The Asockalypse

by AFadingPony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 1910

A new craze is ravaging Equestria, Can Pinkie and Twilight stop the spread before disaster strikes.

The Sock Puppet cult is tearing Equestria apart, ponies from Vanhoover to Baltimare are picking up the craze, it seems there isn't a single household in the land without one of the fluffy little Monsters.
Some ponys, however,aren't taken in by the new craze. Twilight Sparkle and her friend, Pinkie Pie are perplexed.
What is it people like about these stupid little things?
Why does Twilight hate them so much,
And of course, the most important question,
How in Tartarus do you use them!?

Published 2012-10-31 06:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-10-31 06:00:01 UTC

A Severe Lack of Opposable Thumbs

"It started in Canterlot, hundreds were caught in the web of lies spun around it. The ponies there lapped it up, they loved the damn things." Twilight Sparkle paced in circles, casting a shadow upon the huge map of Equestria she had projected onto the screen, Canterlot and the surrounding area was highlighted in red. "It spread quickly, the wave washed over all Equestria in less than a week. They say that everypony in Equestria, has one now." The image changed, the map of Equestria had changed, the highlighted red area had expanded to all corners of the map, bar some (nearly) uninhabited areas such as the Everfree.

"The sock puppets are vile creations," the presentation flicked another slide open, a giant sock puppet appeared behind the librarian, it's demonic button eyes seething with evil and malice. "The most beloved and loyal creations of pony kind..." Twilight paused momentarily, allowing the tension within the crowd to build, "Defiled," she finally spat.

"We can stop them though," she continued, a slide appeared depicting Twilight happily wearing a pair of green and purple stripy socks, "we can get these monstrous things out of the common pony mind." The presentation shut off, the library went dark. "But how..." she finished dramatically, just as the lights switched on.

With the room illuminated it was clear to see the state Twilight Sparkle was in, her mane was frizzy, her coat ungroomed, her eyes sunken such as one that had not slept for days. The room was empty but for three figures, Twilight stood upon a stage she had prepared at the front of the library, her assistant Spike was currently tweaking with the projector, a single pink pony sat in the centre of the treehouse, her gaze fixed intently upon the twitching purple mare.

Twilight's eyes scanned the room, her expression fell from determined to exasperated. "Where did everypony go!" Her rage echoed throughout the interior of the treehouse, the last remaining member of her once vast audience finally piped up.

"They left," she stated, "But I need your help with something important!" Pinkie jumped to her feet and onto the stage, "How, in the name of Celestia, are you supposed to use these things!" Twilight found herself face to face with a blue sock, with grey button eyes. Pinkie's hoof was lodged firmly up the abominations rectum, and it's head flopped uselessly on Pinkie's hoof.

Twilight screamed, "Get that thing out of my house!" she bellowed, swatting Pinkie's hand away and diving for the nearest cover, her bedroom, the door slammed with enough force to make the entire library shudder.

"Ow..." Pinkie said rubbing her injured hoof. "What was that all about?"

"Weren't you listening?" Spike appeared behind her carrying the projector to the library basement. "She hates those things," Spike explained, tilting his head towards Pinkie's sock puppet. "Well, maybe she's just scared, I can't tell." Spike reached the basement door, he opened it with his foot, only to find Pinkie waiting for him on the other side. "Argh!" He squeaked with surprise, nearly dropping the heavy equipment he was carrying. "Pinkie, don't do that!"

"Why is Twilight scared of them?" Pinkie asked, holding the beast out in front of her, his head still hanging uselessly over the side of her hoof, she flicked it, trying get it to stand upright, but to no avail.

"Hey can I have a look at that?" Spike asked, walking past Pinkie and throwing the projector violently down the stairs into the basement.

"Sure," Pinkie said enthusiastically, tearing the fiend from her hoof and throwing it innocently to Spike, unaware of the massive danger such a move could pose, if it did indeed anger the brute.

Spike picked it up and, with reckless abandon, placed it upon his claw.

"Hey Pinkie!" The puppet maliciously stared at the pony it's disturbing lack of teeth evident as it was able to perfectly pronounce words, merely by opening that nightmarish mouth it had.

"How do you do that!" Pinkie looked more angry than scared, despite the ghoulish being in front of her. The brave, or possibly ignorant, pony risked much by once again aggressively tearing the puppet off Spike's claw with her mouth and placing it back on her hoof.

The sock sat there, motionless, it's eyes silently mocking it's unwitting host.

"Opposable thumbs," Spike explained, wiggling his scaly digit.

Pinkie sat on her rump, staring forlornly at her useless hooves. "But, earlier today I saw Dashie use one," she whined "and Rarity!"

Spike shrugged, "Did you ask either of them how to do it?" he inquired.

"Yes!" exclaimed Pinkie, "They couldn't explain it!"

"Well, If anyone could explain it, it'll be Twilight," Spike said knowingly, exiting the basement with Pinkie in tow. "If you can convince her to give it a go, you'd probably be able to figure something out." Spike closed the door behind him, by the time he had turned round, Pinkie was already hammering on the door of Twilights bedroom. Spike merely rolled his eyes and watched.

"Twilight!" Pinkie emphasised her friends name by smashing a hoof on the door, "Open up, I need your help with this!"

