Veil

Smile was gone as quick as he came. Fluttershy must have been waiting around for me to finish talking, because she made an appearance as he left. I wish some of my friends in my world were like that, but unfortunately they are all self-centred and aren’t people you can trust.

“Come on, it’s getting late. We should go home.” Fluttershy said in her regular voice.

It was getting late; I don’t know how fast the time goes in this world, but it seems like it has been three days since I was in the forest. Like time is doubled or something… So we left the scene of all the busy ponies trying to get back home after either a long day of work, or a long day of play. We went back to Fluttershy’s cottage to be greeted by Angel tapping his foot. He was no doubt angry that his caretaker was out all day; not giving him any food. He was a picky eater though; Fluttershy knew that as well.

I think Angel was scared to see me. He ran back into the house as soon as he saw me, which did nothing to improve my self-esteem. But, it happens.

“Welcome to my home” Fluttershy said with glee. She was ecstatic to have a visitor other than the cutie mark crusaders; they caused her more than a little trouble. I was grateful to have a place to stay, but the double-time thing they have in their world could make sleep very difficult. But I didn’t care.

She showed me to her spare room on the second floor of the house; the one the cutie mark crusaders stayed in. It was like I was about to sleep in history.

I collapsed on the bed and let out a long sigh. I was worried about meeting Smile tomorrow; something about him seemed strange, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Only time will tell, I guess. I wriggled in bed, trying to get as comfortable as possible before I even think about sleep. It was a weird obsessive compulsive; that and making sure everything is spot on. I hear OCD is a side effect of taking anti-depressants; I don’t disagree.

I remembered how afraid I was when I first arrived here… how I scared I was to be alone. It made me think about just how much I don’t fit in with the people in my school. I mean, maybe I just don’t let myself connect: I constantly avoid others. Maybe I should be ‘more assertive’. Funny how that works. TRY to connect, and no matter how different you are, it could always make a difference.

I decided that thinking about it too much was pointless; that life was behind me. I’m here now, and I plan to keep it that way. I should find an escape route or something in case something goes wrong. But what are the chances of something going wrong in Equestria? After thinking about it for a while, the chances are pretty high. What, with the Discord incident, along with all the other shenanigans the ponies get up to, this is almost as dangerous as my world in certain ways. But you never really hear about death, here.

As my mind wandered around almost everything I could think of… I began to sleep.

I had slept nearly all morning and was wondering when Fluttershy would come up to say good morning. I couldn’t be bothered opening my eyes; I was too comfortable and too tired. That and the thin line of light that pierced the window. I rolled over onto my side and began to try and get out of bed. Now in an upright position, with my eyes still unfocused, I begin to hear Jack’s alarm go off.

No. No, this can’t be happening. What about Equestria? What about Smile? Jack began to roll over and stretch out his hand to the snooze button. He hit it as he normally did; aggressively and loud. I began to quietly weep on the bed. I knew what I had lost, but not how I lost it. What had happened?

“Jack, what day is it?”

“Mate, its Saturday. I forgot to unplug the alarm. How strange.” He was a sadistic bastard and he knew it. He has no idea what I have been though, but maybe he knows what happened.

“Jack, did you notice anything strange about me while I was sleeping?” He tilted his head. He reminded me so much of the citizens of Ponyville, and that hurt.

“No… what do you mean by strange?” I let out a sigh and shook my head. How was he to know? I couldn’t just tell him, he would think I was insane, and that is what I don’t want right now; someone to think I’m insane and treat me like a total social outcast. So a regular day then?

I got up out of bed and put on my shoes; like I did in the small hospital in Ponyville. I was still in my clothes; my flannel long sleeve over shirt and black tee underneath and my dark blue jeans. It wasn’t strange how I was still in my clothes, I was in them after I hogged down the anti-depressants, so why shouldn’t they be on me now?

“Where are you going at this hour on a Saturday? You never exercise.” Wow. Really? It was all about exercise for Jack. He never knows when to leave alone. I even asked him a question.

“What would you do if someone began to threaten you in the street?”

“I’d get him in a chokehold.” Good one, Jack. Absolute GENIUS. What if he was a crazed drug addict or someone that just escaped from an asylum? One swift movement of his arm and poor old Jack would bleed out in the street. What a damn shame.

