. I am going to stand right here." Rarity stomps her hoof on the ground. You hadn't anticipated her being so stubborn when it came to sex. At least she was starting to understand that it was time to get down and dirty.

"Oh well, oral it is."

With a sigh, you drop your boxers to the ground. Rarity draws back in disbelief and disgust.

"Go on, get sucking," you say, standing with your hands on your hips.

"That is it, we are going back to the library," says Rarity. She trots out the room, motioning for you to follow. Oh well, an orgy at Twilight's would have to do.

You follow Rarity out of the door, pulling up your boxers and grabbing your jeans along the way.

Within a minute or two, you're already outside of Twilight's library with Rarity by your side. She pounds on the door with her hoof.

"Twilight, are you in there?" she calls.

"It's open!" responds Twilight's voice.

Rarity opens the door and trots in and you follow. All the ponies are still there, sitting in a circle.

"Twilight, you wouldn't happen to have a book on humans, would you?" asks Rarity. You roll your eyes, so that's what this is about.

"No, I didn't even know they existed until today. I notified Princess Celestia and she's coming to take a look at him tomorrow," says Twilight.

"I don't know what the big deal is, all I said was I wanted to have sex." Every one of the ponies gives you a perplexed stare, Rarity less so.

"What is 'sex'?" asks Twilight. Her too? Does nobody in Ponyville know what sex is. They have to reproduce somehow.

The other ponies share Twilight's confusion, all of them looking at you for some sort of answer. You decide describing it won't work.

"If you don't know what sex is, than where do babies come from?"

The ponies look at each other, surprise in their eyes. After a few moments of awkward silence, Twilight pipes up.

"You'll find out when you're older," she says. Now you've lost your patience.

"Just tell me, dammit!"

The ponies flinch backwards at your sudden change in tone and volume.

"Okay, okay," says Twilight. She takes in a deep breath. "When two ponies love each other very much-"

"This is impossible," you interject. "Just get to the part with the babies."

"Alright, fine," she says. "Babies come from the magic of love."

She's kidding, right?

"How old do you think I am, five? Give it to me straight, where do babies come from?"

"I told you, the magic of love," says Twilight. You bury your head into your hands. All you wanted was some simple sex, but nooo, ponies just have to be so complicated, and now they're lying to you about where babies come from.

The ponies are all staring at you, waiting for you to say something.

You pull your head out of your hands and look at them with the most serious face you can produce.

"Look, give it to me straight. Do you have a vagina or not?"

More perplexed looks. I'm never going to get anywhere at this rate.

"A vagina?" asks Fluttershy. That's the first time you hear her speak, and that's what she says. Wonderful.

You let out a groan.

"At least tell me you know what a butthole is." All was not lost, anal was still an option. Anal is always an option.

"Butthole? I think I've heard that word before," says Rainbow Dash. Finally, common ground.

"Okay great, so you have one, correct?"

"How can you have one?" asks Rainbow Dash.

"You know, like on your body. On the back and stuff."

Rainbow Dash laughs. "On your body, that's not even possible!"

You're patience is running thin. "What do you mean not possible, where else would a butthole be?"

"Wait, butthole? Oh, I thought you said wateringhole, my bad. I don't know what a 'butthole' is."

How is mixing up those two words even possible?! You slap your forehead, the situation is hopeless. However, you still speak, hoping to somehow salvage it. The dream is not lost yet.

"A butthole, like an anus? You know, where the poop comes out." You are disgusted at your words. Talking of poop, how did it come to this?

"What's poop?" says Twilight.

"You have GOT to be kidding me," you yell,"everybody poops!" That's it, the final straw has been drawn. There's obviously no hope for these ponies. However, your stubborn brain refuses to give up. These ponies may not know anything, but Mrs. and Mr. Cake probably did! They had two babies, for Pete's sake!

Without saying goodbye, you storm out of the library, hitting your head on the wall before crawling through the door.

You spot Sugar Cube Corner instantly, and at a jog you reach it within a minute. You fling open the door and crawl through. Once inside, you automatically spot Mrs. Cake pouring some tea for a customer, and Mr. Cake at the counter, waiting for somepony to order.

Without introducing yourself, you walk up to Mrs. Cake and tap her on her back, realizing that ponies don't have shoulders. She turns around and screams for a few seconds as she tries to comprehend what a human is.

Not wanting to waste any time, you tell her and Mr. Cake to meet you outside. Sure enough, they come, and the three of you stand behind the building. After introductions are out of the way, you get straight to it.

"I want to know about your babies. Tell me right now, did sex create them?"

The two ponies look at each other. You groan, they don't know either.

"What do you mean," says Mrs. Cake.

"I mean where did your babies come from. They had to come from somewhere, so, where?"

They look at each other again, silently conversing.

Mr. Cake turns to you. "I have no idea."

"What do you mean you have no idea? Where did your baby pegasus and unicorn come from?" You are seething with anger at this point, patience is no longer present. Mr. Cake has a quick, private talk with his wife, and then turns back to you.

"We just went to the hospital, Mrs. Cake laid on a hospital bed for six minutes, and viola, two babies to go."

"Yes, but what made those babies?"

"We don't know," says Mrs. Cake. Her voice annoys you to no end. "We decided we wanted to have children so we went to the hospital, and like Mr. Cake said, six minutes and we were out of there with two babies."

