My Little Professor: Farnsworth's an Idiotby LavamanChaptersPrologue: Another PlanetThe ProfessorBenderPrologue: Another PlanetHunched over a large telescope-looking object, was a wrinkly old man with a lab coat and light blue slippers. The old man was none other than the famous Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, creator of robots, and founder of Planet Express Shipping Company. He was busy at work on his Smelloscope, a device capable of giving the user scents from any solid object in space, as he recorded the smells of different planets for future use. He smelt the terrible odor coming from Guano 8, a planet infested with bat people, and his nose curled at the stench while he recorded his findings. He adjusted various levers and knobs, moving the Smelloscope slightly to the left. He placed his nostrils upon two small pipes, inhaling deeply. It smelled of flowers and cake in an old barnyard, but he had never smelled such a scent in all of his lifetime. He was quite curious about the unknown planet, for he had thought, for sure, all planets in the entire universe had been discovered and mapped. He scribbled down some notes, but soon stopped, as the Smelloscope couldn’t provide enough information for a good report of the planet. So, he gathered his things and went to the New, New York Observatory. He walked outside to the nearest transport tube, the fast way to travel across the city thanks to vacuum suction, hopped inside, and was whizzed off towards the observatory. It shined in the sunlight, with its beautiful dome and large, powerful telescope that could see millions of light years away. The Professor passed through the doors, and signed up to use the telescope for “Personal Studies”. Luckily, the telescope wasn’t in use at the moment, so the Professor only had to wait a few minutes for it to be prepped. He set his things down on a table near the telescope, and put his eye up to the lens as he adjusted the telescope to the proper coordinates. He nearly had a heart attack from what he had found; absolutely nothing. He was confused. How can something that is nonexistent be capable of making such an odd smell? He checked his coordinates again, to find that they were correct as well. He proceeded to write down as many observations he could possibly manage, and then went back outside to take another tube back to Planet Express. “Odd news, everyone!” The Professor said as he walked into the break room. Everyone turned their attention onto him, who was as giddy as a schoolgirl. "I have discovered an invisible object in space in a faraway galaxy with the Smelloscope! We need to travel there and make observations, and possibly test dangerous chemicals on any possible inhabitants." He rubbed his hands together and laughed maniacally. Leela stood up to prepare the ship for space travel. “Alright then. Fry and Bender, help the Professor load the ship with anything he needs. I'll be doing a routine check to make sure we're ship shape for a long distance space flight." "Awww, why do we have to do all the grunt work?" moaned Bender as he walked down the hallway with Fry. The trip would most likely end up being another one of the Professor's boring space flights, possibly ending with a wrecked Planet Express Ship. But, his circuits sparked and his fans whirred as he formulated a plan that would get him through this impending boredom. "Hey Fry, I'm sure this is just gonna be another crappy space flight. So, I think we should spice things up with a little contest..." He opened up his chest cavity, and pulled out a plastic bag filled with a black and dark green substance, with orange specks throughout it. "What the hell is that?" asked Fry, backing up as he got a whiff of it. It smelled like all the garbage dumps on the world populated by a million Zoidbergs. "This, my human friend, is the gunk underneath Zoidberg's armpit. You don't wanna know what I had to do to get this." He said, tucking the bag back into his compartment. "So what's the contest, and what are the stakes?" said Fry, clearly interested. "We’re gonna to prank the crew and anyone else we meet. First one to a hundred pranks wins bragging rights and five bucks. The loser has to eat that Zoidberg stuff." The robot extended his metal claw for a handshake, "So, what do you say?" Fry grasped the claw, and the contest officially began. It had taken about an hour to load up the ship with everything necessary for the trip, as the Professor's equipment was heavy, and there was the possibility that there wasn’t any food or water on the space object. But, sweat/oil soaked Fry and Bender were glad they were able to finish the job, and they could now focus on their little contest. Shortly after loading, the rest of the crew boarded the ship. While Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, and Scruffy usually didn’t come, the Professor needed all the help he could get; with his frail, one-hundred and seventy-year old body, recording data along with other small tasks proved to be difficult for him. Leela sat behind the wheel, and prepared the ship for a smooth, safe take-off. Ah, it was a thing of beauty. It had a sleek, aerodynamic hull and three wings complete with rudders to help it steer. At the back were the many dark matter engines that thrusted the ship by actually moving the universe around it, instead of actually being propelled through space. When landing, the two lower wings served as landing gear while another leg lowered itself from the hull and served as a way of getting to and from the ship. The paint was a solid green, complete with the Planet Express logo, a the name of the company surrounding a ship flying. And, to protect against nasty space pirates, a turret was mounted on the top and was usually controlled by Fry. Sadly, the thing is cheap and can barely withstand taking off from Earth, seeing as the Professor uses most money to fund his experiments. Leela prepared to blast off. She turned the key, and the engines of the ship sprang to life. Leela pulled up on the wheel, causing the rockets to spew hot flames, allowing the ship to rise out of the hanger through the open bay doors, which were two sliding red gates that were located on the top of the Planet Express building.. Leela pulled on the wheel some more, making her way out of Earth's atmosphere and soon past Pluto, heading towards the strange object. “Alright, everyone, this space flight will be quite the journey, and I’ve enabled the auto-pilot. So, we need to conserve oxygen by going into hypersleep for a few hours. Follow me to the bed chambers so we can rest up.” stated Leela. Fry hung up a few extra hammocks in his and Bender’s room. It technically wasn’t even a room, more of a closet. It had two hammocks for Fry and Bender by a window. It had a short length and an even shorter width, making it very cramped. They all climbed into the uncomfortable hammocks, while Leela and the Professor were sleeping in their own large comfortable chambers. While it wasn’t ideal for the rest of the crew, they didn’t want to die from lack of oxygen. It was what Leela guessed about three hours of hypersleep until the ship alerted her that their destination was coming up. She rubbed her one large eye in the middle of her face, and tried to make her purple hair presentable. She could get bed hair extremely easily. She walked out of her quarters, and banged on Fry and Bender’s compartment. “We’re arriving to the invisible object in about half-an-hour, so get up and help me get everything ready.” She did the same with the Professor, who moaned a bit, but finally got up after being persistent. Leela got behind the wheel to prepare a possible entry or collision with the object, while the others gathered around various controls in the bridge, except for Zoidberg. Zoidberg can’t do much of any good with his lobster claws. “Then what should I do, exactly? Need someone to clean the ship? Why not Zoidberg?” He said, with his mouth tentacles flopping. “That’d be my job.” said Scruffy, reclining in his seat. “Who are you?” asked Zoidberg. “Scruffy... the janitor.” “Zoidberg, all I want you to do is stand there and do nothing. Like I already said, you can’t be much help unless we have a medical emergency. And you aren’t much help with that, either.” said Leela. Dr. Zoidberg stood there as he was told with his head held low, and let out a weird, deep noise. “We’re approaching the object! According to the radar, this object is spherical, so it may be a planet, which means it could very well be inhabited!” said the Professor. The ship gave a slight jerk, and the Professor checked another screen on the dashboard. “Ah! It is a planet, as we’re getting pulled towards it by a gravity as strong as Earth’s. I also see that there is an atmosphere just like Earth, except... That can’t be right! We’d be dead by now!” The Professor clasped his forehead and began to pace about the bridge. “Bad news, everyone! Not only is the atmosphere similar to Earth’s it also has odd light wavelengths way off the Electromagnetic Spectrum! It’s a miracle how we aren’t burnt to a crisp yet, and the ship is still in tact!” The Professor continued to pace around. “Not only that, but it has some sort of odd effect on anything getting into it, and has a very strong pull to it somehow! We’re going to crash!” The crew gasped, except for Scruffy, who was busy poking his nose into some old Playboy magazines. Lights began to flare and sirens were blaring at maximum volume, warning the crew of their imminent doom as they approached ever closer to the mysterious planet’s surface. The closer they were, though, the more they could make out what was awaiting them on the surface. Instead of a dreadful, barren landscape due to the radiation, it appeared to be a peaceful meadow filled with flowers, and creeks running off towards a forest surrounding it. But, that didn’t change the fact that they’re gonna crash. “Everyone! Grab onto something and brace for impact! We’re entering the atmosphere!” commanded Leela. Everyone held tight to anything they could find that was solid. The ship began to enter the deadly atmosphere, as it became a steam cooker. The ship was losing parts quickly, and was bending under all the pressure from the mysterious wavelengths of light. After exiting what the Professor believed to be the Exosphere, the whole bridge was covered in a blinding light brighter than the Sun itself. The ship was descending even quicker than before, and they were dropping through layer upon layer of the atmosphere until they reached the Troposphere. The ship came into contact with the ground with the loud song of metal being crushed as even more parts were flying off. The ship skidded across the plain, leaving a trail of dirt and rubble behind it, as it came to a halt. The crew, while slightly dazed and bruised, were relatively okay, and had miraculously survived the crash without dying. The Professor was the first to emerge from the smoking rubble, and tripped from all the dizziness. The rest of the crew followed, coughing up various pieces of debris as they checked to make sure they were okay. But, something was amiss. They weren’t standing upon two feet, but instead, four hooves. Their body was covered in a coat, and they had a mane (all except for Zoidberg, the Professor, and Bender). They all still had their regular clothes, they were just ponies that could still talk. The Professor was somehow able to get out a scanner from his lab coat, even though he now lacked fingers. He scanned the whole crew, and fiddling with the buttons. “Interesting news, everyone! The massive radiation in the atmosphere has morphed us into equine creatures! Magical equines at that, seeing as I can somehow hold this scanner.” Everyone was examining every inch of their new forms, and getting use to new appendages and walking on four legs. The crew was in awe at the beautiful landscape they had come upon. It was like they had gone back to a time where skyscrapers, highways, and pollution were nonexistent, and all that was there were rolling hills of grass, fauna-filled forests, and skies as clear as crystal. Off in the distance was a small town consisting of cozy houses and a large apple orchard. The Professor couldn’t explain it, but for some reason, happiness and friendship emanated from the houses. It tugged him, beckoning him to enjoy the lovely town. Well, that was mostly because it was probably the only place they’d find supplies. “While this is all fine and dandy, remember that we have a wrecked ship on our hands! Or hooves... Either way we don’t have a way to get home!” said Hermes impatiently. “Oh yes, yes! That is an issue, isn’t it?” The Professor said, examining the ship with a hoof on his chin. “Well, looks like we’ll have to go to that town to get parts and fuel, as it seems the rest of the dark matter in the ship burned up from the atmosphere radiation.” Even though he originally wanted to torture the natives, his new mission was to get off this lovely planet. He longed for his doomsday devices and death rays back in New New York. “Let’s get moving, goddammit! I may drop dead any second!” So, they began the mile or so journey to the town, in hopes that they have discovered dark matter fuel instead of regular, fossil fuels or retarded “environmentally friendly” fuel. The closer they got to the town, the more they could see of it. The buildings were far from today’s standards of building. They consisted of wood, stone, and thatched roofs, although some had more advanced brick or shingles. The apple orchard was even larger up close; it would take hours to harvest all the apples even with futuristic technology. The closer they got the more curious the Professor became as to how the locals pulled off these feats, seeing as they were equine. It took about an hour to get there, mostly because the Professor is a turtle, and the fact that the crew had to adapt to walking on four legs. It’s like learning how to walk again, with a lot of tripping and slow moving. But, the crew did prevail, and finally got the hang of walking normally. They just hoped they wouldn’t have to run anywhere anytime soon. Upon entering the town, they were greeted with many happy, talking colorful ponies just like them, along with the marks on their flanks, except for the younger ponies.The Professor assumed that these marks were tattooed on their flanks as a brutal, tribal tradition. After walking around a little while, they came upon the town square, right in front of city hall and next to the marketplace. “Now only if we can find someone who doesn’t think we’re crazy when we say we’re not from this planet, so that I can interview them and their culture, then we can get the hell off of here!” said the Professor. Suddenly, a regular pink pony that smelled of cotton candy came bounding in out of nowhere, with a huge smile on her face. When she came close to the crew, she stopped short, and let out a huge gasp. “Hello, new friends! I’m Pinkie Pie! I know that you’re new because I know everyone in Ponyville! So, where are you from and what are your names?” She asked rapidly. “Well, you seem crazy enough to believe anything. Perfect for the situation we’re in! We’re from a distant planet called “Earth” where we deliver packages through space in our now totaled spaceship. It’s all just to fund my crazy inventions and doomsday devices. We’re looking for someone to help us rebuild our ship so we can off this god-forsaken planet!” said the Professor. Thankfully, Pinkie Pie believed every word of their story, because she truly was crazy and deserved to be locked up in an insane asylum. She became acquainted with the entire crew, and said that she may now some ‘pony’ as she said, that could be of assistance. Of course, the conversation didn’t just stop there. She was quite curious about life on Earth and was freaking out that she was talking to pony-looking aliens. She was so excited that the Professor thought for sure she would die of a heart attack. Soon, the crew came upon a giant tree, that was extremely peculiar. It seemed as though these ponies were somehow able to carve out the entire tree, and install windows, doors, and other features, such as balconies and lights, to make it a house. It was truly an amazing feat, as the Professor didn’t notice a single car on the entire planet, so he assumed their technology wasn’t as greatly developed as Earth’s. Pinkie Pie came up to the tree, and knocked on the door with a picture of a candle on it. A female voice called out saying “Spike, could you go answer the door, please?” To which a bratty, teenage-sounding voice replied, “Sure Twilight.” The door was opened by a purple scaled reptile about pony-waist high with dull, green spikes all along his spine and ending on top of his head. “Oh hi Pinkie! What do you nee-” He cut short after looking over her shoulder and seeing the entire crew. “Oh, who are your new friends?” He walked outside, with a small smile on his face; he was obviously happy to meet anyone new. “They’re not regular ponies, Spike! They’re aliens from this place called “Earth”! I thought the best person to take them to was Twi, seeing as she’s all sciency and booky and stuff!” Pinkie was circling Spike while describing this, as she was extremely hyper from meeting aliens. “Uh... yeah. Sure. Listen, Twilight’s pretty busy doing something for the Princess, so why don’t you ask Rarity or somepony else?” There’s that use of “somepony” instead of someone. It was beginning to get on the Professor’s nerves a bit for no good reason. He was also curious about a pony princess. Obviously the dumbos hadn’t switched from a Monarchy to a Representative form of government. “No Spike! We need to see Twilight! This is super duper uber