The mistakes I have made....
So, where should I start? Well I guess the beginning would sound ‘bout right. It was soon after I came back for Manehattan that I was starting to grow on my own, sure I lived on the farm with big mac an’ granny smith, but I guess you could say that I had a little more freedom than I used to. An’ quite honestly, applebuckin’ can get real lonely after a while. But I enjoyed it still. I remember Derpy would come an deliver the letters to me, partly cause she got lost, an’ partly cause she knew that I would get lonesome. Now the apple family gets mail on a daily basis, cause of orders and production and such, so after a while I would look forward to seeing miss hooves. She was so cute, crashin into the trees and such. Sometimes we would talk a lil before she left, and I guess that’s how it all started.
I remember once her coming to make a delivery. It was the day we first kissed, how could I forget? An’ what a kiss it was. “Apple family special delivery… ” by that time we knew a lil bout each other, so I had a muffin waiting for her in my purse. She flew up and gave me the mail. She looked kinda upset, so I asked her what’s wrong. She replied softly, but clearly. “Well, I‘m lovesick AJ. Everypony seems to have a special some pony, ‘cept me an you.” I decided to comfort her. “Now, Don’t you worry yer pretty lil head any more bout’ it. Love will come for both of us, I know it.” On the verge of tears, Derpy wanted to argue. “Of course love will find you, cause you’re beautiful and sweet and kind and hardworking. No pony wants a mare who can’t even deliver mail.” There was something about the way she said those things that hurt me a little. My friend saw herself as a failure. And I wasn’t going to stand for it.
“Now Derpy, you stop that silly talk right now. Cause the pony in front of me is a great catch. You are a beautiful Pegasus, who is loyal, sweet, wonderful friend that anycolt would be honored to call their own.” The look in her eyes became soft instantly. “you say that like you mean that” said the sad gray mare in a low, soft voice. “I mean it with all my heart sugarcube.” She instantly hugged me. We stood there holding each other for a few minutes, but it seemed like hours. But in my heart it didn’t feel long enough. When we finally let go, our eyes met, and sparks flew. Before I realized it, I felt Derpy’s soft lips on mine. I heard her heartbeat against mine and they joined instantly, I could taste the salt from her tears. Her breath was heavy and labored as her tongue gently massaged mine. Her hair brushed against my face and it sent my nerves into overdrive. I sat in awe as I reveled in the kiss. It had felt like a wave of pure ecstasy had come over my body. My very essence was being joined with my Pegasus partner. My legs became weak in moments, causing me to fall (in more ways than one). When I fell our lips parted unwillingly. We stopped, wondering what we should do. Both of us got shy and looked away. The shame of knowing the sin we just participated in was too much for us. We stood awkwardly facing away. Minutes passed by, making everything that much harder. We both knew one of us had to say something, but neither of us was willing to open up. Finally, Derpy spoke. She said she had to keep on her deliveries. She quietly turned to leave. I ‘member the sound of her wings openin’ an’ takin’ off. She didn’ hit a single tree….
After she left, I remembered her muffin. I threw it away, mah feelings still in a rodeo from that kiss. I couldn’t be a, a lesbian. I can’t shame mah family like that. Going back to buckin’ was real hard that day. She delivered straight to the farm for a few days. I secretly was starting to miss her. Her next delivery shocked me though. She gave me the letters and flew off right away, before I could say anything. She hit nearly every tree in the orchard, poor thing. I looked at the letters. There was one for me. I stopped and read it. I still carry it with me….
Applejack
I am sorry I haven’t stopped to talk to you lately. Truth is, I am too scared and embarrassed to stop. Maybe this letter will help you understand why. When you told me how you saw me, it really meant something. I have always looked up to you, and hearing you say those things…. gave me hope. All this time getting closer, spending time in the orchard, helps me to understand that someone cares about me. I like feeling wanted, and all of a sudden, I was. I hadn’t realized till after our talk what I was really feeling. I think I fell in love. The only problem was that I fell in love with you. I miss you. I want to know how feel. Please write me back.
