The World Spike Only Knows
"It's your turn, Applejack." Spike smirked arrogantly.
Spike stood in front of a tall, full-body mirror, grinning maniacally as he flexed his torso. Tonight was going to be a fine night, Spike chuckled darkly. A fine night indeed. Because this night was destined to become the first in his conquest for Applejack. The baby dragon had been anticipating this moment for weeks now, ever since he had started playing the new dating simulator he’d mysteriously received in the mail.
Spike’s Dating Simulator
Spike remembered that particular morning. It was just any other normal morning. Nothing seemed off or odd when the baby dragon woke up. There wasn’t any foreboding sense of calamity befalling him when he brushed his teeth at the bathroom sink. His face was clear of zits and blemishes, breakfast went by without any trouble, and Twilight Sparkle wasn’t called on some urgent mission to save Equestria like she was often accustomed to. She was simply out doing regular, everyday errands, while Spike was left to complete his chores at the Library.
Until a soft knock at the door brought Spike out of his monotonous tasks. Who was going to be the first pony Spike would see other than Twilight that day? The knock officially signified the fresh start to a brand new day. It might have been somepony looking to check out a book, or maybe it was mail delivery addressed to Golden Oaks. Time to find out, Spike thought, setting down the stack of books he had been carrying to open the door.
“Oh, hi, Derpy. Got mail for us today?” Spike smiled, greeting the grey mailpony hovering at the foot of the entrance.
“Sure do, Spike.” Derpy Hooves nodded, reaching into her saddlebag for the appropriate delivery. “And it’s a special delivery, too!”
“Special? How so?” Spike wondered aloud, eyeing the package in Derpy’s hooves.
“Because this time I’ve got something for you!” Derpy replied happily, handing the package to the surprised dragon.
“For me? Not for Twilight?” Spike said incredulously, staring at the bulky, rectangular bundle in his hands.
“It only has your name on it.” She pointed out, giggling. “Have to go now, Spike! Hope you like whatever you got!”
Spike waved farewell as Derpy Hooves made her exit. It was a calmingly warm day, perfect for being outside and delivering mail. What a convenient job, Spike thought, watching as the mailpony suddenly flew headfirst into a neighbor’s door. Well, convenient enough…
“Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten mail just for me before.” Spike spoke to himself joyously, spotting his name in all caps written out on the package’s recipient sticker.
Closing the front door, Spike continued to stare adoringly at his first postal gift. Whether it was a gift or not, Spike didn’t care at the moment. Because to him it was like receiving an early Hearth’s Warming present. Who could have been so kind? So generous? There wasn’t any sender labeled anywhere on the package, perhaps it would be revealed when he opened it.
At that Spike gently peeled away the papery packaging sheets, careful not to cause any tears or rips so that he may later preserve this memorable experience. After everything was free from its bonds, Spike was shocked once again to come upon a brand new laptop computer, a purple compact disc and a blank, sealed letter. This…couldn’t be, Spike stood stunned. Who could have sent these to him? Laptop devices had recently become fresh on the market, and only the most socioeconomically superior ponies could afford them. Why had one of these tremendously expensive products been sent to Spike in the first place, anyway? He wasn’t associated with anypony wealthy enough to receive such luxurious donations.
There were Diamond Tiara and her father Filthy Rich, Spike guessed. But he wasn’t close to them at all. It could have possibly been from his buddies back at Canterlot. Again, he wasn’t even remotely bonded enough to any of them to be given these costly items. Princess Celestia? Spike couldn’t even think of a single scenario in which a laptop computer would be sent to him via the postal office.
Spike was stumped. No ideas were coming to him, and he realized he might discover the answer to his inquiries by reading the letter. Peeling away the mysterious letter’s seal, the baby dragon slid out a small piece of paper, and on it wrote:
Dear Spike,
What’s up, bro? You still not gettin’ any ass from those little ponies? I’ve been watching you from afar for a while now, and I gotta admit, dude, you’re pretty awesome. I mean, everytime you open your mouth, I laugh. I know, I know. You’re probably a bit freaked out right now about this whole letter thing, huh? Don’t worry about it, though. I promise I’m not a stalker or anything. I can just see all and tell all. That’s it, okay? I’m not going to delve more into who or what I am, because I’m sure the explanation’s just going to fry your brain like eggs on a skillet. Ha! So where was I? Oh, right! Yeah, so, Spike, you’re definitely a pal to me, even if we’ve never officially met. Nonetheless, I feel obligated to return the kindness you’ve unintentionally bestowed upon me. With this letter is a laptop computer and a CD you’re to put inside it. I took the liberty to programming a special little game for you, so enjoy it, alright? You don’t have to tell me what you think of it, because I already know for a fact you’re going to like it. Just don’t get the computer all sticky. You’re going to want to play this game for as long as you can. Trust me on that, man. Cool, so I guess that’s it then. Uh, what else do I need to say? Good luck, I guess? Nah, you’ll be fine. You’re a swagon, after all. The greatest pimp Equestria will ever know.