schooper wooper important! This isn’t some sort of game! I cross to heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” She did little motions while saying the last sentence, such as running her hoof across her chest quickly, doing the same motion in the air, then finally poking herself in the eye with the same hoof. An soft, but audible “ow” was heard, but she was still holding her ground of getting into this tree house. “All right... if you’re going to be that persistent,” said the reptile as he turned around to look at the door, “Twilight! Pinkie’s here to see you, and she says she has some aliens!” The same female voice from before let out a loud sigh, and a light, purple unicorn appeared at the door with an annoyed look on her face, who was supposedly Twilight. “What do you want now, Pinkie?” Twilight looked at the crew, “So these are the ‘aliens’, huh? Well they look alot like ponies to me.” She began to examine the crew by lifting up their legs, poking them, and sometimes getting very close to their “no-no places”, until she came upon Bender and Zoidberg. “Interesting! A pony made entirely out of metal! Ooh! And a pony without a coat or tail; just solid shell and fins! These are some pretty good costumes, Pinkie!” She poked Bender’s rear for no apparent reason. “Hey, stop it! If you want to poke around there, then you can bite my shiny, ponified ass!” said Bender rudely. Twilight was taken aback by the robot’s cruel language, as swearing isn’t something that happens often in Equestria. But, she got back to conversing with Pinkie. “This is taking too damn long. I’m going to go have fun with these wings and look around a bit.” said Fry, as he clumsily began to flap his new wings and took off the ground, nearly crashing into the side of a house. “I agree with Fry. Professor, you can stick around with the locals and see if you can get spare parts and fuel from them. The rest of us should probably go look around for a restaurant, ‘cause I’m starving.” said Leela. The rest of the crew agreed, and left the Professor to deal with the arguing ponies. “Damn kids.” said the Professor, looking back at his worthless crew. But, he had a job to do. “Excuse me, but I think I have something to say now.” The ponies stopped, and looked at the Professor. “You see, we crash landed on this planet due to your terrible radioactive atmosphere, and we desperately need parts and fuel so we can get back home!” “See! I told you they were aliens!” said Pinkie, but Twilight still wasn’t convinced. She wanted proof, and she intended to do it... with SCIENCE! “Okay then, I hope you wouldn’t mind if I were to run a few tests on you.” said Twilight. She was hoping the old crone would be unwilling, as no pony in their right mind would have tests run on them if they weren’t aliens. “Not at all! Being a scientist myself, I understand scientific evidence is vital to reaching a conclusion!” Twilight was a little shocked by the Professor’s reply, but promptly walked over to the library door, opened it, and waved her hoof to welcome the Professor inside. The Professor trotted in, slightly concerned about finding parts and fuel. He could care less, of course, about his crew. But little did he know, they were having the time of their lives on this new land. The ProfessorThe Professor stepped into the ancient library and was met with the smell of dusty old tomes and lumber; which was expected of a library built into a tree. He was impressed at how simple, equine creatures were capable of pulling off such a feat as to carving out a tree to build a library, and still keep the tree alive. The walls were carved so that it could be filled with books of all shapes, sizes, and colors, all neatly organized. It came as a shock to the Professor that he actually was able to understand what the books said on their covers, as the letters weren't anything like those on Earth. Perhaps the strange radiation in the atmosphere caused something to happen to his brain? It was the only logical explanation, so he promptly opened up a book at random and skimmed through it. After reading only about a paragraph, a purple aura surrounded the book and placed it back onto the shelf which it was situated. "My, I guess the radiation in the atmosphere does affect the surface." said the Professor, quite puzzled. Twilight raised an eyebrow at this. "You've never seen or heard of magic before?" "Wha? Magic? Bouldercrap! That concept is old and ridiculous! Which is why Disney bought all rights to it, along with Star Wars! Now that I think about it... I'm surprised they don't own me yet," the Professor argued. He's just an old crone, Twilight. Ignore him and his odd ideas, she thought to herself while rolling her eyes. "Now then, let's not waste any time, shall we? If you'll follow me down to the lab, we can begin a full analysis of your organs, DNA, and a full scan of your brain." She then proceeded to use her "magic" to open a door leading down to a basement. "Pinkie, stay up here if you would, please." "Okie dokie lokie!" she replied happily. Following the unicorn down some dirt stairs, he came upon a laboratory filled with many bits of beeping and flashing technology, chemistry sets, and books related to the sciences. "Oh my, with this technology, it would take hours to get any reliable data," the Professor scoffed, as all the machinery and tools were quite primitive, dating back to the year 2010 or so. "Here, use this instead to analyze my entire being instead." He threw Twilight his handy little gadget he had used after the crew had crashed. Twilight caught it with her magic, and was astounded by the technology in her aura, as it was far more advanced than any equipment available to scientists on the entire planet. She fiddled with the many switches and pressed many of the buttons, trying to figure out how to use the thing. "I could show you how it works, if you'd like," the Professor said, wiping sweat from his mane-less head, as it was quite humid in the basement. "No, no. I want to figure this out myself..." she replied. Twilight's mind was racing a mile a minute. She could not believe that Pinkie Pie could possibly be right about such an outlandish remark such as aliens from another planet; the evidence was present, and it was right in front of her eyes: the old, wrinkly pony with otherworldly knowledge and the amazingly technologically-advanced device. While Twilight was trying to figure out how the device worked, the Professor thought it would be a good time to learn a bit about their species and culture, and poke his nose into some of their tomes. He picked up a book at random, ending up with the title Basic Biology of the Equestrian Pony: Volume I. How lucky to find a book about just what he was looking for! He proceeded to flip through the pages to learn of the three different species of equine creatures. After reading the first chapter or so, he was able to gather that there are actually four species of equine creatures, the fourth being the ever rare "alicorn", who are supposedly only princesses. He was also able to find out a few things about his new form. For instance, he was an Earth pony, meaning he did not possess wings or a horn atop his head. He also learned that the atom symbol placed upon his ass was called a "cutie mark", and was earned whenever one finds the thing that they're best at. Right when the Professor reached possibly the best chapter of the book, Mating, the damned unicorn was able to figure out how to use the thing by reverse-engineering it, and then making a similar one of her own that had frilly flowers painted on it. After configuring the now pony-friendly device, Twilight scanned the Professor's body. By now, it would have been quicker to use the equipment already available to them in the laboratory, but Twilight didn't really care; she had made the largest scientific breakthrough of all time. In a matter of seconds, loads of data came streaming into the device's screen, all readily available to be accessed by Twilight. Upon looking at the major bits of information, Twilight's heart skipped a few beats. "No... it can't be... This can't be right!" she said in disbelief. Twilight wiped all the data that was presently on the device and did a total reset, as she was sure it was a glitch from it still technically being a prototype. She then configured it again, and scanned the Professor once more. Once again, loads of data piled onto the screen, and Twilight opened all the major files, and she thought she would faint and have a heart failure. "P... Pink... Pinkie was right. You... you..." "Are an alien from another world? Yes, yes I am. Now then, we need to discuss the matter of me getting off this godforsaken place!" Twilight was still trying to wrap her brain around the fact that Pinkie was right for once. She simply sat there, her left eye twitching and her mouth wide open. The Professor trotted over to her, and waved his hoof in front of her eyes, thankfully snapping her out of her delirious state. "S-sorry. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that my friend wasn't acting crazy as usual," she said a bit shakily as she stood up. "Now then, I guess we need to help you get off our planet?" "For the millionth time, yes. The part that worries me the most is if you've discovered the type of fuel our ship uses." "And what may that be?" asked a curious Twilight. "Dark matter. It's the only fuel that will suffice for the engines of the ship, as anything else will cause them to explode." The Professor's face grew a creepy smile at the word "explode". Twilight was taken aback. "Dark matter? You mean the substance that is only found in the depths of the universe? Sorry, but I doubt that there are any bits of dark matter in Equestria at all." "Take a scan of the surface of the planet to see if there are any reserves," said the Professor. Twilight did as told, and began to fiddle with the device for a third time, configuring it to do what the Professor said to do. After only five minutes or so, the device came back with a scan of the entire planet's surface, and one hundred feet above and below ground. This device kept Twilight amazed every time she used it. "Oh my gosh, there is dark matter in the depths of Equestria! It's right below Canterlot, our capital city!" Twilight jumped at this, as she was making scientific breakthroughs in a matter of minutes. She would be the envy of all scientists! Looking back at the device, though, she frowned. "Sadly, it seems to be in a very small vein." "Doesn't matter! All we need is enough to get us off this planet, then we can deploy the solar sails! It may take longer, but I'll do anything to get off of here!" "Anything else you'll be needing? I'll gladly help you get everything prepared for you to take off, as long as I keep getting this amazing data!" she said cheerfully. "Yes, upon impact, we lost a lot of parts; the ship is practically a pile of electronics and mashed metal right now." The Professor put a hoof up to his chin to think for a bit. "Now that I think back on it, I should be able to reconstruct the ship to a rudimentary state with the scrap from the crash; I'll just be needing some light-weight metal like bauxite." The Professor took out his own scanner to see what metals lay beneath Equestria's earth. "There appears to be small veins of it throughout your planet, but for some odd reason, there's a high quantity of it underneath your Camelot place. How convenient!" "Canterlot," Twilight corrected. "Whatever! Your Cancer-lot place seems to have all the materials that we need. That being said, how the hell do we get there?" asked the Professor. "Well, the only way up to Canterlot is via the train, but I can barely afford a ticket there, sadly. The Princess allows us to come up there when needed for fr-" she cut off, as the Professor was somehow able to locate her secret stash of money in the basement, and grabbed the whole bag. "Well, it seems like we have the funds needed for the trip. Let's get a move on!" the Professor walked back up the stairs, while Twilight stood there with her mouth wide open at the fact she was robbed by the oldest thing she'd ever seen. But, for the purpose of scientific discoveries, her legs propelled her to follow the old crook. Twilight navigated her way through the streets of Ponyville to get to the train station. The Professor had somehow been able to get used to walking with four legs very quickly, and had surprising speed for his age. He had already bought two tickets to Canterlot by the time Twilight got there, out of breath, mind you. “Hurry up, you incompetent mule! We have fuel and ores to mine illegally!“ the Professor said angrily, throwing one of the tickets at Twilight. But, it merely fluttered in the wind and settled on the ground, as it was made of paper and the Professor couldn’t throw the lightest thing in the world an inch. At that moment, Pinkie came bounding out of nowhere, as usual, heading straight for Twilight. “Twilight! Twilight! Where have you guys been?” she asked, as she pounced on Twilight and pinned her to the ground. “I was waiting outside for you guys for like forever, and neither of you came out claiming that that colt was truly an alien! So, I went off to eat some special cupcakes I made in my basement, and when I came ba-” The annoying, talkative mare was cut off by yet another ticket being thrusted into her face. “You! Pink Idiot! Since you’re here with us, you get to help me get back to my doomsday devices!” He hauled two giant pickaxes over his back, which he had gotten from seemingly nowhere. “This damn pansy-ass train will be leaving any minute, and I want to get there early!” The Professor was obviously disgusted by how girly and pink the train’s appearance was. Without uttering another word, the two mares followed the Professor onboard, headed for the caves beneath the capital city of Equestria. While most would think that a few ponies carrying pickaxes would be a bit suspicious, everypony was too busy making friends and being dumb. The Professor didn’t really know what these stupid ponies do, but he didn’t have the time to care. --- It was only a few hours later that the trio had arrived at the Canterlot train station. Unluckily for them, there had been a recent assassination attempt on Princess Celestia, resulting with the royal guards really cracking down on security, especially at the train station. Needless to say, it was quite uncomfortable for them to sit down afterwards. Finally, they arrived in front of the caverns after five more securitysearches. Oddly enough, the Professor was actually starting to enjoy himself after about the fourth time. But, nothing else mattered at the moment to the Professor. They had finally arrived at the mouth of the caverns which were ever so close to the vital materials they required. The three ponies walked deeper into the caverns, while the Professor used his scanner to try and navigate through the damned labyrinth of twisting rocks and dangerous falls to strike it rich. With a reassuring triple-beep from his scanner, they had reached an area that was the closest to the vein of dark matter. “Looks like we got our work cut out for us,” the Professor said as he placed his scanner back in his pocket. “It’s about a thirty-foot tunnel we need to dig to access the fuel.” He placed the two picks in front of the ponies promptly. But, of course, Twilight had to be the smart one. “Wait a minute... where’s your pickaxe, Professor?” she said, her eyebrows furrowed. “Oh, not to worry about that, you sweet little pack mule! I have my cattle prod with me!” “What good would a cattle prod do t-” Twilight’s question was answered when her behind was zapped with five thousand volts of electricity. “Get mining, goddammit!” And on went the two ponies, already exhausted from having to lug the two heavy pickaxes around. Their progress was merely a crawl, as the cold, damp rock was extremely dense and tough. While the two pony slaves were working away tirelessly at the barren face of the cavern, the Professor took the time to finally look up from his scanner to survey his surroundings. He was taken aback by the beautiful sight that lay before him; much like the feeling he got when he first crash-landed on the planet. The cavern was filled with many teal, shimmering crystals, some as long as eight feet! Every wall around him glistened with the cold dew that covered the walls like icing on a cake. When he looked up, all he could see were the many dazzling lights of the native Equestrian Glow Worms, rumored to have helped Luna create all the stars in the night sky. Since he was busily twiddling with his device, the Professor also didn't noticed how warm the air was in the cavern. It was quite comfortable to relax in, but not so comfortable to work in, hence why the mining ponies were already drenched with sweat even though they had only made three feet of progress. While the cavern was beautiful in every aspect that a cavern could be, the Professor had other matters to attend to, such as making sure the ponies kept working and that they stay on course to the dark matter. He also had to attend to searching for bauxite so he could make replacement parts for the ship. After doing another quick scan, the Professor was able to find the nearest and largest vein of the ore, which was surprisingly open in the cavern. It wasn’t even covered by a layer of dense rock. “You! Pink one! Stop mining and come over here with that pick!” Pinkie wiped sweat off her forehead, which didn’t do much good as more salty liquid replaced it. She swung the heavy pickaxe over her shoulder and hobbled under the weight of the tool over to the Professor. “What is it... Professor?” she asked, breathing in heavily. “Mine