You bury your head in your hands again, but this time out of anger. "Useless!" you scream. Stomping away, you mutter curses underneath your breath. What was supposed to be an all out sex-tastic vacation to Equestria was anything but.

Now you just want to go home. Dammit, now I have to cross that bridge. Knowing that your only way back will be through some sort of spell, you walk back to Twilight's library.

When you arrive, you kick open the new door Twilight had installed, destroying it. Anger management isn't your strong point. As you crawl through the opening, you're already yelling.

"That's it, I'm through, send me back home!" you yell. Twilight and her friends are startled at your sudden appearance. They trot over to greet you.

"Send you back home, how?" says Twilight.

"I don't know, there has to be some sort of spell that can transport me across universes," you say. Twilight puts a hoof to her chin, deep in thought.

"I think I know a spell like that. But in order to do it I will need some sticky tree sap. It's brown and forms little puddles on the ground. You can find it in the Everfree Forest. If you can bring me some than I think I can send you back home."

"Fine, whatever. Give me a bucket or something." Twilight floats a bucket over to you, which you grab out of the air. Within a moment, you're already out of the library, walking as fast as you can towards the forest.

In just a few minutes, you're already outside the forest, bucket in hand. With a deep sigh, you enter. The shit you put up with.

It doesn't take long before you find the brown puddle that Twilight told you about. Wanting to get home as quick as possible, you swing the bucket down, the opening facing away from your body, in an attempt to scoop up the brown liquid. The bucket gets stuck.

You pull with all your might, but the bucket won't budge. Resting for a moment, you prepare for a final heave. You tighten your muscles and give a huge pull. The bucket flies out of the sap and out of your hands. You stumble forward, your feet stepping into the liquid, and topple forward. Instinctively, you put your hands out in front of you. They hit the brown sap with a splat. Struggling to get out, you realize that you are stuck in the liquid in the upwards dog position.

GREAT! JUST WHAT I NEEDED!

After a few moments of hopeless struggle, you calm down and simply stay still. From within the bushes around you there is some rustling. As if things couldn't get any worse. Turning your head toward the noise, you see something emerge from the bush.

It's Rarity.

She's giving you a stare, a stare that you can't quite make out the emotion behind. "Come out!" she yells.

You don't know what to think. From the other bushes around you, the other ponies emerge.

"What's going on," you say.

"Nothing," says Twilight, trotting towards you. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash fly in front of you, both of them giving you a smirk. Without warning, they grab hold of your t-shirt and pull it as hard as they can. Twilight uses some sort of spell to make the fabric weaker, and it rips right off.

Suddenly another hard-on appears. Now it's orgy time. Stuck in tree sap, doesn't get much kinkier than this.

After your shirt is tossed into the forest, they go for the pants, unzipping and unbuttoning it. You can't help but smiling. Finally, exactly what you came for. Twilight uses that same spell to make the fabric weak, and it is torn off, your legs and arms still stuck in the tree sap.

From your side, you see Rarity levitate a new bucket from the ground. The bucket hovers over your body for a second, and then it tilts over, a liquid splashing all over you. It streams down your face, and as it goes by you taste a drop of it. It's milk.

Just keeps getting kinkier.

Twilight uses her spell again, and off go your boxers. Oh boy.

Another bucket levitates over you, and another liquid splashes onto your back and covers your body along with the milk. This time it's tomato sauce. Wow.

You see Rainbow Dash fly next to your, ahem, stick. She is barely keeping from touching the sap below. You feel something touch your shaft, and assume it's Rainbow Dash. You're not sure what's going on, but you like it. A couple more taps on it and a lot of them wet, and then Rainbow Dash flies away whilst Rarity nods in approval.

You see Applejack trot in front of you with a rope. As if you needed to be tied up.

The end of the rope is frayed. She gallops around you, and you feel something going on around your rear end. You try to turn your head to see what is going on, but it doesn't turn far enough. As you bring your head back to where it was, you see Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy flying in front of you, carrying a bag. They toss the contents of the bag forward, and sure enough it turns out to be eggs. The eggs shatter all over your face.

This is a little too kinky for your taste.

Suddenly you see Twilight's horn light up.

A flash of light engulfs you, and the last words you hear are Twilight yelling,"They'll never believe you!"

You feel a sensation throughout your entire body. Abruptly, you fall from a short height and slam into the ground below. You shake your head.

Completely unaware of your surroundings and still rattled from what just happened, you look at yourself. You're naked, covered in and dripping tomato sauce and milk, a rope tail is coming out of your ass, sticky egg whites cover your face, your hands and feet are covered in tree sap, and you have a boner. Worst of all, your shaft is wearing some sort of dress made out of leaves. So that's why Rarity was nodding.

"All I wanted was to have sex with some ponies!" you scream.

Then it hits you. You're in Times Square. Hundreds of pedestrians are around you, staring, cameras out, videos being taken. Then you remember what Twilight said. You think about how you're probably going to be on every news station, and probably go to jail for public indecency. Worst of all you never got to bang Rarity. It couldn't get worse.

Then you remember you just screamed about wanting to have sex with ponies. It's just been an overall bad day.

You guess what they say is true, sex just doesn't happen in children shows.

*************************************************

Back in Equestria, the ponies laugh all the way back to Twilight's library.

"Humans are so stupid!" exclaims Rainbow Dash.

They continue to laugh as they enter the library. When they get in, they notice something far away in the horizon.

"Shhh, shhh, it's another human," says Twilight. The ponies gather around the window to look.

"Quick, get the milk!"