I’m guilty.
It’s true, and it’s hardly befitting the way a Princess of Equestria should feel. After all, my only sister is finally back. I should be happy. Overjoyed, even. But the truth is, as much as I love her, I was secretly happy when I sent her to the moon. And that makes me a bad sister.
I’m jealous.
Over a thousand years ago, Luna and I made a pact to protect Equestria together. The mare whose coat was as dark as the night would rule the moon. The mare whose coat was as bright as the day would rule the sun. We shared our rule not in terms of territory, but in terms of time. We have equal power as co-rulers, even though she was the younger. Even though I was the wiser.
As the bright, lively avatar of the day, they sang praises of me. It was an amazing feeling at first. My portrait was displayed in every home. Newborn foals were named after me. Many unicorn fillies wanted to be just like me when they grew up. My little ponies - they adored me, appreciated me. They made festivals celebrating the alicorn sisters and their victory. The Summer Sun Celebration was created in honor of the great deeds I had done. They came far and wide to pay their respects to me and watched as I raised the life giving sun. As the light kissed their faces, their hearts melted at the sight of their pink-maned rescuer soaring through the blue sky, her white coat glistening in the sun. They loved me so much, they tried their best to spend as much time as they could with me. Luna and I were travelling heroes, soon hailed to become rulers. After we moved into the castle and started a new government, they still came from all corners of Equestria, begging for an audience. My audience. Every little problem was mine to solve. Every engagement simply had to have my presence. Over time, the repetitiveness wore me out and I became tired of it all. But still they adored me and fawned over me. What they didn’t realise, was that they were suffocating me.
They wouldn’t leave me alone.
They. Wouldn't. Leave. Me. ALONE.
Luna was the mysterious mare of the night. Only the most stoic of guards could stand before her and not quiver. Ponies spoke in whispers of awe of her. She was held in the highest esteem. Yet she could excuse herself from royal engagements and not cause an outcry. She could sit silently in her observatorium, rearranging the stars and listening to the silent wishes of ponies who dared to place their dreams on her stars.
She never had to reply to those wishes if she didn’t want to. She didn’t have deadlines. She didn’t have to be responsible. She had all the peace and quiet she could ever want.
She never appreciated it.
Over the years as we did our shifts, we found ourselves growing distant as the circumstances pulled us apart. I was an outgoing, benevolent ruler. Luna was stoic, stern and very formal. She was a fine lady and had more suitors than I did. At least more serious than the ones I had. Perhaps she never realised it, because she turned so many away. None of them were shallow, gaudy peacocks parading for her. None of them persisted in annoying her with loud, insincere declarations of love. None of them dared to objectify her as a prize in a competition that nopony had organised to begin with. For Luna’s suitors just slipped away in the day, silent and heartbroken. Despite the large number of failures, suitors still came for her hoof in marriage. There was something in her that appealed to them, and caused them to treat her more delicately than what I was accorded.
I wasn’t loved the way she was.
It took many years before I realised why. For what else makes a mare, but mystery? Everypony knows that the thrill of obtaining a mare’s heart comes from the chase. She was hard to read, hard to catch, and required gentle administrations to peel away the hard layers protecting her heart. My life was dissected and laid out for public viewing by gossip-mongers and needy nobles. It made me realise that I was plain, almost common, compared to her. Poets would wax lyrical about her ebony coat and deep blue eyes. They would admire her blue mane from afar and whisper praises for her dainty stature. And in the same stanza, they would grapple with the meaning of every shift in her posture, and delve into the depths that lay behind those watchful eyes. I was large, pink and white - brightly coloured like a foal’s toy. My cotton candy mane cursed me to be treated frivolously. My cheerful manner warmed the hearts of everypony. The love I received was superficial, and felt almost trite. Her beauty, her mysteriousness - they overshadowed my being, casting my brightness into the abyss.
So I tried harder.
I turned the most beautiful things in the world for inspiration: the bright blue sky of the day, the spring green colour of life, the deep purples of the setting sun. And reluctantly I added the pink that was given to me from birth, so that my subjects would still recognise me. I weaved the colours into my mane and watched as it became reminiscent of a rainbow. I would outshine the darkness of my sister’s mysteriousness. I would be beautiful in my own way. I received praise. I received love. I received attention. And for awhile, it felt like the kind of sincere devotion I once felt when I had first become Equestria’s avatar of hope.
