Dat ASS

by Troll

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Shining Armor, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2182

Just, dat ass.

Dat ass.

Published 2012-10-29 01:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-29 01:20:02 UTC

DAT ASS

"Congratulations, son!" exclaimed the blue stallion, moving forward for an embrace.

"Thanks dad!" responded Shining Armor, accepting the embrace. This was the first time he had been able to speak to his father after the wedding.

"I can't believe it, my son, married," he said, a tear coming to his eye. Shining Armor smiled.

"Yeah, I guess time really flies," he responded. They shared a mutual smile and were silent for a moment. Then Shining Armor's father spoke.

"So, um... Tell me about Cadence, I haven't really had the chance to meet her."

"Oh she's wonderful," started Shining Armor, "She's nice, and funny, and cute, and loves me just as much as I love her. She shares a lot of my interests and we get along really well. I think the marriage is going to work out."

"Yes, that's great, but... ahem... what about her other traits?" Shining Armor's father raised his eyebrows and gave a sly smile.

"What do mean?" asked Shining Armor.

"You know, her ass Shining, what's dat ass like?"

"Father! Cadence is a princess, not a filthy tramp!"

"Come on, son, this is our time, man to man. Now go on, tell me about it."

"No, there is no way I am doing this. Why would I even pay attention to her butt anyway?"

Shining Armor's father was taken aback by this. "What do you mean 'why would I pay attention'? Shining, the key to a great wife, is a great ass."

Shining Armor was beginning to feel uncomfortable. "Look, I really don't want to talk about this."

"Whatever."

Shining Armor waved goodbye to his father and left the room. Nothing was more awkward than a conversation about your wife's ass with your dad.

As Shining Armor walked through the castle, he ran into Twilight, still in her dress.

"Twiliy!" he exclaimed. The two ponies galloped into a hug, holding each other close.

"I can't believe you're married now!" said Twilight.

"I know, it's crazy, the whole thing. This night has been great." Shining Armor stared into her sister's eyes.

"So," she said,"How's Cadence's ass?"

"What is WITH you ponies?" yelled Shining Armor,"Is that all anypony cares about."

"Don't YOU care about it?" asked Twilight.

"No! I just care that Cadence is loving and caring and sweet and beautiful, that's all. Why does the rump matter so much?" Shining Armor could barely get all his words out, he was speaking so fast.

Twilight giggled. "Shining Armor, ass is everything, I thought you knew that."

Shining Armor did not know what to say. Here was his sister, asking him what Cadence's rear was like.

The nearby door flung open, and in the doorway stood their father.

"Shining Armor!" he exclaimed,"I thought about what I said and what you said, and I've come to the conclusion that you didn't want to answer because Cadence doesn't have a nice ass. If this is true, I want you to reconsider the marriage."

Once again, Shining Armor was at a loss for words. Twilight simply nodded her head.

"Yes, Shining, if Cadence's ass isn't nice than you should probably cancel the marriage as quickly as you can."

Shining Armor felt like banging his head against a wall. "This is crazy, what's so important about Cadence's rear end?"

Twilight and her father gasped. "What's so important?" said Twilight, "Shining, the ass is more important than you can imagine. In fact, tonight is the annual Ass Appreciation Festival in Canterlot square. You should come, you'll learn a lot about the importance of ass."

Twilight and her father trotted away, leaving Shining Armor lying on the ground, perplexed as to what exactly was going on. He felt like something had just hit him across the head. Wait, something did hit him across the head, and had knocked him to the ground.

Using one hoof to push himself off the ground and one hoof to rub the spot he was hit, he looked for what could have hit him. It didn't take long to find. In front of him was Princess Celestia's bottom, it had it him square across the face as she turned. He couldn't help but noticing its size.

His snout was just a couple centimeters away from touching it. Celestia's head turned to look at Shining Armor.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I do that?" she said.

"Get that out of my face!" he exclaimed, pulling himself away from Celestia's rear. He quickly galloped away, leaving Celestia standing alone and confused.

As he galloped off, he turned his head to make sure Princess Celestia was far away and not following. That had to be planned.

As he turned his head back forward, he realized he was headed straight for the backside of Princess Luna. He abruptly stopped his gallop, stopping just an inch away from Luna's hindquarters.

"Shining Armor!" she exclaimed, turning to look at him,"Admiring from a bit close, are we not?"

Shining Armor apologized profusely, stumbling to get back on all fours and then galloped off. All around him he could not help but notice the mares' posteriors. They were all around him. Nopony wore clothes.

He tried to close his eyes, but when he did so he just ran into another rump. He could just not keep from looking, it was as if he had some sort of malignant disease. To his despair, each time he passed a mare, they seemed to raise their rear end up toward him, as if they were inviting him to look. He hated it.

Finally, he found an alleyway to run into. Shining Armor stopped galloping, sure that he was far away from any mares that may be inclined to have a behind.

As he trotted forward, he checked every side, making sure nopony was around him. Then he heard music. Curiosity getting the better of him, he followed the sound of the music through the streets. What he found at the end of the trail horrified him. Then he remembered what Twilight had said.

Hundreds upon hundreds of mares were all gathered in this one area, music blaring, all of them circled around something. A banner was hung on a nearby building that said "Ass Appreciation Festival". From within the crowd he could hear Twilight's voice.

"Shining Armor, Shining Armor!" she exclaimed, waving at him. He sighed, there was no turning back now. As he approached the large crowd, he was able to catch a glimpse of the middle. There were asses everywhere, all on display, in some sort of sick, twisted celebration.