every last bit of this bauxite. Once you’ve done that, you’ll get back to work on tunnelling to the fuel.” the Professor zapped Pinkie in the rear, which was not needed, so that she would get right to work. While the two ponies were tirelessly mining away at either metal or hard cavern rock, the Professor finally found time to attend to his own personal matters. He found a smooth, flat rock jutting out from the cavern floor that was nearby the work area, and he sprawled out on it. It took him a few minutes to get comfortable, after all it was tough rock, but nonetheless, he was able to fall asleep. To the Professor, it seemed like only one second had passed when Pinkie dumped a load of medium-sized bits of bauxite on top of the Professor. She had to admit, she wasn’t the happiest pony alive right now, despite being the bearer for the Element of Laughter. All the mining work she had been doing for the past few hours reminded her of the dismal childhood she had while working on her parent’s rock farm. The Professor awoke as he was startled by the bits of bauxite being bestowed upon him. “Wha?” he said, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. “Here’s your bauxite, Professor,” Pinkie said with a bit of anger in her voice. “I don’t even know why I’m helping you do this! At first, it was because I was thinking you were my first alien friend! But now, I see that you’re just a big meanie who enslaves poor he-helpless po-ponies!” Pinkie’s slight bout of anger had soon transformed into sadness, as she couldn’t help thinking of her childhood on the rock farm. While, yes, she did learn to be happy and throw great parties there, she was remembering the time before any fun happened. The time when her parents were strict, boring folk, and where laughter was strictly forbidden. She burst into tears and was propping herself up on the Professor’s shoulder. “W-why Professor? W-wh-why’d y-you m-m-make us s-slaves? Wh-why d-di-did da-d-daddy n-never li-like ha-hap-happiness?” The Professor felt oddly sympathetic for the pony, which was a rare feeling for him. He didn’t feel bad for putting them to work, however, for he knew that was required for him to get the hell off the planet, but at that moment, he felt the slightest bit sorry. “Oh... there, there. Don’t you worry! It’s all over now... just calm down.” He stroked her mane, which seemed to have a soothing effect on her. Her river of tears were replaced by single drops, and only a mere, remote whimper ever escaped from her lips. “So... you’ll stop the mining?” asked Pinkie. “Yes, I shall. I can get my worthless crew to do it instead.” he replied. “Um... Professor.” Twilight said from a distance. “Were those other aliens your crew?” asked Pinkie as she was intrigued. “Yes, they were. They were just useless nobodies who I employed to do deliveries,” he said comfortingly, as he continued to stroke her mane. “Professor,” Twilight said again. “So what’s it like on your planet?” Pinkie decided it was a good time to learn more of the alien and his friends, family, and home world. “Oh, well it’s much more advanced than the one you have here. We have so many wondrous things on my planet, like robots, and spaceships, and those little mints that are left on your pillow at hotels, an-” “Professor!” Twilight yelled from the tunnel, which echoed throughout the cavern. “What is it, goddammit!” “You may want to see this...” The Professor got up off of his rocky bed, and trotted slowly over to Twilight. She had finally broken through, but the tunnel clearly wasn’t as long as it should be, as it was only about ten feet in length. He poked his head through the opening on the other side of the tunnel, to see another huge cavern before him. But, unlike the one they had been in all this time, this one was clearly carved out... by a laser. Lining its walls, instead of beautiful teal crystals, were catwalks and machines of all sorts; some were made for calibrating certain things, and others were made to bore through tough rock. In the center was a large tube filled with liquid dark matter, which explained why the scanner picked it up. The glass tube of fuel was connected to four gas tanks positioned around it where mining machines would stop to refuel automatically. “How the hell is this possible...” the Professor said. His question was soon answered, when a purple pony with a cutie mark of a bag of money turned around in her chair. Her mane was a silvery gray, and in the shape of heart, just like a familiar evil past lover CEO on Earth... “Hubert?” said the purple pony in shock. “Mom?” BenderIt was about noon, and the crew had left the Professor with the natives just mere minutes ago. And of course, Bender was already trying to get himself into trouble. He had sneaked off back towards the town square, and decided that he would work his way from there into the market. He had soon realized, probably not too long after they had found civilization, that he'd have to begin collecting the native currency to be able to purchase the precious, life-sustaining alcohol and cigars that make him look cool. His shiny, metal coat (and ass) gleamed in the sunlight as he made his way to the market. Ponies walking by him gawked at what they thought was a coat of solid armor, and were confused as to if he was a royal guard. Bender took notice of this. “That’s right, look at how great I am!” Consequently, he broke into his trademark “Bender is Great” song; it was a song in which he only sings about how “great” he is. He finally arrived at the market square, and began to survey the victims that lay before him with pockets... wait, no. Bender saw that these ponies were as stark naked as everyone on the Nude Beach Planet. So, they didn’t have any pants or pockets to speak of, but what they did have were many purses. So many purses! Purse-snatching was possibly one of Bender’s most favorite crimes to commit besides mugging and holding hostages. The purses were quite awkward, as they hung over the backs of the ponies; they looked more like backpacks, but Bender didn’t think much about this, as he was too busy concentrating on stealing some money. While it would make more sense to rob a place and get what he wanted from there, Bender thought it safer to steal some local money. He lacked his regular tools at hoof, as he wasn’t planning on robbing any joints the day of the launch to the planet, which was quite unusual for him. Bender searched the market square using the special X-Ray Coin Detector he had installed into his eyes. He began to search for the pony carrying the most loot, and that was be a pink pony with a white and purple mane, crowned with a princess tiara. That tiara was probably worth stealing, too. The pony was young, and was accompanied by a gray, silver-maned pony about the same age wearing glasses. They were both chatting amiably near the edge of the market. Bender laughed in excitement as he approached the young filly. He then hid behind a nearby potted plant, and hoped that the odd transformation hadn’t altered or broke his extendo-grip technology. Lucky for him, it didn’t. He extended one of his arms into the filly’s purse-bag-thing, and felt around for the coins. It was a little tough, as they were mixed with an assortment of textbooks, pencils, and... cupcakes? Bender ignored that fact, and kept searching carefully around the bag, till he felt a cold, round object at the bottom of the bag with the bottom of his hoof. Then a terrible realization came to Bender; the transformation did alter some of his technology, and it was the most useful and simple one of all. His metal claws. How could he possibly pick up anything without the iron pincers? He sobbed a little. He removed his arm from the bag carefully, to make sure neither of the ponies would notice. “Diamond! There’s a snake in your bag!” “Damn it!” Bender whispered loudly in frustration. “That doesn’t look like an ordinary snake, though... It’s going behind that plant!” Bender looked around nervously for a place to hide. He didn’t want to get locked up in jail thanks to two bratty ponies; he had crimes to commit! He heard the clip-clop of their hooves against the dirt ground as they approached his hiding spot. Luckily, their legs were very short, and made it hard for them to walk over two miles per hour, so that bought him a little time for him to search for another hiding place. Sadly for Bender, he was unable to find another spot in a manner of two seconds, as he lacked the attention span to do anything in over two seconds. So naturally, instead of darting away in a stealthy manner somehow, he jumped out from behind the plant and began howling as he galloped right towards the two girls. “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!” Bender yelled, as he ran through the two fillies, knocking them onto their backs, and causing the rich one’s bags to rip open, making them leak their golden preciousness. Bender halted, as he could not resist the urge to get free money. Awww, but my damn hooves don’t let me pick up stuff! Stupid things... I wish there was a way I could pick the coins up... And as if by magic, his computerized thoughts came true. His antennae was shrouded by a yellow aura, and so were the many coins scattering the ground. Bender was amazed at what was happening or what he was doing right now. He couldn’t tell the difference, but he didn’t care, as long as the coins made it into his chest cavity. Upon the very thought of performing his wished action, his container opened, and all the coins were plopped inside. The only trouble with his new form is that his chest cavity is on his belly, meaning that whenever he opens it, everything inside would fall out as it succumbed to the merciless forces of gravity. So, as a quick solution, Bender rotated his entire torso so that the cavity would be located on his back. “I’m such a genius,” he said to himself. By now, since the gathering of coins took merely a few seconds, the two brats had finally gotten up after getting the wind knocked out of them. The dumb tiara-ed one took notice of the absence of her funds. “Hey! That unicorn took the money Daddy gave me! Someone! Catch that thief!” she ordered. This was the last thing that Bender wanted in a pickpocketing situation: to draw a crowd. Since the filly was screaming like a banshee, all the ponies in the market took notice, and surrounded Bender with intentions that probably weren’t too good for Bender’s sake. C’mon new powerful money-getting antennae! Don’t fail me now! “I wish I could fly!” yelled Bender awkwardly, with the crowd of ponies really close to him. They all stepped back in confusion at the odd statement, but to their surprise, Bender’s rear was lit with the fire of a his new jet-propelled, shiny metal ass. He promptly sat down, and the rocket-ass did the rest, launching him into the air and out of prosecution’s way. Bender felt that he had flown far enough from the square to be out of harm’s way. So, he had to try and learn how to turn off his rocket ass, as it kept spurting out flames. “Argh! I wish this damn thing would turn off!” His antennae glowed, and just like that, his rocket ass was as if it had never existed. Bender fell on the hard, grassy ground that was beneath him, with a loud clunk, and a possible dent or two. He got up, still very woozy, and rubbed his head with his hoof, which was a bit awkward for him. As he got up, a warning system went off inside his eyes, telling him that his energy levels were running dangerously low. “Oh, shut up you damned thing! I’m trying my best to find some booze, but this planet is as dry as Kim Kardashian’s talent. Wait a minute, with my new horn thingy, I can just wish some booze for me!” He concentrated, and simply wished for three whole kegs of 900 proof vodka, and of course, when he opened his eyes, there before him lay three wooden kegs, obviously filled with robots’ life-sustaining nectar. He didn’t hesitate even for a second. Bender rushed toward the keg closest to him, and turned the dial on the tap with his “magic,” or whatever it was. He positioned himself underneath the tap, and let the vodka flow. The alcohol was pouring into his mouth and overflowing, leaking out into the ground and onto his chest. But Bender didn’t care, he was so low on energy. In a matter of minutes, the first keg was drained of its last drops, and Bender moved on to the next keg and did the same thing to it as he did the first. He repeated this for the third keg, but not in such a haste. He stood up and belched out a huge amount of fire, which licked the surrounding trees’ leaves, burning a few trees to a crisp immediately. This caused the scent of fried apples to fill the air. Bender now took notice of the fact that he was in an apple orchard, possibly the very large one they had seen after they crashed. In his dizziness, fatigue from low energy, and haste, he had not even noticed where he was, and unluckily for him, he was smack dab in the middle of the orchard, quite far from dirt paths and quite lost. “Well then, if I’m lost, might as well get that GPS system I always wanted installed into my head!” He laughed. He wished for the GPS system, but instead of the image of a map popping up inside his head’s programming, the warning signs beeped alerting him that he was low on energy again. “What the- stupid things! I just drank three kegs of strong vodka! Don’t tell m- me if I- I- I’m uh...” Bender felt woozy and sapped of energy, which was quite confusing for a robot who just overfilled his tanks. Bender turned around and was going to perform another wish to get alcohol, hoping that it would fill his tanks this time, when he was startled so greatly that he literally shat three bricks into a neat pile on the ground.this time, when he was startled so greatly that he literally shat three bricks into a neat pile on the ground. Before him stood the one robot he least expected to be here on this planet with him - the Robot Devil. Many moons ago did Bender joined the religion of Robotology, in hopes of ending his obsession with abusing electricity. In the end, however, Bender ended up committing many sins and suffering “eternal” damnation. He escaped his fiery prison with the aid of Fry and Leela, and for some odd reason, the Robot Devil hasn’t ever bothered to truly pursue his robotic soul. The odd thing with the Robot Devil was that he was unaltered from his original form. He did not look like a unicorn, or a pegasus, or a pony; he looked like a normal robot leaning against an apple tree. The Robot Devil opened his mouth to speak. “Greetings, Bender! I do hope that you’re enjoying your stay on the planet of Equestria.” “This planet is probably the crappiest of all the planets I’ve ever been to! There’s no alcohol, no cigars, and it’s too damn hard to steal much of anything in this form! Especially since these damn ponies can notice the smallest of details!” He crossed his arms in anger and whispered. “I’d probably be happier in your hell-hole of a place..." The Robot Devil leaned over and held his hand up to his horn. “What was that, Bender? You want more damnation? Alrighty then! Gentlemen?” Music began playing in the background and the hellish robot grabbed a top hat and cane. “No! No! Stop it! I never said anything!” The music abruptly stopped, and the Robot Devil threw away his hat and cane. “What the hell are you doing here, anyway?” “Well, it’s quite simple, Bender! You see, the planet of Equestria is simply the purest and sweetest planet in the whole of the universe! While there are still evils here, those evils are so adorable, petite, and benign compared to the rest of the universe’s evils.” He stated, looking down on Bender. “And so, because of this, I was contacted by a higher power to download a virus into your software. That virus prevents you from wishing up objects that would cast evil unto this world, such as alcohol or cigars.” Bender began to boil up with rage. “What?!?!? Who the hell is this ‘higher power’? Well tell that higher power that they can bite my shiny, metal ass! I need alcohol! All robots need alcohol to function properly! And then they deprive me of my cigars... Damn them! Damn them all to whichever hell they’re supposed to go to!” After venting all his rage in the manner of ranting, Bender has finally broken down, balling up on the grass and beginning to cry at the realization of a ban of alcohol and cigars on the planet. “Come now, Bender! You’ve done this before, haven’t you? When you were addicted to jacking on and getting a high from electricity? It’s for the better, isn’t it? I’m willing to make a deal with you. If you manage to spend the entire time on this trip without committing one single sin, I shall call off the chase to hunt you down and damnate you.” Bender sniffled, and stood up abruptly. “Hey, wait a minute! You’re trying to trick me, aren’t you? You haven’t been chasing me down! I haven’t seen any of your minions chasing after me or trying to kill me!” “Oh, but we have, Bender! All those times that something terrible has happened to you or your crew, it has always been us. We’ve been trying to not only stop you from sinning, but we’ve also been trying to drag you back to Robot Hell,” he stated in an almost sing-song voice, dancing around the robot pony. “Oh really?” said Bender skeptically. “Name one thing that you did to me or my crew that was so ‘terrible’” The Robot Devil suddenly stopped dancing, and starting looking around the orchard as if for an answer. “Well, there was that one ti- GOODBYE!” The air fizzed with electricity, meaning that the Robot Devil was broadcasting that message live to him via hologram. “Well, better get a move on, I guess. Maybe I can try and make my own beer? Or...” Bender looked around at the apple