Being a royal guard isn't what's it's cracked up to be. You hear all this propaganda about Equestria needing you and joining a great cause and all that crap. But what you really get isn't ever what you expect, huh. Here was me thinking I'd be a knight in shining armour saving damsels and slaying dragons every other day like some badass Buck Horus. But in reality, you're just standing here like a bleached albino dressed like a a person who likes nightmare night a little too much. In the middle of the day you're just standing around doing absolutely nothing all day.
Sounds like a dream job right? Just standing around doing nothing special, sounds easy right? Well have you tried?
Just stand here next to me, doing nothing, never moving a muscle, never making a sound, never making a single expression on your face besides the face of blandness. That's my job! Being boring and I guess I will admit, looking good while doing it.
Hey, at least my nightmare night costume isn't made of cardboard and crayons like real losers that like nightmare night too much.
But if being a statue is my job then what the hay am I doing in those stupid combat drills every morning, noon and night? Equestria isn't at war! It's never at war! Nothing happens because Equestria is ruled by a totalitarian utopia! That is, If you can believe in such a thing.
But let's not be unrealistic here, Equestria has been under threat before. From the mare on the moon that Celestia just so happened to forget to tell us was coming, to that Discord guy, yeah, how the heck are you meant to fight a dude with the power to do anything? With Love and tolerance? It was just as well those muguffin things happened to come along and do their muguffin thing.
Saved all of Equestria they did. Had a party and celebration and immortalised in stained glass in the Canterlot palace.
And then the day after no one cared.
That's gratitude for ya. I wish I knew this was how heroes were treated around here, I would have saved myself the idiotic hopes of someday saving the day and bathing my life in accolades and glory. And by that I mean sex and money. if only I knew this was how Equestria treated their saviours back before I signed that dotted line.
Personally I fell for that damn poster of Celestia wearing those stupid sexy bedroom eyes looking straight at you and pointing directly at you with the words "Equestria need YOU." Now don't misunderstand, I first thought that those eyes were of a serious ruler like everyone else. Eyes glaring at you commandingly, with dignity and nobility. The face of a real qu- I mean princess.
But then I heard stories, y'know. I heard the guard liked to nickname our blessed divine ruler "Molestia." There are so many stories.of mares, stallions, fillies and colts every single night getting action with the princess. Sure they all ended with the ponies being horribly scarred and whatnot, but I always thought they were just being a bunch of pussies. I mean come on, a chance to rut with a princess? Arguably the most beautiful thing in all of Equestria? Me, myself and I get to mount... THAT?
You'd have to be stupid to refuse that offer.
And so I never looked at Celestia the same way again. Celestia however doesn't look at me, period. I'm in constant guard duty to some stupid emergency exit or the dungeons. Not even the dungeons itself where I can at least immerse myself in the atmosphere or some deep philosophy bollocks like that. Nope. I gotta guard the entrance to the dungeons which looks like pretty much like the rest of the palace.
Celestia... I guess I've been talking to you for awhile now. Still listening away to these thoughts of mine huh. Well guess what I've been doing all this time?
Watching some Rainbow maned, probably lesbian, mare making stupid faces at me for the second damn time. Celestia...I swear to you at the first instance I wanted to smack that mare in the face.
"Hey, are you one of those guards that can't do anything no matter what I do?" She'd say.
*smack
"Yes. Yes I am." I would crisply reply.
Oh that would be so bucking good, I swear I would cream myself. I'm not kidding either. Ever tried clopping in barracks filled with cots next to each other full of other guards? Me neither and I don't think I want to know the humiliation of finding out. Because in that slippery slope of trying it out, you'd want to try it again, and eventually you WILL be found out.
Oh Celestia I'm getting funny looks. I better calm down. That mare certainly noticed and made her uncomfortable enough to go away (definitely gay), but she'd most certainly tell her friends. Gotta get rid of the evidence or it'll turn into a big deal.
Ok, just breath. Think of... I got nothing. Yeah that'll work, think of nothing.
...
This is dumb. Whatever, I'll just say it's always like that, if I'm prompted to answer.
Maybe I'll calm down if I distract myself by listening intently at this silly froo froo wedding rehearsal thing. Stupid Shining Armour. A cadet the same day as me and he's captain of the royal freakin guard and gonna be married to a Princess! Well at least the mare's a total bitch, I guess that's something. He has to live with that... that... beautiful... pink... pony princess.
...
Shining Armour oh how I hate you. How I hate you so much. Hate hate hate. So much.much hate.
"Has anyone seen Twilight?" Shining armour said. Yeah, the cadet who's sister is a student of Celestia just so happens to be baby sat by the bucking princess of love. Some dicks gets all the luck.
"I'm here!"
What? Ow! Why are we posted right next to a swinging door that can smack us in the face!? I guess I understand why people also call her Trollestia. Stupid sexy princess.
In any case what the hay is this crazy purple unicorn talking about? The bride's evil? I mean yeah, duh she's a bitch but... evil magic?
Well whatever, let's watch you get put in your place and your friends leave you.
Oh don't break out into song and pose all forlorn before the throne. I'm sure there's some law against that and I gotta do something about it.
Wait a minute, how did Cadance come from the throne when I just saw her dash out through the doors?
Oh god! That bitch is using some sorta evil magic to trap the princess's student! Teleport away you supposedly masterful magical unicorn. Teleport like that spaz you were a few seconds ago!
Great! She got captured. You know what that means. Work.
"You! Guard!" Huh? Is she talking to me?
Well I guess I'm the only guard around, since the other dude mysteriously vanished so I guess she's talking to me,
"Yes your highness?" Is this one of those times when I'm suppose to swear secrecy because I'm ordered to? Because I really wouldn't be able to keep that promise. I'd tell the whole of Equestria about it. I'm a blabber mouth like that. Even in my...
"Sleep."
... head.
I better stay asleep for this whole thing even when I'm not. I think there's going to be some fighting going on and I really really can't be asked to save Equestria today. Those muguffin things would probably do their thing anyway.
