My name is... actually, I can't remember. I've had amnesia for Celestia knows how long. I know this much so far. Apparently, I used to work for NASA. My name is Mike. Mike... what was it? Damnit, I can't remember. My mind is so messed up right now. My whole life has been retold to me by a group of frikin' ponies. Ponies! Of all possible things! Twilight Sparkle, the bookworm/egghead, Applejack, the workhorse, Rainbow Dash, the "most awesome pegasus of any pegasi ever", Fluttershy, the shy one, Rarity, the fashionista, and Pinkie Pie, the pink one with severe hyperactivity problems. She should really get that checked. They call themselves the "mane 6." Pretty fitting name, all things considered. There's two more: Derpy Hooves and Vinyl Scratch, a mailpony and a DJ, respectively. Anyways, here is my story.
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Twi, as her friends call her, told me that I was from a space program called "The Black Hole Initiative, a program to find a better, safer home for humanity, after Earth was plunged into a supermassive storm system, the likes of which your kind (humanity) has never seen before." Words from the bookworm/egghead herself. Apparently, multiple natural disasters happening all at once causes a gigantic chain reaction which sets off every possible and impossible natural disaster known to man. Sounds pretty crazy, right? You don't know the half of it.
Imagine mini-volcanoes coming up through the ground while you're in your house. Now, imagine those mini-volcanoes were 100 miles high and 2 miles across. Sounds like it would suck, right? Now imagine getting hit by monstro-tsunamis and tornadoes and earthquakes, all record-shatteringly monstrous. It was, and, apparently, still is, a frikin' 2012 situation. Most of the civilians on Earth have either been evacuated to Mars or Proxima Centauri. Some people are still on Earth, though. I bet they're having a hell of a time. They call themselves "The Survivors." I believe that to be a bunch of bovine excrement. They won't be "The Survivors" for long if they don't get the crap off of the planet.
My family doesn't even know I'm here. As far as they know, I'm still in space getting to that black hole. I've been here for several months now. I am the first human to set foot in Ponyville and Canterlot. My shuttle landed on a giant statue of something called a draconequus? It cracked, and I heard hysterical laughter before I blacked out. After I woke up, I saw a giant tree. I was being slowly moved towards it. I looked down and saw a purple horn that was glowing. Then I realized I was floating in a giant purple bubble. I poked at it, but nothing happened. That's when I started to freak out.
I finally realized what the bubble was: a force field of some sort. I looked down to see the rest of whatever was attached to the horn. I honestly didn't expect to see a frikin' unicorn smiling up at me, talking so fast I couldn't even begin to comprehend whatever the hell she was saying. I'm pretty sure she had to stop a couple times to catch her breath. Once she did, back to the questions.
"Who are you? What are you? What's that thing you crash-landed in? Can you understand what I'm saying? I've just got so many questions!!!" And then she made the most adorable sound I have ever frikin' heard. "EEEEEHHHHHEHEHE!!! I've got to tell my friends all about you! Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshtheyllbesoexcited!!!"
I couldn't help but smile at the ecstatic feelings the purple unicorn was portraying through her gigantic smile that I'm pretty sure was about the same size as a banana, maybe even bigger.
"Oh, where are my manners? My name is Twilight Sparkle. This is Ponyville. Over there on that mountain, over there?" She pointed with her hoof. "That's Canterlot, where the royal princesses live. Up there, on that cloud. That is Cloudsdale, the city of the pegasi. You see that glow out in the distance, behind those mountains? That is Manehattan," she explained, unaware that I wasn't listening, but instead looking at all the beautiful scenery and at all the ponies who were looking at me with expressions on their faces, varying from amazement to sheer hysteria to terror. I tried to talk to the trail of vibrantly colored equines as they followed Twilight, but, unfortunately, those "bubbles" are like brick walls when it comes to sound transference.
When we finally finished the long trek up the hill to Canterlot, I saw the fancy, pinkie-up ponies talking in heavy British accents. "Hmmm, yes, quite, quite."