trees, laughing maniacally as he hatched a perfect plan and defy the Robot Devil’s wish to prevent him from ruining this “perfect world”. But, in order to do so, he would have to recieve a bit of help from really anyone who was stupid and uneducated enough to aid him in his nasty plot. Though he was stuck in the middle of the orchard, he was able to make his way quite easily towards one of surprisingly many dirt roads that were scattered around the orchard; the place was just so big that made it harder to locate. And so, the robot began his journey towards the orchard’s barn, or house, or whatever they had to keep tools and apples and whatnot in. He could only assume that they had one, since most do anyway. After thinking of a few more things to tie up some loose ends of his plan, Bender grudgingly began trudging along the dirt pathway. The power levels in his tanks had become dangerously low, so his progress was extremely slow-going. The poor machine had never experienced such low levels of power since that one time he converted himself to a Bending Unit model made entirely of flimsy wood. But even then he decided it was best for him to go into power-saving mode, which made it much easier on his batteries. But in this case, he had to work against a fairly steep slope with a battery level of four percent, decreasing fairly rapidly judging on the rate he was going. But this is due to the fact that Bending Units were never designed with efficiency or the environment in mind. Their only objective was to bend steel girders with complete disregard for the safety of other lifeforms. And yet, even though his battery was nearly drained, Bender still managed to somehow move along dreadfully slow, as he would occasionally pick apples and ferment them with advanced technology. In doing so, he was able to get a small bit of alcohol from them, but he then discarded this process completely, as the amount of energy created from the aging of the apples was far less than the amount of energy needed to age them. His energy levels had reached to such a low level that Bender was forced to shut down half of his body. So, now it appeared as if Bender had suffered a major stroke, as his right eye was completely black from it being powered down, and he was somehow crawling along with both of his left legs while his right legs dragged along the ground. He was quite miserable at this stage, and was beginning to think it would be best to just power down and be left to rust, or until one of his friends came along and gave him some booze. But, as he was almost considering this dreadful feat, he saw on the next hill a long line of the colored ponies. A very long line of ponies. So many that the line reached almost all the way back to the hill he was standing atop of now. He was slightly curious about this, even though he was about to die. And his interest was piqued when he began to hear chanting going along the lines of: Cider! Cider! Apple Cider! Cider! Cider! Apple Cider! Suddenly, the robot felt a burst of energy run through his system, as his processor involuntarily booted up a small backup power cell in the depths of his mechanical anatomy. It would only provide about thirty minutes of pure, incredible power for robots in desperate need of refueling, only when they sense a source of fuel somewhere. “Boooooooooooooooooozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!” Bender screamed at the top of his audio device, which caused all the other ponies to look backward towards the top of the hill in bewilderment. Without a second thought, and being bent on pure energy, Bender plowed through the entire line in a blind scurry for alcohol, knocking over many ponies who were patiently waiting in line for cider. In a matter of seconds, Bender could already see the source which caused the long line: theApple Family’s Cider stand! Bender knocked over the rainbow pegasus standing in front of the stand, who had just received her own mug of cider. But, because of this, she spilt the entire contents of the mug onto the dirt path, causing her to tear up and fly away ever so quickly screaming, “No! Not again! Every year! Ev-er-y year!” The orange country mare standing behind the stand stood there in sheer confusion, as did her relatives. Bender leaned over the stand and yelled “Cider! NOOOOWWWWWW!” And so, in fear of getting harmed or something of the sort, the family quickly produced a mug filled to the brim with cider. In all their years of Cider Season, they have never seen this armored unicorn, nor have they ever seen a pony step out of line with reckless abandon for the safety of everypony. Anywho, getting back to the current situation at hand. Without truly knowing how to react to this pony, they simply handed over a mug to him with the haze of complete befuddlement. Bender snatched the mug from the small foal who was pouring the cider for their customers, who quickly cowered underneath the stand. Bender cocked back his head and let gravity do the work of pouring a stream of cider down his throat, only for him to spit it all out again. He looked the orange mare directly in the eyes, getting extremely close to her face and causing her to back up a tad. “What the hell is this?!? This isn’t Hard Cider! Don’t you damn ponies know how to make decent booze!” he jumped up and destroyed their entire stand in blind rage. Bender could sense his backup power cell beginning to run low, and he was starting to calm down and revert back to regular old Bender again. So, using the remaining energy he had, he ran at extremely fast speeds, almost topping 500 miles per hour, around the entire orchard to find some ingredients. He dashed into the family’s kitchen and grabbed many, many things: yeast, sugar, pots and pans, matches, and also stole many firewood logs. He then rushed back towards the stand, where the family was helping all the ponies in the line get up and began to assess the damage to their stand. The orange mare looked across the hill. “He’s back, y’all! Hide! I don’t know who he is or what he wants, but Ah don’t think he has good intentions!” And so, all the ponies either ran away or hid in various places that were close by. Bender began setting up a small brewing stand for hard cider. His power cell was starting to run dry, and it would cause him to revert back to regular power and feel quite sluggish and drowsy. So, he did his work quickly, adding in the cider, sugar, yeast, and other various ingredients into the pot, and put it over the flame. He had to use even more power to create a starter and speed up the process at which the yeast would ferment, and other various tasks included in the making of hard cider. In a matter of minutes, the robot had created a large vat of hot cider, which he gulped down all for himself in sweet relief, pausing only once to look up and say with delight “Oh Bender, you sure do know how to make booze!” And so, with his fuel cells completely full, he let loose a very large stream of flames from his exhaust pipe, catching fire to a few nearby apple trees. This, of course, caused the family of apple ponies to come out of their terrible hiding spots and try their best to douse the flames to save their beloved apple trees. Seeing as Bender was fairly satisfied with his fuel cells fully recharged again, he decided it was a wonderful idea to begin brewing his own cider, hard cider, to sell to all of Equestria. He didn’t give two damns about what the Robot Devil said, mostly because he was lying out of his metallic ass and trying to get Bender to revert back to Robotology. It wasn’t going to happen for a billion years, most likely. So, with newfound strength, Bender began to build his own stand on the family’s farm, right next to their own stand mind you. With the family’s precious trees safe and uncooked again, the orange mare looked up and spotted the metallic colt doing many unsatisfying things-like he already had not. She of course would not let this stand. “Yeah! What y’all think you’re doin’? This is the Apple Family’s farm, and Ah don’t care if yer a metal psychopath or whatever you are, but you need to get off our property.” the orange mare got really close to Bender’s face. “Or we’ll do it for you.” she said in a menacing whisper. Of course, when anyone begins to harm the Apples’ trees, the orange mare Applejack will immediately without hesitation defend the trees. All fear of this crazy new chrome pony had left her body. Bender did not walk off, nor did he go into another fit of rage at the Apple ponies. He calmly leaned on the fence he was next to and looked into the orange mare’s eyes. He, of course, had a plan to take advantage of these ponies and defy the Robot Devil’s wishes. “My dear, I must apologize for my behavior beforehand. You see, I have gone for quite some time without a delicious beverage to aid my dreadful disorder, in which I begin to go berserk after long periods of dehydration.” Bender, of course, did not mean this at all, and he knew better than to reveal that he was a robot to the ponies, even though it was fairly obvious. “I am now trying to remedy this solution by creating another stand for you and your dear family members. I will do anything to help you repair the damage I’ve caused.” The orange mare blushed slightly at the fact of how much of a gentlecolt this pony was. “Oh, well, I guess it’s alright, if ya have a disorder an’ all... Just as long as you promise to fix everythin’ up, mister...?” “Bender, m’lady.” Bender was really pulling out all the stops. He was dying slightly inside because of how flirty he was being, but not to get into this mare’s pants. (He had to admit, that he did find her slightly appealing, but it was most likely due to the fact that his anatomy had changed greatly.) “Well, nice to meet ya, Bender! Mah name’s Applejack, and this is Granny Smith.” She pointed to the elderly green pony walking feebly towards the two ponies introducing themselves. “My brother, Big Mac.” He was a large red stallion who was well built. “And my little sister Applebloom.” A small pony with a tan coat and a giant bow in her mane walked up, slightly scared of the mysterious pony. “A pleasure to meet you all.” Stated Bender in his bullshit gentleman voice. Applejack promptly turned away from the conversation, as she had a pressing matter to attend to: the ponies who had been knocked over and scurried to find a hiding spot. “Listen y’all, cider season is going to be postponed for a while due to the sudden turn of events.” All the ponies who were still at the farm poked their heads out from behind the trees or the clouds, depending on what breed they were, of course. “We’re all quite sorry to tell ya this, but we’ll do our best to get operations running again soon.” All the ponies immediately turned around, moaning and groaning about how something terrible seems to happen ever cider season. Applejack turned back to her family and Bender. “Well, how are we gonna make our quota this year? Mister Bender here appears to have drank all our remainin’ cider, and not only that, most ponies seem to have been turned off of cider season because of how limited our supply is every year.” “I think I have a suggestion,” Bender chimed in, arousing all of the Earth ponies’ suspicions. “Well, it isn’t too hard to create regular apple cider, all you need to do is get those ‘perfect’ apples, and then squeeze them and let it sit overnight to create a pure liquid. But... I have a plan that is sure to bring major profit to you and your family. You see the little stand I made here? It’s a brewery to create hard cider. Hard cider has alcohol in it, which is probably one of the best things ever created! I can guarantee you that it’ll be a major success with all the ponies of Ponyville.” The Apples were unsure as to what they should do. Should they really trust him? They were merely putting up a bit of a guise as to make him believe they trusted him, but they were trying to act calm towards the pony since he seemed prone to causing mass havoc and also they had no idea what the hell he was. They debated and pondered this issue for quite a good while, and decided it was best to go along with this plan, seeing as they had not many other options to choose from, and they were quite strapped for bits as it was at the moment. “We’ll do it. Anything you need to accomplish your plan to add ‘al-kee-hawl’ to our cider, we’ll get it or do it fer ya,” Applejack said with a worried look on her face. “Oh, I hope this plan works...” And the plan was working! But definitely not in the Apple’s favor-at least, to end with. Bender’s plan was extremely simple and pretty fool-proof. He had even devised a simple checklist: Fool the owners of the apple orchard into trusting him. (Check!) Make hard cider for not only his personal use, but for the other inhabitants of the planet, too. (Check!) Cause havoc and make the world into a crime-ridden place. (Getting there!) So, Bender was getting two things out of his hair-brained scheme: one being alcohol to recharge his fuel cells, and two being the ability to perform crime without all the inhabitants making a big deal out of it. It had taken almost a whole night and a day, but Bender and the entire Apple family had pulled it off - they had reconstructed the stand, created a large amount of pure apple cider from apples that Granny Smith had approved of, and brewed it all into numerous barrels of hard cider. It seems like a truly impossible feat, but they were somehow able to pull it off (mostly because Bender was able to use his magic and robotic abilities.) And the big day had finally arrived. The Apples had announced that they had happily created numerous amounts of their new and improved recipe for what they called “Special Feel-Good Apple Cider”. This was because the entire family had sampled a whole bottle each, and of course, since not a single pony on the planet had ever been exposed to alcohol before, had gotten drunk in a matter of minutes. Because news spread around town like a wildfire that the Apples had created a new brand of apple cider, and had numerous amounts of it, practically every single resident of Ponyville and the inhabitants living around it showed up; even a few upper class snobs from Canterlot had gotten word of it, and as they put it, “Simply have to try this new ‘awl-koh-hawl’." and how it would probably "Taste simply ravishing in tandem with a wonderful glass of grape juice." In less than an hour or so, the Apple family had gotten rid of their entire batch, and everypony was capable of getting at least five mugs each, especially the one rainbow pegasus, who had somehow met Fry along the way. “Hey Fry, how’s it goin’?” said Bender as he began cleaning a mug. “Oh, pretty good. These wings are awesome! I was able to do some sort of cool thing where my ass lit a rainbow in the sky or something like that, and I broke the sound barrier.” “Good for you. Now buy a mug or get out!” said Bender rudely, and Fry, being the idiot he is, purchased a single mug with the money he “borrowed” from his rainbow friend. Now all Bender had to do was wait. And it really wasn’t a long wait, actually. He barely had time to look at five minutes of his ten thousand terabytes of porn stored in his hard drive before there began to come rumors of regular ponies who had gone sour, angry, and thirsting for more cider. And the most wonderful part about all this was that the ponies were committing so many crimes that had never even been conceived of occurring. So many, in fact, the palace guard from Canterlot had to come in to try their best to ease the situation, but to no avail whatsoever. “Catch you all on the flip side, ponybags!” said Bender, as he dashed towards the town square yelling in glee. The Apple family waved goodbye in bewilderment, right as the coin box holding all the profit they made from the hard cider was stolen from them by Derpy Hooves, who was handling the alcohol not too well. Bender looked at the town across from a distant hill which led towards the farm. Fires, riots, guards, and screaming as far as the eye could see. “This sounds like it’s gonna be fun on a bun!” yelled Bender, as he kept galloping towards the city. He began going crazy. He didn’t care what precisely he did, he just wanted to commit crimes. He did a bit a stealing, he punched a bunch of guards, who had pretty much given up the whole thing by now, and he probably even did a few more serious crimes... Like stealing candy from a foal. That’s a serious offense. Bender really didn’t remember much of what precisely he did, but all he knew was that he was elated at the fact he was a part of it. And when the whole town was finished being pillaged, he could lead his alcohol-driven hoard towards other towns, and become King Bender the Great, of Equestria! But it appeared that Bender’s ambitions were too far-fetched and outlandish, for not long after he had filled his arms and compartment up with junk from other pony’s homes and businesses, other ponies began stealing the stuff he stole. They would simply come up to him, perhaps knock him over, and then steal anything that he may have dropped. “Hey! Come back here you little bastards!” he yelled as he chased after two ugly unicorns with the marks of a snail and scissors, who had simply picked up all the stuff he was carrying with magic. His plan was failing completely now. Not only were other ponies stealing stuff from him, but they were also beating him up and just being really mean to him in general. As Bender looked across the road with a tear in his robotic eye, he saw a familiar silhouetted figure hiding in an alleyway. He crawled over to him, hurt and broken. “Please... help... I’ve done something terrible...” The pony looked down. “Sweet Celestia of Equestria, I’ll say you’ve done something terrible, mon!”