I thought I finally had the attention I wanted.
But I learnt that too much of a good thing was not a good thing at all.
But for all the attention I got, Luna didn’t receive any lesser. However, comparisons lead to fallacies, when combined with emotions. Luna began to anger at her perceived lack of attention. She wanted, no, craved more. She clamoured for everything I had, and wanted give up everything I never did. So she cried out for more love. She lashed out in hopes of being adored. She plucked the stars out of the sky to weave into her mane, leaving many seafaring ponies wondering where their northern guide had gone. She tried to appear in court more often, but her awkwardness shattered their image of a prim and proper mare. Comparisons were made, and in her bid to outdo me, she merely tired herself out and could not carry out her royal duties of the night properly. Her every action harmed herself and our little ponies. Standing by me, my sister became sorely lacking in the qualities of a ruler. I had more love and attention than ever.
Now I could never break away from anypony’s gaze. My name could never stop flowing from everypony’s lips. The attention... was overwhelming! Dizzying even.
....
Help?
But I didn’t want want that attention anymore. During the last decades, I had merely fooled myself into think I was getting what I wanted. I discovered everything had become superficial once more, and that nopony would ever love me the way I wanted to be loved – for being myself, not just the-one-who-rises-the-sun. I didn’t want to be loved in this false, clingy manner my subjects had adopted. I would rather not be loved at all. The irony of my sister’s foalish whining resonated deeply within me. If it hadn’t been so tragic, it would almost be funny. Soon, she concluded that the only way to be loved, was to force every pony to appreciate the effort she put into making the night for them.
I was this close to giving it all up to her. All she had to do was ask.
But my subjects pleaded for mercy from the darkness of the night. Without sunshine, they could not play. They could not travel to see me. They could not suffocate me with their presence.
It was a tempting offer.
...
But it was wrong to take it.
They called it the “Five Days of Despair” The chronicles will tell you that I played cat and mouse with my sister and moved heaven and earth to obtain the Elements of Harmony during those five days. It only took me two. For three days, I drank in the solitude I had craved, and awoke each morning to still silence. For 3 days, I had bliss.
Unadulterated bliss.
So I banished her. I loved her for giving me that three days, and the many more that would follow. I would fill in her shoes, to be the avatar of both day and night. I would be a solitary goddess, to be taken seriously. Nopony would dare demand for my attention to all matters, for my presence would be far too imposing. My sister’s mistake would strike fear into my subjects' hearts for me. My timely rescue and heroic sacrifice would earn their adoration, but this time they would adore me from afar. I would be loved, yet given my own space. I would finally have the life that Luna enjoyed.
My tears sprung from joy. And that makes me a bad sister.
And then I hated her for not doing it the easy way. For not asking. And for taking my chance at peace and quiet for the next thousand years away from me. And when I cried again, it wasn’t from the pain of sacrificing my sister. It was from the realisation that I would lose myself further in this cycle of claustrophobic neediness from my subjects for the next thousand years. I lost more than a sister. I lost myself that day.
I’m lonely.
And I think I deserve it.
....
The years without Luna has been harsh. I now do her duties in addition to mine. Now I have to stay up at night to raise the moon, and listen to the wishes of ponies whisper in my ears as I arrange the stars on the tapestry of the night sky. In the day, the couriers still hunt for me with their parchments and quills. My little ponies come to court to plead for aid, justice or for attention. The nobles puff up their chests and try to impress me. Years come and go, and it still remains the same. The stoic, but silent companionship of my sister is sorely missed. So many voices, so many ponies.
It almost hurts to listen.
I love my sister. I need my sister. The years pass by like a blur. There is no rest from the ponies of whom I govern over. There is no relief from duties, and there is nopony else who could raise the sun and moon in my stead if I was weary. Being on the moon would be like a vacation for me right now. Every moment of silence and solitude there would be like a drop of sparkling waters from an oasis, quenching my thirst for peace.
I’m jealous.
....
I think I miss you.