Have fun, dude. You deserve all the bitches.
Brohoof,
MallaJong
P.S. Don’t let anypony catch you playing this game.
P.P.S. Especially Twilight Sparkle. Seriously, she’d freak like a fucking lioness on steroids.
P.P.P.S. Derpy’s pretty damn hot, am I right?
Spike had reread that letter a thousand times. Each reread was followed by a dumbstruck expression and an impending sense of doom. Who was MallaJong? Was that a pony he knew once before but somehow forgot about? He – or she – could see all and tell all? What did that even mean? MallaJong claimed to be omniscient, and that he – or she – was watching Spike from afar. A stalker was following Spike? And what’s a swagon? Did MallaJong perhaps misspell dragon? And then the sender also labeled him a pimp. Spike had heard about ‘pimps’ staying in the red light districts of Canterlot, and he abhorred the prostitution of helpless mares. The greatest pimp in all of Equestria? How absurd of an accusation! Lastly, how in the world did Spike deserve all the female dogs?
Spike didn’t get it. He just didn’t understand any of it. The laptop, the compact disc and especially the letter – nothing made sense. The first action that came to mind was to hide everything away and get back to work. He could go back to figuring out the answers after all his chores were finished.
After successfully concealing the gifts he received from yours truly, *wink, wink*, the hopelessly confused baby dragon returned to his previous responsibilities. Twilight Sparkle arrived a little earlier than expected, so Spike didn’t have any time to go back to his newly personal mail. At the end of the night, the baby dragon lied stiffly in his little basket, twiddling his thumbs contemplatively while attempting to comprehend the motivations of his anonymous sender. Alas, no results appeared to be solving this overbearing problem in his head, so he twiddled those stubby thumbs until he fell asleep.
Since then, day after day he refrained himself from picking up MallaJong’s ‘gifts’. They had been placed securely away from wandering eyes, though that never meant that their presence ever exited the back of the baby dragon’s mind. Because, admittedly, he was very interested to find what lay beyond the veil of the computer screen. The logical side of Spike’s brain would then swat at these prying thoughts, and he’d reprimand himself. He wasn’t going to involve himself with the materials of a lunatic stalker, was he? Right?
He definitely tried to stay away.
But his scathing curiosity ceaselessly jabbed at him harder and harder. Each passing minute brought about a stronger jab, and ultimately Spike began dreaming about the cryptic gifts. By week three, when he was alone at the Library, he had finally taken them out from their hiding place and gave them a quick scan. He was just looking at them. Nothing else to his behavior, Spike guaranteed nervously. Just a short look and back to their hiding place they’ll go.
He studied the exteriors of the laptop and compact disc, noting their slick and attractive physical features. Smooth surfaces accompanied soft gleams. Advanced technology was truly appealing to eye, Spike recognized, sliding a finger over the laptop’s cover. What was inside this piece of metal and plastic? What treasures awaited the baby dragon within these encoded vaults?
Spike really tried. He really did.
A month passed, and Spike couldn’t bear it any longer. Too many questions had popped up in that scaly noggin of his, and Spike finally opted to check out this tantalizing ‘game’. There was no going back for him now. He just had to know!
Spike planned the day he’d open the laptop computer. He planned it for the day Twilight slept over at Rarity’s home. It was a girls’ night out, and the purple mare’s assistant was left in solitude at the Library. She’d be gone for half the day before she returned the next afternoon, so that bestowed Spike plenty of time to play with his new present. Whether he liked the ‘game’ or not made no difference to him, because a brand new laptop was bound to keep him busy either way.
The time had come, and Spike seated himself on the floor of his room in front of the open laptop. Turning it on, his eyes widened at the LCD screen’s mesmerizing glow, anticipation coursing through his body. Everything looked so beautiful! Suddenly the screen flashed and presented a cyan desktop background. In the left hand corner of the screen was a conspicuous file labeled ‘read me.txt’. With his finger Spike used the touchpad to glide his mouse cursor over the file.
‘click, click’
Yo Spike,
So you actually decided to play my game, huh? Good for you! I’m proud of you, dude! Now that you’ve done it, there’s no going back, alright? I just want you to know that. This game is going to change your life, my friend. For the better, of course. Now hurry up and insert that disc into the CD-ROM! Your conquest begins now! Good luck!
Brohoof, muthafucka!
MallaJong
P.S. Bronies fo’ life, bitches!