Prologue: Another PlanetHunched over a large telescope-looking object, was a wrinkly old man with a lab coat and light blue slippers. The old man was none other than the famous Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, creator of robots, and founder of Planet Express Shipping Company. He was busy at work on his Smelloscope, a device capable of giving the user scents from any solid object in space, as he recorded the smells of different planets for future use. He smelt the terrible odor coming from Guano 8, a planet infested with bat people, and his nose curled at the stench while he recorded his findings. He adjusted various levers and knobs, moving the Smelloscope slightly to the left. He placed his nostrils upon two small pipes, inhaling deeply. It smelled of flowers and cake in an old barnyard, but he had never smelled such a scent in all of his lifetime. He was quite curious about the unknown planet, for he had thought, for sure, all planets in the entire universe had been discovered and mapped. He scribbled down some notes, but soon stopped, as the Smelloscope couldn’t provide enough information for a good report of the planet. So, he gathered his things and went to the New, New York Observatory. He walked outside to the nearest transport tube, the fast way to travel across the city thanks to vacuum suction, hopped inside, and was whizzed off towards the observatory. It shined in the sunlight, with its beautiful dome and large, powerful telescope that could see millions of light years away. The Professor passed through the doors, and signed up to use the telescope for “Personal Studies”. Luckily, the telescope wasn’t in use at the moment, so the Professor only had to wait a few minutes for it to be prepped. He set his things down on a table near the telescope, and put his eye up to the lens as he adjusted the telescope to the proper coordinates. He nearly had a heart attack from what he had found; absolutely nothing. He was confused. How can something that is nonexistent be capable of making such an odd smell? He checked his coordinates again, to find that they were correct as well. He proceeded to write down as many observations he could possibly manage, and then went back outside to take another tube back to Planet Express. “Odd news, everyone!” The Professor said as he walked into the break room. Everyone turned their attention onto him, who was as giddy as a schoolgirl. "I have discovered an invisible object in space in a faraway galaxy with the Smelloscope! We need to travel there and make observations, and possibly test dangerous chemicals on any possible inhabitants." He rubbed his hands together and laughed maniacally. Leela stood up to prepare the ship for space travel. “Alright then. Fry and Bender, help the Professor load the ship with anything he needs. I'll be doing a routine check to make sure we're ship shape for a long distance space flight." "Awww, why do we have to do all the grunt work?" moaned Bender as he walked down the hallway with Fry. The trip would most likely end up being another one of the Professor's boring space flights, possibly ending with a wrecked Planet Express Ship. But, his circuits sparked and his fans whirred as he formulated a plan that would get him through this impending boredom. "Hey Fry, I'm sure this is just gonna be another crappy space flight. So, I think we should spice things up with a little contest..." He opened up his chest cavity, and pulled out a plastic bag filled with a black and dark green substance, with orange specks throughout it. "What the hell is that?" asked Fry, backing up as he got a whiff of it. It smelled like all the garbage dumps on the world populated by a million Zoidbergs. "This, my human friend, is the gunk underneath Zoidberg's armpit. You don't wanna know what I had to do to get this." He said, tucking the bag back into his compartment. "So what's the contest, and what are the stakes?" said Fry, clearly interested. "We’re gonna to prank the crew and anyone else we meet. First one to a hundred pranks wins bragging rights and five bucks. The loser has to eat that Zoidberg stuff." The robot extended his metal claw for a handshake, "So, what do you say?" Fry grasped the claw, and the contest officially began. It had taken about an hour to load up the ship with everything necessary for the trip, as the Professor's equipment was heavy, and there was the possibility that there wasn’t any food or water on the space object. But, sweat/oil soaked Fry and Bender were glad they were able to finish the job, and they could now focus on their little contest. Shortly after loading, the rest of the crew boarded the ship. While Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, and Scruffy usually didn’t come, the Professor needed all the help he could get; with his frail, one-hundred and seventy-year old body, recording data along with other small tasks proved to be difficult for him. Leela sat behind the wheel, and prepared the ship for a smooth, safe take-off. Ah, it was a thing of beauty. It had a sleek, aerodynamic hull and three wings complete with rudders to help it steer. At the back were the many dark matter engines that thrusted the ship by actually moving the universe around it, instead of actually being propelled through space. When landing, the two lower wings served as landing gear while another leg lowered itself from the hull and served as a way of getting to and from the ship. The paint was a solid green, complete with the Planet Express logo, a the name of the company surrounding a ship flying. And, to protect against nasty space pirates, a turret was mounted on the top and was usually controlled by Fry. Sadly, the thing is cheap and can barely withstand taking off from Earth, seeing as the Professor uses most money to fund his experiments. Leela prepared to blast off. She turned the key, and the engines of the ship sprang to life. Leela pulled up on the wheel, causing the rockets to spew hot flames, allowing the ship to rise out of the hanger through the open bay doors, which were two sliding red gates that were located on the top of the Planet Express building.. Leela pulled on the wheel some more, making her way out of Earth's atmosphere and soon past Pluto, heading towards the strange object. “Alright, everyone, this space flight will be quite the journey, and I’ve enabled the auto-pilot. So, we need to conserve oxygen by going into hypersleep for a few hours. Follow me to the bed chambers so we can rest up.” stated Leela. Fry hung up a few extra hammocks in his and Bender’s room. It technically wasn’t even a room, more of a closet. It had two hammocks for Fry and Bender by a window. It had a short length and an even shorter width, making it very cramped. They all climbed into the uncomfortable hammocks, while Leela and the Professor were sleeping in their own large comfortable chambers. While it wasn’t ideal for the rest of the crew, they didn’t want to die from lack of oxygen. It was what Leela guessed about three hours of hypersleep until the ship alerted her that their destination was coming up. She rubbed her one large eye in the middle of her face, and tried to make her purple hair presentable. She could get bed hair extremely easily. She walked out of her quarters, and banged on Fry and Bender’s compartment. “We’re arriving to the invisible object in about half-an-hour, so get up and help me get everything ready.” She did the same with the Professor, who moaned a bit, but finally got up after being persistent. Leela got behind the wheel to prepare a possible entry or collision with the object, while the others gathered around various controls in the bridge, except for Zoidberg. Zoidberg can’t do much of any good with his lobster claws. “Then what should I do, exactly? Need someone to clean the ship? Why not Zoidberg?” He said, with his mouth tentacles flopping. “That’d be my job.” said Scruffy, reclining in his seat. “Who are you?” asked Zoidberg. “Scruffy... the janitor.” “Zoidberg, all I want you to do is stand there and do nothing. Like I already said, you can’t be much help unless we have a medical emergency. And you aren’t much help with that, either.” said Leela. Dr. Zoidberg stood there as he was told with his head held low, and let out a weird, deep noise. “We’re approaching the object! According to the radar, this object is spherical, so it may be a planet, which means it could very well be inhabited!” said the Professor. The ship gave a slight jerk, and the Professor checked another screen on the dashboard. “Ah! It is a planet, as we’re getting pulled towards it by a gravity as strong as Earth’s. I also see that there is an atmosphere just like Earth, except... That can’t be right! We’d be dead by now!” The Professor clasped his forehead and began to pace about the bridge. “Bad news, everyone! Not only is the atmosphere similar to Earth’s it also has odd light wavelengths way off the Electromagnetic Spectrum! It’s a miracle how we aren’t burnt to a crisp yet, and the ship is still in tact!” The Professor continued to pace around. “Not only that, but it has some sort of odd effect on anything getting into it, and has a very strong pull to it somehow! We’re going to crash!” The crew gasped, except for Scruffy, who was busy poking his nose into some old Playboy magazines. Lights began to flare and sirens were blaring at maximum volume, warning the crew of their imminent doom as they approached ever closer to the mysterious planet’s surface. The closer they were, though, the more they could make out what was awaiting them on the surface. Instead of a dreadful, barren landscape due to the radiation, it appeared to be a peaceful meadow filled with flowers, and creeks running off towards a forest surrounding it. But, that didn’t change the fact that they’re gonna crash. “Everyone! Grab onto something and brace for impact! We’re entering the atmosphere!” commanded Leela. Everyone held tight to anything they could find that was solid. The ship began to enter the deadly atmosphere, as it became a steam cooker. The ship was losing parts quickly, and was bending under all the pressure from the mysterious wavelengths of light. After exiting what the Professor believed to be the Exosphere, the whole bridge was covered in a blinding light brighter than the Sun itself. The ship was descending even quicker than before, and they were dropping through layer upon layer of the atmosphere until they reached the Troposphere. The ship came into contact with the ground with the loud song of metal being crushed as even more parts were flying off. The ship skidded across the plain, leaving a trail of dirt and rubble behind it, as it came to a halt. The crew, while slightly dazed and bruised, were relatively okay, and had miraculously survived the crash without dying. The Professor was the first to emerge from the smoking rubble, and tripped from all the dizziness. The rest of the crew followed, coughing up various pieces of debris as they checked to make sure they were okay. But, something was amiss. They weren’t standing upon two feet, but instead, four hooves. Their body was covered in a coat, and they had a mane (all except for Zoidberg, the Professor, and Bender). They all still had their regular clothes, they were just ponies that could still talk. The Professor was somehow able to get out a scanner from his lab coat, even though he now lacked fingers. He scanned the whole crew, and fiddling with the buttons. “Interesting news, everyone! The massive radiation in the atmosphere has morphed us into equine creatures! Magical equines at that, seeing as I can somehow hold this scanner.” Everyone was examining every inch of their new forms, and getting use to new appendages and walking on four legs. The crew was in awe at the beautiful landscape they had come upon. It was like they had gone back to a time where skyscrapers, highways, and pollution were nonexistent, and all that was there were rolling hills of grass, fauna-filled forests, and skies as clear as crystal. Off in the distance was a small town consisting of cozy houses and a large apple orchard. The Professor couldn’t explain it, but for some reason, happiness and friendship emanated from the houses. It tugged him, beckoning him to enjoy the lovely town. Well, that was mostly because it was probably the only place they’d find supplies. “While this is all fine and dandy, remember that we have a wrecked ship on our hands! Or hooves... Either way we don’t have a way to get home!” said Hermes impatiently. “Oh yes, yes! That is an issue, isn’t it?” The Professor said, examining the ship with a hoof on his chin. “Well, looks like we’ll have to go to that town to get parts and fuel, as it seems the rest of the dark matter in the ship burned up from the atmosphere radiation.” Even though he originally wanted to torture the natives, his new mission was to get off this lovely planet. He longed for his doomsday devices and death rays back in New New York. “Let’s get moving, goddammit! I may drop dead any second!” So, they began the mile or so journey to the town, in hopes that they have discovered dark matter fuel instead of regular, fossil fuels or retarded “environmentally friendly” fuel. The closer they got to the town, the more they could see of it. The buildings were far from today’s standards of building. They consisted of wood, stone, and thatched roofs, although some had more advanced brick or shingles. The apple orchard was even larger up close; it would take hours to harvest all the apples even with futuristic technology. The closer they got the more curious the Professor became as to how the locals pulled off these feats, seeing as they were equine. It took about an hour to get there, mostly because the Professor is a turtle, and the fact that the crew had to adapt to walking on four legs. It’s like learning how to walk again, with a lot of tripping and slow moving. But, the crew did prevail, and finally got the hang of walking normally. They just hoped they wouldn’t have to run anywhere anytime soon. Upon entering the town, they were greeted with many happy, talking colorful ponies just like them, along with the marks on their flanks, except for the younger ponies.The Professor assumed that these marks were tattooed on their flanks as a brutal, tribal tradition. After walking around a little while, they came upon the town square, right in front of city hall and next to the marketplace. “Now only if we can find someone who doesn’t think we’re crazy when we say we’re not from this planet, so that I can interview them and their culture, then we can get the hell off of here!” said the Professor. Suddenly, a regular pink pony that smelled of cotton candy came bounding in out of nowhere, with a huge smile on her face. When she came close to the crew, she stopped short, and let out a huge gasp. “Hello, new friends! I’m Pinkie Pie! I know that you’re new because I know everyone in Ponyville! So, where are you from and what are your names?” She asked rapidly. “Well, you seem crazy enough to believe anything. Perfect for the situation we’re in! We’re from a distant planet called “Earth” where we deliver packages through space in our now totaled spaceship. It’s all just to fund my crazy inventions and doomsday devices. We’re looking for someone to help us rebuild our ship so we can off this god-forsaken planet!” said the Professor. Thankfully, Pinkie Pie believed every word of their story, because she truly was crazy and deserved to be locked up in an insane asylum. She became acquainted with the entire crew, and said that she may now some ‘pony’ as she said, that could be of assistance. Of course, the conversation didn’t just stop there. She was quite curious about life on Earth and was freaking out that she was talking to pony-looking aliens. She was so excited that the Professor thought for sure she would die of a heart attack. Soon, the crew came upon a giant tree, that was extremely peculiar. It seemed as though these ponies were somehow able to carve out the entire tree, and install windows, doors, and other features, such as balconies and lights, to make it a house. It was truly an amazing feat, as the Professor didn’t notice a single car on the entire planet, so he assumed their technology wasn’t as greatly developed as Earth’s. Pinkie Pie came up to the tree, and knocked on the door with a picture of a candle on it. A female voice called out saying “Spike, could you go answer the door, please?” To which a bratty, teenage-sounding voice replied, “Sure Twilight.” The door was opened by a purple scaled reptile about pony-waist high with dull, green spikes all along his spine and ending on top of his head. “Oh hi Pinkie! What do you nee-” He cut short after looking over her shoulder and seeing the entire crew. “Oh, who are your new friends?” He walked outside, with a small smile on his face; he was obviously happy to meet anyone new. “They’re not regular ponies, Spike! They’re aliens from this place called “Earth”! I thought the best person to take them to was Twi, seeing as she’s all sciency and booky and stuff!” Pinkie was circling Spike while describing this, as she was extremely hyper from meeting aliens. “Uh... yeah. Sure. Listen, Twilight’s pretty busy doing something for the Princess, so why don’t you ask Rarity or somepony else?” There’s that use of “somepony” instead of someone. It was beginning to get on the Professor’s nerves a bit for no good reason. He was also curious about a pony princess. Obviously the dumbos hadn’t switched from a Monarchy to a Representative form of government. “No Spike! We need to see Twilight! This is super duper uber schooper wooper important! This isn’t some