I’m standing here in the outskirts of a new town that’s being built. There’s a gravel road here, and every step I take makes a grinding sound that hurts my ears. There’s the sound of crickets chirping, but once the apple farmers attract more settlers, this tranquil place will be filled with the sound of soft snores. I’m staring at the moon, wondering whether my idea to put ponies in this plot of land was such a good idea after all. There is a reason why it has been vacant for so long. That reason is you. For it is here that the moon shines brightest, over the clearing that sits beside Everfree Forest. Our old castle is somewhere in the depths of the foliage, and never have I looked back from my move to New Canterlot. Being up on the side of the mountain means that it is more tiring for my little ponies to reach me, to call on me, to perpetually flow around me and engulf me with their presence. The lights in my new city drown out the night, leaving the stars and the moon dimly lit the dark voidless sky. But here, in this little town, with the sky untouched by light pollution, one can see the “Mare in The Moon”, as many subjects have taken to calling the image formed in the satellite’s craters. I know it is you, sister. Even on the moon, you still want attention. Even though it has been centuries and nopony remembers that there were two, and not just one ruler. You want my astrologers to wonder if there is life on the moon. You want to come back and be that mystery mare again,with everypony to adore you. At the same time, you enjoy watching me suffer as I drown drown in my royal duties.
But think about it, sister, have I not done you a favour?
Have I not saved you from your irrational want for attention?
Have I not given you a most precious gift - the delicate, virgin silence of space, untouched and unfouled by nopony?
Have I not saved you from the dreary life on this- this miserable plane of existence, with beings that come and go without any meaning?
Isn’t it better to stay detached from life, as I have helped you accomplish?
You should thank me sister.
THANK. ME.
I turn to go. Moonlight casts down on my white form, outlining it faintly in the dark. I turn my head back, and eye the moon one more time. For a second, I remember our foalhood and how much we loved each other. Once our curse – or gift, if that’s how you see it – was thrust upon us, we grew so far apart. What went wrong sister? My mane droops a little, and so does my tail. I let the colour run out of my hair, so that I can be just your older sister again. Before I became the Sun-Riser, I was just a little pink and white pony, following my courageous younger sister into an adventure that would change our lives forever. If we had known what would happen, would we have rushed into battle? Could we not have simply grown used to cotton candy clouds (which you would tease me about its resemblance to my mane and tail) and chocolate rain, and lived our lives out like mortal ponies?
It was all your fault.
This time I turn to leave, and even though I am sorely tempted to, I don’t look back.
....
She’s.... AMAZING.
Even though I’ve known her for so long, she still amazes me. That sparkle in her eye that she gets when she’s excited, the way her dark tail swishes about when she’s thinking, the sheer potential contained in her mind - I am simply enthralled. How can this young filly be so amazing?
Her name is Twilight Sparkle, and she is the most talented filly I have ever met. Her passion for the studies blazes strongly, and her capacity for learning is most pleasing to all the tutors in my School for Gifted Unicorns. When she had exhausted all the knowledge the tutors had to give, I took her under my wing. Everyday I teach her something new, and everyday, without fail, she has the most eager look in her eyes. Being able to watch such raw talent nurture is a wonderful task. We have grown close in our sessions. Although she is in awe of me, she still holds great empathy and love for a being so similar, yet unlike herself. Her little heart loves me with sincerity, but she never steps over the line, and accords me the respect my title demands. But what Twilight doesn’t know is that she’s not the only student in our private classroom. I am learning too. I am learning the joys of living, the joys of friendship! Her most amazing feat wasn’t her ability to transmogrify living creatures, nor was it being able to hatch a dormant dragon egg. It was her ability to make me truely smile once more.
After all these years, I finally have somepony who understands me, and whom I can speak my mind to. She adores me, and craves my company for the joy and not prestige, that it brings.
I don’t need any of you anymore.
But yet....
Yet....
I can’t spend all my waking moments with her.
My duties as a Princess tires me out. I don’t want to sit in this dull throne room, listening to one petition after another. I don’t want to attend tea parties with nobles that I couldn't care less about. I don’t want to wave at ponies I don’t know while being pulled in a golden chariot, when I could just walk by myself. I hate being away from my faithful student. I can only spend one golden hour with her every day.But each d ay my responsibilities eat away from my time with her. I can’t be her beloved tutor, if I can’t tutor her at all.
I have resigned to the eventuality that I would have to let another pony take over her tutoring for me until her power levels merit me teaching her personally. But to pick another pony to spend time with her fills me with with this distasteful emotion that makes my head spin..