Spike closed out of the textual document and sighed. Was he really was going to go through with this? Was he really about to place his life in the hands of a maniac? MallaJong at least seemed friendly enough, Spike ruminated, coming up with any excuses to continue forward. This was it. All he needed to do was place the compact disc into its appropriate slot and tap it in. A single push was the sole requirement to start up the ‘game’. Was he truly ready for whatever was ahead?
The laptop hummed softly as it read the contents of the disc. He did it.
The computer’s screen produced a strobe effect while its speakers buzzed and blipped. After a few seconds total blackness took over the entire screen, leaving Spike to gulp anxiously in anticipation. The hum died down and the speakers went silent. Nothing changed for a minute. Was that it? Did it stop working? Did it malfunction?
In an instant, the screen flashed, jolting Spike’s head back in shock. And what the laptop showed then had him reeling in utter astonishment. Right before him, on the laptop’s full screen, was the familiar view of the Library’s first floor. It must have been a picture, because Spike recognized the room as if it was taken on an everyday afternoon. Books were piled high in random spots, the wooden coffee table stood at the center, the old ladder was leaning on the shelves, and he could even make out the titles of a few hardcovers in the foreground. The colors were all vivid and correctly associated, and the shading held proper third-dimensional structure. High definition quality made the picture so lifelike; it was as if he could sink his hand right into the screen and touch something.
A transparent, lime green box opened on the bottom of the screen, and a line of text in white font was slowly written out.
– Good morning. Did you sleep well?, the text read.
A still-shot image of a smiling Twilight Sparkle then faded into the center of the screen. Spike noted the pony’s position seemed closer in proximity to the background. And like the Library floor, this still-shot must have been another picture. Could somepony have cut out a photograph of his mother figure and paste it in this program? Spike didn’t know what to think of this unexpected development.
He watched as a new purple font began to write out another line of text.
– Slept like a baby. I’m hungry. What would you like for breakfast?
– Oh, I’ve already eaten. Today’s your day off, Spike, so I decided to let you sleep in. I have breakfast ready for you in the kitchen.
– Really? That’s nice. Thanks.
– Today I’m going to be really busy, so I’ll be away for most of the day.
– More errands to do? Are you sure you don’t need my help?
– No, I’ll be fine. It’s your day off, anyway. So have fun, okay? Just make sure you don’t get into any trouble. Princess Celestia knows I’m too occupied as it is.
– Come on, Twilight. You can trust me.
– I know. You’re my number one assistant, after all. Well, I’ll be leaving now. Have a good day.
– Yeah, see you later.
Twilight Sparkle faded out and vanished from the screen. Spike had read the short exchange, and he was able to figure out two things. One: the purple font was supposed to represent him. He was actually input as a character in this program, yet he couldn’t understand how any of this constituted a ‘game’. Two: he was definitely being pranked on. Was MallaJong somehow getting a kick out of this sick joke? It was too ridiculous!
– It’s my day off, and I have a feeling today’s going to be fun. What should I do now?
Two transparent boxes popped up in the middle of the screen. Lines of text were written out in both.
– Eat breakfast. I need to build up strength for the day’s conquest!
– Forget breakfast! Let’s go conquer some bitches!
Spike waited a moment for the next thing to appear on the screen. It didn’t happen, for this particular image remained. Confused, he deliberated whether it was his turn to make an action. Were these boxes supposed to signify choices? Is this how the ‘game’ worked? Deciding to click on one of the options, Spike began moving his mouse cursor. He couldn’t quite fathom MallaJong’s fascination with female dogs, so he felt he should try to understand what all the hoot was about.
“Might as well give it a shot.” Spike murmured, lightly pushing down on the touchpad.
‘click, click’
– Forget breakfast! Let’s go conquer some bitches!
A brief transition of the background brought about yet another high definition screenshot, but this time of Ponyville. At the center of it was the town’s fountain, and to the left and right of it stood other ponies Spike could identify: Berry Punch, Lyra Heartstrings, Bon Bon and Carrot Top. They were positioned behind the fountain, therefore it was implied that they were located further in distance from the first-person speaker. The lime green dialogue box stayed on the screen, and a line of text reappeared.
– Mmm. The sun is high and the air is ripe! What a fine to day to conquer some ponies!
“Wait, bitches are ponies?” Spike asked the computer screen, startled.
A still-shot of Rainbow Dash faded into the center of the screen. Her facial expression sported a slight frown, and her mane drooped over her eyes. She appeared somewhat melancholic.
– Hey, Rainbow Dash. What’s wrong?
– Oh, hey, Spike.
– You look like something’s bothering you. What’s up?
– It’s nothing. I didn’t want you to see me like this.
– Now I know something’s definitely on your mind. I’m always here if you need me, Dash. You know that.