sort of game! I cross to heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!” She did little motions while saying the last sentence, such as running her hoof across her chest quickly, doing the same motion in the air, then finally poking herself in the eye with the same hoof. An soft, but audible “ow” was heard, but she was still holding her ground of getting into this tree house. “All right... if you’re going to be that persistent,” said the reptile as he turned around to look at the door, “Twilight! Pinkie’s here to see you, and she says she has some aliens!” The same female voice from before let out a loud sigh, and a light, purple unicorn appeared at the door with an annoyed look on her face, who was supposedly Twilight. “What do you want now, Pinkie?” Twilight looked at the crew, “So these are the ‘aliens’, huh? Well they look alot like ponies to me.” She began to examine the crew by lifting up their legs, poking them, and sometimes getting very close to their “no-no places”, until she came upon Bender and Zoidberg. “Interesting! A pony made entirely out of metal! Ooh! And a pony without a coat or tail; just solid shell and fins! These are some pretty good costumes, Pinkie!” She poked Bender’s rear for no apparent reason. “Hey, stop it! If you want to poke around there, then you can bite my shiny, ponified ass!” said Bender rudely. Twilight was taken aback by the robot’s cruel language, as swearing isn’t something that happens often in Equestria. But, she got back to conversing with Pinkie. “This is taking too damn long. I’m going to go have fun with these wings and look around a bit.” said Fry, as he clumsily began to flap his new wings and took off the ground, nearly crashing into the side of a house. “I agree with Fry. Professor, you can stick around with the locals and see if you can get spare parts and fuel from them. The rest of us should probably go look around for a restaurant, ‘cause I’m starving.” said Leela. The rest of the crew agreed, and left the Professor to deal with the arguing ponies. “Damn kids.” said the Professor, looking back at his worthless crew. But, he had a job to do. “Excuse me, but I think I have something to say now.” The ponies stopped, and looked at the Professor. “You see, we crash landed on this planet due to your terrible radioactive atmosphere, and we desperately need parts and fuel so we can get back home!” “See! I told you they were aliens!” said Pinkie, but Twilight still wasn’t convinced. She wanted proof, and she intended to do it... with SCIENCE! “Okay then, I hope you wouldn’t mind if I were to run a few tests on you.” said Twilight. She was hoping the old crone would be unwilling, as no pony in their right mind would have tests run on them if they weren’t aliens. “Not at all! Being a scientist myself, I understand scientific evidence is vital to reaching a conclusion!” Twilight was a little shocked by the Professor’s reply, but promptly walked over to the library door, opened it, and waved her hoof to welcome the Professor inside. The Professor trotted in, slightly concerned about finding parts and fuel. He could care less, of course, about his crew. But little did he know, they were having the time of their lives on this new land.
The ProfessorThe Professor stepped into the ancient library and was met with the smell of dusty old tomes and lumber; which was expected of a library built into a tree. He was impressed at how simple, equine creatures were capable of pulling off such a feat as to carving out a tree to build a library, and still keep the tree alive. The walls were carved so that it could be filled with books of all shapes, sizes, and colors, all neatly organized. It came as a shock to the Professor that he actually was able to understand what the books said on their covers, as the letters weren't anything like those on Earth. Perhaps the strange radiation in the atmosphere caused something to happen to his brain? It was the only logical explanation, so he promptly opened up a book at random and skimmed through it. After reading only about a paragraph, a purple aura surrounded the book and placed it back onto the shelf which it was situated. "My, I guess the radiation in the atmosphere does affect the surface." said the Professor, quite puzzled. Twilight raised an eyebrow at this. "You've never seen or heard of magic before?" "Wha? Magic? Bouldercrap! That concept is old and ridiculous! Which is why Disney bought all rights to it, along with Star Wars! Now that I think about it... I'm surprised they don't own me yet," the Professor argued. He's just an old crone, Twilight. Ignore him and his odd ideas, she thought to herself while rolling her eyes. "Now then, let's not waste any time, shall we? If you'll follow me down to the lab, we can begin a full analysis of your organs, DNA, and a full scan of your brain." She then proceeded to use her "magic" to open a door leading down to a basement. "Pinkie, stay up here if you would, please." "Okie dokie lokie!" she replied happily. Following the unicorn down some dirt stairs, he came upon a laboratory filled with many bits of beeping and flashing technology, chemistry sets, and books related to the sciences. "Oh my, with this technology, it would take hours to get any reliable data," the Professor scoffed, as all the machinery and tools were quite primitive, dating back to the year 2010 or so. "Here, use this instead to analyze my entire being instead." He threw Twilight his handy little gadget he had used after the crew had crashed. Twilight caught it with her magic, and was astounded by the technology in her aura, as it was far more advanced than any equipment available to scientists on the entire planet. She fiddled with the many switches and pressed many of the buttons, trying to figure out how to use the thing. "I could show you how it works, if you'd like," the Professor said, wiping sweat from his mane-less head, as it was quite humid in the basement. "No, no. I want to figure this out myself..." she replied. Twilight's mind was racing a mile a minute. She could not believe that Pinkie Pie could possibly be right about such an outlandish remark such as aliens from another planet; the evidence was present, and it was right in front of her eyes: the old, wrinkly pony with otherworldly knowledge and the amazingly technologically-advanced device. While Twilight was trying to figure out how the device worked, the Professor thought it would be a good time to learn a bit about their species and culture, and poke his nose into some of their tomes. He picked up a book at random, ending up with the title Basic Biology of the Equestrian Pony: Volume I. How lucky to find a book about just what he was looking for! He proceeded to flip through the pages to learn of the three different species of equine creatures. After reading the first chapter or so, he was able to gather that there are actually four species of equine creatures, the fourth being the ever rare "alicorn", who are supposedly only princesses. He was also able to find out a few things about his new form. For instance, he was an Earth pony, meaning he did not possess wings or a horn atop his head. He also learned that the atom symbol placed upon his ass was called a "cutie mark", and was earned whenever one finds the thing that they're best at. Right when the Professor reached possibly the best chapter of the book, Mating, the damned unicorn was able to figure out how to use the thing by reverse-engineering it, and then making a similar one of her own that had frilly flowers painted on it. After configuring the now pony-friendly device, Twilight scanned the Professor's body. By now, it would have been quicker to use the equipment already available to them in the laboratory, but Twilight didn't really care; she had made the largest scientific breakthrough of all time. In a matter of seconds, loads of data came streaming into the device's screen, all readily available to be accessed by Twilight. Upon looking at the major bits of information, Twilight's heart skipped a few beats. "No... it can't be... This can't be right!" she said in disbelief. Twilight wiped all the data that was presently on the device and did a total reset, as she was sure it was a glitch from it still technically being a prototype. She then configured it again, and scanned the Professor once more. Once again, loads of data piled onto the screen, and Twilight opened all the major files, and she thought she would faint and have a heart failure. "P... Pink... Pinkie was right. You... you..." "Are an alien from another world? Yes, yes I am. Now then, we need to discuss the matter of me getting off this godforsaken place!" Twilight was still trying to wrap her brain around the fact that Pinkie was right for once. She simply sat there, her left eye twitching and her mouth wide open. The Professor trotted over to her, and waved his hoof in front of her eyes, thankfully snapping her out of her delirious state. "S-sorry. I'm still trying to grasp the fact that my friend wasn't acting crazy as usual," she said a bit shakily as she stood up. "Now then, I guess we need to help you get off our planet?" "For the millionth time, yes. The part that worries me the most is if you've discovered the type of fuel our ship uses." "And what may that be?" asked a curious Twilight. "Dark matter. It's the only fuel that will suffice for the engines of the ship, as anything else will cause them to explode." The Professor's face grew a creepy smile at the word "explode". Twilight was taken aback. "Dark matter? You mean the substance that is only found in the depths of the universe? Sorry, but I doubt that there are any bits of dark matter in Equestria at all." "Take a scan of the surface of the planet to see if there are any reserves," said the Professor. Twilight did as told, and began to fiddle with the device for a third time, configuring it to do what the Professor said to do. After only five minutes or so, the device came back with a scan of the entire planet's surface, and one hundred feet above and below ground. This device kept Twilight amazed every time she used it. "Oh my gosh, there is dark matter in the depths of Equestria! It's right below Canterlot, our capital city!" Twilight jumped at this, as she was making scientific breakthroughs in a matter of minutes. She would be the envy of all scientists! Looking back at the device, though, she frowned. "Sadly, it seems to be in a very small vein." "Doesn't matter! All we need is enough to get us off this planet, then we can deploy the solar sails! It may take longer, but I'll do anything to get off of here!" "Anything else you'll be needing? I'll gladly help you get everything prepared for you to take off, as long as I keep getting this amazing data!" she said cheerfully. "Yes, upon impact, we lost a lot of parts; the ship is practically a pile of electronics and mashed metal right now." The Professor put a hoof up to his chin to think for a bit. "Now that I think back on it, I should be able to reconstruct the ship to a rudimentary state with the scrap from the crash; I'll just be needing some light-weight metal like bauxite." The Professor took out his own scanner to see what metals lay beneath Equestria's earth. "There appears to be small veins of it throughout your planet, but for some odd reason, there's a high quantity of it underneath your Camelot place. How convenient!" "Canterlot," Twilight corrected. "Whatever! Your Cancer-lot place seems to have all the materials that we need. That being said, how the hell do we get there?" asked the Professor. "Well, the only way up to Canterlot is via the train, but I can barely afford a ticket there, sadly. The Princess allows us to come up there when needed for fr-" she cut off, as the Professor was somehow able to locate her secret stash of money in the basement, and grabbed the whole bag. "Well, it seems like we have the funds needed for the trip. Let's get a move on!" the Professor walked back up the stairs, while Twilight stood there with her mouth wide open at the fact she was robbed by the oldest thing she'd ever seen. But, for the purpose of scientific discoveries, her legs propelled her to follow the old crook. Twilight navigated her way through the streets of Ponyville to get to the train station. The Professor had somehow been able to get used to walking with four legs very quickly, and had surprising speed for his age. He had already bought two tickets to Canterlot by the time Twilight got there, out of breath, mind you. “Hurry up, you incompetent mule! We have fuel and ores to mine illegally!“ the Professor said angrily, throwing one of the tickets at Twilight. But, it merely fluttered in the wind and settled on the ground, as it was made of paper and the Professor couldn’t throw the lightest thing in the world an inch. At that moment, Pinkie came bounding out of nowhere, as usual, heading straight for Twilight. “Twilight! Twilight! Where have you guys been?” she asked, as she pounced on Twilight and pinned her to the ground. “I was waiting outside for you guys for like forever, and neither of you came out claiming that that colt was truly an alien! So, I went off to eat some special cupcakes I made in my basement, and when I came ba-” The annoying, talkative mare was cut off by yet another ticket being thrusted into her face. “You! Pink Idiot! Since you’re here with us, you get to help me get back to my doomsday devices!” He hauled two giant pickaxes over his back, which he had gotten from seemingly nowhere. “This damn pansy-ass train will be leaving any minute, and I want to get there early!” The Professor was obviously disgusted by how girly and pink the train’s appearance was. Without uttering another word, the two mares followed the Professor onboard, headed for the caves beneath the capital city of Equestria. While most would think that a few ponies carrying pickaxes would be a bit suspicious, everypony was too busy making friends and being dumb. The Professor didn’t really know what these stupid ponies do, but he didn’t have the time to care. --- It was only a few hours later that the trio had arrived at the Canterlot train station. Unluckily for them, there had been a recent assassination attempt on Princess Celestia, resulting with the royal guards really cracking down on security, especially at the train station. Needless to say, it was quite uncomfortable for them to sit down afterwards. Finally, they arrived in front of the caverns after five more securitysearches. Oddly enough, the Professor was actually starting to enjoy himself after about the fourth time. But, nothing else mattered at the moment to the Professor. They had finally arrived at the mouth of the caverns which were ever so close to the vital materials they required. The three ponies walked deeper into the caverns, while the Professor used his scanner to try and navigate through the damned labyrinth of twisting rocks and dangerous falls to strike it rich. With a reassuring triple-beep from his scanner, they had reached an area that was the closest to the vein of dark matter. “Looks like we got our work cut out for us,” the Professor said as he placed his scanner back in his pocket. “It’s about a thirty-foot tunnel we need to dig to access the fuel.” He placed the two picks in front of the ponies promptly. But, of course, Twilight had to be the smart one. “Wait a minute... where’s your pickaxe, Professor?” she said, her eyebrows furrowed. “Oh, not to worry about that, you sweet little pack mule! I have my cattle prod with me!” “What good would a cattle prod do t-” Twilight’s question was answered when her behind was zapped with five thousand volts of electricity. “Get mining, goddammit!” And on went the two ponies, already exhausted from having to lug the two heavy pickaxes around. Their progress was merely a crawl, as the cold, damp rock was extremely dense and tough. While the two pony slaves were working away tirelessly at the barren face of the cavern, the Professor took the time to finally look up from his scanner to survey his surroundings. He was taken aback by the beautiful sight that lay before him; much like the feeling he got when he first crash-landed on the planet. The cavern was filled with many teal, shimmering crystals, some as long as eight feet! Every wall around him glistened with the cold dew that covered the walls like icing on a cake. When he looked up, all he could see were the many dazzling lights of the native Equestrian Glow Worms, rumored to have helped Luna create all the stars in the night sky. Since he was busily twiddling with his device, the Professor also didn't noticed how warm the air was in the cavern. It was quite comfortable to relax in, but not so comfortable to work in, hence why the mining ponies were already drenched with sweat even though they had only made three feet of progress. While the cavern was beautiful in every aspect that a cavern could be, the Professor had other matters to attend to, such as making sure the ponies kept working and that they stay on course to the dark matter. He also had to attend to searching for bauxite so he could make replacement parts for the ship. After doing another quick scan, the Professor was able to find the nearest and largest vein of the ore, which was surprisingly open in the cavern. It wasn’t even covered by a layer of dense rock. “You! Pink one! Stop mining and come over here with that pick!” Pinkie wiped sweat off her forehead, which didn’t do much good as more salty liquid replaced it. She swung the heavy pickaxe over her shoulder and hobbled under the weight of the tool over to the Professor. “What is it... Professor?” she asked, breathing in heavily. “Mine every last bit of this bauxite. Once you’ve done that, you’ll