Three Pony Story

by Mushious

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Romance, Princess Luna, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Big Macintosh
Length: 2746

Bright, intellectual and moving. This tale is none of those things.

From the producers critically acclaimed hit: Deargodwhygodmakeitstop comes an epic adventure.

Written in the early hours of the morning while heavily under the influence of various substances, waiting for Luna Eclipsed to air, Three Pony Story is a happy tale about the ponies of Ponyville as they go about their daily business. Hijinks ensue. As seen on Equestria Daily.

Published 2012-10-29 18:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-29 18:00:02 UTC

Serious Business

Three Pony Story
By Sparky Luck
With help from ThisNameIsNotProfane

Who’s a silly pony? You’re a silly pony. Who is? You is, Applejack.

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, Berry Punch was making a routine stop by Sugarcube Corner. In somewhat of a hurry, she rushed inside to pick up what she had ordered the day before; supplies for her annual ‘Get Colgate Drunk’ party. Her friend Pinkie Pie, always happy to help, greeted her.

“Hey Berry! I’m so super duper excited for the party tonight, got all your stuff riiiiiiight here,” she chirped, popping out from nowhere in particular. Berry, still woozy from her ‘party’ the previous night, belched in reply.

“Sh...Thanks Pin... hic... Pinkie, you’re still... *URP*... coming tonight right?” She mumbled boorishly, swaying absently as she approached the counter.

“Of course, you silly dilly willy! I wouldn’t miss it for anything!”

Without even giving her recognition, Berry picked up her ‘supplies’ and stumbled to the door, tripping on her own hooves as she left. Pinkie followed her out with her eyes, giving her a quizzical once-over. Outside, she looked down, grimacing at the sun which glared down, mercilessly from above.

“Berry!” Colgate called out, “You ARE the father!”

“What is this? I don’t even!” Berry exclaimed, twirling around to see Colgate standing, dangerously close to Berry’s hind-quarters. “You weren’t supposed to say that until AFTER Twilight showed up!”

Before Colgate could reply, there was a bright flash from behind her, before she could open her mouth to complain, Princess Celestia appeared, winked at Berry and snuck up on Colgate,

“Oh-hohoho... You have been a very, very naughty filly,” she whispered into the unaware pony’s ear. “And you need to be punished.”

The blood ran from Colgate’s face but, before she could bolt, another voice called out.

“Princess Celestia! How good to see you!” Twilight Sparkle ran up to the trio, grinning.

At the mention of the princess’s presence, Mayor Mare appeared out from behind a building.

“Oh... Oh my,” Mayor Mare exclaimed, cantering over to the princess, “Princess Celestia, it is an honor to have you in our town, I just wish you had given us some warning! The town is hardly prepared for a royal visit.”

“Oh Mayor, you are positively adorable! You need not put a celebration on every time I come to visit. I was just coming to wish our friend here, Berry Punch luck with the party tonight and to let her know I am sending Luna along to join in with the fun, she’s been locked up inside the palace library so long, I doubt she even knows what fun is anymore!” Celestia said cheerfully, composure returning as she faced the Mayor.

Suddenly snapping to attention, Berry turned to the princess and saluted, “You can, hic... count on me Princessh...”

Celestia turned to Twilight and wiggled her rump in Berry’s direction, much to the embarrassment of Mayor Mare who was standing right next to Berry, “Now, shall we go talk about your studies, my faithful student? I can’t wait to hear about your latest lesson in friendship.”

As they trotted off, Colgate and Berry shared a confused glance before heading home in relative silence.

* * *

“Paaaarty! Party! Paaaaarrrrttyyy!” Pinkie squealed, much to the annoyance of Rainbow Dash.

“Yes Pinkie, I get the point. There’s a party, you’re excited and I’m late for work...” Rainbow sighed, looking over a weather chart.

“Silly, you’re allllways late for work!” Pinkie Pie chortled, rummaging through Rainbow Dash’s personal affects.

“Gee thanks for pointing that out, now would you quit it? I’ve got... Woah, hey now. Put that back, if anypony saw I had one of those, I’d be ruined!” Rainbow raced over to Pinkie and closed the draws, nearly trapping the pink party pony’s hooves in the process.