I took my guitar from its regular spot next to the door, and I left him there in bed. But not after I turned the light on so he could wake up with some fake sunshine. Now I was in the hallway; no one was up at this hour on a Saturday, but Jack’s loud alarm woke up Darcy Golding and Ted Hunt in the room next to ours. I swear if you compared the sound of Jack’s alarm with that of an atomic bomb, Jack’s alarm would come out victorious.

So there I was. Standing outside my room on the second floor of the Wigan house dormitory, confused as hell as to what had happened. I wanted to go back, but what if I die next time I take that many pills? Well, I might get to stay there forever; who knows?

I went down the stairs and took a sharp right to the door to the outside world; somewhere I could go to forget things. Why I was taking my guitar is because I always play over the road from the school in front of the newsagents. It is the perfect spot, I think, because people are still putting away the change from buying their papers. And apart from it being the ideal choice to make a buck, i feel like it’s the only way I can get a message across. How I’m feeling, how I wish I could feel, that sort of message. But it has been really cold recently; nearly too cold to play, but I play anyway. I just have to slow the tempo down to the point my frozen fingers can get to the right fret in time.

But this time, I wasn’t going over the road. I was going to walk around the lake for once; play my guitar while I walked. Maybe it would give me some clarity; but I doubt it. That long walk around the lake, which I have only done a few times in the past; gives you too much time to think. Time that I would no doubt want to spend on the computer; staying connected with people. People like me.

It was nice to finally get outside in my world, even though the trees were all barren; it’s like it’s always winter here all the time. Cold enough to be, but the sun is out on a regular basis so I can’t complain.

I was nearly half way around the lake and I was still thinking away. I was even thinking about thinking, which is something I normally do; I think too much which is something I just kind of developed after year 7 and 8 in school. I was the odd one out, and the only person I could rely on was myself. So that’s what I did. I didn’t talk to anyone in school, for fear of saying something stupid or getting into something that I can’t go back on. Something like drugs. It’s funny, because that is exactly what I did. I didn’t have a choice; not really. It was the only way I knew how to fit in with the others.

I think that drugs lead me to the anti-depressants. I wouldn’t disagree with anyone that said that, though. It was I mistake I made, and now I have to live with it. Although, if I didn’t take the drugs, I wouldn’t have taken the anti-depressants. I wouldn’t have begun to watch My Little Pony at an almost constant rate. And I wouldn’t have overdosed on them and had a strange dream. A dream. That’s what annoys me. It was so real; I could smell the smells, taste the food…

I was finally around the lake. It seemed like no time had passed at all, but it was now around 8:00 and I was wide awake. I was all out of anti-depressants, so I guess this day would be one that sucks.

So a regular day then?

I was walking down Forest Street, as I do normally after going over the road for ‘supplies’. Things like gummy bears and the cola that is always on sale, no matter how many were left on the shelf. It was good, when I had the money. So I got into the routine; go busking, buy gummy bears. It was a great system.

But this time something was different. It felt like something was watching me, but no one was around. Could just be a withdrawal symptom, but I don’t know; I’ve never not had the pills in my system. But I knew something was following me o I quickened my pace and entered the school grounds.

Back in Wigan house. I was glad I was inside out of the cold, but I’m sure the heaters weren’t on; like always. That annoys me. When the heaters are off and it’s like 6 degrees outside. I kept walking down the hallway of the first floor and entered the small kitchen space where I could turn on the heat, and crank it up. Nothing like 28 degree heat in a room with a closed window.

I went upstairs, everyone was still asleep, which wasn’t strange on a Saturday. But what was strange is that there wasn’t anybody in the showers getting ready for Saturday sport, or whatever the hell they do; sporty people, right?

I took the guitar strap off my shoulder and held the guitar in my left hand so I could open the door to my room. I fumbled with it a bit, and banged it on the door, before successfully grasping the handle. I pushed down on the handle and  pushed in the door with my shoulder.

Jack was gone, which was very different. He loves to sleep in when he can, so him being up and out is something I have never heard of on a Saturday. I put down my guitar, in its usual place next to the door and kicked off my shoes.

What was even stranger was that there was a bottle of pills on my desk, placed on top of a note. I lifted the pills off the small piece of paper. ‘Smile’ the note had written on it, in rather dull handwriting. It was smudged in places, but I could see no finger prints or anything on it.