"Well," I thought, "I'm pretty sure they'll be too busy to notice me, and that's good, because I don't want them to follow me with their upturned noses." To my surprise, everypony in that general area looked at me and dropped the British accents. I was so surprised that I didn't notice that we were already at Celestia's palace.
Twilight dropped her force field and I fell hard on the floor. I looked up and saw the serene expression on Princess Celestia's face change. I turned around to see Twilight's face contort in horror at her master's apparent disapproval. Twilight's usually happy face fell into despair for fear she might get some form of punishment. Fortunately, Princess Celestia had no such idea going through her head.
Instead, she turned to Twilight and said, "Thank you for bringing him here, Twilight Sparkle. I'm afraid I must ask you and everypony else to leave, so this newcomer and I can speak."
Twilight was disheartened that she couldn't be there to listen to the first contact between human and Equestrian. Not wanting to disobey her teacher's wishes, she simply said, "Yes, Princess." I was surprised to see her turn away so easily, considering she was the first pony to make contact with something so alien as me. But, then again, when your teacher tells you to do something, you'd best frikin' do it. Trust me. I'm speaking from personal experience here.
"What is your name, newcomer?" she asked in her friendliest voice.
"Mike, Your Majesty," I said, bowing as I introduced myself to the most majestic of ponies I had seen all day.
"Mike what?"
"Mike. That's it."
"Okay. What are you, Mike?"
"I am a human."
"A human? I've not heard of them. I'll have Twilight study up on them."
"That's very flattering, Your Majesty. You've barely met me, and you already want to know everything about me."
Suddenly, the doors flung open and a gray pegasus flew right into me. In her saddlebag were a whole bunch of envelopes and magazines. I'm pretty sure her eyes were either knocked loose or born that way, because I'm pretty sure her eyes were...
"Derpy, how many times have I told you to be careful?" Celestia said.
"Sorry, Princess. I just don't know what went wrong. I was delivering this letter to AJ, and then I ended up here. I'm sorry," she said, backing away towards the door. "I'm sorry to you too, mister. I'll just leave, so you guys can ta..." She looked at me in wonder and asked, "Excuse me, mister. What are you?"
"I'm Mike, the first human to set foot in your land. You must be Derpy," I said, in my nicest tone.
"Yep, Derpy Hooves, at your service," she proclaimed. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must finish my appointed rounds. Bye, Princess. Bye, Mike," she said, flying out of the still open doors.
Me and Celestia both waved and said, "Bye."
The doors glowed and were shut. The Princess asked, "So... what do humans eat? In case you haven't noticed, we're all vegetarians. Do humans eat meat?"
Suddenly, a thought came to me. "If they're all vegetarians, that means... NO MORE BACON!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
Either I must have been thinking out loud or she can read minds, because she looked at me with a puzzled look and asked, "What is this bacon you speak of?"
At that moment, I heard a bell chime 12. I hadn't realized it was so late. The moon was full and out. I heard a crash of lightning and saw a black chariot being pulled by two pegasi with frikin' vampire teeth or something. In that chariot was a hooded figure.
I couldn't tell who it was until Celestia commented to herself, "Luna, you really know how to make an entrance."
Of course, at the time, I had no idea who Luna was. I didn't really know who the hell anypony was. I looked down and saw a sun on Celestia's flank. I asked, "What the hell is that sun doing on your ass, Celestia? Has that always been there?"
She looked down at her flank and explained, "Oh, this old thing? It's called a cutie mark. I'll explain it to you later. Right now, we have to deal with my sister."
"Your sister? You mean your sister is the one in that scary-ass chariot?"
"Yes."
A powerful gust of wind thrust the doors open and nearly knocked me over. "WHO IS THIS NEWCOMER, CELESTIA?" she shouted in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
"His name is Mike. We are all in the same room. You don't need to yell," Celestia explained.
"NO! WE MUST USE THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE WHEN DEALING WITH NEWCOMERS! SUCH IS THE TRADITION!"