“Ooh, whats this do?” Pinkie asked, picking up the item she dropped when Dash interrupted her exploration.

“That... Uh... Well... You see...” Dash stammered, blushing.

“Ooh it has buttons!” Pinkie exclaimed cheerfully, pushing the big red button on the side.

The cake mixer whirred to life, the beater rotating swiftly round and round in the bowl.

“Dashie! I didn’t know you liked to bake!”

“Well you see Pinkie... The thing is...” Dash mumbled, “Oh who am I kidding, I was going to give that to you on your birthday, I guess you can have it now since you found it.”

“For me? Aw Dashie, you shouldn’t have!” She jumped her friend, almost falling through the cloudy floor, knocking a long box out from under Rainbow Dash’s bed.

“More presents? Who’s it for Dashie? Twilight? Fluttershy? Applejack?” Pinkie chirped, head turning inquisitively as she picked up the box, slightly longer than her foreleg.

“Uh... Actually, that one’s for Rarity.” Dash admitted.

“Soooooooo... What’s inside?” She asked.

“If I tell you, can I get back working on my charts? The head weather pony will have my neck if I don’t finish them on time,” Dash complained, “I wont be able to practice my tricks for weeks!”

“Okie doki loki!”

“Well alright... It’s,” Dash took a breath, “... full of springy snakes.”

Pinkie fell to the cloudy floor, laughing like a mad pony, “Rainbow Dash, you’re so random!”

* * *

“...And that’s when you showed up Princess. I’m really sorry about what happened, I was so scared you’d abandon me I had to think of something...” Twilight blurted out.

“Oh Twilight, I forgive you. Just be more mindful of the spells you cast, you are far more talented and powerful than you reali--” Celestia was interrupted by a sudden, sharp loud knock at the door.

“Sorry Princess, I’ll just see who this is and we can get back to talking.” Twilight said, walking over to and opening the door.

“Twi, ahm’ sorry to interrupt but, Ah’ found mah brother with this,” Applejack gestured to the rag doll sitting on the doorstep, “He wont tell me where he got it, can’t think why he’d want it either, no offence.”

“Hmmm... That’s the third time this week I’ve got Smarty Pants back from Big Macintosh. Thanks AJ, you’re a good friend.” Twilight said, picking up the rag doll with her magic and waving to her friend, who turned around to leave.

“Y’all might want to keep a better eye on it from now on, Ah’ve no idea what he gets up to with it but it can’t be healthy.” Applejack called back, walking off to town.

Turning back to Princess Celestia, closing the door behind her and laying the rag doll down on a table, ‘to be washed’, she thought to herself, she smiled. “Well then, where were we Princess?”

Celestia dimmed the lights ever so slightly and smiled back at Twilight with a glimmer of mischief in her eye, “How about we change the subject a little... something a bit more, mature?” She murmured, her voice barely a whisper.

“Oh Princess I... I... don’t know what you mean,” she stammered, blushing brightly.

The princess chuckled, “Twilight Sparkle, I insist you stop blushing right this minute!” She threw a pillow playfully in Twilight’s direction. “You put my Sun to shame!”

“Now,” she shuffled forwards, face resting on her hooves, grin larger than a happy parasprite’s. “Tell me all about it, I want to hear everything. Every. Little. Secret.”

Still blushing, Twilight sat down, “I... I don’t think I should Princess... that’s a little personal...”

“Oh nonsense! Nopony will mind, I promise not to tell the tabloids.” Celestia giggled. “Now... tell me everything.”

“Well, if you insist,” she sighed, “Big Macintosh has been taking my Smarty Pants quite a lot recently, I think he might be a... colt cuddler. I don’t know what to think anymore.”

“Mmm yes, more... please!” Celestia sighed, half moaning as the words came out of her mouth.

Twilight couldn’t help but give the princess an awkward glance, “Um... Rarity had another coltfriend over for lunch yesterday?”

“And what did they do together? Hmmm?” Celestia inched closer.