– Yeah, I guess you’re right. *SIGH*
“What’s wrong with Rainbow Dash?” Spike asked worriedly, absorbed into the dialogue exchange.
– I know what’d cheer you up! How about I accompany you on a flight through these blue skies?
– You mean, like I carry you on my back and I fly? Isn’t that just a piggy-back ride?
– Except you can go as fast as you want!
– Isn’t that kind of dangerous, though? Don't get me wrong, I'm okay with danger, but that's a bit–
– Look, are we doing it or not? It’s my day off, you know. I don’t have to waste my precious time with you.
“I don’t talk like that all.” Spike grimaced. “This game’s got me all wrong.”
– Uh…OKAY! Hop on and we can take off!
– Atta, girl!
“Dash would never react like that.” Spike said, shaking his head.
The next image was of Rainbow Dash soaring speedily through the sky. Large, purple claws hung onto the mare’s polychromatic mane, creating a scene in which the first-person was partially visible.
Spike gaped in amazement while holding up his claws. How did MallaJong get a picture of him flying on top of Rainbow Dash? And in the first-person view, no less? This was becoming too freaky for the baby dragon, yet he didn’t really mind it as much as he thought he would. He could have shut the computer right there and never looked back. He could have secretly disposed of it at the local dump and never think upon it. Everything could have gone back to normal, and Spike could have resumed his role as the innocent little assistant for the Elements of Harmony.
He didn’t, though. MallaJong’s ‘game’ was just too intriguing to shut down. What other images did it have in store for the baby dragon? As he calmly observed the subsequent events, Spike read each text as it appeared on cue.
– This is actually pretty fun, Spike! Thanks for cheering me up!
– You’re welcome, Dash! Riding on your back is pretty damn cool!
“Pretty…damn…cool.” Spike repeated the words slowly. “Huh. Interesting word.”
– Okay, I’m going to speed up!
– Go for it! Whoa, that’s fast! Uh, I’m kind of losing my grip, Dash! Maybe you should slow down!
– What was that? I can’t hear you!
– Slow down, bitch! Slow down! Uh, oh…
“Uh, oh?” Spike read aloud.
– I’m losing my strength! Oh, man! I knew I should have eaten breakfast today!
“Huh?” Spike blurted out.
– You need to hold on to me more tightly, Spike! Spike?
The next screenshot showed Spike falling freely, now a few meters from splattering onto an empty plateau of concrete.
– Damn it! I’m going to die now, aren’t I? I didn’t even get to conquer a bitch!
BAD END
Spike’s jaw dropped as the computer screen reverted back to the original image of the inside of Ponyville’s Library.
– Good morning. Did you sleep well?
“W-What just happened?” Spike sat dumbstruck, observing as previously read text reappeared in the dialogue box.
– Slept like a baby. I’m hungry. What would you like for breakfast?
“I’ve already read this.” Spike grumbled. “I can actually die in this game? But why? I didn’t even do anything wrong.”
After the game’s opening dialogue exchange had finished and Twilight had exited, two familiar boxes popped up right back onto the screen.
– Eat breakfast. I need to build up strength for the day’s conquest!
– Forget breakfast! Let’s go conquer some bitches!
‘click, click’
– Forget breakfast! Let’s go conquer some bitches!
Spike glared at his computer screen in irritation as the exact same death scene occurred once again. The program featured Spike and Rainbow Dash flying through the sky, and then Spike fell off and cried in vain. This confirmed that he really did die…in the game.
BAD END
“I don’t get it.” Spike gritted his teeth. “Is this the game?”
The opening scene went through for the third time and Spike came upon the two choice boxes.
– Eat breakfast. I need to build up strength for the day’s conquest!
– Forget breakfast! Let’s go conquer some bitches!
The sudden realization struck Spike like a freight train. He understood now. The reason he died was because he made the wrong choice! That was the point of this game! Choose and click the correct decisions and the player is allowed to progress into the program’s storyline. This newfound information gave Spike a little reassurance. Maybe he wouldn’t die if he actually decided to eat his breakfast.
‘click, click’
– Eat breakfast. I need to build up my strength for the day’s conquest!
The next scene presented Spike eating an average-looking hay sandwich on rye bread. Half a cup of apple juice and some shiny jewels decorated the edges of his plate. In the background most of the kitchen appeared clean except for the over-stacked dirty dishes piled in the sink. Twilight hadn't washed any of the kitchenware.
– Day off, my ass. She’s expecting me to wash those dishes, anyway, isn’t she? That bitch.
“Twilight never washes the dishes…” Spike muttered quietly. “What did you expect, Game-Spike?”
– I don’t care. I’m not washing those dishes. Today’s all about conquering the bitches!
“Why is everything about ‘bitches’ in this game?” Spike wondered.