Love
Derpy Hooves
Once I read the letter, my heart sank. My mind raced as I tried to make sense of what just happened. Them feelings came in, and overtook meh. Lesbian love was not right. It wasn’t wrong, but it just didn’t happen in the apple family. That’s what I thought. I wrote a response. It was the biggest mistake I had ever made. I asked Derpy not to come back, and that I would retrieve the mail from the post office on my own time. I told her to stay away. I wanted to hurt her. I was blind an’ hurt. I stayed away from the post office for a few days. I just couldn’t get her off my mind, though. My heart was achin’ and part of me started to regret what I did. I really did love her, my derp eyed pegasus. After two weeks of this pain I became secretly suicidal. I didn’t wanna breathe without Derpy. I turned to the only pony I wanted to trust. Granny Smith would probably forget what I would ask in an hour anyway. She made it sound trivial, almost comical. “Chase after her. Even if ya’ think it’s shameful, the apple family can have one black sheep.” I ran to mah room, and cried ‘till I couldn’ no more.
I asked for her at the post office the next day. “Sorry AJ, we haven’t seen her in a few weeks. We think she got lost. “ I ran home. I quit everything. I told granny and big mac that I was going to stay with fluttershy for a few days for a break. I took off, an’ I wasn’t comin’ back till I found my love. I looked everywhere for her. I went so far as canterlot before I found her. I saw her from a distance and followed her. When I would get close she would fly off. It was getting dark. Finally I caught up. “Derpy?” I asked carefully. Her reply sounded angry, but upset at the same time. “I am sorry but I don’t deliver mail any more. Please leave me alone.” I didn’t wanna hear that. “Wait, hun” she just turned away. Now I was emotional “No! I love you and I want you to come home. I’m sorry I sent you away. I was just afraid and confused and, and, and” I started sobbing uncontrollably.
Grey wings enveloped me. Derpy picked me up and she flew us out of sight. I couldn’t stop crying. I was so upset. She wasn’t happy either. When she put me down, she turned away quickly to hide her face. “Why did you look for me? Why are you pretending to care? I was doing so well. Why do you still want to hurt me? It’s not fair!” I had never seen her like this. She had been through this before! And that’s when I saw what my letter had done to her. Her wings were torn and bruised; her ankles were filled with scars from razors. She was yelling because of the pain I gave to her. She loved again, and I jus’ threw her away. “I… I didn’t know. Derpy, I love you and I came because I can’t live without you. I pushed you away cause, cause I didn’t want to shame the apple family. If I would have known I would have hurt you this much, I would have never wrote that stupid letter. I want ya to come home. No I want you to come back to me. Seeing you like this though, I don’t blame ya if ya stay away. I just wanna see you happy. I love you sugarcube.” Derpy didn’t turn around. “I don’t want to hurt anymore. That’s all.”
I started walking away, knowin’ that she didn’t want me. I did my best not to cry. I felt like I had lost everything. I felt lost. I walked without stopping. I was afraid that if I stopped walking that I would stop breathing. Part of me wanted to stop, but for some reason I didn’t. I had been walking for three days before I collapsed. When I fell, I didn’t get up. I didn’t care anymore. Then everything went black.
Now, when I woke up, I was in the Ponyville ER. I saw two yellow eyes full of tears staring at me. Tears came like waterfalls out of my own eyes. My Pegasus had saved me. She spoke softly: ”When I saw you lying there, I got scared. I never wanted you to hurt neither. I guess we both need each other.” She said between sobs. I had finally understood. “Come here sugarcube, hold me so we don’t ever lose each other again.” I started the kiss this time. Her perfume overtook me as we took turns breathing for each other. The most passionate exchange of our love took place in that bed. My reason for living came back. An’ I wasn’t ‘bout to let go anytime soon....