get back to work on tunnelling to the fuel.” the Professor zapped Pinkie in the rear, which was not needed, so that she would get right to work. While the two ponies were tirelessly mining away at either metal or hard cavern rock, the Professor finally found time to attend to his own personal matters. He found a smooth, flat rock jutting out from the cavern floor that was nearby the work area, and he sprawled out on it. It took him a few minutes to get comfortable, after all it was tough rock, but nonetheless, he was able to fall asleep. To the Professor, it seemed like only one second had passed when Pinkie dumped a load of medium-sized bits of bauxite on top of the Professor. She had to admit, she wasn’t the happiest pony alive right now, despite being the bearer for the Element of Laughter. All the mining work she had been doing for the past few hours reminded her of the dismal childhood she had while working on her parent’s rock farm. The Professor awoke as he was startled by the bits of bauxite being bestowed upon him. “Wha?” he said, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. “Here’s your bauxite, Professor,” Pinkie said with a bit of anger in her voice. “I don’t even know why I’m helping you do this! At first, it was because I was thinking you were my first alien friend! But now, I see that you’re just a big meanie who enslaves poor he-helpless po-ponies!” Pinkie’s slight bout of anger had soon transformed into sadness, as she couldn’t help thinking of her childhood on the rock farm. While, yes, she did learn to be happy and throw great parties there, she was remembering the time before any fun happened. The time when her parents were strict, boring folk, and where laughter was strictly forbidden. She burst into tears and was propping herself up on the Professor’s shoulder. “W-why Professor? W-wh-why’d y-you m-m-make us s-slaves? Wh-why d-di-did da-d-daddy n-never li-like ha-hap-happiness?” The Professor felt oddly sympathetic for the pony, which was a rare feeling for him. He didn’t feel bad for putting them to work, however, for he knew that was required for him to get the hell off the planet, but at that moment, he felt the slightest bit sorry. “Oh... there, there. Don’t you worry! It’s all over now... just calm down.” He stroked her mane, which seemed to have a soothing effect on her. Her river of tears were replaced by single drops, and only a mere, remote whimper ever escaped from her lips. “So... you’ll stop the mining?” asked Pinkie. “Yes, I shall. I can get my worthless crew to do it instead.” he replied. “Um... Professor.” Twilight said from a distance. “Were those other aliens your crew?” asked Pinkie as she was intrigued. “Yes, they were. They were just useless nobodies who I employed to do deliveries,” he said comfortingly, as he continued to stroke her mane. “Professor,” Twilight said again. “So what’s it like on your planet?” Pinkie decided it was a good time to learn more of the alien and his friends, family, and home world. “Oh, well it’s much more advanced than the one you have here. We have so many wondrous things on my planet, like robots, and spaceships, and those little mints that are left on your pillow at hotels, an-” “Professor!” Twilight yelled from the tunnel, which echoed throughout the cavern. “What is it, goddammit!” “You may want to see this...” The Professor got up off of his rocky bed, and trotted slowly over to Twilight. She had finally broken through, but the tunnel clearly wasn’t as long as it should be, as it was only about ten feet in length. He poked his head through the opening on the other side of the tunnel, to see another huge cavern before him. But, unlike the one they had been in all this time, this one was clearly carved out... by a laser. Lining its walls, instead of beautiful teal crystals, were catwalks and machines of all sorts; some were made for calibrating certain things, and others were made to bore through tough rock. In the center was a large tube filled with liquid dark matter, which explained why the scanner picked it up. The glass tube of fuel was connected to four gas tanks positioned around it where mining machines would stop to refuel automatically. “How the hell is this possible...” the Professor said. His question was soon answered, when a purple pony with a cutie mark of a bag of money turned around in her chair. Her mane was a silvery gray, and in the shape of heart, just like a familiar evil past lover CEO on Earth... “Hubert?” said the purple pony in shock. “Mom?”
BenderIt was about noon, and the crew had left the Professor with the natives just mere minutes ago. And of course, Bender was already trying to get himself into trouble. He had sneaked off back towards the town square, and decided that he would work his way from there into the market. He had soon realized, probably not too long after they had found civilization, that he'd have to begin collecting the native currency to be able to purchase the precious, life-sustaining alcohol and cigars that make him look cool. His shiny, metal coat (and ass) gleamed in the sunlight as he made his way to the market. Ponies walking by him gawked at what they thought was a coat of solid armor, and were confused as to if he was a royal guard. Bender took notice of this. “That’s right, look at how great I am!” Consequently, he broke into his trademark “Bender is Great” song; it was a song in which he only sings about how “great” he is. He finally arrived at the market square, and began to survey the victims that lay before him with pockets... wait, no. Bender saw that these ponies were as stark naked as everyone on the Nude Beach Planet. So, they didn’t have any pants or pockets to speak of, but what they did have were many purses. So many purses! Purse-snatching was possibly one of Bender’s most favorite crimes to commit besides mugging and holding hostages. The purses were quite awkward, as they hung over the backs of the ponies; they looked more like backpacks, but Bender didn’t think much about this, as he was too busy concentrating on stealing some money. While it would make more sense to rob a place and get what he wanted from there, Bender thought it safer to steal some local money. He lacked his regular tools at hoof, as he wasn’t planning on robbing any joints the day of the launch to the planet, which was quite unusual for him. Bender searched the market square using the special X-Ray Coin Detector he had installed into his eyes. He began to search for the pony carrying the most loot, and that was be a pink pony with a white and purple mane, crowned with a princess tiara. That tiara was probably worth stealing, too. The pony was young, and was accompanied by a gray, silver-maned pony about the same age wearing glasses. They were both chatting amiably near the edge of the market. Bender laughed in excitement as he approached the young filly. He then hid behind a nearby potted plant, and hoped that the odd transformation hadn’t altered or broke his extendo-grip technology. Lucky for him, it didn’t. He extended one of his arms into the filly’s purse-bag-thing, and felt around for the coins. It was a little tough, as they were mixed with an assortment of textbooks, pencils, and... cupcakes? Bender ignored that fact, and kept searching carefully around the bag, till he felt a cold, round object at the bottom of the bag with the bottom of his hoof. Then a terrible realization came to Bender; the transformation did alter some of his technology, and it was the most useful and simple one of all. His metal claws. How could he possibly pick up anything without the iron pincers? He sobbed a little. He removed his arm from the bag carefully, to make sure neither of the ponies would notice. “Diamond! There’s a snake in your bag!” “Damn it!” Bender whispered loudly in frustration. “That doesn’t look like an ordinary snake, though... It’s going behind that plant!” Bender looked around nervously for a place to hide. He didn’t want to get locked up in jail thanks to two bratty ponies; he had crimes to commit! He heard the clip-clop of their hooves against the dirt ground as they approached his hiding spot. Luckily, their legs were very short, and made it hard for them to walk over two miles per hour, so that bought him a little time for him to search for another hiding place. Sadly for Bender, he was unable to find another spot in a manner of two seconds, as he lacked the attention span to do anything in over two seconds. So naturally, instead of darting away in a stealthy manner somehow, he jumped out from behind the plant and began howling as he galloped right towards the two girls. “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!” Bender yelled, as he ran through the two fillies, knocking them onto their backs, and causing the rich one’s bags to rip open, making them leak their golden preciousness. Bender halted, as he could not resist the urge to get free money. Awww, but my damn hooves don’t let me pick up stuff! Stupid things... I wish there was a way I could pick the coins up... And as if by magic, his computerized thoughts came true. His antennae was shrouded by a yellow aura, and so were the many coins scattering the ground. Bender was amazed at what was happening or what he was doing right now. He couldn’t tell the difference, but he didn’t care, as long as the coins made it into his chest cavity. Upon the very thought of performing his wished action, his container opened, and all the coins were plopped inside. The only trouble with his new form is that his chest cavity is on his belly, meaning that whenever he opens it, everything inside would fall out as it succumbed to the merciless forces of gravity. So, as a quick solution, Bender rotated his entire torso so that the cavity would be located on his back. “I’m such a genius,” he said to himself. By now, since the gathering of coins took merely a few seconds, the two brats had finally gotten up after getting the wind knocked out of them. The dumb tiara-ed one took notice of the absence of her funds. “Hey! That unicorn took the money Daddy gave me! Someone! Catch that thief!” she ordered. This was the last thing that Bender wanted in a pickpocketing situation: to draw a crowd. Since the filly was screaming like a banshee, all the ponies in the market took notice, and surrounded Bender with intentions that probably weren’t too good for Bender’s sake. C’mon new powerful money-getting antennae! Don’t fail me now! “I wish I could fly!” yelled Bender awkwardly, with the crowd of ponies really close to him. They all stepped back in confusion at the odd statement, but to their surprise, Bender’s rear was lit with the fire of a his new jet-propelled, shiny metal ass. He promptly sat down, and the rocket-ass did the rest, launching him into the air and out of prosecution’s way. Bender felt that he had flown far enough from the square to be out of harm’s way. So, he had to try and learn how to turn off his rocket ass, as it kept spurting out flames. “Argh! I wish this damn thing would turn off!” His antennae glowed, and just like that, his rocket ass was as if it had never existed. Bender fell on the hard, grassy ground that was beneath him, with a loud clunk, and a possible dent or two. He got up, still very woozy, and rubbed his head with his hoof, which was a bit awkward for him. As he got up, a warning system went off inside his eyes, telling him that his energy levels were running dangerously low. “Oh, shut up you damned thing! I’m trying my best to find some booze, but this planet is as dry as Kim Kardashian’s talent. Wait a minute, with my new horn thingy, I can just wish some booze for me!” He concentrated, and simply wished for three whole kegs of 900 proof vodka, and of course, when he opened his eyes, there before him lay three wooden kegs, obviously filled with robots’ life-sustaining nectar. He didn’t hesitate even for a second. Bender rushed toward the keg closest to him, and turned the dial on the tap with his “magic,” or whatever it was. He positioned himself underneath the tap, and let the vodka flow. The alcohol was pouring into his mouth and overflowing, leaking out into the ground and onto his chest. But Bender didn’t care, he was so low on energy. In a matter of minutes, the first keg was drained of its last drops, and Bender moved on to the next keg and did the same thing to it as he did the first. He repeated this for the third keg, but not in such a haste. He stood up and belched out a huge amount of fire, which licked the surrounding trees’ leaves, burning a few trees to a crisp immediately. This caused the scent of fried apples to fill the air. Bender now took notice of the fact that he was in an apple orchard, possibly the very large one they had seen after they crashed. In his dizziness, fatigue from low energy, and haste, he had not even noticed where he was, and unluckily for him, he was smack dab in the middle of the orchard, quite far from dirt paths and quite lost. “Well then, if I’m lost, might as well get that GPS system I always wanted installed into my head!” He laughed. He wished for the GPS system, but instead of the image of a map popping up inside his head’s programming, the warning signs beeped alerting him that he was low on energy again. “What the- stupid things! I just drank three kegs of strong vodka! Don’t tell m- me if I- I- I’m uh...” Bender felt woozy and sapped of energy, which was quite confusing for a robot who just overfilled his tanks. Bender turned around and was going to perform another wish to get alcohol, hoping that it would fill his tanks this time, when he was startled so greatly that he literally shat three bricks into a neat pile on the ground.this time, when he was startled so greatly that he literally shat three bricks into a neat pile on the ground. Before him stood the one robot he least expected to be here on this planet with him - the Robot Devil. Many moons ago did Bender joined the religion of Robotology, in hopes of ending his obsession with abusing electricity. In the end, however, Bender ended up committing many sins and suffering “eternal” damnation. He escaped his fiery prison with the aid of Fry and Leela, and for some odd reason, the Robot Devil hasn’t ever bothered to truly pursue his robotic soul. The odd thing with the Robot Devil was that he was unaltered from his original form. He did not look like a unicorn, or a pegasus, or a pony; he looked like a normal robot leaning against an apple tree. The Robot Devil opened his mouth to speak. “Greetings, Bender! I do hope that you’re enjoying your stay on the planet of Equestria.” “This planet is probably the crappiest of all the planets I’ve ever been to! There’s no alcohol, no cigars, and it’s too damn hard to steal much of anything in this form! Especially since these damn ponies can notice the smallest of details!” He crossed his arms in anger and whispered. “I’d probably be happier in your hell-hole of a place..." The Robot Devil leaned over and held his hand up to his horn. “What was that, Bender? You want more damnation? Alrighty then! Gentlemen?” Music began playing in the background and the hellish robot grabbed a top hat and cane. “No! No! Stop it! I never said anything!” The music abruptly stopped, and the Robot Devil threw away his hat and cane. “What the hell are you doing here, anyway?” “Well, it’s quite simple, Bender! You see, the planet of Equestria is simply the purest and sweetest planet in the whole of the universe! While there are still evils here, those evils are so adorable, petite, and benign compared to the rest of the universe’s evils.” He stated, looking down on Bender. “And so, because of this, I was contacted by a higher power to download a virus into your software. That virus prevents you from wishing up objects that would cast evil unto this world, such as alcohol or cigars.” Bender began to boil up with rage. “What?!?!? Who the hell is this ‘higher power’? Well tell that higher power that they can bite my shiny, metal ass! I need alcohol! All robots need alcohol to function properly! And then they deprive me of my cigars... Damn them! Damn them all to whichever hell they’re supposed to go to!” After venting all his rage in the manner of ranting, Bender has finally broken down, balling up on the grass and beginning to cry at the realization of a ban of alcohol and cigars on the planet. “Come now, Bender! You’ve done this before, haven’t you? When you were addicted to jacking on and getting a high from electricity? It’s for the better, isn’t it? I’m willing to make a deal with you. If you manage to spend the entire time on this trip without committing one single sin, I shall call off the chase to hunt you down and damnate you.” Bender sniffled, and stood up abruptly. “Hey, wait a minute! You’re trying to trick me, aren’t you? You haven’t been chasing me down! I haven’t seen any of your minions chasing after me or trying to kill me!” “Oh, but we have, Bender! All those times that something terrible has happened to you or your crew, it has always been us. We’ve been trying to not only stop you from sinning, but we’ve also been trying to drag you back to Robot Hell,” he stated in an almost sing-song voice, dancing around the robot pony. “Oh really?” said Bender skeptically. “Name one thing that you did to me or my crew that was so ‘terrible’” The Robot Devil suddenly stopped dancing, and starting looking around the orchard as if for an answer. “Well, there was that one ti- GOODBYE!” The air fizzed with electricity, meaning that the Robot Devil was broadcasting that message live to him via hologram. “Well, better get a move on, I guess. Maybe I can try and make my own beer? Or...” Bender looked around at the apple trees, laughing maniacally as he hatched a perfect plan and