Attack of the hair people.

by Chuckward

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Diamond Dogs, Comedy, Random, Main 6
Length: 1430

Pretty much hair people.

It's all Rarity's fault.

Published 2012-10-29 10:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-01 06:03:53 UTC

A Hairiffic beginning.

The diamond dogs, Bimmy, Charlie, and Gerrard were taking a relaxing stroll through the Everfree forest, well okay, not a relaxing one. In reality they were all scared for their lives. Their home had collapsed and while they were trying to escape they found themselves climbing out of a tunnel that happened to be right in the middle of the Everfree forest.

"Look Charlie, it's that darn pony that thwarted our plans to get diamonds," said Gerrard the diamond dog as he pointed at Rarity, who happened to be stumbling around in a Poison Joke patch.

"Oh fiddlydorks, now I've gone and done it," Rarity yelled angrily as her hair began to grow," Why is the Joke taking effect so fast though, I simply must go find Zecora, she is the reason I came out here after all."

"Wow Gerrard, did you see that," asked Bimmy.

"I sure did, and it's given me another fantastic idea, if it works we can finally get all the diamonds that stupid pony took, and get revenge as an added bonus."

"About that,"said Charlie," why do we want the diamonds?"

"What do you mean? We're diamond dogs! Of course we want diamonds," replied Gerrard.

"I just feel like we're perpetuating stereotypes."

"Oh god, here we go again with the civil rights crap."

"Oh come on, you know it's wrong, I really want to be an accountant, but instead I have to slave away digging around looking for rocks."

"You know what Charlie? You're right! For too long the diamond dogs have been oppressed by Celestia, by god we don't even get to have our species name capitalized! I mean seriously, look at Pegasus, Unicorn, Alicorn, and even Earth Ponies. Screw the plan boys, lets start a civil rights campaign!"

So the diamond dogs spent months asking people to sign petitions, holding peaceful protests, and putting up fliers in an attempt to gain equal rights for all diamond dogs, and after months of hard work, Charlie,Bimmy, and Gerrard finally got what they wanted, an audience with the princesses.

"State your case," Celestia demanded with an air of regality.

"We're here to try and gain equal rights between diamond dogs and ponies," Gerrard stated matter-of-factly," we have thousands of signatures from ponies, griffons, and diamond dogs stating that they'd like to see change in this country."

Celestia and Luna looked at each other. They burst out laughing, releasing an orchestra of chuckles.

"Haha,"Celestia wiped a tear fro her eye,"I thought you diamond dogs didnt have a sense of humor, but I guess I was wrong, equal rights, wow I haven't laughed that hard in ages."

"Neither have we,"added Luna.

"No disrespect your majesties," said Bimmy,"but this isn't a joke."

Luna and Celestia stopped laughing.

"So let me get this straight,"Celestia said," you're serious about equal rights?"

"Well, yes."

"GUARDS,"Luna screamed, using the royal Canterlot voice,"ARREST THIS SWINE!"

Three guards appeared in front of Bimmy, Charlie, and Gerrard. They were each holding handcuffs, and were brandishing spears. The three diamond dogs ran out of the castle as fast as they could, narrowly missing guards until they were finally outside. They ran all the way back to Ponyville, which took four whole hours, but the adrenaline in their systems kept them running until they reached their new burrow and collapsed in a crumpled heap.

"That was horrible!" Charlie stomped on the ground to express his distaste.

"Well I'm sure if we try again we can-"

"NO! That was the last straw, boys there's only one thing we can do now."

"What's that?"

"Declare war."

They rallied the other diamond dogs in the area, sent messages to other groups and began to build their weaponry.
They sang during the building process.

"Woke the dogs from hibernation, warmed them up and called my two best friends."

"Bimmy the dawg."

"And Charlie the homie."

"We're three mad dogs bearing anger and common sense."

"Damn you doot-doot-do-do."

"SHUT UP, now fetch those gemstones by the armful!"

"Says who? Doot-doot-do-do."

"Says me, napalm makes them slightly more harmful! Nobody goes near that door this diamond dog's going to war."

