We Broke the Universe

“Is he gonna make it Doc?”

“He’s stable now. He should be fine, with some rest he should wake up soon.”

“Would a cupcake wake him up faster?”

“Shut up Pinkie.”

“Hey! Don’t you talk to her like that!”

“I’ll talk however I damn well please!”

Zach woke up to a sharp ringing in his ears and a migraine thundering against his skull. This would be a normal wake up for him, except for the needle he felt jutting out of his foreleg. His eyes felt like bonfires, but he managed to slowly open them to reveal a bright haze. Once the haze had dissipated and his eyes adjusted to the bright sunlight coming in through the window, he looked around to find out where he was.

It was a stereotypical hospital room, complete with an old television playing some pony version of a soap opera. Zach dismissed it immediately; he never liked soap operas. Other than the tv, the room was relatively empty save a few chairs, some medical equipment and another bed across from Zach’s. In it lay what appeared to be a sleeping pegasus. As Zach woke up fully and began to remember the events of the night prior, he recognized the pegasus’s black coat as the coat of an asshole. Continuing his assessment of the room he noticed another, larger pony fast asleep on one of the chairs by the door. He was snoring loudly, obnoxiously. Like a fat pony would snore. Because the pony is Adam. And Adam is fat.

The door opened gently as a nurse pony walked in, hesitating with surprise when she noticed Zach sitting upright in his bed. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were awake.” She said in a soft, gentle voice. She carried two trays of food in her magic, setting one down next to each bed.

“It’s fine, I just woke up anyway.” Zach replied kindly. “Excuse me, but where am I exactly?”

“I thought you might be a bit confused,” The nurse answered as she checked to see if Will showed any signs of consciousness. “Your friend brought you in with a pretty bad head injury.”

“Who?” Zach asked. The nurse pointed to the stallion asleep on the chair.

“That big guy. Brought you and the pegasus- I assume another friend?”

“That’s a stretch…” Zach sighed.

“Anyway, he came in yesterday carrying you both on his back, sweating and panting like crazy. We wheeled the pegasus-“

“His name is Will,” Zach interrupted. “And the other’s name is Adam.”

“That’s useful,” The nurse said as she wrote the name down on a clipboard at the end of Will’s bed. “We tried to wheel Will off to surgery for his side wound, but Adam wouldn’t let him go.”

“Really?” Zach asked, looking at his quietly sleeping blue friend.

“Yea,” The nurse continued, “We had to patch up the wound in the room because he wouldn’t leave. I tried to get him into a room, he has a lot of injuries himself, but he wouldn’t leave you two.”

“I never expected that of him,” Zach muttered, to which the nurse shrugged.

“Can’t judge a book by its cover, I always say,” She said as she trotted towards the door. “Do you need anything? Another blanket?”

“No, thanks.” Zach said as she left the room. As the door clicked shut, Zach turned his attention to Adam. “Ok Adam, she’s gone.”

“Thank god!” Adam sighed as he jumped up from his chair. He trotted over to Zach’s bed and leaned onto the end of it. “I thought she’d never leave. How’d you know I was faking?”

“I didn’t hear the sound of a diesel engine coming from your mouth anymore.”

“Oh, right.”

“What happened to me?” Zach asked. “Why am I in the hospital?”

“Oh, yea.” Adam said as he helped himself to Will’s tray of food. “So we were on our way to save the world with all of those other pony things, right? Then we come across this old castle thing, broken all to hell, and the purple one-“

“Twilight Sparkle.”

“Twifart Spitfall starts screaming about the “Elements of Harmony” or whatever. Then there’s some vortex thingy and she disappears into it with a bunch of rock things, and there’s a light at another old castle up on a hill, so we ran up there to see what was going on.” Adam finished as he ripped into the roll on Will’s tray.

“You didn’t tell me why I’m in the hospital.” Zach moaned.

“Oh yea. While we were running up the stairs to the old castle thing, you kinda tripped and fell all the way down. Hit every single stair.”

“Figures,” Zach muttered.

“Yea, you missed out. Big boss fight and everything. Giant magic horses and big rainbow things. It was gay as fuck, you and Will would have loved it.”

“How is he?” Zach asked. Adam glanced at a beeping machine and shrugged.

“He’ll pull through. He’s been through worse.”

“I know. But I’m a bit worried this time.”

“Why? It’s not like anything happened that hasn’t happened before.”

“He’s never been slashed by a chimera’s tail before,” Zach pointed out. “And he has only been a pony for a couple of days.”

“First time for everything,” Adam shrugged. “And for the record, he has been slashed by a chimera before.”

“Ok, he hasn’t been slashed by a manticore’s tail before.”

“Much better.”