Not unlike the of emotion I have when I think of you relaxing on the moon while I trudge through my duties everyday.
I have considered the candidates carefully, and the most prominent choice is Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. A bright teenage filly who is the representation of love itself will give Twilight a nurturing presence to seek comfort in. Her being an alicorn is most fortunate, for every moment that Cadenza spends with Twilight, she will be reminded of me.
Twilight must be surrounded by reminders of myself. I don’t want her to forget me the way our little ponies have forgotten about you.
I get up and ready a letter to summon Cadenza. There is much for her to be briefed on, and very little time to do so.
....
The stones spoke to me.
The very Elements of Harmony that I used to banish you to your rocky paradise spoke to me last night. They tell of a unicorn mare of great power who will venture out into the world to find five other souls, and that the interconnectedness of all six will leave them bound to eternity to protect and serve all that is right. Their hearts will beat as one, singing the chorus of friendship together.
My heart skipped a beat as I suppressed a scream.
If I understand this correctly, Twilight Sparkle is the chosen one. She is meant to bring about harmony throughout the lands with her friends. She may not be a mare yet, but when she is grown, she will want to see the world, and meet those friends. And when she does, she won’t come back to me. Ever.
I don’t want to let her go. I have to find the others first. I have to make sure that the ones that Twilight will choose over me are worthy of wielding such a great power. Cadenza will do just fine in this quest. She is dutiful to the crown, and is talented in magic of love, a skill she will need when looking Twilight’s Heartbound. In addition, her Trueheart is Twilight’s brother, Shining Armor. There is no way she will betray her Princess and the clan she will eventually join, even if she doesn’t know it yet. Her duties as the royal foalsitter will have to be put aside. I can trust nopony else, except her, for I believe her love for Twilight is second to none other than I. It is about time that Twilight’s dragon familiar is returned to her as well. It will distract her from her loss of Cadenza. Monitoring the dragon will give me a good excuse to monitor Twilight as well. I need to spend as much time with her as I can. Who knows how much longer I have left with her...
I can’t lose her. It would be too much to bear.
...
Everything is falling apart.
I can feel it. I should have already claimed the fruits of my labor, but the accursed flower hasn’t bloomed yet. But time and tide awaits nopony, and the thousand year mark has arrived. I can feel your energies pulsing wildly, forcing your way through the many cracks in my spells. To make things worse, Twilight has found out about you! The time is nigh, and I can no longer keep my student to myself. She needs to go out and become friends with those ponies. Those ponies who aren’t me. I need to let her go, but I can’t look her in the eye to tell her why. I withhold as much information as I can before sending her off with a cold letter and a painful heart. Deep down inside, I know that I should have let go of her sooner. The uncertainty of Equestria’s future lies like a pit in my stomach - all because of my selfishness. I tempted her with the promise of knowledge and never once persuaded her to have a life outside her books. Can we really rely on my faithful student to unlock a magic I have never taught - nay - refused to teach her?
If it all falls apart, it will be my fault. But if you hadn’t committed such a selfish deed, would all these preparations be necessary? You were greedy, and wanted more than you should ever have tried to gain. How could you do this to me? To us? To all of Eques-
I realised that all these questions would not be running in my head if I had left Twilight go sooner. If I hadn’t been as selfish and as greedy as you for affection. This is as much my fault as yours. The burden weighs of both our shoulders. All that remains in one of us to fall aside, broken, and watch in her last moments as the sheer weight crushes the other.
I was wrong. After all this time apart, it seems that we still remain truly sisters.
...
I knew you would be up to something. I’m watching you.
I’m always watching you.
And maybe... you’ve always been watching me too.
Your serpentine eyes gleam at the pure pleasure of a victory. Understandable, any prisoner would be proud to have broken from her shackles. I stifle a laugh as those unnatural eyes of yours widen in shock.
I’m not in the Everfree. And neither are you.
I have alway been your superior in magicks, my dearest sister. Have you forgotten how I, when banishing you, wielded the Elements of Harmony so majestically? The simple hope for peace - for myself, but I suppose, for my ponies as well - was sufficient. A beacon, radiating my magical signature at Summer Sun Celebration, did well in baiting you to this very spot in Ponyville. Honestly, sister, one would think that you’d know the difference between your own sister and a magical doppelganger. Needless to say my ability for deceit does not play second fiddle to yours.