“Well... they went inside the Boutique and we didn’t hear from them for hou--”

“SNAKES!!!!! EEEEEEEK!” Rarity burst through the door, causing Celestia and Twilight to jump in surprise.

“Rarity, what on earth... oh my,” Twilight gasped when she looked up. Rarity was running around the room screeching, rubber springy snakes strewn through her mane.

“Get them off, get them off, get them off!” she squealed. “Twilight! You’ve got to help me! Pleeaaaseeee!”

Celestia leaned over and whispered in Twilight’s ear, “Does she always whine like this?”

“Well I never Princess! Whining? I am not whining. I am complaining. That retched blue pegasus Rainbow Dash pulled this awful trick on me, minutes before I was to set off to meet the most dashing stallion I’ve ever laid eyes on.” Rarity frowned, “She must be punished. She must!”

Princess Celestia grinned in Twilight’s direction, who responded with a raised eyebrow, “Well Miss Rarity, I hear the moon is lovely this time of year.”

Instantly, the colour drained from Rarity’s face, “Oh my Princess, you wouldn’t... you couldn’t do that! It’s was a harmless prank, I insist! She attempted to laugh, as if trying to convince herself.

“Oh well, if you are absolutely sure...” Celestia sighed, feigning disappointment, pointing her horn at Rarity, causing the mare to jump in fright.

“At least allow me to do this,” she said and cast her magic, gently picking the mare off the ground causing her to cry out in surprise. “Oh relax my little pony... I am only trying to help.” Holding Rarity firmly in the air, she lifted the snakes from the mare’s mane, one by one until she was free of the silicone serpents, before setting her back on the ground.

“Oh my word, Princess! Thank you!” She exclaimed before rushing over to the princess. “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Think nothing of it, now, do you not have a certain stallion to meet?” Celestia said kindly. Rarity, realizing the princess was right, ran from the library, chanting a string of ‘thank you’s as she ran.

* * *

The sun was pressing hard down over Sweet Apple Acres as Big Macintosh worked the orchard, trimming dead branches and planting fresh saplings. All the while, being watched by three pairs of beady eyes. All at once, much to his surprise, three fillies, clad in capes, burst from the underbrush and shouted as loud as they could,

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADER HICCUP SCARER AWAYERS!”

Big Macintosh leap into the air, tipping the cart at the same time, scattering trimmings all over the path. Sighing, he started going about, picking them up.

“Girls, ah thought ah told you not to sneak up on me. An’ ah don’t have the hiccups.”

“SUCCESS!” They cheered.

“And ah never had the hiccups,” he continued. They let out of cry of dismay.

“Aww, ah guess we aren’t hiccup scarer awayers then...” Applebloom sighed, checking her flank for any sign of change. “Well, what next?”

“Oooh! I know!” Sweetie Bell piped up, “my sister Rarity has these long rubbery things stashed in the back of her dresser, kinda like swords! Lets go try them out!”

“YEAH! CUTIE MARK CRUSADER PIRATES, YAY!” They cheered, before running away. Big Macintosh just stood and stared, pure disbelief written across his face. His sprig of wheat falling to the ground below.

Nearly an hour later, Fluttershy happened across Big Macintosh, standing rock solid in the middle of the path.

“Oh my... Um... Hello Big Macintosh,” she murmured, instantly snapping him from his stupor.

“Why hullo there Miss Fluttershy,” he greeted her. Nodding in her direction, “What might yah be doing out here on a day like today?”

“Oh um... I was just bringing Applejack some supplies she asked for, for tonight’s party.” She said, gesturing to the basket on her back. “The whole town’s excited, even Angel wants to go.”

“Ah miss, who’s Angel?” Big Macintosh asked, genuinely interested.

“Oh he’s my best friend,” she said, perking up at the sudden interest.
“Ah can’t say I know her sorry miss. I’d love to meet her though,” he said, with a slight sparkle in his eye.

“Oh um well... You see, Angel is actually a he. He’s my bunny.” Fluttershy corrected him.

“Oh... Ah see.” Big Macintosh sighed, crestfallen. “Ah still wouldn’ mind meeting him, if yall don’t mind.”