Shining Armor joined Twilight in the crowd.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"It's the annual Ass Appreciation Festival, we're trying to see who has the best ass," she responded.

Shining Armor rolled his eyes. He just couldn't understand this whole obsession over asses.

"One second Shining, I'll bet they let you rate one!" shouted Twilight over the music. Before Shining Armor could respond, she was already lost within the sea of ponies.

Five minutes later, the music was turned down to an almost inaudible level, and a pony with electric blue hair walked into the middle of the circle with a microphone. Shining Armor assumed she was the ringleader of the whole thing.

"Ponies of this year's Ass Appreciation Festival, we have a special guest among us. Head of the Royal Guard, newly wed, and hunky stallion Shining Armor is here tonight! I would like to invite him to come on in here. Everypony give him a round of applause!"

The crowd went wild, stomping their hooves with such power that Shining Armor could feel the ground shake. He tried to resist going into the middle with the electric-blue maned pony, but the crowd instantly recognized him and shoved him in. He gave a sheepish smile to the crowd as he trotted toward the ringleader, waving at them in response to all the hollers and applause.

"Alright, Shining Armor, I hear this is your first time, you enjoying yourself?" said the ringleader. The pony put the microphone up to his lips.

"Um, well I guess, but-"

"That's great!" yelled the pony. The crowd let out a round of cheers.

"Alright since its your first time, and its your wedding night, we're going to let you RATE AND APPRECIATE TWO ASSES!!!" she shouted. The crowd exploded into cheers and applause. Shining Armor could barely hear anything. He thought he heard Twilight's voice among the shouts, along with his father's. With a sigh, Shining Armor reluctantly agreed to rate a rear end, considering he'd be hated by the entire crowd if he turned the offer down.

Before he knew it, two mares were already upon him. They were Fluttershy and Rarity. He began to blush as he recognized them, and suddenly wanted to leave.

But it was too late.

"Hello Shining Armor," said Rarity, trotting straight up to him. Fluttershy stood her distance.

"Alright!" yelled the ring leader,"Let's see that ass!"

As if on cue, Rarity and Fluttershy both raised their trunk towards Shining Armor. He looked away at first, unwilling to look at their behinds, but his curiosity got the better of him, and he peeked.

He was mesmerized. Both of their asses were something out of this world, something sensational that Shining Armor could not comprehend. Inside his mind, something snapped. He finally understood. He couldn't help but gawk and lust for these behinds. Everything made sense. For a long minute, Shining Armor simply stood and admired, appreciated, and lusted for Fluttershy and Rarity's asses for a reason he could not describe. He could not contain himself.

With a defined shout, he proclaimed,"Dat ASS!" He raised a hoof and smacked Rarity's ass, signifying her as having the better of the two asses.

"I declare this ass to be supple and awesome!" shouted Shining Armor. A cheer rippled through the crowd. Fluttershy left the center in shame, as Rarity stood to bask in the glory, her ass still in the air, smiling wide.

The crowd began to chant.

"Dat ass, dat ass, dat ass!" they screamed. Shining Armor even joined in on the chant. He understood the importance of the ass.

Shining Armor could not help but stare at Rarity's ass, all the while muttering under his breath, "Dat ASS!"

"The initiation is complete!" exclaimed the ringleader pony. "ASSES FOR EVERYPONY!"

Without warning, all the mares in the audience rushed into the center, and within seconds asses were everywhere. Shining Armor looked all around him, trying to take in the sheer amount of asses that were around him. It was a sea of asses. Shining Armor could not take in all the asses at once, there were just too many.

Asses surrounded him from all angles. He was slowly brought down into the sea of asses.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled, sticking a hoof out of the asses as he sunk.

It was too late. Shining Armor was engulfed by the asses. He tried to look and appreciate each and every one but could not. He was drowning in asses. So many asses to appreciate, he wanted them all. He didn't even blink once.

Finally, the mares dispersed, taking their asses with them. Shining Armor was left on the floor, unable to comprehend the sheer magnitude of the asses he had just witnessed.

The circle formed once again, Shining Armor in the middle.

Pumping his fist into the air with each word, Shining Armor shouted into the night sky, "I... LOVE... ASSES!"

The crowd exploded into cheering and applause once again. By the end of the night, Shining Armor had observed so many asses that he had no trouble telling the nice ones from the bad ones. He could tell the smartasses from the dumbasses and the badasses from the niceasses.

After two hours of unadulterated ass-appreciation, the event was finally over, and the winners were declared. Shining Armor, tired and worn out, trudged lethargically back to the Royal Castle. You could say he half-assed it.

When he finally arrived at the Royal Castle, he trotted up to his bedroom and swung open the door. Standing inside was his wife, Princess Cadence. She was looking for something underneath the bed. Shining Armor smiled, and could not help but look at her ass.

He was petrified. Her ass was not nice at all.

"Um, honey, I don't think this marriage is going to work out."

"Wha- Wait, why?" responded Cadence.

"Ass, Cadence. Dat ass."

Shining Armor stared long and hard at her ass. There was no redeeming it. Reluctantly, he closed his eyes and solemnly shook his head. It was over.

ASS DISAPPROVED.

Cadence began to cry, and then galloped out of the room.

Shining Armor watched her leave. When she was gone, he shouted, "Bring on the asses!"

The room was filled with mares and their asses (and a donkey or two). They were literally all up in Shining Armor's face.

The room was filled with music and chants of the words "dat ass".

The night was ass-tastic.

And thus, Shining Armor learned to never again question the importance of dat ass.