------------------------------------------------Manehattan---------------------------------------------

“Where the fuck am I?” Icy asked himself. Around him was a small cell of iron bars, rusted and old like what one might find in a small town jail. The cell was empty, save for the bed he lied on. The lights were dim and dirty, and any light from windows was completely void.

“You’re in jail, son.” A gruff old voice called from across the room. Icey squinted to see the owner of the voice, but it appeared to be shrouded in shadow.

“In jail for what?” Icy asked. He heard a sigh and the shuffling of papers around. The voice cleared its throat after a couple of seconds.

“Let’s see here; Vandalism, Public Indecency, Profanity, Unauthorized Crater Creating, and Unregistered Falling from the Sky.”

“What?” Icy asked. He heard a moan from the voice.

“Vandalism, Public Ind-“

“Just the last part.”

“Unregistered Falling from the Sky.” The voice read in an annoyed tone.

“I fell from the sky?” Icy asked. He must have heard him wrong. Twice.

“Apparently you did. I wonder how though, seeing as you aren’t a pegasus.”

“I’m not a what now?” Icey asked. He must have lost his hearing or something. Surely he did.

“Are you deaf, boy?” The voice asked. Icy could hear a chair scratch across the floor and… hooves? “I said you aren’t a pegasus.” The voice said as he stepped into the light where Icy could see him. Icy blinked once, then again. Standing before him was a brown, cartoon looking horse in a policeman’s uniform.

“What. The. Fuck.” He muttered. The guard looked at him, confused.

“What’s wrong, sonny? Ain’t you ever seen a policepony before?”

“Can’t say I have, no.” Icy said, quickly smacking himself in the face. It hurt way more than he thought it would. “Nope, this is the first.”

“Where you from, boy?” The guard asked.

“Oh, a small town. You’ve probably never heard of it.” Icy lied.

“What’s it called? I might have heard of it.” The guard said.

“I doubt it.”

“What is it? Hoofburg? Appleoosa? Ponyville?”

“Yea, sure.” Icy said.

“Which one? Ponyville?” The guard asked.

“Yea, sure.” Icy repeated. The guard shook his head as the horn on his head started to glow. A clipboard floated over in front of his face and he began to write something down on it. Icy blinked again as he watched the clipboard simply float in mid air.

“You got folks in Ponyville?” The guard asked.

“Yea, sure.” Icy said again. The guard glanced at him, then went back to writing.

“Ok, kid. I thought you looked like you were coming up from that way.”

“Uh huh.” Icy said, still examining the floating clipboard. “How are you doing that?” He asked. The guard looked at him with a look of bewilderment.

“Were you born yesterday?” He asked, to which Icy shook his head. “It’s magic. Even little unicorns can do this.”

“Well, sorry.” Icy said as the guard got back to writing. “I don’t know what ‘unicorns’ are capable of.”

“You should,” The guard said over his clipboard, “Seeing as you are one yourself.”

“Beg pardon?” Icy asked. Now he definitely heard him wrong.

“You must have hit the ground harder than I thought.” The guard muttered. He ripped the page he had been writing on and held it on Icy’s side of the bars, along with a pen. “Ok, kid. For some bloody reason Celestia herself pardoned you, so you’re free to go. All you gotta do is sign this here release form.”

“Alright.” Icy said as he reached for the pen. However, instead of grabbing the pen as he had intended, he knocked it out of the air with his stub of an arm. He quickly examined it to find it was not a stub, but a hoof. He blinked, then again. Then again.

“You alright there, son?” The guard asked as Icy stared at his light blue hoof.

“Yea,” Icy muttered. “I’m just trying to remember if I’m high on shrooms right now or not.”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that.” The guard said, waving the paper in Icy’s face. “Just sign the damn form, kid.”

“I don’t know how to.” Icy said, still examining his hoof.

“Just hold the pen in your mouth and write like a normal pony.” The guard sighed.

“Uh… Ok…” Icy muttered as he grabbed the pen in between his teeth. He pulled it across the paper as best he could and tried to sign his name. “How’s that?” The guard pulled it back through the bars to examine it.

“Good enough,” The guard sighed. “Irog?”

“Sure.”

“Your mother must not like you.” The guard said as he floated over a ring full of keys.

“She has never heard the end of it.” Icy lied. The guard unlocked his cell and swung the door open for him. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” The guard said as he floated over another couple pieces of paper. “There’s your pardon slip and a voucher for a train to Ponyville. I suggest you go back an stay with your folks. Train station’s down the street two blocks, then left for two blocks, then right for three.”

“Thanks,” Icy said as he walked towards what he assumed was the door outside. “I think I might stick around here for a bit though.” He waved goodbye to the policepony and pushed through the door and into the street. Across the street in an alley, two very sketchy ponies exchanged money and substances. Next to the door, a prostitute pony pleasured a very important looking businesspony, and farther down the street a group of obviously drunk hooligans sprayed graffiti on one of the many brick walls lining the street. Icy took one look around, and smiled. “Nope, fuck this place.” He said cheerfully as he turned and began to follow the directions to the train station.