The scene at Ponyville’s fountain appeared once again, but this time a different line of text was written out in the dialogue box.
– So many bitches, so little time. Which one should I conquer first?
To Spike’s surprise, instead of two choice boxes popping up, five did. And to the baby dragon they all seemed oddly captivating. He didn’t quite grasp the meaning of ‘conquering’ just yet, but something deep inside told him he’d soon find out.
– Where’s that Rainbow Dash? She needs a lesson in the pleasures of the male anatomy.
– Pinkie Pie’s off doing something goofy, I bet. Maybe I should join in. *wink, wink*
– Is that Vinyl Scratch I see? I heard her skills can really blow you away.
– Imma' learn true apple buckin’ fram Applejack.
– Ponyville’s lame. The bitches in Canterlot are the real party animals.
He didn’t know why, but for some reason Spike believed there were hidden implications behind the words of the choices. He couldn’t pinpoint what they were, though. He was already immersed in the ‘game’ for this long, so there was no hesitation on his part when he slid his finger along the touchpad.
What’d happen if he chose one of the boxes?
‘click, click’
From that moment on Spike was exposed to an entirely new world based upon the conquest of ponies. He learned that the reality of a conquest revolved around creative thinking and wise decision-making. Through these teachings Spike became an expert at avoiding the countless bad ends sprinkled into the game. Each bad end either resulted in the player’s death or a rejection from a mare, and it’d always revert Spike back to the introductory chat with Twilight Sparkle at the Library.
It was a game of trial and error. It required a keen memory, and after advancing into a newer line of dialogue with the ponies he selected, Spike’s excitement would skyrocket. To reveal a new background screenshot and to witness a different scene in the game inevitably converted into goals. Goals he had to accomplish. All night Spike spent clicking at his laptop computer, chuckling and congratulating his successful efforts as he hustled through the game’s many obstacles. MallaJong’s program had plucked at the baby dragon’s competitive nature, and ever so gradually it was consuming him.
Spike labeled each conquest as a ‘route’. There was Rainbow Dash’s route, Pinkie Pie’s route, Vinyl Scratch’s route, Applejack’s route and if he decided to take a train to Canterlot, he could have a chance at conquering Princess Luna. Each route provided a diverse and engaging storyline. Spike found himself in a love bet during Rainbow Dash’s route, while during Pinkie Pie’s he was sucked into a sudden relationship. For Vinyl Scratch he was forced to be her assistant, and as the plot developed the baby dragon discovered that the deejay pony started to harbor sentiments of attraction towards him. Princess Luna’s route was possibly the most engrossing, however. If the player smoothed-talked his way onto the balcony of Canterlot Castle with the alicorn at his side, he’d be able to make-out with her under a sheet of glimmering stars.
Spike was enthralled by the whole experience. The game was romantic, comedic, thrilling and unreservedly thought-provoking. It tugged at his heart-stings while also busting his gut. Conquering a pony meant conquering the heart of one. It was apparent that he was stimulated in more ways than one throughout it all, too. The baby dragon was so submerged in the gameplay that, by the time the sun had risen the next morning, he had adopted the language and attitude of the protagonist.
He finally knew what ‘bitch’ meant to portray. ‘Damn’ added great depth to his vocabulary, as it suggested agitation and distress. ‘Conquer’ stood on a mental pedestal as he hailed it as his new favorite word. This life within the game…This confident, virile macho-dragon of a character…This epic adventure of romance and female submission…It was delicious. And he didn’t want the taste to ever dry up.
He wanted to be MallaJong’s creation. He desired to become the main character of this very game. Because that Spike was the one that garnered the purest of adulations. He conquered and reigned like a king. The rightful king of Equestria’s mares! Four mares weren’t enough! He still needed to complete Applejack’s route. The earth farm pony of Ponyville was to become his final conquest, but he knew that it wouldn’t end there. Oh, no. The game was just the beginning of a new era, the era of Spike!
‘tap, tap, tap, tap’
Spike whipped his head up in shock. He just heard something. The soft taps of hooves? What time was it? He turned to face the clock atop Twilight’s bedside table. It was already the afternoon! Twilight was back from her sleepover with Rarity! No, no, no! He didn’t get to start on Applejack’s conquest yet!
“Damn it! Why did she have to come now?” Spike cursed in whispers, exiting out of the program and closing his laptop computer.
Hiding it away, Spike curled up in his basket and feigned sleep. He could faintly detect the sounds of Twilight Sparkle’s ascension to their room. The door then swung open and revealed the lavender mare.
“Are you still asleep? You need to get up now, Spike. We have to get back to work.” Twilight Sparkle nudged her assistant’s basket gently.
“I’m up, I’m up.” Spike groaned, wiping his eyes with an arm.