"And since when have I done things traditionally?"
"HMM. YOU HAVE A POINT, DEAR SISTER. PERHAPS IT IS BEST IF WE... I... TONE IT DOwn a little?"
"That's better. Now, Luna, meet Mike. Mike, meet Luna."
I scrambled to get on my feet after being knocked down by the wind gust that she created. As she looked down to meet my gaze, I noticed that she had a cutie mark on her ass, too, but hers was a moon. I was going to get to the bottom of that, eventually. "Nice to meet you, Princess Luna. I am Mike," I said, in my most respectful tone.
"Welcome, Mike, to Equestria. I am Princess Luna," she said, in a regal manner.
"Luna, do you remember what time our reservation's for?" Celestia asked.
"I believe it is in about 15 minutes, dear sister. Shall I change?"
"Couldn't hurt."
"What reservation? Where would you get reservations in this quaint little town?" I asked Celestia.
"At the club, especially on a night like tonight. We could bring you along, if you like."
"A club? Here? Where in the hell in this tiny little town could you put a club?"
At that moment, Luna came out in her royal garments and said, "Over there."
"Oh," I said. I felt stupid as we walked up to the club. I felt rumbling in the floor and stopped. "Do you guys feel that?"
"Indeed we do. But don't worry. It's a good rumbling," Celestia said as she pushed open the doors. The second I knew what the rumbling was, I smiled broadly. I probably looked insane. There was an alabaster unicorn on the stage with DJ equipment keeping time with her head, nodding in time with the mad shit that was spewing out of her speakers. It was amazing, how low she dropped the bass.
I started headbanging to the beat she was blasting. I'm pretty sure everypony heard me come in, look around, and think, "If that guy enjoys DJ Pon-3's music as much as that, we should, too." I saw everypony smile at me, turn around, and start headbanging like me.
"Mike!" Celestia cried. I hadn't even realized she'd left my side. Her and Luna were sitting on barstools over near a counter, where a stallion was shining glasses and filling them up with beer.
"I didn't know you could get beer here! That's amazing!" I exclaimed, running over towards the bar. "I need a stiff drink to clear my head."
Celestia told the bartender, "Two Hoofekeins, please."
The bartender said, "Eeyup," took two bottles, popped them open, and handed them to us. Which is impressive, because... well, you know.
"All right, everypony! Are you ready for these WUBS OF DESTRUCTION?!?!" the white unicorn asked the crowd.
"WUB-A-DUB DUB, MOTHERFUCKERS!" the crowd shouted back.
After two hours of listening to filthy, filthy dubtrot, DJ Pon-3 finally finished, bowed, and walked offstage.
"Mike, would you like to meet DJ Pon-3?" Celestia asked, inquisitively.
"Me? Meet her? Hell yeah, I'd like to!" I said with obvious enthusiasm. The sisters chuckled at my fanboy-ism. The royal guards at her door moved aside to let the sisters and me in.
"HOLY... Oh, it's just you, Princesses. I thought somebody got past the guards. How you guys doin'? Enjoyed the show, I hope?" she asked, turning around to see them.
"Yes, we enjoyed it. I think you have a new fan," Celestia said, turning to let me into the DJ's line of sight.
"WHOA! What is... I mean, who is that?" she asked, catching herself as not to offend me.
"I'm Mike. Nice to meet you. So you're DJ Pon-3? I guess I'm your newest fan," I said, admiringly.
"Hey, man. I'm Vinyl. Sweet, my newest fan is somepony who hasn't even been here a day. I guess I'm really fuckin' good at the stuff I'm doin', huh?"
"Indeed you are. I'm, uh, actually trying to get into the DJ business myself."
"Cool."
"I was wondering if you could give me a few pointers."
Me and Vinyl were so immersed in talking to one another that we didn't even realize that the princesses had left the room. Then she asked me something I'd never think of asking somebody I just met, "If you need a place to stay tonight, you can crash with me, if you don't have anywhere to go."