After all, the apple usually doesn’t fall far from the tree.
...
And likewise, neither do fellow apples from each other.
A stage is set and all ready for you. Go ahead sister - when the curtains fall, impress those little ponies. I shall watch your attempts to enchant them with a velvet voice and earn their love and respect. Have all the attention you want, sister. I’m sure you WILL. LOVE. IT.
The mare on the moon has finally faded away. It’s time for this play to begin.
....
Twilight Sparkle! My Faithful Student...
I knew she wouldn’t fail me. That filly will never betray my faith in her. The greeting is short, but affectionate. She deserves to know more, and it is with great relief that I feed her the knowledge she seeks. All that is left though, is...
YOU.
My mane waves softly in the ethereal wind as I gingerly trot towards you. My mind races with the possibilities. Will you spit in my face, as you did all those years ago? Will you toss your crown to the ground and grind it with your hoof once more as you did at our first violent argument? Or will you simply choose to stare at me with that horrfiying mix of hatred and bloodlust? Just one more hoofstep and I will know. I force my eyes to stay open. I need to see...
My sister.
That can’t be true! It can’t be..
I don’t see a ruthless, demanding tyrant. I don’t see a jealous mare who threaded her mane with the brightest stars. Instead, I see a mare cowering.
Cowering.
That’s not right. What I truly see, is a mare who, once upon a time, tugged on my mane and told me that the cotton candy clouds resembled my mane to the extent that she tried to take a bite to see if my mane tasted “fluffy”. I see a mare who I once loved deeply - but gently like a Moon’s glow, yet as powerfully as a Sun’s shine.
I waver for a fraction of a second before falling onto my knees. And before I know it, I have offered a truce. Let us wipe the slate clean, and start all over again. Time is something that we both have the luxury of. Perhaps it is time we reconsidered-
Oh.
That wasn’t what I expected.
It’s so... warm. Being nuzzled like that.
It’s hard not to cry when listening to your familiar voice once more. Were we ever that young? I should have never let you go...
We all make mistakes. Some more than others.
...
My faithful student and her new Heartbound spin a tale of heroism for you. The valiant Princess Luna, who spent a thousand years guarding the mare on the moon in order to prevent her escape. Who sacrificed her life and her kingdom to protect her beloved subjects. Who only returned to recapture the malevolent spirit, and upon the spirit’s destruction, returned to Equestrian society to continue her vigilance. Then it’s off to Ponyville for a celebration of Equestria’s newest yet (second) oldest hero. It’s a beautiful tale, and a brilliant one at that.
But that’s all it is. A tale, a story....nothing more.
I’m watching you, sister.
I...
You...
WE won’t make the same mistake again.
Even though you have done nothing to deserve the forgiveness showered
We’re done here. Come sister. There is a party to attend, and new friends to meet.
...
Twilight doesn’t want to come back with me.
I knew it would happen, but -
Knowing it beforehand doesn’t make it hurt any less...
...
Even after so long, I’m still jealous.
And so, a thousand years have passed and now my sister is back by my side, to rule as my equal. No one knows she was Nightmare Moon other than my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, and her friends. These six fine ponies now are the holders of the Elements of Harmony. Luna will look after her domain of the night. After she masters her craft she will be the true princess of the night once more. In the meantime, she will not have couriers hunting her for her rubber stamp on a dusty old document. She will not attend any extravaganzas, using her recuperation as the perfect excuse. She will gaze out into the tranquil darkness and watch our subjects rest. The only sound she hears will be the orchestra of crickets and the underlying hum of thousands hearts beating softly as their bodies rest and mend. The only voices she hears will be of soft murmurs of lovers and comforting whispers of mothers tucking in foals for the night.
I only hope she asks this time.
.....
Even if she doesn’t, I might get more than three days this time. Because this time, I won’t have to waste two days looking for the Elements of Harmony.
Author's Note
Thanks for reading Resentment! This is my first proper fic, and I hope you enjoyed reading it!
While many fics have potrayed angry luna and sad/guilty celestia well, I wanted to give a hoof at writing something different - angry celestia. This fic protrays the solar princess' emotional turmoil as she endured centuries of being with - and without her sister. If you have any comments, leave a word below, i'd love to hear it!