"Have you got rid of that... Thing?" Twilight questioned approaching the locked door carefully

"N- er... Yes, I swallowed it." Pinkie threw the sock over her head and hid it inside her tail.

"You swallowed it?" Twilight questioned suspiciously, "I'm not buying it Pinkie."

Pinkie flicked her tail, the sock sailed through the air and landed on spike's head, sniggering, he ran across the library to take his place to the side of the psychotic pink pony as she readied herself for a charge, "I promise Twilight, I'm not holding the sock," a small smile played at the corners of her mouth, "Pinkie Promise."

That was all the assurance Twilight needed, using her magic, she took a step back, and unclocked the door.

The small click was followed by an almighty BANG, as the door flew open on it's hinges, a small pink torpedo aimed directly at Twilight and tackled her to the ground. "Throw me the sock!" It bellowed, the great destroyer of worlds opened it's maw to ensnare the now innocent seeming sock... "Put this on!" Pinkie screamed, throwing it directly in the face of her unsuspecting victim.

"Kinky!" laughed a small voice from the doorway.

The dazed Twilight quickly recovered her composure, "Oh my Celestia, get this bloody thing off me!" she tossed her head to the side, flinging the sock across the room, Pinkie lept off Twilight catching the sock with her tail and swinging it round back down to the recovering unicorn, who had barely regained her footing before getting another face full of evil sock. Then another face full of crazy pony.

Twilight screamed maniacally as the Pink pony forcibly attached the sock to her hoof. "There!" Pinkie sat back both exhausted and satisfied, "Now make it work!"

The librarian was petrified, an expression of fear and shame was plastered across her face, but finally she relented, and the sock puppet came to life.

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like
It's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours,
I can teach you,
But I have to charge"

Spike and Pinkie Pie sat, mouths agape at the demonstration being performed before them, Twilight Sparkle was sitting deathly still, the only part of her body moving being the hoof on which the sock puppet sat, her lips didn't open once the entire time and she didn't so much as blink.

"My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they're like
It's better than yours,
Damn right it's better than yours,
I can teach you,
But I have to charge"

"Twilight," Spike finally piped up, trying to break his dear friend out of her self-induced paralysis.

"I know you want it,
The thing that makes me,"

"Twilight?" Spike moved in closer, the sock puppet was dancing its metaphorical heart out, jumping this way and that in an attempt to mime the atrociously out of tune song.

"What the guys go crazy for.
They lose their minds,"

The small dragon slowly extended his hand,

"The way I wind,
I think its time"

The sock puppet was torn off the purple pony's hoof. "Thank you," she finally stated, embracing the small dragon, tears coming to her eyes.

"Wow..." Pinkie said, approaching the two from behind as Spike released his comforting cradle that he had held upon his sister. "I didn't know you were a ventriloquist, Twilight!"

Twilight nodded sadly, "I was only a little filly," she admitted, wiping the tears from her eyes, "I was doing really well at school, but one day, Shining Armour(Armor) wasn't there to help me study, so, I created socky."

Spike laughed out loud, his brotherly comfort seemingly evaporating into the air, Pinkie joined him, stamping her hoof on the floor in glee.

"I was barely three Spike," Twilight said, her irritation showing.

"Socky!" Spike exclaimed with joy, "Priceless!"

Twilight ignored him and carried on, "I taught myself to give him a voice, to allow him to talk to me, It was the first friend I had other than Shining."

"Socky..." Spike giggled.

"One day, I brought him into school, around a month after I made him, it was the school talent show, the prize was the full set of 'The Ecologists Encyclopaedia' I couldn't pass that up." Twilight bowed her head dejectedly, "they laughed, all of them, they laughed until they were out of breath, then they kept laughing." Twilight suddenly stood up straight and defiant, "And from that day forth, I swore that I would never abuse our most beloved socks again, lest it darken their pure souls..."

Spike stood dumbfounded, completely lost for words. Pinkie, on the other hand, couldn't stay quiet for this long without instigating a massive implosion.

"So you hate sock puppets cause one made a fool out of you? Have you never made one since? Can you ventriloquize with other things? Can you tech me to ventriloquize?" A sudden realisation hit the non stop ball of energy, picking the sock puppet off the ground, and placing it firmly on her hoof, she asked calmly and methodically, "How do I do it Twilight?"

Twilight cocked an eyebrow, "Oh, well, it's not too difficult really, just relax your jaw and saw the vow-"

"No, no, no!" Pinkie softly placed her hooved on Twilight's shoulders, "The sock puppet, how does it move?"

Dumbfounded, the unicorn didn't reply for several seconds, "Er... Pinkie," She finally piped up, "I have no idea."

Silence fell on the 3 figures, Pinkie slowly took the sock puppet off her hand and place it on the ground in front of her.

"I'm really sorry pinkie, It just come natura-" A large tearing noise broke through the room, the sock had been torn in two.

The carnage had begun.

It is said that no sock puppet survived the onslaught, the unstoppable wrecking ball tore them all to shreds, each dissapearing in a flurry of pink hoof blows, the genocide an entire people is not a quick affair. The whole process took two days. Many were saddened over the loss of so many fine young socks, but, thanks to the Pink Earth pony of sugar cube corner, Equestria was saved from the sock threat...

But at what cost?