defy the Robot Devil’s wish to prevent him from ruining this “perfect world”. But, in order to do so, he would have to recieve a bit of help from really anyone who was stupid and uneducated enough to aid him in his nasty plot. Though he was stuck in the middle of the orchard, he was able to make his way quite easily towards one of surprisingly many dirt roads that were scattered around the orchard; the place was just so big that made it harder to locate. And so, the robot began his journey towards the orchard’s barn, or house, or whatever they had to keep tools and apples and whatnot in. He could only assume that they had one, since most do anyway. After thinking of a few more things to tie up some loose ends of his plan, Bender grudgingly began trudging along the dirt pathway. The power levels in his tanks had become dangerously low, so his progress was extremely slow-going. The poor machine had never experienced such low levels of power since that one time he converted himself to a Bending Unit model made entirely of flimsy wood. But even then he decided it was best for him to go into power-saving mode, which made it much easier on his batteries. But in this case, he had to work against a fairly steep slope with a battery level of four percent, decreasing fairly rapidly judging on the rate he was going. But this is due to the fact that Bending Units were never designed with efficiency or the environment in mind. Their only objective was to bend steel girders with complete disregard for the safety of other lifeforms. And yet, even though his battery was nearly drained, Bender still managed to somehow move along dreadfully slow, as he would occasionally pick apples and ferment them with advanced technology. In doing so, he was able to get a small bit of alcohol from them, but he then discarded this process completely, as the amount of energy created from the aging of the apples was far less than the amount of energy needed to age them. His energy levels had reached to such a low level that Bender was forced to shut down half of his body. So, now it appeared as if Bender had suffered a major stroke, as his right eye was completely black from it being powered down, and he was somehow crawling along with both of his left legs while his right legs dragged along the ground. He was quite miserable at this stage, and was beginning to think it would be best to just power down and be left to rust, or until one of his friends came along and gave him some booze. But, as he was almost considering this dreadful feat, he saw on the next hill a long line of the colored ponies. A very long line of ponies. So many that the line reached almost all the way back to the hill he was standing atop of now. He was slightly curious about this, even though he was about to die. And his interest was piqued when he began to hear chanting going along the lines of: Cider! Cider! Apple Cider! Cider! Cider! Apple Cider! Suddenly, the robot felt a burst of energy run through his system, as his processor involuntarily booted up a small backup power cell in the depths of his mechanical anatomy. It would only provide about thirty minutes of pure, incredible power for robots in desperate need of refueling, only when they sense a source of fuel somewhere. “Boooooooooooooooooozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!” Bender screamed at the top of his audio device, which caused all the other ponies to look backward towards the top of the hill in bewilderment. Without a second thought, and being bent on pure energy, Bender plowed through the entire line in a blind scurry for alcohol, knocking over many ponies who were patiently waiting in line for cider. In a matter of seconds, Bender could already see the source which caused the long line: theApple Family’s Cider stand! Bender knocked over the rainbow pegasus standing in front of the stand, who had just received her own mug of cider. But, because of this, she spilt the entire contents of the mug onto the dirt path, causing her to tear up and fly away ever so quickly screaming, “No! Not again! Every year! Ev-er-y year!” The orange country mare standing behind the stand stood there in sheer confusion, as did her relatives. Bender leaned over the stand and yelled “Cider! NOOOOWWWWWW!” And so, in fear of getting harmed or something of the sort, the family quickly produced a mug filled to the brim with cider. In all their years of Cider Season, they have never seen this armored unicorn, nor have they ever seen a pony step out of line with reckless abandon for the safety of everypony. Anywho, getting back to the current situation at hand. Without truly knowing how to react to this pony, they simply handed over a mug to him with the haze of complete befuddlement. Bender snatched the mug from the small foal who was pouring the cider for their customers, who quickly cowered underneath the stand. Bender cocked back his head and let gravity do the work of pouring a stream of cider down his throat, only for him to spit it all out again. He looked the orange mare directly in the eyes, getting extremely close to her face and causing her to back up a tad. “What the hell is this?!? This isn’t Hard Cider! Don’t you damn ponies know how to make decent booze!” he jumped up and destroyed their entire stand in blind rage. Bender could sense his backup power cell beginning to run low, and he was starting to calm down and revert back to regular old Bender again. So, using the remaining energy he had, he ran at extremely fast speeds, almost topping 500 miles per hour, around the entire orchard to find some ingredients. He dashed into the family’s kitchen and grabbed many, many things: yeast, sugar, pots and pans, matches, and also stole many firewood logs. He then rushed back towards the stand, where the family was helping all the ponies in the line get up and began to assess the damage to their stand. The orange mare looked across the hill. “He’s back, y’all! Hide! I don’t know who he is or what he wants, but Ah don’t think he has good intentions!” And so, all the ponies either ran away or hid in various places that were close by. Bender began setting up a small brewing stand for hard cider. His power cell was starting to run dry, and it would cause him to revert back to regular power and feel quite sluggish and drowsy. So, he did his work quickly, adding in the cider, sugar, yeast, and other various ingredients into the pot, and put it over the flame. He had to use even more power to create a starter and speed up the process at which the yeast would ferment, and other various tasks included in the making of hard cider. In a matter of minutes, the robot had created a large vat of hot cider, which he gulped down all for himself in sweet relief, pausing only once to look up and say with delight “Oh Bender, you sure do know how to make booze!” And so, with his fuel cells completely full, he let loose a very large stream of flames from his exhaust pipe, catching fire to a few nearby apple trees. This, of course, caused the family of apple ponies to come out of their terrible hiding spots and try their best to douse the flames to save their beloved apple trees. Seeing as Bender was fairly satisfied with his fuel cells fully recharged again, he decided it was a wonderful idea to begin brewing his own cider, hard cider, to sell to all of Equestria. He didn’t give two damns about what the Robot Devil said, mostly because he was lying out of his metallic ass and trying to get Bender to revert back to Robotology. It wasn’t going to happen for a billion years, most likely. So, with newfound strength, Bender began to build his own stand on the family’s farm, right next to their own stand mind you. With the family’s precious trees safe and uncooked again, the orange mare looked up and spotted the metallic colt doing many unsatisfying things-like he already had not. She of course would not let this stand. “Yeah! What y’all think you’re doin’? This is the Apple Family’s farm, and Ah don’t care if yer a metal psychopath or whatever you are, but you need to get off our property.” the orange mare got really close to Bender’s face. “Or we’ll do it for you.” she said in a menacing whisper. Of course, when anyone begins to harm the Apples’ trees, the orange mare Applejack will immediately without hesitation defend the trees. All fear of this crazy new chrome pony had left her body. Bender did not walk off, nor did he go into another fit of rage at the Apple ponies. He calmly leaned on the fence he was next to and looked into the orange mare’s eyes. He, of course, had a plan to take advantage of these ponies and defy the Robot Devil’s wishes. “My dear, I must apologize for my behavior beforehand. You see, I have gone for quite some time without a delicious beverage to aid my dreadful disorder, in which I begin to go berserk after long periods of dehydration.” Bender, of course, did not mean this at all, and he knew better than to reveal that he was a robot to the ponies, even though it was fairly obvious. “I am now trying to remedy this solution by creating another stand for you and your dear family members. I will do anything to help you repair the damage I’ve caused.” The orange mare blushed slightly at the fact of how much of a gentlecolt this pony was. “Oh, well, I guess it’s alright, if ya have a disorder an’ all... Just as long as you promise to fix everythin’ up, mister...?” “Bender, m’lady.” Bender was really pulling out all the stops. He was dying slightly inside because of how flirty he was being, but not to get into this mare’s pants. (He had to admit, that he did find her slightly appealing, but it was most likely due to the fact that his anatomy had changed greatly.) “Well, nice to meet ya, Bender! Mah name’s Applejack, and this is Granny Smith.” She pointed to the elderly green pony walking feebly towards the two ponies introducing themselves. “My brother, Big Mac.” He was a large red stallion who was well built. “And my little sister Applebloom.” A small pony with a tan coat and a giant bow in her mane walked up, slightly scared of the mysterious pony. “A pleasure to meet you all.” Stated Bender in his bullshit gentleman voice. Applejack promptly turned away from the conversation, as she had a pressing matter to attend to: the ponies who had been knocked over and scurried to find a hiding spot. “Listen y’all, cider season is going to be postponed for a while due to the sudden turn of events.” All the ponies who were still at the farm poked their heads out from behind the trees or the clouds, depending on what breed they were, of course. “We’re all quite sorry to tell ya this, but we’ll do our best to get operations running again soon.” All the ponies immediately turned around, moaning and groaning about how something terrible seems to happen ever cider season. Applejack turned back to her family and Bender. “Well, how are we gonna make our quota this year? Mister Bender here appears to have drank all our remainin’ cider, and not only that, most ponies seem to have been turned off of cider season because of how limited our supply is every year.” “I think I have a suggestion,” Bender chimed in, arousing all of the Earth ponies’ suspicions. “Well, it isn’t too hard to create regular apple cider, all you need to do is get those ‘perfect’ apples, and then squeeze them and let it sit overnight to create a pure liquid. But... I have a plan that is sure to bring major profit to you and your family. You see the little stand I made here? It’s a brewery to create hard cider. Hard cider has alcohol in it, which is probably one of the best things ever created! I can guarantee you that it’ll be a major success with all the ponies of Ponyville.” The Apples were unsure as to what they should do. Should they really trust him? They were merely putting up a bit of a guise as to make him believe they trusted him, but they were trying to act calm towards the pony since he seemed prone to causing mass havoc and also they had no idea what the hell he was. They debated and pondered this issue for quite a good while, and decided it was best to go along with this plan, seeing as they had not many other options to choose from, and they were quite strapped for bits as it was at the moment. “We’ll do it. Anything you need to accomplish your plan to add ‘al-kee-hawl’ to our cider, we’ll get it or do it fer ya,” Applejack said with a worried look on her face. “Oh, I hope this plan works...” And the plan was working! But definitely not in the Apple’s favor-at least, to end with. Bender’s plan was extremely simple and pretty fool-proof. He had even devised a simple checklist: Fool the owners of the apple orchard into trusting him. (Check!) Make hard cider for not only his personal use, but for the other inhabitants of the planet, too. (Check!) Cause havoc and make the world into a crime-ridden place. (Getting there!) So, Bender was getting two things out of his hair-brained scheme: one being alcohol to recharge his fuel cells, and two being the ability to perform crime without all the inhabitants making a big deal out of it. It had taken almost a whole night and a day, but Bender and the entire Apple family had pulled it off - they had reconstructed the stand, created a large amount of pure apple cider from apples that Granny Smith had approved of, and brewed it all into numerous barrels of hard cider. It seems like a truly impossible feat, but they were somehow able to pull it off (mostly because Bender was able to use his magic and robotic abilities.) And the big day had finally arrived. The Apples had announced that they had happily created numerous amounts of their new and improved recipe for what they called “Special Feel-Good Apple Cider”. This was because the entire family had sampled a whole bottle each, and of course, since not a single pony on the planet had ever been exposed to alcohol before, had gotten drunk in a matter of minutes. Because news spread around town like a wildfire that the Apples had created a new brand of apple cider, and had numerous amounts of it, practically every single resident of Ponyville and the inhabitants living around it showed up; even a few upper class snobs from Canterlot had gotten word of it, and as they put it, “Simply have to try this new ‘awl-koh-hawl’." and how it would probably "Taste simply ravishing in tandem with a wonderful glass of grape juice." In less than an hour or so, the Apple family had gotten rid of their entire batch, and everypony was capable of getting at least five mugs each, especially the one rainbow pegasus, who had somehow met Fry along the way. “Hey Fry, how’s it goin’?” said Bender as he began cleaning a mug. “Oh, pretty good. These wings are awesome! I was able to do some sort of cool thing where my ass lit a rainbow in the sky or something like that, and I broke the sound barrier.” “Good for you. Now buy a mug or get out!” said Bender rudely, and Fry, being the idiot he is, purchased a single mug with the money he “borrowed” from his rainbow friend. Now all Bender had to do was wait. And it really wasn’t a long wait, actually. He barely had time to look at five minutes of his ten thousand terabytes of porn stored in his hard drive before there began to come rumors of regular ponies who had gone sour, angry, and thirsting for more cider. And the most wonderful part about all this was that the ponies were committing so many crimes that had never even been conceived of occurring. So many, in fact, the palace guard from Canterlot had to come in to try their best to ease the situation, but to no avail whatsoever. “Catch you all on the flip side, ponybags!” said Bender, as he dashed towards the town square yelling in glee. The Apple family waved goodbye in bewilderment, right as the coin box holding all the profit they made from the hard cider was stolen from them by Derpy Hooves, who was handling the alcohol not too well. Bender looked at the town across from a distant hill which led towards the farm. Fires, riots, guards, and screaming as far as the eye could see. “This sounds like it’s gonna be fun on a bun!” yelled Bender, as he kept galloping towards the city. He began going crazy. He didn’t care what precisely he did, he just wanted to commit crimes. He did a bit a stealing, he punched a bunch of guards, who had pretty much given up the whole thing by now, and he probably even did a few more serious crimes... Like stealing candy from a foal. That’s a serious offense. Bender really didn’t remember much of what precisely he did, but all he knew was that he was elated at the fact he was a part of it. And when the whole town was finished being pillaged, he could lead his alcohol-driven hoard towards other towns, and become King Bender the Great, of Equestria! But it appeared that Bender’s ambitions were too far-fetched and outlandish, for not long after he had filled his arms and compartment up with junk from other pony’s homes and businesses, other ponies began stealing the stuff he stole. They would simply come up to him, perhaps knock him over, and then steal anything that he may have dropped. “Hey! Come back here you little bastards!” he yelled as he chased after two ugly unicorns with the marks of a snail and scissors, who had simply picked up all the stuff he was carrying with magic. His plan was failing completely now. Not only were other ponies stealing stuff from him, but they were also beating him up and just being really mean to him in general. As Bender looked across the road with a tear in his robotic eye, he saw a familiar silhouetted figure hiding in an alleyway. He crawled over to him, hurt and broken. “Please... help... I’ve done something terrible...” The pony looked down. “Sweet Celestia of Equestria, I’ll say you’ve done something terrible, mon!”