“Oh certainly!” Fluttershy, almost bursting with delight. “Will you be at the party too?” She asked, blushing slightly.

“Eeyup.” He confirmed, pulling a new sprig of wheat from his saddlebag. “Ah hope Ah’ll see y’all there miss.”

“Oh most definitely.” She mumbled, blushing even more. “I should get going, Applejack will be waiting for me, see you tonight Big Macintosh.”

She turned away from him and walked towards the farmhouse, He stood and watched her leave, admiring the view before turning back to his work, picking up after his sister and her friends.

* * *

“Woo! Hic... DJ! Play that beat! Yeah!”

Berry Punch made her way over to the liquor stand where a few ponies congregated.

“Berrrrrrryyyyyy... hic!” Colgate wobbled her way over to where Berry Punch was chugging back a bottle of vodka. At the sight of Colgate, she choked on her drink in disbelief. Instantly sobering up as much as possible.

“Col... hic... gate? Woah you’re toasted! My life is... hic... Complete!” She grinned and handed Colgate another bottle. “Here’s to another great night!”

“DJ!” Berry shouted over the music, “mission accomplished! Victory music please... hic!”

Vinyl Scratch, unaware of Berry’s demands, suddenly began dodging volley after volley of empty bottles, while maintaining a steady beat.

“Hic... We need more ammo!” Berry shouted over the noise to Colgate. “Bring out the keg!”

Moments later, a metal cylinder rocketed over their heads, encased in a shroud of blue energy, heading straight for the DJ who promptly ducked under her turntable, the keg exploding against the wall behind her.

“CITIZENS OF PONYVILLE! WE HAVE GRACED YOUR PARTY WITH OUR PRESENCE, SO THAT YOU MIGHT BEHOLD THE REAL PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT!” A voice boomed over the music.

In the middle of the room rested an unhitched, golden, Gothic styled chariot. On top stood a tall, dark, hooded figure. Stepping down from the raised platform, she magically threw her cloak to the side.

“LET US PARTY LIKE IT WAS NEIGHTEEN EIGHTY-NEIGH!” She declared to the now
cowering ponies. Realizing the fear she had created she quickly apologized, “Oh... We are sorry, let the party continue!”

Oblivious to Luna’s arrival, Berry punch sat down. “Woah Colgate, did you see that? Flying keg! A flying keg, Colgate!” She was dumbstruck, insurmountable amounts of awe thick in her voice, “do it again!”

Checking the coast was clear, Vinyl popped up and put a new record on. The room flooded with a remix of Prance (feat. Discord) - Purple Rain. The crowd cheering at the solid bass-line and began dancing.

Berry sighed, her party was running flawlessly, ponies were having fun, Colgate was intoxicated beyond measure and Princess Luna was rocking out to the music, leaving her chariot of kegs unattended.

“Sooo...” A voice mumbled in her ear, she turned around, muzzle to muzzle with Colgate. “Wanna... head upstairs with me...?” A rich blush simultaneously washed across their faces.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Berry replied with a grin, stealing a kiss before running off, Colgate hot in pursuit.

* * *

Luna’s night had gone surprisingly well. The ponies at the party had no trouble talking with her, after a few bottles of liquid pleasure and she’d hit it off with several strange colts. ‘Celesita would have a field-day if she saw this’ she thought.

Sunlight leaked in through a gap in the curtain of the room, straight onto Luna’s face. Groaning, she opened her eyes and looked around. She was lying on an unfamiliar bed, wedged between two sleeping mares, legs awkwardly intertwined.

“Ugh...” She moaned, wandering out of the room leaving the mares to sleep in peace, “that was some night.”

FIN

Author's Note

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to Hasbro

Big thanks to the lone prereader that survived reading, you’re a legend.

WARNING! This fan-fiction is ridiculously stupid. Side effects include but are not limited to; seizures, comas and hemorrhagic stroke. Some sexual side effects may occur, followed by others. If people experience headaches in your presence, or if dogs bark disproportionately, contact your doctor immediately.

Oh wait...