"OK," I said, on impulse. What was I doing? I didn't know this pony hardly at all, and I was already agreeing to crash at her place for the night. Oh, well. I've done worse on impulse.
She smiled. "Great! I'm sure Tavi won't mind! She's always up for meeting new people!"
"Who's Tavi?" I asked.
"My marefriend. I hope that doesn't change your opinion of me."
"Oh, no. Not at all. That just makes you hotter." WHAT IN THE HELL DID I JUST SAY?!?! SECONDLY, WHY IN THE HELL DID I SAY IT?!?!
She didn't seem to think me awkward. If anything, she liked the comment. She smiled, again, this time broader than before. "Oh, you flirt. I need dinner and chocolates first," she remarked, winking.
Taken aback, I took the time to make a comeback. "Where's the nearest restaurant?" I asked, chuckling.
Either she thought I was being serious, or she was going along with it, because she told me, "Just a little ways from here."
We went out of her private room when we saw the princesses right outside. "Vinyl, are you treating our new guest right?" Luna asked with concern.
"Yes, Princess Luna. Would you like it if I kicked his ass for you?" Vinyl asked jokingly.
Chuckling, Celestia stepped in and said, "No ass-kicking will be needed, unless he starts messing with my citizens."
"Your Majesties have nothing to fear, then. I shall not fuck with your citizens as long as I am here," I said.
"Well, you two have a great night. Mike, do you have a place to sleep tonight? Because if you don't, I can hook you up."
"No, Your Majesty. He's coming over to my house. It's gonna be so wubtastic!" Vinyl explained, enthusiastically.
"Well, you treat him right, or I will have to punish you, Vinyl," Luna said. "Just kidding. But, seriously, though. Don't rough him up too bad."
"Don't worry, Your Majesty. I won't let her," I said, reassuringly. The two princesses bade their farewells and left, leaving me and Vinyl alone in the club. The room was so dark, I could hardly see anything. But it looked like there were more people there than just me and Vinyl.
"SURPRISE!" a voice said from somewhere close to me. All of a sudden, the lights flashed on and I saw that purple unicorn from before with 6 others behind her. The voice from earlier said to me, "Are you surprised?" Then, this pink pony with really frizzy hair popped up right in front of me.
"WHOA! Holy shit, where'd you come from?" I asked.
"From over there, see?" she pointed to the square right next to Twilight.
Twilight waved to me and said, "Hi, guy... um, I mean, creature... I mean, what's your name?"
"Hey, everybody. My name's Mike. Good to meet you all," I said in my friendliest tone.
"Well, howdy doo, there, Mr. Mike. Name's Applejack. Folks 'round these parts call me AJ," she said as she walked up to me, her coat a nice shade of orange.
That pink pony from before walked- bounced, really- up to me and said, in a really fuckin' energetic tone, "Hey there, Mike. I'm Pinkamena Diane Pie, but everypony calls me Pinkie. Is your name Mike, or is it, like, an abbreviation of your whole name, like mine? Is your name really Michael or something?" she asked, bouncing everywhere.
"Yes, actually. My real name is Michael, but everybody calls me Mike. Just like how your real name is Pinkamena, but everyone calls you Pinkie," I explained, actually very, really surprised at how accurate her intuition was.
Next was a yellow pegasus who seemed really reluctant to meet me. "Hi. My name's Fluttershy," she said, in a small voice.
"Hi, Fluttershy. I'm Mike," I said, crouching down to her eye level. "It's OK. I won't hurt you," I whispered, trying my best to comfort the poor thing.
"Oh, I know. I'm just naturally this shy," she said, smiling and blushing.
Next came a blue pegasus whose mane looked like a rainbow. "Hey there, Mister. Name's Rainbow Dash. Everypony calls me RD," she said, with the utmost confidence.
"Sup, RD? How you doin'?" I asked.
"Good. How you doin'?"
"Can't complain."