Twilight noticed Spike’s blood-shot eyes. It didn’t look like he had a single minute of shut-eye.
“Spike, have you been up all night? Your eyes are so red!”
“I’m okay, Twilight. Let’s just get back to work, alright?” Spike groggily climbed out of his basket, looking down so as not to alert his mother figure of any misbehavior.
“It doesn’t look like you’re fine.” Twilight marked stubbornly. “What were you doing last night?”
“Conquering some bitches.” Spike muttered under his breath.
“What was that?” Twilight Sparkle hadn’t heard the baby dragon’s truth.
“Preparing for today’s work, of course.” Spike beamed brightly, dissipating Twilight’s apprehension.
“Oh, you didn’t have to do that. Sometimes I think you work too hard.” Twilight Sparkle hugged Spike warmly, nuzzling his head. “You’re really are my number one assistant, aren’t you?”
For now, Spike thought. But soon the assistant will rise unto the throne of the king. Until he conquered Applejack’s route, his journey to kingship would be postponed. Earning a hundred percent completion of the game was first priority on his list of tasks. But before then he had to continue to act as the innocent little assistant he knew he was never destined to be. For his eyes were now open to the glorious future!
For weeks Spike acted like a proper thespian. He pretended to be the guiltless baby dragon before the encounter of MallaJong’s game, though it was more difficult than he originally anticipated. At times his ‘conquering’ attitude would slip, but he was able to efficiently assuage any concerns with a perky smile. Spike was waiting for the right time to continue his conquest. All he needed was a few hours without Twilight Sparkle breathing down his neck. But the opportunity never came. Twilight was always around, and whenever she’d grant him some privacy it was only for two hours at most. That wasn’t enough time for a marathon of dominating. He just had to keep delaying the inevitable subjugation of Applejack. He just had to be patient.
Whenever he’d be near the Elements, he’d snicker at the thought of having ‘been with’ two of the six. Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie had no idea, too! It was hilarious to the baby dragon. Applejack’s conquest was imminent, Spike cooed sinisterly.
The fifth week had passed, and the thought of capturing the farm pony’s heart had him drooling. Then it happened! Twilight was invited to a sleepover at Sugarcube Corner with Pinkie Pie! Finally! The conquest was to begin tonight the very minute his mother figure left the Library! It was finally here! It was finally time!
“You’re next, Applejack.” Spike grinned maniacally, flexing in front of a full-body mirror.
Spike licked his lips hungrily as he started up the program on his laptop computer.
'click, click'
– Imma' learn true apple buckin’ fram Applejack.
A screenshot of Sweet Apple Acres presented a pristine representation of the land’s pasture fields and apple trees. The grass was green and the tree trunks were nice and thick, just like the real deal in Ponyville. A still-shot of a fatigued Applejack faded into the center of the foreground, and a line of text appeared right after.
– Hey, Applejack. Need any help with your apple bucking? You look pretty tired.
– Howdy, Spike. Didn’t see ya there. How ya doin’ on this fine day?
– It’s my day off, so it’s started off nicely, I admit. But you don’t seem to be having such an easy time. Do you need some help?
– Why, that’d be mighy kind of ya. But Ah’ don’t want to make you work on your day off. That’d be too cruel.
– Don’t worry about it. What are friends for, right?
– Are ya sure? It’s hard labor, Spike.
– Hey, Papa’s got it handled. Just tell me what to do.
– Alright then. If ya say so. You can hand me that there apple basket to collect all the falling apples.
– Gotcha covered. Just tell me when you’re ready.
The next scene was an image of Applejack bucking an apple tree with her mighty hind legs. Visible purple claws held out a large yellow basket at the foot of the tree. And apples of varying hues – red, yellow and green – fell freely from the multitude of protruding branches.
– Here they come! Catch em’, Spike!
Two choice boxes subsequently popped up.
– Go to the left.
– Go to the right.
Okay, this was the first set of choices in Applejack’s route. Left or right. It seemed simple enough, because only a lucky guess would allow Spike to catch all the descending apples.
‘click, click’
– Go to the right.
A screenshot of Spike’s body buried in apples transitioned in. His two legs were sticking out of the load of fruit. The baby dragon figured he hadn’t made the ‘right’ decision.
– Are ya okay there, buddy? Spike? Hello?
– I’m…blacking out…I probably…should have gone… to the left.
BAD END
“Tsk. How was I supposed to know to go to the left? And how do falling apples cause me to black out? I have scales.” Spike clicked his tongue, obviously peeved. “Whatever. The next time’s going to be better.”
After going through the opening and eating breakfast, Spike made his way back to Applejack’s route.
– Go to the left
– Go to the right
‘click, click’
– Go the left.