‘Smile’… Lenny Smile. I think that is what was strange about him. What if he could travel inter-dimensionally? That’s a laugh. It must have been a dream, because I woke up here, in my room, on my bed in the exact same position.

What if I can go back…? How many did I have last time, 18? But this bottle is full. If Smile gave me these pills, he must have wanted me to take every single one; a prolonged effect or something?

So I sat there contemplating it for a while… I couldn’t really decide.

So I decided to wait until Monday. Maybe then I would know what to do; have a bad day, I take the pills. A good day, I wait for one more day. In the end, I will take the pills. It’s only a matter of time.

Finally get to start school again. Same routine; wake up at 6:00am, get dressed, crank some tunes to annoy the shit out of my roommate, go to breakfast, eat breakfast, leave breakfast, go back to my dorm, gather my school things and go to school. I seem to be great at the whole morning thing. It’s funny; people ask me how I get dressed so fast. I tell them years of practice, rather cynically. I really am a jerk.

Start off the day. Feeling GREAT. Glad to have a clear head for once, but not glad to be off the pills for a short amount of time. I think they made me grumpy, or something; I’m never usually so agitated about things. Depressed, sure, but not agitated.

First up is your mathematics. I’m not bad at maths, but I wasn’t always good at it either. After year 6 it just slowly degraded until the point where my schooling is at risk. So I picked up the pace; listening to music the whole time. Not loudly, just loud enough so I can hear what the teacher is saying. It actually helps me remember the formulae.

Nothing went wrong in maths; I kept my head down the whole time and took down all the notes I could before my teacher impatiently wiped the board. That really annoys me: teachers that can’t wait to wipe off the notes.

Second is Music. I love music, but not the people in my class. They always berate me and hassle me to try and make me ‘stop liking’ My Little Pony. Like Brony’s aren’t people too, or something ridiculously stupid like that.

It still wasn’t enough to make me take the pills, but they were rather tempting right now. Like I couldn’t wait to get home and think about it again.

The day just went on and on. Physical education, Science… and then finally, the day was over. And trying the pills seemed like they could be an alternative to this dull place. I arrived at my dorm; music was pumping from my room. Must be Jack.

Up the stairs and across the hallway into my room; I know the place off by heart. Open the door, walk in, drop all my crap, take out my loan netbook and turn on some music. That always gets him; he hates it when I take back my speakers when he’s using them. What an asshole.

Now that his music his gone, I can sit happily alone; he leaves the room whenever I play it. A weird thing he does all the time, leaving the room when he doesn’t get his way.

Now I’m all alone. I have the pills sitting in front of me, which is good. Always good to have fucking happy pills you are about to forcefully overdose on so you can travel inter dimensionally to a land filled with unicorns and ponies.

It was definitely tempting. I hadn’t had one in a long while and I bet they taste so good…

I emptied the bottle onto my desk. And I filled my glass with water. I count around 24 pills. These ones are smaller than the ones I got from the pharmacy; that should make it easy to fit in a few at a time. I took the first 6 pills and just held them in my hand for a while. I thought about death; how this could be the last time I look at the world.

I opened the curtain to my window, still holding the pills tight in my hand. It was green for the first time I can remember; the cold never let the trees show their leaves. A smile twitched it’s way onto my face. And then a tear.

I took the water and threw the pills into my mouth. I swallowed.

I took 6 more, and took a mouthful of water beforehand; to keep them down.

6 more pills, I hit my old high-score.

I’m out of water; need to get more. I turned on the tap and held the glass under the water.

Agony gripped over my chest; the pills must be kicking in at a rapid rate. I haven’t had this since I first started taking the pills.

Still holding my arm over my ribcage, providing pressure to try and dull the pain, I the last 6 pills.

Can’t sleep now; I need to get some things first.

I gathered up my guitar, some picks, my capo, my tuner and some spare strings.

Hope this works, or I’m going to die. I was nearly laughing as I thought that; the willingness to die for a chance to be happy.

I fell onto the middle of the floor in my room, the glass shattered in my hands as they clamped tight from the pain in my chest.

‘The corners of your mouth turned up, is always Pinkie’s dream’

And then the music faded.

And then my vision.