Next, there was a white unicorn with a perfectly done-up mane. She said, in an accent not unlike that of which the upper-class ponies in Canterlot talked in, "Why, hello, darling. My name is Rarity, Rarity Belle." She bowed in a most eloquent manner.
I felt like I had an obligation to do the same, so I did, as I introduced myself in my best mock British accent, "Hello to you as well, Miss Rarity. To my family, I am known as Michael. But, as long as I am here, I am Mike."
She slightly giggled at my mock accent. "How long have you had to practice that to get it to sound the way it does?"
"Well, to be honest, I don't," I said, dropping the accent.
I saw a flash of gray and heard a SMACK! I looked over my shoulder to see it was Derpy Hooves, the mailpony I'd met some hours earlier. She had accidentally smacked her face into a wall. She was dazed for about 5 seconds, at which point she shook her head and flew towards me, saying, "HI, MIKE!"
She didn't slow down, and she ran directly into me. Again. I hit my head on the same spot I had earlier. The exact damn spot. The same dull pain coursed through my brain. I was going to feel this in the morning.
"Hey, Mike! How you doing?"
"Good, all things considered. Next time you see me, can you not fly full force at me and knock me over? Please?"
"I'll try," she said, chuckling.
Everybody started laughing, and then we felt the ground rumble. Vinyl was up onstage on her DJ equipment. Nobody expected what would happen next. She started singing. Never had I seen so many jaws plastered to the floor. Obviously, from the looks of things, she didn't sing often. But when she did, it was like her bass drops: awesome, to say the least.
There were two other ponies onstage with her, and they were all doing the same song. One of them was black with red streaks in his mane. He was singing alongside Vinyl. The other one was blue with green streaks in his mane. He was providing the music.
That song must have been to get everypony's attention, because after the song was done, they both walked offstage, but not before waving bye to all of us. Vinyl said, "Sorry, everypony. It's time for this weary traveler to hit the hay, metaphorically."
I almost protested, but a yawn got in my way. "I guess I am pretty tired. It was nice meeting everypony," I said to all of them.
"Bye, Mike. Maybe tomorrow you can help me with something in Sweet Apple Acres?" Applejack asked.
"And then after that, maybe you can help me with my studies?" Twi asked.
"And then after that, you can help me throw a gigantic party for you. It's gonna be huge!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"And then, maybe, after that, you can help me out with the animals? I mean, if that's OK with you. If you can't, I totally understand," Fluttershy squeaked.
"Are you guys kidding me? He's totally going to help me first. He's gonna help me get rid of the clouds for Pinkie's party... somehow," Rainbow Dash said, losing her confidence slightly.
"Rainbow Dash, you can be such a thick-headed pegasus sometimes. He's coming over to the Carousel Boutique to get some new clothes, right?" Rarity asked, fluttering her eyelashes.
Derpy stepped in and said, "I think he should help me deliver the mail sometime."
Vinyl said, "No, he's staying at my place tomorrow so I can give him a few pointers on DJing."
I was screaming on the inside at this point, because it looked like my checklist for, basically, the next few days had been filled up with important events. Time to prioritize. Clothes are important. Animals need caring for. Mail needs to be delivered. Studying is important, as well. Helping a friend out is good. Parties are for after hard work. Preparing for parties needs to come before the actual party. Music is pure reward, in its own right.
"All right. Here's how this is gonna go down. Rarity, I'll go to you first," I explained. She smiled and left. "Fluttershy, I'll go to you next." She made her little squee sound and left. "Derpy, I'll help you next." She smiled, flew into the same wall from before, and left. "Twi, you next." She smiled and left. "AJ, after Twi, I'll help you." She bowed and left. "RD, I'll get to you on that one." She beamed and flew like a fuckin' bullet out the door. "Pinkie, after RD, 'kay?" She smiled broader than I thought she could muster without cracking her face in half like an egg. She bounced right out the door. "And Vinyl, sorry, babe, you'll have to be last."
Vinyl didn't seem to mind. If she did, she hid it well. "Oh, well. Guess I'll have to wait my turn. Come on, we gotta get you home."