Spike successfully caught all the falling apples on his second try. The next line of dialogue followed.
– Good catch! Now grab another basket and get ready for another.
– Whew. That was a close one. Hmm…Maybe I should position myself underneath the falling apples before you buck. That way I don’t have to keep running around like a decapitated chicken.
– Here Ah’ go!
Two more choice boxes popped up, causing Spike to furrow his brow. Two more choices already? They didn’t ever appear right after each other in the other routes. Applejack’s must have been a bit more challenging, seeing as it concentrated on aiding her apple bucking.
– Go to the left.
– Go the right.
And again the choices relied on nothing but chance. Hopefully Spike wouldn’t have to restart the conversation with Twilight back at the Library. Maybe he’d be lucky this time.
‘click, click’
– Go to the right.
– Oh, my lordy! Spike!
An image of Spike getting bucked right in the snout flashed onto the screen. It looked rather painful.
– Why did ya move right behind me? Spike! Can ya hear me? Spike! Ya ain’t movin’ a muscle! Tell me you’re okay, buddy. You ain’t breathin’ either! Spike!
BAD END
“Oh, come on!” Spike shouted, frustrated. “I wouldn’t ever be stupid enough to position myself right behind Applejack like that!”
The pent-up anticipation for this night had Spike on the edge and rattled. Getting two bad ends so early in the conquest wasn’t sitting too well with the baby dragon. He didn’t have any more patience for another one of these unreasonable ‘chance’ decisions.
Spike tapped feverishly on the computer touchpad as he selected through the appropriate choices leading up to the second set in Applejack’s route. Okay, now go to the left.
‘click, click, click, click, click, click’
– Go to the right.
“NO! NOT ‘GO TO THE RIGHT’! GO TO THE LEFT!” Spike screamed angrily as the image of Applejack bucking his face flashed back onto the screen. “AGH! I DIDN’T CLICK ON ‘GO TO THE RIGHT’!”
BAD END
Actually, Spike did click on ‘go to the right’. He had done so accidentally while he insanely clicked on his laptop’s touchpad. The mouse cursor had traveled over ‘go to the right’ and selected it before it could reach ‘go to the left’, which was the real choice required for advancement. Fuming heatedly after his third bad end, Spike clicked violently onto the touchpad as he sped through the lines of dialogue to reach Applejack’s second choice set.
– Go to the left.
“FINALLY!” Spike jumped.
– Nice job, buddy! Yer doin’ it real good! Now get yerself ready for one more bucking!
Two agonizingly familiar choice boxes popped up. Spike face-palmed while grinding his teeth furiously.
– Go to the left.
– Go to the right.
“Calm down, Spike. This is the third one, but the next one’s bound to be different.” Spike inhaled and exhaled, attempting to compose himself. “Just click the right choice, and you’re golden.”
‘click, click’
– Go to the left.
BAD END
“WHAT?! BUT NOTHING HAPPENED!” Spike shrieked at his laptop in a fit of rage. “DAMN YOU, MALLAJONG! DAMN YOU!”
That entire night, Spike intermittently ran into a barrage of ‘chance’ obstacles, each time receiving a bad end. His luck had run out, and the baby dragon’s fury predictably reached its boiling state. Morning came, and he had barely made any progress into Applejack’s true route. He had only finished helping her out with apple bucking, and the farm pony had invited the player into her home.
– Ya really helped me out, Spike. I don’t know what Ah’d do without ya.
“You have no idea how long that took!” Spike spat, bits of saliva hitting the LCD screen. “You better be worth it, Applejack!”
– Let me treat ya to some homemade apple pies. Granny Smith’s just finished with bakin’ them. So they’re fresh!
– Yum. Let’s go!
“Good, good.” Spike rubbed his palms eagerly.
The inside of Applejack’s home appeared on the screen. Freshly baked pies and fritters lied atop a wooden dinner table. Chairs lined opposite sides of the table and a grand oven sat to the far left. A grey-haired Granny Smith holding one of her homemade apple pies was positioned deep into the background, and the still-shot of Applejack faded back into the center.
– Granny, you aint been makin’ these pies without yer glasses, now have ya?
A still-shot of a squinting Granny Smith faded next to Applejack.
– Glasses-Smashes! Ah' don’t need no glasses to make pie Ah've been makin’ for fifty-five years!
– I don’t know, Granny. Yer eyesight ain’t too good no more. I wouldn’t want ya to get hurt bakin’ these pies.
– I’ll be fine, Applejack. No need to worry when Granny Smith’s around!
– Can I eat now? I need to refuel for my conquest!
– Okay, Spike. Go ahead. Ya have first pick of whichever pie you’d like.
An image of two identical apple pies sitting right beside each other appeared onto the screen. And Spike already knew what was to come.