-----------------------------------------------Ponyville-------------------------------------------------

Now that the crisis of eternal darkness had been averted, Twilight focused her attention to finally looking into the strange ponies that had seemingly fallen from the sky, and not in the way that Rainbow does whenever she fails one of her tricks. She sat down at her desk in the library with several books on meteorites, alien sightings, parallel dimensions, anything that could provide insight as to how ponies materialized out of thin air.

After a couple of hours and a few books, Zach entered Twilight’s study with a pastry. Nothing else, just a pastry. Don’t judge him, he’s hungry. He was in the hospital for two days until an hour ago. And hospital food sucks.

“What are you doing?” Zach asked as he enjoyed his delicious pastry. It melted on his tongue, as most Sugarcube Corner products do. Pinkie Pie is such a good baker, isn’t she?”

“Trying to figure out where you came from.” Twilight answered from inside the pages of a book titled ‘Parallel Universe 57: The Spaghetti God’. “You don’t worship a giant blob of floating noodles, do you?”

“Can’t say that I do.”

“Damn.” Twilight cursed, throwing the book into a discarded book pile, full of other discarded books of a discarded nature. “I was getting somewhere with that.”

“Don’t you think you should take a break?” Zach asked. He had finished his pastry, which he decided was incredibly scrumptious. He would have to go get another one. But that was his first and only free one, so he’d need bits. Damn, where would he get bits? “You’ve been at it for quite some time.”

“You’re right.” Twilight sighed, closing the book she had started after discarding her last one. “It’s time to experiment on you guys.”

“Excuse me?”

“Well, seeing as though I am gaining no insight from books, I’ll have to conduct my own experiments. On you guys.” Twilight explained. Zach wished he had another pastry right about now. “Where are the other two?”

“Will’s still unconscious, and Adam’s with him.” Zach said. Twilight looked at him, confused.

“Has Adam left the hospital since he brought you two there?” Twilight asked. Zach shook his head. “Even after you checked out?”

“Nope.”

“I thought he hated Will?” Twilight asked.

“Those two are strange. They hate each other, sure.” Zach explained, “They are polar opposites in almost every way. Well, other than sadism.”

“Sadism?” Twilight asked.

“They like to hurt things.” Zach explained.

“Oh. I didn’t know there was a word for such a horrible thing.”

“Anyway, even though they want to murder each other constantly, and they both get hurt pretty badly when they are around each other,” Zach shrugged, “They’re very good friends. One won’t let the other die on his watch.”

“Huh,” Twilight muttered, putting a hoof to her chin in thought. “This whole ‘friend’ thing is still new to me. Is that a normal friendship?”

“No.” Zach stated. “Not in the slightest. They are both crazy.”

“Oh, good.” Twilight sighed. “I was afraid making friends was going to be painful.”

“Don’t count on that just yet.” Zach muttered. Suddenly, the door to Twilight’s room swung open, revealing a rather pissed off looking Applejack. She could definitely use a pastry.

“Applejack?” Twilight asked. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t stand that darn stallion Twalight,” Applejack stated as she stormed into the room. “He won’t let any of us in ta see how that poor pegasus is doin’.”

“Why won’t he?” Twilight asked.

“Says we ain’t ‘trustworthy’”.

“Don’t take it personally,” Zach said. “Adam is a very paranoid per-, pony. He only met you the other day. I’m surprised he even talked to you to begin with.”

“Don’t give him an excuse to be rude to everypony.” Applejack pointed out.

“No, but you have to understand that Will is in one of his more severe comas.” Zach explained.

“He’s had multiple comas?” Twilight asked.

“Long stories. Anyway, since Will has been out for a few days now, Adam is starting to get legitimately worried for him. Because of this, he doesn’t want anyone to have a chance of hurting him further.” Zach explained. “So he isn’t going to let anypony near Will without his say so. Funny thing is, he’s never gone this far in protecting him before.”

“Ya know, that’s actually a really good thing for a friend to do,” Applejack pointed out.

“Now you have to understand that Adam is only doing this so that he can hurt Will more in the future,” Zach explained, to which he got two shocked expressions. “That’s how the system works.”

“How does that work?” Twilight asked.

“They’re both nuts.”

“Are ya sure he doesn’t just care a lot about him?” Applejack asked.

“You know, I’ve wondered that myself,” Zach answered, “They could hate each other so much that they care deeply about one another. Adam could be extra protective right now because they are both in a strange environment.”

“I think this calls for a friendship study!” Twilight said excitedly, grabbing several scrolls and quills and stuffing them into saddlebags. “To the hospital!”

“Oh dear god.” Zach moaned.