"Momma said be slow to anger, stupid ponies have got me seeing red, grab my TIE-fighter out of the hangar, I won't stop til Celestia's filled with dread.

"Tenhut. Doot-doot-do-do."

"New chew toy, I made it out of blasting clay."

"You're nuts! Doot-doot-do-do."

"When it's dry and ready, for mercy they will pray. Can't wait 8 nights or more, cause Charlie's going to war."

"Check it out Bimmy D. in the neptizzle hizzle, with my diamond dog beatbox busy building missiles. I've got these little mailman figures, careful little puppy that's proximity triggered.
I want some equal rights so the children better listen.
These ponies piss me off and I know it when they dis it. So Gerard."
"Yeah D?"

"Charlie?"

"HEY HEY!"

"Come on bitches lets pimp my sleigh."

"Easy with the heavy artillery, black powder is deadly but unstable."

"Can they sue for liability?"

"Certainly not!"

"Use as much as you are able."

"This bites. Doot-doot-do-do."

"You're fighting for your rights so don't get wired."

"Now lets fight. Doot-doot-do-do."

"Okay."

"Dog bones roasting I'm gonna open fire, prepare for gore galore the diamond dogs are going to war."

The three diamond dogs looked at their brand new army. They had tanks and guns, as well as zeppelins, B-52 bombers and a host of other deadly weapons that would ensure their victory. But just in case something went wrong they built themselves a secret weapon, something so horrifying it could only be described as, really really hairy. They discussed their battle plans and deployed their army. Soon the battle would begin.

Celestia was on her laptop browsing Youtube. She looked at her recommended videos list and saw one called "Diamond dogs going to war." she clicked on it and watched the video. When it was done she crumpled up her laptop and threw it in the wastebin.

"Luna, cancel my dinner plans."

Luna popped her head into the computer room.

"Why?"

"I have a war to win."
_______________________________________________________________________

This is the song they were doing a parody of.

The Origin of Charlie!

Bimmy and Gerard were walking through an alleyway, when they thought they heard a noise coming from a dumpster.

They thought it was a ruby sandwich, but it was a diamond puppy.

So they adopted him and named him Chaaarlie.

Charlie,Charlie, the drunk diamond do-og.

Charlie, Charlie, the drunk diamond dog.

_________________________________________________________

I'm so sorry.I just had to do this.

Country Hair Jamboree.

Celestia looked out the window of her sun fortress, she turned to Luna.

"Luna, their army is very powerful, in fact it's like a billion times better than Ghengis Khan's army, and now I fear that the only way for us to win is to combine."

"As you wish."

Celestia and Luna began to glow, their bodies were pulled to each other like two magnetic particles with opposite charges, suddenly they combined into Lunesta, and then they ran off to the guard chambers.

"Honey Flash!" Screamed Lunesta the double alicorn.
___________________________

Charlie, Gerard, and Bimmy were leading their new super army towards Canterlot Castle.

"I sure hope this works," said a worried Gerard.

"Don't worry," replied Bimmy," Celestia already said it herself a few paragraphs ago, we're a billion times stronger than Ghengis Khan's army, so there's nothing to worry about."

"I'm still not sure about this."

Bimmy sighed.

"There's an Orange Julius on the way."

Gerard's mood instantly lightened up.

"Wow, is there really?"

"Yup, we can stop there before the war,"

So the entire diamond dog army went to Orange Julius and had a great time, in fact it was so fun that the whole army completely forgot about why they were going to Canterlot in the first place, so they went home and took naps instead.
__________________________

Lunesta looked down angrily at the Orange Julius that was in her line of sight. She had taken the time to amass her army and the damn diamond dogs decided to party at Orange Julius and go home. She channeled her energy into a Spirit Bomb and fired it at the innocent smoothie shop, ensuring that when the diamond dogs remembered how angry they were, there'd be no distractions. She turned to her guards.

"Guards, it seems as though our adversaries have decided not to show up for-," one of the guards put his hoof up," umm, what is it?"

"Shut the hell up Lunesta, you're putting me to sleep."