A deep, low voice from behind the counter scared the shit out of both of us. "Before you leave, I noticed something. You still haven't figured out what to do for food yet."
It was the bartender. Why the hell was he still here? How did he know I hadn't figured out the food situation? "I'm sorry, who are you?" I asked.
"I'm Big Macintosh. Folks 'round these parts call me Big Mac. I'm also AJ's big brother, so if you do something to her, you'd better expect your ass to get whupped. Do I make myself clear?" he asked, menacingly.
"Crystal, sir."
"Good. Glad we understand each other."
"Well. That was interesting," Vinyl said.
When me and Vinyl finally got to her apartment, there was a gray mare standing in the doorway with a disinterested look on her face. Her cutie mark was a treble clef: the clef I find hardest to read. Not unlike this mare, I was having a hard time reading her feelings. "Who are you supposed to be?" she asked, in a sultry, British-accented tone.
"Pleased to meet you. I am Mike. You must be Tavi. Vinyl's told me so much about you. Her description of your beauty is true: Words can't describe it," I said, flatteringly.
"You know Vinyl? Well, let me tell you something. Vinyl is mine. You can't take her away from me, you got that?"
"Yes, ma'am. I'm just here. because Vinyl said I could crash for the night. She said she'd hoped you'd be OK with it. Besides, I totally respect you and Vinyl being together. I wouldn't have it any other way."
Her hard-ass personality lightened a little at that. "Well, if that's all you came for, why didn't you say so? Come on in. Over on your right is the kitchen."
I saw a little room with a fridge, stove, and microwave. "Cute," I mumbled.
"Over here is the couch. Unless Vinyl has a pull-out bed stashed anywhere, I guess this is where you'll stay tonight."
"I think there might be one in the storage room for you, Mike. Give me a second," Vinyl said, disappearing behind a corner and coming back with a mattress in her magic. It flopped to the floor, and she asked, "This OK?"
"Yeah, I think it'll work. Mind if I raid your fridge?" I asked.
"Go ahead. You should tame that beast in your stomach."
I chuckled at the comment. I looked at the contents of the fridge in dismay. There were grass-and-daffodil sandwiches in little plastic bags. The only thing that looked remotely edible were milkshakes. "What's in this, if you don't mind me asking?" I asked, holding the milkshake above my head.
"Oh, you don't want that. It's been in there forever. It's gonna be nasty," Vinyl said, knocking it into the trash can I hadn't even seen.
"Try one of the sandwiches. You might like them. Your people like sandwiches, right?" Tavi asked.
"We love sandwiches, but I've never had a daffodil or grass before. This should be interesting," I said, unwrapping the plastic from one of the sandwiches. Here goes. I took a bite, and... it was fuckin' AMAZING! Why didn't anyone tell me grass and daffodils stuffed in between two pieces of bread was this good?
Vinyl and Tavi laughed at my wondrous expression. "It's that good, huh?" Vinyl asked.
"HELL YEAH!" I said, spewing crumbs everywhere in the process. "Sorry."
"You're cleaning it up. You know that, right?"
"Yeah, yeah. Where's your broom and dustpan?"
"Over in that closet," Tavi said, pointing with her hoof.
I looked at my watch. 2:00 a.m. Oh, shit. I should get to bed. I gotta lotta stuff to do in the next few days. "I'm really tired. I should get to bed before I pass out."
"Yeah, that's not a bad idea right about now. Good night, Mike. Good night, Vinyl," Tavi said, as she trotted towards her and Vinyl's room.
"Night, Tavi," me and Vinyl said in unison.
"Well, I'm gonna go to bed, too. Night, Mike," Vinyl said, turning and trotting towards her lover.
That bed looked really comfy right about now. Almost the moment my head hit that pillow, I fell asleep. The only reason I woke up was because I was cold and went to go get a blanket.
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A/N: This is not the end. Mike helping the mane 6, Derpy, and Vinyl will be separate stories. See you there!