“No…” Spike shuddered in horror. “Don’t tell me…”
– Choose the left one.
– Choose the right one.
“NO! YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO ME NOW!” Spike cried in misery.
Spike face-palmed so many times his face went numb. Another choice set suddenly appeared, and to his mortification its resolution depended solely on luck. This was it. He couldn’t take it any longer. If he was going to make a decision, it was going to be the correct one! He wasn’t going back to the Library, and he wasn’t going to help that damn farm pony with her stupid apple bucking any longer! His conquest was blitzing forward! Applejack’s heart was almost in his clenched claw!
‘click, click’
– Choose the right one.
– I’ll take this one. Thanks for the grub, Applejack.
– No problem. Enjoy it!
– Don’t mind if I do.
An image of Spike greedily eating his selected apple pie was presented. There wasn’t a bad end. There wasn’t a bad end! Spike had made the right decision! There he was, heartily snacking on the apple pie. Oh, did it look delicious! It must have tasted as delicious as this conquest! The baby dragon fist-pumped in triumph, hooting jubilantly.
“I did it! I did it! Haha! It was the right one! I knew it!” Spike laughed merrily, clearly ecstatic by this marvelous achievement.
– Mmm! This is awesome! I might need another pie after thi– Erp…Ulp.
“Eh?” Spike went stiff as stone.
– Gagh. Agh! *COUGH, COUGH*
“No…”
– What’s happenin’ to him?! Granny, what did ya put in those pies?!
– Ah didn’t do nothin’ out of the ordinary! I just put this here special ingredient, that’s all!
– That’s rat poison! Granny, you couldn’t see the label?!
– Oh, dear.
A picture of Spike grabbing at his throat appeared on the screen. He was choking helplessly, gagging in fright until his eventual…
BAD END
"..................."
Spike sat mutely in front of his computer screen. His right eye twitched in an irregular pattern, and hours had gone by before he made a single movement. It was now the afternoon, and he could hear Twilight Sparkle entering the Library through the front entrance. Spike softly and carefully shut down his computer, and he silently placed it in its appropriate hiding spot, all the while slack-jawed and eye twitching.
“Spike? Are you here?” Twilight Sparkle called out from below.
Spike exited the room and descended the stairs like a ghost. He barely moved his back and neck as he flitted towards the front entrance passed Twilight Sparkle.
“Ready to get back to work? Because the afternoon was taken up by Pinkie Pie’s sleepover, today we’re working double time.” Twilight watched as Spike whizzed by her. “Spike? Where are you going?”
Spike ignored his mother figure, and when he finally closed shut the door behind him, he turned his head mechanically in the direction of a certain rural site. Sweet Apple Acres was just a few blocks away. The fertile fruit fields were half an hour walking distance from the Library. Great journeys begin with the first step, and at that Spike trekked onward.
Thirty minutes went by like a second to Spike. He still had not said anything and disregarded every passerby that greeted him on the way. And as his foot stepped onto the Apple Family’s property, Spike scanned it and searched for that little pony.
There she was. That orange, blonde-haired farm pony was a few meters yonder. She was busy partaking in her afternoon duties of apple bucking.
Spike continued forward like a predator on the prowl, but before he could reach his prey a yellow filly pounced out from a nearby bush.
“Heya, Spike! Nice to see ya come by! What can Ah do ya for?” Apple Bloom chirpily bounced, stunning Spike for a short moment.
“Not now, Apple Bloom.” Spike said curtly. “I need to see Applejack.”
“What do ya need mah sister for?” Apple Bloom asked curiously.
Spike didn’t answer. He swiftly pushed Apple Bloom aside and neared his target.
Spotting the baby dragon, Applejack perked up. “Oh, hi, Spike! What ya doin’ all the way out here?”
“Come here, bitch!” Spike yelled, pointing a finger at Applejack.
“What in the hay did ya just call me?!”
Spike forcefully grabbed Applejack’s muzzle and kissed her deeply. His tongue danced in the alarmed pony’s mouth, and he didn’t release his iron grip even when Applejack kicked about frantically. His masterful kissing persisted and the dumbfounded farm pony found herself melting in his embrace. His tongue…was too good to be true.
Abruptly parting their lips, Spike stared directly into Applejack’s dazed countenance. That was it. That was the look he had waited so long for.
“You’ve just been conquered.” Spike stated.
“W-What?” Applejack blushed, her eyes practically swimming now.
“You heard me.”
Freeing the muddled and strangely aroused mare, Spike walked away towards a wide-eyed Apple Bloom. Applejack fell on her flank, liquefied like chocolate in the sun.
“S-Spike…” Apple Bloom trembled in fear as Spike stopped in front of her.
He looked her up and down and nodded. “You’re next.”
